I completely forgot about that movie where Goopy Paltrow plays a sex addict and that’s because my brain really doesn’t want to think about that flaccid pencil dick in a blond wig as a sex addict. I was reminded about it, because it comes out this week and Goopy was on Chelsea Lately last night to promote it. Because Goopy’s movie is about sluts addicted to ass, Chelsea jokingly said that she’s a sex addict in real life. In a hotel room somewhere, Chris Martin lifted his head up off of his side trick’s crotch and let out the cackle of all cackles.
Chelsea also brought up Goopy’s upcoming 41st birthday and when she asked her what she was doing it for it, bitch said, “This year it’s Chick-Fil-A and that’s it.”
CHICK-FIL-A! She would.
I would’ve guessed that out of all the fast food places, Fishsticks would want to eat at Long John Silver’s, because she’d get off from eating herself. But seriously, I doubt Goopy taints her pristine temple of a body with any kind of processed shit. What she meant is that the only thing she’s going to eat for her birthday is the filet of an endangered bald eagle chick. That’s what she meant.
Here’s Goopy and Pink and Carey Hart at the premiere of Thank You For Sharing in Hollywood last night.
Remember back in the olden days of 2009 when Kanye West was still an asshole and Taylor Swift wasn’t totally pull-your-pubes-out-and-eat-them annoying? Well, Gawker took us back there today when they posted a secret tape of Kanye being Kanye after his “Imma let you finish” moment at the VMAs in 2009. The leaked tape was secretly recorded at the Corner Bistro in the West Village right after the VMAs. It’s not confirmed that it’s Kanye on the tape, but it sounds like Kanye and listening to it made my ears barf out gay fish jizz, so it must be Kanye!
In the tape, that’s under a minute long, Kanye says some shit about Taylor Swift, MTV, Pink and then says that his mother died for this fame shit. It’s a mess, it’s all over the place and it’s typical Kanye. Kanye starts off by talking about why he snatched the mic from Taylor of Green Gables:
“I’m pushing the envelope! I wrote my fuckin’ ‘Run This Town’ verse for a fuckin’ month! When I heard Eminem’s verse on the Drake shit, I went back and rewrote my shit for two days. I canceled appointments to rewrite! I fuckin’ care! You know what I’m saying? And that’s what I’m saying. Because I did that, Taylor Swift cannot win over Beyoncé! Because I wrote my verse in two days, Taylor Swift cannot beat Beyoncé. As long as I’m alive! And if I’m alive, kill me then! Kill me then! As long as I’m alive, you gon’ have to deal with it. ‘Cause there ain’t gonna be no more motherfucking Elvises with no James Browns.”
He canceled dentist appointments for that shit! Taylor Swift cannot win over Beyonce, because he has cavities now since he canceled appointments and dental cleanings and shit.
And then he went in on Pink in the most hilarious way:
“It ain’t no love. What the fuck was Pink performing? Don’t nobody know that song. Pink performed twice! Two songs? How the fuck Pink perform two songs and I didn’t even get asked to perform “Heartless.” “Heartless” is the biggest song of the year! It had the most spins of the first quarter! I don’t know that Pink song! But I noticed that she’s pink! “
That last line should be the official tagline of cocaine. I want to cackle while pounding my head against a hard surface.
During the recording, a woman asked him why he’s so angry and he said, “Because my mother got arrested for the fuckin’ sit-ins. My mother died for this fame shit! I moved to fuckin’ Hollywood chasing this shit. My mother died because of this shit. Fuck MTV.”
I don’t even know. The audio is at Gawker and it’s a crazy, manic, mess. If you inhale hard while listening to it, you’ll get second-hand coke high. This Kanye’s ego on coke and massive amounts of delusion.
As UsWeekly pointed out last night, Miley Cyrus showed up to the VMAs last night with Pink’s signature butch bitch mohawk on her head. Pink clearly has this, because she’s had a white cockatoo on the top of her dome for what feels like years and she really went hardcore by wearing a hair clip that looks parking lot spikes. Don’t back up! Miley clearly doesn’t have this, because (maybe it’s the lighting) but that Jedward mop is almost the exact shade of an old urinal cake and it makes her look a Top Chef reject (because you know, they only accept a certain number of blond mohawks every season).
