Mad Mel is back. Hollywood is no longer mad at the baked bag of rage for blaming all the world’s ills on the Jews (among other things) and he’s working the awards show circuit once again. And on top of being an Oscar nominee this year, Mel is a father again at the age of 61. And as Mel celebrates that, I’m sure his lawyers are holding an emergency meeting to tell their team that they better sign up for some CrossFit shit, take all their vitamins and gargle with herb water to prepare their vocal cords for non-stop screaming. Because in a few months, they’ll probably have to fight it out with Mad Mel’s latest baby mother in family court.
“And unto Earth there shall be an angel. An angel mostly made of silicone and prescription drugs. This angel shall be raised as the child bride of a loathsome toad wart and together they shall procreate and humanity will come to a close.” I’m sure you all remember that from the Good Book. It speaks of the pregnancy of Courtney Stodden. And now Courtney brings us more, umm, news on her upcoming parenting.
Courtney and her truck stop killer-looking captor, I mean husband, Doug Hutchison announced they were going to have a baby back in May. Courtney claims she is 8 weeks along and she’s keeping that press train going. She spoke to People about her predictions on her child’s sexuality:
If it’s a boy I am going to dress him up in tutus. I know I am going to spoil my baby rotten. I’m going to be a fun mom. I always say I am going to have a girl regardless, and if it’s a boy he’ll be gay!
I’m glad to see that pregnancy hasn’t affected her brain’s main function: getting attention. Yes, Courtney’s possible gayby will have her and Doug as parents, but at least he’ll have his mother’s good taste. We could be talking about the next Bobby Trendy!
And thanks to this People article, we have Michael K’s two favorite things in one place: an elegant rose and the phrase “over-the-moon“! Yes! Congratulations Michael K! Courtney said, “My husband has been my rock. He is over-the-moon excited! And he’s so connected to me that he’s basically having morning sickness.” Well, I too must be connected to Courtney because the thought of Doug procreating makes me throw up constantly.
Or, for those of you who don’t watch The Americans and whose tastes lean a little more to the “things to watch while wine buzzed” side of things, Felicity and Peter from Love and Other Disasters. Congratulations, you two! You now have a baby.
According to UsWeekly, Keri Russell had the baby that was made with her Americans co-star and maybe side piece-turned-legit piece Matthew Rhys. Keri kept pretty hush about being knocked up by the dude she might have left her husband of 7 years for, and she’s being hush about the baby’s birth too. UsWeekly says it happened last week, but other than that, we don’t know much else. We don’t have a name, or know whether Baby Russell-Rhys is a boy or a girl. Although it sounds like Keri and Matthew were able to provide GPS coordinates, because a source tells UsWeekly that their current location is somewhere over the moon.
“Keri and Matt both look overjoyed and are over the moon to be new parents. They are always snapping pictures of the baby, and family and friends have been sending gifts.”
The Daily Mail has some pictures of Keri and Matthew and a sling-snuggled newborn strolling around New York yesterday.
Keri and Matthew’s new baby joins Keri’s two children from her marriage to Shane Deary, an 8-year-old named River and a 4-year-old named Willa. On the scale of celebrity baby names, those are pretty normal. They sound like The Boxcar Children’s free-spirited hippie commune cousins. With that being said, I really hope Keri and Matthew complete the theme by naming their new baby something like Melody or Sky. They’re but one name and a wooden flute away from a future farmer’s market ambient music trio.
We’ll all remember where we were the moment we learned that Zooey Deschanel’s boyfriend was not, in fact, a charming come-to-life vintage scarecrow from an Etsy store called Wish & Sawdust. People says that after dating for about half a year, Zooey Deschanel and her producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik are expecting a baby. Zooey confirmed the news by embroidering the word BABY onto a handmade bunting made from 1950s aprons and tying it to a dozen pastel balloons, which she released into the air while playing “Be My Baby” by The Ronettes on a child’s ukelele. No! She just released this statement to People:
“Jacob and I are over the moon. We are so excited to meet our little one.”
