I didn’t really keep up with the election results last night, because as far as I know Anderson Cooper didn’t read the results while sprawled out naked on a newsdesk. I watched gay porn instead (so I guess it was more like “Erection Night” for me, sorry). But I did check in every now and again to see if North Carolina’s 2nd district would be come Claymate central. It’s not going to. Clay “Always A Bridesmaid” Aiken was once again first runner-up. The good news for Clay is that at least he didn’t have to hear the news from Ryan Seacrest’s smug frog face.
The day started out pretty shitty for Howdy Doody’s preppy cousin when his campaign bus broke down after he voted for himself. It was a sign! As the results started coming in, Clay Aiken realized that he was going to be the Clay Aiken to his opponent Congresswoman Renee Ellmers’ Ruben Studdard. Renee Ellmers got almost 59% of the votes and is now representing North Carolina’s 2nd district in the House of Representatives.
HuffPo says that North Carolina’s 2nd district is mostly Republican and Clay ran as a Democrat, so he was the underdog in that battle and everyone expected Renee Ellmers to take the crown. A black cloud covered Clay’s campaign a few months ago when his opponent for the Democrat spot died. This was Clay’s first time running for political office.
Clay losing makes me ask myself, do the Claymates even exist anymore? Are they as rare as a Dlisted post without at least one fuck up in it? Are there no longer any middle-aged, Walmart-shopping, Dodge Grand Caravan-driving crazy ladies who stitch a clean and fresh picture of Clay’s face onto the crotch of their cotton panties every morning? I have a feeling that the Claymates still exist and those shifty bitches sabotaged Clay and voted against him. Because if Clay won, he’d be too busy doing whatever politicians do (get drunk at lunch and troll for ass on their smarts phones – heh, that’s my job description too) and he wouldn’t have time to give them a hot flash sequel by performing in a county fair concert or a regional production of an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. If Clay became a full-time politician, he wouldn’t be able to summon the curdled panty pudding out of them by giving them pucker-inducing images like this:
I see you, Claymates. How can you call yourself Claymates and Americans?! Those dumb Claymates. If Clay won, he was going to wear that to his swearing in ceremony.
Shaquille O’Neal decided to endorse New Jersey Republican Governor Chris Christie (aka The Fleece from the East) in a video to promote Christie’s campaign for the upcoming election on November 5th. Please note: that was the newsiest sentence I’ve ever written in my life, and I now need to go have a drink and a lie-down. Shaq, who was born in New Jersey but now lives in Florida, decided to publicly endorse Governor Christie after the two worked on New Jersey’s ongoing gun buyback programs, and have been BFFs ever since. Cut to Chris Christie and Shaq playing Girl Talk in the den while Shaq’s mom makes them cookies and root bear floats (“Mrs. O’Neal, can I have 8 more root beer floats?” – Chris Christie).
A 10-foot tall giant basketball celebrity filming a video endorsing a politician is all well and good, until we stop for a second and remember that Shaq CANNOT FUCKING ACT. Chris Christie probably though it would be great to have Shaq in a campaign spot, agreed to it with Shaq’s agent, then happened to catch an Icy Hot commercial on TV and remembered that it always sounds like Shaq’s been sedated by a heavy tranq dart. But it was too late! They already put Shaq in that blue sweater and started filming!
My favourite part of the video is when Shaq Laurence Olivier delivers the line “He’s a good man. Excuse me, he’s a great man”. Good lord. I’ve seen better card-reading from a pilled-to-the-gills Lindsay Lohan on Saturday Night Live. Also, “He’s working with me to bring jobs back to our cities”? In what way, Shaq? Are you two boosting the economy by opening a chain of New Jersey dojos and hiring Shaq-Fu experts? When Chris Christie gets re-elected (which, if my very piss-poor research skills can tell, it looks like he will) I would love to see Shaq show up at the New Jersey Governor’s office at 9am with a briefcase and a coffee mug, cornering Chris Christie at his car and slow-breathing “Okay boss, I’m ready for my first day of work.” Actually, that’s an NBC sitcom waiting to happen. Get on it, television!
