Panty Creamer Of The Day: Leonardo DiCaprio Giving You Body, Ponytail And Nasty Beard Hotness In Miami
If you’re a 6’1″, 90lb blonde model who is under the age of OLD (read: 23) and always looking to come up, then it’s your lucky life, because there’s a really good chance that this hot, chunk of hairy, bloated hotness will climb on top of you and cover your body with his stank as his beard fleas jump onto your face. Lucky whore.
It’s Fashion Week in Miami right now and wherever there’s a large gathering of models, there’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo trolling around and looking for his next piece. Leo took a break from sitting front row at fashion shows and pointing at models while telling his people that he’ll take “one of those and one of those and one of those” to feed his hairy nipples and belly pouch some much needed Vitamin D on the beach. Leo is apparently growing out his hair, beard and body for a movie that’s shooting in September and no, I don’t know if he’s playing a bottom level Zach Galifianakis impersonator who can also impersonate Jack Nicholson for anyone who’s not picky and on a budget. Leo is once again proving that if you’re a famous millionaire, you can look like you smell like foreskin gouda, thick beard gravy and pit syrup and models will still throw their chocha at you. Not pictured: Lukas Haas hosing down all the models trying to throw their chochas at Leo while he’s having some “me time” on the beach.
And yes, I still, still would. Leo’s high ponytail and those back bangs that look like a hairy neck skirt are taking me higher.
Pics: FameFlynet, Splash
TRUE BLOOD SPOILER ALERT: But really, if you haven’t watched last night’s episode, then this is probably a spoiler that your down low parts want to be alerted to.
Bless the genius soul who shouted, “HOT GAY SEX!“, during a meeting when all the other producers and writers asked, “How in the hell are we going to fix this mess of a show?” Hot gay sex is always the answer to every single question. Some True Blood watchers are probably picking dried panty pudding nuggets out of their carpet this morning, because a quick minute into last night’s episode, HBO became the gay Skinemax channel and it was beautiful. Jason Stackhouse (Side note: Jason Stackhouse could totally play a young Dubya in a gay porn parody) had another gay wet dream and his latest one starred Panty Creamer Hall of Famer and giant viking vampire sex god Eric.
If every TV in the world shut down and stopped working, it would be okay, because the greatest scene in the history of television has aired and all the TV people can go home now. Their jobs are done. Someone said on another blog that the scene was completely unnecessary and totally pandering, but they need to be slapped twice across the face with the definition of “unnecessary,” because that Sean Cody with mood lighting scene was completely necessary. Ask all the slobbering v-holes and b-holes out there. There was even a major plot twist. Jason is a top!
Thank you to everyone who took part in creating the camera. Thank you to everyone who took part in creating HBO. Thank you to everyone who took part in creating ASkars. And I even want to thank everyone who took part in creating that cheesy background music. Because together, they created this beautiful, beautiful fanfiction come-to-life scene that is relevant to all of my interests. The only way it could’ve been better is if a naked Alcide busted through the wall and he and Eric spit roasted Jason. I’m sure the writers are saving that for the finale. Keep the pandering coming!
And it would be a perfect season if every episode was full of nothing but Jason’s wet dreams. Correction: It would be a perfect season if one episode showed Soooookeh and Beeeehl dying slow deaths and the rest of the episodes were full of nothing but Jason’s wet dreams.
The only video I found on YT is drowning in music, so it’s best if you watch it on mute with a tub of lube by your side.
Jeremy Meeks, the sexy California criminal who crashed Meet-an-Inmate.com (I’m assuming) and single-handedly resurrected the lost art of hand-written prison pen-pal correspondence when his mug shot was released to the horny hoes of the internet this week, has decided that once his felonious ass has been sprung from the big house, he’s going to sashay-shante over to his parole officer and inform him he got a full-time job as a professional Zoolander. According to TMZ, several modelling agencies are interested in Jeremy. Blaze Models (which definitely doesn’t sound like a company who advertises in the ‘Casual Encounters’ section of Craigslist) tells TMZ that “gangster models” are so hot right now, and if they booked Jeremy a job with Versace or Armani, he could make up to $30,000 a month.
The only thing stopping Jeremy from serving up that FACE-BODY-FACE outside of a mug shot is the fact that his bail is set at $900,000, and so far his mama has only hustled $5,180 in online donations. People were literally foaming at the no-nos a week ago and bursting into spontaneous orgasms just by imagining dry-humping on Jeremy’s stick-poke teardrop tattoo, but horny bitches are a fickle bunch, and we’ve all lost interest. Probably because all it took was a cold shower to realize that Jeremy Meeks actually looks like a busted Riff Raff.
Jeremy will be modelling Jazzy Scooters by the time he’s released from prison, but that delusional dreamboat has requested that he be allowed to ditch his shackles and trade his prison-issued jumpsuit for some custom-fitted civilian clothing, so he can look like a hot model when he goes to court. Cellblock bitch PLEASE! A real model would turn out that orange jumpsuit like it was some Marc Jacobs Haute Correctional Facility Couture. Werk it hunty! Sell that itchy standard issue polyester!
