Allison and I are getting a later start than usual today and surprisingly it’s not because the WiFi in the ER sucks and we’re waiting for doctors to clear us from the booze poisoning we got after filling our holes with gallons of sweet nectar to get through the MTV Movie Awards last night. It’s my fault we’re Lindsay Lohan-ing today. I dragged my ill ass body out of bed late, because I was sick all weekend and it got worse yesterday and that probably has everything to do with the fact that I binge watched 5 episodes of Glee while completely one hundred percent sober and then watched the MTV Who Ever Shows Up Gets An Award Awards. That combination is a deadly combination and made me feel as beaten down and worn out as Michelle Duggar’s pussy. The Surgeon General should really warn you of the dangers of watching the MTV Movie Awards without some mind-altering shit in your system.
So as an apology gift for my lateness, here’s the Belle of Skid Row Zac Efron (or Zac “Eeeeeee-fron” as MiserAlba would say) flexing, posing and showing off the body that was covered in Fashion Fair foundation (shade: Brown Sugar) and body hair that an assistant put on with glue and donated pubes since he’s as naturally hairless as a sphinx cat’s ass lips. Zac won “Best Shirtless Performance” and when he was nominated last month, he tweeted a promise that he’d accept that craft project trophy if he won. So of course, Zac won, because he’s the only one who showed up to rehearse Rita Ora ripping his shirt off.
Finally, Rita Ora has done something of use!
Yes, Zac tried to hypnotize us with his nipples to make us all forget that he got into a drug-deal-gone-wrong on Skid Row and it worked for a second until I said to myself, “Damn, coke does abs good!”
Pics: Wenn.com, AP
Here’s noted puppy cuddler and former camwhore Tom Hardy (born name: Ed Hardy) on the cover of Esquire looking like what your top daddy cellmate looks like in your prison fantasies when in real life your cellmate would probably look like fat KFed and have chronic diarrhea. I don’t know if all of those tattoos on Tom’s titties are real, but if they are, then one of his goals in life must be to have a chest that looks like the paper bag book cover of a 9th grade emo chola from the 90s. Those “smile now, cry later” masks, the crow, the Union Jack…. It looks like an emo chola drew on him with a fine tip Sharpie in the middle of homeroom and all he’s missing is a drawing of a crying clown and a lyric to a Morrissey song.
Tom tells Esquire that he may look like a tattooed up, bearded pitbull on the outside, but on the inside he’s a newborn fluffy kitty:
“I have always been frightened with men. To the point where I couldn’t go into a gym because of the testosterone and I felt weak. I don’t feel very manly. I don’t feel rugged and strong and capable in real life, not how i imagine a man ought to be. So I seek it, to mimic it and maybe understand it, or maybe to draw it into my own reality. People who are scary, they terrify me, but I can imitate them. I’m not a fighter. I’m a petite little bourgeosis boy from London. I don’t fight, I mimic.”
That sums up my entire junior high school gym experience until I stopped acting butch, because I realized I came off as Anybodys from West Side Story.
Is Tom trying to say that if you hook up with him you might think you’re getting a rough trade, “spit on your hole, ” “twist your nipples until they’re sore” kind of bitch, but you’re really going to get a dude who likes to tenderly kiss your nose while doing you missionary style and will silently weep after he cums. Either way, I would.
I still can’t with “I Luh Ya Papi.” Not today. Not ever. I know it’s supposed to sound all sexy and cutesy and shit, but no. It sounds like something a 3-year-old with a lisp and a burnt tongue would say to her dad. Or like something that would come out of Drew Barrymore’s mouth while she hugged a puppy.
At the beginning of JLo’s video, a human Botox needle with scruff spits out ideas for her video and eventually her Fly Girls say that she should really switch shit up by objectifying man ass since dudes have been objectifying lady ass for centuries. You know, make dudes the video hos like Madge did in 1989 and Olivia Newton-John did in 1981. But my tingling nipples and comatose b-hole lips thank JLo for bringing the chonies section of the International Male catalog circa 1996 to life!
I’m going to turn down the hate a bit and try to say a few nice things about this video instead:
1. I like that the YouTube player has a mute button. That is a very useful feature and I used it about 10 seconds into the song. TYYT (thank you, You Tube)!
2. MAN NALGAS! MAN NALGAS! MAN NALGAS!
3. MAN NIPPLES! MAN NIPPLES! MAN NIPPLES!
4. NO CASPER SMART! I was preparing my eyes for the vision of JLo rubbing her body all over that shirtless Monchichi and my retinas breathed a sigh of relief when it didn’t happen. JLo cares, sometimes.
Anyway, keep fucking that chicken, JLo, and keep giving us videos starring a hot piece buffet. Just make sure that the mute button is always in a clear and easy-to-find place.
The only reason the sun shines in Sochi is to make the sequins on Johnny Weir’s body sparkle. Loki’s half-brother who calls Pee-wee Herman his father continued to show us what Judy Garland would’ve dressed like if she was still alive today.
