Paula Deen Is A Changed Woman, Y’all!

I should’ve warned you in my headline and I hope it’s not too late, but do not stare directly at the maniacal double twinkle in Paula Deen’s eyes or your soul will emulsify and spend the rest of eternity stuck in her arteries.

After Paula Deen’s Kingdom of Butter crumbled, melted and dripped down into the gutter last year when all that racist stuff she did and said came out, she took her Country Crock tears to Today and delivered a melodramatic, theatrical performance where she cried as though she was auditioning for a novella and painted herself as the martyr of all martyrs. I expected Paula to stick herself to a cross made of mantequilla and sing “The Crucifixion” from Jesus Christ Superstar. Well, the second leg (or is it the third?) of Paula’s national apology tour started up again this morning on Today.

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Paula Deen Knows How “That Black Football Player” Who Just Came Out Feels

It feels like it was just yesterday when Paula Deen’s deep fried butter kingdom melted into a giant puddle that she snorted up to handle with the pain of losing endorsement deal after endorsement deal. It was actually kind of was yesterday, but Paula has already screamed at Jellyroll to fill that Comeback Train with coal, because she’s ready to choo choo along. Paula has a new company with a $75 million investment, a new restaurant next to Dollywood in Tennessee and she spilled her lard-filled heart to People (via The Wrap) about how she’s ready to come back and doesn’t want to be seen as an N-word hurling mess who longs for glory days of slavery.

Paula said that she knows how “that black football player” (uh, she’s talking about Michael Sam) feels, because he just wants to be known as a football player instead of a “gay” football player and she just wants to be known as a humanized artery clog instead of a “disgraced” humanized artery clog. Hold on, because Paula’s Comeback Train is coming into the Fuckery Station at full speed:

“I feel like ‘embattled’ or ‘disgraced’ will always follow my name. It’s like that black football player who recently came out. He said, ‘I just want to be known as a football player. I don’t want to be known as a gay football player.’ I know exactly what he’s saying. I’m fighting to get my name back.”

The hell is Paula going on about? The Surgeon General needs to put a label on every box of butter warning people that mainlining that stuff will make you spit out nonsense like that. Yes, comparing her situation to that of a football player coming out and calling him “that black football player” is a really good idea when you’re trying to scrub your reputation. Well, at least she’s didn’t call him, “that queer negro football player,” so progress!

Paula went on to say that she empathizes with Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty:

“It’s amazing that some people are given passes and some people are crucified. I have new empathy for these situations, though. My dad always told me, ‘Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.'”

The drama. Paula still has ten mountains of money, her cruise sold out, she still has a legion of fans who worship at her buttery hooves and just the other day I was in KMart and some lady picked up a Paula Deen pot and said, “Poor Paula, she got it bad,” before putting that shit in her cart. And to answer the question in your head, yes, that lady in KMart was wearing burnt orange capris and rattan wedge flip-flops. Isn’t that where every Paula Deen fan wears?!

I Bet It Was That Home-Wrecking Hussy Mrs. Butterworth

That’s the face of a man who’s been getting some sweet Walmart tail on the sly (EW, I’M SORRY).

There’s nothing Paula Deen can do now to convince us that she’s not a total pile of white trash. If her obsession with putting mayonnaise on everything didn’t do it, her casual use of the n-word definitely did. You could tell me that Paula lets her sons Jamie and Bobby park their rusted-out Dodge Charger on her front lawn, I would not at all be surprised. So I suppose the image of Paula throwing her husband, Michael Groover, out because she caught him chasin’ skirt is the cherry on top of this redneck hillbilly sundae.

The Enquirer published a story yesterday claiming that the marriage between the butter-basted bigot and Redneck Santa is over. Allegedly, Paula confronted Michael about a year-long affair with a “sexy middle-aged brunette” and he “stormed out of the house”. Naturally, sources close to Paula Deen are claiming the story is nothing but a deep fried lie (that sounds delicious, I’ll take 2). ET Online reports that Paula and Michael’s nine-year marriage is still going strong, as a source claims:

“Paula and her husband Michael have never been closer and Michael adores her.”

Oh, who to believe? On one hand, I can’t blame Michael Groover for straying; being married to Paula Deen post-scandal would be a never-ending nightmare. Plus, that ‘sexy middle-aged brunette’ sounds pretty sexy, so can you blame him? On the other hand, I cannot bring myself to imagining Michael Groover getting his greasy Georgia fuck on. Then again, I don’t want to imagine Michael and Paula having sex either. It’s too much. Someone get me one of those Men in Black mind-erase things, I want to forget everything.

And you KNOW Dr. Phil is on the phone right now trying to get these two southern mudbugs to bring their cheatin’ mess to the knock-down drag-out parking lot fight that is The Dr. Phil Show.

(Pic via Wenn)

The Baroness Of Butter Is Back!

A few months after her deep fried lard empire crumbled under the weight of the racist foolery that spewed out of her mouth, Paula Deen reunited with her butter-loving subjects at the Metro Cooking & Entertaining show in Houston on Saturday. Since the lawsuit that killed most of her career was settled and dismissed, Paula started her damage control comeback tour and of course her first stop was Texas. The craziest part is that Paula’s disciples gave her a 10-minute standing ovation. TEN MINUTES! Jesus wouldn’t even get a 10-minute standing ovation if he came back again. Yes, let’s all stand for ten fucking minutes for Paula Deen, because she’s so brave. But honestly, Paula is brave for crying in public, because when she cries she looks like a white Jafar inhaling a whole lot of dirty ass. Paula told her fans:

“These are tears of joy, y’all. This is my first time out in three months. … The one place I wanted to make my first step out was in Texas. You are forgiving folks with hearts as big as your state. We all experience pain in some way but pain is also a good thing because it makes you grow.”

