Jeremy Renner Has Never Looked Hotter

If David O. Russell’s Abscam movie succeeds at one thing it’ll be turning Christian Bale, Bradley Cooper and Jeremy Renner into three gorgeous messes from the 70s. They’ve made Christian Bale look like a sleazy used car salesman who fucks with his loafers on and tastes like cologne and sweat. They’ve made B. Coop look like a porn producer who smells like perm stank and screams “Don’t touch curls!” at least once a day. And now, as Lainey puts it, they’ve made Jeremy Renner look like a third rate Joe Pesci impersonator. That wig really brings out the Grumpy Cat in his face.

Who ever is responsible for this mess should just accept their Oscars now. They should get an extra special award for making Elisabeth Rohm (I think that’s her) look like Cinderella’s evil stepmother gone disco.

Damn, Dat Ass

I don’t know where I’ve been, because I have never noticed David Beckham’s beautiful bubble bottom butt before. It’s glorious. Is he wearing push-up panties, because his ass is so high that it looks like it’s worshiping God. No wonder Becks’ former stalker Tommy Girl wanted to surgically attach his tongue to Becks’ anus lips. He wanted to wake up in dat ass for the rest of his days and I can’t blame him. I want to lay my head on that ass. I want to eat Thin Mints off that ass. I want to miniaturize myself and jump on it like I’m in a Sleepy’s commercial. I want to stay miniaturized and twirl around on his butt cheeks while singing, “the hiiiiiiiiiills are alive.”

Screw that football shit, with nalgas like that, he should be the captain of the Twerk Team. It’s a damn shame that Posh Beckham won’t munch on his ass, because she thinks butt has too many calories in it. When he wiggles it and convinces her to lick it, she probably pours a little Sensa on it before she eats. How dreadful and a waste of some good Honey Baked ham ass.

Here’s pictures of Becks’ nearly busting the back seams of his pants at a stadium in Bejing yesterday and also pictures of him signing autographs at an event for his H&M bodywear line in Berlin.

Matt Damon On Doing Michael Douglas From The Back

Here’s Michael Douglas and Matt Damon as Liberace and Liberace’s young piece Scott Thorson on the cover of Entertaintment Weekly. My nipples are not secreting rhinestone water, so that tells me that Michael Douglas looks nothing like Liberace in this picture. This looks more like a butch Walter Mercado throwing a fur coat on a young Regis Philbin wax figure.

Michael and Matt play Liberace and Scott Thorson in Steven Sodbergh’s Behind the Candelabra, which airs on HBO in May, and they both talked to EW about what it was like transforming themselves into crystal-encrusted beauties. Matt says that one of the most awkward things he had to do for the movie was to get a weekly spray tan since Scott Thorson wouldn’t be seen in a metallic thong unless his skin was the same shade as Liberace’s gilded cock ring. The other awkward thing Matt had to do was dry hump on Michael Douglas from the back.

As for their sex scenes together (and trust us, the movie has plenty), Damon and Douglas both say that shooting a moment of passion is always awkward, no matter who’s involved. “The scene where I’m behind him and going at him, we did that in one take,” recalls Damon, laughing. “We do it. Cut. There’s a long pause. And then you just hear Steven go, “Well… I have no notes.”

Well, I’m glad that this movie has scene after scene of Michael Douglas getting pounded by Matt Damon while wearing a Mama’s Family wig, because that’s exactly what’s been missing from my life.

Panty Creamers Of The Day

No, this isn’t a picture of Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah having a beautiful mother-daughter bonding moment. But if you’re a sucio-brained freak who really wants to fap to soft-core incest porn between a mother and a daughter who look like two bags of rotten freeway oranges left out in the San Fernando Valley sun, then just squint your eyes, believe and your genitals will make it happen. You nasty shit.

This is Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife Beth Dog leaving a tanning salon in West Hollywood, CA yesterday afternoon. I call STAGED PHOTO-OP, because Dog and Beth don’t keep their skin looking like two pieces of jerky made from Panda Express’ orange chicken by going to a tanning salon. That’s for amateurs.  They paid the McDonald’s corporation millions of dollars to build them a giant deep fryer in their home. They put on their goggles, lay in the giant basket, get dipped in the oil and come out looking like the sun just barfed all over them.

If you’re a sucio-brained freak who really wants to fap to soft-core porn between two dogs who look like two bags of rotten freeway oranges left out in the San Fernando Valley sun, you don’t have to squint your eyes in order for your genitals to make it happen.

And on a different note, Dog’s deep fried pompadour mullet is so beautiful. It looks like a mane of French’s french fried onions. Add some green beans and you have a delicious casserole.

Panty Creamer Of The Day: Prince Hot Ginge On Tatler

Tatler Magazine has something they do called Man of the Year, but my guess is they made that mess up this issue just so they could give to Prince Hot Ginge and just so they could use this precious picture of him wearing a Prince Charming costume from the Disney store and a beret from Troop Beverly Hills. My only complaints are that Tatler didn’t also put this cover out in bottom bed sheet form for my mattress and that they didn’t use a piece of toilet paper to wipe up the shit-covered skid mark of skank words next to PHG’s face. But don’t let a Karkrashian stop you from fapping. It’s kind of like when you’re getting it good with a hot piece, but his breath smells like curdled goat milk and dog farts, so you just focus on his hotness and block out the stankness. It’s just like that.

via HuffPo 

Vanity Fair Asks Carson Daly The Question We’ve All Been Thinking

Two weird things happened on VanityFair.com a few days ago. First, Vanity Fair actually interviewed Carson Daly in the year 2012. Second, Vanity Fair’s George Wayne, who’s thing is to try to shock the butt plug right out of his interviewees, asked Carson the question most of us ask ourselves when we wake up in the morning: When Xtina gets the fuck tingles in a major way, does she squirt like a geyser? Yes, Vanity Fair went there:

G.W. Let’s cut to the chase: Do you think Christina Aguilera squirts when she has an orgasm?

C.D. Are you kidding me? Is that your opener? I have no idea. I can’t imagine the thought. I mean, really.

G.W. I mean, clearly—just look at the outfits she chooses to wear onstage. Tell that girl to put some clothes on! I believe that is a rational question to ask you. I know it is a bit off-piste.

C.D. Yes, it is. I will say she does have a lot of people on her team, a whole entourage to help her, and she knows what she is doing. Oh boy, I love you. You are the best. You are so great—just the best. Despite your asinine question about Christina, it is still a pleasure to be here with you.

Wait, so according to George Wayne, if you wear four-sizes-too-small leather panties onstage, your sex parts will squirt like a walrus spitting water when you orgasm offstage later? No wonder I always stop for a few seconds and say “hmmmm” to myself when I see leather man panties in the window of some store on 8th Street.

And you know what I really didn’t need today? The image of Xtina squirting up into Carson Daly’s nostrils. That’s not what I needed, so screw that GW bitch for that.