Paula Patton popped up in public last night at an Emmys party wearing a demure version of the famed forever Slut Dress. Yes, this is basically the Slut Dress’ aunt. She’s the one who travels everywhere with the Slut Dress’ grandmother and has crotched (ooo, I get to type “typo and it stays!”) covers for her Iris Murdoch and Maeve Binchy novels.
If it’s possible, the Amazonian Paula led with her ass last night. I’m not gonna shade her because I saw how she beat the shit out of that little French girl in Mission Impossible 16 or whatever. Chick’s a brute.
According to the NY Daily News, Patton hasn’t been seen since the Vanity Fair Oscars party back in March, which was only days after the announcement that she had left her human roofie of a husband, Robin Thicke. She’s stayed undercover since then, probably burning all of her old clothes. Cuz’ you know whenever Thicke had a trick over she was trying on Paula’s dresses à la crazed Kate Mara hatin’ Robin Wright in House of Cards.
Check out pics of Paula Patton keeping it classy AND assy last night at Craig’s Restaurant in the gallery below.
Poor lovelorn d-bag Robin Thicke. According to TMZ, releasing a serial killer-y album full of stalker ballads that sold all of 50 copies hasn’t won back the affections of his estranged wife Paula Patton like he thought it would. I know, I’m shocked too; who of us wouldn’t swoon to the moon and back if the human equivalent of gonorrhea wrote you a bunch of songs that sound like a 15-year-old’s crappy LiveJournal poetry?
A source (Alan Thicke’s magic talking penis) tells TMZ that Robin has put their house up for sale and hired an attorney to split up their assets. Paula hasn’t lived in the house since February, but neither she nor Robin have hired a divorce lawyer yet. You hear that Robin? She doesn’t have a divorce lawyer yet! Quick, start recording a follow-up to Paula called Paula Don’t Call Trope and Trope!
Obviously this could all be just another jenga block in the publicity stunt pyramid Robin and Paula have been building since he was photographed with his hand up a skank’s ass, but I think he’s actually selling his house because he was probably having a tough time getting laid. Most true-blue sluts have a sixth sense for detecting the presence of a bottom bitch in the atmosphere (usually by way of a tingle in their pussy or gag reflex). So every time Robin brought a new blonde trick home, they no doubt would freeze upon entry, put their hand to their pussy like a slutty psychic and ask “Did a wife or a long-term girlfriend used to live here? I’m sensing drama. I should go.”
I know, it’s weird seeing Robin Thicke’s fingers when they’re not up his side piece’s cooze.
After getting beautifully trolled by Twitter, Alan Thicke’s son took his ass to Ebro in the Morning on New York’s Hot97 (Side note: They should’ve temporarily changed the name to Ebola in the Morning when Robin Thicke was on) to push the creepy album of “get Paula back” songs that Paula Patton could use against him to get a restraining order if she wasn’t in on it since more publicity equals more cash. The Summer’s Eve lothario, who has aired all of his douche laundry in an album that’s predicted to flop, says that he’s trying to keep most of his break-up with Paula private, but then he said that he hasn’t seen her face in person for months.
“I try to keep most of that private, but, I haven’t seen her for four months. If you’ve been together that long, you kinda became adults together instead of being adults and then meeting. But maybe a year or two off, we’ll become our own people without each other and then it will be meant to be.”
I don’t think Robin is telling the whole truth. If the break-up isn’t one big, giant PR stunt orchestrated by the both of them and Paula really doesn’t want to be with him, then I bet he has seen her plenty of times in the past four months even though she hasn’t seen him. I’m sure Robin sneaks into her house in the middle of the night and after he watches her sleep and smells her breath, he jacks off into her panty drawer while silently weeping. I think he wrote a song about that. Speaking of songs, Robin says that Paula hasn’t heard all of them:
“She hasn’t heard [the album],” the crooner admitted. “She’s only heard a few songs. I don’t think she wants to hear it right now. I can’t speak for her, but I think space is an important part of any healing process. She’s the best girl in the world, a great mother, and still a good friend. I want to wish her well and let her know that she’s a great person and she deserves to have a good life… She was my rock… Everything we have right now, we built together.”
