According to Sharon Osbourne, Ozzy Osbourne has a type. And that type is largely based on proximity and convenience. Sharon says that Ozzy has had six mistresses over the courses of their 35 year marriage and that he was super lazy about how he courted them. Only six? Sure, Jan.
Earlier today I wrote about Michelle Pugh, Ozzy Osbourne’s celebrity hairstylist side piece of four years, talking to People about her recently-ended affair with Ozzy. Michelle said she still dreams about Ozzy, and that he gave her the “greatest love” she’d ever known. Michelle even accepted Ozzy’s decision to leave Michelle and go back to Sharon Osbourne. All in all, it sounded like Michelle had nothing but love in her heart for that old mumbling bat biter. Michelle’s interview was completely devoid of cheater drama. Well, it turns out there is some major drama between Michelle Pugh and an Osbourne, just not the one she was carrying on a 4-year affair with.
Sorry, you’ll need to give me a moment. I need to brace myself for the mental image of Nosferatu’s drug-gobbling rock-hollering cousin Ozzy Osbourne giving it to someone so good that they go to People magazine and tell them about it. Michelle Pugh, the woman in the middle of Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne’s temporary split, recently spoke to People magazine about her time as Ozzy’s side piece. Before today, all I really knew about Michelle Pugh was that she’s a celebrity hairstylist who was humping on Sharon’s husband. Now I know that Michelle was really into letting 67-year-old Ozzy (deep shudder) bite the head off her bat, so to speak.
“Whassat ’bout a bump? Yeah, gimme one of them. Better make it a double cause I (inaudible mumble) fink I’d (inaudible mumble) hahahah….Shaaaraaaaaaan.”
A few weeks ago, sources were whispering that Sharon Osbourne’s heart was once again beating for her estranged cheater husband Ozzy Osbourne. It sounded like there was a chance that Sharon and Ozzy might not make their latest split a permanent thing after all. Until then, Ozzy hadn’t commented on the status of his relationship (he left that up to Kelly Osbourne, who informed everyone that her parents’ marriage wasn’t done). Ozzy’s finally talking about the latest drama between him and Sharon, and the drama’s over, everyone. Move along, nothing to see here.
A little over two months ago, news broke that Sharon Osbourne’s 34-year marriage was over for real this time after she allegedly caught Ozzy Osbourne cheating on her with her hairdresser. About a month later, Kelly Osbourne got involved by barking at Ozzy’s homewrecking hairdresser on Twitter, followed by denying that her parent’s marriage was in the trash.
Well, it looks like Kelly might be right. Not only are Sharon and Ozzy still together, but an insider (which I’m hoping is Sharon’s dog Rocky working hard for an extra Snausage) tells UsWeekly says that they’ve “fallen in love again.” Apparently Sharon and Ozzy’s marriage has been saved by couple’s therapy, and it’s all cartoon cupids and heart-shaped arrows now.
When Sharon talked about her split from Ozzy on The Talk back in May, she said that she couldn’t “keep living like this,” but she wasn’t sure if things were going to end in divorce either. I don’t know what the hell happened during those couple’s therapy sessions that would make someone go from not wanting to live “like this” with someone to skipping in slow-motion through a field of wildflowers with them. Maybe Sharon realized she just couldn’t live without the mumbled nonsense coming out of Ozzy’s ventriloquist dummy mouth. Maybe she couldn’t bear to think of opening the front door at the end of a long day and not seeing Ozzy there banging someone on the payroll. Who knows.
Here’s Sharon at an X Factor event on Saturday in London. She’s wearing a ring on “that finger“, but it doesn’t appear to be her wedding ring. My guess is that Ozzy has her wedding ring and is using it to size an apology ring (“What have you got in this size that says I love you and I’m sorry for banging my hairdresser?“). In between mugging for the cameras, she also cracked a smile. I’m sure that’s just a “happy to be not breaking up” smile on her face, and not the diabolical smirk of a stunt queen genius.
And in non-baby related news, let’s talk love lives. Messy ones. Why the hell would we talk about not messy ones? That’s not news. That’s your Aunt Jean and her “good friend” Ben. No. Today we’re checking back in with one of the great loves of our time. And your parents’ time. If you’ll remember correctly, because one of these people for sure as hell can’t, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne apparently split back in May. But Now Kelly Osbourne is saying that no, no, no, it’s all good and her parents are still together.
Back when this SCANDAL broke, source types said it was because Sharon had hard evidence that Ozzy was getting his pepaw peepee pawed at by some “home wrecking” slut. The woman in question, Michelle Pugh, is a hairdresser. Which brings us to the best part of this whole thing. The last time Kelly got involved in this totally real, not PR-smelling stunt for The Talk, she let Michelle Pugh have it on Twitter! We can at least thank her for making “chunky low-lights” part of everyone’s everyday lexicon. A few days ago, while speaking to The Insider (via Entertainment Tonight) at the Babes for Boobs event (which I’m hoping involves people dressed up as sexy, big tittied versions of Babe the pig), Kelly was asked how her parents were doing and she said this:
“My mom and dad are together right now! I will never not be good with my dad. That does not mean that I think what he did wasn’t f**king stupid, but that’s between him and I. I’m a daddy’s girl. I love my dad.”
I’m glad that she and Sharon have seemingly at least moved past something that Ozzy most likely doesn’t remember happening. I would assume that from all the drugs, alcohol and bat blood, not to mention his age, he can barely remember what he ate a few hours ago, let alone a maybe affair from almost two months ago. Good for them. True love wins!