Whenever I see the name “Evil DJ” I think it’s the nickname the cast of Full House called Candace Cameron behind her back. It probably was/is.
At the Zoolander 2 premiere in NYC last night, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell and Penelope Cruz walked the purple carpet in character. That was part of the premiere everyone there called the “This Is An Embarrassing Mess, Let’s Go To The Open Bar” portion of the night. Justin Theroux helped write Zoolander 2 and his character from the first one is in it, so he also hopped (or whatever you call what he’s doing) down the runway. It was some real “Um, you’re a millionaire and you’re married to a multi-multi-millionaire so you don’t need to do this crap for a check” shit.
Evil DJ always looks like Linda Perry circa 1994 if Linda Perry circa 1994 was styled by Kevin Federline using shit from Riff Raff’s closet. When I first saw these pictures, I wondered what in the hell happened to Jason Castro and then I wondered why in the hell do I remember Jason Castro.
And I hope they cover this look on Fashion Police, because I really to see Giuliana Rancic’s lollipop head shake and pop off while she tries to figure out what to say about his dreads.
And I don’t mean “hit it with splashes of holy water while running to the safe house.”
The trailer for Zoolander 2 came out today and it starts off as a comedy but then turns into a terrifying sci-fi horror show when Benedict Cumberbatch pops up on the screen looking like some kind of creature that slithered out of Snape’s asshole 9 months after that half-blood wizard had bareback fuck times with The Lizard from Spider-Man on the site of a toxic waste dump. If Kendall Jenner uses her family’s plastic surgeon, that’s what she’s going to look like without makeup in 10 years.
B. Cums plays an androgynous supermodel and I don’t even think they used any prosthetics or wigs or anything. B. Cums just shape-shifted into his natural alien lizard form and now we know that his natural alien lizard from looks a melting Tilda Swinton wax figure in low-budget Cher drag. B. Cums as a carved Pete Burns candle isn’t the only terrifying thing in the Zoolander 2 trailer. Kristen Wiig as Donatella Versace’s unremarkable anus is also pretty terrifying.
But B. Cums and Kristen aren’t even the scariest things in that trailer. The most horrifying thing is that they call Justin Bieber, whose death isn’t as perfect as his death in CSI, one of the most beautiful people in the world.
And to answer my headline question, yes, I probably would.
That Hansel, still so hot. What? Don’t act like you don’t have a thing for dudes with busted-up dick noses. To announce that Zoolander 2 is a thing that is happening, Ben Stiller pulled out his best John Travolta for Shh…It’s a Wig! high-fashion hairpiece, locked his face into Blue Steel mode, and walked in Valentino’s FW15 show in Paris today as not-smart male model type Derek Zoolander. Joining him as he hustled those future box office dollars down the runway was Owen Wilson done up like Hansel if Hansel was a long-haired dad who drove his kids to school in his pajamas.
Since the hardcore pimping of Anchorman 2 is still fresh in my mind, I’m not sure how I feel about Zoolander and Hansel stunt queening around fashion week. My better judgement is throwing Ben Stiller a Magnum-level side eye, but the center of my brain for cells who can’t think good is screaming YAAASSSS while getting into a gasoline fight with my better judgement (whatever the hell that means). Regardless, it’s happening, and Anna Wintour seems happy about it:
At least I think that’s Anna’s version of happy? I’m not sure if she’s smiling because she’s a next-level Zoolander fan, or because she has poor vision and she thinks she’s standing in the middle of a Pimp Mama Kris and Kim Kardashian fame whore sandwich. Either way, I will count whatever that weird look on her face is as a smile and classify her emotion as ‘happy’.
The Butterscotch Slut strikes again! It feels like just yesterday Owen Wilson was busting a twangy nut into his piece-of-the-moment Jade Duell and then peace-ing the fuck out, and now – here we are almost exactly 3 years later – and it’s happening all over again! Frankly, I’m surprised he hasn’t barebacked his way to more babies; I almost got pregnant just from looking at his dick-nose (but there’s not enough room in my womb because my stomach is currently using it as storage).
Owen put his dick (you choose which one) into another woman, and E! says that this time the lucky lady is Owen’s personal trainer, Caroline Lindqvist. That’s gross, you two! The gym is nasty enough with sweaty assholes using the machines and not wiping them down after, but now I have to worry that the weight benches and yoga mats having fuck juices all over them too? Listen to me; talking like I’ve ever actually been to a gym (the Skittles on my desk just spelled out BITCH PLEASE).
Currently, we don’t know much about the baby except that Owen isn’t pursuing a relationship with the mother (which goes without saying, times a million) but all I care about is the baby’s name. Owen is from Texas and named his first baby Ford, so I hope he continues the tradition and keeps naming his kids after pickup trucks. This baby could be Dodge, the next one could be Chevy, then Sierra, Silverado, Ram, Durango, F-150, El Camino. Actually, El Camino is a hot name and sounds like it belongs to a future failed beauty queen and lead weather girl for an NBC affiliate station in Amarillo who stopped trying to hide the Taz tattoo on her left tit a loooong time ago (I think I just invented the classiest woman ever).
After I typed that headline, my brain queefed up the image of Tom Hiddleston as Tom Hiddleston giving it to Owen Wilson as Owen Wilson gives it Tom Hiddleston as Loki. I can fap to that.
During an interview with Popcorn Taxi, Tom was asked by an audience member to do an impersonation of Owen Wilson (Side note: Tom worked with Owen on Midnight in Paris) doing an impersonation of Loki, because why not? Tom’s Owen as Loki is kind of like a constipated Woody Allen talking with a peen in his mouth. In other words, he nailed it. Tom should watch out, though. He should never EVER do his Owen Wilson impersonation outside. Because if he does, a married personal trainer will mistake him for the real Owen Wilson and slap at him for missing a child support payment.
The Daily Mail reports that the Butterscotch Stallion has galloped away from the mother of his 5-month-old, because he still has more wild sows to oat (That’s how the saying goes right?) and he’d rather fill his feed bag with random vaginas than look at the same face every single morning.
A source says that Owen Wilson wanted to make it work with Jade Duell, but he also wanted to live like a single man slut. So he asked Jade if she would be open to letting him stick his crooked penis nose on the crotch of his side pieces as long as he came home every night to her and their son Robert Ford. Jade basically answered Owen with this. A source explained it like this:
“Owen wanted the freedom to do what he wanted with his friends, both male and female, while remaining a family unit with Jade and the baby. But Jade wasn’t willing to go along with that, so Owen decided to end things with her instead of cheating behind her back.”
If Vanilla Gorilla and Tiger Woods subscribed to Owen Wilson’s way of thinking, they wouldn’t be card carrying members of The Selfish Douchewhore Club and most of us wouldn’t have syphilis of the retinas from staring at Boobshit McGross in her tell-all interviews. Seriously, if VG broke up with Sandra Bullock before hailing his dick into any slut with a neck tattoo, Bombshell McGee’s 15 minutes would’ve never started. So we should send Owen a thank you basket of morning after pills for ending his relationship before whoring it up. Think of all the Rachel Uchitels he saved us from having to meet.