Who cares if Ricky Martin’s shirt looks like it’s covered in flattened cockroaches and stepped-on bunny poop? Who also cares if Ricky Martin’s face looks like it was reupholstered in pieces cut out from the sun-damaged leather Levitz couch my tia kept on her backyard patio for years? Who cares about any of that? I doubt Ricky Martin gives a fuck , because he’s too busy humping on his hot new piece.
I would’ve said, “Why is this a thing that is still happening in 2016?“, out loud while watching the MTV Movie Awards last night, but it was impossible to speak words with my mouth permanently attached to the bong that was helping me get through that mess. That question danced between the weed clouds in my head as I watched that trailer showcase (they showed like 10 million movie trailers) masquerading as a dumb award show. I finally got my answer to that question at the very end of that shit show when Swedish Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Alexander Skarsgard strutted onto the stage wearing the same ensemble that the maître d’ at the cafe next to the bathhouse in the Scientology Centre wears.
As his lingonberries and Swedish blood sausage were stuffed into a pair of white man panties, ASkars presented the Best Movie award with his The Legend of Tarzan co-star Samuel L. Jackson. I’m not sure, but I think Star Whores: The Nerd Boners Awaken won that award. I wasn’t really paying attention, because all of my focus was on trying to find a peen print. You can’t tell from these pictures, but nearly every crotch in the audience shot out a jizz tsunami at the sight of ASkars in tighty-whities and the place flooded. ASkars and Samuel L. Jackson got stuck on the stage and had to be rescued by the Coast Guard.
This hot outfit almost makes up for the fact that ASkars wears soccer mom capris instead of a loincloth in that Tarzan shit. Hopefully, the marketing people behind Tarzan realized that this is the best way to sell that crap. I hope they keep it coming and as the July 1st release date gets closer, ASkars shows up to events in less and less clothes and eventually shows up to the premiere in this:
And here’s more pictures of ASkars in chonies. Is it just me or do those lightsabers look more erect than usual?
Pics: Getty, AP
Prince Hot Ginge is already back home in England after his charity trip to Nepal, but THE PALACE is going to squeeze as much attention out of that trip as possible, so new pictures were released including one of him and another dude handling a long, hard piece of semi-thick cut wood. Yes, that dripping sound you hear is me salivating while writing soft-core porn about a picture of PHG holding a piece of literal wood. You can officially label it as the sound of sad desperation.
When PHG was in Nepal, he assumed the position while pretending to be a tiger and he also visited sites hit hard by the earthquake last year. The Telegraph says that PHG didn’t only visit sites, he also helped rebuild a school and farm in a village that was torn apart by the quake. PHG and other veterans worked with Team Rubicon to lay down the foundation of a classroom and build a new farm with solar panels. Team Rubicon’s director of development claims that PHG wasn’t just there for a photo-op like SOME royals (I’m looking at you, Prince George) and he didn’t pose with the wood for 30 seconds before dropping it to take a helicopter ride to the nearest big city to party with a bunch of drunken tricks. Apparently, he worked and slept there:
“It was very much hands on manual labour – sleeping, eating and working out there with the other vets. Getting very much stuck-in as one of the team.”
Slept there too?! Don’t be surprised if you hear a news story about how a psychotic skinny fat American gay was jailed in Nepal after the people of a small village caught him fucking one of their mattresses. Hey, if you don’t want me fucking your mattress, don’t tell me that PHG slept on it.
Here’s a couple more pictures of PHG doing hard labor as well as pictures of him with the team who will compete for the UK at the Invictus Games in Florida in May.
Bless the kind soul whose idea it was for Prince Hot Ginge to bend over while trying to do his best tiger impersonation during a visit to the Bardia National Park in Nepal. I’m going to choose to believe that they knew that a picture of PHG looking like he’s happily presenting his hole to that WWF dude is just what many of us needed on a really ugly Monday. Thank you, kind soul!
