Category: Photoshop Awards

It’s The Alien Lizard King As Doctor Strange

December 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Doctor Strange is still shooting and it won’t be done until March, but I guess Marvel couldn’t wait to make the clits of the Cumberbitches bust into a seizure, because they let Benedict Cumberbatch pose in full Sorcerer Supreme drag for an Entertainment Weekly cover shoot.

To me, it just looks like a Photoshopped B. Cums in cosplay at the ren faire, but that doesn’t matter. Entertainment Weekly is still going to sell a zillion copies of this shit, because the Cumberbitches are going to do all sorts of things with this issue. They’re going to cover their walls and ceilings with it. They’re going to make paper panties out of it. And they’re going to roll it up, laminate it and use it gently as a dildo. I mean, it’s a special double issue, so it’s already got the girth.

B. Cums told Entertainment Weekly that he hasn’t figured out all of Doctor Strange’s spell-casting moves yet, so he used the photo shoot to help him with that.

“I’m still in the infancy of learning all that. It was like, okay, I’ve got to keep throwing these poses, these spells, these rune-casting things, everything he does physically. I’m thinking, there’s going to be a huge amount of speculation and intrigue over the positioning of that finger as opposed to it being there, or there. And I’m still working on that. We haven’t played any of those scenes yet. I felt really self-conscious. But, then, by the end, it was great. It’s like anything, you just have to experiment.”

…the positioning of that finger…” That sound that sounded like a thousand THUDS was just from the Cumberbitches falling out of themselves.

On another note, why in all of the fucks did the exclusive first look at Ryan Reynolds’ pecs & abs not make the cover?!

And here’s more of B. Cums working that high collar and Dep gel-covered 80s bangs as Doctor Strange, as well as pictures of him with Sophie Hunter at the Star Wars premiere a couple of weeks ago.

Pics: Entertainment Weekly, Wenn.com

No, This Isn’t Creepy At All…

December 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Bobbi Kristina Brown’s estate is suing her fake brother/boyfriend/whatever Nick Gordon for $40 million for allegedly assaulting her and causing her all kinds of emotional distress. Nick is also being investigated by the police who think that he may have had something to do with her death. With all that going on, it was a wonderful idea for Nick Gordon to open up a half-broken, bootleg copy of MS Paint and throw together that shitty Christmas card.

People says that on Tuesday, Nick Gordon tweeted (his account is now private) a Photoshopped picture of him and Bobbi Kristina in Santa hats. The picture of Nick and Bobbi Kristina is from a Whitney Houston tribute event in 2012.

There are many things that make me say “HELL TO THE NO” about that card, but one of the worst things about it is the crappy ass Photoshop job. That’s the most offensive part. If you’re going to make a creepy Christmas card featuring the dead girlfriend whose family is suing you, you should at least use some of the money you mooched off of her to hire a skilled graphic designer to do it. Have some dignity!

The Photoshop Awards: Prince Hot Ginge And Pippa Middleton On OK! Magazine

December 9, 2015 / Posted by:

You may want to ask a trustworthy loved one to stand on the opposite side of the room with a catcher’s mitt, because this piece of information is probably going to blow your mind and I don’t want it splattering all over the wall. Prince Hot Ginge and Pippa Middleton weren’t really photographed on a beach together. That was Photoshopped. You know, I don’t even know if it’s Photoshopped. It looks like they cut out a picture of him, cut out a picture of her, glued both to a background and took a picture of that. That is some master decoupage work.

The story about PHG and THE BUTT OF BRITAIN being secret lovers is about as real and believable as that cover. A source says that their parts have tingled for each other for years and they even fucked in the bathroom at Duchess Kate and Prince William’s wedding. But then they started dating other people and now that they’re both single, they started doing each other again.

The Photoshop Awards: Jennifer Aniston’s New Perfume Ad

July 8, 2015 / Posted by:

I don’t know who is buying these celebrity perfumes, let alone Jennifer Aniston’s bottles of stank. (Yes, that’s coming from a bitch who has several bottles of “Phoebe’s Phantasy” in his bathroom cabinet. But Phoebe Price isn’t just a celebrity. She’s a goddess on earth!) But apparently, people are buying the perfumed shit that Jennifer Aniston is selling, because she is following up her other two fragrances, “J’Aloneand “J by Jennifer Aniston,” with a new perfume called “Near Dusk.” I’m really disappointed in Jennifer Aniston for not naming this one “Uncool Water.” Still, though, get that money, Aniston. Justin Theroux’s skinny jeans and black polish hair dye aren’t cheap and her Aveeno, Smart Water and Living Proof money only goes so far.

Jennifer tells People that “Near Dusk” is a nighttime perfume. Jennifer used to spend her nights crying into a bowl of uncooked cake mix while clutching a teddy bear, so I was hoping that “Near Dusk” smells like a mixture of mascara tears, stuffed animal fur, dog drool and a hint of Duncan Hines batter. But no, it doesn’t smell like that, unfortunately.

