Every day, I read a story that makes me think that we’re all trapped in one really long acid trip, and one day we’ll wake up in the desert and realize that we just dropped the wrong shit at Burning Man. That’s all. J. Harvey covered one of those stories this past weekend.
This surreal fight started when Chris Evans tweeted about the confirmation of Jeff Sessions as Attorney General and said that if racist demon anus David Duke agrees with that choice, then something is really really wrong. Captain America’s tweet awoke the dehydrated tape worm and he spit back by calling Chris Evans a “dumb actor” and other shit. I thought that was the end of another WTF fight for the WTF feuds history books. But then Reverend Henry Kane’s more evil older half-brother kept on going.
Katherine Jackson is going through it again. In 2012, she had to read a scripted statement in front of cameras after her children were accused of kidnapping her and holding her against her will. And now 86-year-old Katherine Jackson says that she’s been suffering through oldie abuse by the hand of her own nephew (through marriage) Trent Lamar Jackson. Katherine is currently in London, visiting her newest grandchild, and she may stay there for a while, because she’s afraid of coming back home to her nephew from HELL.
A couple of days ago, TMZ posted behind-the-scenes footage of a dog actor named Hercules being forced to do a stunt he clearly didn’t want to do on the set of A Dog’s Purpose in Winnipeg. Someone shot video of Hercules’ trainer trying to put his scared furry ass in rushing water as one crew member said, “Just gotta throw him in.” Both the movie’s director Lasse Hallström (who claims he was not on set, uh huh) and one of its stars Josh Gad said they were grossed out by the video. PETA called for a boycott and the American Humane Association said that they suspended the rep who was on set. The production companies behind the movie, Universal and Amblin, kind of shrugged it off and said that Hercules and the other dog actors were all treated well. But yesterday, Amblin announced that they have killed plans for the premiere and press junket.
Milo & Otis was one of my favorite movies ever until a dark-sided cloud of kitten blood covered it after I read about how that more than a dozen kittehs may have been killed during the making of it. That little cutesy movie turned into a terrifying horror show real fast. Now, as far as we know, no animals were killed during the making of the new movie A Dog’s Purpose, but one German shepherd was definitely left traumatized after the poor pooch was forced into rushing water. Who knew that Michael Vick was now working as an animal stunt coordinator on movies?
Justin Bieber shouldn’t even be allowed to adopt a factory-defected Hatchimal, but yet the new money Elmyra Duff keeps getting himself living and breathing toys that entertain him for a few seconds before he gets bored and tosses them off to someone else. If the Biebs and Parasite Hilton ever join forces, not only will the CDC have to issue several CODE REDS, so will the ASPCA. And every pet store puppy will try to hide in the nest of shredded newspaper in their cages every time those two dried drops of ass discharge walk by.
The Biebs abandoned his monkey in Germany, passed his pet hamster off to a random fan and gave a dog to his dad, who allegedly tossed the poor creature off of a balcony. And the Biebs earned another medal for committing a mean act of animal abandonment (Chris Pratt and Anna Faris will present him with the award at the ceremony) when he gave away his chow-chow puppy, a chow-chow puppy who was born with a birth defect and needs surgery.
Last month, Anna Faris and Chris Pratt showed the people that under those Botox-infused sweetheart faces and chipper smiles are two pet-abandoning monsters of evil!!!! Pete sees it, because if that isn’t a look that says, “Fake ass bitch, I know your kind…”
Back in 2011, Chris Pratt was called out after he gave his cat away on Twitter, because apparently the pussy was old and was caca’ing all over the place. Anna was trying to get pregnant at the time so they were afraid of toxoplasmosis. Then last month, the owner of the Kinder4Rescue animal shelter in North Hollywood, CA shit on Anna Faris for giving away the chihuahua she adopted from them. Anna adopted Pete the Chihuahua from the shelter 5 years ago, and eventually gave him to a new home. Pete was found on the streets last month looking as crappy as Passengers‘ reviews. Pete was apparently emaciated. He was taken a vet who checked his microchip, which showed that he’s registered to both Anna Faris and Kinder4Rescue. At the time that Pete was found looking down and out, Anna and Chris were out of town, but they were working on sending someone to pick the dog up from the shelter. That didn’t happen.