And Robin says that their marriage didn’t die because his wandering dick blew the lid off of their open marriage ways:
“[Cheating] is not why we’re apart. We’re apart because we just couldn’t be together anymore for a while. There’s a hundred different reasons, there isn’t just one. There’s a long list… I changed, and I got a little too selfish, a little too greedy, and little too full of myself.”
Yes, Robin is really showing that he’s shed his doucheness, because nothing says “unselfish” like putting out an album full of creepy stalker songs about your ex and then talking about your ex in interview after interview to sell as many copies of said creepy album as possible. Robin has totally changed! Robin is no longer a douche (but that vinegar and dead wildflowers odor that wafts up out of your twat every time you see his face tells you otherwise).
And here’s the video for one of Robin’s creepy songs. Yes, Robin brought the children into it, but I’m just glad that he dressed them in outfits from the J. Crew bridal catalog instead of making them wear what the Blurred Lines chicks wore, or didn’t wear. At least he’s showing SOME restraint.
If you’ve ever wanted to see a desperate leftover from 2013 cling by a ball hair to relevance by giving sad douchebag eyes for 3 minutes and 43 seconds, you’re in luck! AZO’s most relentless foe Robin Thicke has released the first video from his remorse-adjacent album Paula, and just like the album art and track listing, the video for “Get Her Back” is another shameless stunt queen move.
Robin Thicke is as predictable as the rash you get after riding a questionable dick, so I was anticipating to see one of the malnourished models from the “Blurred Lines” video wearing a Paula Patton mask being chased around by a crying Robin in a giant heart suit past a group of hooker-looking sluts stand in front of a sign that reads “NO MORE STRANGE, I PROMISE!”. Instead, we got a half-assed FX promo for American Horror Story: STD Factory.
“Get Her Back” is like if you took Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 U” video, threw it in a busted Slap Chop with herpes, an apology card from the dollar store, a data plan with unlimited texting, the theme from Growing Pains, a can of AXE Body Spray, and a restraining order. Or maybe this is Robin trying to be ~deep~ and everything in this video is a metaphor for something else. For example, the water represents the essence of douche. The skeleton represent how his career died along with the word #YOLO. The bloody nose represents…well, that’s just from doing too much coke with the call girl he hired the morning of the shoot.
Regardless of what he was going for, one thing is for certain: now we all know what the doctor at the free clinic sees under their microscope when a girl walks in and says: “I had unprotected sex with Robin Thicke and I think I might have caught something”:
Tori Spelling and The Deaner, take note: THIS is how you shamelessly whore out a busted relationship caused by a sleazy slut husband’s inability to refrain from sticking his dirty dick in an endless number of random tricks.
Human yeast infection Robin Thicke has revealed the next step in his foolproof plan of winning back his former bottom bitch Paula Patton by leaking the album art for his upcoming album Paula, and I hate Robin Thicke for many reasons, but right now I hate him for ruining Rasta colors for me; I’ll never be able to look at Ras Trent again without thinking of that HPV-hustling’ cooter-hound. Oh, and nice choice of font; was Jokerman already taken?
The track list has also been released, and when I guessed at what songs would be joining “Get Her Back” on Paula, I wasn’t very far off. These are the songs that Robin Thicke thinks will make Paula’s pussy weep tears of joy and come running back into his waiting arms:
1. “You’re My Fantasy”
2. “Get Her Back”
3. “Still Madly Crazy”
4. “Lock the Door”
5. “Whatever I Want”
6. “Living in New York City”
7. “Love Can Grow Back”
8. “Black Tar Cloud”
9. “Too Little Too Late”
10. “Tippy Toes”
11. “Something Bad” (aka The Rash You’ll Get From Fucking Robin)
12. “The Opposite of Me”
13. “Time of Your Life”
14. “Forever Love”
This is a joke, right? It has to be. I’m starting to think this is all just an elaborate prank and Robin Thicke is trolling at a master level. I wouldn’t be surprised if several of those tracks are just recordings of Robin Thicke crying. He’ll probably take it to the next level by showing up at the VMAs in a pair of old sweatpants and a homemade t-shirt with a picture of Paula’s face printed on the front, and instead of performing a song, he’ll sit on the edge of the stage, clutching a photo album, and asking if anyone wants to see some memories.
