Category: Please Report To The Devil’s Office

The “Angie Jolie Look-Alike” Who Forced A Cabbie To Have Sex With Her At Knifepoint Got Four Years In Jail

April 11, 2014 / Posted by:

And that’s called taking your Angelina Jolie impersonation to ILLEGAL levels of wrong.

The messy story of the Angelina Jolie look-alike (more like a melting Pete Burns wax figure look-alike) went viral two years ago, but the case recently went to trial where new fucked-up details came out. In 2012, 31-year-old Luminita Perijoc of Tulcea in Romania was arrested after a cab driver accused her of pulling a knife on him and forcing him to have sex with her twice before she stabbed him for not giving it to her a third time. The 35-year-old cab driver Nicolae Stan says that he was called to her apartment to deliver wine (Side question: Cab drivers bring you wine in Romania?!) and when he got to her apartment the crazy bitch grabbed him, pulled him inside and forced him to take his clothes off. After she forced him to have sex with her while holding a knife to his froat, she forced him to perform oral sex on her. When she wanted sex a third time, he turned her down and so she stabbed him six times. Nicolae somehow managed to run into a bathroom where he locked himself in and called the police.

When Luminita, who calls herself an Angelina Jolie look-alike, was arrested, she told the cops she was the victim. The NYDN says that the court found her guilty and she was originally sentenced to 5 years in prison, but when she claimed she was on “strong medication” at the time she attacked Nicolae, they reduced her sentence to 4 years. Nicolae told the court that he would’ve tried to overpower her, but he was afraid people would think he raped her. He tried to get out of there without hurting her. The married father of two told reporters that his life is ruined, because dumb shits are laughing at him for turning down an “Angelina Jolie look-alike“:

“They don’t understand why I refused her, but they do not know what it is like to have a mad woman yelling at you at knifepoint. They look at her, then look at me and laugh. But I think anyone would find it impossible to perform with a knife at their throat even if they were with Miss Romania.”

So she rapes him more than once, stabs him six times and he gets shit while she only gets 4 years in the clink? Is there a Romanian Nancy Grace, because if there is I need to hear her thoughts about this.

Meanwhile, a Jennifer Aniston look-alike was cited for trespassing in Latvia after she broke into a toy store to cuddle with the baby dolls.

Vogue Calls Pimp Mama Kris “Agelessly Glamorous” And “Apricot-Skinned”

March 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Vogue is really going full troll for their April Fool’s Month issue with a Hobbit and a Gay Fish on the cover. Just like Ray-J’s boomerang dick over Kim Kardashian’s ass, pictures from the spread have leaked and they’re all made of one hundred percent ridiculousness, but this one of a scared North West and a maniacal Pimp Mama Kris takes it all. A dude with a tattoo sleeve throws a “ha, this is really happening” look as a suffocating Kim tries not to rip that too-small-dress open by breathing and PMK throws a creepy clown whore smile that any child should run from. The “looking for the nearest exit” side-eye that Baby Seaweed is giving tops it all off.

North is scared for her young life, because when you press your ear up to PMK’s face, you hear the sound of Lucifer cackling as his minions chant his name. North is also scared, because the last time she saw PMK holding a baby that close, PMK swallowed the baby whole before screaming about how her dark powers have been rejuvenated. So yeah, North isn’t exactly having a good time.

And seriously, this picture says so much.

knightmaresandnorthwestvogue

Vogue didn’t stop there. The article is also full of foolery. Vogue’s Hamish Bowles did the interview and I’m guessing he strolled in, threw a blank notepad on the floor and said, “Write whatever you want, whores, I can’t with this. I’m going to Fatburger” instead. Because the article is full of delusional dingles like this:

“Anybody need anything?” asks the agelessly glamorous, apricot-skinned Kris, fluttering eyelashes as thick, long, and lustrous as a hummingbird’s wings. “Water? Vodka? Get on my train!” she laughs. “Just kidding!” Kris (who, as Kim notes, “goes by the name of Lovey, not Grandma!”) is an astute businesswoman and an executive producer of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, now in its eighth season. Her home office is stacked with Kardashian product and magazine spreads—there is even a framed copy of her estranged husband Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner’s 1979 GQ cover.

