Oh, Anna Wintour, that frozen-hearted demonic genius!
Taylor Swift is one of the co-chairs of this year’s MET(h) Gala along with Anna Wintour, so I figured that Vogue’s lips were currently attached to her heart-shaped asshole. But I figured wrong, because this morning Anna Wintour released the newest cover of Vogue with Tay Tay on the cover and this mess screams: I. Hate. This. Trick. If Anna Wintour liked Taylor, she wouldn’t have her on the cover looking like the old straw broom my abuelita used to sweep the carpet with. I know that Anna Wintour is completely dead inside and doesn’t have the ability to process human emotions, but I still love her for this.
Over the weekend, Posh Beckham posted a few pictures from her Vogue China shoot on Instagram, and the one above of her posing like a goth stork trying to pussy burp up a stubborn queef has gotten the most attention. Posh’s Instagram followers looked at that picture and figured that either a shark mistook her for an eel in trauma and bit a piece of her thigh off, or Vogue China hired the same Photoshop artistes who chopped off Demi Moore’s hip for W Magazine. Here’s a closer look at Posh’s puzzle-piece-looking thigh:
WWKWS?! (What would Kerry Washington say?!)
Posh hasn’t said anything about this yet, but as Cosmopolitan points out, Vogue China probably didn’t take a digital machete to her thigh. When you were staring at her chopped-up thigh, you were really staring at her panties-covered poon area:
Take a minute to study Victoria’s crotch properly (you’re welcome) and you’ll notice that the crisp lines and white space between her legs is actually because she’s wearing white underwear. It’s probably just panties, and that’s for the best because if she weren’t wearing any, well, then this would be a whole other photo.
That said, there’s still the issue of why her right calf and knee seem to bleed so seamlessly into the grayscale background at hand…
Mystery solved! But I still have another question that hasn’t been answered: Why the fuck is she posing like the girl from The Ring after getting possessed by the dark spirit of a constipated flamingo?
Back in 2014, Paper Magazine tried to break the Internet with Kim Kartrashian’s greased-up plastic luau pig ass. And now, Paper Magazine is trying to break our spirits with a picture of Kylie Jenner looking like a LazyTown blow-up doll that was possessed by all the demons and now trolls the land looking to fill her triple-stuffed clown lips with the souls of her victims. Looking at this cover may be the most terrifying thing that has happened to me today and that’s saying a lot since this morning I woke up to find that I only had enough coffee for two cups. But fuck coffee. I need to switch to freebasing Drano after getting hit with Kylie looking like an anime frog whose head is getting attacked by a mutant cotton candy monster. That cover is very “Princess Lolly after Candy Land’s nuclear power plant explodes.”
This is supposed to be Paper’s “YOUth” issue, so I’m wondering why they chose a picture that makes Kylie look like she’s had all of the youth syphoned out of her. It’s terrifying and I’m sure Pimp Mama Kris handpicked this picture herself. PMK’s evil knows no bounds. But with that being said, Kylie Jenner has never looked more alive!
Emma Watson’s Rep Responds To That Old “Skin Whitening” Ad For Lancome After The Internet Dragged On Her
This old ad from 2013 of Emma Watson’s face next to some Lancome “skin whitening” cream called “Blanc Expert” was pulled out of the archives recently and caused some people to tell Hermione Granger that she should use an even stronger skin whitening cream to bleach the words “FAKE FEMINIST” into her forehead. Honestly, I don’t know how anybody knew that was Emma Watson in the first place, because there’s so much Photoshop happening there that she looks more like a factory-defected humanoid than herself.
When I saw this story earlier in the week, I sort of shrugged since I figured it was a dark spot corrector cream. You know, sort of like the kind I use on my asshole to get out the blemishes, even the skin tone, brighten it up and make it sparkle, Neely, sparkle. (“Even an industrial buffer couldn’t make that worn out thing sparkle” – my free clinic doctor) But the ad, which was only used in Asia, still caused outraaaaaaage and controversy. So Emma’s rep released a statement saying that she no longer has a contract with Lancome and when she did, she had no control over how her face was used in ads. Her rep’s statement via People
“Many artists often have limited control of how their image is used once an endorsement contract is signed. I cannot comment on my client’s previous contractual arrangements with Lancome. However my client no longer participates in advertising beauty products, which do not always reflect the diverse beauty of all women.”
Lancome also released their own statement about the product. (Side note: For years, my cousin pronounced Lancome as “lan cum,” which always sounded like lamb cum to me. I don’t talk to her anymore.)
“Blanc Expert was created by Lancôme 20 years ago. It helps brighten, even skin tone, and provides a healthy looking complexion. This kind of product, proposed by every brand, is an essential part of Asian women’s beauty routines.”
So what I’m getting from this is that Emma Watson probably never used the product and Lamb Cum just Photoshopped a picture of her into another dimension before slapping it on that ad. If that’s the route Lancome went, they should’ve went all the way by using this picture of Lucille Bluth:
Now that is how it’s done!
Who is that on the cover of V Magazine?
1. Is it Jessica Simpson after being ran through Photoshop twice and covered with Instagram filters?
2. Is it Tatianna from RuPaul’s Drag Race in Britney Spears drag after being ran through Photoshop twice and covered with Instagram filters?
3. Is it Britney Spears circa 2003?
The answer is: None of the above. It’s Britney circa today, bitch. More like, it’s, Photoshop, bitch.
Doctor Strange is still shooting and it won’t be done until March, but I guess Marvel couldn’t wait to make the clits of the Cumberbitches bust into a seizure, because they let Benedict Cumberbatch pose in full Sorcerer Supreme drag for an Entertainment Weekly cover shoot.
To me, it just looks like a Photoshopped B. Cums in cosplay at the ren faire, but that doesn’t matter. Entertainment Weekly is still going to sell a zillion copies of this shit, because the Cumberbitches are going to do all sorts of things with this issue. They’re going to cover their walls and ceilings with it. They’re going to make paper panties out of it. And they’re going to roll it up, laminate it and use it gently as a dildo. I mean, it’s a special double issue, so it’s already got the girth.
B. Cums told Entertainment Weekly that he hasn’t figured out all of Doctor Strange’s spell-casting moves yet, so he used the photo shoot to help him with that.
“I’m still in the infancy of learning all that. It was like, okay, I’ve got to keep throwing these poses, these spells, these rune-casting things, everything he does physically. I’m thinking, there’s going to be a huge amount of speculation and intrigue over the positioning of that finger as opposed to it being there, or there. And I’m still working on that. We haven’t played any of those scenes yet. I felt really self-conscious. But, then, by the end, it was great. It’s like anything, you just have to experiment.”
“…the positioning of that finger…” That sound that sounded like a thousand THUDS was just from the Cumberbitches falling out of themselves.
On another note, why in all of the fucks did the exclusive first look at Ryan Reynolds’ pecs & abs not make the cover?!
And here’s more of B. Cums working that high collar and Dep gel-covered 80s bangs as Doctor Strange, as well as pictures of him with Sophie Hunter at the Star Wars premiere a couple of weeks ago.