Last week, it seemed like there was trouble in the squad (Side note: Hello, my name is Michael. I’m a grown up and I just wrote “trouble in the squad.“) when Lorde was seen with Taylor Swift enemy Diplo. Diplo once said that someone should start a Kickstarter to buy Taylor Swift an ass. I figured that Girl Squad Captain Taylor would immediately tell Lorde to shred her Hello Kitty membership card and then ask for the copy of the key to the treasure box where they keep the friendship bracelet supplies. But I don’t think that happened, because here’s Taylor Swift (giving you Dollar Tree Elvira Hancock) and Lorde (giving you constipated and stoned Emily the Strange in an Ice Capades show directed by Tim Burton) at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night.
But maybe something is up. Lorde does look like she was sedated and is only posing with Taylor because Taylor threatened to expose secrets that could ruin her career. You know, secrets like she really hates the color black, she loves the color pink, Nicholas Sparks is her favorite author, she really feels whole when she smiles and nothing brightens up her day like sunshine. But then again, Lorde always looks like a goth ghost who took too much Ambien, so everything’s probably fine. However, nothing is fine with the blood explosion messiness that Gwen Stefani wore.
While Blake Shelton looked like the most dressed up dude at a hillbilly wedding, Gwen Stefani looked like she was about to star in Carrie On Ice!
It looks like her belly button is barfing blood. She looks like a slutty blood clot. We get it, Gwen. You’re hot. You still got it, bitch. I’m all for a trick trying to get attention by showing her granny panties in a sheer dress, but Gwen could’ve done it without wearing an ensemble that makes me want to throw tampons, Band-Aids and cotton balls at her.
And here’s more pictures from last night’s VF party including some of Justin Timberlake being annoying and Anne Hathaway wearing Mrs. Roper’s favorite disco freakum muumuu.
During a recent interview with The New York Times, feminine odor’s arch nemesis Robin Thicke confessed something anyone with two ears and a basic understanding of shame already knew: that his pathetic attempt to win his estranged wife Paula Patton back after she left him was beyond embarrassing. Robin has finally realized that releasing an entire album dedicated to the woman who finally got tired of finding random thongs in the laundry wasn’t such a great idea. The same goes for promoting it with the desperation of a “Can I Borrow A Feeling“-singing Kirk Van Houten. Robin knows now.
Robin says his “Aha!” moment (or maybe it was more of an “Oh shit” moment) came shortly after he dedicated his performance of “Forever Love” at the 2014 BET Awards to Paula. Robin was confronted by a friend who got real with him and not-so-subtly told him he looked “like a sucker“.
“What I thought was romantic was just embarrassing. And he said, “You should just go away for a while.” So I shut everything down. I took some time off to be with my son, and to be with my family and close friends. And the more time I took off, the more everything became clear.”
Even though every song on Paula was a damn disaster, Robin doesn’t have any regrets about recording them. Because that’s how Robin is.
“Look, my songwriting has always been autobiographical, and always will be. The ‘Paula’ album was no different. I was struggling through my toughest time, and I decided to share it. And I remember my team and my record company didn’t want me to put it out, but they stuck by me. In hindsight, the only thing I would have done differently was, I wouldn’t have promoted it or sold it. I would have given it away. That would have kept the purity of the message intact.”
“You mean I could have gotten this shit for free?” said all six of the people who bought Paula. A group that includes Robin’s horny papa Alan Thicke, who was no doubt responsible for 2/3 of the sales. At least Robin can sleep well tonight knowing that someone, somewhere is trying to make his wish come true by giving away their copy of Paula for free. Sure, so far nobody but the trash can will take it, but at least that somebody is trying.
After many many months of trying to get her go get her go get her go get her back, it looks like Robin Thicke can finally call the 1-800-GOT-JUNK guys to come and pick up the hundreds of boxes of unsold Paula albums in his garage and take them to the dump where they belong, because his wife has officially gone from “estranged” to “fuck this, I’m out”.
According to People, Robin’s former bottom bitch and the mother of his child Paula Patton filed for divorce on October 3rd in Los Angeles. She cited – YOU GUESSED IT – ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the reason, and is asking for joint custody of their 4-year-old son Julian. Although I heard (no I didn’t) that Paula simply walked into the Los Angeles County divorce court offices, threw down a copy of Paula, and said “This. This is why. Write that as the reason.”
