The third and final movie in the Fifty Shades series called Fifty Shits Freed is still shooting, and yesterday wet piece of cardboard Dakota Johnson and chiseled wooden block Jamie Dornan got into their swim chonies to shoot a beach scene in Saint-Jean-Cap-Ferrat, France.
I’ve only read about 25 pages of the first book and I haven’t read the other two, because if I want to put my eyes on dumb raunch and trash, I’d read my own blog posts. So I have no idea if there’s a scene in Fifty Shits Freed where that Christian Grey dude and that Anastasia chick go on a beach vacation and decide to try to fit in with the tourists so she buys a shit-fitting, factory-defective bikini from the J. Crew outlet and he buys swim trunks from L.L. Bean. That would explain what they’re wearing.
Everyone always says that Hollywood is ran by Jewish men and gay men, but the latter is obviously not true. Because Alexander Skarsgard doesn’t wear a crotch flap in The Legend of Tarzan, and Jamie Dornan wears baggy dad trunks in this Fifty Shits wreck. Besides, Christian Grey is a billionaire and everyone knows that when billionaires go to the beach, they wear this (but one made out of actual $100 bills):
See, this is why the Fifty Shits books and movies can’t be taken seriously. They’re so not realistic!
Pics: Splash, Budgy Smuggler
What better way is there to end another week of surviving life than by resting your eyeballs on this picture of a drenched Alexander Skarsgard looking all vulnerable-like while throwing you fuck me eyes? Okay, a better way to end another week of surviving life would be to walk into your apartment to find a naked and lubed-up ASkars lounging on your sofa with an Entenmann’s Devil’s Food Cake in one hand and a winning Powerball ticket in the other, but this is second! Okay, actually second is walking out of your job and finding a naked and lubed-up ASkars sitting in a car that will take you both to the Cheesecake Factory where you won’t have to wait for 6 hours because he knows people. But this is third!
39-year-old ASkars and 25-year-old (in Catherine Zeta-Jones years, allegedly) Margot Robbie did a spread in Vogue to promote that loincloth-less Tarzan movie. I have two things to say about this spread:
1. On the cover, it looks like they used a Snapchat filter to put Emma Stone’s face on top of Margot Robbie’s face.
2. While I appreciate that the Dark Priestess of Fashion Anna Wintour slipped in something for us hard-up whores by including that pic of a wet ASkars, he’s wearing way too many clothes in the other pictures while Margot is in a damn bikini top and panties. Whatever happened to equally objectifying both sexes?! Since this shoot was Tarzan-themed, Vogue could’ve fixed Hollywood’s mistake by putting Alexander Skarsgard in a Gucci loincloth or something. Why are Hollywood and the fashion world trying to keep ASkars and loincloths apart when they clearly belong together? I swear, they hate us.
Pics: Mert Alas and Marcus Piggot/Vogue
Today was day 3 of the Invictus Games in Orlando, FL and after the swimming relay team from Britain won the gold medal, they all gathered around and got Prince Hot Ginge wet. I’m going to keep from commenting on that picture, because Dlisted is already blocked in a lot of places for being HIGHLY inappropriate, and if I describe that pic, this mess of a site will definitely be labeled as 100% porn. So I’ll just leave that beautiful picture here. But I will say that you should be grateful that it’s a digital picture and that I didn’t give you a hard copy. Because if it was a hard copy, you’d definitely have to clean it with antibacterial Windex. You know, you should go ahead and spray your screen with antibacterial Windex anyway. Just in case.
Pics: AP, Splash, Getty
On any given Saturday night, you’d usually find me passed out on a pile of fun size 3 Musketeers wrappers with a dried stream of red wine drool clinging to my face. But this past Saturday night, you’d find me smoking a cigarette in bed in between wiping the sweat off of my forehead with a cold wet towel after having some Photoshop fun with that picture of Prince Hot Ginge busting out a happy O face while grasping onto a bottle. Yes, that’s the most action I’ve had in years.
The first Magic Mike made over $113 million in the US, and even though the second one made just over $66 million, it still turned a profit. Channing Tatum is continuing to milk Magic Mike for money, and announced yesterday that a peen-flapping, crotch-thrusting, nipple-flashing Magic Mike Live show is hitting the Hard Rock (I see what they did there) in Las Vegas next March. If your genitals howl like a cartoon wolf in a tux over Channing Tatum, tell it to calm down, because he’s not going to be a regular in the show.
Who cares if Ricky Martin’s shirt looks like it’s covered in flattened cockroaches and stepped-on bunny poop? Who also cares if Ricky Martin’s face looks like it was reupholstered in pieces cut out from the sun-damaged leather Levitz couch my tia kept on her backyard patio for years? Who cares about any of that? I doubt Ricky Martin gives a fuck , because he’s too busy humping on his hot new piece.
