Oh, Anna Wintour, that frozen-hearted demonic genius!
Taylor Swift is one of the co-chairs of this year’s MET(h) Gala along with Anna Wintour, so I figured that Vogue’s lips were currently attached to her heart-shaped asshole. But I figured wrong, because this morning Anna Wintour released the newest cover of Vogue with Tay Tay on the cover and this mess screams: I. Hate. This. Trick. If Anna Wintour liked Taylor, she wouldn’t have her on the cover looking like the old straw broom my abuelita used to sweep the carpet with. I know that Anna Wintour is completely dead inside and doesn’t have the ability to process human emotions, but I still love her for this.
Over the weekend, Posh Beckham posted a few pictures from her Vogue China shoot on Instagram, and the one above of her posing like a goth stork trying to pussy burp up a stubborn queef has gotten the most attention. Posh’s Instagram followers looked at that picture and figured that either a shark mistook her for an eel in trauma and bit a piece of her thigh off, or Vogue China hired the same Photoshop artistes who chopped off Demi Moore’s hip for W Magazine. Here’s a closer look at Posh’s puzzle-piece-looking thigh:
WWKWS?! (What would Kerry Washington say?!)
Posh hasn’t said anything about this yet, but as Cosmopolitan points out, Vogue China probably didn’t take a digital machete to her thigh. When you were staring at her chopped-up thigh, you were really staring at her panties-covered poon area:
Take a minute to study Victoria’s crotch properly (you’re welcome) and you’ll notice that the crisp lines and white space between her legs is actually because she’s wearing white underwear. It’s probably just panties, and that’s for the best because if she weren’t wearing any, well, then this would be a whole other photo.
That said, there’s still the issue of why her right calf and knee seem to bleed so seamlessly into the grayscale background at hand…
Mystery solved! But I still have another question that hasn’t been answered: Why the fuck is she posing like the girl from The Ring after getting possessed by the dark spirit of a constipated flamingo?
Back in 2014, Paper Magazine tried to break the Internet with Kim Kartrashian’s greased-up plastic luau pig ass. And now, Paper Magazine is trying to break our spirits with a picture of Kylie Jenner looking like a LazyTown blow-up doll that was possessed by all the demons and now trolls the land looking to fill her triple-stuffed clown lips with the souls of her victims. Looking at this cover may be the most terrifying thing that has happened to me today and that’s saying a lot since this morning I woke up to find that I only had enough coffee for two cups. But fuck coffee. I need to switch to freebasing Drano after getting hit with Kylie looking like an anime frog whose head is getting attacked by a mutant cotton candy monster. That cover is very “Princess Lolly after Candy Land’s nuclear power plant explodes.”
This is supposed to be Paper’s “YOUth” issue, so I’m wondering why they chose a picture that makes Kylie look like she’s had all of the youth syphoned out of her. It’s terrifying and I’m sure Pimp Mama Kris handpicked this picture herself. PMK’s evil knows no bounds. But with that being said, Kylie Jenner has never looked more alive!
Emma Watson’s Rep Responds To That Old “Skin Whitening” Ad For Lancome After The Internet Dragged On Her
This old ad from 2013 of Emma Watson’s face next to some Lancome “skin whitening” cream called “Blanc Expert” was pulled out of the archives recently and caused some people to tell Hermione Granger that she should use an even stronger skin whitening cream to bleach the words “FAKE FEMINIST” into her forehead. Honestly, I don’t know how anybody knew that was Emma Watson in the first place, because there’s so much Photoshop happening there that she looks more like a factory-defected humanoid than herself.
When I saw this story earlier in the week, I sort of shrugged since I figured it was a dark spot corrector cream. You know, sort of like the kind I use on my asshole to get out the blemishes, even the skin tone, brighten it up and make it sparkle, Neely, sparkle. (“Even an industrial buffer couldn’t make that worn out thing sparkle” – my free clinic doctor) But the ad, which was only used in Asia, still caused outraaaaaaage and controversy. So Emma’s rep released a statement saying that she no longer has a contract with Lancome and when she did, she had no control over how her face was used in ads. Her rep’s statement via People
“Many artists often have limited control of how their image is used once an endorsement contract is signed. I cannot comment on my client’s previous contractual arrangements with Lancome. However my client no longer participates in advertising beauty products, which do not always reflect the diverse beauty of all women.”