You’d think that the moon wouldn’t be quirky enough for Zooey. Then again, she didn’t specify what moon she was over. “Jacob and I over Tethys, the third moon of Saturn. It’s cool, you probably haven’t heard of it.”
Zooey says she’s expecting some time this summer, which means we’re but 6 or so months away from some next-level whimsical fuckery in the baby name department. Of course Zooey could blow our minds and name the baby something like Jenny or Steve, but survey says it will probably be verrrrryyyyy precious. If it’s a girl, my guesses are: Sugar Ribbon, Eyelash Giggles, Bluebird Bicyclette, or Waffles. And if it’s a boy, my guesses are Skipper Jones, Jooey Canoe, Peter Pan, or Tooter. Or just the sound of Zooey singing Christmas songs.
So it begins… It was the Mayans who said (they didn’t say this) that in the year 2014, a human will mate with an alien lizard king visiting from another planet and months later she will give birth to an all-powerful baby who will take over the world and capture us all. They were right. Soon, we’re all going to be Cumberbtiches whether we like it or not.
Benedict Cumberbatch’s rep tells E! News that his fiancee of two months Sophie Hunter is carrying a cumberbaby in her womb. When asked for a comment, Oscar rival Eddie Redmayne said, “Oh yeah, oh yeah, well my WIFE is pregnant with quadruplets and we’ve already named them Oscarella, Oscarina, Oscartina and Oscarola.” Even though I’m obsessed with the Cumberbitches (does that mean I’m a Cumberbitchbitch?), I haven’t been to Tumblr yet, so I have no idea if it’s crumbled from the weight of 10,000 word posts written by his hardcore fans who think it’s sad that their God’s team is making him get engaged and make a baby just to win a trophy. Or maybe they haven’t written any posts like that, because they were too busy using their fingers to poke out their eyes after reading the worst thing they’ve ever read.
Here’s the statement from B. Cums’ rep:
“I am delighted to confirm that Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter are expecting their first child. They are both over the moon.”
Yes, they said “over the moon,” but it doesn’t bother me. They probably went over the moon literally while traveling to his home planet to share the happy news with his subjects.
In case you missed them, here’s pictures of Sophie’s “bump” at the Palm Springs International Film Festival over the weekend.
I watch Nashville every single week (surprisingly, that isn’t the most embarrassing thing I’ve admitted on this site) and it feels like for the past 100 episodes, Hayden Panettiere’s character has been having (NASHVILLE SPOILER ALERT) pregnant drama and crying out tears over her baby father, Luke & Laura’s son, not forgiving her for fucking Kate Hudson’s brother. So it feels like a baby has been growing in her body for years. It’s like she’s been on the Jessica Simpson schedule. But after being knocked up for forever (9 months to be exact), Hayden birthed out her first kid with future husband Wladimir Klitschko on Tuesday. In a birth announcement to People, Hayden and Wladimir announced their daughter’s name and told us what she weighed in at. They also made my nerves break by using “Over the moon.” Couldn’t they have switched shit up by saying that they’re “above Neptune” or something?
Daughter Kaya Klitschko weighed in at 7 lbs., 14 oz., and measured 20 inches.
“We are over the moon and madly in love!” the proud new parents tell PEOPLE.
Just when I was beginning to think that reading baby announcements was safe again, because we as a people have gotten over “over the moon,” Hayden and Wladimir remind me that it’s alive and well. But I won’t hold it against Hayden. You too would be flying over all of the planets and natural satellites if you mated with a giant and gave birth to an average-sized kid. Because ancient folklore says that when a forest gnome makes a baby with a giant, her spine breaks and her little body is ripped in two during birth. So she’s probably really happy that didn’t happen.
Congratulations to Little Sprout and the Jolly Ukrainian Giant! I like the name Kaya Klitschko, because it sounds like the name of a badass Bond girl and it also tells me that Hayden and Wladimir must be big fans of scripted MTV shows that lasted one season.