And I don’t mean “hit it with splashes of holy water while running to the safe house.”
The trailer for Zoolander 2 came out today and it starts off as a comedy but then turns into a terrifying sci-fi horror show when Benedict Cumberbatch pops up on the screen looking like some kind of creature that slithered out of Snape’s asshole 9 months after that half-blood wizard had bareback fuck times with The Lizard from Spider-Man on the site of a toxic waste dump. If Kendall Jenner uses her family’s plastic surgeon, that’s what she’s going to look like without makeup in 10 years.
B. Cums plays an androgynous supermodel and I don’t even think they used any prosthetics or wigs or anything. B. Cums just shape-shifted into his natural alien lizard form and now we know that his natural alien lizard from looks a melting Tilda Swinton wax figure in low-budget Cher drag. B. Cums as a carved Pete Burns candle isn’t the only terrifying thing in the Zoolander 2 trailer. Kristen Wiig as Donatella Versace’s unremarkable anus is also pretty terrifying.
But B. Cums and Kristen aren’t even the scariest things in that trailer. The most horrifying thing is that they call Justin Bieber, whose death isn’t as perfect as his death in CSI, one of the most beautiful people in the world.
And to answer my headline question, yes, I probably would.
All of the covers and pictures for W Magazine’s The Movie Issue were taken by Juergen Teller, which means that they all look like crime scene photos from the 1970s of the pimps, john, hookers and crackheads who were all staying at a shitty motel when a low-ranking mobster was viciously stabbed to death in one of the bathrooms. Everyone (except for Lupita Nyong’o) in these pictures look like they’re the suspect in a murder case and are being interviewed by the police. Some of them look like their fear of the police is ruining their coke buzz (see: Jennifer Lawrence) and others look like they’re making a “come at me, PIGS!” face (see: Emma Thompson). And Amy Adams…. Lord, I just want to cover her with a soft blanket and give her some lukewarm hot cocoa from the vending machine, because bitch looks a wreck!
Anyway, Jennifer Lawrence is on one of the covers and W asked her about the graceful fall felt all around the world. Jennifer Lawrence obviously fell on those stairs because her huge, pink dress was the size of the head table at a quinceanera. But Jennifer says that she fell, because she was thinking about cake.
“I was at the Oscars, waiting to hear if my name was called, and I kept thinking, Cakewalk, cakewalk, cakewalk. I thought, Why is ‘cakewalk’ stuck in my head? And then, as I started to walk up the stairs and the fabric from my dress tucked under my feet, I realized my stylist had told me, ‘Kick, walk, kick, walk.’ You are supposed to kick the dress out while you walk, and I totally forgot because I was thinking about cake! And that’s why I fell.”
That quote is like charcoal fluid that fuels the Jennifer Lawrence backlash movement. Bitch is obviously lying. I mean, thought about cake right after winning a huge award? Bitch, you ain’t Kirstie Alley. Jennifer Lawrence has already been crowned America’s Newest Sweetheart, so she can quit it with the “I’m so RILL! I’m so aw-shucks-ey! I thought about cake at the Oscars!” shit. If she didn’t talk about butt plugs on Conan, I’d probably fill in an application for the Jennifer Lawrence Backlash Club. But I can’t hate a trick who openly talks about butt plugs. It’s a rule of mine.
You can see all the pics and read all the quotes from W’s The Movie Issue here. I’ve thrown in a few below. Grab the holy water before clicking on the picture of Jake Gyllenhaal looking like a diablo on meth.
It’s hard to believe, but the British Monarchy didn’t order all of the vaginas in the world to shut and not allow any babies through until Duchess Kate pushed out the future King of England. Other women actually had babies including Penelope Cruz who birthed out her second kid, a daughter, in Madrid yesterday. Insert your own “Spain and England will finally forget their war from a million years ago when the Prince of England marries the unofficial Princess of Spain” comment here.
Penelope and Javier Bardem’s reps didn’t say much to People. We don’t know her name or HIGHLY IMPORTANT details like how much she weighs. We only know that Penelope and Javier have a daughter and their 2-year-old son Leonardo has a sister. Here’s the story from HOLA! Magazine and I’m only posting it because it has a ton of accent marks and my posts desperately need more accent marks in them:
Penélope Cruz y Javier Bardem han sido padres de nuevo, y de una niña. La actriz española ingresó ayer en el hospital Ruber Internacional para dar a luz. Tras meses de espera, Penélope Cruz ha cumplido su sueño y ya tiene a su hija entre sus brazos, que se llevará dos años y medio con su hermano, Leo, y algo más de dos meses con su prima Antonella, la hija de Mónica Cruz. La actriz, tal y como era su deseo, ha estado rodeada del cariño de los suyos. Su marido, Javier Bardem, no se ha separado de su lado y sus padres, Eduardo y Encarna, y sus hermanos, Mónica y Eduardo Cruz, han compartido los nervios y la alegría del nacimiento.
