If there was a Harpo, Who Dis Woman Museum, this fairy tale of a picture would be the crown jewel in its collection.
You can always count on the reigning Empress of Photoshop, Mimi, to keep Adobe in business by using every copy of Photoshop to make her latest album cover. When I opened Photoshop the other day, it immediately quit on me and now I know way. All of its energy was spent on making this album cover look like an oil paining portrait of a Mariah Carey wax figure that was made in the late 90s. This shit looks like Big Ang posing a fun house mirror. It looks like they just copy + pasted a different dress on the cover for Mimi’s #1′s album from 1998.
Yesterday, the Butterfly Unicornie Hello Kitty Rainbow Princess released the cover art for her newest greatest hits album called #1 To Infinity. That cover was Photoshopped to infinity and beyond. But you know, it wouldn’t be a Mimi album cover if it didn’t have more special effects than a James Cameron movie. Mimi truly is a grand master catfisher and the Patron Saint of Adobe.
And here’s the real Mimi in NYC the other day.
If you know someone who runs one of those charities that donates eyeglasses to the needy, now would be the time to point them in the direction of Lindsay Lohan, because bitch is clearly going blind if she can’t see how truly messy those stairs are behind her.
Yesterday, the itchy drug-resistant rash America gave to England posted a picture of herself wearing one of those waist trainers to Twitter. And just like the last time she tried to post a sexy body selfie, the right side of her body was lousy with janky Photoshop fuckery and a bunch of people called her ass out for it. Sidebar: you know you’re dealing with a truly busted photo when the giant pair of pastel green spandex-wrapped pussy lips aren’t thing first thing your eyes are drawn to.
Of course, once the Apricot Ashtray realized that she’d been caught trying to shrink her waist with the liquify tool, she yanked the picture. A little while later, she uploaded it once again, this time with a set of stairs that didn’t look like they weren’t built by Salvador Dali. But it was too late. Everyone already saw those warped stairs and floor tiles. Sweet Jesus, those floor tiles! If that’s not the result of shitty Photoshop, then HGTV’s Scott McGillivray better get his hot ass to whatever severely flood-damaged basement Lohan took this picture in and fix it.
How many times does this kind of crap have to happen before famous vain types will finally learn to stop posing in front of stairs if they plan on sneakily Photoshopping the hell out of themselves? Stairs will rat you out every time!
Well, at least it’s not as bad as the last time Lindsay Lohan tried to Photoshop her ass, I guess.
Since Lindsay Lohan is currently unemployed and doing not much of anything besides kissing Kardashian family ass, you’d think she would use some of that free time to sit her freckled ass down and learn how to Photoshop. But you’d be wrong, because unless Photoshop starts paying her bills, she isn’t going to waste a single second on that shit. And that’s how busted pictures like this are born!
The Apricot Ashtray is still in Paris teaching French rats how to cook, Ratatouille-style, and claiming it as community service hours (NO – she’s there for fashion week), and last night she posted the above picture to Instagram of herself looking like Dancing Pumpkin Guy’s rode hard put away extra thirsty second cousin in a room at the Plaza Athénée, and unless the Plaza Athénée is a carnival-themed hotel and she’s staying in the Fun House Suite, something is very wrong with the ass end of her body. Either she tried to make her ass bigger by pulling it out or tried to shrink her waist and thighs. But I think no matter what she did, we can all agree that it’s a damn mess.
Then again, years of partying, fame whoring, and dollar store spray tans might have done long-term damage to her brain, so maybe this image is actually an accurate representation of what LiLo sees. “Hey, something’s wrong with the door frame – why isn’t it all squiggly?”
The poor soul who does PR for Canada’s perpetually constipated-looking preteen hamster boy, Justin Bieber! Congratulations, whoever you are – you really outdid yourself this time. Justin Bieber’s I’m A Big Boy Now tour is still making stops in whatever town will have him, and this time he’s proving he’s a big boy now in Men’s Health magazine. Yes, you read that correctly. Not Boy’s Health or Douchey Spoiled Brat’s Health, but Men’s Health. Does anyone have a dictionary handy to double-check that the definition of the word men is still the same and that we didn’t wake up in some upside-down opposite world this morning?
Justin also brought with him his in-house de-infant Photoshop team to make him look extra buff in the body, and it looks like they worked out whatever kinks they had during his CK training pants campaign (crotch bulge shadows look off, face still looks like child), because I almost believe he no longer has the body of a malnourished baby squirrel. Justin also wants you to know that along with his buff new body, he also has thoughts.
