No wonder Beyonce’s last Instagram picture looked like it was ‘shopped with a half-broken version of Photoshop 0.07 full of dull and overused tools, because all of the Photoshop was used on this Paper Magazine cover of greasy trash coming out of a trash bag. RIP Adobe. We should’ve known you’d eventually spit out your last breath while pasting someone else’s waist on Kim Kartrashian’s extra glazed plastic ass.
Last night, thousands of people pushed away the plate of greasy, over-stuffed pork dumplings they were having for dinner and said, “Yeah no, I’m okay,” after seeing Kummy Kakes’ Photoshopped ass looking like a family of hairless warthogs oil wrestling in a trash bag. That picture of Kummy looking like a centaur Who was taken by Jean-Paul Goude who took several iconic pictures of Grace Jones back in the day.
Jean-Paul Goude also recreated his famous “champagne glass balancing on an ass” picture with Kim and it’s after the cut. Computers and fingers were broken while Photoshopping that shit.
Our Lady of Liquefy Tool Beyonce celebrated another successful week of being Beyonce by releasing a couple amateur sexyface modeling shots to her Tumblr, aka her online Barbizon portfolio. And once again, it appears that her Photoshop project manager Basement Baby decided to take a nap on an old pile of unsold House of Dereon jeans instead of going over each shot with a magnifying glass LIKE SHE’S SUPPOSED TO, because another Body by Still Learning How To Use The Blur Tool picture was posted. Get your shit together, Basement!
Part of me wants to call up Adobe and ask if they offer an on-site tutorial on waist cinching, but I think the real problem here is Beyonce. Beyonce is clearly too confident in the skills of her team of Photoshop artistes! Why else would she stand in front of vertical stripes? Beyonce should know by now that unless she wants a busted mess of wonky-ass warped lines around her waist and thighs, she cannot stand in front of a striped background! It doesn’t matter how much attention Bey tries to draw down to her SpongeBob SquarePants-looking thigh gap, all I see is that fabric fun house mirror behind her!
And I guess I’m still really confused by one thing: if you’re going to go to the trouble of Photoshopping your waist, thighs, thigh gap, pussy, tits, arms, and face, why stop at the puckered butt holes in your arm pits? That would be the first thing I would want gone! Erase my armpit butt holes!
In honor of the 10th anniversary of Mean Girls, aka the movie to which I dedicate my life’s laughter and tears (whatever the fuck that means), Tina Fey was kind enough to postpone working on her night cheese to reunite with former actress and current freckled mess Lindsay Lohan for Entertainment Weekly’s reunions issue. At least I *think* that’s supposed to be Lindsay Lohan; it actually looks more like a heavily Photoshopped/heavily sedated come-to-life Lindsay Lohan My Scene doll. Only Tina knows for sure. Tina, did it try to distract you while it rifled through your purse for pills or ask to borrow $60 million? Then it wasn’t the doll.
They also told some stories about what it was like filming Mean Girls, like this one about Lindsay Lohan sounding like the definition of 2004:
Tina: “I remember 17-year-old Lindsay was on a mission to find pink Uggs. That was, like, what she was working on. And there was one day where she tried to explain to Amy and me her beef with Hilary Duff, but we couldn’t crack it. But we were pretending we could follow it.”
Lindsay: “I had been online trying to get pink Uggs because I had a pink pleated skirt in the scene where I fall into the garbage can. I was like, ‘I need pink Uggs!’ I mean, I was rhinestoning my phone at the time with Swarovski crystals. [Laughs] So it was somewhat Method.”
That clever grifter-in-training! “I need pink Uggs! Uh…I mean…my character needs pink Uggs. Maybe a couple pairs actually. Tags on, just in case I…I mean, “my character” (wink)…decides to sell them for cash.”
Tina and the Apricot Ashtray were also joined by their Mean Girls co-stars Rachel McAdams, Lacey Chabert, and Amanda Seyfried. Wait, that’s it? No Janis Ian? No Damian? No chihuahua who tries to take a chunk out of Mrs. George’s tit? NO KEVIN GNAPOOR?!?! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you can’t have a Mean Girls reunion without math enthusiast/bad-ass MC Kevin Gnapoor!
