Coachella? Never heard of her. Essence Fest, step aside. The biggest and baddest music festival of the decade will be held in next Friday in Detroit, and you’d have to beg, steal, or slap on a wig and borrow somebody else’s identity, if you wanted to attend. Aretha Franklin’s homegoing celebration is scheduled for August 31, and the lineup of artists slated to perform includes Stevie Wonder, Chaka Khan, Jennifer Holliday, Jennifer Hudson, Fantasia, and a slew of other superstars from the gospel, classical, R&B worlds.
Aretha Franklin did all us pupils at the Skewl of Camp a favor earlier this year when it came out that she faxed over her true thoughts to Dionne Warwick over some lingering beef from Whitney Houston’s funeral. The throwback use of communication would normally deter a normal soul from lobbying any jabs, but no-no, henny. Ms. Patti LaBelle is no normal being, and she’s regretting that gel manicure she got on Monday because it’s Wednesday, and she’s ready to (subtly) sink her claws in to Miss A-Screech-a Franklin. Continue reading
And yes by “sweet air kisses of love,” I really mean “butt burp bubble of hate.” Although, it seems like Patti LuPone can’t even be bothered with producing a fart for Trump.
If La LuPone ever had a filter to begin with, I’m sure it broke and flew out of her mouth decades ago when she belted out a high note. Patti isn’t one to hold back her thoughts on anything. Patti was on Show People With Paul Wontorek last month to promote her Broadway show War Paint and she took a moment to shoot out an anti-Trump river of pure fire that was so piping hot I’m surprised it didn’t charbroil Paul’s face and leave him looking like….well, like Trump. Patti called Trump a “fucking ass motherfucking asshole,” “a fucking nut” and “certifiably insane.”
At this past Sunday’s Tonys, Patti gave a CliffsNotes version of that rant.
“Chile, why is Aretha Franklin buying her lace front wigs from Ali Express,” asked every Black woman in America.
Now before we get into the hilarity, I know what you’re thinking: “Is Michael moonlighting as a Black woman today?” And the answer is no, my love. Instead he’s hired an actual Black woman. My name is Carla and like Michael and fellow owner of a vagina, Allison we’re cut from the same cloth—i.e., we pretty much binge eat every aspect of pop culture for you so you don’t have to. Unlike everyone here, I like my pop culture with a big messy factor and I’m so hoping you’re into some petty shiznit (that and outdated slang that reeks of an older millennial). I just live for the petty and it doesn’t get messier than covering the lives of our modern day soaps in the form of celebrity culture. I’m also heavily into BBC, using words such as “nookie” to refer to any vagina and making arbitrary references. I’m looking forward to underwhelming you with the power of my nookie, so let’s begin and get back to Aretha.
Finally, a story that will lift your soul high and carry you into Saturday night on a cloud of YAASSSSSS.
TMZ says that living legend Patti LaBelle was performing in Vancouver last night, and she invited a few fans on stage to bump and grind during “Lady Marmalade.” Sadly, Patti’s security team didn’t exactly screen said fans well enough, because Patti found herself face to face with an aspiring stripper. Patti has professionalism pumping through her veins, so instead of throwing a handful of crumpled up $1 bills at him, she stopped her band, hissed “Don’t you dare“, and laid into his ass. She also came for Nicki Minaj’s ass and Miley Cyrus’ barely-there ass. Patti came for everybody, because Patti LaBelle is NOT here for anybody’s trashy hobag stripper antics!
“Or that little…um…Miley….” Well??? That little what? Hussy? It was totally hussy, wasn’t it Patti?
I absolutely loved it when that dude pretended to flash his ass at Patti and she hollered “Get off of my god-darned stage, BITCH!” It’s like she knew she was in Canada, so she tried to keep it polite by saying “darned“, but then her heart stepped in and reminded her that Patti LaBelle keeps it real, thus giving us that epic “BITCH” at the end.
The only thing I don’t get is Patti’s comment about stripper dude being brought to her by The Devil (at least that’s what I got from it). Is she trying to say that Hell is filled with strippers who bust it out to “Lady Marmalade“? Patti, I don’t know – that sounds more like Heaven to me.
It’s that time again. It’s time to play “How Many Names From The ‘Dancing For A Check’ Cast List Make Your Brain Shit Up A Question Mark?”
The Dancing with the Has-Beens season 20 cast was announced this morning, and you know, for the first time in a long time they are living up to the name Dancing with the Stars. I mean, both Suzanne Somers and Patti LaBelle are in the cast and their bright shining top tier A-list status is enough to elevate the Z-listers up to a low E. The new season doesn’t start until March 16th, so that gives Suzanne and Patti plenty of time to fake an injury during rehearsals to get out of this mess.
Every time a new cast is announced, I only read the names and count how many times I have to get my fingers to take me to Google to see who these bitches are. I only did that three times while reading this cast list. Either they’re getting bigger “stars” (HA!) or I don’t know how to do simple multiplication anymore, because that memory was replaced by knowing who the fuck Charlotte McKinney is. Definitely the latter. Here’s the list of the gigantic superstars (see: Suzanne and Patti), has-beens and never-wases who will dance for a check (or relevancy) next month:
Noah Galloway (partnered with Sharna Burgess), an army vet who lost part of his arm and leg while fighting in Iraq.
Robert Herjavec (partnered with Kym Johnson), a shark from Shark Tank.
Patti LaBelle (partnered with Artem Chigvintsev), legend and arch rival of Aretha Franklin.
Nastia Liukin (partnered with Derek Hough), Olympic gold medal-winning gymnast known to me as Nasty Nastia.
Riker Lynch (partnered with Allison Holker), someone who was on Glee for a handful of episodes.
Charlotte McKinney (partnered with Keo Motsepe), someone who ate a cheeseburger without her top on in a Carl’s Jr. commercial. I did not have to Google her name and this should really concern me.
RedFoo (partnered with Emma Slater), Sideshow Bob’s annoying cousin and ear assaulter from LMFAO.
Michael Sam (partnered Peta Murgatroyd), first openly gay player drafted into the NFL.
Willow Shields (partnered Mark Ballas), Katniss’ little sister in The Hunger Games movies.
Suzanne Somers (partnered with Tony Dovolani), star of She’s The Sheriff and the face of the Three Way Poncho!
Rumer Willis (partnered with Valentin Chmerkovskiy), someone who is known for being pulled out of Demi Moore’s cooch.
I haven’t seen this mess in a while, but I may watch it this season, because I really want to see Len Goodman almost get decapitated by the flying heel that Patti LaBelle will kick off to do the Samba.