I’ve never had the urge to join a cult, because the wardrobe is usually busted, they usually have a curfew, they usually don’t have an open bar, you’re always around people and call me an old-fashioned bitch, but offing myself with dozens of other people is not the way I want to go out. But I’d totally sell all my shit and put on a fugly tracksuit to join a cult where ASkars is the leader and he silently walks around topless with a tattered, used and abused blond wig on his head.
ASkars pulled his season 1 Vampire Eric wig out of storage, quickly shook the dust out of it and slapped it on his head to star in Cut Copy’s video for “Free Your Mind” (which sadly isn’t a cover of the En Vogue song).
Let’s see, a cult where you get to give ASkars a foot bath (dude won’t care if you switch that rag for your tongue or moist fuck parts), play basketball with him and a Santa Claus Jesus, get kissed on the forehead by him while you’re standing in a pool, watch him tame a dog with his mighty (it’s not mighty at all) bark, measure the strength of his piss stream, stare at him while you’re humping another cult member, randomly make out with him in the kitchen and then watch his saggy chonies sway back and forth as he runs away into the darkness. This is my kind of cult!
Goodbye, family and free will. Hello, ugly tracksuit!
While the Emmys were bumming everyone the shit out by showing us dead person after dead person, Richard Simmons was giving everybody life on Twitter. During the show, the spawn of Billy Crystal and a Care Bear, made anus lips twitch and tingle into a frenzy by tweeting pictures of him dragged up as various TV characters. You better shove an ice cube up your ass, because if you don’t, the sight of Richard Simmons in all kinds of drag will make your prostate melt and drip out of your body.
Who cares if Richard Simmons as Walter White looks more like Justin Bieber after his music career dies and he tries to make it in the world of female tennis. Who cares if Richard Simmons as Sister Jude from AHS: Asylum looks more like a strung out Tan Mom. And who cares if Richard Simmons in Game of Thrones drag looks like a sober White Oprah SANS FARDS. All of this is perfection wrapped in a rainbow wrapped in a unicorn’s air kiss wrapped in another layer of perfection.
Miley will most likely Instagram a picture of her wearing nothing but a clit cozy today and that’ll make my head swallow my eyeballs for once and for all, and that’s okay. I’ve seen everything there is to see now that I’ve seen Richard Simmons in drag as Phoebe Price. It’s like heaven jacked off in my eyes.
If Chris Hemsworth traveled back in time to 1963, grew ovaries and a womb, and had messy, rough bareback sex with a young Clint Eastwood, he would butt birth out Scott Eastwood 9 months later. This is Clint Eastwood and Jacelyn Allen Reeves’ 27-year-old son Scott giving us “spoiled, rich, douchey WASP who will fuck you hot and leave you cold on the deck of his yacht” in Town & Country. Scott lives in San Diego, is an actor and trying to be a leading man type like his dad. Scott also said some words to Town & Country about his career, but it’s best if you lay your eyes on his pictures instead of his words, because um….
“People assumed that I would have everything handed to me, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I was on my own just doing the grind.
As a director and an actor, my dad’s motto is ‘Tell the truth.’ The only way of doing that is having life experiences and being a storyteller. I want to be a man’s man—not a kid actor or a glitzy pop star but a no-bullshit leading man.”
Yeah, a no frills man’s man who shaves his chest and probably spent 2 hours in the salon chair while getting those golden chestnut highlights. Yes, I made the mistake of reading his words, but his words and his mini-shaped baby teeth still can’t totally kill his hotness. Making this hot piece is the third best thing Clint Eastwood has done after Paint Your Wagon and screaming at an empty chair.
Here’s panty pudding-inducer David Gandy posing with dogs at Pup Aid 2013 in London’s Primrose Hill Park. That’s puppy’s face is saying “I think I just made a pregnant,” which means that in a couple of months the world will have a litter of Gandy puppies! But seriously, it’s David Gandy and an adorable dog. Nothing more needs to be said. The end. Shut it down.
This is the part of your day when you curse at your high school guidance counselor and the adults in your teen life for not telling you that being a professional oil applier is a career option. While some of you are making paper clip jewelry under fluorescent lights in your cubicle, this lucky soul is getting paid money to rub oil on car movie actor Paul Walker’s stomach during a photo shoot in Hawaii. John Travolta just fired his agent, turned in his resignation letter to Hollywood and signed up for classes at professional oil applier school. But he’d be a terrible, terrible professional oil applier, because he’d get fired ten seconds into his first job after telling his model, “The oil goes on much more evenly if I apply it with my tongue.”
Here’s more of Paul Walker rolling around in the sand during a photo shoot for Cool Water. COOL WATER! Cool Water, the perfect cologne for when you want to reek like the boys bathroom at a junior high school dance in 1990.
