Category: Please Report To The Devil’s Office

So About That “What The…?” Ending Of The Jinx

March 16, 2015 / Posted by:

Just hours after Robert Durst was arrested in New Orleans for the 15-year-old murder of his friend Susan Berman, the final episode of HBO’s The Jinx aired and in it, the Maenad shark showed criminals what not to do if they’ve already gotten away with a whole bunch of evil shit and want to continue to get away with it. Don’t be an attention whore and open your evil self up to a documentary.

In the finale, the documentary’s director and producer Andrew Jarecki interviewed Robert Durst and confronted him about a new piece of evidence against his ass in the case of Susan Berman’s murder. After Susan Berman was murdered in her home execution-style, someone anonymously sent the police a note with her address and the word “cadaver” on it. The fucker who sent the letter spelled “Beverly” as “Beverley.” While researching Robert Durst and Susan Berman’s murder, the filmmakers of The Jinx found a letter he mailed to her and on the envelope, “Beverly” was spelled “Beverley.” The filmmakers got a forensic document analyzer to look at both notes. The expert declared that yup, the handwriting came from the same trick. When Andrew showed the evidence to Robert Durst, he admitted that the handwriting looked the same and he couldn’t point out which was written by him. It’s impossible to know what Robert Durst is thinking since his demon shark eyes are emotionless and dead, but if you could, you’d clearly see him thinking to himself, “OH SHIT!”

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SPOILER ALERT: Robert Durst Of “The Jinx” Arrested For Murder

March 15, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s times like these when I was that Big Lots sold holy water wipes, because everyone’s screen needs to be cleansed after being touched by that dark-sided picture of that unholy shark demon!

Robert Durst, the creepy ass real estate heir and subject of HBO’s highly addictive and riveting-as-fuck documentary series The Jinx (which sadly isn’t about the life and times of Jinkx Monsoon), was put into handcuffs at his hotel in New Orleans late last night after Los Angeles County issued a warrant for his arrest. Robert Durst checked into the hotel under a false name using a fake ID. He paid with cash. He is being held without bail and will be shipped off to L.A. to face first-degree murder charges. Robert Durst’s attorney Chip Lewis tells The Washington Post that he has been charged with murder and he won’t fight extradition to California. His creepy face will show itself at an extradition hearing in New Orleans tomorrow morning.

The L.A. Times reports that sources tell them that the worst Durst (which is saying a lot, because we’re living in a world where Fred Durst exists) was arrested in connection with the murder of his friend Susan Berman. The murder of Susan Berman, who was the daughter of an old-timey mobster, was covered in The Jinx. On Christmas Eve 2000, police found Susan’s body in her house in L.A. She had been shot in the head once. Many believe that Robert Durst killed Susan Berman because she knew a lot of shit about his wife’s disappearance. He has always denied killing Susan.

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Pimp Mama Kris Ruined Christmas

December 23, 2014 / Posted by:

If you haven’t been able to keep any food down ever since you suffered through that dark-sided video of Pimp Mama Kris opening her legs and torturing a candy cane, then prepare for your stomach to put an “Out Of Business” sign over itself after you watch the newest video of her assault on Christmas. If I have to suffer, we all have to suffer!

Because PMK’s boss Lucifer wants to destroy the birthday of his rival’s son for everyone, she once again joined unholy forces with Love Magazine to do an advent calendar video and this time she did it with her soon-to-be top girl Kendall Jenner. The video is like a cross between a production of Chicago at The Ninth Circle Playhouse and a scene from Mean Girls if Mean Girls was a horror movie directed by David Cronenberg. If Regina George’s mom had a Rosemary’s Baby, it would be Pimp Mama Kris!

The opening scene of this mess of a video has to be the most terrifying thing ever captured on video. At first, I breathed a sigh of relief, because I thought that maybe it was Bruce Jenner giving us Santa Baby sultriness. But then the camera panned all the way up to reveal the pimp Grinch who is ruining Christmas with her desperate cool mom moves while her money maker danced like an animatronic stripper on Vicodin and wine.

pmkscarykendullchristmasscary

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Kristmas is truly the scariest HOliday of them all.

And yes, I’ll save you a spot at holy water bin, because you will need to thoroughly cleanse your eyeballs after this.

Shia LaBeouf Claims A Woman Raped Him During His Performance Art Piece

November 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, here’s ten tons of fucked up that just took my Thanksgiving hangover headache to new levels.