Well, he tried. Not everybody tries to win back their estranged wife by releasing a shitty thrown-together album of stalker-sounding love songs in a shameless attempt to profit off of your break-up and convince the public you’re not a douche-dipped pussy hound. And by ‘tried’, I mean he tried to profit off of it. What did Paula make, $876.42 worldwide? That’s like an hour in the VIP room at Clitter Shakers and a round of antibiotics at the STD clinic. You done good, Robin!
I’m sure Robin is taking this divorce news pretty hard (“Oh yeah, so hard” – says Robin, as his penis cries into hooker pussy), so I suggest Papa Alan try to cheer him up! Maybe throw on the Growing Pains theme and treat him to a lap dance from a stripper that looks like Joanna Kerns. “Show me that smile agaaaaain…“
Paula Patton popped up in public last night at an Emmys party wearing a demure version of the famed forever Slut Dress. Yes, this is basically the Slut Dress’ aunt. She’s the one who travels everywhere with the Slut Dress’ grandmother and has crotched (ooo, I get to type “typo and it stays!”) covers for her Iris Murdoch and Maeve Binchy novels.
If it’s possible, the Amazonian Paula led with her ass last night. I’m not gonna shade her because I saw how she beat the shit out of that little French girl in Mission Impossible 16 or whatever. Chick’s a brute.
According to the NY Daily News, Patton hasn’t been seen since the Vanity Fair Oscars party back in March, which was only days after the announcement that she had left her human roofie of a husband, Robin Thicke. She’s stayed undercover since then, probably burning all of her old clothes. Cuz’ you know whenever Thicke had a trick over she was trying on Paula’s dresses à la crazed Kate Mara hatin’ Robin Wright in House of Cards.
Check out pics of Paula Patton keeping it classy AND assy last night at Craig’s Restaurant in the gallery below.
Poor lovelorn d-bag Robin Thicke. According to TMZ, releasing a serial killer-y album full of stalker ballads that sold all of 50 copies hasn’t won back the affections of his estranged wife Paula Patton like he thought it would. I know, I’m shocked too; who of us wouldn’t swoon to the moon and back if the human equivalent of gonorrhea wrote you a bunch of songs that sound like a 15-year-old’s crappy LiveJournal poetry?
A source (Alan Thicke’s magic talking penis) tells TMZ that Robin has put their house up for sale and hired an attorney to split up their assets. Paula hasn’t lived in the house since February, but neither she nor Robin have hired a divorce lawyer yet. You hear that Robin? She doesn’t have a divorce lawyer yet! Quick, start recording a follow-up to Paula called Paula Don’t Call Trope and Trope!
Obviously this could all be just another jenga block in the publicity stunt pyramid Robin and Paula have been building since he was photographed with his hand up a skank’s ass, but I think he’s actually selling his house because he was probably having a tough time getting laid. Most true-blue sluts have a sixth sense for detecting the presence of a bottom bitch in the atmosphere (usually by way of a tingle in their pussy or gag reflex). So every time Robin brought a new blonde trick home, they no doubt would freeze upon entry, put their hand to their pussy like a slutty psychic and ask “Did a wife or a long-term girlfriend used to live here? I’m sensing drama. I should go.”
I know, it’s weird seeing Robin Thicke’s fingers when they’re not up his side piece’s cooze.
After getting beautifully trolled by Twitter, Alan Thicke’s son took his ass to Ebro in the Morning on New York’s Hot97 (Side note: They should’ve temporarily changed the name to Ebola in the Morning when Robin Thicke was on) to push the creepy album of “get Paula back” songs that Paula Patton could use against him to get a restraining order if she wasn’t in on it since more publicity equals more cash. The Summer’s Eve lothario, who has aired all of his douche laundry in an album that’s predicted to flop, says that he’s trying to keep most of his break-up with Paula private, but then he said that he hasn’t seen her face in person for months.
“I try to keep most of that private, but, I haven’t seen her for four months. If you’ve been together that long, you kinda became adults together instead of being adults and then meeting. But maybe a year or two off, we’ll become our own people without each other and then it will be meant to be.”