Are we sure HAMish didn’t run into Bruce Jenner instead and that’s who he’s describing in that paragraph? If by all of that Hamish means that PMK is “pathetically holding onto her youth,” has skin like Belphegor’s foreskin, eyelashes as thick and spiny as the tarantulas in the afterworld and is a shameless pimp, then he nailed it.

And in almost every picture, North West’s SOS face says it all and then some.

Pics: Vogue/Annie Leibovitz

Kris and Khloe Have SUCH A Healthy Relationship

January 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Following the news that a nine-year-old Khloe Kardashian overheard her asshole mother say she needed a nose job, InTouch is reporting that Khloe’s Aunt Karen says Kris Jenner used to force Khloe to exercise as a child.

Khloé might have been 4 or 5 years old when Kris would have me take her to classes to get exercise,” Karen tells In Touch. “I would take her a couple of times a week.

At first glance, this could be any mother signing her kid up for Recreation Department gym class just so she can have 45 minutes alone a few times a week to pop into a bar and have a glass or two of crappy chardonnay. But this is PMK- the mother straight from Satan’s taint! It’s not really a stretch to think she would kiss Khloe goodbye when she was leaving for exercise class and say, “Mommy loves you! Go get skinny!“ Hell, I wouldn’t put it past Kris to put snapping turtles on the floor under the Johnny Jump when her kids were infants to motivate them to jump higher to work off some of that disgusting baby fat.

All that’s keeping this from being a trifecta of shitty mothering is a story about Kris taking all the kids to get ice cream and making Khloe wait in the car because she “doesn’t really need the calories” but you know it’s just a matter of fucking time.

(Pic: Splash)

Another Amazing Parenting Moment From Kris Jenner

December 30, 2013 / Posted by:

Just when I thought Kris Jenner couldn’t be more of an asshole, the curtain gets pulled back a little more and all I can see are horns, cloven hooves and red eyes glowing in the dark. Khloe Kardashian did an interview with Cosmopolitan UK (via Daily Mail) and said this:

She didn’t mean harm, but when I was around nine I overheard my mom telling her friend I needed a nose job,‘ revealed the reality star. 

I was shocked; I hadn’t even thought about it,‘ she said.

Since this is PMK we’re talking about, I’m sure she hinted at future improvements the minute Khloe was delivered (by scheduled c-section, of course). She probably held all her kids up to the light, tilting them this way and that while hissing, “Yessss, we can work with thisssss“. Hell, I’d bet she did the same thing with Bruce before agreeing to go out with him.

Khloe should have known the Play-Doh sets her mother gave her for Christmas were for the sole purpose of learning to mold her own post-op look. Maybe she put two and two together whenever Kris slapped Khloe’s hand away from her face whenever Khloe wanted to play Got Your Nose. Kris couldn’t afford to have anybody else touch that mangled blob of Silly Putty. One pinch and the entire thing would collapse on itself, leaving Kris looking like Mrs. Doubtfire’s face after it was run over by a truck.

Someone Needs To Tell Kate Gosselin To Stop

November 11, 2013 / Posted by:

Kate Gosselin hasn’t been completely useless in her tenure as a ball-busting shrew who will sacrifice anything to remain in the spotlight for a few more seconds. She’s provided many a TV watcher stress release in the form of chucking anything handy- remote control, lightweight toddler, vodka bottle (empty of course, let’s not get carried away)- at their screens. Her porcupine-flattened-on-the-side-of-the-road hairstyle that debuted in 2007 gave scrapbooking housewives everywhere more pages to hustle right by when showing off photo albums to friends and neighbors who could not give less of a crap, along with the off-shoulder, puffed sleeve wedding dress and straight legged acid wash Jordache jeans with the 14″ long zipper.

