Okay, maybe one or two comments. I will say that when InTouch Weekly badly Photoshops lipstick, rouge and a smart scarf from Lord & Taylor onto Bruce Jenner, he gives us “politician’s wife” glamour. Still hotter than any Kartrashian.
Justin Bieber And Calvin Klein Really Want You To Believe He Wasn’t Photoshopped To Death In Those CK Ads
The jubilant sound of HAHAHAHAHAHAs filled the air yesterday as an alleged unretouched photo from Justin Bieber’s Calvin Klein sexy toddler training pants campaign leaked onto the internet and we all got to see just how much Photoshop it takes to turn a bratty preteen ferret into a buff bratty preteen ferret. However, one person was not laughing, and that somebody was the bratty ferret himself, Justin Bieber.
According to TMZ, Justin’s team (who I like to imagine is just his loser dad texting from a pile of Molson empties beside the pool) has threatened to sue the website that released the pre-Photoshop photo, BreatheHeavy.com, for defamation unless they remove the picture. They claim the pic of his teeny weeny peeny is fake and “damaging” his brand. Rugrat, please – your brand is so damaged, you could find it in the As Is section of IKEA.
Calvin Klein has also come to his defense by Tweeting the above not-shopped picture of Justin stripped down to his naptime shorts at Fashion Rocks in September. Notice how they chose a picture where you can’t make out his crotch area? I see you Calvin Klein.
Even though he’s about 2 bad investments away from an appearance on Dancing with the Canadian Stars, Justin Bieber currently still has the kind of money that could sue your ass into the ground, so it should come as no surprise that BreatheHeavy.com yanked the pic and issued an apology. They also say that Justin Bieber’s trainer Patrick Nilsson can confirm that the Justin does, in fact, have junk in the front trunk:
“I can definitely confirm that he is a well-endowed guy. I sound weird saying that, but yes.”
Somewhere in a random beige kitchen, Chris Hansen just pushed out a chair for Patrick. And it’s not just Justin’s bulge that needs defending; Calvin Klein has also told UsWeekly that he was a perfect gentleman on set who totally didn’t hit on model Lara Stone like a horny teenager the second his balls dropped. Well, that one I do believe. If sex ed has taught me anything, it’s that you have to have hit puberty first before you start getting the hornies.
When Justin Bieber’s Calvin Klein underoos ads hit the internet on Tuesday, I think we can agree that our eyes were assaulted by two things: the face of a bratty toddler trying desperately to look “all growed up”, and Photoshop. So much Photoshop. It was so cartoonish, I was convinced Justin was just standing behind one of those old timey muscleman cut-outs at the beach.
And it looks like everyone’s Photoshop suspicions might have been right, because according to BreatheHeavy.com (which appears to have crashed) this is what Justin looked like before Calvin Klein dry fucked Adobe Jr. to hell and back. They claim (via Page Six) that they received a couple SANS ‘SHOP pics like the one on the right from someone who worked on the CK campaign. Said source also described Bieber as “basically a douche” who kept hitting on model Lara Stone until she made a crack about him being a “child”. The source goes on to say that during the shoot, Canada’s shame kept mentioning that he wanted them to make him look “taller and buff”. Awww that’s cute. I think we can all remember being at that age where you stand on your tippy-toes every time your mom goes to measure your height against the wall because you want to look soooo big.
A larger (HA!) pic of Justin Bieber’s before shot is after the cut, so grab your magnifying glasses and let’s Inspector Clouseau this shit:
During an interview with Harper’s Bazaar UK, Gwyneth Paltrow confessed that she thinks women are too mean to each other. I know – how rich. Pot, meet snobby cunty $2,985 hand-forged imported steel kettle. I guess she’s already forgotten about that time she got into a shady passive aggressive cake feud with her life nemesis Martha Stewart.
“Women really need to examine why they’re so vitriolic to other women; why they want to twist words, why they want to read about someone else in a negative light and why that feels good to them… But I also know a huge tribe of women who are loving and supportive of other women, in ways that are completely transformative.”
She then added: “I am so supportive of the women in my life. For example, one time I offered to let a friend stay in my guest house after I realized she didn’t have an imported Italian beluga fin filtered oxygen system in every room in her home. I mean, gross, right? She was breathing in regular air. I also noticed the clothing her children were wearing were all off the rack, so I offered her an organic trash bag filled with Apple’s old couture. I am just such a good friend.”