When a supposedly SANS PHOTOSHOP picture of Cindy Crawford in her underwear and one of old Cruella de Vil’s old Friday night fuck dusters from a Marie Claire Mexico shoot hit the internet, most of us gave Cindy a slow clap for serving up some 48-year-old mother of two body-oddy-oddy and keeping it real in the waist and face area. However, if there was anyone not joining in on the slow clapping for Cindy Crawford’s SANS PHOTOSHOP pic, it was probably Cindy Crawford, because according to the photographer who took it, that pic is a LIE.
TMZ says that a lawyer for Cindy’s photographer is claiming that the picture of a real-looking Cindy Crawford is fake as hell and is threatening the people who released it with a lawsuit unless they take it down and issue and apology. According to the photographer who shot Cindy, that SANS PHOTOSHOP picture is actually BEAUCOUP DE PHOTOSHOP; they claim some shady asshole type stole the pic and went hard on her tummy with the burn tool in Photoshop to make her look old and stretch mark-y on purpose.
Meanwhile, Cindy’s response has been a little more subtle; the day after the picture was released, Cindy’s husband (and the Gretchen Wieners to George Clooney’s Regina George) Rande Gerber posted a picture of Cindy in a bikini to Instagram showing what her stomach really looks like. Then again, it could also be Photoshopped to hell and back. WHO KNOWS? I’m sure the truth is out there, but Mulder and Scully have better things to do than solve the mystery of the Photoshopped former supermodel tummy.
If it’s true and that SANS PHOTOSHOP picture is, in fact, Photoshopped to hell and back, then I can’t help but wonder what kind of bitch would wanna do Cindy dirty like that. Can someone check Adobe’s records to see if they recently licensed a copy of Photoshop under the name “Naomi Campbell“?
Cinderella’s face is like “I sure hope my internal digestive organs are somewhere back there, because they sure as hell aren’t located in my stomach area anymore.” When the trailer for Disney’s latest live-action cash grab Cinderella was released earlier this week, some people couldn’t help but notice that it looked like Jaq and Gus-Gus went to work on Cinderelly’s waist with the liquefy tool in Photoshop. It was very very tiny. Even cartoon Sleeping Beauty was like “Oh shit girl, what is that, 7 inches?”
Since everything is a lie and nothing is the truth anymore, BuzzFeed contacted the actress who plays Cinderella, Lily James, and asked her point-blank just how many pixels Disney deleted from her stomach area. Her agent got back to them and said that Lily’s waist wasn’t touched by a computer and her waist looks that way because she’s wrapped up in a corset.
I have no idea if that’s a real waist or a fake waist, but I will say this: that picture is making me uncomfortable for a whole different reason. All that satin and tulle is giving me some hard-core flashbacks to my figure skating years, and let me tell you, satin is NO ONE’S FRIEND, especially when it comes to figure skating costumes. The only costume I ever felt truly comfortable in was this felt hippo number with padding all around the gut and the ass. And no, it wasn’t for a routine set to “Baby Got Back” (I wish. Although I did once skate to “Achy Breaky Heart”, but that’s a story for another day).
Here’s Lily James in real life working a real-life looking waist at the Cinderella premiere at the Berlin Film Festival today with Cate Blanchett, Richard Madden, and Helena Bonham Carter, so you can be the judge as to whether or not Disney went all Beyonce on her middle:
I didn’t know Anne Geddes was a People Magazine photographer.
Christina Aguilera is an old-fashioned kind of famous trick. She’s not going to put pictures of her new baby’s face on Instagram for free, because that’s bougie and doesn’t make sense IN THIS ECONOMY. Xtina has makeup artist bills and allowances (read: her fiance’s) to pay, so she put her baby to work and is going to get that $$$. Xtina’s second child was pulled out of her bronzer-covered womb all the way back in August, but she’s promoting the new season of The Voice so right now is the best time for her to get some promo.
Summer Rain is making a Reddit Hawk face. Either she’s really excited to learn all the details about Johnny & Amber’s island wedding or this is the exact moment when her mother whispered the words, “Your government name really is Summer Rain,” into her ear and she said “WUT?” to herself before crying over the foolery of it all.
