Liam Hemsworth and Luke Hemsworth showed up to the L.A. premiere of Vacation (aka that reboot where Marky Mark’s rubber dick from Boogie Nights makes its triumphant return on Thor’s crotch) yesterday to support their middle brother Chris Hemsworth. What’s the equivalent of Maury in Australia? Whatever it is, Luke should go on it, because I’d bet that he was the product of his mom’s affair with a miniature Mark Hamill impersonator.
If we played a game of Fuck/Marry/Kill with the Hemsworth brothers, it’d be easy for me. I’d fuck Luke Hemsworth. I’d marry Chris Hemsworth, because then I’d get sexing from him more than once. (“Ha, like married people fuck.” – you “Good point.” – you) And I wouldn’t have to kill Liam Hemsworth. He’d throw himself into a fire as soon as I flashed my b-hole at him.
Here’s more of the Hemsworth brothers last night. I guess Luke didn’t get the memo that they were all supposed to dress like Wall Street bankers unwinding at happy hour after a long day.
Well, well, well, it looks like Neville Longbottom (not to be confused with Tom Cruise’s Grindr name: NevilleShortBottom) from the Harry Potter movies performed the Makemehottes spell on himself. I was going to say he’s like that dude in junior high school who was a major awkward nerd and grew up to be a hot piece, but all the major awkward nerds in my junior high school grew up to be major awkward nerds. And yes by “all the major awkward nerds in my junior high school” I mean me.
Matthew Lewis, who is now 25 years old, is currently shooting some romantic drama called Me Before You with Emilia Clarke and he’s getting an early start on promoting it by posing in his underwear for a gay magazine. Matthew Lewis stripped down to his chonies, threw on an abuelo cardigan, worked his birthing hips and served up some “sleeping baby anteater” bulge in the UK’s Attitude Magazine. Matthew tells Attitude that he put some muscles on his body for the movie, because he plays an athlete or some shit. Since he plays an athlete, Matthew says he may wax off all that glorious body fur, because he needs to be as smooth as a snake’s anus.
“Apparently triathletes shave their legs for added aerodynamics, to buy you that extra couple of milliseconds. And my character, that is what he would do, so I think I’ll be losing the leg hair! I haven’t waxed before. I was quite keen just to shave every day but it was Emilia’s idea. She was like ‘no just wax it! Then you’ll only have to do it once!’ I was like ‘argh!’ I haven’t done it yet but we’ll see!”
If Matthew needs some extra cash he can always turn his waxed-off body fur into a rug and sell it on eBay. There’s a lot of horny hos out there who will gladly pay top dollar for a Matthew Lewis butt hair rug. But while many tricks are screaming, “Stick it in my chamber of secrets, Matthew,” at that picture, J.K. Rowling is not amused. She jokingly tweeted this today:
I’m with J.K. Rowling about DanRad in Equus. That was bad. I’m still salty over not seeing any peen.
Here’s Neville Longbottom on the cover of Attitude and also some pics of him at the London premiere of Tomorrowland a few days ago.
After that last depressing post, I figured a palate cleanser was needed and there’s no better palate cleanser than one that leaves chest and wigs hairs on your tongue.
Second City dug into their archives and pulled out this vintage clip from 1994 of a topless Steve Carrell getting blown Beyonce-style while wearing a Fabio wig. At around the 0:43 mark in the video below, Steve Carrell and his luxurious bear rug torso make an appearance and he serves up panty creaming seduction as Fabio while Stephen Colbert does his voice. Who knew that back then Steve Carrell was built like a beefy 70s gay porn star?
And yes, yes, I’d hit it, but only if he wore that 2 cent polyester Fabio wig and Stephen Colbert voiced his fuck moans.
Yesterday morning, Lake Michigan was filled with more shriveled-up dicks and frostbitten pussies than an orgy in an igloo when a bunch of brave bitches gladly froze their nipples off in the name of charity. The Chicago Tribune says that almost 5,000 people did the Polar Plunge into Lake Michigan in Chicago to raise money for the Special Olympics. They set a record yesterday by raising $1.5 million in just one day. Two of the people who risked pneumonia of the ass lips for charity were hot piece Taylor Kinney (no comment on his douchey back tattoo which belongs on the side of a van) and Lady Gaga who looked like Snow Miser in bad drag thanks to that frozen wig.
The Chicago Tribune said that the Special Olympics knew that Taylor, his Chicago Fire cast mates and Vince Vaughn were going to jump into that ice cold slushie, but they didn’t know that Lady CaCa was going to do it until minutes beforehand:
“She’s pure heart,” said Casey Hogan, president of Special Olympics Chicago and its fundraising arm Special Children’s Charities. “She came out for the cause — low-key, no press. It doesn’t get any better than that.”
The only reason to dip into icy waters is if it’s for charity, you’re getting paid thousands of dollars to do it, that necklace from Titanic is at the bottom or a topless Taylor Kinney grabs your hand and leads you into it. Below is video of the Polar Plunge. Keep a blow dryer nearby, because watching it may put icicles on your eyelashes.