And so it begins….

I’m sure she’ll continue her damage control tour by adopting a black child, opening up a chicken and waffles restaurant in Harlem and replacing Miley in Kanye West’s remix of Black Skinhead.

Paula Deen Lawsuit Dismissed (UPDATE)

UPDATE: CNN says that there may have been a settlement and Paula may have paid off Lisa, but it’s not clear. So if you see Paula buying generic brand butter at the grocery store, you now know why.

Over a week ago, a judge said that Paula Deen’s former restaurant manager Lisa Jackson couldn’t sue the Baroness of Butter for racial discrimination against black people, because she’s not black. At the time, Paula couldn’t completely scream, “Butter power prevails!“, because the judge didn’t throw out Lisa’s sexual harassment charges against Paula’s brother Bubba (it’s always a fucking Bubba). But now Paula can climb on top of the rubble where her deep fried kingdom of lard used to be and celebrate, because the entire lawsuit has been dismissed.

AP says that Lisa’s lawyers and Paula’s lawyers both agreed to drop the lawsuit in beer batter, fry it up and feed it to Bubba. Both lawyers said that no money exchanged hands, so Paula didn’t have to cut Jellyroll’s salary to pay off Lisa. There was no settlement and The lawsuit can’t be filed again. A judge still has to sign off on it. Lisa released this statement:

“I assumed that all of my complaints about the workplace environment were getting to Paula Deen, but I learned during this matter that this was not the case. The Paula Deen I have known for more than eight years is a woman of compassion and kindness and will never tolerate discrimination or racism of any kind toward anyone. I now know that the workplace environment issues that I raised are being reviewed and will in the future no longer be at issue.”

In other words, Lisa realized that her entire lawsuit was going to get thrown into the shredder and she didn’t want Paula to countersue the shit out of her, so now she’s playing nice and licking every part of Paula’s ass. Or Paula sent Jellyroll to drop a bag of money on Lisa’s porch to make this all go away and Lisa took it and then released that bullshit statement. Paula released her own statement:

“I am looking forward to getting this behind me, now that the remaining claims have been resolved. During this time my faith has strengthened me and the tremendous outpouring of support as well as prayers from folks from all walks of life has been both humbling and overwhelming.I am confident that those who truly know how I live my life know that I believe in kindness and fairness for everyone.”

In other words, Paula will see that heffa in the whites only section in hell for ruining her life.

And if you gazed into the eyes of that picture when it loaded, you probably didn’t read a word I typed, because Paula Deen’s crazy eyes and crazy teefs hypnotized you and now you’re building a statue of her in your front yard using all the butter. Maybe Paula threatened Lisa by promising to crawl up into her bed every morning and wake her up with that face if she didn’t drop the lawsuit. That’s a face that’ll scare you into the Civil War times. That’s what Paula wants!

A Judge Throws Out The Racial Discrimination Claims Against Paula Deen

If that isn’t a “Why does this food smell like oleander” side-eye, then I don’t know what is.

A judge in Georgia ruled today that the former restaurant manager Uncle Bubba’s Seafood and Oyster House who’s suing Paula Deen and Bubba Hiers for racial discrimination (and other acts of fuckery) can’t sue for racial discrimination because she’s not the race that was allegedly discriminated against. The former restaurant manager, Lisa Jackson, claimed that butter-slathered slurs slipped off of Paula’s tongue and that she once made her extremely uncomfortable by talking about a slave-themed wedding complete with black waiters in white suits. Lisa said in her lawsuit that although she’s white, she has two biracial nieces and was offended by the racist ridiculousness that shat out of Paula and Bubba’s mouths. Paula’s lawyers brought up the Prop 8 ruling and argued that Lisa can’t sue for discrimination against black people, because she’s not black. The judge sided with Team Paula and erased the racial discrimination claims from Lisa’s $1.2 million lawsuit. Paula could kiss a gay, because her Prop 8 defense actually worked. For the last couple months, Paula Deen has been losing left and right since every company on Earth dumped her bacon-stuffed funnel cake ass and today she was finally able to let out a 400-calorie sigh of relief.

U.S. District Court Judge William T. Moore Jr called Lisa Jackson an “accidental victim” and that “there are no allegations that defendant Hiers’s racially offensive comments were either directed toward plaintiff or made with the intent to harass her.” Before celebrating by taking off all their clothes and rolling around in a puddle of melted butter, a rep for Paula and Bubba said this to UsWeekly:

“We are pleased with the Court’s ruling today that Lisa Jackson’s claims of race discrimination have been dismissed. As Ms. Deen has stated before, she is confident that those who truly know how she lives her life know that she believes in equal opportunity, kindness and fairness for everyone.”

And as the rep said the words “kindness and fairness for everyone,” Paula’s supposed soul sister and business partner patched up the hole in her trailer with duct tape and cardboard while Paula screamed at one of her maids to moisturize a dry spot on her ass cheek with Crisco and rare butter imported from Norway.

AP says that the judge is keeping Lisa’s sexual harassment claims against Bubba and will rule on that later.

So in other words, the judge isn’t saying that Paula might be guilty of racial discrimination. The judge is only saying that Lisa Jackson can’t sue for it because she’s white. That means a black employee could sue, which means that Jellyroll better call up her lawyer!