Category: Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton Has Hired 24-7 Security For That Engagement Ring She Probably Bought

January 6, 2018 / Posted by:

The Leftovers was a fantastic show (and not just because Justin Theroux’s character liked to jog). You would reason that an intelligent human being associated with such a quality show would have the taste NOT to ask selfie inventress and celebrity Trumpette Paris Hilton to marry him. Unfortunately, brilliance isn’t contagious. (Although, he’s a big mess himself.)

Speaking of contagious, Paris Hilton recently got engaged to Leftovers actor Chris Zylka. He proposed to her with a $2 million dollar ring that YOU KNOW her ass bought. Perhaps thinking of a certain ex-bestie wrapped up in tape and jewel-less in a Parisian bathtub, Hilton has hired 24-7 security to guard her ring. Safes? Has she heard of safes?

TMZ reports that Paris has around-the-clock guards posted at her home because of a recent string of burglaries, including one that occurred at her aunt Kyle Richards’ place. Paris is so nervous that someone will risk something communicable and snatch the rock off of her claw that she also has plainclothes security dudes following her at all times. Imagine you work at an elite Beverly Hills security company and your latest assignment is to guard Paris Hilton’s weddin’ finger? And reportedly they’re ALWAYS with her. Lord knows where that finger’s been (lately it’s been up Trump’s ass).

In her defense, Sofia Coppola made a whole movie about Paris’ house being burgled so she probably has legit reason to fear the worst. But isn’t that sort of item insured for theft? Didn’t Paris, I mean Chris keep the receipt?

And note to Chris: this is a good preview of the rest of your life (aka the three months your marriage will last until your bride has milked it dry for publicity).

Pic: Instagram

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Paris Hilton Dissed Lindsay Lohan In An Interview About “Unholy Trinity” Picture

December 12, 2017 / Posted by:

Paris Hilton is supposed to be some kind of grown ass woman these days but it seems like she’s having a hard time letting go of the past. She disappeared for awhile and was blissfully absent from the public eye for several years only to reemerge when the she noticed that the atmosphere was hospitable for petty, egomaniacal, wispy haired people with namesake hotels, a penchant for revisionist history, manipulating the media and gaslighting their enemies. And so, much like a herpes flareup, Paris is back and it’s embarrassing.

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Paris Hilton Would Like Credit For Everything Wrong With Today’s Youth Culture

November 28, 2017 / Posted by:

Paris Hilton is a lot of things. A Princess? Sure. Polarizing? Absolutely. A Pioneer? Depends on who you ask. If you ask Paris she’ll tell you “well, like duh?”. Or at least that’s how she would have said it before when she was riding high as queen of dingbat blond heiress socialites. I’m not sure how she talks these days because like what is her deal now? She’s some kind of high society matron? So basically the same thing but with frumpier clothes and a holier than thou attitude? Got it.

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Paris Hilton Tried To Say She And Britney Spears Invented The Selfie

November 20, 2017 / Posted by:

The socialite of yesteryear, Paris Hilton, likes to take credit for a lot of the shit we do/endure these days. For instance, we can blame her for “That’s hot,” the annoying AF celeb inundation at Coachella, and Kim Kardashian. So it only makes sense that Paris is trying to take claim for another invention that isn’t exactly hers. Continue reading

Paris Hilton Is Sorry For The Dumb Shit She Said About Trump’s Accusers

August 17, 2017 / Posted by:

Oh, what do we have here? A plastic container filled with expired leftovers from the mid-2000s that really should have been slipped into the trash years ago but for some reason continues to linger in the back of the fridge? Well yes, but it’s also a leftover that is just so sorry some recent gross ass-kissing comments went viral and made her sound like a terrible person. Heavens, we wouldn’t want anyone to think that about Paris Hilton, would we?

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“Feminist” Paris Hilton Thinks Women Only Accuse Trump Of Assault For Money

August 16, 2017 / Posted by:

For some reason, the editorial board at Marie Claire still thinks it’s 2007, and it is somehow imperative to interview Paris Hilton for her “career,” which, last time I checked, these days simply involves pressing play on a Spotify playlist and leading the Conga line at a foam party in Ibiza.

Because you go straight to hell if you interview a lady celeb and don’t ask her about feminism and virginity, and we all know Paris’s stance on the latter, the interviewer asked her about the former. Her response was very Paris: Continue reading

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