Yes, the baby Jesus was born just so those Kartrashian whores could pose in a dark-sided UNGODLY Khristmas Kard that’s sold exclusively in the back room of a Hallmark in the darkest part of the Ninth Circle. If you need a quick response to this bukkake of fuckery disaster, just look at that Mason kid. His body language speaks for all of us.
If Satan swallowed a Las Vegas landfill whole then diarrhea’d into the mouth of Photoshop, and if Photoshop then gorged on copies of Blade Runner and a bunch of tabloids before shitting onto a pile of broken neon signs, the end product would be more attractive and festive than the Kardashian Khristmas Kard. On last night’s not-so-special episode of the Illuminati documentary Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian brought David LaChapelle in to shoot the annual family holiday card. David didn’t want any dudes or children in the picture, because dudes and children didn’t fit in with his vision. But after the slow one drooled out a lukewarm stream of complaints about her kids not being in the picture, David agreed to shoot Mason and Penelope. David also bent the “no dudes” rule a little by letting Khloe pose in the picture.
I’d like to think that David LaChapelle is just screwing with them and they’re too stupid to figure it out. Because this is a glorious mess of symbolism from the ATM behind Kourtney to Bruce Jenner (looking like Patti Smith after surviving a meth lab explosion) trapped in a glass tube for eternity. David truly captured essence of Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and PMK, and by that I mean he made them look like the fake pieces of trash they are.
And no, Kanye wasn’t physically in the picture, but I see him everywhere. This is what the skid marks on the inside of his leather panties look like.
Continuing their storied tradition of respectful, empowering, thought-provoking awareness ads (today’s weather forecast: 4-6 inches of sarcasm) PETA has collaborated with Chilli from TLC in a campaign calling people to boycott the circus. While I can’t speak for how cruel circuses are (I haven’t watched a Dateline NBC special on it yet. Once Keith Morrison narrates it, I’m there), I can assume that lions and elephants aren’t exactly hanging around Africa thinking: “Oh boy! I hope that one day a failed model will make me balance on a stool as creepy calliope music leaves emotional scars on children for years to come! Get me in that cage!”
Chilli got done-up in tiger-striped body paint and posed in a pile of hay (my allergies just went from 0-90) to raise awareness for tigers and mostly for the misuse of Photoshop. Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the overworked graphic artists?!?
However, there’s so much WTF going on here, it’s really difficult to focus on the message. For instance, what the hell is going on with that out-of-control left eye? Did somebody just say out-of-control left eye?! NO! I refuse to make that joke; I’d break the servers with all the emails I’d get. It’s difficult for me to learn about tigers who want to escape the circus when all I can do is focus on that eye trying to escape her face. This ad doest make me want to save animals from the circus; it makes me want to save Chilli. This ad looks like it was pulled from the back of a free weekly newspaper promoting weird safari-themed sex clubs. Tip: don’t Google safari-themed sex club.
Here’s TLC and Left Eye’s stand-in Lil Mama abusing white pants waring the worst of Jo-Ann Fabrics at the AMAs on Sunday night.
(Pics via Wenn)
Here’s a white fairy who can turn into a fire-breathing demonic dragon if you fuck with her playing a white fairy who can turn into a fire-breathing demonic dragon if you fuck with her.
I know that when it comes to movie posters about fantasy shit the rule is the same rule Mariah Carey tells the minions making her album covers: PHOTOSHOP IT UNTIL YOUR FINGERS BLEED AND YOUR NAILS FALL OFF, DAHLINGS! But that face doesn’t look like the face of St. Angie Jolie. That’s probably the point. It looks like a vacuum-sealed Madonna wearing the green contacts my goth cousin bought on clearance at Sally’s Beauty and Loki horns made with Hefty bags. You know the tip of that horn has tickled Brad Pitt’s b-hole once or twice before. And I know St. Angie is the moon, the stars and God’s inspiration, but she should lose her sainthood and be thrown into a prison cell forever if she fucks up Maleficent.
More like “The Art of Letting Go of What Your Body Looks Like In Real Life.”
