The Legend of Tarzan starring Nordic Vampire King Alexander Skarsgard and Margot Robbie cost $180 million and industry types have been saying that it’s probably going to flop harder than ASkars’ Swedish peen flops on my face in my wet dreams, but who cares?! We’re still getting an entire movie where ASkars runs around with his nipples and cum gutters out. They should just go ahead and edit out all the stuff nobody cares about (plot, dialogue and character development) and give is nothing but Tarzan running in slow motion while wearing a g-string loin cloth, which is eventually torn off during a fight with a tiger. And yes by “tiger” I mean another hot dude wearing cat ears.
USA Today says that this Tarzan movie isn’t like the usual Tarzan movies. This one takes place ten years after Tarzan leaves the jungle. Tarzan is living in Victorian-era London with his wife Jane. Tarzan and Jane go back to the jungle to save his home.
“It’s almost the opposite of the classic tale, where it’s about taming the beast,” says Skarsgård, 39. “This is about a man who’s holding back and slowly as you peel off the layers, he reverts back to a more animalistic state and lets that side of his personality out.”
I’m going to assume that “peel off the layers” means that Tarzan takes off those Old Navy khakis right away and gets naked. If that doesn’t happen, I’m going to sue ASkars for misrepresentation.
USA Today also posted a couple of pictures and this mess looks like a low-budget show on The CW that people only watch because it’s got topless dudes in it. In the picture below, they Photoshopped Joe ManJello’s arm on ASkars’ body and they both look like they’re thinking to themselves, “Shit, this is going to flop, isn’t it?”
I don’t care, though. I still can’t wait and I would throw money at the screen, but my hands are busy doing something else. Typing, you sucios, typing!
Okay, maybe just one comment: Bury me with this picture taped to my face, please.
Pics: Wenn.com (Thanks to everybody who gave me this tip!)
Sadly, a shirtless Charlie Hunnam isn’t in your “V” (if you’re a chick and in your “man V” if you’re a dude). But panty cream-summoner Charlie Hunnam is shirtless in a V Man photo shoot where he was done up like he’s starring in a sexy post-apocalyptic S&M remake of Braveheart. I know that red cross on his face is for English pride, but it’s the same red cross the coochie coroner will paint on your genitals when it passes out and dies after looking at that picture of him licking his thumb.
Charlie also said words to V. Specifically, he said words about Fifty Shades of Shit. Yes, people are still asking him questions about dodging that diarrhea bullet and yes, he’s still answering those questions. I guess if you were supposed to be on a ship that crashed into a rock and exploded, people would constantly ask you about it. So when I put it that way, it makes sense that people keep asking Charlie about why he dropped out of that disaster.
V Man brought up Charlie quitting Fifty Shades and I wish there was a video of his response, because it sounds like he gave the performance of his lifetime! Charlie dramatically told V Man that dropping out of that mess was the most “emotionally destructive and destructive thing” he’s ever had to do professionally. That’s funny, because I would think that actually making the movie would be the most “emotionally destructive and difficult thing” he’s ever had to do professionally. Charlie says that he cried for 20 minutes on the phone after breaking the news to Fifty Shades’ director Sam Taylor-Johnson. He was probably crying tears of joy and she was probably crying tears of sadness because she wouldn’t get to see his ass bouncing up and down live and in person.
Charlie says that contrary to some tricks’ belief, he didn’t quit Fifty Shades because of the sex scenes:
“The outside perception of that was that I got really cold feet and got scared of the explicit nature of the sexuality of the piece,” he says. As an example, he refers to a prior role in Showtime’s Queer as Folk, saying, “When I was 18 I was getting fucked in the ass, completely naked on national TV, you know?”
Oh, I know, Charlie. I know. I owned the DVD.
Pics: V Man/Tim Walker
Before I passed out while watching my nightly lullaby show (House Hunters International) last night, these pucker-inducing pictures dropped into my inbox several times and it opened up something in me and I just knew I was going to have wet dreams of climbing the sequined mountain of bewigged eleganza that is Alexander Skarsgard in drag. I wasn’t ready to learn that about myself.
