When Little Critter’s big city fancy cousin Lena Dunham made the cover of Vogue, Jezebel offered up a $10,000 bounty to anyone who’d burp up the pre-Photoshopped pictures. Because I guess they wanted to make a statement about retouching in ladies magazine and because maybe they wanted to see raw and organic pictures of her looking like Rob Ford in a Marc Jacobs dress. It took a quick minute for someone (aka Ann Wintour herself who probably jacked off with a Prada vibrator to the entire “scandal“) to slide the pictures over to Jezebel and stuff the 10 grand in their bra. I kind of thought that the pictures would prove Vogue went full Mimi on Lena Dunham’s pictures, but they proved the opposite. The pictures proved that they didn’t go totally crazy with Photoshop. Womp. Womp.
During an interview with Grantland (via TIME), the entire Jezebel vs. Vogue and Lena Dunham’s ESCANDALO was brought up and she said that Jezebel really took a messy diarrhea in the bed and rolled around in it and she lost a little respect for them for that. (Side note: I’m sure that in a future episode of Girls, Adam is going to take a messy diarrhea on Hannah and make her roll around in it while he jacks off on top of her.)
“I think Jezebel can be really smart and funny, I think it’s just once you’ve been attacked in that way it’s hard to enjoy. They made such a monumental error in their approach to feminism. For me, it was like I just can’t sort of be half-in. It felt gross. I didn’t talk to the woman who did it directly, but I can’t imagine the reaction made her feel particularly great. That much content. I’d lose my mind. I did have sympathy for that. But once they did post the un-retouched images of me that looked so similar…
I was kind of scared to see the un-retouched images of me, I was like, maybe I’m delusional and I don’t look how I think I look. And it was like—they smoothed a line here, and shaved off a part my neck. It was the most minimal retouching. I felt completely respected by Vogue. I felt like, ‘Thank you for removing the one line from my face, because I’m 27 years old and shouldn’t have that there.’
Instead of going like, ‘Hey, we kinda fucked up, these pictures aren’t that retouched Lena, enjoy the Vogue spread that you’ve been excited about since you were eight years old,’ they were like, ‘She’s not retouched, but she could’ve been.’ It was this weird almost political maneuvering that I just had a lot of trouble respecting.”
Two things: I see the shade that Lena Dunham threw at Lindsay Lindsay, because Lindsay Lohan is 27 years old and she has more wrinkles than a crackhead pepaw’s nutsack.
Also, just when I was beginning to nod at Lena Dunham and agree with what she was saying, she became 100% insufferable again by saying that being on the cover of Vogue was her dream since she was 8. If it’s true, that’s annoying. But bitch is probably lying. She’s one of those types that would get on the cover of SkyMall and say it was always her dream. You know those bitches. I had a neighbor who was like that. She’d orgasm over everything and anything. She used to give me Christmas presents every year, so one year I bought her a cheap, ugly, generic mug from Rite-Aid at the last minute. I gave it to her and it was like I gave her a mold of The Hammaconda. She said it was so beautiful and I shouldn’t have and she’s sure I spent a lot of money on it and she’s going to use it every day. Bitch, stop. Save it, put it in the bank. I haven’t stopped rolling my eyes since.
I haven’t thought about the song No Pigeons in a million years and I hate Vogue for making me think about it again.
This mess of a picture of Lena Dunham wearing a pigeon fastener and a dress thing made of old weaves, black socks and mutilated ostriches is my favorite picture from her Vogue spread, because it’s one hundred percent stupid and sums up Anna Wintour’s feelings about all of this. After Anna’s slaves told her that they could not use the Photoshop lipo tool to hack off most of Lena’s body and make her a size zero, Anna rolled her eyes and stopped nibbling on an underage model bone to say, “Oh for fuck’s sake, put a bird on it then!”