Twitter’s lone selfie master and Watchtower’s Playmate of every year tweeted his cover art for his new song “Breakfast Can Wait” and even though I don’t appreciate that song title (PANCAKES CAN NEVER WAIT), I do appreciate that perfect cover art. That perfect cover art is the blueberry syrup on my pancakes. The picture was taken from The Chappelle Show’s Prince sketch starring Dave Chappelle as Jehovah’s sexiest witness. Who ever the hell came up with the saying, “anything can happen,” was talking about Prince actually showing that he has a sense of humor.
And here’s a preview from Prince’s song. Yes, it’s from YouTube (aka Prince’s former nemesis). The world keeps showing that it’s a strange place:
My one wish for the day is that Prince’s video will be nothing but him rolling around naked on a giant breakfast plate while Diamond and Pearl (they need a comeback) pour syrup all over him.
The real A-listers of Hollywood (see: Johnny Mathis and basically nobody else) came out yesterday t to support the sexy turtle Richard Grieco at the opening of his art show “Abstract Emotionalism” at Gallerie Sparta in L.A. Richard Grieco’s art looks like this:
All that white and red. It looks like the aftermath of a virgin orgy. It truly is abstract and emotional! And it’s obvious that Jackson Pollock was a future traveler who traveled to the 2000s, saw Richard Grieco’s technique, traveled back to the 30s and tried to pass it off as he own style. Richard Grieco didn’t steal from Jackson Pollock. Jackson Pollock stole from Richard Grieco!
Speaking of stealing Richard Grieco’s style, that’s exactly what his old 21 Jump Street co-star Johnny Depp has been doing for years. Johnny Depp has been looking like a tired, spent, sunburnt Galapagos tortoise who has made its way to New Mexico and is working as a daytime bartender at a dive bar. That’s Richard Grieco’s signature look. Get your own, Johnny.
And yes, I still would and I’d hit it while feeding him wet lettuce.
Buzzfeed dropped a panty pudding-inducing bomb on hos by posting a tattooed happy trail of pictures from Ryan Gosling’s jail strip scene in The Place Beyond The
Pines Peen. I sat through all two-and-almost-a-half hours of A Place Beyond The Pines in a movie theater and I am mad and close to demanding a refund for this scene not being included in that shit. INJUSTICE! Yes, I got 140 minutes of Ryan Gosling being a hot half-mute Slytherin covered in Pee Chee folder tattoos, but I didn’t get any bulge. But thanks to the deleted scene GODS, Ryan Gosling’s Canadian crotch moose did make it into the DVD extras and I’ll leave you two alone.
And here’s it in motion:
Check please! Goodnight!
I take back what I said about the video of the Twisted Sisters being the 8th color of the rainbow. THIS is the 8th color of the rainbow. Shit, this IS the rainbow and I’m sure every Claymate is tasting that rainbow by licking the screen.
Here’s the number one reason “How do I get dried coochie cream out of mom jeans?” is the most searched question on Google amongst the Claymates this week. Clay Aiken is twirling and spinning and putting ginger-flavored sugar on your eyes in this promo picture for Ogunquit Playhouse’s production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. That’s not a recycled Sears Portrait Studio background behind clay, those are the stars and crystals that spray out of his ginger flower when he spins and twirls in a rainbow coat. Make whores moist by working that wig and those Joan Crawford brows, Clay.
My credit card is so confused. It doesn’t know if it wants to use itself to buy a plane ticket to Maine to see Clay in this glittery extravagaynza, the Golden Girls dollhouse or Amanda Palmer’s used glass dildo?
via WOW Report
Hugh JackMeOff wasn’t going to let puny ass Nick Jonas be the only trick showing his muscle-wrapped muscles off today, so he tweeted this picture of his skin screeching for dear life as it tries to hold in his bulging veins while he lifts a bunch of oversized checkers (or whatever those things are) at a gym in NYC. Once Hugh dropped the bar and re-attached his arms to his shoulders, he tweeted the note, “If the bar ain’t bendin, then you’re just pretendin.” That’s one of my mottos too! My other motto is, “If my guts ain’t bustin’, you ain’t a thrustin.”
There’s so much going on in this picture and I have a lot of questions. Who is that silver fox in the mirror? Is that Anderson Cooper sitting on a Sybian or is it Bob Tuschman? Does it looks like his peen is resting its head on that bar while his other muscles scream for mercy? Wouldn’t that extra chunky belt look better with a thin summer sweater and leggings? And are you making the same face Hugh is making when you look at those horrific ass glove shoes?! I don’t care if they serve a purpose. If you really don’t want Quentin Tarantino to flirt with your feet, put those dark-sided things on. Nobody will want to fuck your feet if you wear those. They’re like stained granny panties for your feet.
And about Hugh’s face…..
He looks like a bearded cherry tomato. Now we know what Hugh’s face looks like when he prolapses while suffering from a severe case of the hard shits and we also know what his face looks like the moment he realizes that getting DP’d isn’t really for him.
And I was joking when I said that nobody wants to hump Hugh’s feet in those glove shoes. I’d totally do Hugh’s feet, fugly ass glove shoes and all.