Category: Please Report To The Devil’s Office

Subway Jared Got 15 Years In The Chokey

November 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Back in August, PedoBear’s favorite caterer Jared Fogle pleaded guilty to receiving child porn and “repeatedly having sex with minors.” As part of the plea deal, Jared agreed to serve at least 5 years in prison and prosecutors agreed that they’d ask the judge for no more than 12 and a half years. But ultimately, it was up to the judge to decide. Jared lawyers pretty much grasped at straws during the sentencing hearing to try and keep him from getting hit with the maximum sentence. They said that Jared had a “mild pedophilia” issue, because he was mostly “attracted” to teenagers and not little children. To paraphrase Whoopi Goldberg, they said that Jared’s not a PEDO pedo.

A psychiatrist also testified for the defense and said that Jared started really acting out on his pedo thoughts when he went on the Subway Diet and started to lose some chunk. The psychiatrist said that Jared replaced overeating with nasty pedo stuff. But just to be sure, you should stay away from Subway turkey subs, because they’ll give you a craving for child porn. Quiznos is totally going to use that: “Yeah, our subs will make you fat, but at least they won’t make you want to diddle kids!

“Once he lost weight, it seemed as though in a short time he had hyper-sexuality,” forensic psychiatrist John Bradford testified for the defense at Fogle’s sentencing Thursday morning in Indianapolis. “There are brain disorders that can be associated with sexual drive.”

Surprisingly, the Subway Diet defense didn’t work. Today, U.S. District Judge Tanya Walton Pratt slapped Jared with the maximum sentence and then some. NPR says that Judge Tanya sentenced him to 15.6 years in prison. He’ll have to be locked up for 13 years before he asks for parole and once he gets out, he can’t have any unsupervised contact with kids. But he can see his own.

Jared also has to pay over a million dollars to 10 of his victims.

Judge Tanya not only won hearts by giving him more than the maximum, but she won my heart during the hearing. When the dried drop of smegma cried about how much he hurt his wife, Judge Tanya stopped him to say:

“You gave your wife almost $7 million though. She’ll be OK.”

Judge Tanya then dropped the mic gavel, whipped her robe around and exited stage left.

Pic: Subway

Brooks Ayers Of RHOC Is Sorry For Faking His Chemotherapy Bills, Still Claims He Has Cancer

November 11, 2015 / Posted by:

E! News pretty much shot a million more holes into Brooks Ayers’I swear I’ve got cancer” claims yesterday when they posted proof that he faked his chemotherapy bills and got a rep from City of Hope to confirm that they’ve never treated the slimy douche dingle from the Real Housewives of Orange County. Brooks told E! News last week that he does have cancer and he showed them chemotherapy bills from City of Hope as proof. But after getting called out, Brooks admitted to E! that the chemotherapy bills he showed them were as real as whatever the hell Vicki Gunvalson put in her face.

City Of Hope Says That They’ve Never Treated Brooks Ayers For Cancer

November 10, 2015 / Posted by:

On the Real Housewives of Orange County last season, a huge chunk of time was spent on whether or not Vicki Gunvalson’s (now ex) piece Brooks Ayers was and is faking cancer. New Housemess and piece of dehydrated celery, Meghan King Edmonds, was one of the first to say that something in the milk ain’t cancer. In one of the earlier episodes, a psychic told Meghan, Tamra Judge and Heather Dubrow that shifty and shady Brooks doesn’t have cancer. They decided to investigate that shit and stopped short of hiring Detective La Toya to get to the bottom of everything. Meanwhile, Brooks and Vicki kept insisting that he has the Big C and those demonic hags will rot (well, not really rot since plastic doesn’t do that) in hell for accusing a poor, sick man of faking the sicks. Brooks recently claimed he got chemotherapy treatments at City of Hope and he provided the receipts. But well, City of Hope has released a statement saying, “We don’t know the bitch.

Aunt Jen Explains Why She Sued Her Little Nephew Over A Hug That Broke Her Wrist

October 14, 2015 / Posted by:

Jennifer Connell of NYC was awarded the Black Heart of Evil by Satan yesterday when the world found out that she sued her now 12-year-old nephew Sean Taras for causing her to break her wrist during a hug-gone-wrong at his 8th birthday party. Aunt Jen sued Sean for $127,000, because she claimed that he was old enough to know that leaping into her arms for a hug would lead to injury. Some of us who appreciate shameless evil slow clapped for Aunt Jen. But Aunt Jen’s lawyer issued a statement explaining why she sued her nephew and he would like everyone to stop calling her the worst aunt who ever lived.

Pope Francis And Kim Davis Aren’t BFFs After All

October 2, 2015 / Posted by:

A few days ago, bootleg Duggar and gay marriage hater Kim Davis was like:

“Big Papa Frankie – he lets me call him that – asked me out weeks ago and we had a beautiful long date and he told me he loved me, showered me with gifts and promised me that we’d be in each other’s hearts forever.”

Today, Pope Francis was like:

“Errr, yeah, we went out, but after 5 minutes, I acted like I had to go to the bathroom and left while blocking her number on my phone.”

We’ve all been there.

Presented Without Comment: The Star Wars™ Chewbacca™ Crocs

August 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Okay maybe just a few comments: Fuck you, Disney! Fuck you right in Mickey Mouse’s asshole!


