Sausage Party is that computer animated horror movie about talking food murder that was made by stoners for stoners and it had its premiere in L.A. last night. Salma Hayek does the voice of a gayelle taco shell named Teresa in Sausage Party and so she was at the premiere where she grabbed the buns of a giant hot dog bun in heels and posed with two lettuce heads as though they were her tits. I will say the same thing I said when I somehow* caught myself watching most of Grown Ups 2 on Starz one night:
Salma Hayek, you can act, you’re hot and you’re married to a billionaire. You do not need to do this shit. The end.
But now that I think about it, maybe being married to an over-filled money vault depleted all of the fucks she had to give and now she does whatever she wants. Maybe she really wants to be in an Adam Sandler movie, and do the voice of a taco-bumping taco and pose with lettuce tits. Well, if that’s the case, then Salma should’ve at least gotten one of her minions to fetch her ass some lettuce heads that weren’t falling apart and didn’t look all sad-like. They’re doing a disservice to real magnificent chichis!
And here’s pictures of a bunch of people at last night’s premiere. When exactly did Michael Cera shape-shift into Fran Lebowitz?
* Blame it on the weed mixed with my self-hate.
Everyone must’ve kept heir vagines bare last night and didn’t wear chonies, because as soon as the Met Gala co-chair Idris Elba hit the carpet, panties should’ve dropped like Carly Fiorina introducing our “next president” Ted Cruz. Either that or all of those famous assholes were too stuck on themselves to notice hotness on the carpet.
Idris led the Hot Dudes in Tuxes parade, which included Alexander Skarsgard, Rami Malek, Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones, Tom Hiddleston, Paul Rudd, Jack Huston and Colin Farrell, who looks like he actually let someone spray the layers of grease off of his body with a garden hose. None of those dudes really played with the theme. I wish that at least one of those tricks took a page out of Madge’s thirsty ass playbook by wearing something like this:
Elegant, demure and totally ON THEME!
The UK premiere for Captain America: Civil War happened earlier today, and if Deadline’s numbers are correct, it’s going to make a mess of money. They’ve already predicted it will make $200-$230 million overseas this week, and then another $200 million when it opens in North America a week later. Basically, it’s probably safe to assume that CA:CW is going to make Robert Downey Jr. even richer than he already is. With that being said, I would assume RDJ is in the kind of financial position that would prevent him from strolling onto a red carpet in a pair of truly busted DIY-looking pants, but apparently that’s not the case.
I do not know what kind of look RDJ’s stylist was going for here. Those little black flare panels appears to be a deliberate choice, but who knows? Maybe they’re the result of RDJ misplacing both his Spanxles™ (Spanx for cankles) and his spare pair of premiere pants, and frantically MacGyvering something together in the limo on the way over. “Quick! I need a pair of scissors, a glue gun, and the fabric from the lining of your jacket. I don’t care that you won’t get your deposit back from the uniform rental company, it’s a fashion emergency!”
Whatever the reason, I do know that Robert Downey Jr.s’ faux-flares are giving me major flashbacks to the summer before 10th grade when everyone was cutting open the bottom of their jeans and sewing in panels of fabric in an attempt to make their own raver pants. Yes, technically the flare panels are supposed to be on the outside of your leg and not the inside. But I’m willing to give RDJ a pass if, and only if, he’s also wearing a million bead bracelets on one of his arms and a metal ball necklace under that shirt.
Here’s more from the UK premiere of Captain America: Probably Better Than Batman v Superman.
If you’ve ever been to a wedding with an open bar, you know that it’s bound to get messy. For instance, I’ve been to a wedding where the bride’s elderly aunt got so hammered on Long Island Iced Teas that she tried to take her top off in the middle of the dance floor to “Sex Bomb” and got all tangled up in her shirt like a tuna in a net before falling into the dessert table. But I’ve never been to a wedding where someone whipped out their dick. I clearly don’t get invited to the right kind of weddings.
But there are people out there who have been to a wedding where they saw two guest penises, and those two penises belonged to handsome DILFs Adam Scott and Paul Rudd. “I’d like to go back in time and find that wedding,” said everyone who gets the vapors for Adam Scott and Paul Rudd. According to Adam, who told the story during an appearance on Late Night with Seth Meyers on Wednesday night, he and Paul decided to pull out their dicks while filming a video message to the bride and groom. Unfortunately, the video was played at the reception, and the bride, the groom and Great Aunt Agnes all got an eyeful of dick.
Afterward, the groom told them they needed to get out, so they left, and didn’t return until the next morning, when they came back to apologize.
Everyone knows that the messiness that happens at a wedding is nothing compared to the next-level MESS that happens at a bachelor/bachelorette party, so I have no idea why nobody screened that video before it was played. If there’s anytime someone is going to get hammered and decide to whip out their dick or flash their cooch on camera, it’s during the bachelor/bachelorette party.
Just like Betty White, Mickey Rourke’s leather tits and Grumpy Cat’s grumpy face, Paul Rudd just keeps getting finer and hotter with age. Paul Rudd is that friend’s geeky older brother who used to fart in his own hand and smell them and talk about video games all the time (if you replaced “video games” with “House Hunters,” I think I just described myself), and when you see him 10 years later, he’s suddenly hot and you just want to give him a hand job in the bathroom while catching up.
Here he is struttin’ his ass in Cabo last Friday. I’d hit Object of My Affection-era Paul Rudd, so of course I’d hit this Paul Rudd. It even looks like Paul Rudd has one of those fur patches above his ass, so you’d have something to grab onto when he’s hitting it from the front.
Anderson Cooper’s talk show ends next summer and he’s dedicated to stuffing (wink wink) as many innuendos into his show as possible before it leaves TV screens forever. Case in point: The cast of This Is 40 was on and Paul Rudd was talking about his love of pickles while chomping on a pickle when a little tip of his pickle flew out of his mouth and came at The Silver Fox. Paul Rudd then said, “You just got tickled by a pickle.” To which The Silver Fox said, “Oooooh, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said that.” You so silly, Andy! Like you’ve ever topped. Just kidding, I’m sure Anderson meant that literally, because you know he’s into some serious food kink like tickling his pieces with a Vlasdick.