The other day, I was looking at pictures from the set of the Baywatch movie on Miami Beach, and my eyes landed on an image that was just as bizarre and unbelievable as seeing an alive Tupac and an alive Jimmy Hoffa hump each other on top of a real-life unicorn wearing original Reebok The Pumps. (Side note: I still curse the name of every asshole brat who made fun of me for wearing bootleg Rebook Pumps that my mom bought me at the swap meet for my birthday.) The image was of Zac Efron in a shirt (the pictures are in the gallery below). How? Why?
Zac is shooting a movie that mostly takes place on a beach and he plays a lifeguard, and there’s a scene where he wears a shirt? 2016 is really bending brains. First, Posh Beckham has freed her hooves of high heels and now Zac Efron is wearing shirts in movies? But all’s right again, because Zac brought out his turtle shell cum gutters and veiny peen arms while shooting a topless scene on Saturday.
Every time I see new pictures of Zac, he looks bigger and buffer and he’s got even more muscles on his body. I bet even his jizz fish have six packs. And in many of the pictures from Saturday, Zac looks like he’s suffering from stage 10 constipation and he probably is. Dude’s nalgas are probably so muscled-up and clenched that it’s impossible for him to caca.
And this Baywatch movie takes place in modern day, but Zac’s haircut could’ve fooled me. That haircut is very 90s coked-up club douche (aka A Night At The Roxbury) meets late-80s Eastern European gay porn star. What I’m saying is that Zac should keep that haircut because it is the look.
Last December, ABC loudly screamed, “We love shitting on your childhood,” when they announced that they were doing a 3-hour TV remake of Dirty Dancing starring Little Miss Sunshine (aka Abigail Breslin) as Baby. Debra Messing is also playing Baby’s mom. I was waiting for ABC to announce that they were just kidding, because yeah, they’re heartless television executives who only care about money and ratings, but they’re not THAT heartless. That hasn’t happened. They’re still going through with their Dirty Dancing remake. But well, if it turns out to be a cold, wet turd, at least we’ll have a hot piece of pure muscle to look at.
Entertainment Weekly says that Broadway actor, chonies model, dancer, singer, CrossFit disciple and P!nk’s co-star in her video for Try, Colton Prattes, has been cast in the Patrick Swayze role of Johnny Castle. Derek Hough is going to dramatically jazz walk into his agent’s office and give that incompetent bitch a piece of his mind for not getting him that role. via EW
In the three-hour musical airing on ABC, Prattes will portray Johnny, the dance instructor at the Catskill Mountains resort who teaches Baby — played by Abigail Breslin — to be his new partner. Debra Messing has also been cast to play Baby’s mother.
Judging by these pictures of Colton, this remake is going to be very different than the Dirty Dancing we know. Johnny is always going to be shirtless or in a tank top, because whenever he tries to wear a t-shirt, his bulging muscles rip off the sleeves. He can’t help it! Baby is also going to be a shit dancer, because Johnny never has time to rehearse with her since he’s always at CrossFit class. And they’re going to have to re-work the “Nobody puts Baby in the corner” scene. In the TV remake, Johnny will say, “Nobody puts Baby in the corner, cause that’s where I keep my free weights, brah.”
And here’s a few pictures of the TV Johnny Castle working those rock hard cum gutters and that thigh tattoo.
Pics: Instagram, DNA
The Legend of Tarzan starring Nordic Vampire King Alexander Skarsgard and Margot Robbie cost $180 million and industry types have been saying that it’s probably going to flop harder than ASkars’ Swedish peen flops on my face in my wet dreams, but who cares?! We’re still getting an entire movie where ASkars runs around with his nipples and cum gutters out. They should just go ahead and edit out all the stuff nobody cares about (plot, dialogue and character development) and give is nothing but Tarzan running in slow motion while wearing a g-string loin cloth, which is eventually torn off during a fight with a tiger. And yes by “tiger” I mean another hot dude wearing cat ears.
USA Today says that this Tarzan movie isn’t like the usual Tarzan movies. This one takes place ten years after Tarzan leaves the jungle. Tarzan is living in Victorian-era London with his wife Jane. Tarzan and Jane go back to the jungle to save his home.
“It’s almost the opposite of the classic tale, where it’s about taming the beast,” says Skarsgård, 39. “This is about a man who’s holding back and slowly as you peel off the layers, he reverts back to a more animalistic state and lets that side of his personality out.”
