Category: Please Report To The Devil’s Office

Prince On A Wrinkly Ass Bed Sheet?! You Really Did It This Time, Timberlake!

February 4, 2018 / Posted by:

Joey Fatone wasn’t lying when he said that NSYNC was not going to inject some hotness (don’t act like Joey Fatone thrusting his crotch ain’t the epitome of hotness) into the Super Bowl halftime show. Janet Jackson wasn’t lying when she said that she was not going to save the Super Bowl halftime show by popping up on the stage to pull a front panel on Justin Timberlake’s pants and reveal his pierced right nut. Sheila E wasn’t lying when she said that there would not be a Prince hologram during the Super Bowl halftime show. There wasn’t a Prince hologram, but there was a blurry ass Prince projection on a giant wrinkly sheet.

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Oh, Nicollette Sheridan, How Could You?!!!?!

November 28, 2017 / Posted by:

When you first get cast in a primetime soap opera, you are asked to put your right hand on the primetime soap opera bible (Dynasty: The Complete Series DVD collection) and vow to never ever betray the primetime soap opera God (Joan Collins) by playing the role of Alexis Carrington in a bottom shelf reboot of Dynasty. But Nicollette Sheridan has broken that vow and committed the ultimate primetime soap opera sin by taking the role of Alexis Carrington in a bottom shelf reboot of Dynasty! Why, Nicollette, why? If you need a check that bad, you should’ve started a GoFundMe. We all would’ve donated and understood!

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Outback Steakhouse Denies Illuminati Ties

July 31, 2017 / Posted by:

And Beyonce replies, “Sure, Jan.”

Twitter had everyone wondering if Outback Steakhouse’s dark bread stood for the DARK ARTS this weekend after people posted extremely reliable images linking the restaurant to—what else??—the occult. I mean, any of y’all ever see how many Weight Watchers points are in a Bloomin’ Onion? No wonder the creators of it would be a bunch of deranged demons!

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A Teenage Gang Of Satan’s Minions Viciously Harassed Earth Angel Susan Boyle!

June 26, 2017 / Posted by:

It’s been two and-a-half years since Britain’s Got Talent superstar and former Hot Slut of the Week Susan Boyle has graced the front page of Dlisted, and I wish this long-awaited post was about something positive like her replacing Bette Midler in Hello, Dolly! on Broadway or her replacing Katy Perry as the head judge on American Idol. But this is a sad post that proves for the millionth time that all teenage boys should be banished from civilization and sent to live on a Lord of the Flies-like island, and yes, I say this as a trick who was once a teenage boy who should’ve been sent to live on a Lord of the Flies-like island.

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No, This Is Not A Headline From The Onion

June 22, 2017 / Posted by:

Bill Cosby Schools You On Rape Allegations” is something you’d expect to see on a Learning Annex sign outside of a Holiday Inn conference room in the Ninth Circle of HELL. But apparently, that’s something you may see on a sign outside of a theater near you. This is like Ole’ Sleazy Puddin’ Pop’s rendition of O.J. Simpson’s If I Did It. The devil is real.

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David Duke Keeps Fighting With Captain America On Twitter

February 14, 2017 / Posted by:

Every day, I read a story that makes me think that we’re all trapped in one really long acid trip, and one day we’ll wake up in the desert and realize that we just dropped the wrong shit at Burning Man. That’s all. J. Harvey covered one of those stories this past weekend.

This surreal fight started when Chris Evans tweeted about the confirmation of Jeff Sessions as Attorney General and said that if racist demon anus David Duke agrees with that choice, then something is really really wrong. Captain America’s tweet awoke the dehydrated tape worm and he spit back by calling Chris Evans a “dumb actor” and other shit. I thought that was the end of another WTF fight for the WTF feuds history books. But then Reverend Henry Kane’s more evil older half-brother kept on going.

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