Lancome also released their own statement about the product. (Side note: For years, my cousin pronounced Lancome as “lan cum,” which always sounded like lamb cum to me. I don’t talk to her anymore.)
“Blanc Expert was created by Lancôme 20 years ago. It helps brighten, even skin tone, and provides a healthy looking complexion. This kind of product, proposed by every brand, is an essential part of Asian women’s beauty routines.”
So what I’m getting from this is that Emma Watson probably never used the product and Lamb Cum just Photoshopped a picture of her into another dimension before slapping it on that ad. If that’s the route Lancome went, they should’ve went all the way by using this picture of Lucille Bluth:
Now that is how it’s done!
Who is that on the cover of V Magazine?
1. Is it Jessica Simpson after being ran through Photoshop twice and covered with Instagram filters?
2. Is it Tatianna from RuPaul’s Drag Race in Britney Spears drag after being ran through Photoshop twice and covered with Instagram filters?
3. Is it Britney Spears circa 2003?
The answer is: None of the above. It’s Britney circa today, bitch. More like, it’s, Photoshop, bitch.
Doctor Strange is still shooting and it won’t be done until March, but I guess Marvel couldn’t wait to make the clits of the Cumberbitches bust into a seizure, because they let Benedict Cumberbatch pose in full Sorcerer Supreme drag for an Entertainment Weekly cover shoot.
To me, it just looks like a Photoshopped B. Cums in cosplay at the ren faire, but that doesn’t matter. Entertainment Weekly is still going to sell a zillion copies of this shit, because the Cumberbitches are going to do all sorts of things with this issue. They’re going to cover their walls and ceilings with it. They’re going to make paper panties out of it. And they’re going to roll it up, laminate it and use it gently as a dildo. I mean, it’s a special double issue, so it’s already got the girth.
B. Cums told Entertainment Weekly that he hasn’t figured out all of Doctor Strange’s spell-casting moves yet, so he used the photo shoot to help him with that.
“I’m still in the infancy of learning all that. It was like, okay, I’ve got to keep throwing these poses, these spells, these rune-casting things, everything he does physically. I’m thinking, there’s going to be a huge amount of speculation and intrigue over the positioning of that finger as opposed to it being there, or there. And I’m still working on that. We haven’t played any of those scenes yet. I felt really self-conscious. But, then, by the end, it was great. It’s like anything, you just have to experiment.”
“…the positioning of that finger…” That sound that sounded like a thousand THUDS was just from the Cumberbitches falling out of themselves.
On another note, why in all of the fucks did the exclusive first look at Ryan Reynolds’ pecs & abs not make the cover?!
And here’s more of B. Cums working that high collar and Dep gel-covered 80s bangs as Doctor Strange, as well as pictures of him with Sophie Hunter at the Star Wars premiere a couple of weeks ago.
Bobbi Kristina Brown’s estate is suing her fake brother/boyfriend/whatever Nick Gordon for $40 million for allegedly assaulting her and causing her all kinds of emotional distress. Nick is also being investigated by the police who think that he may have had something to do with her death. With all that going on, it was a wonderful idea for Nick Gordon to open up a half-broken, bootleg copy of MS Paint and throw together that shitty Christmas card.
People says that on Tuesday, Nick Gordon tweeted (his account is now private) a Photoshopped picture of him and Bobbi Kristina in Santa hats. The picture of Nick and Bobbi Kristina is from a Whitney Houston tribute event in 2012.
There are many things that make me say “HELL TO THE NO” about that card, but one of the worst things about it is the crappy ass Photoshop job. That’s the most offensive part. If you’re going to make a creepy Christmas card featuring the dead girlfriend whose family is suing you, you should at least use some of the money you mooched off of her to hire a skilled graphic designer to do it. Have some dignity!
You may want to ask a trustworthy loved one to stand on the opposite side of the room with a catcher’s mitt, because this piece of information is probably going to blow your mind and I don’t want it splattering all over the wall. Prince Hot Ginge and Pippa Middleton weren’t really photographed on a beach together. That was Photoshopped. You know, I don’t even know if it’s Photoshopped. It looks like they cut out a picture of him, cut out a picture of her, glued both to a background and took a picture of that. That is some master decoupage work.