Sin duda la luna llena del 22 de julio influyó en los dos nacimientos más esperados del momento. La duquesa de Cambridge dio a luz a su primer hijo, un varón, a las 16:24 de la tarde, y Penélope Cruz, horas más tarde a una niña, que hará las delicias de sus oscarizados papás y de su hermano Leo.
Since Dennis Farina floated off to heaven yesterday, I’m hoping that his soul was transferred to either Penelope’s baby or the new Baby Prince of Cambridge. We’ll know for sure if that happened if one of those babies’ first words are, “Who the fuck are you?”
On the left is Javier Bardem in the teaser trailer for The Counselor and on the right is the Ancient Aliens meme guy. Thanks to ten cans of pink AquaNet, a blow dryer set to high and possibly a taser gun, Javier Bardem TRIES IT, but his hair just can’t beat the hair on the head of the Ancient Aliens meme guy. Because the Ancient Aliens meme guy’s hair just isn’t hair. It’s a hairy satellite that communicates with aliens from the ancient world. So he wins!
Anyway, below is the trailer for Ridley Scott’s The Counselor, which is about a lawyer (Michael Fassbender) who gets into the drug selling business with two drug lords (Javier Bardem and Cameron Diaz), because he wants to give his girlfriend (Penelope Cruz) a fancier life. That is just crazy. Who in the hell starts selling drugs to give their piece a fancier life? Any reasonable ho would just get into the pyramid scheme game. (Side note: Remember that pyramid scheme where you’d get a list of 20 names and addresses and you’d have to send a $1 to each of them. If you did that, you’d get on the next list and a bunch of people would send a $1 to you. You were supposed to make thousands of thousands of dollars from it. Remember that scheme? I wonder who was dumb enough to fall for that shit? I totally fell for it.) Here’s the trailer:
Javier Bardem’s hair, the grease stuck to Brad Pitt’s locks and those cheetahs (cheetahs are such fame whores) probably think they’re the stars of this movie, but they’re wrong. The true star is Cameron Diaz. I skimmed through a review of the script (I know, I really have no life) and read that Cameron plays Malkina, Javier Bardem’s sociopathic and horny partner who is a computer genius and is obsessed with cheetahs and cars. Apparently, she’s really REALLY into cars and has even fucked one. So those of you haters who have said in the past, “The only way Cameron Diaz is going to get an Oscar nomination is if screws a car on camera,” can eat it, because she’s finally doing it. Pour some Turtle Wax on that car hood and get that Oscar, bitch!
Tonight is the Met’s Costume Institute Gala (this year’s exhibit is devoted to Alexander McQueen) where supermodels, movie stars and bitches who don’t even belong at a costume party on Staten Island slip into dresses that cost thirty times more than the liquor & guns drive thru store in Texas I want to buy. Then they slobber on each other’s nipples about how gorgeous they look before turning around and whispering to their assistant/culito wiper that they wouldn’t even wear that shit as their menstruatin’ dress.
And it wouldn’t be a fashion gala without the Death Eaters’ designer of choice Kunty Karl. Even though Kunty Karl had a bushel of stale and starched wheat at his side, he still managed to fill the air with the intoxicating scent of crushed dreams and boy toy saliva that wafts off of his glorious carcass. If you don’t believe me, then just get a closer look at the woman behind him. Homegirl has got the vapors in a good way and just wants to lose her nose in Kunty Karl’s coke white hair.
Or maybe she’s falling asleep at the sight of Blake Lively in a half toga/half Cirque de Holeil leotard. Yeah, that’s probably the culprit.
And here’s a few other tricks who fell to their knees and put their lips on Kunty Karl’s claws tonight. In order: Bradley Cooper with his hot mom, Kunty with Blake, Iman, Mary-Kate Olsen, MiserAlba, Jennifer Hudson, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Michelle Williams, Taylor Swift, Penny Cruz with Oscar de la Renta, Mick Jagger with L’Wren Scott, Nicole Richie and Squinty Zellweger.
Hola! Magazine (all news should come from Hola! Magazine) says that Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem said HOLAS! to their brand new baby boy at Cedars-Sinai in Beverly Hills, CA on Sábado. Penny and Javier have yet to say if this is true or not, so we don’t have a name (I’m pulling for Charo or Cristobal or Peenelope) or any other details. We’ll really know it’s true when Salma Hayek starts lactating, because her chichis always bring the leche when one of her friends gives birth. You know, just in case.
Because everything is better in Spanish, here’s the story from Hola!. Just nod like me when my tia spits out Spanish like she just injected a chili infused speedball directly into her tongue.
El pequeño vino al mundo el pasado sábado en un hospital de Los Ángeles
El primer hijo de Penélope Cruz y Javier Bardem ha sido un niño y vino al mundo el pasado sábado en el centro médico Cedars-Sinai de Beverly Hills, Estados Unidos. El pequeño, del que aún no ha trascendido su nombre, llegó al mundo entre la alegría y la emoción de sus padres y el cariño de ambas familias, que quisieron estas al lado de la pareja de oscarizados actores en un momento tan importante. La semana no ha podido ser mejor para el actor español que el sábado se convirtió en padre y ayer se anunció su nominación al Oscar como mejor actor por su papel en la película Biutiful.
