And somewhere a child is screaming, “Abuelito, log off Twitter NOW!”
It’s been a little over a year since genitals dried all the way up and eyeball vessels burst from Geraldo Rivera giving everyone some “Pepaws with iPhones” shit by tweeting a topless selfie where his towel came dangerously close to exposing his shaved grandaddy crotch (and you know he shaves it). Well, just when genitals were starting to get moist again, Geraldo came back with a new topless tweet pic of him looking like a Wilford Brimley pin-up.
Geraldo is on vacation in Puerto Rico right now and he decided that it was a really good idea to hit the eyes of his followers with a picture of his 71-year-old nipples followed by his thoughts about yogurt (he meant Chobani, not Kobani, right?). I mean, political views should always be served with a topless selfie. Every cable news bitch should do that (hint hint, The Silver Fox). Once my eyes settled down from me scratching them out after being hit with Geraldo Rivera’s armpit fur, I saw a picture I kind of liked. Because of the ocean in the background and the way he’s leaning up against that wooden post, he looks like he’s saying, “Hey there, sailor, why don’t you come up and see me sometime?” It’s very “pier hustler glamour.”
But more importantly, would you hit it? And I don’t mean with a flying chair.
(Thanks to Al R. for sending this in. Thanks.)
So this is what it looks like when the straight Jonas Brother shamelessly tries to get those pink dollars in his Calvin Klein chonies by pandering to the guy audience. I’m really not mad. I say pander away, you shameless bitch, pander away!
Ever since Nick Jonas tried to de-twink himself by putting muscles on his body, he’s been strolling around with his nipples and three-way happy trial out. Nick took his “pandering to the gays” act to the next level by grabbing his purity balls and flashing the hairy forest that runs between his ass cheeks in Flaunt Magazine. Nick’s obviously trying to shed the Disney off of him by giving us “freshmen frat boy’s first gay porn audition” realness and Pride Source (via Towleroad) recently asked him what he thinks about hos saying he’s baiting gay eyes.
“Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. I think it’s unfortunate that some people have to find a negative in every situation. Clearly my heart is in the right place, and more than anything, if they just looked at my life and my gay friends and the authentic nature of where my heart is, they’d just see that they’re kind of ignorant. The nature of where we are today is, we’re in a time where we need to make strides and step forward as a society and embrace all people from all different walks of life. When you’re trying to make a bold statement like that, some people aren’t gonna fall in line with that. And that’s OK. You gotta stay on your own path.”
I wish there was video of this, because I bet Nick ate a banana during that interview. Nick recently had his teeth whitened so he couldn’t bite into that banana between spitting out words. So he had to deep throat it and let it slowly melt in his mouth before he swallowed it all. But he’s not pandering.
Who cares if Nick Jonas is trying to get money from the gays by showing off his ass crack pubes. Marky Mark did it whether his dumb ass knew it or not. Those Calvin Klein Marky Mark pictures and the men’s underwear section of the JcPenney catalog helped me how to fap properly as a young gay. Every young gay needs a Marky Mark and I guess Nick Jonas is the Marky Mark for today’s young gays….
Here’s Idris Elba shooting a running scene on the London set of the movie A Hundred Streets and yes, I’ve already glued my eyeballs to my monitor and I didn’t see a trace of a mic cord or his supposed Loch Ness Crotch Monster. But wait, to the right, is that it? Maybe it sniffed out a mouse running below, came out of its hiding place, made a sharp right turn down Idris’ left leg and is going after it.
What we really need is Justin Theroux running next to him. One look at Justin Theroux’s “family of fat hamsters cuddling in a hammock” bulge and Idris’ bulge would come out, because it wouldn’t want to be shown up like that. It’d be a bulge-off.
UPDATE: It’s a mic wire.
Finally, some news that really matters!
Gawker and TMZ posted these pictures of Idris Elba shooting a movie called “A Hundred Streets” in London today and they both fanned themselves and stuck a bottle of smelling salts in their nostrils over the bulge in his pants, which looks like a skinny baby’s arm (I do see an elbow) holding a magic wand. Idris Elba has the swagger of a dude whose got a dick so big that he can bust a cervix, but I don’t know. If it’s soft, then Idris Elba literally has a third leg dick and if you ever do a photo shoot with him, leave the tripod at home, because he’s always carrying one. If it’s soft, then it must have built-in suction cups and is clinging to his thigh, because it’s hanging so straight. It also kind of looks like his pool noodle dick and his crotch berries are not attached. That could be a mic cord in his pants or maybe he’s got an extra long tube of Mentos in his pocket.
Here’s a picture from the side and another picture where some of it disappears:
Because I’d like to think that I have a degree in bulge-watching from DEU (Dick Enthusiast University), I spent a giant piece (punned on purpose) of my day staring at Idris Elba’s crotch. I haven’t been this productive in days, weeks, months, years, decades! It looks really long and skinny (the Taylor Swift of peens), so I’m going to say that it’s a mic cord or a crease or something. The only way we’ll really know for sure that Idris Elba has a garden hose dick is if it challenges The Hammaconda to a wrestling match. The Hammaconda has strength from the 3 baby goats it eats daily, but Idris Elba’s garden hose dick can wrap around it and strangle it until it turns blue and screams for its mommy.
