Sexiest Man Alive Man With The Hardest-Hustling PR Team title holder was on The Tonight Show last night to pimp out that Michael Mann movie where he plays a hacker. Chris Hemsworth as a hacker makes TOO much sense. I mean, everyone knows that people who work behind a computer all day are buff as shit. I’m typing this while running on a treadmill while doing butt crunches and lifting 20 pound weights with each arm. I’m typing this with my nose. Anyway, I have no idea what Chris said about his movie or whatever, and who cares, really? If I want to know what the movie’s about, I’ll read the synopsis on IMDB. When an actor goes on a talk show to promote his movie, I want him to promote that movie by dancing in a white shirt while the host soaks him with a water soaker. That is how you sell a movie.
Jimmy Fallon and Thor played that stupid game where they throw glasses of water at each other’s face. The winner gets to wet the loser up with a water cannon. Usually, the only time I can get into watching two straight dudes bust wet loads on each other is when they’re starring in a Sean Cody scene, but I got into this. Thor lost the water tossing game, because this clip wouldn’t go viral if he didn’t. So Thor got out of his chair and delivered some sweet moves while Jimmy Fallon got him all wet. And as Thor got wet, so did the chonies of millions of Americans.
If you can’t look at a water cannon without thinking of that NOT RIGHT commercial, then this is the perfect palate cleanser for you. Every time you look at a water cannon, you can think of Thor dancing like a doofus while getting Flashdance wet.
Here’s Thor outside of Live! with Kelly & Michael yesterday morning.
I’m slightly pissed off at Prince Hot Ginge. If these pictures came out a couple of days ago, my title could’ve been: Christmas Has Come Early And So Have I. He’s so selfish sometimes. But seriously…
Because he has such a charitable soul and a giving heart, Britain’s hottest benefits scrounger spent his Christmas Eve Day getting sweaty while handling balls with a bunch of dudes (including Duchess Kate’s brother) in a charity match at THE QUEEN’S Sandringham Estate in Norfolk, England. This Christmas, I asked for some sweaty ball-handling time with PHG, but that isn’t going to happen. Maybe next year. But I did get the gift of these pictures of his belly button and his knees looking like he just finished giving a beej behind the bushes in a park at midnight after it rained. I’ll take it.
Merry Gingemas to us all!
Pics: AP, FameFlynet
No, I did not Photoshop that picture at all. Angels literally fly out of Charlie Hunnam’s ass went he humps. Holiness goes out as holiness goes in.
ICYHFTIY (In case you haven’t fapped to it yet), here’s my favorite Sons of Anarchy cast member, Charlie Humman’s ass cheeks, thrusting and clenching during another fuck scene on last night’s episode. The office of the Parents Television Council is closed today, because they need time to fully analyze the dark-sided, raunchy, sucio sinfulness going on in last night’s sex scene (read: they need time to rage jack to it). Once they finish doing that, they need more time to pray for FX’s dirty soul (read: cool their genitals before going for round 2) before they write a 10,000 word statement condemning this filth (read: write the statement with one hand while fapping some more with the other).
There’s two NSFWish GIFs of Charlie fake fucking after the cut and there’s many more at My New Plaid Pants. Like I’ve said before, I don’t watch SoA and there’s only one episode left, but just in case Charlie’s clenching nalgas make one last appearance, I’m going to watch next week while sitting on a tarp with one bottle of lube in one hand and a cocktail in the other.
I don’t watch Sons of Anarchy (I know I should because Peg Bundy + Charlie Hunnam’s nalgas), but apparently the beginning last week’s episode was a real fuck fest. Entertainment Weekly says that the episode opened with a three minute-long sex montage that showed six couples going at it and one chick going at it with herself. Oh, it also had a serving of Charlie Hunnam’s butt. Sons of Anarchy comes on screens at 10pm and they throw up a TV-MA warning before the show and after every commercial break. So the eyes of innocent children are warned. But of course, those hysterical, pearl clutchers at the Parents Television Council are outraged and appalled. They can’t believe that a network that gives us all that hot, beautiful fuck time goodness is in the same cable package as the Disney Channel. PTC’s president, Tim Winter, thinks FX needs to move out of basic cable and join those filthy fuck merchants on premium cable. Tim Winter spit out this stream of laugh juice:
“It’s official: In order to watch cable news, ESPN, Disney or the History Channel, every family in America must now also pay for pornography on FX. Last week’s episode of Sons of Anarchy opened with the most sexually explicit content we’ve ever seen on basic cable, content normally found on premium subscription networks like HBO or Showtime … If FX wants to be like HBO and air this kind of explicit content, then they should become a premium network … Families should not be forced to underwrite pornography. Cable Choice is a solution whose time has come, and there could hardly be a better example of it than this.”
Porn, really? Those PTC hos know the difference between fake cable sex and porn. Porn is the stuff they shame fap to on their iPads in the bathroom while the shower is on, towels are covering the mirrors and nobody’s in the house. FX didn’t have a comment about this, because why waste their keystrokes?
