It has been way too long since we’ve been blessed with Pamela Anderson’s profound poetry. She’s back and the good news is she’s still got it. The bad news is, it gets a little awkward due to the fact that her subject this time around is Julian Assange.
When Pamela Anderson feels strongly about something, she’s not afraid to let everyone know about it. Pamela Anderson is a vocal animal lover, anti-porn crusader, and now she’s speaking out about the dangers of (cue dramatic music)…RIDE SHARING APPS. Ride sharing companies like Uber and Lyft are right up there with padded bras and being married to Rick Salomon on the list of things Pamela Anderson doesn’t like.
Some People On Twitter Think That Pamela Anderson Is A Secret Assassin Who Poisoned Julian Assange With Vegan Food
Earlier I wrote about how Azealia Banks was kicked out of Russell Crowe’s hotel suite after allegedly acting a mess. And now I’m writing about how a few people on Twitter believe that Pamela Anderson murdered Julian Assange with a poisoned vegan sandwich. I fully expect my next post to be a truthful story about how Bat Boy recently butt birthed out the bat/alien baby he made with Benedict Cumberbatch, because today’s theme is: stories that read like they were ripped out of The Weekly World News.
All together now: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
2016 is not only showing us that it’s the worst year ever, it’s also showing us that it’s the year of redefining ridiculousness. Case in point: Canadian-American sex blossom Pamela Anderson has joined forces with “celebrity rabbi” Schmuley Boteach to write an op-ed piece for The Wall Street Journal about how watching porn is destroying lives! The only thing that porn is responsible for destroying in my life is a keyboard or two, but okay.
I know, Pamela Anderson shaming tricks for watching porn. What’s next? One of the Kartrashians is going to “write” an anti-ass implant op-ed piece for their pay site? John Travolta is going to do a PSA about the dangers of wearing wigs? We can all close our eyes until 2017 because we have seen it all (but I’ll open mine here and there to watch porn).
Pamela Anderson is an ageless all-natural beauty with a face that is completely immune to the laws of space and time. Take the picture above, for example. I don’t know how old that woman is, but it’s completely irrelevant. All that matters is that she looks like the kind of gorgeous expensive Persian cat that should be on packages of toilet paper and fancy cans of cat food. But according to Pamela Anderson, there was a time when she looked old, and it was when she was married to Rick Salomon.
Pammy spoke to W magazine to promote a short film called Connected, in which she plays a woman feeling insecure about aging. Pamela shot Connected shortly after she quit her messy marriage to Rick Salomon for the second time. Apparently being married to Rick Salomon really helped her get into character.
“I look back at pictures of myself when I was in this awful relationship, and I looked 20 years older. I know it sounds like a cliché, but happiness has a lot to do with beauty. Calm, peacefulness and not-constant stress are very, very important to feeling beautiful and confident. And that comes across whether you’re wearing makeup or not. I remember looking in the mirror during filming and saying, ‘Who is this person? How did I let myself get to this place?'”
I shudder to think that Pamela would ever believe she looked anything less than perfect, but she’s not exactly wrong about that whole “looking 20 years older” thing. Although it’s not really her fault. In almost every picture of Pam and Rick together, Rick is dressed like the 19-year-old manager of a E-Liquid store who got busted dealing fake Adderall and stealing vape pens. So of course Pam looks 20 years older by comparison.
Saint Laurent’s show at The Hollywood Palladium in L.A. was last night and I guess the invitation read: Come dressed as a strung-out performer in Florida’s Meth Circus. I’m also guessing that Justin Bieber and Lady CaCa were the only ones who followed that dress code because DAMN. Gaga looks like a drunk, clingy auntie who is trying to relive her glory days by wearing one of her favorite outfits from the 80s and Justin Bieber looks like her messy teen nephew who is impatiently waiting for her to pass out into a drunken coma so he can go into her purse and steal enough money to buy a baggy of the bad shit.
If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if Nancy Spungen played Susan in Desperately Seeking Susan, wonder no more. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder what it would look like if Harpo Marx played Riff Raff, Columbia AND Magenta in a community theater production of Rocky Horror Picture Show?“, you don’t have to ask yourself that question anymore. Lady Gaga answered both of those questions at the Saint Laurent show last night when she showed up in a sequined blazer that screamed, “affordable Michael Jackson impersonator,” makeup that screamed, “cracked out Casper the Friendly Ghost,” and a wig that looked like a pile of uncooked curly fries.
Gaga, Justin Bieber and his struggle stache managed to achieve the impossible, though. They managed to be the messiest messes at an event that Courtney Love was at. Because when Courtney Love showed up looking clean and hot, I doubt the door person said to her, “Um, no loitering! No loitering,” like they did with the Biebs and Gaga.
So Gaga and Justin Bieber should give themselves a slow clap for that.
And here’s a million more pictures from last night’s show including some of the hotness personified that is the Kravitz family and American-Canadian fresh drew drop Pamela Anderson with her son Brandon Lee who used an entire jar of hair grease to give you “Young Elvis.”