I don’t whether to scream out a million FUCK YESes over Lady Gaga not getting cast as plastic orchid Donatella Versace, or scream out a million NOOOOOOooos over La Bruja from Real Housewives of Miami getting shamelessly robbed of the role!
Ryan Murphy already made many breathe out a giant sigh of relief by saying that Lady Gaga is too busy to play Donatella Versace in the third season of American Crime Story, which is going to focus on the murder of Gianni Versace. Ryan said that they were in talks with an Oscar-winner to play Donatella and my guess was Charlize Theron. But FX announced today that the Oscar-winner who will throw on a wig of bleached straw, a melting rubber Muppet mask and a thick Italian accent to play Donatella will be Penelope Cruz.
TVLine says that filming for Versace: ACS will start next month. It will air sometime in 2018 after the second season of American Crime Story airs. The second season is about the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and the fourth season is about the Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton sex escandalo.
Darren Criss is playing Andrew Cunanan and Edgar Ramirez will be Gianni Versace in Versace: ACS.
I don’t totally hate this and mainly because one of my favorite Penelope Cruz performances is when she played a gold digging coke whore in Blow. She wore a blond wig in that for a second. So maybe going blond again will bring out yet another magnificent performance from her.
And since I brought up Penelope Cruz’s highly riveting performance in Blow, here’s the scene that should’ve gotten her a thousand Oscars:
You know…. seeing Johnny Depp with that blond hair is making me say that his ass should’ve played Donatella!
We’ve been shitting up post after post from last night’s Adele Appreciation Ceremony (Featuring Adele Appreciating Beyonce), but another awards show happened yesterday. Two weeks before Hollywood gets dressed up in $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the Oscars, they got into $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the BAFTAs last night.
I’ve seen that face before. That’s the face I get whenever I tell Michael K that I think Prince William is the hotter brother.
As if you couldn’t already tell by the picture above, Penelope Cruz had a “Bitch, you better talk to your research department” moment during an interview with the Today Show yesterday. Towards the end of the interview, Savannah Guthrie, a woman whose name sounds like a clothing store for southern moms who think Chico’s is “too tarty“, made the mistake of asking Penelope Cruz about her ugly feet. Penny (who was dressed like a fancy pilot for some reason) was a ballet dancer before she was an actress. And I guess Savannah wanted to ask her about her feet because she heard they look like Quasi Modo’s puppies after all those years in pointe shoes. The only problem is, Penelope Cruz doesn’t have ugly feet, SAVANNAH. The awkwardness all happens around the 4:15 mark.
“You have ugly feet” is a pretty random nugget of trivia to know about someone. Did nobody think to double-check that? Who at the Today show was drunk enough to let that whoopsie slip though? It was totally Kathie Lee Gifford screwing around with the teleprompter, wasn’t it?
So the good news is Penelope Cruz has officially killed any rumor that she has fugly feet. The bad news is she’s about to receive a whole lot of creepy phone calls from foot fetish king Quentin Tarantino. “Hey Penelope! So I just caught your interview on the Today show, and I heard you talking about your feet. Are you also still married to Anton Chigurh? You are? Oh, that’s too bad. Well, I guess I’ll try again later.“
Whenever I see the name “Evil DJ” I think it’s the nickname the cast of Full House called Candace Cameron behind her back. It probably was/is.
At the Zoolander 2 premiere in NYC last night, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell and Penelope Cruz walked the purple carpet in character. That was part of the premiere everyone there called the “This Is An Embarrassing Mess, Let’s Go To The Open Bar” portion of the night. Justin Theroux helped write Zoolander 2 and his character from the first one is in it, so he also hopped (or whatever you call what he’s doing) down the runway. It was some real “Um, you’re a millionaire and you’re married to a multi-multi-millionaire so you don’t need to do this crap for a check” shit.
Evil DJ always looks like Linda Perry circa 1994 if Linda Perry circa 1994 was styled by Kevin Federline using shit from Riff Raff’s closet. When I first saw these pictures, I wondered what in the hell happened to Jason Castro and then I wondered why in the hell do I remember Jason Castro.
And I hope they cover this look on Fashion Police, because I really to see Giuliana Rancic’s lollipop head shake and pop off while she tries to figure out what to say about his dreads.
And I don’t mean “hit it with splashes of holy water while running to the safe house.”
The trailer for Zoolander 2 came out today and it starts off as a comedy but then turns into a terrifying sci-fi horror show when Benedict Cumberbatch pops up on the screen looking like some kind of creature that slithered out of Snape’s asshole 9 months after that half-blood wizard had bareback fuck times with The Lizard from Spider-Man on the site of a toxic waste dump. If Kendall Jenner uses her family’s plastic surgeon, that’s what she’s going to look like without makeup in 10 years.
B. Cums plays an androgynous supermodel and I don’t even think they used any prosthetics or wigs or anything. B. Cums just shape-shifted into his natural alien lizard form and now we know that his natural alien lizard from looks a melting Tilda Swinton wax figure in low-budget Cher drag. B. Cums as a carved Pete Burns candle isn’t the only terrifying thing in the Zoolander 2 trailer. Kristen Wiig as Donatella Versace’s unremarkable anus is also pretty terrifying.
But B. Cums and Kristen aren’t even the scariest things in that trailer. The most horrifying thing is that they call Justin Bieber, whose death isn’t as perfect as his death in CSI, one of the most beautiful people in the world.
And to answer my headline question, yes, I probably would.
All of the covers and pictures for W Magazine’s The Movie Issue were taken by Juergen Teller, which means that they all look like crime scene photos from the 1970s of the pimps, john, hookers and crackheads who were all staying at a shitty motel when a low-ranking mobster was viciously stabbed to death in one of the bathrooms. Everyone (except for Lupita Nyong’o) in these pictures look like they’re the suspect in a murder case and are being interviewed by the police. Some of them look like their fear of the police is ruining their coke buzz (see: Jennifer Lawrence) and others look like they’re making a “come at me, PIGS!” face (see: Emma Thompson). And Amy Adams…. Lord, I just want to cover her with a soft blanket and give her some lukewarm hot cocoa from the vending machine, because bitch looks a wreck!
Anyway, Jennifer Lawrence is on one of the covers and W asked her about the graceful fall felt all around the world. Jennifer Lawrence obviously fell on those stairs because her huge, pink dress was the size of the head table at a quinceanera. But Jennifer says that she fell, because she was thinking about cake.
“I was at the Oscars, waiting to hear if my name was called, and I kept thinking, Cakewalk, cakewalk, cakewalk. I thought, Why is ‘cakewalk’ stuck in my head? And then, as I started to walk up the stairs and the fabric from my dress tucked under my feet, I realized my stylist had told me, ‘Kick, walk, kick, walk.’ You are supposed to kick the dress out while you walk, and I totally forgot because I was thinking about cake! And that’s why I fell.”
That quote is like charcoal fluid that fuels the Jennifer Lawrence backlash movement. Bitch is obviously lying. I mean, thought about cake right after winning a huge award? Bitch, you ain’t Kirstie Alley. Jennifer Lawrence has already been crowned America’s Newest Sweetheart, so she can quit it with the “I’m so RILL! I’m so aw-shucks-ey! I thought about cake at the Oscars!” shit. If she didn’t talk about butt plugs on Conan, I’d probably fill in an application for the Jennifer Lawrence Backlash Club. But I can’t hate a trick who openly talks about butt plugs. It’s a rule of mine.
You can see all the pics and read all the quotes from W’s The Movie Issue here. I’ve thrown in a few below. Grab the holy water before clicking on the picture of Jake Gyllenhaal looking like a diablo on meth.