The story about PHG and THE BUTT OF BRITAIN being secret lovers is about as real and believable as that cover. A source says that their parts have tingled for each other for years and they even fucked in the bathroom at Duchess Kate and Prince William’s wedding. But then they started dating other people and now that they’re both single, they started doing each other again.
I don’t know who is buying these celebrity perfumes, let alone Jennifer Aniston’s bottles of stank. (Yes, that’s coming from a bitch who has several bottles of “Phoebe’s Phantasy” in his bathroom cabinet. But Phoebe Price isn’t just a celebrity. She’s a goddess on earth!) But apparently, people are buying the perfumed shit that Jennifer Aniston is selling, because she is following up her other two fragrances, “J’Alone” and “J by Jennifer Aniston,” with a new perfume called “Near Dusk.” I’m really disappointed in Jennifer Aniston for not naming this one “Uncool Water.” Still, though, get that money, Aniston. Justin Theroux’s skinny jeans and black polish hair dye aren’t cheap and her Aveeno, Smart Water and Living Proof money only goes so far.
Jennifer tells People that “Near Dusk” is a nighttime perfume. Jennifer used to spend her nights crying into a bowl of uncooked cake mix while clutching a teddy bear, so I was hoping that “Near Dusk” smells like a mixture of mascara tears, stuffed animal fur, dog drool and a hint of Duncan Hines batter. But no, it doesn’t smell like that, unfortunately.
“I’ve been wanting to do more of a nighttime fragrance, something a little sexier,” the star tells PEOPLE. “The others are a little lighter and more daytimey.” All three are beach-inspired, but Near Dusk takes a more sultry tone with notes of nectarine, sweet pink pepper, coconut water and jasmine. As Aniston puts it: It’s great for “date night.”
Jennifer also tells People that she’ll never do a men’s cologne (uh huh), because she loves it when dudes smell like sweat. Jennifer was married to Brad Pitt, so it’s no surprise that she grew to like the scent of warm armpit foam and nutsack syrup. As for that ad…
Never mind that they Photoshopped her to look like a rubber cat in a wig, I’m trying to figure out what they’re going for. It sort of looks like she’s getting an enema and not sure if she’s into it or not. She also looks like she just woke up on a Mexican beach after a day of drunken skinny dipping with Chelsea Handler. After waking up, she notices an almost-empty tequila bottle they left on the beach. Jennifer is crawling toward it and trying to get the last drop before Chelsea wakes up and goes for it. It has a slight “my preeeeeeeeeecious” vibe about it, but instead of reaching for the One Ring, she’s crawling toward tequila. Since I put it that way, the ad works!
Earlier today, Janet Jackson reminded everyone about that new album and world tour she teased back in May by releasing more info. The powers-that-be released the name of the tour (Unbreakable), as well as a list of dates for the first leg of the tour. The tour starts in Vancouver on August 31st, and the tickets go on sale June 22nd. They also released the first promo “picture” for the Unbreakable tour. I say “picture,” because there is no way that was ever a photo. It’s like Photoshop and a Fashion Faces toy got together and made a baby. Meanwhile, Mimi, Madonna, JLo, Britney, Beyonce, and every other Adobe-addicted pop bitch alive took a look at this picture and sent her a text with the thumbs-up emoji.
I would love to watch a YouTube tutorial from whoever made this, because I need to know how many different images it took to create what I’m seeing above. I want to know how the sausage was made! The best I can come up with is this: they started with the poster for Burlesque, added a picture of Janet that was taken through a carnival cutout, cut out some hair and a headband from a picture of Rock of Love-era Bret Michaels, accidentally pasted it on twice (for real, what is happening on the back of her head), followed by a child’s drawing of a hat, then covered it all in two tons of Gaussian blur and a criminal misuse of the smudge tool.
But regardless of how the poster for Janet’s Unbreakable tour was made, I can’t hate on it that much because it reminds me of Tatianna as Snatch Game Britney Spears, and that’s never a bad thing.
Pic: Janet Jackson.com