All those people are cold, confused, wet and covered in ice…. Now they know how every baby who was pulled out of Nicole Kidman feels.
Oh, to be a paramedic in Chicago yesterday. As soon as Taylor Kinney came out of that icy lake, I’d grab his hand, push Gaga aside and tell him that his peen is in danger of catching hypothermia and I must save it by doing mouth-to-mouth while warming it up with my hands.
Pics: Getty, Splash/INF
Sexiest Man Alive Man With The Hardest-Hustling PR Team title holder was on The Tonight Show last night to pimp out that Michael Mann movie where he plays a hacker. Chris Hemsworth as a hacker makes TOO much sense. I mean, everyone knows that people who work behind a computer all day are buff as shit. I’m typing this while running on a treadmill while doing butt crunches and lifting 20 pound weights with each arm. I’m typing this with my nose. Anyway, I have no idea what Chris said about his movie or whatever, and who cares, really? If I want to know what the movie’s about, I’ll read the synopsis on IMDB. When an actor goes on a talk show to promote his movie, I want him to promote that movie by dancing in a white shirt while the host soaks him with a water soaker. That is how you sell a movie.
Jimmy Fallon and Thor played that stupid game where they throw glasses of water at each other’s face. The winner gets to wet the loser up with a water cannon. Usually, the only time I can get into watching two straight dudes bust wet loads on each other is when they’re starring in a Sean Cody scene, but I got into this. Thor lost the water tossing game, because this clip wouldn’t go viral if he didn’t. So Thor got out of his chair and delivered some sweet moves while Jimmy Fallon got him all wet. And as Thor got wet, so did the chonies of millions of Americans.
If you can’t look at a water cannon without thinking of that NOT RIGHT commercial, then this is the perfect palate cleanser for you. Every time you look at a water cannon, you can think of Thor dancing like a doofus while getting Flashdance wet.
Here’s Thor outside of Live! with Kelly & Michael yesterday morning.
I’m slightly pissed off at Prince Hot Ginge. If these pictures came out a couple of days ago, my title could’ve been: Christmas Has Come Early And So Have I. He’s so selfish sometimes. But seriously…
Because he has such a charitable soul and a giving heart, Britain’s hottest benefits scrounger spent his Christmas Eve Day getting sweaty while handling balls with a bunch of dudes (including Duchess Kate’s brother) in a charity match at THE QUEEN’S Sandringham Estate in Norfolk, England. This Christmas, I asked for some sweaty ball-handling time with PHG, but that isn’t going to happen. Maybe next year. But I did get the gift of these pictures of his belly button and his knees looking like he just finished giving a beej behind the bushes in a park at midnight after it rained. I’ll take it.
Merry Gingemas to us all!
Pics: AP, FameFlynet
No, I did not Photoshop that picture at all. Angels literally fly out of Charlie Hunnam’s ass went he humps. Holiness goes out as holiness goes in.
ICYHFTIY (In case you haven’t fapped to it yet), here’s my favorite Sons of Anarchy cast member, Charlie Humman’s ass cheeks, thrusting and clenching during another fuck scene on last night’s episode. The office of the Parents Television Council is closed today, because they need time to fully analyze the dark-sided, raunchy, sucio sinfulness going on in last night’s sex scene (read: they need time to rage jack to it). Once they finish doing that, they need more time to pray for FX’s dirty soul (read: cool their genitals before going for round 2) before they write a 10,000 word statement condemning this filth (read: write the statement with one hand while fapping some more with the other).
There’s two NSFWish GIFs of Charlie fake fucking after the cut and there’s many more at My New Plaid Pants. Like I’ve said before, I don’t watch SoA and there’s only one episode left, but just in case Charlie’s clenching nalgas make one last appearance, I’m going to watch next week while sitting on a tarp with one bottle of lube in one hand and a cocktail in the other.
I don’t watch Sons of Anarchy (I know I should because Peg Bundy + Charlie Hunnam’s nalgas), but apparently the beginning last week’s episode was a real fuck fest. Entertainment Weekly says that the episode opened with a three minute-long sex montage that showed six couples going at it and one chick going at it with herself. Oh, it also had a serving of Charlie Hunnam’s butt. Sons of Anarchy comes on screens at 10pm and they throw up a TV-MA warning before the show and after every commercial break. So the eyes of innocent children are warned. But of course, those hysterical, pearl clutchers at the Parents Television Council are outraged and appalled. They can’t believe that a network that gives us all that hot, beautiful fuck time goodness is in the same cable package as the Disney Channel. PTC’s president, Tim Winter, thinks FX needs to move out of basic cable and join those filthy fuck merchants on premium cable. Tim Winter spit out this stream of laugh juice:
“It’s official: In order to watch cable news, ESPN, Disney or the History Channel, every family in America must now also pay for pornography on FX. Last week’s episode of Sons of Anarchy opened with the most sexually explicit content we’ve ever seen on basic cable, content normally found on premium subscription networks like HBO or Showtime … If FX wants to be like HBO and air this kind of explicit content, then they should become a premium network … Families should not be forced to underwrite pornography. Cable Choice is a solution whose time has come, and there could hardly be a better example of it than this.”