Well, close up the polls, cancel election day and send everyone home, because what’s the point of voting now that benevolent high priestess of the universe Dame St. Angie Jolie has told Vanity Fair that in addition to saving the world, keeping the busted wig industry alive, training her child army for their eventual takeover of the planet and making room in her trophy vault for dozens of Best Director Oscar statues, she may cause the collapse of democracy by getting into the politics game. St. Angie running for political office would cause the death of democracy, because every single candidate would drop out and when we’d go to vote, the only category on the ballot would be for Dictator of YOUR LIFE and the only voting option would be Dame St. Angie Jolie. You’d have to vote in blood, of course.
During an interview about Unbroken, Vanity Fair’s Janine di Giovanni asked St. Angie if she’s interested in being a politician one day. The former president of the International Home Wreckers League tells Vanity Fair that she isn’t totally shitting on the idea of running for office:
“When you work as a humanitarian, you are conscious that politics have to be considered,” she tells di Giovanni. “Because if you really want to make an extreme change, then you have a responsibility.” Jolie then catches herself. “But I honestly don’t know in what role I would be more useful—I am conscious of what I do for a living, and that [could] make it less possible.”
In di Giovanni’s last meeting with Jolie, however, Jolie’s opinion seems to have shifted. When directly asked if she sees herself pursuing a life in politics, diplomacy, or public service, Jolie says, “I am open.”
“I am open” is the only thing every politician and wannabe politician needed to hear. George Clooney just divorced Amal Clooney, because his political dreams are over now that St. Angie is “open” to running and he doesn’t need the picture perfect politician’s wife anymore. Hillary Clinton just shredded the presidential acceptance speech she’s had on file for years and is going to make her way to Scrunchies ‘R Us to ask for an application. Chris Christie just resigned and got a job working in a bridge toll booth.
And everyone’s moving out of the White House to make way for President Dame St. Angie Jolie and her family. But Joe Biden can stay, because First Husband Brad Pitt needs a tokin’ partner.
Despite having a face like a stunning come-to-life Picasso painting, Rumer Willis has discovered that there are still plenty of uncultured beauty-hating haters out there who can’t handle her high-levels of cubist gorgeousness and she’s super pissed about it. Rumer recently hissed to Us Weekly that she was disappointed after she agreed to pose for New York-based designer Franziska Fox’s 2015 lookbook, only to discover that they had Photoshopped her to hell and back when it was released last month. THE AUDACITY! Rumer pulled out some press-ons and took a swipe at Franziska Fox like so:
“I think I would have felt very differently if I was a model who was hired to be a part of the brand. I get that there are certain things they want to change or whatever. But, if you’re hiring me to be a representative of your brand and you’re changing who I am – like drastically changing how I look [while] everybody knows how I look [by] taking away the muscle. I just thought it was odd, you know? My stylist told me about it and I was like, ‘Well, that’s fucked up.’ Then I immediately called my manager and said, ‘You know, this is unacceptable, because that’s not what I want to put out in the world and what I want to represent anyway.’”
I’m with Rumer on this one. When you hire Rumer Willis for a fashion shoot, you’re hiring the owner of the most Rumer Willis-y looking face in existence, and if you didn’t want all that red-hot chin, you should have gone with someone less visually gaw-juss. Besides, it’s next to impossible to excuse her beauty through Photoshop; there’s no de-tater tool strong enough to erase all that exquisite FACE. True tater beauty shines through!
But the most important take-away from all of this is: Rumer Willis isn’t a model? My whole world just turned upside down! What does Rumer do then? Exist solely as a gorgeous Russet goddess that was pulled from the dirt fields of Idaho? I’m sure that’s it.
And here are the Photoshopped pictures in question. If I were Rumer, the thing that would have pissed me off the most was putting me in a pair of pants that almost exposed my down-low tater-tot.