I don’t think Robin is telling the whole truth. If the break-up isn’t one big, giant PR stunt orchestrated by the both of them and Paula really doesn’t want to be with him, then I bet he has seen her plenty of times in the past four months even though she hasn’t seen him. I’m sure Robin sneaks into her house in the middle of the night and after he watches her sleep and smells her breath, he jacks off into her panty drawer while silently weeping. I think he wrote a song about that. Speaking of songs, Robin says that Paula hasn’t heard all of them:
“She hasn’t heard [the album],” the crooner admitted. “She’s only heard a few songs. I don’t think she wants to hear it right now. I can’t speak for her, but I think space is an important part of any healing process. She’s the best girl in the world, a great mother, and still a good friend. I want to wish her well and let her know that she’s a great person and she deserves to have a good life… She was my rock… Everything we have right now, we built together.”
And Robin says that their marriage didn’t die because his wandering dick blew the lid off of their open marriage ways:
“[Cheating] is not why we’re apart. We’re apart because we just couldn’t be together anymore for a while. There’s a hundred different reasons, there isn’t just one. There’s a long list… I changed, and I got a little too selfish, a little too greedy, and little too full of myself.”
Yes, Robin is really showing that he’s shed his doucheness, because nothing says “unselfish” like putting out an album full of creepy stalker songs about your ex and then talking about your ex in interview after interview to sell as many copies of said creepy album as possible. Robin has totally changed! Robin is no longer a douche (but that vinegar and dead wildflowers odor that wafts up out of your twat every time you see his face tells you otherwise).
And here’s the video for one of Robin’s creepy songs. Yes, Robin brought the children into it, but I’m just glad that he dressed them in outfits from the J. Crew bridal catalog instead of making them wear what the Blurred Lines chicks wore, or didn’t wear. At least he’s showing SOME restraint.
If you’ve ever wanted to see a desperate leftover from 2013 cling by a ball hair to relevance by giving sad douchebag eyes for 3 minutes and 43 seconds, you’re in luck! AZO’s most relentless foe Robin Thicke has released the first video from his remorse-adjacent album Paula, and just like the album art and track listing, the video for “Get Her Back” is another shameless stunt queen move.
Robin Thicke is as predictable as the rash you get after riding a questionable dick, so I was anticipating to see one of the malnourished models from the “Blurred Lines” video wearing a Paula Patton mask being chased around by a crying Robin in a giant heart suit past a group of hooker-looking sluts stand in front of a sign that reads “NO MORE STRANGE, I PROMISE!”. Instead, we got a half-assed FX promo for American Horror Story: STD Factory.
“Get Her Back” is like if you took Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 U” video, threw it in a busted Slap Chop with herpes, an apology card from the dollar store, a data plan with unlimited texting, the theme from Growing Pains, a can of AXE Body Spray, and a restraining order. Or maybe this is Robin trying to be ~deep~ and everything in this video is a metaphor for something else. For example, the water represents the essence of douche. The skeleton represent how his career died along with the word #YOLO. The bloody nose represents…well, that’s just from doing too much coke with the call girl he hired the morning of the shoot.
Regardless of what he was going for, one thing is for certain: now we all know what the doctor at the free clinic sees under their microscope when a girl walks in and says: “I had unprotected sex with Robin Thicke and I think I might have caught something”:
Tori Spelling and The Deaner, take note: THIS is how you shamelessly whore out a busted relationship caused by a sleazy slut husband’s inability to refrain from sticking his dirty dick in an endless number of random tricks.
Human yeast infection Robin Thicke has revealed the next step in his foolproof plan of winning back his former bottom bitch Paula Patton by leaking the album art for his upcoming album Paula, and I hate Robin Thicke for many reasons, but right now I hate him for ruining Rasta colors for me; I’ll never be able to look at Ras Trent again without thinking of that HPV-hustling’ cooter-hound. Oh, and nice choice of font; was Jokerman already taken?