Earlier this year, Shia LaBeouf pulled some Marina Abramovic shit in L.A. when he did a performance art pice called #IAMSORRY after he got caught plagiarizing a Daniel Clowes graphic novel for a short movie called Howard Cantour.com. During #IAMSORRY, Shia sat in a room by himself with a paper bag over his head and props from his career (a whip, a Transformer, a bowl full of hate tweets, etc…) sat on a table in front of him. One by one, people came into the room and either sat across from him without saying a word or talked to him or used the props in whatever way they wanted. I heard stories about how some people cursed his ass out and/or threw shit at him, but the story he told Dazed is every layer of THE FUCK?

For two weeks, Shia and Dazed editor Aimee Cliff talked back and forth online about #IAMSORRY. Aimee asked Shia if there was one experience that was either moving or soul-killing and Shia made my brain melt by saying that one crazy bitch whipped and raped him as her boyfriend and his girlfriend waited in the line outside.

One woman who came with her boyfriend, who was outside the door when this happened, whipped my legs for ten minutes and then stripped my clothing and proceeded to rape me… There were hundreds of people in line when she walked out with disheveled hair and smudged lipstick. It was no good, not just for me but her man as well. On top of that my girl was in line to see me, because it was Valentine’s Day and I was living in the gallery for the duration of the event – we were separated for five days, no communication. So it really hurt her as well, as I guess the news of it travelled through the line. When she came in she asked for an explanation, and I couldn’t speak, so we both sat with this unexplained trauma silently. It was painful.

My brain just puked up a dozen question marks. So many questions. I know Shia basically had zero rules for his performance art piece and people were allowed to do whatever they wanted to him, but you’d think that he wouldn’t have to put up a sign that read: You Can Do Anything You Want Except For Murdering, Shooting, Stabbing, Raping And Choking Shia.

Shia and Aimee Cliff also did a sit down “interview” through webcams strapped to their heads and this is how it went. (Note: If you watch 4 minutes of it, you’ve watched all of it since they don’t say a word.)

That’s pretty much what I did for an hour after reading Shia’s fucked up story.

Mama June Really Does Have A Type

November 13, 2014 / Posted by:

When we last left the sad puddle of diarrhea and rotten sketti sauce that is the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo saga, Anna “Chickadee” Cardwell had told Entertainment Tonight that she feels betrayed by Not The Mama June and it hurts seeing her pathetic excuse for a mother smiling while hanging around Mark McDaniel, the corroded ass wart who molested her when she was a little girl. Since then Anna told Dr. Drew on his HLN show that June the Hutt’s second youngest daughter Pumpkin thinks Mark McDaniel is her father. Anna said that June the Hutt has made Pumpkin believe that Mark McDaniel is her dad and that is why Pumpkin is pissed off at her right now.

Well, the creature whom Kelly LeBrock turned into a mountain of wet shit many years ago gave an interview to Entertainment Tonight and said that the convicted sex offender who molested Anna isn’t Pumpkin’s father, but a different convicted sex offender is. June the Hutt really does love those pedos. The National Sex Offender Registry is her Tinder.

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Lorenzo Lamas Becomes My #1 Enemy After Calling The Empress Of Lucite A Bad Mom

November 5, 2014 / Posted by:

But if this leads to Shauna Sand starring in an NBC show titled Bad Mom, Lorenzo Lamas will be my #1 hero and the maker of my dreams.

In the meantime, the ticketing machine in the Ninth Circle of Hell is printing out a special VIP ticket with Lorenzo Lamas’ name on it, because TMZ says that he’s still trying to get custody of his three daughters with the Empress of Lucite and has accused her of being a shitty role model and mother. Will somebody please rip off Lorenzo Lamas’ too-tight t-shirt, because it’s obviously cutting off the circulation to his brain and is causing him not to think right. How can he think that an earth goddess who educates all of the children in the important subject of elegance is a bad mom?! Lorenzo Lamas is a bad human for slandering the Empress of Lucite like that.

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A Gross, Shitty Situation Just Got Grosser And Shittier (UPDATE)

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

The whole “Mama June dating a convicted child molester” situation was already ten layers of barf wrapped in twenty layers of shit and dipped in pure awful, but it gets worse and I didn’t think that was possible. TMZ says that Mama June’s eldest daughter, 20-year-old Anna “Chickadee” Cardwell, wants people to know that she was the one who was molested by her mom’s alleged boyfriend Mark McDaniel. This is your cue to heave your way over to a video of a cat sleeping on a red bell pepper.