Like I said, I don’t watch SoA, but I do watch The Bridge (RIP) and American Horror Story and they get violent as hell. They cut each other open and crap. Why isn’t the PTC screaming about that? The PTC really needs to stop spitting out their rage letters and start learning how to block the dark-sided channels on their TVs. The public shouldn’t be deprived of Charlie Hunnam’s ass because those dumb ass parents aren’t parenting.
On the other hand…
If the PTC never released that ridiculous, stupid letter, I might not even know about SoA’s great big sex montage. But because their letter was picked up by everyone, I see Charlie Hunnam’s humping ass all over the place. So thank you for that, PTC. Thank you. You’re still crazy, but you did good work this time.
And after the cut is Charlie Hunnam’s ass in motion. I know, I really should’ve put it up top to save your eyes from scanning all those words.
If the whole being “the alien lizard sex god of Tumblr and beyond” doesn’t work out for Bentducttape Cummyrash he can always get a full-time job as a Sherlock Holmes soft-core fanfiction writer, because he’s got it down. I don’t watch the BBC’s Sherlock Holmes, because I prefer my Sherlock in a more classical setting and for me, it’s not close enough to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s original stories. That is why I only watch the gay porn parody Surelick Homos. But I have read that Benedict’s Sherlock never sticks his shercock in anybody and he’s pretty much a-sexual. During an interview with Elle UK, Benedict and the interviewer got into talking about what Sherlock would be like during fuck times.
The interviewer thinks that Sherlock would be a dud in bed, but B. Cums thinks the exact opposite. B. Cums convinces the interviewer by getting detailed. He’s obviously thought about this a lot. He starts off by saying how he’d prepare for the sex and what the condom fitting would be like:
Oooh… You know I’d get the, I’d probably test the latex, if it involved prophylactics, beforehand.
I’d do a little experiment to do with durability, length, girth, and um, strength. And um, I would probably take a lot of vitamin supplements to make sure that I could perform, and had had my sleep, and probably not had many cigarettes. Or drink, for that matter. Not that he does drink.
Is he preparing to fuck or preparing for surgery? Damn. And then he goes on to describe lizard cunnilingus and finger banging amphibian-style.
And then I would be devastating. I’d know exactly how to please a woman, I’d know exactly where to put my fingers, where to put my tongue, where to put my – his I should say – his fingers, his tongue. Think about violinists, think about what they can do with their fingers.
And I’d know exactly how to get that person into it, and get pleasure out of making that person feel pleasure to the point that I probably wouldn’t even have to enter…
But when I did it would be explosive.
I’m sure the coochies of the Cumberbitches are still spitting out steam after reading this, but I don’t know why. So what he’s saying is that Sherlock’s piece has to lie around and wait as he methodically tries on condoms like he’s trying on a tuxedo for his wedding day. After that, she’d have to wait some more as he takes some Centrum, gives himself a B12 shot, takes a power nap and plays the Rocky theme song while giving his dick a pep talk. Finally, he’d give her some tongue and finger love and after all of that, he’d stick in the tip of his hemipenis for a second before cumming. 3 hours of pre-sex warming up, 1 hour of foreplay and 10 seconds of dicking. That’s what I got from this. So in other words, Benedict thinks Sherlock is surely a cock tease.
I want to know what Robert Downey Jr. thinks of this.
And somewhere a child is screaming, “Abuelito, log off Twitter NOW!”
It’s been a little over a year since genitals dried all the way up and eyeball vessels burst from Geraldo Rivera giving everyone some “Pepaws with iPhones” shit by tweeting a topless selfie where his towel came dangerously close to exposing his shaved grandaddy crotch (and you know he shaves it). Well, just when genitals were starting to get moist again, Geraldo came back with a new topless tweet pic of him looking like a Wilford Brimley pin-up.
Geraldo is on vacation in Puerto Rico right now and he decided that it was a really good idea to hit the eyes of his followers with a picture of his 71-year-old nipples followed by his thoughts about yogurt (he meant Chobani, not Kobani, right?). I mean, political views should always be served with a topless selfie. Every cable news bitch should do that (hint hint, The Silver Fox). Once my eyes settled down from me scratching them out after being hit with Geraldo Rivera’s armpit fur, I saw a picture I kind of liked. Because of the ocean in the background and the way he’s leaning up against that wooden post, he looks like he’s saying, “Hey there, sailor, why don’t you come up and see me sometime?” It’s very “pier hustler glamour.”
But more importantly, would you hit it? And I don’t mean with a flying chair.
(Thanks to Al R. for sending this in. Thanks.)
So this is what it looks like when the straight Jonas Brother shamelessly tries to get those pink dollars in his Calvin Klein chonies by pandering to the guy audience. I’m really not mad. I say pander away, you shameless bitch, pander away!
Ever since Nick Jonas tried to de-twink himself by putting muscles on his body, he’s been strolling around with his nipples and three-way happy trial out. Nick took his “pandering to the gays” act to the next level by grabbing his purity balls and flashing the hairy forest that runs between his ass cheeks in Flaunt Magazine. Nick’s obviously trying to shed the Disney off of him by giving us “freshmen frat boy’s first gay porn audition” realness and Pride Source (via Towleroad) recently asked him what he thinks about hos saying he’s baiting gay eyes.
“Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. I think it’s unfortunate that some people have to find a negative in every situation. Clearly my heart is in the right place, and more than anything, if they just looked at my life and my gay friends and the authentic nature of where my heart is, they’d just see that they’re kind of ignorant. The nature of where we are today is, we’re in a time where we need to make strides and step forward as a society and embrace all people from all different walks of life. When you’re trying to make a bold statement like that, some people aren’t gonna fall in line with that. And that’s OK. You gotta stay on your own path.”
I wish there was video of this, because I bet Nick ate a banana during that interview. Nick recently had his teeth whitened so he couldn’t bite into that banana between spitting out words. So he had to deep throat it and let it slowly melt in his mouth before he swallowed it all. But he’s not pandering.
Who cares if Nick Jonas is trying to get money from the gays by showing off his ass crack pubes. Marky Mark did it whether his dumb ass knew it or not. Those Calvin Klein Marky Mark pictures and the men’s underwear section of the JcPenney catalog helped me how to fap properly as a young gay. Every young gay needs a Marky Mark and I guess Nick Jonas is the Marky Mark for today’s young gays….
Here’s Idris Elba shooting a running scene on the London set of the movie A Hundred Streets and yes, I’ve already glued my eyeballs to my monitor and I didn’t see a trace of a mic cord or his supposed Loch Ness Crotch Monster. But wait, to the right, is that it? Maybe it sniffed out a mouse running below, came out of its hiding place, made a sharp right turn down Idris’ left leg and is going after it.
What we really need is Justin Theroux running next to him. One look at Justin Theroux’s “family of fat hamsters cuddling in a hammock” bulge and Idris’ bulge would come out, because it wouldn’t want to be shown up like that. It’d be a bulge-off.
UPDATE: It’s a mic wire.
Finally, some news that really matters!
Gawker and TMZ posted these pictures of Idris Elba shooting a movie called “A Hundred Streets” in London today and they both fanned themselves and stuck a bottle of smelling salts in their nostrils over the bulge in his pants, which looks like a skinny baby’s arm (I do see an elbow) holding a magic wand. Idris Elba has the swagger of a dude whose got a dick so big that he can bust a cervix, but I don’t know. If it’s soft, then Idris Elba literally has a third leg dick and if you ever do a photo shoot with him, leave the tripod at home, because he’s always carrying one. If it’s soft, then it must have built-in suction cups and is clinging to his thigh, because it’s hanging so straight. It also kind of looks like his pool noodle dick and his crotch berries are not attached. That could be a mic cord in his pants or maybe he’s got an extra long tube of Mentos in his pocket.
Here’s a picture from the side and another picture where some of it disappears:
Because I’d like to think that I have a degree in bulge-watching from DEU (Dick Enthusiast University), I spent a giant piece (punned on purpose) of my day staring at Idris Elba’s crotch. I haven’t been this productive in days, weeks, months, years, decades! It looks really long and skinny (the Taylor Swift of peens), so I’m going to say that it’s a mic cord or a crease or something. The only way we’ll really know for sure that Idris Elba has a garden hose dick is if it challenges The Hammaconda to a wrestling match. The Hammaconda has strength from the 3 baby goats it eats daily, but Idris Elba’s garden hose dick can wrap around it and strangle it until it turns blue and screams for its mommy.
And here’s more pictures for you dick detectives out there including pictures of Idris shooting a scene on a balcony with a shot gun. At least, I think that’s a shot gun, but it could be his dick.
Panty Creamer Of The Day: Leonardo DiCaprio Giving You Body, Ponytail And Nasty Beard Hotness In Miami
If you’re a 6’1″, 90lb blonde model who is under the age of OLD (read: 23) and always looking to come up, then it’s your lucky life, because there’s a really good chance that this hot, chunk of hairy, bloated hotness will climb on top of you and cover your body with his stank as his beard fleas jump onto your face. Lucky whore.
It’s Fashion Week in Miami right now and wherever there’s a large gathering of models, there’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo trolling around and looking for his next piece. Leo took a break from sitting front row at fashion shows and pointing at models while telling his people that he’ll take “one of those and one of those and one of those” to feed his hairy nipples and belly pouch some much needed Vitamin D on the beach. Leo is apparently growing out his hair, beard and body for a movie that’s shooting in September and no, I don’t know if he’s playing a bottom level Zach Galifianakis impersonator who can also impersonate Jack Nicholson for anyone who’s not picky and on a budget. Leo is once again proving that if you’re a famous millionaire, you can look like you smell like foreskin gouda, thick beard gravy and pit syrup and models will still throw their chocha at you. Not pictured: Lukas Haas hosing down all the models trying to throw their chochas at Leo while he’s having some “me time” on the beach.
And yes, I still, still would. Leo’s high ponytail and those back bangs that look like a hairy neck skirt are taking me higher.
Pics: FameFlynet, Splash