Us Weekly says that human urinary tract infection Robin Thicke has launched Phase II of his shameless stunt queen plot to woo Paula Patton back into his pussy-scented life by naming his upcoming album after his estranged wife. Robin’s rep (a talking tube of anti-fungal cream) has confirmed that his next album will be called Paula and will feature that “Get Her Back” song he’s been desperately hustling. The album will be released on July 1st, so you have plenty of time to decide whether to not buy it or not buy it.
I don’t want to make a lazy pun (“Oh yes you do” – my brain) but Robin is laying it on a little thick. We all know it’s only a matter of time until these two publicity whores reunite on the cover of People with the headline “IT WORKED! The “Get Her Back” singer GOT HER BACK!”, so he doesn’t have to try so hard. He’s going to burn himself out. I don’t know where he finds the time to think up new ways to declare his love for Paula; he already spends 22 hours a day fucking anything in a thong with a pulse and a set of clip-in blonde hair extensions.
Besides the title, not much else is known about Paula, but you don’t have to be Miss Cleo to predict that every track on that damn album will sound like the most obvious bullshit this side of a Britney Spears concert. The first single, “Get Her Back”, will be followed by “Sorry”, “My Love”, “Sorry My Love”, “Getting Back My Love”, “Get Her Back To Say Sorry”, and “I Love Her (the Get Her Back Skrillex remix)”, all of which will be performed live by Robin dressed up like Ned Flanders on Valentine’s Day” during a telethon hosted by Alan Thicke.
Robin Thicke has loudly let it be known that he wants his wife of over 8 years Paula Patton back and he’s done everything except for hold a boombox outside of her bedroom window. But I’m sure he’s currently being fitted for a trench coat to make that happen. Robin told the audience at one of his shows last month that he was trying to get his girl back and at his show in Atlantic City last week, he did a cover of “Let’s Stay Together” and dedicated it to Paula. TMZ says that Robin’s public displays of begging are working and Paula is close to taking him back. “What a surprising and shocking development,” said not one bitch.
TMZ says that sources in Robin and Paula’s circle (there’s several finger banging jokes in there) are telling them that she is slowly stepping away from divorce papers and is considering giving their marriage another try. Even though Paula is not impressed with Robin’s eye roll-worthy public declarations of love, she’s been talking to him over the phone all the time and telling him what he needs to do to make their marriage work. Those phone calls must be really short. Because if Paula’s telling him what to do to keep their blessed union intact, she’s probably only saying 10 words to him: “Keep your ho shit antics on the down low, slut.”
Sources also tell TMZ that Robin’s been hanging out with their kid when he can and that pleases Paula.
For those of you who labeled Robin and Paula’s split as a shameless stunt, this is playing out exactly the way you thought it would play out.
1. Paula tells the media that she’s broken up with Robin after he gets caught with his sticky fingers in the cookie jar. (The cookies were oatmeal in case you wondering.)
2. Robin acts like a devoted and caring husband by publicly telling everyone that he wants to save his marriage.
3. Robin and Paula leak stories to TMZ about how he’s begging her to take him back and she’s like “whatever” but is slowly warming to the idea.
4. Paula and Robin declare that they’re back together on the cover of People and the headline is: “NO MORE BLURRED LINES! We’re Fighting For Our Love!” Robin is husband of the year! Paula is wife of the year! Their marriage is marriage of the year! Everyone forgets about those open marriage rumors! And cherubs put down the arrows they were going to stabs themselves in the hearts with, because true love is restored! Meanwhile, groupie whores hoping to get a piece of Robin shrug, because they know the game he’s playing. And Katy Perry makes a sad face, because her dream of publicly dating every man slut in The Man Slut Trifecta is over for now.