It’s that time again for Vogue’s annual affirmative action issue when they put a trick on the cover who doesn’t weigh more than an ant’s dry queef and who is so skinny that they regularly ask salespeople, “Do you have anything smaller than a zero?” Little Critter’s long-lost human sister got the cover and her spread was shot by Annie Leibovitz and stars a Photoshopped pigeon, a topless Adam (but is there any other kind of Adam?) and an adorable dog friend. Vogue wore out all their copies of Photoshop on this mess. I don’t even think Lena posed for some of these pictures. It looks like they cut her head out of a picture and cut somebody’s body out of another picture and sloppily slapped them all on some random background. Since shitty Photoshopper Kim Kardashian would do the impossible (read: suck a white dick) to get on the cover of Vogue, Anna should’ve used that to get her to Photoshop these pictures, because even that dumb fuck would’ve done a better job.
And if you want to read Lena’s interview, click here, but you’ll probably shut down your computer, tell your boss you’re going home sick and head to the nearest bar after you read the words, “Lena Dunham: The New Queen of Comedy.”
This looks like a postcard from the giftshop in Hell. “Wish You Were Here! No, literally, I wish you were here to save me, Jesus. I haven’t even met Satan yet, but surely he can’t be any worse than Kris Jenner.”
I guess Kris didn’t have time to read the memo that says we’ve stopped giving a shit about her and her awful stable of come-to-life gargoyles because she was just too busy staring at Kim Kardashian’s new Birkin and trying to guess which one is her (“Am I the one pushing Kim out of the way? OMG it looks just like me!”). Otherwise, maybe she would have thought twice about uploading a flip book chock full of selfies, including this pic of her looking like an attention-starved melting candle, to Instagram yesterday with the caption: “Celebrate Life“. And I did; I celebrated my mom’s life by calling her and thanking her for not being anything like Kris Jenner. You know what? All of you should call your mothers today and thank them for not being Kris Jenner. Then why not celebrate your own life? Go outside and dance in the streets or sing from the highest mountain, because you weren’t born a Kardashian. Thanks, Kris! Thank you for reminding me to celebrate life!
But back to that picture. Kris looks like the Ms. February from a MILF calendar if MILF stood for ‘Man, I Love Fotoshop™’ (Fotoshop™ is the photo-editing software Kris created after Adobe refused to re-name Photoshop ‘Kardashian Komputer Korrector’). Although that may be a bit generous, because I don’t know how much of that picture is actually Kris’s body. It looks like a drunken game of exquisite corpse: Kendall’s legs, Kim’s dumpy horse butt, Khloe’s neck (for her waist), two beige Arthur George socks for the tits, Bruce Jenner’s jawline, and Kris’s eyes from 2006 (her current eyes are pulled so tight, any attempt at closing them would rip her eyebrows off).
(Pic via Instagram)
Since a Kardashian isn’t officially a Kardashian until she’s been dipped in a pot of wax, covered in strips and ripped of every hair on her body, some accused Kim Kartrashian of taking a tip from Backdoor Farrah’s “How To Be A Shit Mom” parenting book by waxing North West’s brows. After Kim Instagrammed this picture of Baby North yesterday, some accused her of Veet-ing her adorable future money maker’s eye valances. But Kim’s spokeswhore tells The Daily Mail that wax hasn’t touched North’s brows and her perfectly manicured eyebrows are a work of nature.
Kim is a lying skank and if she told me the sky was blue, I’d have to check with Pantone color swatches before believing her, but I actually think she’s spitting out the truth here. Mark this day! Yes,
Baby Seaweed Baby Nori will inherit Pimp Mama Kris and Kim’s fucked up body issues, but I don’t think they used wax to elevate that baby’s eyebrow game. They used the other Kartrashian beauty tool of choice: PHOTOSHOP!
And I’m surprised that North even has eyebrow hair and eyelashes. It’s a miracle that they didn’t burn off from Kanye West constantly fire breathing out the words, “Guess who’s the luckiest baby in the world for having God’s God as a father?” onto her face. I’m also surprised that North is smiling. In every picture I’ve seen of North West, she looks like she’s in the middle of saying, “HELP ME,” in Morse code by blinking her eyes. I wonder how they got her to smile? They probably waved emancipation papers in front of her face. Pimp Mama Kris is a cruel genius.
And here’s Kim, the slow one and Penelope leaving a cosmetic laser center yesterday. No, of course they weren’t there to laser off Penelope’s brows hair. They’re not monsters! They were there to get all the whispers of hairs lasered off of Penelope’s body. It’s never too soon to prepare your baby for bikini season!
