Category: Please Report To The Devil’s Office

Presented Without Comment: The Star Wars™ Chewbacca™ Crocs

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Okay maybe just a few comments: Fuck you, Disney! Fuck you right in Mickey Mouse’s asshole!

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Pics: Crocs via Uproxx

All The Shitty Things That Were Mouth Farted Out During The Duggars’ Interview With Megyn Kelly

June 4, 2015 / Posted by:

The tl;dr version of “All The Shitty Things That Were Mouth Farted Out During The Duggars’ Interview with Megyn Kelly” is: EVERYTHING.

If you have ice packs on your forehead and squirted a whole tube of Bengay on your face first thing this morning (and not in a sexy way), your mug is probably sore as all hell from cringing while watching Jim Bob Duggar and his brainwashed hostage Michelle Duggar dribble out shit-wrapped excuse after shit-wrapped excuse about their son Josh Duggar’s child touching ways. Megyn Kelly’s interview with the Duggars aired on Fox News last night and I really wish that it was Nancy Grace instead. That interview would’ve lasted a total of 10 seconds. It would’ve taken Nancy 8 seconds to unlock her jaw and swallow them both whole and it would’ve taken another 2 seconds for her to pull their skeletons from her mouth like a cartoon cat pulling out fishbones.

During the entire interview, Michelle stared at Jim Bob like an eager-to-please Cocker Spaniel. Every time she said something, she turned to him like, “Did I do good, daddy?

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I’m surprised Jim Bob didn’t toss a Snausage into her mouth and then pat the top of her head after she said each pre-rehearsed answer.

Josh Duggar Confirms Molestation Accusations And Quits His Job At Family Research Council

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

A quick minute after InTouch Weekly coughed up the receipts proving that Josh Duggar was briefly investigated for molesting 5 young girls, including his sisters, when he was a teenager, he has released a statement to People confirming that it’s true. He also resigned as spokeswhore of the Family Research Council. In the statement, Josh shits up a heave-worthy dingle about how he realized that if he kept going down Child Touching Way, he’d ruin his life. Oh, poor Josh. Let’s only think about his life, because it’s not like he ruined the lives of the girls.

“Twelve years ago, as a young teenager, I acted inexcusably for which I am extremely sorry and deeply regret. I hurt others, including my family and close friends. I confessed this to my parents who took several steps to help me address the situation. We spoke with the authorities where I confessed my wrongdoing, and my parents arranged for me and those affected by my actions to receive counseling. I understood that if I continued down this wrong road that I would end up ruining my life.”

I would do anything to go back to those teen years and take different actions,” says Josh. “I sought forgiveness from those I had wronged and asked Christ to forgive me and come into my life. In my life today, I am so very thankful for God’s grace, mercy and redemption.”

FYI: Michelle Duggar admitted in the police report that Josh never got actual counseling. They just sent him to live with a friend who owns a home renovation business. So yeah, sanding a deck and painting an accent wall in a living room really changed him.

TMZ also says that a judge today ordered for the police report to be destroyed after one of the victims told the court that she doesn’t want her name getting out there. InTouch Weekly got a hold of a redacted copy and she’s afraid that the unredacted copy will get out there. The judge agreed with her.

Josh’s pregnant wife Anna, his dad Jim Bob and his mom Michelle (who once compared transgender people to child touchers in a robocall) also released statements to People. Anna just said that Josh told her a while ago, she’s standing by him and she knows that the counseling he got (which he didn’t get) changed him. Jim Bob and Michelle basically said that they also support Josh and God got them through it. If you combine all their statements together, they say God’s name at least a million times. They say it so much that I’m sure God is thinking, “Leave me out of this shit already!”

And if you really need a reason to bang your head against a table over and over again, read some of the comments at the 19 Kids and Counting Facebook page. I think I bruised my pituitary gland and I didn’t even know I had one of those!

Pic: Reuters

Josh Duggar Allegedly Molested His Sisters

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Before we dive face first into a giant puddle of grossness, here’s a video of a puppy friend going, “Hiccups, how do they work?” You’re definitely going to need it later. Or just skip this depressing wreck altogether and go straight to the palate cleansing cuteness.

Yesterday, my mouth gave birth to 19 heaves (and counting) when I wrote about how the eldest of the Duggars, Josh Duggar, was investigated briefly for doing something “inappropriate” to a minor when he was 17. The only details we knew at the time were that his dad Jim Bob Duggar turned his son in to the police and the case went nowhere due to a pedo state trooper not following up on it. Well, InTouch Weekly and TMZ have added 4,500 coats of gross creepiness to the situation.