Kate’s latest contribution to the You’re Still Here? files is a cookbook titled “Kate Gosselin’s Love Is in the Mix: Making Meals into Memories”. Recipes include “Stewed Jon Balls”, “Slow Cooked Children’s Spirit Smothered In Crushed Dreams” and “Sugar Cookies Everyone In Group Therapy Is Going To Love”. Fine, that’s a fat lie but I wish.

Kate is being accused of cranking out a book filled with unhealthy recipes anybody with a can opener and a third grade reading level could pull off while tripping balls, as long as they had a hot plate and Jesus on their side. The recipes are getting more shade than a midget sitting in a forest for being basic as fuck, high in sodium and filled with about as much love as a $10 hand job in a gas station parking lot. Take it away, Amazon reviewers:

“Then we have recipes for applesauce, broccoli, hamburgers and boxed macaroni and cheese with tuna and peas! As someone had commented to me earlier it is no better than a dorm room cookbook.”

“Some pictures don’t match recipe. I’m not sure why this was even published.”

“Not very appealing or healthy. I now understand why there is a disclaimer when you first open the book.”

“My daughter and daughter-in-law would shoot me if I fed their children most of these recipes.”

“This forced me to enter a star but the book does not deserve even one star. All she does is open cans and dump the contents.”
And my favorite, courtesy of my new favorite internet person, Amazon user cheryl j.:
“Kate Gosselin has no more business putting out a cookbook than she does putting out a how to keep your man happy self help book!”

The Daily Mail says the book was ranked 10,039 on Amazon’s bestsellers list on Sunday, and also mentioned a sudden jump in positive reviews in the last few days. It must have been a busy weekend at the Gosselin household with Kate standing behind the kids, smacking a ruler on her hand and screaming, “NO. NEGATIVE. REVIEWS. EVER!!!’ while they each type from a script.

Fuckery Still Abounds In Florida

November 2, 2013 / Posted by:

I may or may not have started my day off as June Cleaver. (Okay, I didn’t.) I’m pretty sure June never stole a Kit Kat from Wally and the Beav’s Halloween stash and had to dive into the half bath off the kitchen to shove it in her mouth in order to not get caught using it to stir her coffee. (That shit’s delicious- try it. It’s right up there with using a Red Vine to drink strawberry soda.)

HOWEVER, I’m a rung or two up from Boca Raton’s own Mother of the Year candidate Heather McAuliffe, who, according to the Sun-Sentinel (via Daily Mail), was arrested Thursday after writing an email to her six-year-old son’s teacher, saying she had given him 5 milligrams of her Adderall as an “experiment” and asking the teacher to report back on his behavior.  Heather said she crushed the pill up in her son’s yogurt to help him. Cue Dina Lohan reading this thinking, “So??!?? I gave my angelic, beautiful Lindsay Adderall and she turned out just fine!!”

You dumb ho! Sure, some kids have issues but take him to the damn doctor to be properly evaluated instead of giving him your ADHD meds. Christ in a sidecar, you’d think some parenting shit would be so basic that it wouldn’t require specific instructions, but whatever is in Florida’s water supply continues to overshadow common fucking sense.

Part of me kind of hopes Heather jumps her $3,000 bond, so that on an episode of Dog and Beth on the Hunt, Dog Chapman can put his aging action hero run to good use, chasing her down in the Florida humidity, his magnificent corn dog-colored manchichis glistening with sweat. Beth can handcuff Heather, put her in an SUV and lecture her while Beth’s tits take up three quarters of the backseat of a Chevy Suburban.

