Category: Penelope Cruz

The Versace Family Is Pissed At FX’s “American Crime Story”

January 9, 2018 / Posted by:

According to Deadline, the family of Gianni Versace have released a statement denouncing Ryan Murphy’s latest scandal-based television offering. Needless to say, they won’t be throwing an The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story viewing party in their mansion when it premieres next week.

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Angelina Jolie Decided To Fulfill Someone’s Feathered 60s Fantasy Last Night (And Other Looks From The Golden Globes)

January 8, 2018 / Posted by:

Almost everyone who walked the Golden Globes red carpet this year wore black to protest Hollywood’s sexual misconduct problem. One thing that wasn’t being protested was good taste. There were a lot of black velvet outfits on that red carpet. Sure, it’s a bit of an obvious choice, but a choice I was absolutely here for, because anything that makes my brain start blasting “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles gets two thumbs up from me.

But some people went a little more experimental with their all-black interpretation. Like Angelina Jolie, who showed up to the Golden Globes in some goth Lawrence Welk Show realness by Atelier Versace. It’s a little Barbra Streisand at the 1969 Oscars, with a splash of 60s televangelist, all poured onto a fainting couch and garnished with, “But detective, I swear my husband was dead when I found him!

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The Trailer For “American Crime Story: The Assassination Of Gianni Versace” Is Here

November 15, 2017 / Posted by:

The new trailer for the upcoming season of Ryan Murphy’s true crime anthology, American Crime Story 2: The Assassination of Gianni Versace, is finally here. I have a feeling Donatella Versace‘s long skeletor finger has raked itself across Ryan’s face and warned him to “keep it classy, dahling”.  I know she’s not supposed to be the star but Donatella is clearly the funnest character up in this bitch. And if you’re competing with Gina Gershon and Maya Rudolph in The Battle of The Network Donatellas, bleaching Penelope Cruz’s eyebrows, slapping a blond wig on her head and saying “presto chango!” does not a Donatella make. It makes a weird looking Penelope Cruz with a bizarro accent. She’s still basically Penelope Cruz but with itchy looking contacts and hasn’t she been through enough already?

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Open Post: Hosted By The Cast Of “American Crime Story’s” Versace Season 

June 21, 2017 / Posted by:

If you’ve been following the making of Ryan Murphy’s latest bewigged dramatic extravaganza, The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, then you’ve probably already seen Darren Criss (Andrew Cunan), Edgar Ramirez (Gianni Versace), Penelope Cruz (Donatella Versace) and Ricky Martin (Gianni’s partner Antonio D’Amico) in character. But Entertainment Weekly got the first official picture of all of them together. That cover is a tacky, opulent 90s fever dream of Day-Glo messiness, and yes I’m going to force my family to recreate it for our 2017 Christmas card, and we don’t even do family Christmas cards! And yes, hair will be pulled and faces will be scratched as we fight over who gets to be the “Donatella.”

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The Real Star Of The Trailer For “Murder On The Orient Express” Is Kenneth Branagh’s Magnificent Silver Stache And Pussy Patch 

June 1, 2017 / Posted by:

Poirot purists (Poirists?) are screaming blasphemy today, because the trailer for the new Murder on the Orient Express movie is out and Kenneth Branagh’s ridiculous Poirot look is all wrong. While I love Kenneth Branagh’s grey Wilford Brimley-on-roids mustache and the porn star grandma’s crotch patch on his chin, many don’t. Some Agatha Christie fans don’t want a Poirot not named David Suchet, let alone a Poirot who looks like a shapeshifting human who is about 5% into shapeshifting into a fluffy grey cat. I guess some can’t appreciate a stache that looks like two streams of hairy snot coming out of a nose.

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Open Post: Hosted By Penelope Cruz As Donatella Versace

May 16, 2017 / Posted by:

Ever since it was announced that Penelope Cruz will be trying to transform her Spanish accent into an Italian accent to play Donatella Versace in Ryan Murphy’s The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story (which was called Versace: American Crime Story), I’ve been waiting to take in the sight of Penny in opulent fashion bitch drag. The paps took pictures of Penny as she strut to the set in Miami, FL yesterday, and well, I’m getting more “Penelope Cruz as Erika Jayne going to a funeral” than Donatella Versace.

The third season of ACS is set in the late-90s and so that was before Donatella checked into The Jim Henson Company’s studios and got them to transform her into the exquisitely-crafted rubber Muppet blossom she is today. So that’s why Penelope looks so basically boring and natural. Even though I really just see Penelope Cruz in a blond wig, I’m still not going to hate. It could’ve been ten times worse. It could’ve been Lady Gaga.

Pics: Backgrid

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