And this is where you just type, “Ummmm….SI!” The Rosetta Stone cell in my brain tells me that the article from Hola! talks about his Oscar nomination for Biutiful. Javier became a new dad and received an Oscar nom in the span of 4 days, so some of you might be thinking that he’s having the best week ever. Yeah, I don’t really see it that way. The 10-piece luggage set under Javier’s eyes is about to become a 20-piece set thanks to his baby crying at all hours of the night like Vanilla Sky is playing on a loop on his nursery ceiling. And then Javier finds out that in a few weeks, he’ll have to dab some concealer on his 20-piece luggage set and sit through a 300-hour long ceremony. Yeah, so…that being said, FELICIDADES to Javier and Penny!!!!!! (I just really wanted to type FELICIDADES!!!!!!).
via OK! Magazine
Believe it or not, Penelope Cruz’s “DO NOT WANT” face is not the winner of this picture. And Javier Bardem double fisting two invisible b-holes like YEAH also didn’t get the game point. The true star of this shit is the memaw hollerin’ her division sign brows right off. Need more proof? Let’s get closer:
BOOM! I can practically hear her screaming “SUPPER’S ON!!!!” from here. It’s like she’s banging on a triangle with her tonsils. She is serious about her victory scream, because even her nostrils are cheering. Yup, she wins.
And here’s a few more of Penny Cruz’s pregnant ass hugging on Javier at the Lakers vs. Heat game at the Staples Center in L.A. last night.
Penelope Cruz jumped to the top of the womb watch list when pictures of her looking like a fetus is blowing air bubbles in her belly were posted on line yesterday. The pictures were taken on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean, so some thought that maybe the extra bump was part of her costume. Personally, I figured that Penny’s ovaries were just hyperventilating from being that close to Johnny Depp’s shivering timber. But Penny’s spokeswhore has confirmed that she’s 4 1/2 months pregnant! And the daddy is Javier Bardem!
Penny’s rep kept the statement simple, and thankfully didn’t give us the Spanish translation of “Over The Moon“. It’s always too early for that shit. Penny and Javier got married in the Bahamas in July, so you can fire a belated bullet from your shot gun if that’s what you need to do.
Congrats to Penny and the Javier! Hopefully, the world’s best newborn plastic surgeons will be on hand at the birth of their baby. With two ugly ass parents like Penny and Javier, that baby is in for a world full of fug (el sarcasmo). Please, that baby is going to have a L’Oreal contract in its hand as soon as it pops out of Penny’s vag.
Well, this is one way to choke out the lezzie rumors. Tommy Girl’s former face merkin Penny Cruz and Javier Bardem (or Javier BarDAYUM as my horny old auntie calls him) became husband and wife in the Bahamas almost two weeks ago. By Hollywood’s standards, two weeks is forever so my headline is still factual (not really). Penny’s spokeswhore confirms the news to the Associated Press and says that it was a tiny wedding with only la familia present.
The most surprising part of this shit is that as soon as Penny slipped the wedded cock ring on Javier (it’s the only way to go), the news wasn’t immediately transmitted via Twitter whale or some shit. There was no 10-page spread in ¡Hola! magazine. Bitches actually kept their lips shut. That means Salma Hayek’s magnificent chichis have been keeping a secret for a while now. She has been looking a little tense in the nipples lately.
And while Penny and Javier were getting hitched on a beach in the Bahamas, her former employer Tommy Girl was down in his dungeon hitching his Scientolohole to a dick on a dude named Javier.
There’s been a womb watch on Penny Cruz for a couple of months now. The rumors going around town (aka the internets) is that one of Javier Bardem’s hunky sperm fish got down with one of Penny’s ovaries creating a fetus tamale. All parties involved have kept their mouths shut about the subject. Some seem to think that the rumors are false, because she was photographed a couple of days ago smoking away at the Chateau Marmont.
At the premiere of her movie Broken Embraces at the Toronto International Film Festival last night, a reporter decided to ask Penny about the possible situation going on in her lady parts and she wasn’t happy about it. According to People, Penny screamed, “That’s your question?!” and then busted out of there.
So either: a) Penny does have the BABIES!! but doesn’t feel like talking about it with strangers. b) Penny doesn’t have the BABIES!! and isn’t amused with hos thinking she’s chunky in the belly area. c) Penny did have the BABIES!!!, but she doesn’t anymore. Sad faces galore.
This is why you simply don’t ask a trick if she’s pregnant. I mean, whenever I’m sitting on the subway and see a possibly pregnant person standing up, I’m always afraid to offer up my seat. What if she’s just fat and shanks me in the throat for assuming she’s got a baby in there? Just keep your eyes down!
Here’s Penny looking like she wrapped herself in a hospital bed sheet at her big premiere last night.