(Photo: The Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Department)

Paula Deen Paid One Of Her Black Employees In Beer

June 24, 2013 / Posted by:

And Paula Deen’s public transformation into Miss Millie from The Color Purple continues. Sheldon J. Ervin was an oyster cook at Bubba’s Oyster House for 2 years starting in 2008 and he filed an Equal Employment Opportunity & Diversity complaint against Paula Deen and her brother Bubba, because he claims he was forced to work private events and he wasn’t paid with cash. He was paid with beer. Paula is totally like that friend who gives you a six pack of Pabst to help them move. Only Paula will make you wear a white suit and tap dance while doing so.

Sheldon tells Radar that he and other employees regularly worked private events at Paula’s mansion in Savannah and she rarely paid them with cash. Sheldon says that the Baroness of Butter’s white master dream of seeing an event where black men serve guests while wearing white suits came true several times. Sheldon says that Paula threw a graduation party for someone once and made him and other black employees wear a white chef jacket and black pants. If they didn’t own a white chef jacket, Paula’s people gave them money to go out and buy one. Sheldon said:

“I didn’t want to wear it because it was burning hot outside, but Miss Paula insisted. Paula had us all stationed at a few shady spots in the yard. She wanted us all to stay in one spot. We weren’t allowed to move. They didn’t want us to interact or anything. They just wanted us to sit there and serve everyone and not say anything. Paula and Bubba just gave us beer and alcohol and I don’t even drink. She knew I had just gotten married. I had a baby on the way. I needed the money and I was the only one to step up and complain over it because half of the kitchen just needed their jobs. I was fired over it in the end because I’m not afraid to speak my mind.

I’m so happy that this has finally come. I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time.”

If that isn’t enough lard-based fuckery to clog up your arteries, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution says that one of her former black employees claims that she always referred to them as her “little monkey.”

Since Paula bailed on Today last week, she’s going to make it up to them this Wednesday by talking to Matt Lauer about getting dropped by The Food Network. Of course they’d let Matt Lauer’s easy ass interview her. I wish they’d just drop her in the middle of Al Roker and Tamron Hall and let them stare her down for an hour straight.

When it rains buttery racism, it pours buttery racism. I have a feeling this is only the beginning. But I am surprised that Paula Deen paid them with beer and alcohol. You’d think Paula would pay them with Kool-Aid and malt liquor. And I bet she paid her white employees with her currency of choice: butter.

Brit Brit Was A Regular Fergie Ferg, So Says Sam Lutfi

October 19, 2012 / Posted by:

“Why did I just burp up a Frapp bubble? Why am I pulling pink wig hairs out of my mouth? Why do I suddenly have layers of gas station grease on the bottom of my bare feet?” are questions you probably just asked yourself and the answer is: Because we’re going back to 2007, y’all!

Former Cheeto puppet master, Sam Lutfi, is suing current Cheeto puppet masters, Brit Brit Spears’ parents, for defamation (Side note: I make typos on a minutely basis and I didn’t make a typo by typing “defecation” instead of “defamation.” I disappoint myself.) and they’re battling it out in court right now.  During opening statements yesterday, TMZ says that Sam’s lawyer, Joseph Schleimer, alleged that Brit Brit shaved her weave off during her 2007 meltdown, because she was high on that Walter White stuff and was afraid she’d lose custody of her Cheetolings if she was drug tested. Sam claims that KFed always threatened to throw a drug test at Brit Brit, so she tried to thwart his plans by shaving the meth off of her head. (You know, because that’s the ONLY way they can find the meth in your system.)

Joseph Schleimer then went on to tell the jury that on the day Brit Brit was 5150′d, she went on a serious amphetamine binge. Brit Brit started her day by downing 8 Adderalls and she kept taking them until she eventually spiraled out of control and ended up on a stretcher. Sam tried to get Brit Brit psychiatric help just two days before her mind jumped out of her head, but she refused.