“I’ve been wanting to do more of a nighttime fragrance, something a little sexier,” the star tells PEOPLE. “The others are a little lighter and more daytimey.” All three are beach-inspired, but Near Dusk takes a more sultry tone with notes of nectarine, sweet pink pepper, coconut water and jasmine. As Aniston puts it: It’s great for “date night.”

Jennifer also tells People that she’ll never do a men’s cologne (uh huh), because she loves it when dudes smell like sweat. Jennifer was married to Brad Pitt, so it’s no surprise that she grew to like the scent of warm armpit foam and nutsack syrup. As for that ad…

Never mind that they Photoshopped her to look like a rubber cat in a wig, I’m trying to figure out what they’re going for. It sort of looks like she’s getting an enema and not sure if she’s into it or not. She also looks like she just woke up on a Mexican beach after a day of drunken skinny dipping with Chelsea Handler. After waking up, she notices an almost-empty tequila bottle they left on the beach. Jennifer is crawling toward it and trying to get the last drop before Chelsea wakes up and goes for it. It has a slight “my preeeeeeeeeecious” vibe about it, but instead of reaching for the One Ring, she’s crawling toward tequila. Since I put it that way, the ad works!

The First Picture For Janet Jackson’s World Tour Is Here

June 15, 2015 / Posted by:

Earlier today, Janet Jackson reminded everyone about that new album and world tour she teased back in May by releasing more info. The powers-that-be released the name of the tour (Unbreakable), as well as a list of dates for the first leg of the tour. The tour starts in Vancouver on August 31st, and the tickets go on sale June 22nd. They also released the first promo “picture” for the Unbreakable tour. I say “picture,” because there is no way that was ever a photo. It’s like Photoshop and a Fashion Faces toy got together and made a baby. Meanwhile, Mimi, Madonna, JLo, Britney, Beyonce, and every other Adobe-addicted pop bitch alive took a look at this picture and sent her a text with the thumbs-up emoji.

I would love to watch a YouTube tutorial from whoever made this, because I need to know how many different images it took to create what I’m seeing above. I want to know how the sausage was made! The best I can come up with is this: they started with the poster for Burlesque, added a picture of Janet that was taken through a carnival cutout, cut out some hair and a headband from a picture of Rock of Love-era Bret Michaels, accidentally pasted it on twice (for real, what is happening on the back of her head), followed by a child’s drawing of a hat, then covered it all in two tons of Gaussian blur and a criminal misuse of the smudge tool.

But regardless of how the poster for Janet’s Unbreakable tour was made, I can’t hate on it that much because it reminds me of Tatianna as Snatch Game Britney Spears, and that’s never a bad thing.

TatianaDragRace

Pic: Janet Jackson.com

The Photoshop Lifetime Achievement Awards: Mimi’s New Album Cover

April 13, 2015 / Posted by:

If there was a Harpo, Who Dis Woman Museum, this fairy tale of a picture would be the crown jewel in its collection.

You can always count on the reigning Empress of Photoshop, Mimi, to keep Adobe in business by using every copy of Photoshop to make her latest album cover. When I opened Photoshop the other day, it immediately quit on me and now I know way. All of its energy was spent on making this album cover look like an oil paining portrait of a Mariah Carey wax figure that was made in the late 90s. This shit looks like Big Ang posing a fun house mirror. It looks like they just copy + pasted a different dress on the cover for Mimi’s #1’s album from 1998.

Yesterday, the Butterfly Unicornie Hello Kitty Rainbow Princess released the cover art for her newest greatest hits album called #1 To Infinity. That cover was Photoshopped to infinity and beyond. But you know, it wouldn’t be a Mimi album cover if it didn’t have more special effects than a James Cameron movie. Mimi truly is a grand master catfisher and the Patron Saint of Adobe.

And here’s the real Mimi in NYC the other day.

Pics: Splash

Lindsay Lohan Continues To Show Beyonce How It’s Done

April 4, 2015 / Posted by:

If you know someone who runs one of those charities that donates eyeglasses to the needy, now would be the time to point them in the direction of Lindsay Lohan, because bitch is clearly going blind if she can’t see how truly messy those stairs are behind her.

Yesterday, the itchy drug-resistant rash America gave to England posted a picture of herself wearing one of those waist trainers to Twitter. And just like the last time she tried to post a sexy body selfie, the right side of her body was lousy with janky Photoshop fuckery and a bunch of people called her ass out for it. Sidebar: you know you’re dealing with a truly busted photo when the giant pair of pastel green spandex-wrapped pussy lips aren’t thing first thing your eyes are drawn to.