Jon Hamm Was An Abusive Asshole Frat Bro In The 90s

April 9, 2015 / Posted by:

If you look at Jon Hamm and think to yourself that’s definitely the face of an asshole who abused balls with a hammer and terrorized b-holes with severe wedgie torture in the early 90s, then you’re strangely specific and probably right. That’s if you believe what Star Magazine has given us.

Star (via The Daily Mail) says that long before newly sober Jon Hamm was setting panties on fire with his smolder and bruising eyeballs with his Hammaconda bulge, he was literally setting pants on fire and bruising nalgas with a paddle. Star found documents from 1990 that paint Jon Hamm as a piece of shit frat douche and not in the sexy gay porn kind of way either. When Jon Hamm (seen above as a senior in high school) was a sophomore at the University of Texas at Austin, he was charged with assault after a frat pledge accused him of all sorts of violence. The pledge, who was 21 at the time, told police that when he showed up at the Sigma Nu house at 2:30 on a November morning in 1990, a 20-year-old Jon Hamm warned him that it was going to be a long night. Again, that may sound like the start of a sexy gay orgy porn, but it’s not. The pledge says that Jon and his fellow frat douches terrorized him for almost two hours.

So About That “What The…?” Ending Of The Jinx

March 16, 2015 / Posted by:

Just hours after Robert Durst was arrested in New Orleans for the 15-year-old murder of his friend Susan Berman, the final episode of HBO’s The Jinx aired and in it, the Maenad shark showed criminals what not to do if they’ve already gotten away with a whole bunch of evil shit and want to continue to get away with it. Don’t be an attention whore and open your evil self up to a documentary.

In the finale, the documentary’s director and producer Andrew Jarecki interviewed Robert Durst and confronted him about a new piece of evidence against his ass in the case of Susan Berman’s murder. After Susan Berman was murdered in her home execution-style, someone anonymously sent the police a note with her address and the word “cadaver” on it. The fucker who sent the letter spelled “Beverly” as “Beverley.” While researching Robert Durst and Susan Berman’s murder, the filmmakers of The Jinx found a letter he mailed to her and on the envelope, “Beverly” was spelled “Beverley.” The filmmakers got a forensic document analyzer to look at both notes. The expert declared that yup, the handwriting came from the same trick. When Andrew showed the evidence to Robert Durst, he admitted that the handwriting looked the same and he couldn’t point out which was written by him. It’s impossible to know what Robert Durst is thinking since his demon shark eyes are emotionless and dead, but if you could, you’d clearly see him thinking to himself, “OH SHIT!”

SPOILER ALERT: Robert Durst Of “The Jinx” Arrested For Murder

March 15, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s times like these when I was that Big Lots sold holy water wipes, because everyone’s screen needs to be cleansed after being touched by that dark-sided picture of that unholy shark demon!

Robert Durst, the creepy ass real estate heir and subject of HBO’s highly addictive and riveting-as-fuck documentary series The Jinx (which sadly isn’t about the life and times of Jinkx Monsoon), was put into handcuffs at his hotel in New Orleans late last night after Los Angeles County issued a warrant for his arrest. Robert Durst checked into the hotel under a false name using a fake ID. He paid with cash. He is being held without bail and will be shipped off to L.A. to face first-degree murder charges. Robert Durst’s attorney Chip Lewis tells The Washington Post that he has been charged with murder and he won’t fight extradition to California. His creepy face will show itself at an extradition hearing in New Orleans tomorrow morning.

The L.A. Times reports that sources tell them that the worst Durst (which is saying a lot, because we’re living in a world where Fred Durst exists) was arrested in connection with the murder of his friend Susan Berman. The murder of Susan Berman, who was the daughter of an old-timey mobster, was covered in The Jinx. On Christmas Eve 2000, police found Susan’s body in her house in L.A. She had been shot in the head once. Many believe that Robert Durst killed Susan Berman because she knew a lot of shit about his wife’s disappearance. He has always denied killing Susan.

Pimp Mama Kris Ruined Christmas

December 23, 2014 / Posted by:

If you haven’t been able to keep any food down ever since you suffered through that dark-sided video of Pimp Mama Kris opening her legs and torturing a candy cane, then prepare for your stomach to put an “Out Of Business” sign over itself after you watch the newest video of her assault on Christmas. If I have to suffer, we all have to suffer!