ASkars’ new movie The Diary of a Teenage Girl, which also stars Kristen Wiig, Bel Powley and Christopher Meloni, had its premiere at the Castro Theater in San Francisco last night and the extra tall glass of Swedish leche gave everyone the faints when he sashayed onto the carpet while looking like a viking god’s lightning bolt in one of Dolly Parton’s old wigs. The Daily Mail says that Peaches Christ, one of the rulers of the San Francisco drag scene, is in the movie, so maybe ASkars transformed himself into Miss Ikea von ABBA as an homage to her? I don’t know. But I do know that I learned something new about myself while looking at these pictures. I learned that I’d totally fuck an HGH-taking Sandra Lee in bad Farrah Fawcett circa 1978 drag. I’d hit it until her eyelashes fell off and even then, I’d slap them back on and keep going.
And here’s ASkars serving up disco Swedish Fish last night. Honestly, it’s hard for me to judge his drag without seeing his tuck game…. and now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to fall back from picturing a dragged up ASkars with his Swedish sausage tucked between his nalgitas.
Liam Hemsworth and Luke Hemsworth showed up to the L.A. premiere of Vacation (aka that reboot where Marky Mark’s rubber dick from Boogie Nights makes its triumphant return on Thor’s crotch) yesterday to support their middle brother Chris Hemsworth. What’s the equivalent of Maury in Australia? Whatever it is, Luke should go on it, because I’d bet that he was the product of his mom’s affair with a miniature Mark Hamill impersonator.
If we played a game of Fuck/Marry/Kill with the Hemsworth brothers, it’d be easy for me. I’d fuck Luke Hemsworth. I’d marry Chris Hemsworth, because then I’d get sexing from him more than once. (“Ha, like married people fuck.” – you “Good point.” – you) And I wouldn’t have to kill Liam Hemsworth. He’d throw himself into a fire as soon as I flashed my b-hole at him.
Here’s more of the Hemsworth brothers last night. I guess Luke didn’t get the memo that they were all supposed to dress like Wall Street bankers unwinding at happy hour after a long day.
Well, well, well, it looks like Neville Longbottom (not to be confused with Tom Cruise’s Grindr name: NevilleShortBottom) from the Harry Potter movies performed the Makemehottes spell on himself. I was going to say he’s like that dude in junior high school who was a major awkward nerd and grew up to be a hot piece, but all the major awkward nerds in my junior high school grew up to be major awkward nerds. And yes by “all the major awkward nerds in my junior high school” I mean me.
Matthew Lewis, who is now 25 years old, is currently shooting some romantic drama called Me Before You with Emilia Clarke and he’s getting an early start on promoting it by posing in his underwear for a gay magazine. Matthew Lewis stripped down to his chonies, threw on an abuelo cardigan, worked his birthing hips and served up some “sleeping baby anteater” bulge in the UK’s Attitude Magazine. Matthew tells Attitude that he put some muscles on his body for the movie, because he plays an athlete or some shit. Since he plays an athlete, Matthew says he may wax off all that glorious body fur, because he needs to be as smooth as a snake’s anus.
“Apparently triathletes shave their legs for added aerodynamics, to buy you that extra couple of milliseconds. And my character, that is what he would do, so I think I’ll be losing the leg hair! I haven’t waxed before. I was quite keen just to shave every day but it was Emilia’s idea. She was like ‘no just wax it! Then you’ll only have to do it once!’ I was like ‘argh!’ I haven’t done it yet but we’ll see!”
If Matthew needs some extra cash he can always turn his waxed-off body fur into a rug and sell it on eBay. There’s a lot of horny hos out there who will gladly pay top dollar for a Matthew Lewis butt hair rug. But while many tricks are screaming, “Stick it in my chamber of secrets, Matthew,” at that picture, J.K. Rowling is not amused. She jokingly tweeted this today:
I’m with J.K. Rowling about DanRad in Equus. That was bad. I’m still salty over not seeing any peen.
Here’s Neville Longbottom on the cover of Attitude and also some pics of him at the London premiere of Tomorrowland a few days ago.
After that last depressing post, I figured a palate cleanser was needed and there’s no better palate cleanser than one that leaves chest and wigs hairs on your tongue.
Second City dug into their archives and pulled out this vintage clip from 1994 of a topless Steve Carrell getting blown Beyonce-style while wearing a Fabio wig. At around the 0:43 mark in the video below, Steve Carrell and his luxurious bear rug torso make an appearance and he serves up panty creaming seduction as Fabio while Stephen Colbert does his voice. Who knew that back then Steve Carrell was built like a beefy 70s gay porn star?