Yes, Miley looks like if Mad Max took place on top of Honey Boo Boo’s dumpster boutique, but she can easily save this look. All she has to do is get a nose-to-ear chain and add a long fall of microbraids to the back of her heard. The world of glamour just hasn’t been the same since Jane Child disappeared and Miley’s hillbilly chipmunk ass can feel that void.
And since I have other highly important CNN-worthy news stories to get to today, I’m just going throw up a bunch of pictures from last night. Here those bitches are:
Taylor Swift looking like an American Girl doll as a pharmaceutical sales rep (Pro tip of the day: Do not watch Taylor’s high school musical theater performance. Watch Bye, Bye Birdie instead).
Emma Watson serving up some Scooby Snack realness. It’s like something you’d see on Project Runway if the designers had to make a dress out of old Scooby Doo Gang costumes.
Jessica Szohr looking like a miniaturized and deflated Big Ang.
Amber Roast and Wiz Khalifa told anybody with a mic that she’s knocked up. They said it on the red carpet and then he said it on stage. It was annoying when Beyonce did it last year and it was extra annoying when these two bitches did it last night. I guarantee you that if Amber and Wiz announced she’s pregnant in an empty Piggy Wiggly parking lot, they’d get the same reaction they got while announcing it to millions of people last night.
And here’s the rest: Zoe Saldana, Alicia Keys, Green Day, One Direction and Katy Perry.
There’s my girl Pink, looking like she just bit something off of Eminem that he’s going to miss. I like her. Girlfriend just expresses herself, with less than a fraction of a fuck to give about what anybody feels about it. She is the teeny bit girly girl meets tomboy break your ass in half extravaganza. HEARTS.
In the near future, she is doing a compilation with the equally adored by me (in an abrasive and scary as fuck way) Eminem on her upcoming The Truth About Love. I’m actually ingrigued to see what these two SUCK IT SOCIETY, I DO WHAT I WANT!! hoes come up with. They’ve worked together before, when Pink backed his ass up (mmmmmm hmmm!!) on Won’t Back Down on his Recovery LP in ’10.
According to Daily Mail, in one of the most eloquent interviews ever given to Australia’s Herald Sun, she says primly while stroking her pearls with an extended pinkie:
“He said, “Do you want to do a song with me?” “F*** yeah!”
I said, “Do you want to do a song with me?” and he said, “F*** yeah!”
‘Handshake. Nothing signed. Done.”
Okay, first of all can we all agree that there should be a lot more “FUCK YEAH” at work and a lot less “yes ma’am/sir, I would be SO happy to assist you”?? Wouldn’t it make the work day so much better? I could actually look forward to that shit then.
“You want this burger and fries bitch?”
“Fuck yeah! Do you want me to pay you?”
And second, fuck yeah.
Imagine hanging out with these two backstage at the concert. Shit would be busted all to hell, bitches would be dancing on the chairs, toilets would be destroyed, random objects would be burning….HOT!! I am so forwarding this to them in hopes of a back stage pass, even though I will probably jump a fence to get into the concert without paying because the door guy has already been blown. Twice. Don’t judge me.
And to celebrate Pink’s motherly side, here are a couple of pics of her with Carey and baby girl Willow looking like the perfect super tatted family while chilling in Malibu.
Earlier I said that Carey Hart licked his finger and burned Katy Perry on Twitter last night when he said that she copied one of his wife’s performances and his wife did it better. Well, forget I said that and while you’re at it forget that you twisted your nipples this morning to these hot pictures of the sexual napalm that is Tan Mom (I know you did). Carey Hart didn’t throw hate at Katy Perry for swinging around on a sex swing, but he did throw hate at Chris Brown’s Billboard Music Awards performance last night. Carey says that Chris Brown took one of his wife’s old performances, put it on one of the copiers at Kinko’s and re-labeled it as “Turn Up The Music.” Carey clarified his shit today on Twitter:
I love twitter! To clarify i was talkin trash bout CB performance, 2 years ago my wife had the same set and actually sang “Raise ur Glass”
Looks like someone else’s fans got a bit wound up! Funny, that performance looked real familiar to.