We might owe Kim Kardashian an apology; it appears she didn’t end up using all the Photoshop for her Us Weekly cover. Staying true to her word, it looks like 10% was donated to the Pretty Little Liars marketing team to create this promo picture. New Truth. New Enemy. New Year. New Noses and Jawlines.
This is the kind of cut-and-paste job that most of us could laugh and then ignore, but not Ashley Benson. Ashley, who plays (it doesn’t matter) on Pretty Little Liars took to her Instagram to shake her head in disgust at the poor design intern who created this mess by posting the picture with the following caption:
Saw this floating around….hope it’s not the poster. Our faces in this were from 4 years ago…..and we all look ridiculous. Way too much photo shop. We all have flaws. No one looks like this. It’s not attractive.
Flaws? HAHAHAHAHA oh my god. Get back to me when you sit down for an appointment with a new dentist and the first question they ask is: “Did you recently suffer a mouth injury, or have your teeth always looked like that?”
The cast of Pretty Little Liars are near-perfect Barbie dolls in real life, so there’d really be no reason to edit this photo using the Kardashian filter in Photoshop (it’s a combination of Blur Tool and Tramp Stamp). It’s a bit heavy-handed; there’s basic clean up, and then there’s airbrushing so hard they end up looking like MAC face charts. I’ve seen more realistic faces painted on T-shirts at a Panama City Beach, FL airbrushing booth.
I don’t know if this is an early promo shot for the 5th Season of Pretty Little Liars or just some Instagram shit created by a fan, but it could be either. But either way, we don’t need to worry about the future of the person who made this; they’ve already been offered lifetime contracts by Mariah Carey, Brit Brit, and Madonna.
(Pic via Instagram)
I swear on my favorite tit that I’m not on the Kim Kardashian payroll, it’s just that this bitch is EVERYWHERE. Plus, she only pays 10% and I don’t get out of bed for less than 15 because someone needs to subsidize the high class lifestyle I lead that includes off-brand Nutella and twist-top wine.
Anyway, USWeekly‘s latest cover is Kim (no surprise) in a white bikini (even less of a surprise) with the tag lines “No gimmicks! No surgery!” and “Kim slams the fat bullies and gets her sweet revenge”, which is some well played shade. Referencing sugar when you know damn well Kim lost her weight on Atkins and hasn’t put anything sweet in her mouth since Reggie Bush packed up his dick and left!.
Everybody pick up their phones and call bullshit on “no gimmicks” because that is the exact opposite of the definition of “Kardashian”, but I can sort of buy Kim’s weight loss being surgery-free. You know, as long as they’re not factoring in the part about her gaining a pound in her lips for every ten she lost off her hips. Even if she didn’t back herself up to an empty bay at the plastic surgeon’s office to have him Shop-Vac her ass, whatever she did to her face brought her one step closer to scoring the cover for National Geograhic’s anteater issue.
Before everybody starts yelling, “Where’s your baby???”, you should know the photographer took a handful of pictures of Kim as NorthSouthEastWestU-Turn took a quick cat nap before packing up and heading back to the photo lab donated in the Kardashian family’s name by Adobe.
Yes, the baby Jesus was born just so those Kartrashian whores could pose in a dark-sided UNGODLY Khristmas Kard that’s sold exclusively in the back room of a Hallmark in the darkest part of the Ninth Circle. If you need a quick response to this bukkake of fuckery disaster, just look at that Mason kid. His body language speaks for all of us.
If Satan swallowed a Las Vegas landfill whole then diarrhea’d into the mouth of Photoshop, and if Photoshop then gorged on copies of Blade Runner and a bunch of tabloids before shitting onto a pile of broken neon signs, the end product would be more attractive and festive than the Kardashian Khristmas Kard. On last night’s not-so-special episode of the Illuminati documentary Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian brought David LaChapelle in to shoot the annual family holiday card. David didn’t want any dudes or children in the picture, because dudes and children didn’t fit in with his vision. But after the slow one drooled out a lukewarm stream of complaints about her kids not being in the picture, David agreed to shoot Mason and Penelope. David also bent the “no dudes” rule a little by letting Khloe pose in the picture.
