If you’re already bored with this Rob Kartrashian and Blac Chyna melodrama and that headline has made you sleepier than Kourtney Kartrashian’s thought process, then let me just say that it was either post about this or that goddamn vegan baby butthole story that people won’t stop sending me. Although, writing about that vegan baby butthole story may be better than writing about these buttholes…
Allison already told us about how Rob could be hit with criminal revenge porn charges for getting revenge on Chyna by posting pictures of her nipples and Little Chynatown on Instagram and Twitter. Chyna’s lawyer, Walter Mosley, said that she’s considering her legal options, and well, she’s considered those options and is now taking action. And she’s brought in the Princess of Legal Press Conferences Lisa Bloom to help her.
Anybody who has ever read the Declaration of Independence knows of this highly important passage:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of flashing your ass cheeks on the ho stroll for some quick pap attention.
And 241 years after our founding fathers approved that message, here is human sparkler Phoebe Price making them proud by flashing her ass cheeks on the ho stroll for some quick pap attention.
Whenever any holiday rolls around, I tell myself that I can’t fully start celebrating it until my eyes have been covered with gorgeous pictures of Chicken Cutlets flashing her farm fresh poultry parts in a themed photo shoot for the paps. For this Fourth of July, PP once again proved that she’s the hardest-working American of all-time by doing not one, not two, but three patriotic photo-ops for the paps. She did one at the park with her dog Henry Price, one at the beach (see: her filling the Malibu air with clouds of pure grace while spreading her chicken wings wide) and third at a gas station. PP is so dedicated to giving us the people a serving of beauty and gentility that she took a dangerous risk by posing at a gas station. That entire station could’ve gone up in flames from the gas being exposed to the ginger rays of pure hotness that shoot off of PP.
And if you stop at a gas station today while driving back from your Fourth of July celebrations, make sure to pull down your bottoms and flash those nalgitas as a tribute to this great American ginger hero!
Because we here at Dlisted take the 2000-ish anniversary of the reboot of Jesus very seriously, we’re taking the day off to go to Catholic mass (read: find a liquor store that’s open because my stupid ass just realized that I’m mostly out of the nectar of the gods) and pray to our lord and savior (read: pray to God to have pity on me while I’m bent over a toilet and throwing up a vomit stream of rum and Snickers eggs).
So I leave you with these pictures of Dlisted’s lord and savior, Phoebe Price, demurely bending over as her dog Henry thinks, “For real, why me?“, during an Easter-themed photo shoot on the ho stroll. No holiday is complete until we’ve all seen pictures of PP serving up a double dose of freckled chicken paillard while gorgeously dressed for the season. I am raising several glasses to Jesus this afternoon, because if he never rose from the dead, the world would’ve missed out on these pictures of Chicken Cutlets bringing Easter glamour and beauty to the stroll. And in nearly every picture, PP’s adorable sidekick Henry Price is thinking to himself, “I really do blame you for this, Jesus.”
Those of you who are educated in the important subject of Phoebe Price may have figured that she’s in DC right now, because as the nation’s premiere seat filler, her services are needed at the inauguration. But I doubt they can afford her going rate (a ticket on Southwest and a food voucher to Dairy Queen), so instead, she delivered gigantic amounts of star power and glamour at the grand opening of World of Wonder’s art exhibit Surviving Trump: The Art of Resistance in L.A. last night.
Chicken Cutlets worked the ho stroll outside of the exhibit in a $10 million Cartier diamond choker (read: a $14 glass choker from Claire’s), a $3,500 custom-made Chanel catsuit (read: the back alley baby of The Slut Dress and a pair of Wrangler jeans) and a $12,000 shearling coat (read: a coat made from the skin and hair of the jealous bitches who die at the sight of her beauty). PP looks like she’s the star of a blaxploitation porn parody starring an all-white cast and my brain is trying to decide if that’s the look or not. And while my brain stains itself, I’m sure your eyeballs are straining themselves while trying to get a good glimpse of PP’s denim
camel chicken toe.
Because all of us at Dlisted (even our Canadian producer of foolery Allison) are spending the rest of today getting all-the-way boozed up on jug wine, vodka, gin, whiskey, tequila, Lysol toilet cleaner, Purell and any other kind of soul-numbing liquid that gets us through the holiday, we’re taking Thanksgiving off. Besides, we need all of our energy for when we have to grab a knife and rip a drumstick off of a turkey to battle our relatives when the wonderful topic of politics comes up. We’ll fight to the death, or until abuelita shuts everyone’s yelling holes up by reaching for her chancleta.
So for now I leave you with these festive and demure portraits of who the creators of the camera are most thankful for (because she’s been keeping them in business for years). Phoebe Price is showing you the correct way to eat pie. Eat it like you’re eating a dick.
Happy Skanksgiving, everyone!
We can finally move on from the stupid Taylor Swift v. Kimye battle, because there’s a new and more important feud to focus on and this one involves way hotter stars!
Dlisted Patron Saint and the international supermodel who is solely responsible for keeping the paparazzi industry alive has sharpened her chicken cutlet cheeks and is ready to cut a bitch for messing with her and her mom. Phoebe Price has come for actress Josie Davis (from Charles In Charge and Titans) for taking and posting the above picture on Instagram of PP wearing one of your church outfits while pushing her mother, Flora, in a wheelchair. Josie added the caption, “Here goes the neighborhood,” and well, there goes Josie’s career, because the Queen of Hollywood will ruin her!