As I said in today’s HSOTD post, the Internet nearly drowned in ten oceans of pussy milk and ass slobber yesterday when the mug shot of the sexiest felon Jeremy Meeks was posted on the Facebook page of the Stockton, CA police department. The picture of Jeremy’s Calvin Klein campaign-ready face has 63,000 which is just 1/100th of the number of clits that have tingled themselves into a coma over this panty creamer. Because this is the most important news story of our time, everybody, including CNN, is covering this and Sacramento’s ABC News 10 got the first EXCLUSIVO interview with the smoldering felon that Madge and JLo are probably fighting to bail out so he can be their next toy.
Jeremy was busted along with a bunch of other alleged gang members in a police raid. He’s sitting in jail on $900,000 bail and was charged with 5 felony charges for weapons and gang activity. Jeremy claims that he’s not living that Mi Vida Loca life anymore and he’s completely innocent. As thousands of thirsty, horny, shameless hos say to the screen, “I believe you, baby, I’ll wait for you. I will WAIT for you,” 30-year-old Jeremy said that he used to be a gang banger, but after spending 9 years in the clink for grand theft auto, he has found Jesus and cleaned up his ILLEGAL ways for the sake of his wife and son. Yeah, he’s married, so not only are you a future felon fucker, but you’re also a future home wrecker. Jeremy said he got that teardrop tattoo in prison for doing bad things. And as thousands of more thirsty, horny, shameless hos say to the screen, “Yeah, and you’ll have to get another tear drop tattoo when you tear up this pussy, motherfucker,” Jeremy says that he’s trying not to think about how his dreamboat felon smolder is making hos want to lie under oath. Jeremy just wants to get out of prison:
“I just visited with my wife and she said that I blew up Facebook. I appreciate that, but I just want you to know that this is really not me. I’m not some kingpin.”
Jeremy’s mom is really screaming about his innocence. She’s created a GoFundMe page and she’s trying to get $25,000 in donations to pay for her son’s defense. She’s only got a little under $400 so far. I know, if it was a GoFuckMe page, she probably would’ve hit that $25,000 and then some by now. Jeremy’s mom claims that teardrop tattoo is the reason why he got locked up again:
He has a job and … He was on his way to work. With no gang affiliations as per two of the charges. He has old tattoos..which causes him to be sterotyped. He’s my son and he is so sweet. Please help him to get a fair trial or else he’ll be railroaded.
No, you will not get a conjugal visit if you make a substantial donation to Jeremy’s defense. I already asked.
And here’s a picture of Jesse Williams’ thug look-alike with his wife. Your face is going to look so gorgeous pasted over his wife’s face.
Cover the seat of your chair with Bounty and lay down the tarp, because it’s going to get messy. On The Tonight Show last night, Jimmy Fallon followed up his “Evolution of Mom Dancing” with Michelle Obama by bringing out the pride of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to give his titty meat dumplings whiplash and hit the faces of the angels with his bouncing FUPA while doing the “Evolution of Dad Dancing” for Father’s Day.
The Tonight Show brought out Chris Christie, because they obviously have deals with mop companies and knew the sight of the Great Pumpkin of the Garden State thrusting his body like the Kool-Aid Man in Magic Mike while his pants were pulled up to his nipples would bring forth a tsunami of panty pudding. Chris Christie did it, because he figured that his hot, sweet, juicy moves would temporarily distract people from all of his scandals. I mean, it’s hard for people to judge Chris Christie while they’re setting their eyeballs on fire.
And I guess Rob Ford is still in rehab or hiding out in the basement of a crack house or something, because this should’ve been him. That floor would’ve been moist and I mean that literally because the crack sweat would’ve spewed out of his pores as he thrusted his crotch.
Here’s the former Mr. Laura Jeanne “AMERICAN CITIZEN” Poon struttin’ his ass and nipples on the beach in Miami where he’s on vacation with his 23-year-old fiancé Paulina Slagter (with a last name like SLAGter, she must’ve had it good in junior high) who looks like she used to be a sperm fish about 5 seconds ago. But luckily for her ass, Ryan Phillippe likes them looking like a fetus and now she gets to get on the former twink who almost every gay fapped to in that messy Studio 54 movie.
Ryan Phillippe reminds me of those pretty-faced white twinks who wanted to shed their pretty-faced white twink image so they got a bunch of muscles and tattoos to butch up their look. We had one of those in my neighborhood growing up and his ass would even draw a teardrop tattoo on his cheek with a Sharpie, because he once went directly to jail during a game of Monopoly and that totally counts. He also made everyone call him Jax, because you know Jax is a totally butch name.
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that Ryan is 39 and even though his head looks like it’s eating his eyes, he’s still got that panty pudding-inducing touch.
You should remove the tip of your tongue from your screen now. Your co-workers are staring. Actually, fuck ‘em, don’t let them keep your tongue from the Meloni ass.