An L.A. Lawyer Has Been Photoshopping Herself Into Pictures With Random Celebrities And Passing Them Off As Clients
In “You should know better, you’re a goddamn lawyer” news, a Los Angeles lawyer named Svitlana Sangary is in deep legal shit this week after she got caught Photoshopping herself into pictures with an assortment of high-profile celebrities and posting them to her website in an attempt to lure in new clients. The Daily Mails says that shady bitch Svitlana Photoshopped herself rubbing elbows with more than 50 celebrities, including George Clooney, Jamie Foxx, Barbra Streisand, Donald Trump, and Leo DiCaprio. She even went so far as to Photoshop herself into a picture with President Barack Obama. And I guess she was also trying to corner the lucrative trash market, because she also Photoshopped herself into a picture with Paris Hilton and High Klass Hooker Kim. Hey, dumb assholes need legal representation too, right?
Unfortunately, it was pretty obvious the pics were fake, because several of them showed Svitlana looking like a damn life-sized cardboard cut-out. That stupid bitch forgot to use different pictures of herself! That’s when the State Bar stepped in and asked the Supreme Court to suspend her license for six months and put her on probation for three years for “deceptive advertising”, aka trying to trick people into thinking she was the A-list attorney to the STAHS!
Beyoncé really needs to book Basement Baby into an 8-week intensive night school class at the Adult Learning Annex, because this shit is getting ridiculous. Bey recently released some pictures of her celebrating her 33rd birth-bey (you know she calls it that) on a yacht in the South of France, but it looks like she had more important shit to do, like planning out her next publicity-humping long-term stunt with Jay Camel, because she clearly didn’t go over proofs with a fine-toothed wig comb. If she had, maybe she would have caught Basement’s sloppy ‘shop job on her thigh gap in this bikini pic before they went up. This isn’t the first time Beyoncé has ordered one of her minions to fuck around with her thighs, but it’s definitely the most obvious. Like Miss Cleo says: THE CARDS DON’T LIE!
This morning, NBC released the first picture of Marnie from Girls and Brian Williams’ daughter, Allison Williams, in full Peter Pan drag for their Peter Pan Live! musical ship wreck extravaganza. At first my eyes saw Justin Bieber, but Allison Williams’ guns are way too loaded to belong to the Biebs and she’s making a “just had a root canal” face instead of his signature “having ass sex while constipated as hell” face.
When NBC first announced that Allison Williams won the role of Peter Pan by calling them up and saying, “I am the daughter of NBC’s sweetheart and I want to play Peter Pan,” I prayed to the busted wig gods that her wig would be as busted as the wig Zoe Saldana wore in NBC’s butchering of Rosemary’s Baby. They didn’t totally disappoint and I’m pretty sure they recycled Zoe’s shitty, polyester mop for this. But in Allison’s defense, she did offer to take a Flowbee to her luscious Breck Girl locks for the role. You know, because Allison is a serious Thespian who is 100% loyal to her craft and would definitely miss out on a possible future multi-million dollar haircare endorsement by taking a machete to her hair for some messy NBC musical. Allison said this about the wig situation on Today:
“I sort of very tentatively offered to cut my hair, I was like, ‘You know, if it’s a thing that would help I could cut my hair,’ and they were like, ‘You’re welcome to do that, we’re still gonna put you in a wig.’”
Judging by those hot Spandex biker shorts and that fishnet-sleeved top (which was previously worn by an extra in Pat Benatar’s video for “Love Is A Battlefield”), I’m guessing that this Peter Pan is set in the 80s (I WISH). Or the second store on the right in Neverland is a Hot Topic. Either way, I can’t wait for this beautiful mess.
Barbra Streisand popped her Instagram cherry the other day by posting this casual picture of her being casual in her casual backyard with her casual dog Samantha. I don’t even think Barbra knows that the camera is there! It’s that candid. That isn’t backlighting. That’s God smiling behind her.
