Barbra Streisand popped her Instagram cherry the other day by posting this casual picture of her being casual in her casual backyard with her casual dog Samantha. I don’t even think Barbra knows that the camera is there! It’s that candid. That isn’t backlighting. That’s God smiling behind her.
Barbra is so generous to share this intimate moment with her fans. When 72-year-old Barbra isn’t raising the worldwide cholesterol levels with her buttery voice, she spontaneously lounges on a lounge chair right after workers from Madame Tussauds slather gallons of wax all over her mug, a mortician sprays her down with thermogenic makeup, three stylists dress her up like a powerful pilgrim business woman, Ken Paves tends to her bitch’s hair and a choreographer arranges her in the perfect pose. And while Barbra casually lounges, team of graphic artists stretch their fingers on the sidelines as they prepare themselves for all the retouch work they’re about to do. So casual, so “laissez-faire” as Samantha would say if she could speak human words out loud, because that fancy bitch definitely speaks French.
Or maybe that’s not Barbra Streisand at all…. Maybe Barbra’s Instagram team got confused and accidentally posted a still of Jennifer Aniston as Reverend Henry Kane in a reboot of Poltergeist 2. It’s hard to tell. Whatever the case may be, I hope this is the only picture that Barbra Instagrams, because nothing can top it.
And in other Barbra news, The National Enquirer says that Barbra’s marriage to James Brolin is “on the rocks” after she caught him eye-fucking the whore of all whores at some party. Radar put it like this:
Barbra Streisand is furious with husband James Brolin for keeping up with Kim Kardashian. RadarOnline.com has learned that Babs accused her man of ogling the reality star during a recent event — and it’s causing a marriage crisis!
According to the new issue of The National ENQUIRER, Streisand “hit the roof” when she found out that Brolin leered at none other than “boob-licious” Kardashian at an A-list party.
James Brolin wasn’t “ogling.” James was staring, because he couldn’t take his eyes off of that slow-moving train wreck while telling himself that he’s so lucky to be married to an all-natural blossom like Barbra.
Here’s a few pictures of Barbra leaving a Memorial Day party in May. You know, I’m pretty sure that the stunning Instagram picture above is Barbra in her natural state and these pictures below were highly Photoshopped. Barbra obviously asked the photo agency to Photoshop her until she looked human so the public wouldn’t be threatened by her alien-like beauty.
The last time Xtina had a baby growing in her body, she took off all her maternity panties, got her minions to roll her in a kiddie pool full of Tang and posed bump ass naked in a cover photo shoot for Marie Claire that Photoshop is still recovering from. Since Xtina is currently carrying Matt Rutler’s future blank check, she has once again taken off all her clothes while Photoshop shakes with fear over all the work that’s about to come. Because what is the point of being a knocked up famous ho if you’re not going to show off your knocked up naked body in a magazine? If you’re a knocked up famous ho and you don’t pose naked for public eyes, are you really pregnant?
Xtina tells V Magazine that before she births out the adorable ATM that will make sparkly dollar signs shine in Matt Rutler’s eyes, she wanted one of her favorite photographers Brian Bowen Smith to capture her pregnant body and she also felt like too much time has passed since she’s made Photoshop scream for mercy. In the above shot, Xtina’s trying to look like she’s gracefully covering her salad plate nipple while she airs out her armpit and bathes her body in
light bulb rays sunlight, but she’s obviously making veins in her butt lips burst by holding in a pregnant fart hard and she’s thinking about how a bitch needs to give her a chair, because she doesn’t know how much more her swole ankles can take. In another shot, Xtina’s trying to look like she’s gracefully lying on her back as her ass crack-flashing piece delicately kisses her upside/down, but it looks like her throat is throbbing from holding in an acid reflux burp. So artistic. So beautiful. So special.
Xtina said this to V about being pregnant:
“As a woman, I’m proud to embrace my body through all stages of life, staying fearless and confident in surrendering to the unknowns the future has in store.”
Translation: “I’m proud to embrace my body, but only if it’s Photoshopped to the next dimension and back. I’m also happy to give Photoshop some work. Adobe can’t put all their eggs in Mimi’s basket.”
And here’s a few more of Xtina’s pregnant naked body. Warning: PREGNANT NIPPLES AHEAD!
Pimp Mama Kris Instagramm’d this nasty ass picture of her and her 3 whores today and besides the obvious comment of, “Where is a swarm of piranhas when you really need one?”, I have 4 comments about this mess:
2. E! calls this picture “a sexy family photo” (double heave) and thinks all these pieces of trash are topless. I’m pretty sure they’re wearing black swimsuits, but I’m sure that sometime next week PMK will tweet a picture of her and her hos topless, bottomless and spreading it for retweets.
