Pink dressed up like a pregnant Stevie Nicks to announce her second pregnancy on Instagram. As far as I know, the White-Winged Dove herself doesn’t have any children. So this is an opportunity to see what that baby might have looked like. Either that or you can use it as a visualization of Stevie after having taken part in too many Burrito Dreams at her self-styled Fajita Round-Up restaurant. Btw, I’m referencing my favorite SNL impression of all time.
I assumed we were done with this mess as soon as hillbilly peacemaker Miley Cyrus chirped up on Instagram pleading for everyone to try to get along, y’all. But no, the online slap fight no one asked for continues. Yesterday, Pink celebrated International Women’s Day by tweeting the following message:
— P!nk (@Pink) March 9, 2016
Pink doesn’t name any names. But she didn’t exactly have to. The parts about “attention” and “tits and asses” were probably a not-so-subtle reference to Kim Kardashian’s and her attention-yanking plastic mommy selfie. After Pink posted her International Women’s Day pep talk, she must have read Kim’s essay about “empowerment.” Because she followed her note up with a tweet about being open to everyone’s feelings and opinions. But Pink made it clear that those feelings and opinions won’t change her mind. Well, proud slut Amber Rose is determined to change her mind. Or at least determined to start a sub-fight within this race-to-the-bottom nonsense.
I completely forgot about that movie where Goopy Paltrow plays a sex addict and that’s because my brain really doesn’t want to think about that flaccid pencil dick in a blond wig as a sex addict. I was reminded about it, because it comes out this week and Goopy was on Chelsea Lately last night to promote it. Because Goopy’s movie is about sluts addicted to ass, Chelsea jokingly said that she’s a sex addict in real life. In a hotel room somewhere, Chris Martin lifted his head up off of his side trick’s crotch and let out the cackle of all cackles.
Chelsea also brought up Goopy’s upcoming 41st birthday and when she asked her what she was doing it for it, bitch said, “This year it’s Chick-Fil-A and that’s it.”
CHICK-FIL-A! She would.
I would’ve guessed that out of all the fast food places, Fishsticks would want to eat at Long John Silver’s, because she’d get off from eating herself. But seriously, I doubt Goopy taints her pristine temple of a body with any kind of processed shit. What she meant is that the only thing she’s going to eat for her birthday is the filet of an endangered bald eagle chick. That’s what she meant.
Here’s Goopy and Pink and Carey Hart at the premiere of Thank You For Sharing in Hollywood last night.
Remember back in the olden days of 2009 when Kanye West was still an asshole and Taylor Swift wasn’t totally pull-your-pubes-out-and-eat-them annoying? Well, Gawker took us back there today when they posted a secret tape of Kanye being Kanye after his “Imma let you finish” moment at the VMAs in 2009. The leaked tape was secretly recorded at the Corner Bistro in the West Village right after the VMAs. It’s not confirmed that it’s Kanye on the tape, but it sounds like Kanye and listening to it made my ears barf out gay fish jizz, so it must be Kanye!
In the tape, that’s under a minute long, Kanye says some shit about Taylor Swift, MTV, Pink and then says that his mother died for this fame shit. It’s a mess, it’s all over the place and it’s typical Kanye. Kanye starts off by talking about why he snatched the mic from Taylor of Green Gables:
“I’m pushing the envelope! I wrote my fuckin’ ‘Run This Town’ verse for a fuckin’ month! When I heard Eminem’s verse on the Drake shit, I went back and rewrote my shit for two days. I canceled appointments to rewrite! I fuckin’ care! You know what I’m saying? And that’s what I’m saying. Because I did that, Taylor Swift cannot win over Beyoncé! Because I wrote my verse in two days, Taylor Swift cannot beat Beyoncé. As long as I’m alive! And if I’m alive, kill me then! Kill me then! As long as I’m alive, you gon’ have to deal with it. ‘Cause there ain’t gonna be no more motherfucking Elvises with no James Browns.”
He canceled dentist appointments for that shit! Taylor Swift cannot win over Beyonce, because he has cavities now since he canceled appointments and dental cleanings and shit.
And then he went in on Pink in the most hilarious way:
“It ain’t no love. What the fuck was Pink performing? Don’t nobody know that song. Pink performed twice! Two songs? How the fuck Pink perform two songs and I didn’t even get asked to perform “Heartless.” “Heartless” is the biggest song of the year! It had the most spins of the first quarter! I don’t know that Pink song! But I noticed that she’s pink! “
That last line should be the official tagline of cocaine. I want to cackle while pounding my head against a hard surface.