Obviously the delusion is thick with this one, so it should come as no surprise that it gets thicker. Goopy also admitted that being born to a well-connected producer and actress and being the goddaughter of the guy who made E.T. had nothing to do with her success, because she’s worked for everything she has (please prepare your eyes for a workout, as they will inevitably roll at the following quote):
“My father was totally self-made. I grew up with the benefit of a great education and a beautiful house, but my father always said, ‘The day you leave, that’s it. You’re not getting anything,’ and he stuck to it. He was so hardcore about me making my own way. I’ve earned everything myself, and I’ve never taken any money from anyone – my father really pounded that into me, so I got the message.”
You hear that? Bythe Danner’s daughter doesn’t have to name-drop because Blythe Danner’s daughter is a hustler! Here’s more of Goopy looking like Photoshop farted on an airbrushed T-shirt stand in Harper’s Bazaar:
“So I guess Riccardo had pineapple for lunch,” said Kim Kartrashian to Kanye West after smelling his breath while taking that picture.
Speaking of Riccardo Tisci, he’s probably doing the open-mouth silent cry of pain while slowly sliding down a wall, because his boo Kanye West has cheated on Givenchy with that fashion home-wrecking slut whore tramp hussy skank Balmain. Balmain let it be known today that they’re targeting the overused ass dildo demographic by making Kimye the face of their Spring 2015 menswear campaign. They look about as alive as a dried dingle clinging to a used piece of toilet paper discarded in the stall trash can of a rest stop bathroom. So what I’m saying is that they look more alive than usual.
On a positive note, it was very brave of Kummy Kakes to give us a glimpse of a fame whore succubus ritual. In the picture above, Kim is showing us the moment when a Kartrashian unlocks her jaws and swallows her victim whole before spitting out his soulless carcass. Yeah, so that’s why that picture seems so familiar to Bruce Jenner.
There’s three more pictures after the cut if you’ve got enough strength in your eye-rolling muscle.
To quote the internal monologue in North West’s head when that hobbit who smells like paint and burnt wax picks her up from her nanny’s house for an Instagram pic session (which she’ll get cropped out of later): “Your face, I can’t place it.”
Thanks to this cover of Women’s Health, Brit Brit Spears will once again get a holiday gift basket from Adobe as a thank you for her years of support. Our Lady of Cheetos is on the cover of Women’s Health January/February 2015 issue and it took me a minute to see the Britney under all those layers of Photoshop. Brit Brit’s in there, but I also see other things like:
1. A sleep-deprived Heidi Klum after Phoebe Price’s plastic surgeon installed silicone chicken cutlets into her cheeks.
2. An unauthorized Elisabeth Hasselbeck plastic puppet that was pulled off of Walmart shelves for scaring children.
3. A Klingon that had its forehead scales shaved down and smoothed out.
With all that being said, I’d totally suck on Brit Brit’s face on the cover and solely because her new nose kind of looks like a dick.
Brit Brit also did an interview and what I mean by that is that her publicist handed the magazine a bunch of canned quotes that didn’t come out of Our Lady of Cheetos’ mouth ever. If Team Cheetos wants us to believe these quotes came from the brain of Brit Brit, they shouldn’t have used hard works like crucial, consistency, continuous, exercise, wider, cardio, important, daily, problem, motivated, etc… etc…
On her birthing hips : “My hips are a little bit wider because I’ve had kids. So it was crucial for me to be continuous with my exercise. Consistency is key.”
On how her trainers hold a piece of teriyaki possum jerky in front of her while she’s running on the treadmill: “Daily exercise is important for me both mentally and physically. I don’t mind working out. Trainers keep you motivated, but I didn’t have a problem being motivated.”
On how dancing is hard: “Dancing is a great cardio workout — tough and fun at the same time.”
And I haven’t read the whole issue, but I’m pretty sure that the one simple move to getting “insane abs” is to hold your arms above your head and let Photoshop do the rest.
I think it goes without saying that I just pictured Lady Gaga in a flannel shirt and a trucker hat screaming “DEY TOOK OUR JERBS!”
For the fourth time in her career, Professional Cool Mom Madonna has been chosen as the face of a Versace campaign, thus signing Lady Gaga’s walking papers. The Daily Mail doesn’t say why Gaga is gone after only one season as the vacant, Photoshopped to Mars and back face of Ver-sayce, but my guess is that Donatella Versace figured “Why use imitation Madonna when you can use the real thing?” and gave her the boot. Then again, maybe Donatella didn’t mean to replace Gaga with Madonna, she just wasn’t specific enough. “Breeng me the blonde pop star. You know, the one who sounds like Madonna. Now leave Donatella alone, Donatella needs to take nap.”
Speaking of the vaguely-human hand puppet, Donatella says she chose her friend Madonna for Versace’s SS15 campaign because she’s a “true icon”, with Madonna adding:
“It’s always exciting to be dressed head-to-toe in Versace and experience first-hand Donatella’s vivid imagination and passion that she has created for this collection.”
