The first time we saw horny human joint Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger, they were leaving Patrick’s apartment the morning after what many assumed was a night filled with Miley twerking her mudflaps against Patrick’s crotch and asking if he’d want to see her “sex mouse”. And now it looks like they’ve upgraded their relationship from We Might Be Fucking to Oh Yeah, We Fucking. Congrats, you two crazy kids!
Miley and Patrick decided to take their love public last night at a USC Trojans football game by taking selfies of themselves slobbering all over each other, and luckily a pap was there to catch the whole thing. That’s so great, because how many times have you tried to take a picture of you pretending to make out with your current fuck partner and thought “I really wish I had a picture of this from several different angles”? All the time, right? Not to mention that a college football game is the perfect place to announce to the world that you’re officially fucking, since there’s no more hallowed ground for horny crotch-bumping youngins than the jizz-sprayed bleachers of a football field.
And in case you’re wondering why a GED recipient from Billy Bob’s Backwoods Book Learnin’ Academy is wearing head-to-toe USC colors, it’s because Patrick went there. Then again, Miley could just be wearing it because she likes Trojans. “I also like LifeStyles and Durex and the ones which you gets from the gas station vending machines that taste like strawberry! Thems mah favorite!”
That feels a bit unfair, because at this point, isn’t nearly every semi-famous dude under 25 one of Taylor Swift’s leftovers? According to The Daily Mail and E! and a couple other sources who own a horny hillbilly radar machine, Herself the Elf’s glue-huffin’ trailer park cousin Miley Cyrus might be humping on Ah-nold Schwarzenegger’s hot aspiring pizza tycoon son Patrick. Get it girl! Get that sweet pizza dick!
Miley was seen leaving Patrick’s apartment on Friday, which we all know is the universal signal for “we done fucked”, but the love affair between Patrick and his backwoods lady love might have started waaay before that. In 2011, Patrick – who was dating Tater Head’s sister Talluah Willis at the time – gave an interview to Details where he admitted that he had his eyes set on Miley (the actual quote was “My eye, though, is set on Miley“, which is definitely not super creepy at all). Eventually they went on a couple dates after Patrick got Miley’s number from Selena Gomez, but nothing really ever came of it. Patrick then went on to tongue-fuck Tay Tay Swift during her Kennedy Family phase and date a trick named Tootsie, while Miley continued to be in a long-term relationship with weed. The fate intervened and was like “You two sluts should hook up again“, and here we are.
Tay Tay used to spend many a night wishing on a star like a skinny blond Fievel Mousekewitz to land a Kennedy man (or at the very least, something Kennedy-adjacent), so I would love to know what she thinks about Miss Moonshine moving in on her turf. If she’s anything like me, she probably can’t wait to see if this lasts long enough for Miley to make a summer trip to the Kennedy Compound. I would do ANYTHING to see the hillbilly stripper chipmunk all gussied up in her best seersucker thong and popping her pussy on the mast of a sail boat.
That title doesn’t have any coat of sarcasm on it. I mean it. Patrick Schwarzenegger really knows how to pick his pieces. Here’s the Austrian German Irish twinkie wearing an outfit from Urban Outfitters’ “Preppy Gays Going To Coachella” collection while struttin’ around St. Tropez with his girlfriend Taylor Burns. No, Patrick is not dating Taylor, because he’s already used to screaming the name “Taylor.” I’m guessing that Patrick is dating Taylor because of her nickname. UsWeekly says that Taylor’s nickname is:
Hell, even I, who is gayer than John Travolta’s rainbow-colored anus ring, would date a girl if her name was TOOTSIE BURNS! Tootsie Burns sounds like the name of a baby that Tootsie and Mr. Burns made in the basement bathroom of a disco in the 1960s. Then that baby went on to become the biggest and most popular singer on the bathhouse circuit in the 1980s. I mean, how can you say the name Tootsie Burns without saying the words, “The Continental Baths are proud to present the only and only….” before it?
Isn’t that how most twink porn fanfictions start….
Two members of the Exes of Taylor Swift Club left a pre-Oscar party in Brentwood last night and I’m sure they were just going somewhere quiet to spill the tea about Taylor Swift into each other’s ears. Taylor Lautner, who’s looking buffer than Madonna’s clit, showed up to the party by himself and afterward, his friend Patrick Schwarzenegger jumped into his Fisker and the two drove off. I am really disappointed in myself for not typing “Fister” instead of “Fisker.” My talent at making typos has failed me.
And to answer the question in your head, I think they flip flop.
Yes, it’s true (no, it’s not) that Taylor Swift pasted a picture of her head and Conor Kennedy’s head over JFK and Jackie Kennedy in their wedding picture and she keeps that picture next to her princess canopy bed, but don’t let that fool you. Taylor Swift is a Kennedy-stalking tramp ass slut who has a serious case of the delusions, because she obviously thinks she’s Marilyn Monroe. Trick is trying to fuck all the Kennedys. If you came out of a Kennedy’s poon, Taylor wants you in her poon.
A source tells Radar that on the outside it looks like Taylor’s only got pink hearts in her eyes for Conor Kennedy, but the truth is she’s seriously Kennedy-ized and will get on any member of the family. The source says that at a Kennedy family party recently, Taylor showed up with Conor Kennedy, but she secretly slipped away from him to make mouth love with 19-year-old Patrick Schwarzenegger, the son of Arnold Scharzenegger and Maria Shriver. Conor doesn’t know about it, but some of the Kennedys do and they’re not happy. And when a Kennedy isn’t happy with you, you in danger, girl. But Taylor is too dumb and squinty in the eyes to see that. The source said this:
“Taylor was making out with Patrick all night. The previous day, she was all over Conor, so she hooked up with two cousins on consecutive nights! Taylor and Patrick weren’t kissing out in the open, but she wasn’t being as subtle as she thought she was. They [the family] think she’s a hanger-on and find her obsession with the Kennedy cousins disconcerting Taylor lost the respect of everyone in the family. They despise her and don’t want her anywhere near Conor or Patrick.”
Taylor’s rep denies all of this.
This is seriously the Nick Jr. version of that Bobby, John and Marilyn mess.
Taylor wants to become a Kennedy so bad that if Ethel Kennedy winked at her for some reason, Taylor would sit on her face in a minute. So if Ethel Kennedy doesn’t want a mouthful of Taylor’s crab apple, she better keep her eyes down at all times. Hell, Taylor would even hump on THIS Kennedy. That’s how hard up she is.