Category: Patrick Schwarzenegger

Patrick Schwarzenegger Really Knows How To Pick ‘Em

June 14, 2013 / Posted by:

That title doesn’t have any coat of sarcasm on it. I mean it. Patrick Schwarzenegger really knows how to pick his pieces. Here’s the Austrian German Irish twinkie wearing an outfit from Urban Outfitters’ “Preppy Gays Going To Coachella” collection while struttin’ around St. Tropez with his girlfriend Taylor Burns. No, Patrick is not dating Taylor, because he’s already used to screaming the name “Taylor.” I’m guessing that Patrick is dating Taylor because of her nickname. UsWeekly says that Taylor’s nickname is:

TOOTSIE BURNS!

Hell, even I, who is gayer than John Travolta’s rainbow-colored anus ring, would date a girl if her name was TOOTSIE BURNS! Tootsie Burns sounds like the name of a baby that Tootsie and Mr. Burns made in the basement bathroom of a disco in the 1960s. Then that baby went on to become the biggest and most popular singer on the bathhouse circuit in the 1980s. I mean, how can you say the name Tootsie Burns without saying the words, “The Continental Baths are proud to present the only and only….” before it?

Pics: FameFlynet, Bauer Griffin

Taylor Lautner And Patrick Schwarzenegger Left A Party Together…

February 23, 2013 / Posted by:

Isn’t that how most twink porn fanfictions start….

Two members of the Exes of Taylor Swift Club left a pre-Oscar party in Brentwood last night and I’m sure they were just going somewhere quiet to spill the tea about Taylor Swift into each other’s ears. Taylor Lautner, who’s looking buffer than Madonna’s clit, showed up to the party by himself and afterward, his friend Patrick Schwarzenegger jumped into his Fisker and the two drove off. I am really disappointed in myself for not typing “Fister” instead of “Fisker.” My talent at making typos has failed me.

And to answer the question in your head, I think they flip flop.

If You’re A Kennedy, Taylor Swift Will Stick Her Tongue In Your Mouth

October 10, 2012 / Posted by:

Yes, it’s true (no, it’s not) that Taylor Swift pasted a picture of her head and Conor Kennedy’s head over JFK and Jackie Kennedy in their wedding picture and she keeps that picture next to her princess canopy bed, but don’t let that fool you. Taylor Swift is a Kennedy-stalking tramp ass slut who has a serious case of the delusions, because she obviously thinks she’s Marilyn Monroe. Trick is trying to fuck all the Kennedys. If you came out of a Kennedy’s poon, Taylor wants you in her poon.

A source tells Radar that on the outside it looks like Taylor’s only got pink hearts in her eyes for Conor Kennedy, but the truth is she’s seriously Kennedy-ized and will get on any member of the family. The source says that at a Kennedy family party recently, Taylor showed up with Conor Kennedy, but she secretly slipped away from him to make mouth love with 19-year-old Patrick Schwarzenegger, the son of Arnold Scharzenegger and Maria Shriver. Conor doesn’t know about it, but some of the Kennedys do and they’re not happy. And when a Kennedy isn’t happy with you, you in danger, girl. But Taylor is too dumb and squinty in the eyes to see that. The source said this:

“Taylor was making out with Patrick all night. The previous day, she was all over Conor, so she hooked up with two cousins on consecutive nights! Taylor and Patrick weren’t kissing out in the open, but she wasn’t being as subtle as she thought she was. They [the family] think she’s a hanger-on and find her obsession with the Kennedy cousins disconcerting Taylor lost the respect of everyone in the family. They despise her and don’t want her anywhere near Conor or Patrick.”

Taylor’s rep denies all of this.

This is seriously the Nick Jr. version of that Bobby, John and Marilyn mess.

Taylor wants to become a Kennedy so bad that if Ethel Kennedy winked at her for some reason, Taylor would sit on her face in a minute. So if Ethel Kennedy doesn’t want a mouthful of Taylor’s crab apple, she better keep her eyes down at all times. Hell, Taylor would even hump on THIS Kennedy. That’s how hard up she is.

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