The track list has also been released, and when I guessed at what songs would be joining “Get Her Back” on Paula, I wasn’t very far off. These are the songs that Robin Thicke thinks will make Paula’s pussy weep tears of joy and come running back into his waiting arms:
1. “You’re My Fantasy”
2. “Get Her Back”
3. “Still Madly Crazy”
4. “Lock the Door”
5. “Whatever I Want”
6. “Living in New York City”
7. “Love Can Grow Back”
8. “Black Tar Cloud”
9. “Too Little Too Late”
10. “Tippy Toes”
11. “Something Bad” (aka The Rash You’ll Get From Fucking Robin)
12. “The Opposite of Me”
13. “Time of Your Life”
14. “Forever Love”
This is a joke, right? It has to be. I’m starting to think this is all just an elaborate prank and Robin Thicke is trolling at a master level. I wouldn’t be surprised if several of those tracks are just recordings of Robin Thicke crying. He’ll probably take it to the next level by showing up at the VMAs in a pair of old sweatpants and a homemade t-shirt with a picture of Paula’s face printed on the front, and instead of performing a song, he’ll sit on the edge of the stage, clutching a photo album, and asking if anyone wants to see some memories.
Us Weekly says that human urinary tract infection Robin Thicke has launched Phase II of his shameless stunt queen plot to woo Paula Patton back into his pussy-scented life by naming his upcoming album after his estranged wife. Robin’s rep (a talking tube of anti-fungal cream) has confirmed that his next album will be called Paula and will feature that “Get Her Back” song he’s been desperately hustling. The album will be released on July 1st, so you have plenty of time to decide whether to not buy it or not buy it.
I don’t want to make a lazy pun (“Oh yes you do” – my brain) but Robin is laying it on a little thick. We all know it’s only a matter of time until these two publicity whores reunite on the cover of People with the headline “IT WORKED! The “Get Her Back” singer GOT HER BACK!”, so he doesn’t have to try so hard. He’s going to burn himself out. I don’t know where he finds the time to think up new ways to declare his love for Paula; he already spends 22 hours a day fucking anything in a thong with a pulse and a set of clip-in blonde hair extensions.
Besides the title, not much else is known about Paula, but you don’t have to be Miss Cleo to predict that every track on that damn album will sound like the most obvious bullshit this side of a Britney Spears concert. The first single, “Get Her Back”, will be followed by “Sorry”, “My Love”, “Sorry My Love”, “Getting Back My Love”, “Get Her Back To Say Sorry”, and “I Love Her (the Get Her Back Skrillex remix)”, all of which will be performed live by Robin dressed up like Ned Flanders on Valentine’s Day” during a telethon hosted by Alan Thicke.
Robin Thicke has loudly let it be known that he wants his wife of over 8 years Paula Patton back and he’s done everything except for hold a boombox outside of her bedroom window. But I’m sure he’s currently being fitted for a trench coat to make that happen. Robin told the audience at one of his shows last month that he was trying to get his girl back and at his show in Atlantic City last week, he did a cover of “Let’s Stay Together” and dedicated it to Paula. TMZ says that Robin’s public displays of begging are working and Paula is close to taking him back. “What a surprising and shocking development,” said not one bitch.
TMZ says that sources in Robin and Paula’s circle (there’s several finger banging jokes in there) are telling them that she is slowly stepping away from divorce papers and is considering giving their marriage another try. Even though Paula is not impressed with Robin’s eye roll-worthy public declarations of love, she’s been talking to him over the phone all the time and telling him what he needs to do to make their marriage work. Those phone calls must be really short. Because if Paula’s telling him what to do to keep their blessed union intact, she’s probably only saying 10 words to him: “Keep your ho shit antics on the down low, slut.”
Sources also tell TMZ that Robin’s been hanging out with their kid when he can and that pleases Paula.
For those of you who labeled Robin and Paula’s split as a shameless stunt, this is playing out exactly the way you thought it would play out.
1. Paula tells the media that she’s broken up with Robin after he gets caught with his sticky fingers in the cookie jar. (The cookies were oatmeal in case you wondering.)
2. Robin acts like a devoted and caring husband by publicly telling everyone that he wants to save his marriage.
3. Robin and Paula leak stories to TMZ about how he’s begging her to take him back and she’s like “whatever” but is slowly warming to the idea.
4. Paula and Robin declare that they’re back together on the cover of People and the headline is: “NO MORE BLURRED LINES! We’re Fighting For Our Love!” Robin is husband of the year! Paula is wife of the year! Their marriage is marriage of the year! Everyone forgets about those open marriage rumors! And cherubs put down the arrows they were going to stabs themselves in the hearts with, because true love is restored! Meanwhile, groupie whores hoping to get a piece of Robin shrug, because they know the game he’s playing. And Katy Perry makes a sad face, because her dream of publicly dating every man slut in The Man Slut Trifecta is over for now.