Many of us hope that 2018 will bring in many, many changes (examples: 2018 being the year that we finally get some dick, the house next door to me getting plowed down to make way for a 24-hour In-N-Out and Nicolette Sheridan getting recast with Joan Collins on the Dynasty reboot). But I am so happy to see one thing has stayed the same: Phoebe Price slathering the streets of Los Angeles with star power, elegance and three kinds of chicken (cutlets, paillard and roasted).
While some of us spent New Year’s Day trying to drown our hangovers with cold pizza and the entire wig of the dog (read: a bottle of ro-zay) while binge-watching the original Black Mirror (read: The Twilight Zone), Chicken Cutlets was working hard on the stroll where she turned a regular trip to the gas station into glamorous performance art. While looking like the ringmaster of a strip club circus sponsored by the local Fashion Nova outlet, PP posed with a gas pump and rubbed her freckled chichi bags on her car as she cleaned the windshield. PP brought so much SEX onto her SUV that I’m sure it jizzed out of its exhaust pipe.
And Phoebe Price is certified organic and everything she does is authentic and real, so it hurts me to say this, but this gorgeous photoshoot was obviously taken at a fake gas station on a soundstage somewhere. Because if that was a real gas station, I would’ve heard that an entire city block in Los Angeles was blown to Jesus when a stunning human ginger sparkle got too close to the gas.
Don’t worry, I heard all of you (read: none of you) scream that you can’t possibly slurp down a fat slice of canned cranberry loaf and a spoonful of roasted marshmallows (bottomed with a touch of gross ass yams) until you’ve seen a ridiculous HOliday photo shoot starring the Ho Stroll Queen of All Seasons Phoebe Price! A holiday-themed photo shoot starring PP is as much of an annual tradition as your drunk cousin eating uncooked biscuits in the kitchen as she cries about how her husband don’t love her no more.
At a supermarket in the L.A. area recently, shoppers heard the manager say, “clean-up of pure talent on aisle 10,” over the loudspeaker when Chicken Cutlets slathered the tiled floor with SALMONELLA (sexiness, artisticness, luxury, magnetism, oomph, nobility, elegance, loveliness, lavishness and amazingnextleveltalent!). PP left everyone gagging on the hot fumes wafting off of her freckled Cornish game hens. That shopper behind PP is obviously paralyzed by the glamour of it all and doesn’t know how she stumbled onto a French Vogue photo shoot. Or maybe she’s mistaking Chicken Cutlet’s ass for a Butterball turkey and wondering if it’s on special.
Phoebe Price truly puts the “thanks” and “giving” in Thanksgiving, because we’re all thanking her for giving us so much. And if you find that your family is screaming and thisclose to shanking each other with the wishbone, just show them these pictures. They’ll be so mesmerized by PP’s beauty that they’ll stop everything to worship her. Sure, they may look at her giving us chicken, HAM and cheese and eventually start fighting over the last slice of cheesy ham and chicken casserole, but those few moments of silence will be worth it.
If you were at MoMA in NYC recently, then you definitely already saw that picture above, because it has replaced Monet’s Reflections of Clouds on the Water-Lily Pond. Monet tried it, but that portrait above does a much better job of displaying natural beauty and floral delicateness.
It’s actually amazing that the sun is a thing that still exists today. Because any acclaimed scientist will tell you that the sun should immediately melt when hit by the powerful rays of perfection shooting off of the trio of brilliant human spotlights that is Angelique “Frenchy” Morgan, Phoebe Price and Shauna Sand. The modern day Iris (Frenchy), the modern day Athena (PP) and the modern day Aphrodite (Shauna) joined supremely gorgeous forces in the name of art.
If you’re already bored with this Rob Kartrashian and Blac Chyna melodrama and that headline has made you sleepier than Kourtney Kartrashian’s thought process, then let me just say that it was either post about this or that goddamn vegan baby butthole story that people won’t stop sending me. Although, writing about that vegan baby butthole story may be better than writing about these buttholes…
Allison already told us about how Rob could be hit with criminal revenge porn charges for getting revenge on Chyna by posting pictures of her nipples and Little Chynatown on Instagram and Twitter. Chyna’s lawyer, Walter Mosley, said that she’s considering her legal options, and well, she’s considered those options and is now taking action. And she’s brought in the Princess of Legal Press Conferences Lisa Bloom to help her.
Anybody who has ever read the Declaration of Independence knows of this highly important passage:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of flashing your ass cheeks on the ho stroll for some quick pap attention.
And 241 years after our founding fathers approved that message, here is human sparkler Phoebe Price making them proud by flashing her ass cheeks on the ho stroll for some quick pap attention.
Whenever any holiday rolls around, I tell myself that I can’t fully start celebrating it until my eyes have been covered with gorgeous pictures of Chicken Cutlets flashing her farm fresh poultry parts in a themed photo shoot for the paps. For this Fourth of July, PP once again proved that she’s the hardest-working American of all-time by doing not one, not two, but three patriotic photo-ops for the paps. She did one at the park with her dog Henry Price, one at the beach (see: her filling the Malibu air with clouds of pure grace while spreading her chicken wings wide) and third at a gas station. PP is so dedicated to giving us the people a serving of beauty and gentility that she took a dangerous risk by posing at a gas station. That entire station could’ve gone up in flames from the gas being exposed to the ginger rays of pure hotness that shoot off of PP.
And if you stop at a gas station today while driving back from your Fourth of July celebrations, make sure to pull down your bottoms and flash those nalgitas as a tribute to this great American ginger hero!
Because we here at Dlisted take the 2000-ish anniversary of the reboot of Jesus very seriously, we’re taking the day off to go to Catholic mass (read: find a liquor store that’s open because my stupid ass just realized that I’m mostly out of the nectar of the gods) and pray to our lord and savior (read: pray to God to have pity on me while I’m bent over a toilet and throwing up a vomit stream of rum and Snickers eggs).
So I leave you with these pictures of Dlisted’s lord and savior, Phoebe Price, demurely bending over as her dog Henry thinks, “For real, why me?“, during an Easter-themed photo shoot on the ho stroll. No holiday is complete until we’ve all seen pictures of PP serving up a double dose of freckled chicken paillard while gorgeously dressed for the season. I am raising several glasses to Jesus this afternoon, because if he never rose from the dead, the world would’ve missed out on these pictures of Chicken Cutlets bringing Easter glamour and beauty to the stroll. And in nearly every picture, PP’s adorable sidekick Henry Price is thinking to himself, “I really do blame you for this, Jesus.”