We are all that disgusted memaw and pepaw, because how would we be able to continue to shop at a grocery store where Goopy Paltrow’s freshly colonic’d ass probably leaked goop all over the checkout conveyor belt? But then again, I doubt Goopy would dare put her 22-year-old stripper ass on a conveyor belt covered with preservatives-filled peasant germs! So either Goopy was Photoshopped into that Greenpoint grocery store, or that counter was brand new and was ripped out after the shoot because she didn’t want her regal essence anywhere near that dreadful emporium of inedible commoner foods!
During an interview with Samantha Bee for Harper’s Bazaar, Goopy said that the Goopy Paltrow of today is much less of an asshole than the Goopy Paltrow of 17 years ago. Yes, Goopy used to be worse, but Bruce Paltrow saved us all.
Paper Magazine and Kim Kartrashian covered our eyeballs with a thick greasy skid mark about a year and a half ago, and around 5 months ago, Kylie Jenner got her own terrifying cover, which made all of us reach for our rosaries. It was time for another member of that koven of fame whores (or in this case, a soon-to-be member) to take the cover. Surprisingly, Pimp Mama Kris didn’t try to outdo her hos by posing naked, greased-up and spread-eagled on the cover of September’s Paper. (That will probably be on the cover of Paper’s annual Unholy Issue in December.) Blac Chyna did the cover instead.
Oh, Anna Wintour, that frozen-hearted demonic genius!
Taylor Swift is one of the co-chairs of this year’s MET(h) Gala along with Anna Wintour, so I figured that Vogue’s lips were currently attached to her heart-shaped asshole. But I figured wrong, because this morning Anna Wintour released the newest cover of Vogue with Tay Tay on the cover and this mess screams: I. Hate. This. Trick. If Anna Wintour liked Taylor, she wouldn’t have her on the cover looking like the old straw broom my abuelita used to sweep the carpet with. I know that Anna Wintour is completely dead inside and doesn’t have the ability to process human emotions, but I still love her for this.
Over the weekend, Posh Beckham posted a few pictures from her Vogue China shoot on Instagram, and the one above of her posing like a goth stork trying to pussy burp up a stubborn queef has gotten the most attention. Posh’s Instagram followers looked at that picture and figured that either a shark mistook her for an eel in trauma and bit a piece of her thigh off, or Vogue China hired the same Photoshop artistes who chopped off Demi Moore’s hip for W Magazine. Here’s a closer look at Posh’s puzzle-piece-looking thigh:
WWKWS?! (What would Kerry Washington say?!)
Posh hasn’t said anything about this yet, but as Cosmopolitan points out, Vogue China probably didn’t take a digital machete to her thigh. When you were staring at her chopped-up thigh, you were really staring at her panties-covered poon area:
Take a minute to study Victoria’s crotch properly (you’re welcome) and you’ll notice that the crisp lines and white space between her legs is actually because she’s wearing white underwear. It’s probably just panties, and that’s for the best because if she weren’t wearing any, well, then this would be a whole other photo.
That said, there’s still the issue of why her right calf and knee seem to bleed so seamlessly into the grayscale background at hand…
Mystery solved! But I still have another question that hasn’t been answered: Why the fuck is she posing like the girl from The Ring after getting possessed by the dark spirit of a constipated flamingo?
Back in 2014, Paper Magazine tried to break the Internet with Kim Kartrashian’s greased-up plastic luau pig ass. And now, Paper Magazine is trying to break our spirits with a picture of Kylie Jenner looking like a LazyTown blow-up doll that was possessed by all the demons and now trolls the land looking to fill her triple-stuffed clown lips with the souls of her victims. Looking at this cover may be the most terrifying thing that has happened to me today and that’s saying a lot since this morning I woke up to find that I only had enough coffee for two cups. But fuck coffee. I need to switch to freebasing Drano after getting hit with Kylie looking like an anime frog whose head is getting attacked by a mutant cotton candy monster. That cover is very “Princess Lolly after Candy Land’s nuclear power plant explodes.”
This is supposed to be Paper’s “YOUth” issue, so I’m wondering why they chose a picture that makes Kylie look like she’s had all of the youth syphoned out of her. It’s terrifying and I’m sure Pimp Mama Kris handpicked this picture herself. PMK’s evil knows no bounds. But with that being said, Kylie Jenner has never looked more alive!
Emma Watson’s Rep Responds To That Old “Skin Whitening” Ad For Lancome After The Internet Dragged On Her
This old ad from 2013 of Emma Watson’s face next to some Lancome “skin whitening” cream called “Blanc Expert” was pulled out of the archives recently and caused some people to tell Hermione Granger that she should use an even stronger skin whitening cream to bleach the words “FAKE FEMINIST” into her forehead. Honestly, I don’t know how anybody knew that was Emma Watson in the first place, because there’s so much Photoshop happening there that she looks more like a factory-defected humanoid than herself.
When I saw this story earlier in the week, I sort of shrugged since I figured it was a dark spot corrector cream. You know, sort of like the kind I use on my asshole to get out the blemishes, even the skin tone, brighten it up and make it sparkle, Neely, sparkle. (“Even an industrial buffer couldn’t make that worn out thing sparkle” – my free clinic doctor) But the ad, which was only used in Asia, still caused outraaaaaaage and controversy. So Emma’s rep released a statement saying that she no longer has a contract with Lancome and when she did, she had no control over how her face was used in ads. Her rep’s statement via People
“Many artists often have limited control of how their image is used once an endorsement contract is signed. I cannot comment on my client’s previous contractual arrangements with Lancome. However my client no longer participates in advertising beauty products, which do not always reflect the diverse beauty of all women.”
Lancome also released their own statement about the product. (Side note: For years, my cousin pronounced Lancome as “lan cum,” which always sounded like lamb cum to me. I don’t talk to her anymore.)
“Blanc Expert was created by Lancôme 20 years ago. It helps brighten, even skin tone, and provides a healthy looking complexion. This kind of product, proposed by every brand, is an essential part of Asian women’s beauty routines.”
So what I’m getting from this is that Emma Watson probably never used the product and Lamb Cum just Photoshopped a picture of her into another dimension before slapping it on that ad. If that’s the route Lancome went, they should’ve went all the way by using this picture of Lucille Bluth:
Now that is how it’s done!