TLC dumped Here Comes Honey Boo Boo in the trash bin today after they discovered information that proves that Mama June really is dating the piece of shit who spent 10 years in prison for molesting an 8-year-old girl. He got out of prison in March and Mama June has been seeing him ever since, allegedly. Mama June screamed “LIES!” and claimed she hasn’t seen him in 10 years, but TLC didn’t believe her after they found out she went shopping for a car for her child touching boyfriend.

TMZ says that at first, Anna believed her mom and thought it was just a made-up lie. But Anna started to get more and more information that made her believe that Mama June has been filling her ears with deep fried lies and has betrayed in the worst way by dating the trash who abused her. Anna is letting it be known that she’s the victim because she wants everyone to know that Mama June is fifty tons of pure evil.

Anna wants it known she’s the victim because it makes what her mom is doing all the more egregious. We’re told Anna feels her relationship with her mom has been destroyed, and the only way June can see her granddaughter is if McDaniel is nowhere to be seen.

Gawker says that Anna spent most of her life living with her memaw. Anna’s memaw raised her and she moved back in with Mama June to shoot the show. Anna gave birth to a girl on the show when she was 17 and earlier this year married a guy she was dating for 2 years.

I knew Mama June was trash, but I thought she was the good kind of trash. I will never ever trust scripted reality TV again!

Jesus, take the wheel, pick up Uncle Poodle, drive by June the Hutt’s lair of evil, throw Honey Boo Boo and her sisters in the car and drive far, far away. I mean, when you make Pimp Mama Kris and Kate Gosselin look like legitimate Mothers of the Year…

UPDATE: Anna tells Radar that her relationship with Mama June is pretty much dead.

“I believe she is seeing him and hanging around him. I’m hurt. I think me and Mama’s relationship may well be over.”

Radar also says Anna’s abuser didn’t go to prison for molesting her. That case was later dismissed. He went to prison for a different molestation case.

Mama June Is Really Going For That “Mother Of The Century” Award, I See

October 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Here’s runny vom vom up my froat, because TMZ says that Mama June has really taken the bad decisions cake, gobbled it whole, threw it up and then ate it again by dating a convicted child molester who just get out of prison. Yeah, Mama June put Sugar Bear on the curb for flirting with some chicks he met on a dating site and has allegedly moved on to a child touching monster. Well, if scientists were wondering if eating massive amounts of sketti sauce and cheese balls rots the part of your brain that operates your sense of reason, they got their answer.

Here I was thinking that Mama June and Sugar Bear’s break up was just a good old fashioned scripted stunt for Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but it turns out that America’s First Family of Class really has broken into a million pieces and slipped down into the gutter. A source tells TMZ that Mama June’s new piece is Mark McDaniel, a 53-year-old piece of trash who was convicted of aggravated child molestation for molesting an 8-year-old girl. He was sent to prison for 10 years. Mama June dated him when he molested the girl and the girl is one of her relatives. Yeah, so this is just a Big Gulp of GROSS.

The source says that Mark McDaniel got out of prison in March and it didn’t take long for him and Mama June to hook up again. While Honey Boo Boo was shooting, Mama June allegedly snuck out of the house to spend time with her sex offender boo. TMZ has a picture of them snuggling in a hotel bed together if you really want to spend a few minutes of your day cleaning barf off of your screen after two waves of puke shot out of your eye sockets.

TLC told TMZ that Honey Boo Boo isn’t in production right now and “we are very concerned about this new information and are reassessing the future of the series.” Translation: “After learning this information, we have renewed Here Comes Honey Boo Boo for 5 more seasons, because rating$$$$!

Mama June hasn’t farted up a statement about this yet, but a Dlisted reader sent me screen shots of her (or someone who has access to the Honey Boo Boo FB account) response (which she or someone else later deleted) in a thread on Facebook about this heave-inducing story. Mama June is allegedly screaming ‘SHOPPED and denies sleeping with the enemy:

mamajunedenies

Mama June has a history of humping on felons, so sadly this wouldn’t be that shocking if it was true. If it’s true, then Mama June doesn’t have to worry about the gnats nibbling the cheese on her Forklift Foot anymore, because even they will be so grossed out that they’d quit her for good. And TLC should probably change the name of the show to: RUN, HONEY BOO, RUUUUUN!