I would’ve said, “Why is this a thing that is still happening in 2016?“, out loud while watching the MTV Movie Awards last night, but it was impossible to speak words with my mouth permanently attached to the bong that was helping me get through that mess. That question danced between the weed clouds in my head as I watched that trailer showcase (they showed like 10 million movie trailers) masquerading as a dumb award show. I finally got my answer to that question at the very end of that shit show when Swedish Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Alexander Skarsgard strutted onto the stage wearing the same ensemble that the maître d’ at the cafe next to the bathhouse in the Scientology Centre wears.
As his lingonberries and Swedish blood sausage were stuffed into a pair of white man panties, ASkars presented the Best Movie award with his The Legend of Tarzan co-star Samuel L. Jackson. I’m not sure, but I think Star Whores: The Nerd Boners Awaken won that award. I wasn’t really paying attention, because all of my focus was on trying to find a peen print. You can’t tell from these pictures, but nearly every crotch in the audience shot out a jizz tsunami at the sight of ASkars in tighty-whities and the place flooded. ASkars and Samuel L. Jackson got stuck on the stage and had to be rescued by the Coast Guard.
This hot outfit almost makes up for the fact that ASkars wears soccer mom capris instead of a loincloth in that Tarzan shit. Hopefully, the marketing people behind Tarzan realized that this is the best way to sell that crap. I hope they keep it coming and as the July 1st release date gets closer, ASkars shows up to events in less and less clothes and eventually shows up to the premiere in this:
And here’s more pictures of ASkars in chonies. Is it just me or do those lightsabers look more erect than usual?
Pics: Getty, AP
Prince Hot Ginge is already back home in England after his charity trip to Nepal, but THE PALACE is going to squeeze as much attention out of that trip as possible, so new pictures were released including one of him and another dude handling a long, hard piece of semi-thick cut wood. Yes, that dripping sound you hear is me salivating while writing soft-core porn about a picture of PHG holding a piece of literal wood. You can officially label it as the sound of sad desperation.
When PHG was in Nepal, he assumed the position while pretending to be a tiger and he also visited sites hit hard by the earthquake last year. The Telegraph says that PHG didn’t only visit sites, he also helped rebuild a school and farm in a village that was torn apart by the quake. PHG and other veterans worked with Team Rubicon to lay down the foundation of a classroom and build a new farm with solar panels. Team Rubicon’s director of development claims that PHG wasn’t just there for a photo-op like SOME royals (I’m looking at you, Prince George) and he didn’t pose with the wood for 30 seconds before dropping it to take a helicopter ride to the nearest big city to party with a bunch of drunken tricks. Apparently, he worked and slept there:
“It was very much hands on manual labour – sleeping, eating and working out there with the other vets. Getting very much stuck-in as one of the team.”
Slept there too?! Don’t be surprised if you hear a news story about how a psychotic skinny fat American gay was jailed in Nepal after the people of a small village caught him fucking one of their mattresses. Hey, if you don’t want me fucking your mattress, don’t tell me that PHG slept on it.
Here’s a couple more pictures of PHG doing hard labor as well as pictures of him with the team who will compete for the UK at the Invictus Games in Florida in May.
Bless the kind soul whose idea it was for Prince Hot Ginge to bend over while trying to do his best tiger impersonation during a visit to the Bardia National Park in Nepal. I’m going to choose to believe that they knew that a picture of PHG looking like he’s happily presenting his hole to that WWF dude is just what many of us needed on a really ugly Monday. Thank you, kind soul!
The other day, I was looking at pictures from the set of the Baywatch movie on Miami Beach, and my eyes landed on an image that was just as bizarre and unbelievable as seeing an alive Tupac and an alive Jimmy Hoffa hump each other on top of a real-life unicorn wearing original Reebok The Pumps. (Side note: I still curse the name of every asshole brat who made fun of me for wearing bootleg Rebook Pumps that my mom bought me at the swap meet for my birthday.) The image was of Zac Efron in a shirt (the pictures are in the gallery below). How? Why?
Zac is shooting a movie that mostly takes place on a beach and he plays a lifeguard, and there’s a scene where he wears a shirt? 2016 is really bending brains. First, Posh Beckham has freed her hooves of high heels and now Zac Efron is wearing shirts in movies? But all’s right again, because Zac brought out his turtle shell cum gutters and veiny peen arms while shooting a topless scene on Saturday.
Every time I see new pictures of Zac, he looks bigger and buffer and he’s got even more muscles on his body. I bet even his jizz fish have six packs. And in many of the pictures from Saturday, Zac looks like he’s suffering from stage 10 constipation and he probably is. Dude’s nalgas are probably so muscled-up and clenched that it’s impossible for him to caca.
And this Baywatch movie takes place in modern day, but Zac’s haircut could’ve fooled me. That haircut is very 90s coked-up club douche (aka A Night At The Roxbury) meets late-80s Eastern European gay porn star. What I’m saying is that Zac should keep that haircut because it is the look.