Pics: Crocs via Uproxx

All The Shitty Things That Were Mouth Farted Out During The Duggars’ Interview With Megyn Kelly

June 4, 2015 / Posted by:

The tl;dr version of “All The Shitty Things That Were Mouth Farted Out During The Duggars’ Interview with Megyn Kelly” is: EVERYTHING.

If you have ice packs on your forehead and squirted a whole tube of Bengay on your face first thing this morning (and not in a sexy way), your mug is probably sore as all hell from cringing while watching Jim Bob Duggar and his brainwashed hostage Michelle Duggar dribble out shit-wrapped excuse after shit-wrapped excuse about their son Josh Duggar’s child touching ways. Megyn Kelly’s interview with the Duggars aired on Fox News last night and I really wish that it was Nancy Grace instead. That interview would’ve lasted a total of 10 seconds. It would’ve taken Nancy 8 seconds to unlock her jaw and swallow them both whole and it would’ve taken another 2 seconds for her to pull their skeletons from her mouth like a cartoon cat pulling out fishbones.

During the entire interview, Michelle stared at Jim Bob like an eager-to-please Cocker Spaniel. Every time she said something, she turned to him like, “Did I do good, daddy?


I’m surprised Jim Bob didn’t toss a Snausage into her mouth and then pat the top of her head after she said each pre-rehearsed answer.

Josh Duggar Confirms Molestation Accusations And Quits His Job At Family Research Council

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

A quick minute after InTouch Weekly coughed up the receipts proving that Josh Duggar was briefly investigated for molesting 5 young girls, including his sisters, when he was a teenager, he has released a statement to People confirming that it’s true. He also resigned as spokeswhore of the Family Research Council. In the statement, Josh shits up a heave-worthy dingle about how he realized that if he kept going down Child Touching Way, he’d ruin his life. Oh, poor Josh. Let’s only think about his life, because it’s not like he ruined the lives of the girls.

“Twelve years ago, as a young teenager, I acted inexcusably for which I am extremely sorry and deeply regret. I hurt others, including my family and close friends. I confessed this to my parents who took several steps to help me address the situation. We spoke with the authorities where I confessed my wrongdoing, and my parents arranged for me and those affected by my actions to receive counseling. I understood that if I continued down this wrong road that I would end up ruining my life.”

I would do anything to go back to those teen years and take different actions,” says Josh. “I sought forgiveness from those I had wronged and asked Christ to forgive me and come into my life. In my life today, I am so very thankful for God’s grace, mercy and redemption.”

FYI: Michelle Duggar admitted in the police report that Josh never got actual counseling. They just sent him to live with a friend who owns a home renovation business. So yeah, sanding a deck and painting an accent wall in a living room really changed him.

TMZ also says that a judge today ordered for the police report to be destroyed after one of the victims told the court that she doesn’t want her name getting out there. InTouch Weekly got a hold of a redacted copy and she’s afraid that the unredacted copy will get out there. The judge agreed with her.

Josh’s pregnant wife Anna, his dad Jim Bob and his mom Michelle (who once compared transgender people to child touchers in a robocall) also released statements to People. Anna just said that Josh told her a while ago, she’s standing by him and she knows that the counseling he got (which he didn’t get) changed him. Jim Bob and Michelle basically said that they also support Josh and God got them through it. If you combine all their statements together, they say God’s name at least a million times. They say it so much that I’m sure God is thinking, “Leave me out of this shit already!”

And if you really need a reason to bang your head against a table over and over again, read some of the comments at the 19 Kids and Counting Facebook page. I think I bruised my pituitary gland and I didn’t even know I had one of those!

Pic: Reuters

Josh Duggar Allegedly Molested His Sisters

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Before we dive face first into a giant puddle of grossness, here’s a video of a puppy friend going, “Hiccups, how do they work?” You’re definitely going to need it later. Or just skip this depressing wreck altogether and go straight to the palate cleansing cuteness.

Yesterday, my mouth gave birth to 19 heaves (and counting) when I wrote about how the eldest of the Duggars, Josh Duggar, was investigated briefly for doing something “inappropriate” to a minor when he was 17. The only details we knew at the time were that his dad Jim Bob Duggar turned his son in to the police and the case went nowhere due to a pedo state trooper not following up on it. Well, InTouch Weekly and TMZ have added 4,500 coats of gross creepiness to the situation.

Jon Hamm Was An Abusive Asshole Frat Bro In The 90s

April 9, 2015 / Posted by:

If you look at Jon Hamm and think to yourself that’s definitely the face of an asshole who abused balls with a hammer and terrorized b-holes with severe wedgie torture in the early 90s, then you’re strangely specific and probably right. That’s if you believe what Star Magazine has given us.

Star (via The Daily Mail) says that long before newly sober Jon Hamm was setting panties on fire with his smolder and bruising eyeballs with his Hammaconda bulge, he was literally setting pants on fire and bruising nalgas with a paddle. Star found documents from 1990 that paint Jon Hamm as a piece of shit frat douche and not in the sexy gay porn kind of way either. When Jon Hamm (seen above as a senior in high school) was a sophomore at the University of Texas at Austin, he was charged with assault after a frat pledge accused him of all sorts of violence. The pledge, who was 21 at the time, told police that when he showed up at the Sigma Nu house at 2:30 on a November morning in 1990, a 20-year-old Jon Hamm warned him that it was going to be a long night. Again, that may sound like the start of a sexy gay orgy porn, but it’s not. The pledge says that Jon and his fellow frat douches terrorized him for almost two hours.

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