Porn, really? Those PTC hos know the difference between fake cable sex and porn. Porn is the stuff they shame fap to on their iPads in the bathroom while the shower is on, towels are covering the mirrors and nobody’s in the house. FX didn’t have a comment about this, because why waste their keystrokes?
Like I said, I don’t watch SoA, but I do watch The Bridge (RIP) and American Horror Story and they get violent as hell. They cut each other open and crap. Why isn’t the PTC screaming about that? The PTC really needs to stop spitting out their rage letters and start learning how to block the dark-sided channels on their TVs. The public shouldn’t be deprived of Charlie Hunnam’s ass because those dumb ass parents aren’t parenting.
On the other hand…
If the PTC never released that ridiculous, stupid letter, I might not even know about SoA’s great big sex montage. But because their letter was picked up by everyone, I see Charlie Hunnam’s humping ass all over the place. So thank you for that, PTC. Thank you. You’re still crazy, but you did good work this time.
And after the cut is Charlie Hunnam’s ass in motion. I know, I really should’ve put it up top to save your eyes from scanning all those words.
If the whole being “the alien lizard sex god of Tumblr and beyond” doesn’t work out for Bentducttape Cummyrash he can always get a full-time job as a Sherlock Holmes soft-core fanfiction writer, because he’s got it down. I don’t watch the BBC’s Sherlock Holmes, because I prefer my Sherlock in a more classical setting and for me, it’s not close enough to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s original stories. That is why I only watch the gay porn parody Surelick Homos. But I have read that Benedict’s Sherlock never sticks his shercock in anybody and he’s pretty much a-sexual. During an interview with Elle UK, Benedict and the interviewer got into talking about what Sherlock would be like during fuck times.
The interviewer thinks that Sherlock would be a dud in bed, but B. Cums thinks the exact opposite. B. Cums convinces the interviewer by getting detailed. He’s obviously thought about this a lot. He starts off by saying how he’d prepare for the sex and what the condom fitting would be like:
Oooh… You know I’d get the, I’d probably test the latex, if it involved prophylactics, beforehand.
I’d do a little experiment to do with durability, length, girth, and um, strength. And um, I would probably take a lot of vitamin supplements to make sure that I could perform, and had had my sleep, and probably not had many cigarettes. Or drink, for that matter. Not that he does drink.
Is he preparing to fuck or preparing for surgery? Damn. And then he goes on to describe lizard cunnilingus and finger banging amphibian-style.
And then I would be devastating. I’d know exactly how to please a woman, I’d know exactly where to put my fingers, where to put my tongue, where to put my – his I should say – his fingers, his tongue. Think about violinists, think about what they can do with their fingers.
And I’d know exactly how to get that person into it, and get pleasure out of making that person feel pleasure to the point that I probably wouldn’t even have to enter…
But when I did it would be explosive.
I’m sure the coochies of the Cumberbitches are still spitting out steam after reading this, but I don’t know why. So what he’s saying is that Sherlock’s piece has to lie around and wait as he methodically tries on condoms like he’s trying on a tuxedo for his wedding day. After that, she’d have to wait some more as he takes some Centrum, gives himself a B12 shot, takes a power nap and plays the Rocky theme song while giving his dick a pep talk. Finally, he’d give her some tongue and finger love and after all of that, he’d stick in the tip of his hemipenis for a second before cumming. 3 hours of pre-sex warming up, 1 hour of foreplay and 10 seconds of dicking. That’s what I got from this. So in other words, Benedict thinks Sherlock is surely a cock tease.
I want to know what Robert Downey Jr. thinks of this.
And somewhere a child is screaming, “Abuelito, log off Twitter NOW!”
It’s been a little over a year since genitals dried all the way up and eyeball vessels burst from Geraldo Rivera giving everyone some “Pepaws with iPhones” shit by tweeting a topless selfie where his towel came dangerously close to exposing his shaved grandaddy crotch (and you know he shaves it). Well, just when genitals were starting to get moist again, Geraldo came back with a new topless tweet pic of him looking like a Wilford Brimley pin-up.
Geraldo is on vacation in Puerto Rico right now and he decided that it was a really good idea to hit the eyes of his followers with a picture of his 71-year-old nipples followed by his thoughts about yogurt (he meant Chobani, not Kobani, right?). I mean, political views should always be served with a topless selfie. Every cable news bitch should do that (hint hint, The Silver Fox). Once my eyes settled down from me scratching them out after being hit with Geraldo Rivera’s armpit fur, I saw a picture I kind of liked. Because of the ocean in the background and the way he’s leaning up against that wooden post, he looks like he’s saying, “Hey there, sailor, why don’t you come up and see me sometime?” It’s very “pier hustler glamour.”
But more importantly, would you hit it? And I don’t mean with a flying chair.
(Thanks to Al R. for sending this in. Thanks.)