Bringing about world peace with a can of carbonated sugar water must really overheat a trick.
Yesterday, Pepsi caused a firestorm that was bigger than the one on Michael Jackson’s head while shooting that commercial in the 80s. Pepsi butt burped up an extra thick shit balloon of a commercial that showed Kendull Jenner ditching a modeling shoot to join a protest where she bravely brings everyone together with a can of Pepsi. Ridiculous! Everyone knows that the only syguary drink that has the power to change the world was Orbitz, bitches!
Yesterday (in what I was hoping was the worse April Fool’s Day prank of life), it appeared that former lap dance associate Blac Chyna and sock magnate Rob Kardashian were trying to work through their differences after last month’s unnecessary drama. And, of course, by “work through their differences,” I mean get as much attention as possible to please their boss, Kris Jenner. Man, I tell you, Pimp Mama Kris be puttin’ in overtime with her pimping. She never misses an opportunity to have her employees shake and shimmy for the cameras. Continue reading
If they really wanted to go crazy with their levels of security, they’d post that picture of Pimp Mama Kris at their front door. PMK’s gaze in that picture can turn almost anything to stone!
When Kim Kardashian returned to the U.S. after getting robbed at gunpoint in Paris, she had an army of security guards following her. Pimp Mama Kris tells UsWeekly that they’ve upped their security even more, and I guess that means that Kendall Jenner is keeping her opulent jewels in a place that’s more secure than a jewelry box, like in a pair of Rob Kartrashian-designed socks or under a pile of Tyga CDs. You know, places where no one wants to go.
E! has been showing a zillion previews and milking every last drop from future episodes of Keeping Up the Kartrashians where Kim Kartrashian tells the tale of getting robbed at gunpoint in Paris as The Slow One sits there blank-faced dreaming about salad and Khlozilla also sits there blank-faced dreaming about the wild boar she’s going to catch in the woods later that night. Well, it’s Kendall Jenner’s turn to sit in front of the cameras and tell the tale of getting robbed, because someone reportedly snatched $200,000 in jewels from her house last night. Only this is probably not a Bling Ring 2.0 type of thing and it doesn’t look like thieves broke into her house like they did to Alanis Morrissette. It looks like someone who was partying at Kendall’s house last night did it. DUN DUN DUN (not really).
I know what you’re thinking. “When the hell did Cher and Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man drag have kids?!!!” Believe me I said the same thing, but that is not them. 2016’s winner for Most Miserable Khristmas Kard is brought to you by none other than Kim Kardashian-West and her beloved Frank Ocean impersonator hubby Kanye West. I believe if Charles Dickens were still alive, first off, he’d be old as fuck. But secondly, I believe that he would have based his ghosts from A Christmas Carol off of the Kardashians, with Caitlyn Jenner as the ghost of Christmas Past, Kris Jenner as the ghost of Christmas Present (because her children are the world’s favorite stocking stuffers) and all the little Kid-Dashians as the ghosts of Christmas Future, which is a scary thought. And also in his updated tale, Kim is Tiny Tim to Kanye’s evil Scrooge.
I know, whoever misspelled #DevilBall2016 as #AngelBall2016 is going to get it.
Kanye West is reportedly still at UCLA Medical Center where he’s under observation after he allegedly cracked for real and ended up being shuffled off by paramedics while handcuffed to a gurney. Kanye was apparently at the gym working out with his trainer and his personal doctor, Dr. Michael Farzam, went there to check on the case of the tireds he’s been suffering from. TMZ says that Dr. Farzam told authorities that his patient (he used the alias “Jim Jones” for Kanye) had temporary psychosis caused by sleep deprivation and dehydration and needed help. Dr. Farzam also claimed that Kanye tried to attack a gym employee.
Dr. Farzam said that he put Kanye on a 5150 hold, but it’s not known if he actually did. Paramedics handcuffed Kanye to a gurney because that’s regular procedure when someone is 5150’d. TMZ is saying that Kanye is under a “psychiatric evaluation,” but People is saying that he’s in the hospital for “sleep deprivation” and is fine. And some of us are shouting that he’s being treated for the Kardashian Kurse and needs a priest to bust an exorcism on his ass.