And here’s more pictures for you dick detectives out there including pictures of Idris shooting a scene on a balcony with a shot gun. At least, I think that’s a shot gun, but it could be his dick.
Panty Creamer Of The Day: Leonardo DiCaprio Giving You Body, Ponytail And Nasty Beard Hotness In Miami
If you’re a 6’1″, 90lb blonde model who is under the age of OLD (read: 23) and always looking to come up, then it’s your lucky life, because there’s a really good chance that this hot, chunk of hairy, bloated hotness will climb on top of you and cover your body with his stank as his beard fleas jump onto your face. Lucky whore.
It’s Fashion Week in Miami right now and wherever there’s a large gathering of models, there’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo trolling around and looking for his next piece. Leo took a break from sitting front row at fashion shows and pointing at models while telling his people that he’ll take “one of those and one of those and one of those” to feed his hairy nipples and belly pouch some much needed Vitamin D on the beach. Leo is apparently growing out his hair, beard and body for a movie that’s shooting in September and no, I don’t know if he’s playing a bottom level Zach Galifianakis impersonator who can also impersonate Jack Nicholson for anyone who’s not picky and on a budget. Leo is once again proving that if you’re a famous millionaire, you can look like you smell like foreskin gouda, thick beard gravy and pit syrup and models will still throw their chocha at you. Not pictured: Lukas Haas hosing down all the models trying to throw their chochas at Leo while he’s having some “me time” on the beach.
And yes, I still, still would. Leo’s high ponytail and those back bangs that look like a hairy neck skirt are taking me higher.
Pics: FameFlynet, Splash
TRUE BLOOD SPOILER ALERT: But really, if you haven’t watched last night’s episode, then this is probably a spoiler that your down low parts want to be alerted to.
Bless the genius soul who shouted, “HOT GAY SEX!“, during a meeting when all the other producers and writers asked, “How in the hell are we going to fix this mess of a show?” Hot gay sex is always the answer to every single question. Some True Blood watchers are probably picking dried panty pudding nuggets out of their carpet this morning, because a quick minute into last night’s episode, HBO became the gay Skinemax channel and it was beautiful. Jason Stackhouse (Side note: Jason Stackhouse could totally play a young Dubya in a gay porn parody) had another gay wet dream and his latest one starred Panty Creamer Hall of Famer and giant viking vampire sex god Eric.
If every TV in the world shut down and stopped working, it would be okay, because the greatest scene in the history of television has aired and all the TV people can go home now. Their jobs are done. Someone said on another blog that the scene was completely unnecessary and totally pandering, but they need to be slapped twice across the face with the definition of “unnecessary,” because that Sean Cody with mood lighting scene was completely necessary. Ask all the slobbering v-holes and b-holes out there. There was even a major plot twist. Jason is a top!
Thank you to everyone who took part in creating the camera. Thank you to everyone who took part in creating HBO. Thank you to everyone who took part in creating ASkars. And I even want to thank everyone who took part in creating that cheesy background music. Because together, they created this beautiful, beautiful fanfiction come-to-life scene that is relevant to all of my interests. The only way it could’ve been better is if a naked Alcide busted through the wall and he and Eric spit roasted Jason. I’m sure the writers are saving that for the finale. Keep the pandering coming!
And it would be a perfect season if every episode was full of nothing but Jason’s wet dreams. Correction: It would be a perfect season if one episode showed Soooookeh and Beeeehl dying slow deaths and the rest of the episodes were full of nothing but Jason’s wet dreams.
The only video I found on YT is drowning in music, so it’s best if you watch it on mute with a tub of lube by your side.
Jeremy Meeks, the sexy California criminal who crashed Meet-an-Inmate.com (I’m assuming) and single-handedly resurrected the lost art of hand-written prison pen-pal correspondence when his mug shot was released to the horny hoes of the internet this week, has decided that once his felonious ass has been sprung from the big house, he’s going to sashay-shante over to his parole officer and inform him he got a full-time job as a professional Zoolander. According to TMZ, several modelling agencies are interested in Jeremy. Blaze Models (which definitely doesn’t sound like a company who advertises in the ‘Casual Encounters’ section of Craigslist) tells TMZ that “gangster models” are so hot right now, and if they booked Jeremy a job with Versace or Armani, he could make up to $30,000 a month.
The only thing stopping Jeremy from serving up that FACE-BODY-FACE outside of a mug shot is the fact that his bail is set at $900,000, and so far his mama has only hustled $5,180 in online donations. People were literally foaming at the no-nos a week ago and bursting into spontaneous orgasms just by imagining dry-humping on Jeremy’s stick-poke teardrop tattoo, but horny bitches are a fickle bunch, and we’ve all lost interest. Probably because all it took was a cold shower to realize that Jeremy Meeks actually looks like a busted Riff Raff.
