The Billboard Music Awards were last night and if the red carpet is any indication, it lived up to it’s name because most stars looked as bored as can be. With very few exceptions, most of the night’s looks were uninspired and devoid of whimsy. Nick Jonas (above) looks like he just showed up for his shift at Applebees and still needs to go get his flair from his locker and take a quick shot at the bar before getting started. He’ll be with you in a minute, ok?
Because I’m a Grade-A, red-blooded, diva-loving gay gay gay, there is really no better medicine post-breakup than taking a bottle of rosé to the face, watching hours of Sex and the City, and thinking, “At least you ain’t as fucked in the head as Carrie Bradshaw,” before flopping into bed and crying myself to sleep to Danity Kane. Well, I wonder if that would be a bit too meta for Aubrey O’Day, because E! reports she is no longer riding Pauly D’s D. What?! Say it ain’t so! Who gets custody of the joint account at Sun Tan City?!?!?!
TMZ says that Jersey Shore whore and millionaire DJ Pauly D (that last part might’ve been the most depressing thing I’ve ever typed and I’m mad that the universe didn’t drop a bottle of Prozac in my lap after I typed it) dick pumped a load of tanned baby batter up into one of his tricks and now he’s somebody’s father! Maybe Pauly D’s barebacking ass should add a B (for buysomefuckingcondoms) to his daily GTL routine. Scratch that, because if he did that, GTL would become LGBT and the entire LGBT community does not deserve that.
Pauly D’s first baby mother (that we know of) lives in New Jersey, but their bundle of hair gel and bronzing tanning spray was made in Las Vegas. Pauly D and his trick met while he was DJing and she was partying. She birthed out their daughter a few months ago. You can easily find out if a kid is Pauly D’s by squeezing it to see if hair gel quirts out of the pores on its scalp, but he took a DNA test anyway and he IS the father. Pauly D told TMZ that he will take care of his kid, “I’m proud I’m a father. I am excited to embark on this new part of my life.”
Next to the duck phone and Angelina’s luxurious trash bag luggage set, Pauly D was my favorite whore on Jersey Shore, but then again, choosing your favorite Jersey Shore whore is like choosing which wart on your genitals is the one you want to spend just a little more time with. I’m sure Pauly D will make a wonderful father and by that I mean he’ll send all his child support checks in on time (until his DJ money runs out anyway) and he’ll teach his daughter important life lessons like how to properly do a Jägerbomb off of a trick’s stomach and how to charbroil her skin without burning her nips off.
And I hope that in the far future, Pauly D’s daughter and Snooki’s son will star in the reboot of Jersey Shore on WTV. (In the future, MTV will finally realize what we’ve all know for decades: they don’t serve up music anymore. They’ll flip that M upside/down and become Whore Television.) I mean, since we suffered through Jersey Shore, our children should also have to suffer through that shit. It will make them stronger.