And last night, Pink got into the Difficult Brown bashing too by hating on Chris Brown for moving his mouth to a recorded track instead of singing live.
one day if i lipsync, i hope i do it as well as him….
for the record; i luv me some Katy, so y’all can jump off that run away train, k? i stand behind, always have and always will, LIVE SINGING
NOW EVERYBODY GO HUG SOMEONE! i just did. have a fantastic day
I’ve never had a problem with lip-synching (coming from a bitch who has watched every episode of Puttin’ on the Hits), but Chris Brown sucks at it. If Chris put as much effort into lip-synching as he puts into being a spoiled piece of throbbing shit, he’d be the Puttin’ on the Hits champion. But when Chris lip-synchs, it looks like a dog trying to drink water out of a garden hose. Just moving his mouth hoping to catch one of the lyrics. So I say, keep fucking that chicken, Pink and Carey!
In related news, John Legend’s fiancee Chrissy Teigen called Chris out on Twitter for lip-synching and Team Breezy attacked her hard. They said she needs to kill herself and said John Legend needs to leash his ho. It’s impossible to take Team Breezy seriously when their name sounds like the name of a pro-queef group. Actually, they kind of are a pro-queef group.
Pink and Carey Hart released this picture of them making a skin bjorn with their arms for their ten second-old daughter Willow, but she made it clear on her website that she only did so because the paparazzi kept stalking out in her anus and she wanted to kill the fire. The paparazzi do know that the year is 2011 and that Pink’s government name isn’t Angelina Jolie and that 99.9% of the public will be able to fall asleep at night if they don’t see a picture of her newborn baby’s face? If not, they should really get someone to update their files.
Pink started off her extra long rant by saying that she and Carey donated the money they made from selling the first picture of their baby to Ronald McDonald House and Autism Speaks. Then Pink wrote that she doesn’t understand how in the US, magazines and websites don’t blur out the faces of the young the same way they do in Europe and the UK. Pink thinks this is just ten scoops of shameful and she also think those who look at pictures of other people’s kids are the suppository that is helping to push the wrong shit out.
To anyone out there that buys a magazine, or goes onto a website to look at pictures of other people’s children, may you at least think for a second about what you may inadvertently be supporting. We are so appreciative that people are interested in seeing our daughter. We WANT to share our joys with you, but as parents (and new parents), we should be able to govern these decisions, shouldn’t we? And to be clear, I’m speaking directly to these “stolen” photographs–paparazzi photos.
So when you see our middle fingers up in all of our pictures, now you know the motivation. It’s all we can do to stop images of a newborn baby from being printed without our consent. Can you imagine a world where they would blur out our middle finger to protect a “consumer” over blurring out an innocent child to protect their integrity and privacy?
Thank you for letting me say my peace. Do I expect this letter to change the world? No. But if it plants a seed of awareness, if a politician or an activist or a legislator or a teacher or police officer is prompted to even think about it–let alone engage, I have done my part on behalf of my daughter. Not surprising that lesson one from me to my daughter is to let one’s voice be heard.
Pink has a point or two, but there are two sides to this. I never understand why the paps are willing to crack their ankles from chasing after a newborn celebrity baby, because they pretty much look the same. Just take a picture of a dried apricot with closed human eyelids on it, and I’d still say, “CUTE BABY, PINK!” It’s just a baby! And I also never understand how some paps climb trees to take pictures of half-naked celebrity kids hanging out in a backyard and they never think to themselves, “Hmmm. Do I realize that this will get me a poke from PedoBear on Facebook?”
But THEN AGAIN, there are famewhoring and clueless parents like Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie who will push Suri out in front of a camera even though she’s practically dying inside. And there’s someone like Johnny Depp who moved his family to the middle of nowhere in France so that he can have some privacy.
If I was Pink and wanted to stay living in L.A., I’d use a little logic. You know how US magazines never publish titties without a black box or blur puddle over them? Well, whenever I take my kid out I’d just throw a titty mask over her face. That way the magazines HAVE to blur her out. Every problem really is solved with chichis!
