Category: Please Report To The Devil’s Office

Outback Steakhouse Denies Illuminati Ties

July 31, 2017 / Posted by:

And Beyonce replies, “Sure, Jan.”

Twitter had everyone wondering if Outback Steakhouse’s dark bread stood for the DARK ARTS this weekend after people posted extremely reliable images linking the restaurant to—what else??—the occult. I mean, any of y’all ever see how many Weight Watchers points are in a Bloomin’ Onion? No wonder the creators of it would be a bunch of deranged demons!

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A Teenage Gang Of Satan’s Minions Viciously Harassed Earth Angel Susan Boyle!

June 26, 2017 / Posted by:

It’s been two and-a-half years since Britain’s Got Talent superstar and former Hot Slut of the Week Susan Boyle has graced the front page of Dlisted, and I wish this long-awaited post was about something positive like her replacing Bette Midler in Hello, Dolly! on Broadway or her replacing Katy Perry as the head judge on American Idol. But this is a sad post that proves for the millionth time that all teenage boys should be banished from civilization and sent to live on a Lord of the Flies-like island, and yes, I say this as a trick who was once a teenage boy who should’ve been sent to live on a Lord of the Flies-like island.

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No, This Is Not A Headline From The Onion

June 22, 2017 / Posted by:

Bill Cosby Schools You On Rape Allegations” is something you’d expect to see on a Learning Annex sign outside of a Holiday Inn conference room in the Ninth Circle of HELL. But apparently, that’s something you may see on a sign outside of a theater near you. This is like Ole’ Sleazy Puddin’ Pop’s rendition of O.J. Simpson’s If I Did It. The devil is real.

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David Duke Keeps Fighting With Captain America On Twitter

February 14, 2017 / Posted by:

Every day, I read a story that makes me think that we’re all trapped in one really long acid trip, and one day we’ll wake up in the desert and realize that we just dropped the wrong shit at Burning Man. That’s all. J. Harvey covered one of those stories this past weekend.

This surreal fight started when Chris Evans tweeted about the confirmation of Jeff Sessions as Attorney General and said that if racist demon anus David Duke agrees with that choice, then something is really really wrong. Captain America’s tweet awoke the dehydrated tape worm and he spit back by calling Chris Evans a “dumb actor” and other shit. I thought that was the end of another WTF fight for the WTF feuds history books. But then Reverend Henry Kane’s more evil older half-brother kept on going.

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Katherine Jackson Got A Restraining Order Against Her Nephew After Accusing Him Of Abuse

February 9, 2017 / Posted by:

Katherine Jackson is going through it again. In 2012, she had to read a scripted statement in front of cameras after her children were accused of kidnapping her and holding her against her will. And now 86-year-old Katherine Jackson says that she’s been suffering through oldie abuse by the hand of her own nephew (through marriage) Trent Lamar Jackson. Katherine is currently in London, visiting her newest grandchild, and she may stay there for a while, because she’s afraid of coming back home to her nephew from HELL.

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“A Dog’s Purpose” Premiere Has Been Shit-Canned

January 20, 2017 / Posted by:

A couple of days ago, TMZ posted behind-the-scenes footage of a dog actor named Hercules being forced to do a stunt he clearly didn’t want to do on the set of A Dog’s Purpose in Winnipeg. Someone shot video of Hercules’ trainer trying to put his scared furry ass in rushing water as one crew member said, “Just gotta throw him in.” Both the movie’s director Lasse Hallström (who claims he was not on set, uh huh) and one of its stars Josh Gad said they were grossed out by the video. PETA called for a boycott and the American Humane Association said that they suspended the rep who was on set. The production companies behind the movie, Universal and Amblin, kind of shrugged it off and said that Hercules and the other dog actors were all treated well. But yesterday, Amblin announced that they have killed plans for the premiere and press junket.

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