3. I know Kim’s face looks Photoshopped in real-life, but her face really looks like it was copy+pasted there.
4. Speaking of copy+pasting, there’s a really easy way to make that picture a million times less heave-worthy. Just cover the faces of all those gutter tramps with Bruce Jenner’s pucker-inducing beautiful face.
Seen above with her face Photoshopped into “Harpo, who dis woman…or slightly effeminate young Dutch boy?” territory, Katherine Heigl is keeping the meaning of “delusional as fuck” alive in August’s issue of Marie Claire UK (via The Daily Mail). The crusted-over phlegm ball that Hollywood coughed up a while ago doesn’t think her career plunged into the sewer, because working with her is like trying to have butt sex with a flaccid peen that refuses to get hard. It’s frustrating, it’s annoying, it’s sometimes painful and it’s really not worth all the trouble. But in Katherine’s head, where delusion eats all truths, she thinks that she’s the one who pressed the pause button on her career and she decided to take time off, because she didn’t feel creatively challenged anymore. “Creatively challenged” is a really creative way of saying “Hollywood would rather tongue kiss a shark than work with my monster of a mother and me.” The only challenge Heigl has is not trying to be a complete and utter mega bitch.
The discount Goopy dribbled out some dumb shit about how her career was her “best friend” and she felt betrayed by it when it went out the exit door.
“The thing that was my best friend for a long time suddenly turned on me. And I didn’t expect it. I was taken by surprise and angry at it for betraying me.”a
“Eh, no, I’m pretty sure I’m the one that betrayed you” said Heigl’s sore-covered, throbbing, oozing ego.
After the entire cast and crew of Grey’s Anatomy popped champagne and joyously fapped together over the bitch of the set being gone, she did rom-com after rom-com and tells Marie Claire that maybe she should’ve said “no” more.
“I had an amazing time. I love romantic comedies. But maybe I hit it a little too hard. I couldn’t say no. I stopped challenging myself. It became a bit by rote and, as a creative person, that can wear you down. That was part of why I took that time off, to ask myself, ‘What do I want? What am I looking for?’ and shut down all the noise.’
Oh yeah, I had a moment where, I don’t know, I was thinking I’d maybe open a knitting store, get my money out of retirement accounts and live off that, live off the land. I had my moment where it all seemed so complicated and all I wanted to do was simplify.’”
Heigl is back now with that Scandal knock-off show for NBC and she says that she’s so happy to get back into the writer’s room, because she’s not only a creative genius, she’s also a TV writing genius.
“There’s a part of me that’s a Hollywood animal as well. I can’t wait to get into the writer’s room and see how we do this. I feel like I’m finally rolling into the next phase of my adulthood.”
“I wish the next phase of her adulthood was at the bottom of a volcano” said the writers who have to deal with her when she comes into the writer’s room to share her ~ideas~.
No, we should all be glad that Katherine Heigl is done with those stupid rom-coms she made millions doing and is finally doing projects that challenge her, like the artistically challenging ZzzQuil commercial she did (yes, I’m posting this again):
That comment was not served in a sarcasm gel cap, because that ZzzQuil commercial is one of the most artistic things she’s ever done and it’s also the most challenging. I mean, words don’t come out of her asshole mouth for a whole 16 seconds. That has to be a first.
Max Factor sees Goopy Paltrow as Brigitte Bardot. I see Jennifer Lawrence as Taylor Momsen in an ad for Monistat.
For their 100 Years of Glamour campaign, Max Factor took the most unglamorous piece of freeze dried organic jicama and did her up as icons throughout the decades. For the 80s, they did her up as her former partner in macrobiotics turned frenemy Madge and bitch looks less like Madge and more like my first grade friend Armando who wanted to be Cyndi Lauper for Halloween, but his mom got confused and bought him stuff for a Madonna costume instead. (Yeah, he dressed up as Madonna for Halloween in the first grade. He was the original Princess Boy and a drag vanguard.) For the 70s, they did her up as Farrah Fawcett, because they wanted to prove that even when you give her hair wings and cover her in gold sparkles, she’s still about as exciting as a soft 2 inch dick floating in a Styrofoam bowl full of tap water. For the 50s, they did her up as Audrey Hepburn, because Audrey hasn’t been tortured enough and it’s never going to stop until every government declares her image a historical site so everyone can stop fucking with it. And for the 60s, they did her up as Brigitte Bardot and I don’t see a drop of Brigitte Bardot. I just see Goopy meditating in her $5,000 cashmere and bunny pubes sweater after spending 8 hours getting several dolphin amniotic fluid enemas in a sauna. That isn’t make-up on her eyelids. That’s black swan poo and clay. It sucks out the toxins your eyes ingest when you look at a McDonald’s for too long.