(Picture via People)
After being pregnant for what seemed like centuries, Pink’s chocha finally exhaled a baby girl in Los Angeles last night. Just picture Pink’s pregnant ass twirling above on a ribbon trapeze and birthing her newborn daughter into a water cannon below, which shot her baby straight into her arms as harlequin clowns on neon ladders threw confetti around them. That’s pretty much how things went down. Once Pink changed out of her skin tight birthing suit, she and Carey Hart shared the good news with their Twitter followers. Sadly, she didn’t name her baby after a whiskey brand like she said she would. Instead she named her baby after a Smith. LIAR.
“We are ecstatic to welcome our new beautiful healthy happy baby girl, Willow Sage Hart. She’s gorgeous, just like her daddy. #beyondblessed”
Willow Sage sounds like so many things to me. It sounds like the AOL screen name of a goth teen circa 1995 who thinks she’s impressing all her friends by announcing she’s a Wiccan now. It also sounds like the name of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer room spray sold exclusively at select Hot Topic stores. It also might be the name of a poultry rub I bought at Whole Foods a few weeks ago. I could go on and on and on, but I’ll just say that Willow was never my favorite Willow character and sage is definitely not my favorite spice. Pink should’ve gone with something like Queen Bavmorda Cumin. Now, that is a name.
Pink has had a gut full of baby for almost 9 months now, but it feels like there should be a toddler leg hanging out of her cooch and a 2-year-old’s hand waving out of her mouth. It really feels like somebody set her gestation period to “elephant,” but Pink made the best of it in Malibu yesterday with Carey Hart and their friends.
If you’re going to be the maximum amount of knocked up, you might as well look as fabulous as possible while doing so. This is pretty much what Tyne Daly looked like at her Fried Green Tomatoes audition. Pink is so damn happy that it looks like she’s screaming HEY-LOOOO in every single one of these pictures. And she gets extra points for wearing a white cotton titty curtain that reveals a 10-second nipple show whenever the wind blows it up.
Never mind that Pink is dressed like a cholita clown extra in a Cirque du Soleil production of Mi Vida Loca (they should really get on that), one of her true gifts is naming babies. Who knew? If Pink was in charge of naming every single baby, we’d have a bunch of toddlers with names usually found on White Oprah’s grocery list. This is a good thing. Pink still has about 6 more months of pregnancy to go, but she tells Access Hollywood that she and Carey Hart already have picked out the name Jameson if they have a boy.
“My dad’s name is James, and my brother’s name is Jason. [Carey and I] are both Irish, Carey’s middle name is Jason, [and] Jameson – we like whiskey. That’s a no brainer.”
Naming your child after booze? This is brilliant. It’s also a valid reason for having kids. Then I could have a little baby Ron Vicaro and a little baby Bombay Sapphire crawling around. Don’t worry, I’d pull a Pink and tell everyone my second cousin’s middle name is “Ron” and “Bombay” was the name of my mom’s childhood cat, or something like that.
A week after UsWeekly put a magnifying glass up to Pink’s womb and diagnosed her with the BABIES!!!!, she has confirmed to Ellen that her days are now filled with pregnancy farts and freaking out about whether she’s going to caca on the labor table. Alecia Moore and Carey Hart are contributing to the overflowing human race and having a baby. A baby who will probably grow up not knowing the hell a plastic bag is. Now that plastic bags are banned in L.A., what is my mother going to put over her head when she gives herself a hot oil treatment. L.A. needs to think of the thirsty follicles out there! But I digress…
Pink tells Ellen why she wasn’t shouting the news from the top of her Twitter, “I was just really nervous. I have had a miscarriage before, but if I was going to talk about it with anyone, it was going to be with you. I worked for it…It was not an ‘Oops.'” Pink says they aren’t too sure if their baby friend has a peen or poon, but she’s leaning towards the latter, “But the doctor kind of told me what she thinks. I’m terrified because she thinks it’s a girl! My mom has always wished me a daughter just like me,. I’m terrified one of us will go to jail.”
Usually a platinum pompadour only works on a bitch whose first name is “Wayne” and whose last name is “Cochran” but Pink is pulling that shit off in a “divorcee who works part-time as a perfume spray girl” kind of way.