Of course, once the Apricot Ashtray realized that she’d been caught trying to shrink her waist with the liquify tool, she yanked the picture. A little while later, she uploaded it once again, this time with a set of stairs that didn’t look like they weren’t built by Salvador Dali. But it was too late. Everyone already saw those warped stairs and floor tiles. Sweet Jesus, those floor tiles! If that’s not the result of shitty Photoshop, then HGTV’s Scott McGillivray better get his hot ass to whatever severely flood-damaged basement Lohan took this picture in and fix it.

How many times does this kind of crap have to happen before famous vain types will finally learn to stop posing in front of stairs if they plan on sneakily Photoshopping the hell out of themselves? Stairs will rat you out every time!

I See Someone Has Been Taking Notes From Beyonce’s Photoshop Expert Again

March 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, at least it’s not as bad as the last time Lindsay Lohan tried to Photoshop her ass, I guess.

Since Lindsay Lohan is currently unemployed and doing not much of anything besides kissing Kardashian family ass, you’d think she would use some of that free time to sit her freckled ass down and learn how to Photoshop. But you’d be wrong, because unless Photoshop starts paying her bills, she isn’t going to waste a single second on that shit. And that’s how busted pictures like this are born!

The Apricot Ashtray is still in Paris teaching French rats how to cook, Ratatouille-style, and claiming it as community service hours (NO – she’s there for fashion week), and last night she posted the above picture to Instagram of herself looking like Dancing Pumpkin Guy’s rode hard put away extra thirsty second cousin in a room at the Plaza Athénée, and unless the Plaza Athénée is a carnival-themed hotel and she’s staying in the Fun House Suite, something is very wrong with the ass end of her body. Either she tried to make her ass bigger by pulling it out or tried to shrink her waist and thighs. But I think no matter what she did, we can all agree that it’s a damn mess.

Then again, years of partying, fame whoring, and dollar store spray tans might have done long-term damage to her brain, so maybe this image is actually an accurate representation of what LiLo sees. “Hey, something’s wrong with the door frame – why isn’t it all squiggly?

Pic: Instagram

And The Hardest-Working Publicist Award Goes To…

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

The poor soul who does PR for Canada’s perpetually constipated-looking preteen hamster boy, Justin Bieber! Congratulations, whoever you are – you really outdid yourself this time. Justin Bieber’s I’m A Big Boy Now tour is still making stops in whatever town will have him, and this time he’s proving he’s a big boy now in Men’s Health magazine. Yes, you read that correctly. Not Boy’s Health or Douchey Spoiled Brat’s Health, but Men’s Health. Does anyone have a dictionary handy to double-check that the definition of the word men is still the same and that we didn’t wake up in some upside-down opposite world this morning?

Justin also brought with him his in-house de-infant Photoshop team to make him look extra buff in the body, and it looks like they worked out whatever kinks they had during his CK training pants campaign (crotch bulge shadows look off, face still looks like child), because I almost believe he no longer has the body of a malnourished baby squirrel. Justin also wants you to know that along with his buff new body, he also has thoughts.

Cindy Crawford Says That SANS PHOTOSHOP Pic Of Her Is Full Of Photoshop

March 1, 2015 / Posted by:

When a supposedly SANS PHOTOSHOP picture of Cindy Crawford in her underwear and one of old Cruella de Vil’s old Friday night fuck dusters from a Marie Claire Mexico shoot hit the internet, most of us gave Cindy a slow clap for serving up some 48-year-old mother of two body-oddy-oddy and keeping it real in the waist and face area. However, if there was anyone not joining in on the slow clapping for Cindy Crawford’s SANS PHOTOSHOP pic, it was probably Cindy Crawford, because according to the photographer who took it, that pic is a LIE.

TMZ says that a lawyer for Cindy’s photographer is claiming that the picture of a real-looking Cindy Crawford is fake as hell and is threatening the people who released it with a lawsuit unless they take it down and issue and apology. According to the photographer who shot Cindy, that SANS PHOTOSHOP picture is actually BEAUCOUP DE PHOTOSHOP; they claim some shady asshole type stole the pic and went hard on her tummy with the burn tool in Photoshop to make her look old and stretch mark-y on purpose.

Meanwhile, Cindy’s response has been a little more subtle; the day after the picture was released, Cindy’s husband (and the Gretchen Wieners to George Clooney’s Regina George) Rande Gerber posted a picture of Cindy in a bikini to Instagram showing what her stomach really looks like. Then again, it could also be Photoshopped to hell and back. WHO KNOWS? I’m sure the truth is out there, but Mulder and Scully have better things to do than solve the mystery of the Photoshopped former supermodel tummy.

If it’s true and that SANS PHOTOSHOP picture is, in fact, Photoshopped to hell and back, then I can’t help but wonder what kind of bitch would wanna do Cindy dirty like that. Can someone check Adobe’s records to see if they recently licensed a copy of Photoshop under the name “Naomi Campbell“?

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