The Gross Side Of Irony: What Stephen Collins Said About Jessica Biel’s Topless Photo Shoot in 2000

October 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Ever since childhoods were drowned in a pool of barf from finding out that the pastor dad from 7th Heaven is a child toucher, rumors and news have been flying out of everywhere and an already disgusting story keeps getting more disgusting.

Stephen Collins’ career is pretty much lying in a shallow grave. He’s been fired from Ted 2 (and you have to a special kind of creep to be fired by Seth MacFarlane for being a creep), he’s been cut from an episode of Scandal and 7th Heaven has been taken off of the air until they’ve fully digitally replaced him with someone that doesn’t give everyone the heaves (I nominate Preacher Cat). Stephen’s divorce from actress Faye Grant (that’s Juliet from V to you and me) has also gotten extra, extra messy.

Stephen’s lawyer accused Faye of using his pedophile confession tape to extort money out of him. Stephen’s lawyer says that Faye wants most of his $14 million fortune and she threatened to give the audiotapes to the media if he didn’t pay up. Stephen’s lawyer thinks that Faye finally went through with her threats and handed the tapes to TMZ. But Faye’s lawyer slapped back. Faye’s lawyer says that she didn’t give the tapes to the media, she handed them over to the NYPD 2 years ago after Stephen refused to get help for his pedophile ways. Faye denies that she tried to extort cash out of Stephen. She never threatened to release the tapes and all she wants is half of their community property, a trust fund for their daughter and a donation to a charity that benefits abused children.

If Faye tried to extort him, she’s a terrible, terrible extorter. Because why would she give the NYPD the tapes right after she recorded them? That part doesn’t make sense. It also doesn’t make sense that he was the one who filed for divorce and she didn’t immediately scatter for the exit door after he told her he was a child toucher. None of it really makes sense and nobody wins. We all lose. Well, except for my favorite Noah’s Ark hunter Donna D’Errico who got back in the news after she wrongly reported his suicide.

And now Jessica Biel’s topless Gear cover has been dragged into this. (And is it just me or does it look like her arm is in an invisible cast?)

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The Long Island Medium Allegedly Told Stacy Peterson’s Sister To Stop Looking For Her

July 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Last month, Ron Teblo, an author and investigator who’s been trying to expose The Long Island Medium’s con artist ways for a while, gave Radar testimonies from former employees and customers of Theresa Caputo who claim that she’s got the psychic skills of a taxidermy cat in a turban and uses tricks to fool people. Theresa’s former employees claimed that before a reading, she gets her people to do research on the dead loved one and uses her stunningly exquisite Wite-Out nails to pull shit out of her ass. In a video Ron made for his site SciFake (via Radar), he claims that Cassandra Cales, the sister of Stacy Peterson, who’s been missing since 2007, wrote him on Facebook and told him about her reading with The Long Island Medium. If your psychic abilities are telling you that the reading was a mess, congratulations! You’re more gifted than The Long Island Medium!

Stacy Peterson went missing in 2007 and her bloated piss bag of a husband Drew Peterson probably had everything to do with it. Drew is serving a 38 year sentence in prison after he was found guilty of murdering his third wife Kathleen Savio. Cassandra told Ron that for months and months, The Long Island Medium’s people kept bothering her to come on her reality shit show for a reading. Cassandra finally gave in and flew to NYC. The session was taped for The Long Island Medium, but it never aired, because it was a wreck from start to finish. Cassandra says that Theresa Caputo gave her no proof that she made a connection with her sister. Not only did Theresa waste Cassandra’s time, but the Jennifer Aniston look-alike with Kate Gosselin-on-roids hair also punched her in the soul by saying that Stacy wants her to stop looking.

“She gave me nothing. She really sucked and wasn’t hitting on nothing. [Caputo] said Stacy didn’t want me searching for her, to put it to rest. It was a hard day for me. I think she was a fake, phony. And lied to me.”

So wait, if this is true, then The Long Island Medium shamelessly took advantage of a vulnerable loved one of a high-profile case to get ratings for her TV show and more attention for herself.  Hmmm… I hear a raspy hollering in my ear. It’s either from my neighbor’s fat, old ass cat coughing up another hairball or it’s Sylvia Browne cackling with glee from the beyond. Her legacy lives on!

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