Usually Christina Hendricks uses scaffolding, two tire jacks and five rolls of duct tape to hike her magnificent chichis all the way past her face until they’re touching her eyebrows. But at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night, her Mount Everest titty balls weren’t suffocating and they weren’t touching God’s feet and hos probably said to her, “So that’s what your face looks like, bitch!”
Christina Hendricks’ chichi domes look magnificent when they’re squeezed up to the roof of heaven or when they look like two extra large mounds of uncooked sourdough cooling on a rack (see: above), but what in Mrs. Roper’s cleaning dress HELL is that on her body?! When I was in the 4th grade, I had a friend whose mom didn’t have money to buy her a Halloween costume, so I helped her make a witch costume using a nun’s gown I wore the year before (yes, I was a nun for Halloween in the 3rd grade, don’t ask how much shit I got for that), a black curtain panel from Ikea and black construction paper. My friend’s costume cost zero dollars, was busted as fuck and was made by two brats whose hands were shaking from eating too much candy and it still looked more luxurious and fashion forward than that shit Christina wore. That dress looks like something Endora would wear to the funeral of a whore she hated. It looks like something from the American Horror Story: Coven collection at Dress Barn.
With all that being said, Christina Hendricks, hausfrau in mourning dress and all, was still the hottest look at that VF party (no, it wasn’t), because mostly everybody else (just Kate Beckinsale) looked like the last place loser at the Miss Bolivia 1993 pageant.
Screw the editors of Gravity, American Hustle and that Captain Phillips shit! The biggest achievement in editing for this year and last year and all years goes to who ever edited the Independent Spirit Awards last night. AMERICAN CITIZEN Laura Jeanne Poon, who looks like she’s got an AMERICAN CITIZEN FETUS lying in her AMERICAN CITIZEN UTERUS, was presenting the award for Best Screenplay with the Texas T-Rex at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday and after the winner was announced they cut to hos clapping in the audience and one of those clappity clapping hos was Laura Jeanne Poon. How did she do it!? Laura Jeanne Poon is a witch! Laura Jeanne Poon is a teleporter! Laura Jeanne Poon has a twin! Laura Jeanne Poon has road runner legs and can get from the stage to her seat in seconds!
But really, who can we trust if we can’t trust the director and editors of award shows to give us authentic and real clips of celeb whores clapping? We should question all celebrity clapping cutaways. We should question everything. And on a different note, Anne Hathaway is probably hating on Laura Jeanne Poon hard right now, because it’s her wet dream of all wet dreams to watch herself in the audience clapping for herself on stage.
And here’s pictures of a bunch of tricks who showed up to the Spirit awards yesterday. Come for The Hammaconda (“I have already, a few times today, actually”- you) and stay for John Waters.
After canceling show after show because his marriage is slow dancing with the Grim Reaper, Robin Thicke took his slut ass back to the stage last night and took a minute to tell the audience that he’s trying to win Paula Patton back. Before dedicating his song “Lost Without U” to her at the Patriot Center in Fairfax, VA, the smooth tampon in a black suit summoned a wave of “awwwwws” (and an eye roll out of me) out of the audience when he dribbled this out:
“For those of you who don’t know, my wife and I got separated a few days ago. But you know I want everybody to know that I’m trying to get my girl back. But you know, she told me, she said, ‘You should go out there and tell the truth. You should tell them you’re trying to get me back.’ She’s a good woman, you know.”
I can’t with all those audience members getting feelings over this STUNT QUEEN speech… You know that after the show, one of them let Robin cry out lonely tears onto her chichis before he wiped ‘em off with his hand and used ‘em as cooch lube. While Robin is busy trying to get his girl back, I’m sure his hand will be busy trying to grab another girl’s back.
I know I think everything is some STUNT QUEEN shit, but the way this is playing out… Robin is acting like he and Paula are the love story of our time and we should all be rooting for them to get back together. Bitch, this ain’t Say Anything and you ain’t John Cusack. But you know he’s going to invite TMZ to shoot him as he stands outside of Paula house while holding up a boombox blaring “In Your Eyes.” I’m already getting the heaves just thinking about it.
Pics: Splash (Thanks to Jennifer for the video!)