I’m going to assume that “peel off the layers” means that Tarzan takes off those Old Navy khakis right away and gets naked. If that doesn’t happen, I’m going to sue ASkars for misrepresentation.
USA Today also posted a couple of pictures and this mess looks like a low-budget show on The CW that people only watch because it’s got topless dudes in it. In the picture below, they Photoshopped Joe ManJello’s arm on ASkars’ body and they both look like they’re thinking to themselves, “Shit, this is going to flop, isn’t it?”
I don’t care, though. I still can’t wait and I would throw money at the screen, but my hands are busy doing something else. Typing, you sucios, typing!
Okay, maybe just one comment: Bury me with this picture taped to my face, please.
Pics: Wenn.com (Thanks to everybody who gave me this tip!)
Sadly, a shirtless Charlie Hunnam isn’t in your “V” (if you’re a chick and in your “man V” if you’re a dude). But panty cream-summoner Charlie Hunnam is shirtless in a V Man photo shoot where he was done up like he’s starring in a sexy post-apocalyptic S&M remake of Braveheart. I know that red cross on his face is for English pride, but it’s the same red cross the coochie coroner will paint on your genitals when it passes out and dies after looking at that picture of him licking his thumb.
Charlie also said words to V. Specifically, he said words about Fifty Shades of Shit. Yes, people are still asking him questions about dodging that diarrhea bullet and yes, he’s still answering those questions. I guess if you were supposed to be on a ship that crashed into a rock and exploded, people would constantly ask you about it. So when I put it that way, it makes sense that people keep asking Charlie about why he dropped out of that disaster.
V Man brought up Charlie quitting Fifty Shades and I wish there was a video of his response, because it sounds like he gave the performance of his lifetime! Charlie dramatically told V Man that dropping out of that mess was the most “emotionally destructive and destructive thing” he’s ever had to do professionally. That’s funny, because I would think that actually making the movie would be the most “emotionally destructive and difficult thing” he’s ever had to do professionally. Charlie says that he cried for 20 minutes on the phone after breaking the news to Fifty Shades’ director Sam Taylor-Johnson. He was probably crying tears of joy and she was probably crying tears of sadness because she wouldn’t get to see his ass bouncing up and down live and in person.
Charlie says that contrary to some tricks’ belief, he didn’t quit Fifty Shades because of the sex scenes:
“The outside perception of that was that I got really cold feet and got scared of the explicit nature of the sexuality of the piece,” he says. As an example, he refers to a prior role in Showtime’s Queer as Folk, saying, “When I was 18 I was getting fucked in the ass, completely naked on national TV, you know?”
Oh, I know, Charlie. I know. I owned the DVD.
Pics: V Man/Tim Walker
Before I passed out while watching my nightly lullaby show (House Hunters International) last night, these pucker-inducing pictures dropped into my inbox several times and it opened up something in me and I just knew I was going to have wet dreams of climbing the sequined mountain of bewigged eleganza that is Alexander Skarsgard in drag. I wasn’t ready to learn that about myself.
ASkars’ new movie The Diary of a Teenage Girl, which also stars Kristen Wiig, Bel Powley and Christopher Meloni, had its premiere at the Castro Theater in San Francisco last night and the extra tall glass of Swedish leche gave everyone the faints when he sashayed onto the carpet while looking like a viking god’s lightning bolt in one of Dolly Parton’s old wigs. The Daily Mail says that Peaches Christ, one of the rulers of the San Francisco drag scene, is in the movie, so maybe ASkars transformed himself into Miss Ikea von ABBA as an homage to her? I don’t know. But I do know that I learned something new about myself while looking at these pictures. I learned that I’d totally fuck an HGH-taking Sandra Lee in bad Farrah Fawcett circa 1978 drag. I’d hit it until her eyelashes fell off and even then, I’d slap them back on and keep going.
And here’s ASkars serving up disco Swedish Fish last night. Honestly, it’s hard for me to judge his drag without seeing his tuck game…. and now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to fall back from picturing a dragged up ASkars with his Swedish sausage tucked between his nalgitas.