Vivid imagination? The hell? The entire campaign is shot in black and white against a grey backdrop. Someone better check Donatella for color blindness. Or maybe they had to shoot it in black and white because it was the only way they could add two tons of Photoshop to Madonna’s face and hands without drawing too much attention. Those hands! I’ve seen 2-month-old babies with more wrinkles on their hands.
But I will say that Madonna does look pretty hot. And in one of the shots, she also looks very itchy. And uncomfortable. Maybe Donatella was going for a post-modern yeast infection theme? Oooh, so artsy.
No wonder Beyonce’s last Instagram picture looked like it was ‘shopped with a half-broken version of Photoshop 0.07 full of dull and overused tools, because all of the Photoshop was used on this Paper Magazine cover of greasy trash coming out of a trash bag. RIP Adobe. We should’ve known you’d eventually spit out your last breath while pasting someone else’s waist on Kim Kartrashian’s extra glazed plastic ass.
Last night, thousands of people pushed away the plate of greasy, over-stuffed pork dumplings they were having for dinner and said, “Yeah no, I’m okay,” after seeing Kummy Kakes’ Photoshopped ass looking like a family of hairless warthogs oil wrestling in a trash bag. That picture of Kummy looking like a centaur Who was taken by Jean-Paul Goude who took several iconic pictures of Grace Jones back in the day.
Jean-Paul Goude also recreated his famous “champagne glass balancing on an ass” picture with Kim and it’s after the cut. Computers and fingers were broken while Photoshopping that shit.
Our Lady of Liquefy Tool Beyonce celebrated another successful week of being Beyonce by releasing a couple amateur sexyface modeling shots to her Tumblr, aka her online Barbizon portfolio. And once again, it appears that her Photoshop project manager Basement Baby decided to take a nap on an old pile of unsold House of Dereon jeans instead of going over each shot with a magnifying glass LIKE SHE’S SUPPOSED TO, because another Body by Still Learning How To Use The Blur Tool picture was posted. Get your shit together, Basement!
Part of me wants to call up Adobe and ask if they offer an on-site tutorial on waist cinching, but I think the real problem here is Beyonce. Beyonce is clearly too confident in the skills of her team of Photoshop artistes! Why else would she stand in front of vertical stripes? Beyonce should know by now that unless she wants a busted mess of wonky-ass warped lines around her waist and thighs, she cannot stand in front of a striped background! It doesn’t matter how much attention Bey tries to draw down to her SpongeBob SquarePants-looking thigh gap, all I see is that fabric fun house mirror behind her!
And I guess I’m still really confused by one thing: if you’re going to go to the trouble of Photoshopping your waist, thighs, thigh gap, pussy, tits, arms, and face, why stop at the puckered butt holes in your arm pits? That would be the first thing I would want gone! Erase my armpit butt holes!
In honor of the 10th anniversary of Mean Girls, aka the movie to which I dedicate my life’s laughter and tears (whatever the fuck that means), Tina Fey was kind enough to postpone working on her night cheese to reunite with former actress and current freckled mess Lindsay Lohan for Entertainment Weekly’s reunions issue. At least I *think* that’s supposed to be Lindsay Lohan; it actually looks more like a heavily Photoshopped/heavily sedated come-to-life Lindsay Lohan My Scene doll. Only Tina knows for sure. Tina, did it try to distract you while it rifled through your purse for pills or ask to borrow $60 million? Then it wasn’t the doll.
They also told some stories about what it was like filming Mean Girls, like this one about Lindsay Lohan sounding like the definition of 2004:
Tina: “I remember 17-year-old Lindsay was on a mission to find pink Uggs. That was, like, what she was working on. And there was one day where she tried to explain to Amy and me her beef with Hilary Duff, but we couldn’t crack it. But we were pretending we could follow it.”
Lindsay: “I had been online trying to get pink Uggs because I had a pink pleated skirt in the scene where I fall into the garbage can. I was like, ‘I need pink Uggs!’ I mean, I was rhinestoning my phone at the time with Swarovski crystals. [Laughs] So it was somewhat Method.”
That clever grifter-in-training! “I need pink Uggs! Uh…I mean…my character needs pink Uggs. Maybe a couple pairs actually. Tags on, just in case I…I mean, “my character” (wink)…decides to sell them for cash.”
Tina and the Apricot Ashtray were also joined by their Mean Girls co-stars Rachel McAdams, Lacey Chabert, and Amanda Seyfried. Wait, that’s it? No Janis Ian? No Damian? No chihuahua who tries to take a chunk out of Mrs. George’s tit? NO KEVIN GNAPOOR?!?! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you can’t have a Mean Girls reunion without math enthusiast/bad-ass MC Kevin Gnapoor!