I can deal with Goopy being a pretentious organic cunt waffle who spits at peasants, but I cannot deal with her committing the greatest sin of all: lazy drag.
via The Daily Mail
Kanye West And Kim Kartrashian Spent 4 Days Photoshopping This Picture From Their Pre-Divorce Ceremony
We all know that Annie Leibovitz is just a little, old humble photographer who only shoots regular people like Mick Jagger, John Lennon, Meryl Streep, St. Angie Jolie, Demi Moore and Nicole Kidman. Annie Leibovitz never shoots famous hos and by that I mean she ONLY shoots famous hos and she’s made millions upon millions of dollars shooting celebrities. If you ain’t famous, bitch is not pulling out her camera for you. That is why I am bowing at Annie’s feet for the hilarious and bullshit excuse she gave Kanye West for why she pulled out of shooting his wedding 4 days before the ceremony. Annie told Kanye that she was “scared of the idea of celebrity.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Priceless! That’s like Terry Richardson saying that he doesn’t want to shoot Bryan Singer, because he’s not comfortable shooting a predator who preys on youngins. I think what Annie Leibovitz meant to say is, “If I wanted to shoot trash for a check, I’d book an ad campaign with Waste Management.”
During a panel at Cannes Lions (whatever that is) today, Kanye Kardashian said that even though Annie didn’t want to shoot the union between Lucifer’s minion and the Illuminati joker, he still wanted that Annie Leibovitz look. So before they released that picture of them kissing in front of the Gates of Hell, they spent 4 hours Photoshopping it. via The Daily Mail:
“I’ll tell you a little story about the kiss photo that my girl put up. This was pissing my girl off during the honeymoon. She was exhausted because we worked on the photo so much because Annie Leibovitz pulled out right before the wedding. I think that she was, like, scared of the idea of celebrity.
Because Annie pulled out, I was like, ‘Okay, I still want my wedding photos to look like Annie Leibovitz,’ and we sat there and worked on that photo for, like, four days because the flowers were off-color. Can you imagine telling someone who wants to just Instagram a photo, who’s the No. 1 person on Instagram, ‘We need to work on the color of the flower wall,’ or the idea that it’s a Givenchy dress, and it’s not about the name Givenchy, it’s about the talent that is Riccardo Tisci — and how important Kim is to the Internet. And the fact the No. 1 most-liked photo [on Instagram] has a kind of aesthetic was a win for what the mission is, which is raising the palette.”
So during the first four days of their honeymoon, Kanye ranted at his graphic artist about the color of the flowers while Kim blankly stared at the mirror and Riccardo Tisci cooed from the bedroom, “Hurry, boo, I want to cuddle.” That makes sense. During those 4 days of Photoshopping that shit, I wonder how many times Kanye asked his graphic artist to paste his head over Kim’s face, just to see. For aesthetics! And 4 days of Photoshop work and that wall still looks like moldy cauliflower covered in dead maggots, foam from a rabid dog’s mouth and giant dried jizz balls. He should’ve spent more time Photoshopping some life into that kiss. Spending 4 days of your honeymoon getting a wedding picture Instagram-ready says all that needs to be said.
And here’s THE INTERNET looking demure and modest as always while trying to figure out how a stroller works in NYC yesterday.
If you showed me that picture and didn’t tell me who it’s supposed to be, I’d guess it was either:
1. Jessie J wearing a Keira Knightley mask.
2. Keira Knightley wearing a wig-to-toe Jessie J skin suit.
3. My first gay friend Armando in drag as a dominatrix version of Mrs. White from Clue.
I would never guess Sinead O’Connor, but that’s who it’s supposed to be. I guess part of the symptoms of struggling through the difficult brown is that your face may contort into the face of Keira Knightley.
Yesterday, Sinead released the first promo picture from her next album and I knew Photoshop was capable of some serious wizardry, but this is a whole new kind of wizardry. Mimi, please step up your Photoshop game, because a new challenger has entered in her Adobe serial number and has arrived. Miley Cyrus’ Captain Save-A-Ho has named her new album “I’m Not Bossy, I Am The Boss” (Tina Fey just said “FUCK” after finding out she’ll have to find another title for the sequel to Bossypants) and she explains that her album’s title was inspired by the Ban Bossy campaign.
Originally I had a different title, The Vishnu Room, but a few months back when I saw the phrase ‘I’m not bossy, I’m the boss’ and became aware of the Ban Bossy campaign, I wished I could re-name the album, since indeed it can be tricky being a female boss and I think Sheryl’s campaign is a terribly important one.
At the stage I became aware of the Ban Bossy campaign it was too late to change the album title because the sleeve was already in print. But last week when the record company received the promo shots, which included the cover shot you now see, they asked could they change the planned cover to the current one, and that allowed me the opportunity of changing the title.
If Sinead is using that picture as the cover, the title of her album should be “PAGING ERIN MORIARTY,” because that picture is a 48 Hours Mystery.
