About a month ago, Owen Wilson became a father for the third time when his on-and-off girlfriend Varunie Vongsvirates gave birth to a baby girl named Lyla Aranya. Owen found out he was the father after taking a paternity test. And it looks like a third-trimester paternity test is as close as he’s getting to his third child. A source tells UsWeekly that just because there’s a chance the baby’s first words will be “Oh wow“, doesn’t mean Owen wants much to do with it at the moment, if ever.
Owen Wilson shares a 7-year-old son named Robert with Jade Duell, and a 4-year-old son named Finn with Caroline Lindqvist. And now UsWeekly says Owen and a woman named Varunie Vongsvirates are the parents to a 6lbs., 13oz. baby girl that he discovered was his during a paternity test taken this summer. A paternity test is a good idea; you just can’t count on the old standard, which is Owen waiting for the baby’s birth and seeing if it has his nose.
Back in June, Varunie Instagrammed a sonogram picture of her and Owen’s baby with the caption: “Say hello to Lyla,” which would lead us to believe Owen’s third child is named Lyla. Varunie hasn’t posted anything since August, so it’s not known if she and Owen are still together. One thing is probably certain, and that’s that Owen will most likely keep in contact with Lyla (name pending) and her mom. A source previously told UsWeekly that Owen isn’t any kind of deadbeat daddy:
“Owen has been a great father to his two boys and has maintained a warm and close relationship with their mothers. Of course if a paternity test establishes that he is the father of another child, he will fulfill all of his obligations to support his child.”
Speaking of finances, those nurses probably had a bunch of bets going on the day the baby was born. Starting with how long it would take Owen to utter an emotional “Wow” when looking at his new baby.
No, that child is not Owen Wilson’s (that we know of). That’s the kid from Room. But Page Six says that the Butterscotch Stallion found out that one of his barebacking adventures have led to him having to write “child support” on the memo of another monthly check.
Owen has a 4-year-old son named Finn with personal trainer Caroline Lindqvist, and a 7-year-old son named Robert Ford with Jade Duell. In June, there was a story that a woman named Varunie Vongsvirates, who supposedly works for American Addiction Centers in L.A., let Owen know that one of his butterscotch-flavored dick pudding sperm fishes knocked her up. Owen agreed to take a paternity test to see if he’s the father, and the results declared that Owen IS the father. But if Maury Povich doesn’t announce that you ARE the father, are you really the father? Owen could use that defense in court if he wanted to.
It’s not really known if Varunie and Owen are together together. They were papped together in 2014, and last month, she posted a #tbt pic on Instagram of her and Owen at the premiere of Father Figures in 2017. On June 23, Varunie posted a picture of the unborn Butterscotch Pony, a girl, and said that she’s due in September.
Varunie also confirmed that Owen’s the father of her baby when somebody asked her on Instagram. She was papped this month at a park looking every kind of pregnant.
I can hear some of you screaming that the Butterscotch Stallion needs to help himself while helping out a fellow horse by investing in some Trojans, but why?! I’ve always said that you should let a bareback slut, be a bareback slut. Besides, by continuing to make babies with different women he doesn’t stay with, Owen Wilson is helping out the Department of Child Support Services. Owen is keeping jobs alive!
Some lucky laboratory (or a producer on The Maury Show) is about to receive a semen sample with an easy-breezy drawl, a golden shag of California sun-kissed hair, and a suspiciously familiar broke dick nose. Hell, they won’t even have to do the test. UsWeekly reports that Owen Wilson is making his jizz available to determine if he’s a father for the third time. Continue reading
Whenever I see the name “Evil DJ” I think it’s the nickname the cast of Full House called Candace Cameron behind her back. It probably was/is.
At the Zoolander 2 premiere in NYC last night, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell and Penelope Cruz walked the purple carpet in character. That was part of the premiere everyone there called the “This Is An Embarrassing Mess, Let’s Go To The Open Bar” portion of the night. Justin Theroux helped write Zoolander 2 and his character from the first one is in it, so he also hopped (or whatever you call what he’s doing) down the runway. It was some real “Um, you’re a millionaire and you’re married to a multi-multi-millionaire so you don’t need to do this crap for a check” shit.
Evil DJ always looks like Linda Perry circa 1994 if Linda Perry circa 1994 was styled by Kevin Federline using shit from Riff Raff’s closet. When I first saw these pictures, I wondered what in the hell happened to Jason Castro and then I wondered why in the hell do I remember Jason Castro.
And I hope they cover this look on Fashion Police, because I really to see Giuliana Rancic’s lollipop head shake and pop off while she tries to figure out what to say about his dreads.
And I don’t mean “hit it with splashes of holy water while running to the safe house.”
The trailer for Zoolander 2 came out today and it starts off as a comedy but then turns into a terrifying sci-fi horror show when Benedict Cumberbatch pops up on the screen looking like some kind of creature that slithered out of Snape’s asshole 9 months after that half-blood wizard had bareback fuck times with The Lizard from Spider-Man on the site of a toxic waste dump. If Kendall Jenner uses her family’s plastic surgeon, that’s what she’s going to look like without makeup in 10 years.
B. Cums plays an androgynous supermodel and I don’t even think they used any prosthetics or wigs or anything. B. Cums just shape-shifted into his natural alien lizard form and now we know that his natural alien lizard from looks a melting Tilda Swinton wax figure in low-budget Cher drag. B. Cums as a carved Pete Burns candle isn’t the only terrifying thing in the Zoolander 2 trailer. Kristen Wiig as Donatella Versace’s unremarkable anus is also pretty terrifying.
But B. Cums and Kristen aren’t even the scariest things in that trailer. The most horrifying thing is that they call Justin Bieber, whose death isn’t as perfect as his death in CSI, one of the most beautiful people in the world.
And to answer my headline question, yes, I probably would.