There’s a reason for why Mimi’s 6800-octave yodel welcomes you every time you open Photoshop and why the words “special thanks to our muse Mariah Carey” are on Photoshop’s credits. Photoshop needs Mimi to survive and Mimi needs Photoshop to survive. Mimi is the massage therapist dick to Photoshop’s Travolta b-hole. Mimi is the extra-glazed Krispy Kreme to Photoshop’s Chris Christie. Mimi is the Golden Girls marathon at 1am with a wad of Cinnamon Roll dough to Photoshop’s me. They are each other’s life blood. So of course, the cover of Mimi’s single for “The Art of Letting Go” is about 99% Adobe, 0.45% Mimi (that right eye might be her real eye) and 0.55% unicorn magic. That body belongs to Mimi as much as half of the shit in Lindsay Kleptohan’s closet belongs to her, but it’s hard to hate since Mimi is the sole reason why the children of Adobe employees ate dinner tonight. Mimi’s obsession with Photoshop is keeping Adobe alive and keep the children of Adobe employees fed!
And here’s Mimi with Patti LaBelle at BET’s Black Girls Rock event at the New Jersey Performing Arts Center in Newark on Saturday night. These pictures are meant to be viewed with Photoshop goggles on.
I had to check the calendar to make sure I hadn’t fallen into an 8-week stupor and woken up on Dec. 25, because this morning I found a very special gift waiting for me on the internet (the internet is our shared Christmas Tree). Britney Jean Spears has unveiled the album art for her eighth studio album, Britney Jean, as well as a hand-written (drunk scrawled?) note.
I have SO MANY THOUGHTS about this album art right now, it’s as if my brain was just doused with an expired bottle of Midnight Fantasy. First, this photo of Britney looks like someone sent an assistant down to Hollywood and Highland to push past the Spiderman impersonators and find the guy who sells 8×10 graphite pencil portraits of celebrities for $9.99. Second, that neon heart logo is giving me shades of Cocktail, and I’m down with any and all references to a movie where Tommy Girl treats us to butch realness (see also: All the Right Moves). And finally, THAT NAME. “Britney Jean” is the name of the classiest lady who works at a Yankee Candle outlet in Bunkie, LA. It’s so perfect.
Okay, on to this letter. Britney (or an intern who’s being punished for fucking up yesterday’s Starbucks order) writes:
I haven’t sat down to write you guys in SUCH a long time. Long overdue! We’re all so used to getting our thoughts out in 140 characters, but sometimes its nice to take time to sit down and write something a little longer and more personal. I am putting the finishing touches on my new album, “Britney Jean” over the next few days and I am so excited for you to hear it. I poured my heart and soul into this album and it’s been an incredible journey. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and as I am finishing, I am reminded of the incredible foundation that has supported me for the last 15 years. Thank you all for continuing to follow me on this journey and for allowing me to do what I love to do. I can’t believe this is my eighth studio album and I know I keep telling you that it is my most personal record yet, but its true and I’m really proud of that.
I have been through a lot in the past few years and it has really inspired me to dig deeper and write songs that I think everyone can relate to. Working with people like Sia, William Orbit, and of course Will.i.am has been an amazing experience. They have listened to all of my ideas and helped me bring them to life. There are a lot of really fun, upbeat dance songs, but it was important to me that I show my strength, and my attitude, and my vulnerability. Of course, I also have some surprises for you guys
I want to show you the different sides of Britney Spears. I am a performer. I am a Mom. I am funny. I am your friend! I am Britney Jean.
Hope you love my labor of love!
“Incredible foundation that has supported me for the last 15 years” ie. Chester Cheetah, the good people at No Doz, Daddy Spears’s cheese grits, sweatpants. All jokes aside, I really want to know about these “surprises” she has in store for us; I honestly thought I couldn’t learn anymore about Brit-Brit after watching every episode of Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. I love the end of that letter; it reads like the list you give to someone who wakes up from a coma.
“Why am I wearing this cordless mic? (Checks list) Oh right, I’m a performer.”
“Who are these tiny Frapp-covered small people? (Checks list) It appears I’m a Mom; these must be my kids.”
“This guy claiming to be my boyfriend needs me to sign his pay check. What’s my name? (Checks list) Britney Jean? That’s weird, I don’t see anything on this list about working at Yankee Candle…”
(Pic via Britney Spears)
NBC hates you and is still going through with this fuckery even though everybody asked them to please stop before it’s too late! They released the first poster for The Sound of Music Live! starring Carrie Underwood as Maria von Trapp and the hills are alive with the sound of graphic artists tapping at their keys while Photoshopping this disaster of a poster. How do you solve a problem like this poster?
NBC also announced that the cast will include Tony winners Audra McDonald as Mother Abbess, Laura Benanti as Elsa Schrader and Christian Borle as Max Dettweiler. Vampire Beehl (aka Stephen Moyer) will play Captain Georg Von Trapp. Audra McDonald, Laura Benanti, who played Maria on Broadway, and even Christian Borle in a yellow yarn wig would make a better Maria than Carrie.