(Video via Daily Mail)
Since President Obama has tapped John Kerry to be his Secretary Of State, there will be a vacant seat where a senator from Massachusetts used to sit. It was rumored that Ben Affleck was thinking of running for the spot, but he says there’s no truth to that shit.
According to the Huffington Post:
“I love Massachusetts and our political process, but I am not running for office,” he said. He vowed to continue his work with the Eastern Congo Initiative and with fighting hunger in the United States.
Allow me to translate. Ben knows that the people of Massachusetts remember Bennifer, and he had no chance of winning with that kind of poor ass decision making. WE’LL NEVER FORGET, BEN. Plus, Jennifer Garner told him no, spanked his ass, and sent him to his room.
So I’m over at Towleroad and I come across this bright shining headline that made the pores on my thighs let out a simultaneous YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEESSSS! Glenn Beck is finally answering all of ours calls by putting out a clothing line for teabaggers. Now, I didn’t read the statement since usually everything that comes out of Glenn Beck’s mouth sounds like a vagina bawling into a rubber Barbie face to me and I was really too busy screaming at the upcoming winter winds that they aren’t going to give me frozen thighs this year!
Think about it. Don’t you just hate it when you’re out in “the field,” dunking your bags in a trick’s mouth and you suddenly see a flashing flashlight coming from yonder. You gotta undunk and then run your almost bare ass out onto the street while pulling your jeans up over your cold thighs. It’s the worst and will ruin your night. Don’t even ask me, “But Michael, why don’t you just push your goods out through the zipper hole?” Are you serious? And don’t even ask me to wear button fly. But I don’t need to now that Glenn Beck’s teabagger clothing line is almost here!
It’s probably going to look something like this:
But you know, the trapdoor will be in the front instead. It will also be fastened with Velcro and there will be two tiny trapdoors since sometimes you just want to dunk one nut instead of the whole pot. Even if you don’t play outdoors, Glenn Beck’s teabagger pants will come in handy when you’ve got a hardcore itch on your crotch ball that can’t be killed with an over-the-pants scratch.
I don’t know if America will thank Glenn Beck, but I know plenty of nutsacks and thighs that will.
President Obama held a press conference this morning where he called the whole birth certificate thing a “sideshow circus” and then he did what Diane Sawyer should’ve done to Whitney Houston those many years ago: HE SHOWED THE RECEIPTS! Or in this case, he showed the long form of his birth certificate.
Once the first lady of my dreams Melania Trump awakens from her beauty coma and tosses the solid gold sheets off of her gorgeous body, I’m sure she’ll have something to say about this! But in the meantime, we’ll have to settle for what Trump, whose hair was born on a lion’s ass in Kenya, had to say about this:
“Today I’m very proud of myself, because I’ve accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish. I want to look at it, but I hope it’s true. … But he should have done it a long time ago.”
Strangely enough, Melania Trump said those exact words after she caught a glimpse of Trump’s natural hairline during a windstorm.
And now that this is done (I think), can the birthers please use their powers for a greater cause? I’m talking about getting Prince Hot Ginge to release his birth certificate. And by “birth certificate” I mean “penis.”
On The View this morning, one of the crumbs the hens viciously pecked at was the hair clip that Hillary Clinton wore to a meeting at the United Nations this past Sunday. Hillary was there to meet about what’s going on in Pakistan and Haiti, but instead all eyes were focused on the hair clip she fished out of a swap meet discount bin circa 1988. Some moaned that it’s very unprofessional-like for an important politician to wear her hair like my mom about to clean her oven. And others said that she’s the Secretary of State so she can do whatever the hell she wants with her hair.
Personally, the hair clip is my favorite part of Hillary’s whole look. My soul permanently lives in the mid-80s to early 90s, so I love hair clips. The only thing that would’ve made Hillary’s look better is if she was wearing a banana clip, a velvet choker and black suede boots held up with rubber bands. Oh, and a scrunchie around her wrist. Basically, in a perfect world all our politicians would dress like extras from Beverly Hills 90210.