I don’t know who to side with here. On one side, you’ve got Sam Lutfi who controlled a mentally-ill human ATM machine by shoving meds into her mouth. On the other side, you’ve got Team Daddy Spears, who are controlling a mentally-ill human ATM machine by shoving meds into her mouth. But Daddy Spears does make a mean pot of Velveeta grits, so I’ll go with him.

Sam could be right about the meth thing since Brit Brit did have a case of serious meth weave, but then again, you too would look methed-out of your mind if your daily diet consisted only of Mountain Dew, gas station nachos, caffeinated whipped cream and pink slime (see: Honey Boo Boo Chile).

What In The Hell Kind Of GD High School Pep Really Is This?

October 16, 2012 / Posted by:

At one of my high school pep rallies, the dance team entertained us students by doing a hump dance against a folding chair to Silk’sFreak Me Baby” while wearing bodysuits. Now that’s wholesome and educational entertainment! But those wholesome days are gone, because nowadays little teen bitches are entertaining the students by re-enacting Chris Brown beating RiRi and they’re doing it in BLACK FACE. Stop the world, I want to throw these bitches off. Where the HELL was Nell Carter when the students of Waverly High School needed her?

A student at Waverly High School in Waverly, NY posted this picture on Facebook of three students earning a PhD in Bad Decision Making by doing a Fist Brown-RiRi skit in blackface. CNN iReport says this was all approved by the administration. How the hell did that happen? “So, the principal is going to open with a speech on the importance of recycling, the school band will perform ‘Call Me Maybe,’ three students in blackface will beat other and then if we have time our flying cheer team will re-enact 9/11 before a James Holmes look-alike will end the assembly by shooting blanks into the air.

One Waverly High School alumnus who was at the pep rally said that parents and teachers were also there and nobody did anything. A lot of students even laughed so the devil didn’t have to. This isn’t the first time Waverly High School brought the blackface foolery in full force. Last year, one student painted himself in blackface to play Tiger Woods in a skit. The alumnus said this:

“I think it’s unconscionable that such blatant racism has been tacitly approved two years in a row. The administration should be creating an environment where minorities are welcome, not the butts of racist jokes that make light of domestic violence.”

The superintendent of the school district said that they are investigating that mess after getting dozens of complaints:

“The Waverly School District is committed to creating a positive atmosphere through our activities. I will be working with our building administrators, our staff and our students to examine our current activities and develop future activities consistent with our commitment. Ultimately, our administrators are going to need to meet with the whole student body to set clear expectations for our behavior and the impact it has on all people.”

The superintendent went on to say, “...and then we’re going to reprimand the three students involved in this skit, because Chris Brown never beat Rihanna with an umbrella and Rihanna doesn’t suffer from Vitiligo. That’s just lazy blackfacing.” 

And the Weather Channel is reporting that the Southwest part of America is experiencing gusty winds, because everybody in Florida just breathed out a sigh of relief over this fuckery not happening in Florida.

Stupid Child Labor Laws

October 12, 2012 / Posted by:

Since we’re on the topic of things that will make you barf until you dry heave and dry heave until you pass out in a puddle of foam, it seemed natural to segue into this. It’s a touching tale about true love’s struggles to overcome incredible obstacles. Like child labor laws. Everybody say it with me, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw.

Per Radar Online, stupid California child labor laws drove a wedge between the most natural couple of all time, Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchinson, while they were filming Couples Therapy and forced them to sleep apart for the first time in their marriage. I for one am outraged and will be calling the board as soon as I finish these bong hits and the rest of this beer that ironically Courtney isn’t old enough to drink either.

Since Courtney was still 17 while they were filming, she had to endure long, cold nights away from Doug’s aging lesbian face while all the other couples got to sleep together. She had to leave her own home and make sad sexy lizard faces to her hotel room mirror all alone while her 51 year old husband stared longingly out the window with her best boa and her lucite heels on. Life is so cruel sometimes.

I sure hope that therapy worked for them, because in a world with no more Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman love, I just couldn’t go on if they fall apart too.

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