And yes, yes, I’d hit it, but only if he wore that 2 cent polyester Fabio wig and Stephen Colbert voiced his fuck moans.
Yesterday morning, Lake Michigan was filled with more shriveled-up dicks and frostbitten pussies than an orgy in an igloo when a bunch of brave bitches gladly froze their nipples off in the name of charity. The Chicago Tribune says that almost 5,000 people did the Polar Plunge into Lake Michigan in Chicago to raise money for the Special Olympics. They set a record yesterday by raising $1.5 million in just one day. Two of the people who risked pneumonia of the ass lips for charity were hot piece Taylor Kinney (no comment on his douchey back tattoo which belongs on the side of a van) and Lady Gaga who looked like Snow Miser in bad drag thanks to that frozen wig.
The Chicago Tribune said that the Special Olympics knew that Taylor, his Chicago Fire cast mates and Vince Vaughn were going to jump into that ice cold slushie, but they didn’t know that Lady CaCa was going to do it until minutes beforehand:
“She’s pure heart,” said Casey Hogan, president of Special Olympics Chicago and its fundraising arm Special Children’s Charities. “She came out for the cause — low-key, no press. It doesn’t get any better than that.”
The only reason to dip into icy waters is if it’s for charity, you’re getting paid thousands of dollars to do it, that necklace from Titanic is at the bottom or a topless Taylor Kinney grabs your hand and leads you into it. Below is video of the Polar Plunge. Keep a blow dryer nearby, because watching it may put icicles on your eyelashes.
All those people are cold, confused, wet and covered in ice…. Now they know how every baby who was pulled out of Nicole Kidman feels.
Oh, to be a paramedic in Chicago yesterday. As soon as Taylor Kinney came out of that icy lake, I’d grab his hand, push Gaga aside and tell him that his peen is in danger of catching hypothermia and I must save it by doing mouth-to-mouth while warming it up with my hands.
Pics: Getty, Splash/INF
Sexiest Man Alive Man With The Hardest-Hustling PR Team title holder was on The Tonight Show last night to pimp out that Michael Mann movie where he plays a hacker. Chris Hemsworth as a hacker makes TOO much sense. I mean, everyone knows that people who work behind a computer all day are buff as shit. I’m typing this while running on a treadmill while doing butt crunches and lifting 20 pound weights with each arm. I’m typing this with my nose. Anyway, I have no idea what Chris said about his movie or whatever, and who cares, really? If I want to know what the movie’s about, I’ll read the synopsis on IMDB. When an actor goes on a talk show to promote his movie, I want him to promote that movie by dancing in a white shirt while the host soaks him with a water soaker. That is how you sell a movie.
Jimmy Fallon and Thor played that stupid game where they throw glasses of water at each other’s face. The winner gets to wet the loser up with a water cannon. Usually, the only time I can get into watching two straight dudes bust wet loads on each other is when they’re starring in a Sean Cody scene, but I got into this. Thor lost the water tossing game, because this clip wouldn’t go viral if he didn’t. So Thor got out of his chair and delivered some sweet moves while Jimmy Fallon got him all wet. And as Thor got wet, so did the chonies of millions of Americans.
If you can’t look at a water cannon without thinking of that NOT RIGHT commercial, then this is the perfect palate cleanser for you. Every time you look at a water cannon, you can think of Thor dancing like a doofus while getting Flashdance wet.
Here’s Thor outside of Live! with Kelly & Michael yesterday morning.
I’m slightly pissed off at Prince Hot Ginge. If these pictures came out a couple of days ago, my title could’ve been: Christmas Has Come Early And So Have I. He’s so selfish sometimes. But seriously…
Because he has such a charitable soul and a giving heart, Britain’s hottest benefits scrounger spent his Christmas Eve Day getting sweaty while handling balls with a bunch of dudes (including Duchess Kate’s brother) in a charity match at THE QUEEN’S Sandringham Estate in Norfolk, England. This Christmas, I asked for some sweaty ball-handling time with PHG, but that isn’t going to happen. Maybe next year. But I did get the gift of these pictures of his belly button and his knees looking like he just finished giving a beej behind the bushes in a park at midnight after it rained. I’ll take it.
Merry Gingemas to us all!
Pics: AP, FameFlynet