A Rotten Vienna Sausage Returns To Its Homeland

Direct your prayers to the people of Vienna, Austria today, because a plastic clown-faced famewhore and her Satan’s Seal of Approval mother are terrorizing their city as we speak. It looks like Pimp Mama Kris needed a bit of extra plastic surgery cash, because she pimped out Kash Kow Kimmy for $500,000 to 81-year-old business tycoon Richard Lugner. Every year, Richard pays invites a high-profile whore escort prostitute guest to escort him to the Vienna Opera Ball. Past guests have included Parasite Hilton, Carmen Electra, Pamela Anderson, so you know he only chooses the classiest of skanks.

However, according to Radar, it took Richard about 0.02 seconds to realize he made a terrible investment. DUH! Everybody knows you never put your money on the piss-covered ho!

“Kim is annoying me,” Lugner told reporters. “Because she’s not sticking to the program.”

Only hours after her arrival, Lugner claimed, the reality star stood him up to go to a Schnitzel restaurant with her mom Jenner, and film scenes for her reality show.

“She’s filming and so she doesn’t want to have me around,” he said. The 81-year-old angrily insisted, “The guest should be with me and not anywhere else that is not agreed upon.”

And even when it comes to scheduled appearances, Kardashian has made it clear she won’t follow his schedule. Though Lugner had told press he would dance with her at 11:45 p.m. during the ball, Kardashian said in a press conference that she’d have mom Jenner take her place, explaining, “I’d rather watch the dancing.”

You’ll be watching, all right; watching that $500,000 cheque dance out of you bank account. What in the hell is wrong with Pimp Mama Kris?? Has she lost all control of her ho? Does Silky Johnson need to step in and teach a pimp how its done?

And I need to send somebody at Radar a deluxe muffin basket, because they are killing it with this story about Kim’s melted drowsy candle-face. Radar has pointed out that Kim’s face looks much more frozen than usual and thinks she hit up Botox-R-Us before leaving for Austria. Personally, I don’t think it’s Botox; homegirl looks she’s been injecting face with melted-down Beast Man action figures, because bitch is a hard shade of orange plastic:

Here’s more of Kim at a mall in Vienna watching negotiations between her pimp and a john. And by the way, Kim…you can put the microphone down now – you don’t need to keep reminding everyone how you became famous:

(Pics: Splash)

Pimp Mama Kris Outdoes Herself

Pimp Mama Kris will not only whore out a baby that didn’t come out of her vagina (or as she probably calls it, her “ho maker” ), but she’ll also whore out a baby that she’s not even related to. PMK’s talk show (which will soon be the #1 show in North Korea torture camps) debuted today and an hour before that whore turd of a show dropped into TVs on the East Coast, she shamelessly tried to get people to watch that mess by posting this “tease” on Facebook.

In case you couldn’t already tell from the fact that the baby isn’t swaddled in a black leather blanket and isn’t looking at the camera while mouthing the words “help me,” that isn’t North West. TMZ says that the baby who PMK tried to pass off as North West is her make-up person’s kid. The last time I saw this kind of tragic desperation I was going through the old hotmail account I used for Craigslist hook-ups and reading all the replies I sent.

Bitch is using somebody else’s baby to whore out her own grandbaby. Every pimp has once again taken off their crushed velvet hat and twirled it through the air while bowing down before PMK. That desperate, thirsty PMK is always coming up with creative ways to whore out her kin. And PMK’s demon claws sinking into that baby like she’s a bag of money was a nice touch.

Rejoice, Pimp Mama Kris Has A New Girl To Pimp Out

On last night’s episode of the Illuminati propaganda series Keeping up with the Kardashians, Kim Kartrashian gets an ultrasound to learn the sex of the Kimye fetus while Kanye West was on the other side of the world caring about more important things like which Rick Owens tunic he should wear with his Givenchy leather chaps.

While Pimp Mama Kris, Khlozilla and the slow one watched, the doctor screamed out, “It’s a boy! I see a peen! Oh wait, no, that’s just its devil horns. No really, it’s a boy! I really see a peen this time! Oh wait, no, it’s just flipping us off.” PMK asked the doctor if he saw a “pee pee” (Side note: Hearing PMK say the word “pee pee” is the reason why the floor below me is covered in barf.) and when he said he did not, Kim said, “It definitely would take after his father so you would see it.” And then Kim went on to say, “Not that I’ve ever seen it, but Riccardo Tisci told me it looks like a baby’s!”

After the doctor told Kim that she’s having a girl, she said some stuff about how girls are the best and Kanye wanted a girl. If you listen closely, you can hear the rattling of PMK’s crotch muscles as she tries her hardest to keep the geyser of liquid excitement from squirting out of her after hearing the news that she has a new generation of girls to whore out on the ho stroll.

So that’s that, Kim and Kanye are having a girl and if God is real, Krisonda Yeezus West Kardashian will be a butch lesbian anarchist who will rally against the one percent and rise up against superficiality by burning down Botox factories.