People not only got pictures from Xtina (you can see another not as ‘Shopped picture here), but they also got words from her too:
On meeting Summer Rain for the first time: “I was speechless. She was literally like an angel … We had an immediate calm bond, and I felt unexplainably connected to her and her spirit.”
On how she’s saving money on electricity bills because Summer Rain’s smile is like a light bulb: “Her smile lights up a room and I know it melts mama and daddy’s hearts. She laughs a ton and is easy to make smile. She just wants to be where the action is!”
On doing The Voice and being a mom at the same time: “It’s definitely not easy juggling work and motherhood, as being a parent is a full-time job within itself. You just have to make it work for you. My life has so many different moving parts, but my kids are the center focal piece, and everything else shifts around them.”
I get that Xtina is one of the vanguards of the Photoshop movement and is usually Photoshopped into another dimension, but Photoshopping a baby? They Photoshopped that child so much that it almost looks like Summer Rain couldn’t make the shoot so they used the most famous star in Hollywood, the American Sniper baby, instead. What’s next? Celebrities Photoshopping the ultrasound pics of their fetus before posting it on Instagram? (“Why didn’t I think of that?!” – Kim Kartrashian)
Uh oh, that’s a plus-sized person? I’m secretly hoping she’s actually a 9-foot tall giant with a 58-inch waist, because I’m on my second Starbucks muffin and I’d really like to enjoy it without the overwhelming feeling of remorse my bloated bitch-ass stomach is pushing on me.
Yesterday we saw what the cover of this year’s Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Issue looked like (Illustrated being the key word, since it looked like someone drew Hannah Davis’ body in MS Paint) and we found out that they were making the suh brave decision to include an advertisement featuring a plus-size model. But as it turns out, the model in the ad isn’t technically first plus-size model in the issue. That honor goes to Australian plus-size model Robyn Lawley is. UsWeekly says Robyn is a 25-year-old “blogger-slash-painter-slash-author-slash-DJ” and is a size 10. She’s also currently very pregnant, so don’t expect to see her those busted snakeskin bikini bottoms any time soon.
Robyn is one of the SI swimsuit rookies this year, and she appears to be posing down at the ol’ watering hole. And here she is Photoshopped to look like she’s dry humping the bow of a canoe, because why not:
If she’s actually posing on that canoe and not green screened onto it, Andy Serkis-style, then she is legitimately the bravest model that ever lived. The canoe up at my cottage is always filled to the brim with thousands of dock spiders and I would be terrified that if I sat on the canoe like Robyn is, one would crawl into my cooch and lay eggs in it. “Yeah, we don’t have our babies in open sewer grates” hissed canoe spiders everywhere.
Well, I guess the Coppertone Girl really is all grown up.
It was truly a night of pussies on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night. He debuted the pussylicious cover of Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition and did the Saved By The Bell reunion co-starring big pussy Mario Lopez (no offense to big pussies). I wish the Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition and Saved By The Bell would have joined forces and put Miss Bliss in a two-piece on the cover. But instead of doing that, Sports Illustrated put 24-year-old Hannah Davis on the cover. I know Hannah Davis because she’s been Derek Jeter’s on-and-off piece for 2 years. I wonder if he gives her a gentlemanly gift basket of autographed memorabilia every time they break up.
This is Hannah’s first time on the cover and her third time in the issue. This is the same issue where Sports Illustrated made the bold decision to feature a plus-size model in an ad they were paid for. How bold and heroic of them! SI: Swimsuit Edition is pretty much for straight dudes, so I get why she’s doing the “pulling my chonies down in the middle of this farm in Tennessee” pose on the cover, but damn they broke all the copies of Photoshop while working on this one. Mimi took a break from screaming at her in-house Photoshop artist about shaving 5 more inches off of her waist to look at this cover and say, “Too far, dahlings, too far.” The cover looks like an oil painting of a shape-shifting Thundercat who is in the middle of morphing into Jennifer Lawrence.
I can’t wait for next year’s cover which will probably feature a spread-eagled naked model with nothing but a piece of nylon floss tied around her clit. A clit-kini!
And here’s some pictures from last August of Hannah Davis in her human form.
Okay, maybe one or two comments. I will say that when InTouch Weekly badly Photoshops lipstick, rouge and a smart scarf from Lord & Taylor onto Bruce Jenner, he gives us “politician’s wife” glamour. Still hotter than any Kartrashian.