Barbra is so generous to share this intimate moment with her fans. When 72-year-old Barbra isn’t raising the worldwide cholesterol levels with her buttery voice, she spontaneously lounges on a lounge chair right after workers from Madame Tussauds slather gallons of wax all over her mug, a mortician sprays her down with thermogenic makeup, three stylists dress her up like a powerful pilgrim business woman, Ken Paves tends to her bitch’s hair and a choreographer arranges her in the perfect pose. And while Barbra casually lounges, team of graphic artists stretch their fingers on the sidelines as they prepare themselves for all the retouch work they’re about to do. So casual, so “laissez-faire” as Samantha would say if she could speak human words out loud, because that fancy bitch definitely speaks French.
Or maybe that’s not Barbra Streisand at all…. Maybe Barbra’s Instagram team got confused and accidentally posted a still of Jennifer Aniston as Reverend Henry Kane in a reboot of Poltergeist 2. It’s hard to tell. Whatever the case may be, I hope this is the only picture that Barbra Instagrams, because nothing can top it.
And in other Barbra news, The National Enquirer says that Barbra’s marriage to James Brolin is “on the rocks” after she caught him eye-fucking the whore of all whores at some party. Radar put it like this:
Barbra Streisand is furious with husband James Brolin for keeping up with Kim Kardashian. RadarOnline.com has learned that Babs accused her man of ogling the reality star during a recent event — and it’s causing a marriage crisis!
According to the new issue of The National ENQUIRER, Streisand “hit the roof” when she found out that Brolin leered at none other than “boob-licious” Kardashian at an A-list party.
James Brolin wasn’t “ogling.” James was staring, because he couldn’t take his eyes off of that slow-moving train wreck while telling himself that he’s so lucky to be married to an all-natural blossom like Barbra.
Here’s a few pictures of Barbra leaving a Memorial Day party in May. You know, I’m pretty sure that the stunning Instagram picture above is Barbra in her natural state and these pictures below were highly Photoshopped. Barbra obviously asked the photo agency to Photoshop her until she looked human so the public wouldn’t be threatened by her alien-like beauty.
The last time Xtina had a baby growing in her body, she took off all her maternity panties, got her minions to roll her in a kiddie pool full of Tang and posed bump ass naked in a cover photo shoot for Marie Claire that Photoshop is still recovering from. Since Xtina is currently carrying Matt Rutler’s future blank check, she has once again taken off all her clothes while Photoshop shakes with fear over all the work that’s about to come. Because what is the point of being a knocked up famous ho if you’re not going to show off your knocked up naked body in a magazine? If you’re a knocked up famous ho and you don’t pose naked for public eyes, are you really pregnant?
Xtina tells V Magazine that before she births out the adorable ATM that will make sparkly dollar signs shine in Matt Rutler’s eyes, she wanted one of her favorite photographers Brian Bowen Smith to capture her pregnant body and she also felt like too much time has passed since she’s made Photoshop scream for mercy. In the above shot, Xtina’s trying to look like she’s gracefully covering her salad plate nipple while she airs out her armpit and bathes her body in
light bulb rays sunlight, but she’s obviously making veins in her butt lips burst by holding in a pregnant fart hard and she’s thinking about how a bitch needs to give her a chair, because she doesn’t know how much more her swole ankles can take. In another shot, Xtina’s trying to look like she’s gracefully lying on her back as her ass crack-flashing piece delicately kisses her upside/down, but it looks like her throat is throbbing from holding in an acid reflux burp. So artistic. So beautiful. So special.
Xtina said this to V about being pregnant:
“As a woman, I’m proud to embrace my body through all stages of life, staying fearless and confident in surrendering to the unknowns the future has in store.”
Translation: “I’m proud to embrace my body, but only if it’s Photoshopped to the next dimension and back. I’m also happy to give Photoshop some work. Adobe can’t put all their eggs in Mimi’s basket.”
And here’s a few more of Xtina’s pregnant naked body. Warning: PREGNANT NIPPLES AHEAD!