Category: Politics Are Boring
Clay Aiken Is Running For Congress In North Carolina Again
Waaay back in 2014, American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken ran for Congress in his native North Carolina. Despite votes from 85,479 horned up Claymates, Republican incumbent Renee Ellmers whooped Clay’s ass with 58.8% of the vote and continued to represent North Carolina’s 2nd district in the House of Representatives. Seven years later, and Clay is once again trying his (“disgusting,” according to Kelly Ripa) hand at politics!
Fartgate: Did Eric Swalwell Fart On TV Or Not!?
TMZ says that there’s a new political scandal rocking America. #Fartgate is here and is making us ask the question: Did one-time Presidential hopeful Eric Swalwell just fart on national television? And let’s be real, does it drive me absolutely insane because adding the suffix “-gate” to something does not make it a political drama as “Watergate” was named after the Watergate Hotel and not some kind of water-related scandal? Yes. Do I still enjoy people having a laugh at some politician’s fart-related expense? Absolutely.
Pamela Anderson Tells TMZ She’s Afraid Julian Assange Could Be Assassinated
Since WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was arrested last month, Pamela Anderson has been beside herself. …I’m assuming, because after the arrest she flipped her lid on social media and had been an outspoken fan of his for quite some time before that. Well now she’s back again to defend him. Pamela visited Julian in prison and she has something to say about him being sent to the US.
Democrats Are Calling For A Boycott Of In-N-Out Because They Recently Donated To The GOP
First they came for my Chick-Fil-A and I did not speak out (because it’s not available in my region), then they came for my Papa John’s and I did not speak out (because, gross), then they came for my In-N-Out and I was like, whoa, let’s not lose our heads here! LA Magazine reports that the Irvine, CA based burger chain is facing a boycott because it was revealed that they recently made a sizable donation to the Republican Party. Anybody who’s surprised in the least by this revelation probably doesn’t even know about the secret menu and that you can ask them to fry them floppy little french fries extra hard.
Clay Aiken Comes In Second Place Again
I didn’t really keep up with the election results last night, because as far as I know Anderson Cooper didn’t read the results while sprawled out naked on a newsdesk. I watched gay porn instead (so I guess it was more like “Erection Night” for me, sorry). But I did check in every now and again to see if North Carolina’s 2nd district would be come Claymate central. It’s not going to. Clay “Always A Bridesmaid” Aiken was once again first runner-up. The good news for Clay is that at least he didn’t have to hear the news from Ryan Seacrest’s smug frog face.
The day started out pretty shitty for Howdy Doody’s preppy cousin when his campaign bus broke down after he voted for himself. It was a sign! As the results started coming in, Clay Aiken realized that he was going to be the Clay Aiken to his opponent Congresswoman Renee Ellmers’ Ruben Studdard. Renee Ellmers got almost 59% of the votes and is now representing North Carolina’s 2nd district in the House of Representatives.
HuffPo says that North Carolina’s 2nd district is mostly Republican and Clay ran as a Democrat, so he was the underdog in that battle and everyone expected Renee Ellmers to take the crown. A black cloud covered Clay’s campaign a few months ago when his opponent for the Democrat spot died. This was Clay’s first time running for political office.
Clay losing makes me ask myself, do the Claymates even exist anymore? Are they as rare as a Dlisted post without at least one fuck up in it? Are there no longer any middle-aged, Walmart-shopping, Dodge Grand Caravan-driving crazy ladies who stitch a clean and fresh picture of Clay’s face onto the crotch of their cotton panties every morning? I have a feeling that the Claymates still exist and those shifty bitches sabotaged Clay and voted against him. Because if Clay won, he’d be too busy doing whatever politicians do (get drunk at lunch and troll for ass on their smarts phones – heh, that’s my job description too) and he wouldn’t have time to give them a hot flash sequel by performing in a county fair concert or a regional production of an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. If Clay became a full-time politician, he wouldn’t be able to summon the curdled panty pudding out of them by giving them pucker-inducing images like this:
I see you, Claymates. How can you call yourself Claymates and Americans?! Those dumb Claymates. If Clay won, he was going to wear that to his swearing in ceremony.
I See Shaq’s Acting Skills Haven’t Developed Much Since ‘Kazaam’
Shaquille O’Neal decided to endorse New Jersey Republican Governor Chris Christie (aka The Fleece from the East) in a video to promote Christie’s campaign for the upcoming election on November 5th. Please note: that was the newsiest sentence I’ve ever written in my life, and I now need to go have a drink and a lie-down. Shaq, who was born in New Jersey but now lives in Florida, decided to publicly endorse Governor Christie after the two worked on New Jersey’s ongoing gun buyback programs, and have been BFFs ever since. Cut to Chris Christie and Shaq playing Girl Talk in the den while Shaq’s mom makes them cookies and root bear floats (“Mrs. O’Neal, can I have 8 more root beer floats?” – Chris Christie).
A 10-foot tall giant basketball celebrity filming a video endorsing a politician is all well and good, until we stop for a second and remember that Shaq CANNOT FUCKING ACT. Chris Christie probably though it would be great to have Shaq in a campaign spot, agreed to it with Shaq’s agent, then happened to catch an Icy Hot commercial on TV and remembered that it always sounds like Shaq’s been sedated by a heavy tranq dart. But it was too late! They already put Shaq in that blue sweater and started filming!
My favourite part of the video is when Shaq Laurence Olivier delivers the line “He’s a good man. Excuse me, he’s a great man”. Good lord. I’ve seen better card-reading from a pilled-to-the-gills Lindsay Lohan on Saturday Night Live. Also, “He’s working with me to bring jobs back to our cities”? In what way, Shaq? Are you two boosting the economy by opening a chain of New Jersey dojos and hiring Shaq-Fu experts? When Chris Christie gets re-elected (which, if my very piss-poor research skills can tell, it looks like he will) I would love to see Shaq show up at the New Jersey Governor’s office at 9am with a briefcase and a coffee mug, cornering Chris Christie at his car and slow-breathing “Okay boss, I’m ready for my first day of work.” Actually, that’s an NBC sitcom waiting to happen. Get on it, television!
(Video via Daily Mail)