I’d like to think that David LaChapelle is just screwing with them and they’re too stupid to figure it out. Because this is a glorious mess of symbolism from the ATM behind Kourtney to Bruce Jenner (looking like Patti Smith after surviving a meth lab explosion) trapped in a glass tube for eternity. David truly captured essence of Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and PMK, and by that I mean he made them look like the fake pieces of trash they are.
And no, Kanye wasn’t physically in the picture, but I see him everywhere. This is what the skid marks on the inside of his leather panties look like.
Continuing their storied tradition of respectful, empowering, thought-provoking awareness ads (today’s weather forecast: 4-6 inches of sarcasm) PETA has collaborated with Chilli from TLC in a campaign calling people to boycott the circus. While I can’t speak for how cruel circuses are (I haven’t watched a Dateline NBC special on it yet. Once Keith Morrison narrates it, I’m there), I can assume that lions and elephants aren’t exactly hanging around Africa thinking: “Oh boy! I hope that one day a failed model will make me balance on a stool as creepy calliope music leaves emotional scars on children for years to come! Get me in that cage!”
Chilli got done-up in tiger-striped body paint and posed in a pile of hay (my allergies just went from 0-90) to raise awareness for tigers and mostly for the misuse of Photoshop. Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the overworked graphic artists?!?
However, there’s so much WTF going on here, it’s really difficult to focus on the message. For instance, what the hell is going on with that out-of-control left eye? Did somebody just say out-of-control left eye?! NO! I refuse to make that joke; I’d break the servers with all the emails I’d get. It’s difficult for me to learn about tigers who want to escape the circus when all I can do is focus on that eye trying to escape her face. This ad doest make me want to save animals from the circus; it makes me want to save Chilli. This ad looks like it was pulled from the back of a free weekly newspaper promoting weird safari-themed sex clubs. Tip: don’t Google safari-themed sex club.
Here’s TLC and Left Eye’s stand-in Lil Mama abusing white pants waring the worst of Jo-Ann Fabrics at the AMAs on Sunday night.
(Pics via Wenn)
Here’s a white fairy who can turn into a fire-breathing demonic dragon if you fuck with her playing a white fairy who can turn into a fire-breathing demonic dragon if you fuck with her.
I know that when it comes to movie posters about fantasy shit the rule is the same rule Mariah Carey tells the minions making her album covers: PHOTOSHOP IT UNTIL YOUR FINGERS BLEED AND YOUR NAILS FALL OFF, DAHLINGS! But that face doesn’t look like the face of St. Angie Jolie. That’s probably the point. It looks like a vacuum-sealed Madonna wearing the green contacts my goth cousin bought on clearance at Sally’s Beauty and Loki horns made with Hefty bags. You know the tip of that horn has tickled Brad Pitt’s b-hole once or twice before. And I know St. Angie is the moon, the stars and God’s inspiration, but she should lose her sainthood and be thrown into a prison cell forever if she fucks up Maleficent.
More like “The Art of Letting Go of What Your Body Looks Like In Real Life.”
There’s a reason for why Mimi’s 6800-octave yodel welcomes you every time you open Photoshop and why the words “special thanks to our muse Mariah Carey” are on Photoshop’s credits. Photoshop needs Mimi to survive and Mimi needs Photoshop to survive. Mimi is the massage therapist dick to Photoshop’s Travolta b-hole. Mimi is the extra-glazed Krispy Kreme to Photoshop’s Chris Christie. Mimi is the Golden Girls marathon at 1am with a wad of Cinnamon Roll dough to Photoshop’s me. They are each other’s life blood. So of course, the cover of Mimi’s single for “The Art of Letting Go” is about 99% Adobe, 0.45% Mimi (that right eye might be her real eye) and 0.55% unicorn magic. That body belongs to Mimi as much as half of the shit in Lindsay Kleptohan’s closet belongs to her, but it’s hard to hate since Mimi is the sole reason why the children of Adobe employees ate dinner tonight. Mimi’s obsession with Photoshop is keeping Adobe alive and keep the children of Adobe employees fed!
And here’s Mimi with Patti LaBelle at BET’s Black Girls Rock event at the New Jersey Performing Arts Center in Newark on Saturday night. These pictures are meant to be viewed with Photoshop goggles on.