Because PMK’s boss Lucifer wants to destroy the birthday of his rival’s son for everyone, she once again joined unholy forces with Love Magazine to do an advent calendar video and this time she did it with her soon-to-be top girl Kendall Jenner. The video is like a cross between a production of Chicago at The Ninth Circle Playhouse and a scene from Mean Girls if Mean Girls was a horror movie directed by David Cronenberg. If Regina George’s mom had a Rosemary’s Baby, it would be Pimp Mama Kris!

The opening scene of this mess of a video has to be the most terrifying thing ever captured on video. At first, I breathed a sigh of relief, because I thought that maybe it was Bruce Jenner giving us Santa Baby sultriness. But then the camera panned all the way up to reveal the pimp Grinch who is ruining Christmas with her desperate cool mom moves while her money maker danced like an animatronic stripper on Vicodin and wine.

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Kristmas is truly the scariest HOliday of them all.

And yes, I’ll save you a spot at holy water bin, because you will need to thoroughly cleanse your eyeballs after this.

Shia LaBeouf Claims A Woman Raped Him During His Performance Art Piece

November 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, here’s ten tons of fucked up that just took my Thanksgiving hangover headache to new levels.

Earlier this year, Shia LaBeouf pulled some Marina Abramovic shit in L.A. when he did a performance art pice called #IAMSORRY after he got caught plagiarizing a Daniel Clowes graphic novel for a short movie called Howard Cantour.com. During #IAMSORRY, Shia sat in a room by himself with a paper bag over his head and props from his career (a whip, a Transformer, a bowl full of hate tweets, etc…) sat on a table in front of him. One by one, people came into the room and either sat across from him without saying a word or talked to him or used the props in whatever way they wanted. I heard stories about how some people cursed his ass out and/or threw shit at him, but the story he told Dazed is every layer of THE FUCK?

For two weeks, Shia and Dazed editor Aimee Cliff talked back and forth online about #IAMSORRY. Aimee asked Shia if there was one experience that was either moving or soul-killing and Shia made my brain melt by saying that one crazy bitch whipped and raped him as her boyfriend and his girlfriend waited in the line outside.

One woman who came with her boyfriend, who was outside the door when this happened, whipped my legs for ten minutes and then stripped my clothing and proceeded to rape me… There were hundreds of people in line when she walked out with disheveled hair and smudged lipstick. It was no good, not just for me but her man as well. On top of that my girl was in line to see me, because it was Valentine’s Day and I was living in the gallery for the duration of the event – we were separated for five days, no communication. So it really hurt her as well, as I guess the news of it travelled through the line. When she came in she asked for an explanation, and I couldn’t speak, so we both sat with this unexplained trauma silently. It was painful.

My brain just puked up a dozen question marks. So many questions. I know Shia basically had zero rules for his performance art piece and people were allowed to do whatever they wanted to him, but you’d think that he wouldn’t have to put up a sign that read: You Can Do Anything You Want Except For Murdering, Shooting, Stabbing, Raping And Choking Shia.

Shia and Aimee Cliff also did a sit down “interview” through webcams strapped to their heads and this is how it went. (Note: If you watch 4 minutes of it, you’ve watched all of it since they don’t say a word.)

That’s pretty much what I did for an hour after reading Shia’s fucked up story.

Mama June Really Does Have A Type

November 13, 2014 / Posted by:

When we last left the sad puddle of diarrhea and rotten sketti sauce that is the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo saga, Anna “Chickadee” Cardwell had told Entertainment Tonight that she feels betrayed by Not The Mama June and it hurts seeing her pathetic excuse for a mother smiling while hanging around Mark McDaniel, the corroded ass wart who molested her when she was a little girl. Since then Anna told Dr. Drew on his HLN show that June the Hutt’s second youngest daughter Pumpkin thinks Mark McDaniel is her father. Anna said that June the Hutt has made Pumpkin believe that Mark McDaniel is her dad and that is why Pumpkin is pissed off at her right now.

Well, the creature whom Kelly LeBrock turned into a mountain of wet shit many years ago gave an interview to Entertainment Tonight and said that the convicted sex offender who molested Anna isn’t Pumpkin’s father, but a different convicted sex offender is. June the Hutt really does love those pedos. The National Sex Offender Registry is her Tinder.

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