And here’s some pictures from Kim’s baby shower on Saturday. This mess looks less like a baby shower and more like a reunion of shitty E! reality hos. In order: PMK, a raggedy Muppet urchin, Tracy Anderson, Maria Menounos, Carole Bayer Sager (aka the only real beauty there), NeNe (wearing some crap that used to be the skirt around a circus elephant’s platform), Kelly Osbourne, Scary Spice, Kanye, Khlozilla, Kimbo Stewart and The Gastineau Ghouls.

Kim Kartrashian Screams At The Cameras That Feed Her

This is what happens when Pimp Mama Kris lets every photo agency know what time Kim Kartashian is landing, what airport she’s landing at and what airline and flight she’s on. After Kanye West ditched her ass in Paris, Kim and PMK flew back to LAX and were met by a mob of paparazzi who they totally called. You know PMK knows every single photo agency’s tip line by heart, but if you asked her for Rob Kartashian’s number, she’d probably look at you with “WHO?” written all over her plastic face.

As Kim waddled on through the tsunami of flashes, Pimp Mama Kris screamed shit like, “She can’t see,” while smiling her fame whore smile for all the cameras. Nothing tickles the heaves out of my throat like PMK cheesing it up for the cameras. At one point, one of the paps opens up the SUV door and Kim screams, “Shut the fucking door, idiots!” That probably confused the paps, because they’re thinking to themselves, “Well, you’re the one who called us!” That’s like the host of a dance party yelling at you and kicking you out for dancing.

Like this ho doesn’t know that her fame whore stock will plummet into the ground if the paps stop taking her picture. Kim is only acting like she’s mad at the paps, because if she acts like she’s mad at the paps, maybe Kanye will look at her face again. I bet that right after she screamed at that paps, she texted them with: JK LUV U C U SOON xoxo.

And here’s Kim putting her tortured swollen hooves through more pain while leaving a restaurant in L.A. last night.

Pimp Mama Kris And Bruce Jenner Are Faking Their Love For The Sake Of What’s Really Important

And no, by “what’s really important” I don’t mean their dumb kids. Who cares about them! Pimp Mama Kris and Bruce Jenner are pretending to be happily married for the sake of their checking accounts and relevancy. You know, things that REALLY matter.

There’s been a rumor going around that claims when Bruce Jenner is awaken in the morning to the sound of Pimp Mama Kris unchaining him from the bed, he wishes that he was completely free of her and could calmly sit without the sound of cackling whores stabbing him in the ears. Bruce Jenner already denied that his marriage was in trouble, but that’s probably because PMK told him he had to say that or she’d drug him, stuff his butt with silicone implants, throw a black wig on his head, legally change his name to “Kandee Kardashian” and whore him out on the stroll with her other girls. But a source tells Radar that the state of PMK and Bruce’s marriage matches the state of her soul: cold and dead. The source went on to say that they’re just faking it to keep their brand alive:

“Kris and Bruce are all but over. They have grown apart and their relationship is all about business these days rather than love or romance. They’ve built a brand together though, and that’s very profitable for both of them, not to mention the amount of valuable assets and business ventures they have together. There’s no way Kris is going to go through with a divorce right now, despite the problems they are having. She’s determined to keep up the façade of a happy marriage at all costs. Showbiz and her career come way before any chance of divorce.”

The better question is, what haven’t they faked for attention and money? They fake everything. But you’d think that faking a marriage is child’s play for Pimp Mama Kris. I mean, her daughter did that. Obviously, faking a marriage is so easy that a dumb dumb can do it. PMK is a world-renowned pimp, so you’d think she’d have bigger ideas. Doesn’t PMK know that if she fakes her death and moves far away from civilization never to be heard from again that she’d become even more famous and rich and legendary! (Shhh, nobody tell her that she wouldn’t become any of things.)

Kris Jenner Is A Shameless Whore, Water Is Wet

Get your overstuffed ass out to pasture OLD kash kow Kim, there’s a new boo in Kris Jenner‘s life. At least, Kris would love for there to be… a new Honey Boo Boo to be more specific. Just a couple of weeks ago Kris was turning her overly manicured nose up and shame, shame, shame on you-ing at Mama June for her child whoring ways and for being “classless”. I’ll wait a minute for the laughter to subside.

Now Kris wants to manage Honey Boo Boo. Mmmmhmmm.

So Hollywood Life has the scoop on Kris’s amazing turnaround, based solely on her love for children and not at all by the realization that she’s thisclose to being ousted by some 7 year old hillbilly beauty pageant princess. And if you can’t get richer by pimping your own kids any more, why not get richer by pimping your replacement?? You have to slow clap for Kris’s dedication to whoring and her complete lack of dignity and self respect. Bitch is on her game.

At this point, Kris is just extending the hand(cuff) and Mama June hasn’t talked to her about it. Please Universe, if this meeting ever does occur, let Mama June have one of her famous gas attacks, and let her burp and fart and laugh in Kris’s begging face with a mouthful of half chewed sketti as Honey Boo Boo snaps TWO Z’s!!!! And let the cameras capture every delicious second of it. AMEN.