Back in July, Pitbull released a song called Sexy Beaches, which as you can guess is about sexy beaches. Particularly, Florida’s sexy beaches. Pitbull, who is from Miami, shouts about sexy beaches and hotels as sexy bitches in swimsuits splash around in slow motion in the water. It was pretty much a commercial for Florida. The only thing missing was a voice-over at the end instructing you to dial 1-800-FLORIDA and ask to speak to Candace for more information on vacation packages.
As it turns out, yeah, Sexy Beaches was a commercial, and Pitbull got paid a lot of money for it. Unfortunately, he got in a little trouble this week because it took a lot of poking to get Pitbull to admit how much he was paid for it.
Or somebody bought it for her.
Since Courtney Stodden wasn’t interested in getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame this year and the powers-that-be have a quota to fill, they let JLo (or somebody) buy one. JLo got the 2,500th star and they unveiled it today in Hollywood at a ceremony which brought out her leased piece Casper Smart, Jane Fonda, Pitbull and the Dragon Tales Twins (yes, I totally forgot their names). JLo kept it understated and casual as always in a huge ass gigantic satin skirt (that was so big that it managed to make her quadruple layer ass disappear) and mother of the bride hair. She looks like a giant peach and I’m sure if she farted, James would’ve come flying out.
I see that Casper Smart has sprinkled Chia Pet seeds on his head. Now that he’s got hair, he’s a total mystery to me. Casper Smart has somehow managed to look like a newborn baby and a middle-aged man at the same time. I don’t know if he’s growing his hair in for the first time or if he’s losing his hair. With all that being said, I kind of like Casper Smart with hair. When I look at him, I start to sing to myself, “Monchhichi, Monchhichiiiiii, oh so soft and cuddleeeee!”
The E*Trade babies should slap themselves in their baby faces for creating a crack monster of delusion who thinks she can spit a stupid lawsuit at anybody who mentions her name. Last year, E*Trade settled with Lindsay Lohan for an “unspecified sum” after she sued them for naming a milkaholic baby “Lindsay.” Then White Oprah humped the L on delusional hard when she threatened to sue Glee for calling her freckled coke bag of a skank daughter “crazy.” And now TMZ reports that Blohan is sinking her greasy troll claws into Pitbull for using her name in his song Give Me Everything. The lyrics goes like this:
Hustlers move aside, so I’m tiptoein’, to keep flowin’
I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan.
Blohan has been in jail more times than she’s been on a movie set, so that line is the truth. You and I see it, but then again we’re not a dumb-brained skeezer who keeps finding ways to sink to a new level of pathetic. (Although, I’m probably in no place to say that since I just ate a raw Top Ramen in one sitting.)
Blohan’s reason for why she says Pitbull is defaming her good name is going to go down in history as one of the most classic jokes of our time:
Lindsay is pissed, claiming in her lawsuit … “the lyrics, by virtue of its wide appeal, condemnation, excoriation, disparaging or defamatory statements by the defendants about the plaintiff are destined to do irreparable harm to the plaintiff.”
Lindsay, who claims in the lawsuit she is “a professional actor of good repute and standing in the Screen Actors Guild, is suing under the New York civil rights laws, which protects people from having their name exploited for commercial purposes.
Lindsay alleges the appearance of her name in the song “causes [Lindsay] to be associated and identified in connection with defendants.”
“A professional actor of good repute.” How is this bitch not head writer of The Onion?
The only bitch Lindsay Lohan should sue for defaming Lindsay Lohan is Lindsay Lohan (“Can I do that?” – Lindsay Lohan). Bitch is defaming herself. But if acting like a desperate fool is paying her bar tab, then sue on, sue on, I guess.
Sooner or later, she’s going to run out of hos to sue and she’s going to have to suck new age hippie dick under a bridge to get her sea jasper fix like all the other quartz whores out there.