Category: Please Report To The Devil’s Office

Anna Faris Faces A $5,000 Fine After Her Dog Is Found Starving On The Streets

November 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Anna Faris adopted a Chihuahua named Pete four years ago, and for some reason, she decided she didn’t want the pooch anymore so she found him a new home. Pete either ran away from his new humans or his new humans dumped him on the street, because he was found on Friday in a bad way. TMZ says that Pete was found wandering the streets and was all emaciated. Pete was taken to the vet and when his microchip was ran, Anna’s name and the name of the shelter she adopted him from popped up. The shelter, Kinder4Rescue, is pissed at Anna and slapped her ass with a fine for breach of contract. When Anna adopted Pete, she agreed to pay the $5,000 fine if she ever re-homed him. Most shelters want you to give the dog back to them if it doesn’t work out. This is giving me shades of Ellen DeGeneres’ dog adoption drama

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Hide Yo Daughters! Hide Yo Wives! You Know What… Everybody Should Just Hide, Because Josh Duggar Is Out Of Rehab

March 10, 2016 / Posted by:

And now you’re probably out of a monitor, because you broke yours after punching that picture of Josh Duggar’s “th-th-th-that’s all folks” face. It’s natural. We were all born with that instinct.

Around six months ago, the punchable potato Josh Duggar was sent to a Christian labor camp masquerading as a “treatment center” after he was caught trolling for side poon on Ashley Madison. Josh went there to cure himself of his sinful sinful addiction to loving porn and fucking. That was all just Duggar code for, “We need Joshie to go away for a while until everyone forgets that silly child touching and cheating stuff, so that TLC will give us our show back.” TLC pretty much gave them their show back, so now the factory-defected Mr. Potato Head doll can come out and pretend like his peen is cured from wanting to dive into cooch that isn’t attached to his wife.

Both Entertainment Tonight and People say that Josh Duggar has checked out of the bible-based rehab facility he was in for months. ET says that he left a few days ago and his “whereabouts are unknown.” Well, he’s either showing that praying away his desire to have sex for other than baby-making reasons worked and he’s screwing a pile of hookers in the room of a Comfort Inn somewhere, or he’s rehearsing the post-rehab interview he’s going to do with Megyn Kelly for Fox News. I’m going with the latter.

Of course, Josh’s wife Anna Duggar, who may be knocked up with their 5th child, has forgiven him and will take him back, because she’s been brainwashed into being Michelle Duggar 2.0. Which is why it’s going to be hard watching that inevitable Fox News interview. Anna is most likely going to silently sit there, blinking at Josh like a Furby on caffeine pills as he says that the power of God cured him of his dick’s need to wander….while he punches at his crotch because his dick keeps wanting to wander over to Megyn Kelly.

Pic: Instagram

Nickelodeon Has Made Plans To Completely Butcher “Legends Of The Hidden Temple”

March 1, 2016 / Posted by:

When I first read the news this morning that Nickelodeon is “rebooting” their 90s game show Legends of the Hidden Temple, I nearly jumped up and did the Tootsee Roll out of excitement. (The only way to celebrate the news of the return of a 90s game show is to bust out some 90s moves.) Usually reading the word “reboot” makes me want to call the police department to file a report against Hollywood for viciously murdering another piece of our childhoods, but this one I was actually excited for. I did wonder if kids nowadays even have time to be on a game show in between bullying each other on SnapChat and begging their parents to let them get Fix-A-Flat lip injections like Kylie Jenner. And then I read the actual article at Variety

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The 14-Year-Old Girl Who Tyga Texted With Came Forward In A Press Conference Today

January 4, 2016 / Posted by:

Last month, OK! ran a cover story claiming that 18-year-old Kylie Jenner dumped 26-year-old Tyga for a minute after she caught him texting with a 14-year-old girl he met on Instagram. The 14-year-old girl named Molly and her lawyer, THEE GLORIA ALLRED, held a press conference today to set shit straight and tell her side of what happened between her and the malnourished tattooed slug weasel.

OK! pixelated Molly’s face on their cover and they never named her, but she says that the kids at school still figured out that it’s her and wrecks on social media have been harassing her. OK!’s story should be read in a boiling bleach bath, because they claim that Molly was “excited” about Tyga flirting with her. Molly said in the press conference today that OK! printed lies. She says that Tyga found her on Instagram and she talked to him because she thought he was contacting about her music.

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Subway Jared Got 15 Years In The Chokey

November 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Back in August, PedoBear’s favorite caterer Jared Fogle pleaded guilty to receiving child porn and “repeatedly having sex with minors.” As part of the plea deal, Jared agreed to serve at least 5 years in prison and prosecutors agreed that they’d ask the judge for no more than 12 and a half years. But ultimately, it was up to the judge to decide. Jared lawyers pretty much grasped at straws during the sentencing hearing to try and keep him from getting hit with the maximum sentence. They said that Jared had a “mild pedophilia” issue, because he was mostly “attracted” to teenagers and not little children. To paraphrase Whoopi Goldberg, they said that Jared’s not a PEDO pedo.

A psychiatrist also testified for the defense and said that Jared started really acting out on his pedo thoughts when he went on the Subway Diet and started to lose some chunk. The psychiatrist said that Jared replaced overeating with nasty pedo stuff. But just to be sure, you should stay away from Subway turkey subs, because they’ll give you a craving for child porn. Quiznos is totally going to use that: “Yeah, our subs will make you fat, but at least they won’t make you want to diddle kids!

“Once he lost weight, it seemed as though in a short time he had hyper-sexuality,” forensic psychiatrist John Bradford testified for the defense at Fogle’s sentencing Thursday morning in Indianapolis. “There are brain disorders that can be associated with sexual drive.”

Surprisingly, the Subway Diet defense didn’t work. Today, U.S. District Judge Tanya Walton Pratt slapped Jared with the maximum sentence and then some. NPR says that Judge Tanya sentenced him to 15.6 years in prison. He’ll have to be locked up for 13 years before he asks for parole and once he gets out, he can’t have any unsupervised contact with kids. But he can see his own.

Jared also has to pay over a million dollars to 10 of his victims.

Judge Tanya not only won hearts by giving him more than the maximum, but she won my heart during the hearing. When the dried drop of smegma cried about how much he hurt his wife, Judge Tanya stopped him to say:

“You gave your wife almost $7 million though. She’ll be OK.”

Judge Tanya then dropped the mic gavel, whipped her robe around and exited stage left.

Pic: Subway

Brooks Ayers Of RHOC Is Sorry For Faking His Chemotherapy Bills, Still Claims He Has Cancer

November 11, 2015 / Posted by:

E! News pretty much shot a million more holes into Brooks Ayers’I swear I’ve got cancer” claims yesterday when they posted proof that he faked his chemotherapy bills and got a rep from City of Hope to confirm that they’ve never treated the slimy douche dingle from the Real Housewives of Orange County. Brooks told E! News last week that he does have cancer and he showed them chemotherapy bills from City of Hope as proof. But after getting called out, Brooks admitted to E! that the chemotherapy bills he showed them were as real as whatever the hell Vicki Gunvalson put in her face.

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