But that poster.
It looks like a cross between a dental ad and a box of Swiss Miss. It looks like an ad for Swiss Miss’ new line of cocoa-flavored whitening strips. That poster is terrifying and it almost looks like aryan propaganda.
I just hope this is going to be the campy nightmare that poster promises it to be.
Somebody scream for Buffy Summers and Blade, because that life-sucking cave demon Tracy Anderson is on the loose and has “transformed” Brit Brit’s Cheeto ball chichis into the chest of a factory-defected generic Ken doll sold at the 99 Cent Store.
This is the cover for Brit Brit’s new single “Work Bitch!” and the only bitches who worked hard on this were the Photoshop artists. They used their tools to chip away most of her arms. On two positive notes: I do like that they chose a picture where she’s making an all-natural “Will you take th’ gosh darn pitcher, mah $15 MacDonald’s bucket is waitin’ fo’ me” face and I do love that the mesh on her costume makes it look like she’s wearing one of those painted-on pecs t-shirts. Those need to make a comeback.
Tyra Banks paid tribute to 15 iconic (her word, not mine) supermodels and since she can’t pay tribute to anyone without paying tribute to herself, she dressed up like all of them. The First Lady of Crazy tweeted 3 of the 15 pictures and claims that it was all done with make-up and posing and none of the pictures were touched by Photoshop. Jezebel says that all 15 portraits were photographed by Udo Spreitzenbarth and will be displayed at Jack Studios in NYC, because this shit is art! The 15 supermodels that TyTy does herself up as include Cindy Crawford (above), Kate Moss, Cara Delevigne, Jerry Hall, Linda Evangelista, Twiggy, Lauren Hutton, Iman, Brooke Shields, Claudia Schiffer, Grace Jones, Carmen Dell’Orefice, Kate Upton, Karlie Kloss and OF COURSE a 15-year-old Tyra Banks.
Tyra needs to re-educate herself, because less than half of those models are considered icons. Where’s Phoebe Price?! Where’s Angelyne? And no Naomi Campbell?! I guess that feud lives on.
Anyway, here’s TyTy as Kate Moss:
She’s looking like a scared and cold Smeagol who eats nothing but the toe nails of children and hasn’t taken a satisfying shit in years. NAILED IT! And here’s Ty Ty as Cara Delewhatevervingne:
Jezebel points out that some crazy bitches on Twatter are looking at these pictures and screaming WHITEFACE. They don’t think it’s right for a black person to put on whiteface since it’s not right for a white person to put on blackface. No, whiteface is not a real thing that exists. What really offends me is the fact that Tyra is trying to say these weren’t Photoshopped and it really REALLY offends me that she didn’t give any credit to my chola cousin who regularly used baby powder as a cover-up, because she said she wanted to look like a dramatic clown all the time.
When Cher tweeted the cover of her new album a few days ago, some hating haters said that this picture was nowhere near close to the truth and said that the fingers of several graphic artists must be wrapped in casts from overworking themselves while Photoshopping this golden mess. I didn’t know what they were talking about, because Cher doesn’t need Photoshop since she always looks like every Photoshop tool was used on her. Covering her entire body in wax and getting a face lift a day does that to a person. Sure, the photographer smeared five jars of Vaseline on the lens and all the contrast was used on this picture, but underneath all of that it looks like Cher (with a drop of Courtney Stodden and a sporkful of Xtina) to me.
Cher responded to the Photoshop criers by tweeting the “raw” image:
See, you bitches can shut it! Cher’s arm and titty skin isn’t that smooth from Photoshop. It’s smooth because she gets a full-body Botox transfusion when she awakens in her tomb at sundown. And without Photoshop, Cher’s face still looks like it’s pulled so tight that if she yawns it’ll snap off her head, fly across the room and stick to the wall. Cher doesn’t need Photoshop!
And in related news, Brit Brit’s label announced that the cover of her 2011 album Femme Fatale is going to be replaced, because Cher didn’t do it first, but she did do it better.
Mrs. Chad Kroeger who’s married to Mr. Avril Lavigne (Tip: If you ever want to get into the backroom in Hell, just repeat those 9 words and you’ll get in. It’s the password.) has a new self-titled album coming out and this is the cover for it. This is some next level Taylor Momsen shit. Bitch looks like a 14-year-old panda who’s crying while being interrogated by the police for getting caught snorting bath salts in the back of a pick-up parked in a Walmart parking lot. Wait, did I just say she looked 14. That’s a huge step, because she normally acts like she’s 12. Our little Emo is growing up!