Christopher Meloni was on Conan the other night and the subject of his bubble butt from the Gods came up, because his bubble butt from the Gods comes up in every conversation that involves Christopher Meloni. Conan said that Rachael Harris, Chris’ co-star in that now dead FOX show Surviving Jack, was on the week before and wouldn’t slob slobbering at the mouth about how his rock hard ass is so rock hard that you could chip a toof if you tossed his salad and his ass is so glorious that it makes your face wish it was the seat of his chair. In November 2012 when us Americans went to vote for President, we also voted for something much more important: Who’s got the hottest man ass on primetime? Chris Meloni won that poll and he bragged about it on Conan. Chris said that keeps his ass sitting high up with squats and also talked about how gay dudes try to pick his ass up in the gym shower. Christopher Meloni talked about all of that while dressed like a South Beach florist who still mourns the loss of the International Male catalog.
And if you need proof before you can agree that Christopher Meloni has the hottest ass in primetime (well, HAD that hottest ass in primetime, see: his show getting canned), after the jump is a NSFWish iconic GIF from Oz of him busting out a prostate exam pose.
It’s a Good Friday GIFT!
In case you haven’t already printed these out and papered your bedroom ceiling with them like I’m doing, here’s Kenny Brain, former HSOTD and the bearded gay ginger model from Big Brother Canada, with his fire pubes and dick out. The pics are Grindr-style (aka headless) but the tattoos match and I want to believe that Kenny Brain’s got a dick that’ll make you call in sick to work and not care that you get fired. A dick that’ll make you hand over your debit card and password.
I am trying to ignore that crotch tattoo that looks like something you’d find on the pendant worn by a trust fund PR girl who thinks she’s spiritual and shit. And at this point you’re probably screaming at me to shut my goddamn fingers already and get to the dick, so if you’re in a place where big, beautiful dicks are frowned upon and are considered NSFW, then put this on before clicking HERE and HERE. I hope dudes flopping their soft dicks on the sink like it’s a sea cucumber becomes a new thing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have more Kenny Brain dick pics to paste to my ceiling.
UPDATE: Thanks to everyone who told me Kenny Brain’s crotch tattoo means “big” in Chinese. No comment.
Allison and I are getting a later start than usual today and surprisingly it’s not because the WiFi in the ER sucks and we’re waiting for doctors to clear us from the booze poisoning we got after filling our holes with gallons of sweet nectar to get through the MTV Movie Awards last night. It’s my fault we’re Lindsay Lohan-ing today. I dragged my ill ass body out of bed late, because I was sick all weekend and it got worse yesterday and that probably has everything to do with the fact that I binge watched 5 episodes of Glee while completely one hundred percent sober and then watched the MTV Who Ever Shows Up Gets An Award Awards. That combination is a deadly combination and made me feel as beaten down and worn out as Michelle Duggar’s pussy. The Surgeon General should really warn you of the dangers of watching the MTV Movie Awards without some mind-altering shit in your system.
So as an apology gift for my lateness, here’s the Belle of Skid Row Zac Efron (or Zac “Eeeeeee-fron” as MiserAlba would say) flexing, posing and showing off the body that was covered in Fashion Fair foundation (shade: Brown Sugar) and body hair that an assistant put on with glue and donated pubes since he’s as naturally hairless as a sphinx cat’s ass lips. Zac won “Best Shirtless Performance” and when he was nominated last month, he tweeted a promise that he’d accept that craft project trophy if he won. So of course, Zac won, because he’s the only one who showed up to rehearse Rita Ora ripping his shirt off.
Finally, Rita Ora has done something of use!
Yes, Zac tried to hypnotize us with his nipples to make us all forget that he got into a drug-deal-gone-wrong on Skid Row and it worked for a second until I said to myself, “Damn, coke does abs good!”
Pics: Wenn.com, AP
Here’s noted puppy cuddler and former camwhore Tom Hardy (born name: Ed Hardy) on the cover of Esquire looking like what your top daddy cellmate looks like in your prison fantasies when in real life your cellmate would probably look like fat KFed and have chronic diarrhea. I don’t know if all of those tattoos on Tom’s titties are real, but if they are, then one of his goals in life must be to have a chest that looks like the paper bag book cover of a 9th grade emo chola from the 90s. Those “smile now, cry later” masks, the crow, the Union Jack…. It looks like an emo chola drew on him with a fine tip Sharpie in the middle of homeroom and all he’s missing is a drawing of a crying clown and a lyric to a Morrissey song.
Tom tells Esquire that he may look like a tattooed up, bearded pitbull on the outside, but on the inside he’s a newborn fluffy kitty:
“I have always been frightened with men. To the point where I couldn’t go into a gym because of the testosterone and I felt weak. I don’t feel very manly. I don’t feel rugged and strong and capable in real life, not how i imagine a man ought to be. So I seek it, to mimic it and maybe understand it, or maybe to draw it into my own reality. People who are scary, they terrify me, but I can imitate them. I’m not a fighter. I’m a petite little bourgeosis boy from London. I don’t fight, I mimic.”
That sums up my entire junior high school gym experience until I stopped acting butch, because I realized I came off as Anybodys from West Side Story.
Is Tom trying to say that if you hook up with him you might think you’re getting a rough trade, “spit on your hole, ” “twist your nipples until they’re sore” kind of bitch, but you’re really going to get a dude who likes to tenderly kiss your nose while doing you missionary style and will silently weep after he cums. Either way, I would.