Jeremy will be modelling Jazzy Scooters by the time he’s released from prison, but that delusional dreamboat has requested that he be allowed to ditch his shackles and trade his prison-issued jumpsuit for some custom-fitted civilian clothing, so he can look like a hot model when he goes to court. Cellblock bitch PLEASE! A real model would turn out that orange jumpsuit like it was some Marc Jacobs Haute Correctional Facility Couture. Werk it hunty! Sell that itchy standard issue polyester!
As I said in today’s HSOTD post, the Internet nearly drowned in ten oceans of pussy milk and ass slobber yesterday when the mug shot of the sexiest felon Jeremy Meeks was posted on the Facebook page of the Stockton, CA police department. The picture of Jeremy’s Calvin Klein campaign-ready face has 63,000 which is just 1/100th of the number of clits that have tingled themselves into a coma over this panty creamer. Because this is the most important news story of our time, everybody, including CNN, is covering this and Sacramento’s ABC News 10 got the first EXCLUSIVO interview with the smoldering felon that Madge and JLo are probably fighting to bail out so he can be their next toy.
Jeremy was busted along with a bunch of other alleged gang members in a police raid. He’s sitting in jail on $900,000 bail and was charged with 5 felony charges for weapons and gang activity. Jeremy claims that he’s not living that Mi Vida Loca life anymore and he’s completely innocent. As thousands of thirsty, horny, shameless hos say to the screen, “I believe you, baby, I’ll wait for you. I will WAIT for you,” 30-year-old Jeremy said that he used to be a gang banger, but after spending 9 years in the clink for grand theft auto, he has found Jesus and cleaned up his ILLEGAL ways for the sake of his wife and son. Yeah, he’s married, so not only are you a future felon fucker, but you’re also a future home wrecker. Jeremy said he got that teardrop tattoo in prison for doing bad things. And as thousands of more thirsty, horny, shameless hos say to the screen, “Yeah, and you’ll have to get another tear drop tattoo when you tear up this pussy, motherfucker,” Jeremy says that he’s trying not to think about how his dreamboat felon smolder is making hos want to lie under oath. Jeremy just wants to get out of prison:
“I just visited with my wife and she said that I blew up Facebook. I appreciate that, but I just want you to know that this is really not me. I’m not some kingpin.”
Jeremy’s mom is really screaming about his innocence. She’s created a GoFundMe page and she’s trying to get $25,000 in donations to pay for her son’s defense. She’s only got a little under $400 so far. I know, if it was a GoFuckMe page, she probably would’ve hit that $25,000 and then some by now. Jeremy’s mom claims that teardrop tattoo is the reason why he got locked up again:
He has a job and … He was on his way to work. With no gang affiliations as per two of the charges. He has old tattoos..which causes him to be sterotyped. He’s my son and he is so sweet. Please help him to get a fair trial or else he’ll be railroaded.
No, you will not get a conjugal visit if you make a substantial donation to Jeremy’s defense. I already asked.
And here’s a picture of Jesse Williams’ thug look-alike with his wife. Your face is going to look so gorgeous pasted over his wife’s face.
Cover the seat of your chair with Bounty and lay down the tarp, because it’s going to get messy. On The Tonight Show last night, Jimmy Fallon followed up his “Evolution of Mom Dancing” with Michelle Obama by bringing out the pride of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to give his titty meat dumplings whiplash and hit the faces of the angels with his bouncing FUPA while doing the “Evolution of Dad Dancing” for Father’s Day.
The Tonight Show brought out Chris Christie, because they obviously have deals with mop companies and knew the sight of the Great Pumpkin of the Garden State thrusting his body like the Kool-Aid Man in Magic Mike while his pants were pulled up to his nipples would bring forth a tsunami of panty pudding. Chris Christie did it, because he figured that his hot, sweet, juicy moves would temporarily distract people from all of his scandals. I mean, it’s hard for people to judge Chris Christie while they’re setting their eyeballs on fire.
And I guess Rob Ford is still in rehab or hiding out in the basement of a crack house or something, because this should’ve been him. That floor would’ve been moist and I mean that literally because the crack sweat would’ve spewed out of his pores as he thrusted his crotch.
Here’s the former Mr. Laura Jeanne “AMERICAN CITIZEN” Poon struttin’ his ass and nipples on the beach in Miami where he’s on vacation with his 23-year-old fiancé Paulina Slagter (with a last name like SLAGter, she must’ve had it good in junior high) who looks like she used to be a sperm fish about 5 seconds ago. But luckily for her ass, Ryan Phillippe likes them looking like a fetus and now she gets to get on the former twink who almost every gay fapped to in that messy Studio 54 movie.
Ryan Phillippe reminds me of those pretty-faced white twinks who wanted to shed their pretty-faced white twink image so they got a bunch of muscles and tattoos to butch up their look. We had one of those in my neighborhood growing up and his ass would even draw a teardrop tattoo on his cheek with a Sharpie, because he once went directly to jail during a game of Monopoly and that totally counts. He also made everyone call him Jax, because you know Jax is a totally butch name.
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that Ryan is 39 and even though his head looks like it’s eating his eyes, he’s still got that panty pudding-inducing touch.