During the recording, a woman asked him why he’s so angry and he said, “Because my mother got arrested for the fuckin’ sit-ins. My mother died for this fame shit! I moved to fuckin’ Hollywood chasing this shit. My mother died because of this shit. Fuck MTV.”
I don’t even know. The audio is at Gawker and it’s a crazy, manic, mess. If you inhale hard while listening to it, you’ll get second-hand coke high. This Kanye’s ego on coke and massive amounts of delusion.
As UsWeekly pointed out last night, Miley Cyrus showed up to the VMAs last night with Pink’s signature butch bitch mohawk on her head. Pink clearly has this, because she’s had a white cockatoo on the top of her dome for what feels like years and she really went hardcore by wearing a hair clip that looks parking lot spikes. Don’t back up! Miley clearly doesn’t have this, because (maybe it’s the lighting) but that Jedward mop is almost the exact shade of an old urinal cake and it makes her look a Top Chef reject (because you know, they only accept a certain number of blond mohawks every season).
Yes, Miley looks like if Mad Max took place on top of Honey Boo Boo’s dumpster boutique, but she can easily save this look. All she has to do is get a nose-to-ear chain and add a long fall of microbraids to the back of her heard. The world of glamour just hasn’t been the same since Jane Child disappeared and Miley’s hillbilly chipmunk ass can feel that void.
And since I have other highly important CNN-worthy news stories to get to today, I’m just going throw up a bunch of pictures from last night. Here those bitches are:
Taylor Swift looking like an American Girl doll as a pharmaceutical sales rep (Pro tip of the day: Do not watch Taylor’s high school musical theater performance. Watch Bye, Bye Birdie instead).
Emma Watson serving up some Scooby Snack realness. It’s like something you’d see on Project Runway if the designers had to make a dress out of old Scooby Doo Gang costumes.
Jessica Szohr looking like a miniaturized and deflated Big Ang.
Amber Roast and Wiz Khalifa told anybody with a mic that she’s knocked up. They said it on the red carpet and then he said it on stage. It was annoying when Beyonce did it last year and it was extra annoying when these two bitches did it last night. I guarantee you that if Amber and Wiz announced she’s pregnant in an empty Piggy Wiggly parking lot, they’d get the same reaction they got while announcing it to millions of people last night.
And here’s the rest: Zoe Saldana, Alicia Keys, Green Day, One Direction and Katy Perry.
There’s my girl Pink, looking like she just bit something off of Eminem that he’s going to miss. I like her. Girlfriend just expresses herself, with less than a fraction of a fuck to give about what anybody feels about it. She is the teeny bit girly girl meets tomboy break your ass in half extravaganza. HEARTS.
In the near future, she is doing a compilation with the equally adored by me (in an abrasive and scary as fuck way) Eminem on her upcoming The Truth About Love. I’m actually ingrigued to see what these two SUCK IT SOCIETY, I DO WHAT I WANT!! hoes come up with. They’ve worked together before, when Pink backed his ass up (mmmmmm hmmm!!) on Won’t Back Down on his Recovery LP in ’10.
According to Daily Mail, in one of the most eloquent interviews ever given to Australia’s Herald Sun, she says primly while stroking her pearls with an extended pinkie:
“He said, “Do you want to do a song with me?” “F*** yeah!”
I said, “Do you want to do a song with me?” and he said, “F*** yeah!”
‘Handshake. Nothing signed. Done.”
Okay, first of all can we all agree that there should be a lot more “FUCK YEAH” at work and a lot less “yes ma’am/sir, I would be SO happy to assist you”?? Wouldn’t it make the work day so much better? I could actually look forward to that shit then.
“You want this burger and fries bitch?”
“Fuck yeah! Do you want me to pay you?”
And second, fuck yeah.
Imagine hanging out with these two backstage at the concert. Shit would be busted all to hell, bitches would be dancing on the chairs, toilets would be destroyed, random objects would be burning….HOT!! I am so forwarding this to them in hopes of a back stage pass, even though I will probably jump a fence to get into the concert without paying because the door guy has already been blown. Twice. Don’t judge me.
And to celebrate Pink’s motherly side, here are a couple of pics of her with Carey and baby girl Willow looking like the perfect super tatted family while chilling in Malibu.