UPDATE: And now with mug shot, in case you needed a feel-good wallpaper for your phone.
Bill Cosby will have at least three years to perfect his prison Puddin’ Pop recipe (using dirty toilet water, generic brand gelatin bought from the commissary and powdered milk), because today he was hit with a 3 to 10 year prison sentence for drugging and raping Andrea Constand in 2004. And just like that, Trump crossed Cosby’s name off of the list of possible replacements in case Brett Kavanaugh’s nomination doesn’t go through.
When it comes time for us gays to be thrown into the camps, Jabba the Trump better give me the middle bunk between Ricky Martin and his hot piece of a husband for copy and pasting a Mario Kart Mushroom that is six times bigger than what Stormy Daniels claims he’s working with for real.
“Mario Kart” has been trending all day today, and at first I figured it was because there’s a new game, or it’s the anniversary of that shit, or maybe Super Mario was killed off in a tragic kart accident. It’s a billion times worse than the last one. “Where were you the day you clicked on Mario Kart on Twitter” is the moment that will haunt us all thanks to Stormy Daniels’ evil ass.
United Is In Another Shit Storm After A Flight Attendant Told A Passenger To Put Her Dog In The Overhead Bin
You may have already read the tragic story about the puppy who died a slow, dark death in an overhead bin on a United Airlines flight, and if you have, I apologize for bringing it up again and causing your heart to break and trickle down your body and out of your ass. If you haven’t read this story, then I apologize for bringing it up and causing your heart to break and trickle down your body and out of your ass. This is the kind of awful story where what should be the palate cleanser (read: a picture of an adorable puppy) is actually what’s bringing on the sadness in major doses.
During my dog’s 15 years of life, I’ve traveled with him on a plane at least a dozen times. I’ve never really had any major issues, except for my nerves splitting while subliminally saying to him, “Please don’t diarrhea in your carrier, please don’t diarrhea in your carrier…” But Catalina Robledo and her family had the worst thing happened to them when a United flight attendant told her to put their dog in an overhead bin. That overhead bin ended up becoming the dog’s coffin. I told you this story was the worst.
Joey Fatone wasn’t lying when he said that NSYNC was not going to inject some hotness (don’t act like Joey Fatone thrusting his crotch ain’t the epitome of hotness) into the Super Bowl halftime show. Janet Jackson wasn’t lying when she said that she was not going to save the Super Bowl halftime show by popping up on the stage to pull a front panel on Justin Timberlake’s pants and reveal his pierced right nut. Sheila E wasn’t lying when she said that there would not be a Prince hologram during the Super Bowl halftime show. There wasn’t a Prince hologram, but there was a blurry ass Prince projection on a giant wrinkly sheet.
When you first get cast in a primetime soap opera, you are asked to put your right hand on the primetime soap opera bible (Dynasty: The Complete Series DVD collection) and vow to never ever betray the primetime soap opera God (Joan Collins) by playing the role of Alexis Carrington in a bottom shelf reboot of Dynasty. But Nicollette Sheridan has broken that vow and committed the ultimate primetime soap opera sin by taking the role of Alexis Carrington in a bottom shelf reboot of Dynasty! Why, Nicollette, why? If you need a check that bad, you should’ve started a GoFundMe. We all would’ve donated and understood!
And Beyonce replies, “Sure, Jan.”
Twitter had everyone wondering if Outback Steakhouse’s dark bread stood for the DARK ARTS this weekend after people posted extremely reliable images linking the restaurant to—what else??—the occult. I mean, any of y’all ever see how many Weight Watchers points are in a Bloomin’ Onion? No wonder the creators of it would be a bunch of deranged demons!