It also appears they’ve also done some not-right shit around her chest area; I know she said she wanted to draw more attention to her ass, but I don’t think Photoshopping a picture of her ass onto her tits is what she had in mind. Harper’s Bazaar posted this photo of cheesecake-in-a-bikini Kate Upton to their website to accompany an interview with her trainer (“Let’s start with bouncing, followed by some light jiggling”) and along with Photoshopping her legs, arms, gut, thighs, chin, skin, collarbones, fingernails, and earlobes to hell and back, they also went for one of her armpits. I’m not sure what Harper’s Bazaar has against Kate Upton’s right armpit to delete it entirely from the picture, but here are my guesses:
1. Kate showed up to the Harper’s Bazaar shoot with this tattoo (NSFW if your boss isn’t cool with refined gentlemen)
2. In an attempt to steal some attention away from Kate’s giant chichis, her right armpit grew a massive voluptuous cyst
3. Kate’s right armpit was too beautiful and it kept stealing focus from her face
4. It kept flipping the photographer off (it’s going through a phase right now)
Or maybe they didn’t actually Photoshop it out because it was never there? Maybe it never showed up to set. I heard a rumor that the last shoot Kate was on, her right armpit arrived 45 minutes late, reeking of booze. Then it disappeared for 2 hours and returned jittery and agitated and tried to take a swing at one of Kate’s boobs. Then at lunchtime, 2 swimsuits and a wallet went missing. Her armpit is basically the Lindsay Lohan of the modelling world.
Pic: Harper’s Bazaar
In response to the gauntlet thrown down by the deviantART painting of a sexy alien stripper released by Mariah Carey last week, the original JLo Kardashian Jennifer Lopez has released her own work of visual fiction by revealing the cover art for her upcoming album A.K.A. on Twitter Monday morning. I’m really glad the graphic designer put JLo’s name in giant gold letters on the upper left-hand corner so we’d know right away who we were looking at, because if they hadn’t, I think a lot of people would have mistook this for a promo shot for a future Snatch Game episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. That’s not to say that JLo looks like a drag queen here; she looks like a drag queen pretending to be JLo (big difference). And yes, that drag queen’s name is Discreet O’ Burrito (she’s half-Irish).
I’d say I’d like to see what the before picture of JLo looked like, but I honestly don’t believe this is the result of Photoshopping to death one picture. Everything sort of looks like a compilation, like they couldn’t get JLo in the studio for a photo shoot, so she gave them the go-ahead to Frankenstein together an exquisite corpse and bury the result under 20 heavy layers of Photoshop filters; the result of which makes Jennifer Lopez look about as natural and realistic as South Park’s Jennifer Lopez. And speaking of layers and filters, it looks like I should update my version to include the tool that replaces human eyes with evil-looking snake marbles.
In case you need your memory jogged as to what JLo actually looks like, here’s the non-plastic (errrr) human version of Jennifer Lopez hanging around a recording studio in Los Angeles on Friday:
CORRECTION: That headline is dead wrong, because that technological wonder of an album cover is beyond Photoshop’s capabilities. That headline should read: Me. I am CGI’d. That’s better and much more factually correct.
The horny butterfly announced her 14th album last night and everything about it is ridiculous and one hundred percent Mimi from the fairy tale version of herself on that velvet painting cover to the title to the video explaining the title. It can only come from the Mr. Sketch-huffing 12-year-old trapped inside of Mimi. That cover must be what Mimi sees when she looks in the mirror, which makes sense since every mirror in her house is a Fun House mirror that stretches her legs into another dimension and makes her feets look bigger than Wonky McValtrex’s hooves. Mimi should really trademark that “sucking in and smelling my pits” pose since it’s her signature. The title is equally as ridiculous. The title is:
Me. I Am…. The Elusive Chanteuse
THE ELUSIVE CHANTEUSE!!!
What in Word For A Day calendar ridiculousness is that?! That sounds like the sub-title for the least popular Nancy Drew mystery. It sounds like the name of a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen straight-to-video detective movie from 1994. The Elusive Chanteuse is Carmen Sandiego’s arch rival. The words “elusive” and “chanteuse” (or “SHAWN-TOOS” as Mimi pronounces it) should never be used to describe her. The “elusive clothes wearer,” yes. The “batshit insane chanteuse,” definitely. But not the elusive chanteuse.
In a video explaining that title, Mimi says that people have been calling her that lately and by people she means the minions who were told by her to refer to her as the “elusive chanteuse” from now on. Mimi also says in the video that the she got the “Me. I Am” part from a self-portrait she drew of herself when she was 3. You know she totally drew that last week. The pack of Reds was a nice touch.
That self-portrait looks more like Mimi than that album cover does.
With all that being said, I love the title and the album cover. Only Mimi.