At the Olympics today, the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice showed up looking like a disco ball’s tampon. Samson & Delilah, Romeo & Juliet, Cynthia Nixon & Rojo Caliente, Kanye & Kanye, John Travolta’s Scientolohole & massage therapist dick and cookie spread & my mouth are just some of the soulmates in history that are meant to be together. You can add Johnny Weir & sequins to that list.
And this classic moment is obligatory:
It’s Monday so you probably woke up this morning with the hungover demons possessing your body, your breath smelling like Sunday night sangria and your eyeballs covered in crusties. You probably considered just never getting out of bed ever, because is a regular paycheck really worth getting up in the morning on a Monday? But you pulled yourself out, injected caffeine into your eyeballs, put on some clean panties and made it through the day by playing that Flappy Bird shit in your cubicle. We all made it through the day without murdering anyone (I think) or checking into the hospital because our bodies turned into a giant raisin from crying at the bottom of a hot shower for a few hours straight. Let’s all celebrate with this picture from W Magazine of Joe Manganiello with morning wood eyes. Or maybe he’s saying, “How about an early morning salad tossing? You do me first” with his eyes.
Photographers Mert and Marcus shot a bunch of famous hos in bed for W Magazine and some of them will give your genitals the sweats (see: Joe ManJello, STAINS’ human brother Jonathan Rhys Meyers and David Gandy) and some will make your b-hole poot out a “meh” (see: Vanessa Hudgens and that busted wig on her head and Kanye’s cuddle boo Riccardo Tisci).
And to answer the question in your head, no, it’s not weird at all to have that top picture turned into a body pillow with holes in it. That’s actually totally natural and not-at-all-crazy or creepy. Just make sure you get it in stain-resistant fabric like I did.
Shakira and RiRi’s song “Can’t Remember To Forget You” (which is what I’ll be saying later when I still have this wreck of a song stuck in my head) is a direct assault on eardrums and it sounds like two rabid goats fighting over an apple, but if you’re into two pop tricks rubbing each other’s magnificent nalgitas and lezzing it up for the camera, then the video makes up for the song.
Joseph Kahn, who directed this, probably told them to pretend like they’re two cats in heat who just got attacked by billions of fleas, because they’re scratching their asses against the wall and writhing on a mattress like they need the Q-tip and a flea bath at the same time. Nomi Malone and Cristal Conners will always be the reigning Queens of fake lesbian-on-fake lesbian action, but Shakira and RiRi tried to come for their throne.
I am all for pop chicks selling it hard by dry humping on each other (see: Madge & Brit Brit, Madge & Miley, Madge & Xtina, Madge & everybody, etc….), but when are we going to finally get two pop dudes selling it to the gay gaze by grabbing on each other. And no, the Biebs and Usher don’t count.
Before Chris Hemsworth got to swing around his rock hard hammer as Thor, every single white dude with a SAG card auditioned for that role including Tumblr’s second husband Tom Hiddleston. On the Thor: The Dark World DVD, which comes out next month, the bonuses include Tom’s Thor audition and CBM posted two GIFs from it. This is the reason why Tumblr’s clit hasn’t stopped shaking since this morning. The GIFs are after the cut and if you haven’t seen them already, prepare your eyes, loins, no-no and soul for Tom’s golden Jesus locks and his “Raise Your Hammer If You’re Sure” moves.
Nothing will make you dip your entire face in boiled holy water and file a complaint with every human rights organization like Miley Cyrus’ video for “Wrecking Ball,” but Ron Jeremy comes close. If the world was a perfect place where only right things happened, future “Wrecking Ball” parodies would’ve been labeled illegal after Hot Slut of my life La Vampy murdered, butchered and buried the parody game. But it isn’t a perfect world and it is full of NOT RIGHTS (see: me eating almost healthy, I did eat two spoonfuls of cookie butter, yesterday and not immediately losing the globe of bloat in my gut), so The Hedgehog did his own extremely timely, shot-by-shot remake of that mess.
If staring at Ron Jeremy’s beef-stuffed salchicha rolling around in white chonies doesn’t make you want to take a mental health day, then him titty fucking the wooden sledgehammer handle will. And Ron’s hernia kind of looks like an alien fetus crawling out of his belly button. He should really put a barber shop quartet hat on it.
And a long skid mark would’ve made this ART.
And three seconds later, that tundra of ice and snow melted and ASkars floated along a new ocean on that floating toilet. This is the real global warming.
This picture of Alexander Skarsgard sitting on a square toilet while reading a True Blood script in the South Pole was shat up on Instagram last night and I’ve already printed it, framed it and hung it in front of my own toilet. I’ve hung it right next to the picture of the vampire nordic demi-god lounging naked in the Arctic on the TB season finale. This beautiful portrait was taken after ASkars and his Walking with the Wounded team made it to the South Pole. I’m guessing that ASkars cleaned his dirty ass by scooting along the snow Toby-style. And even though ASkars is sitting on a toilet and wearing what I thought were super puffy UGGs, I still would. (NO SCAT QUEEN.)
My Bow makes my dick hard every time I smile…is that normal? pic.twitter.com/AI6k9TOGmu
— Idris Elba (@idriselba) January 5, 2014