If you’ve pulled every hair out of your body and bit your nails, skin, and finger meat down to the bone and all you’ve got left are some dangling phalanges and a crotch smoother than a Sphynx cat’s asshole, then you’re probably an American who is already following the midterm elections. Or you’re a citizen of the world who was worried about a much more important matter: People’s Sexiest Man Alive. Yeah, definitely the second one.
Last year, People caused the Census Bureau to double check if only one man is alive when they named Blake Shelton as their Sexiest Man Alive 2017. If People named a pair of cum-stained Fruit of the Loom chonies lying on a broken Bud Light bottle in the parking lot of a Dave & Buster’s as their Sexiest Man Alive 2018, it would’ve been an upgrade, but they really went for it by giving the title to crotch seizure-inducing daddy Idris Elba. Finally, the popular vote matters!
Rob McElhenney Talked About How Easy It Was To Get His Body In Chippendales’ Shape For “It’s Always Sunny…”
With Ryan Murphy on his way to Netflix, FX had to give us thirsty hos a reason to still tune in for shows with hunka-hunka burning pieces of man meat. I just never expected it to be Mac from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Since the 7thseason, Mac has been a little more – ah – voluptuous because he tried to “cultivate mass” in the so-called wrong way to get muscle. Well, the 13thseason dropped this week, and Mac is a Grade-A tall glass of leche.
Vulture and others say that while it still isn’t clear on the show why Mac got so buff, Rob McElhenney took to Instagram to tell us how: if you’re willing to give up Chili’s, booze, and, in general, anything remotely fun, you can ALSO have a jacked body…and be a fun sponge:
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Look, it’s not that hard. All you need to do is lift weights six days a week, stop drinking alcohol, don’t eat anything after 7pm, don’t eat any carbs or sugar at all, in fact just don’t eat anything you like, get the personal trainer from Magic Mike, sleep nine hours a night, run three miles a day, and have a studio pay for the whole thing over a six to seven month span. I don’t know why everyone’s not doing this. It’s a super realistic lifestyle and an appropriate body image to compare oneself to. #hollywood
Yep, that’s nine hours of sleeping, six days of lifting, three miles of running (daily), no carbs or booze…and a partridge in a pear tree. Well, that and a studio that will pay for your ass to work with a trainer who will humiliate you for even thinking about Krispy Kreme. Rob previously told Reuters of what it took to gain the 50 pounds to be “Fat Mac,” and that was five 1,000-calorie meals each day, and I’m a little stunned. All the years, and I just assumed that’s what all the celebrity trainers meant were your five “tiny” meals a day to lose weight!
When Prince Hot Ginge told Duchess Meghan that they were going to the THI-TURR last night, she must’ve figured they were going to go see Chicago, because she looked like she was ten seconds away from swirling out a Bob Fosse jazz hand while singing, “… the name on everybody’s lips is gonna be MEY-GHAN!” (see: the Roxie Hart shit she wore to the theater in the video after the cut). But they went to see Hamilton instead. The performance was a gala to raise money for PHG’s charity Sentebale, which helps children and young people living with HIV in Lesotho and Botswana. At the end of the show, PHG got onstage to thank everyone and while up there, he crooned out bits of a Hamilton song into a mic. That mic is now pregnant with little ginger mic babies. Those ginger mic babies will be seventh in line to the throne.
Or maybe, their official royal title is: Duke and Duchess of SucksToBeYouWhores. I can’t remember which one THE QUEEN went with.
I’m currently standing outside of a Best Buy waiting for the Geek Squad to open, and that could mean only one thing: I need to get my TV fixed because I charged at it, knocking it off the wall after the Archbishop of Canterbury Tales asked if anyone objects to this union. Or at least I think he said that. It could’ve been a case of wishful thinking mixed with sleep deprivation on my part. But it is official: Duchess Meghan (née Rachel Meghan Markle) became my idol/forever object of my jealousy, because not only does she get to jump on Prince Hot Ginge’s fiery royal crotch scepter on the regular, but she now she gets to do it as his legally wedded spouse.
Thanks to an unearthed interview from 2014, everyone sent their thoughts and prayers to the poon of DJ Khaled’s wife Nicole Tuck (although, would you want DJ Khaled’s mouth on your poon?) after he said that he doesn’t lick the cooch. Because according to DJ Khaled, men are kings and kings get serviced, they don’t do any servicing. And you know DJ Dick Fart doesn’t do the gentlemanly thing of lifting his FUPA before his wife goes down on him, and you also know that he screams DJ KHAAAAAAAAAALED while she’s doing it.
Evan Rachel Wood, Smash Mouth, and even the dictionary dragged DJ Khaled. The Rock also got into the subject and made it clear that he licks the box like a mic at a WWE match.
I’m not a baseball fan but even I’ve heard of Sammy Sosa. But I couldn’t pick him out of a lineup for a million dollars and from the looks of things, Sammy would like to keep it that way. Recently, a barely recognizable Sammy two-stepped out dressed like a he’s got an audition for a reboot of White Chicks called Coyboyz: The Legend of Sammy’s Gold.