Many Chihuahuas look like they just watched the “bite the curb” scene in American History X. All traumatized and shit. That’s just they’re natural look, but Parasite Hilton’s latest living accessory is probably traumatized for real. You would be too if you were constantly dressed up in tragic raver toddler outfits and heard horror stories from the other dogs about “the closet.” That is the traumatized look of a chihuahua who has to listen to Paris’ stupid slutty baby voice day in and day out.
Phoebe Price, the Kartrashian/Jenners, the Vanderpump Rules tricks, the Bachelor cast-offs and every other reality mess must’ve been busy yesterday, because the paps took pictures of the original vapid fame whore leaving a restaurant in Beverly Hills with just one of her 6,983 dogs. Parasite bought the teacup Chihuahua a few months ago for $8,000 and I guess the poor thing is the new Tinkerbell (never 4get Tinkerbell), because Diamond Baby gets the honor of being whored out for the paps in rejected Punky Brewster outfits.
I don’t know what’s sadder: Parasite committing animal cruelty by making Diamond Baby wear that shit, or the fact that I actually like the name Diamond Baby. Hey, I like fourth-tier stripper names for dogs, which is why if I ever get another dog, I’m going to name it Cristal Chardonnay. And just like that, every dog shelter in the country has banned my ass.
Many last-minute attention whore dreams came true for Kris Jenner this year, all thanks to her annual Khristmas party. She got tons of attention by keeping Blac Chyna’s name off the guest list, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West temporarily killed those divorce rumors by taking an awkward family picture together and now this little crusty nugget. Paris Hilton went to Kris’ party and posed for a picture with her fame whore spin-off.
Yes, 35-year-old Paris Hilton has come all the way from 2009 to let us know that she’s actually really smart, she just played a dum-dum on TV. Paris dropped the sexy baby voice, ordered the hand servants to whip up her most responsible-looking ponytail, and practiced her sophisticated head nods for a >3 minute interview with Access Hollywood where she states her case.
Conrad Hilton strut out of the clink just two weeks ago, and now his daddy’s got to clean up another mess he may have produced. And this latest mess involves drunk driving, barf and a broken bong. (Pour out some used bong water for that broken bong.) The current reigning pride of the Hilton family has been sued by a woman who claims that last May, 22-year-old Conrad crashed his daddy’s white Range Rover head-first into her car and was dazed, confused and covered with barf. Hmm… I guess Parasite Hilton’s one-time frenemy Lindsay Lohan taught a young Conrad Hilton how to drive.
Society (including ISIS) just collectively nodded politely and then looked at an imaginary text on their phones as Paris Hilton expressed her fear that she may be attacked by the feared militant group. IIn an interview with the Spanish Diario de Ibiza (via Wonderwall), Paris spoke about how her extreme fame renders her a vital target for jihadists.
“I’m constantly moving around from one country to another and I’m a famous person who could be a definite target for an attack and that is something that sometimes terrifies me,”
She’s so right. Paris’s DJ skills are in high demand all over the world (really?), and she can barely roll off her chaise into the arms of her body porter to carry her into the limo, drive her to the airport, and then carry her through security and on to her plane, settling her into her seat in the “No Lessers, Please” section because of her no-longer private terror.
“What’s happening is horrible. The recent attacks in Nice and Germany are terrible,” she said. “It’s something that disgusts and worries me. I travel a lot and I get frightened when I think about things like this.”
I hear her. Just thinking thoughts must be a new and frightening experience for Paris, let alone thoughts about terrorism! But Paris won’t let this stop her from living her life. She knows that being vapid on every continent is her life’s work and if she pauses in that, the terrorists win!
“I’m also a very free person who tries not to be afraid of anything. I just make sure I always watch my back. I always go out alone and without security,” she said. “Many celebs have 10 bodyguards but I like to go out with my friends and be normal because I want to be like everyone else. I’m not going to give up anything.”
And nor should you, brave little toaster. You’ve had to sacrifice your entire life. You’ve worked so hard to achieve your dreams. You’ve come so very far. It would be worlds of wrong if you shut yourself away from the world out of fear that some imaginary yet evil terrorist whose People magazine subscription obviously ended in 2007 was after you.
Which means Paris Hilton is an aunt now. Ah, the wisdom and guidance she’ll pass down to her little niece. “Always remember: you’ll take many mug shots, but the first one is always the most special, so make sure it’s a hot one. Also, never ingest the bubbles at a foam party. Just trust me, don’t do it.”
As mentioned above, Nicky Hilton – sorry, Nicky Rothschild – finally gave birth to the baby she was pregnant with, and Entertainment Tonight says it’s a little girl. A source tells ET that 32-year-old Nicky gave birth this morning while “surrounded by family” (that sounds…fun). She and her rich British husband James Rothschild named their new baby Lily Grace Victoria Rothschild.
That name doesn’t surprise me much; it’s pretty much what I’d expect two rich people to name their kid. Lily Grace Victoria sounds like a child whose bedroom walls are covered with horse jumping ribbons and sleeps in a queen-sized canopy bed. Lily Grace Victoria Rothschild is only hours old, but I feel like she’s already sent a Mason Pearson hairbrush to Eloise at The Plaza with hand-written message on personalized stationary that says “Tell your nanny to use this, you look positively dreadful.”
What I’m more interested in is what Lily Grace Victoria will call Paris Hilton. Auntie Paris? Aunt Paris? Auntie Pee Pee? No, that’s more of a nickname for Paris’ old assistant. Maybe she’ll let her call her Winky. I like that one.
Here’s Nicky Hilton strolling around New York yesterday. Literally 24 hours later, she was giving birth. I’m going to keep that in mind the next time I eat too much at Taco Bell and am too lazy to get off the couch to throw out the wrappers. “If a 9-months knocked up Nicky Hilton can cruise around New York in 87 degree heat, you sure as hell can get your ass up and walk to the garbage.”