For being about as bland as a dried out water chestnut lying on a bed of wilted iceberg lettuce, Blake NotSoLively knows how to bring the controversy!
Fresh off from mouth dribbling out more heave-inducing words of praise for feminist worm dingle Woody Allen, Blake pissed people off again last night. Blake wore one of Miss Delaware 1989’s rejected gowns to the Cafe Society premiere at Cannes last week, but since everything about her is slow, just got around to posting pictures of it on Instagram. People didn’t get mad over the fact that it looks like Blake stole a dress from Vanna White and wore it worse. Blake’s caption is what really brought out the torches out. “Ah do declare, just thinking of the blazing light illuminating off of the torches of the gentlemen as they take their nightly walk in white robes takes my breath away,” said Beige O’Hara.
The most offensive part of this screen shot of Blake’s caption is that it reveals I follow her on Instagram. Now here’s my scandal:
Some didn’t understand Blake’s caption and some were offended. Jezebel wrote this about Blake’s “Oh, my, god, Becky, look at her butt” moment: “In the end, it touts a diametrical opposition: that Los Angeles can be equated to elegance and/or beauty (read: whiteness), and that Oakland is its foil (read: blackness).”
Meanwhile, as some tricks scratched their heads over what Blake’s caption meant, I scratched at the grey pube sprouting out of my wrinkled and geriatric crotch. Because I, being an old, immediately knew that line came from the mind of esteemed 90s philosopher and THE QUEEN’s most cherished knighthood recipient Sir Mix-A-Lot. Doesn’t everybody know every line to “Baby Got Back,” because didn’t everyone’s mom drunk dance to it at a wedding? Or maybe Blake wasn’t quoting Sir Mix-A-Lot. Maybe what she meant is that her face was crafted with a Los Angeles plastic surgeon’s scalpel and her ass implants were stuffed into her nalgas by a plastic surgeon in Oakland.
And really, the only way to make everyone forget about this is for Ryan Reynolds to post a fully hard nude pic on Twitter with the caption: “My anaconda….”
The View is really back! It’s been only six seconds from their season premiere and they’ve already managed to cause a shit load of OUTRAGE and a boycott was called. On the patio of her Florida mansion, Barbara Walters cooed out, “Now that’s the show I created and love,” right before she continued to live that retiree life by doing a Metamucil and vodka shot off of her pool boy’s shaved crotch.
It all started the morning after the Miss America pageant when Michelle Collins brought up the monologue about being a nurse that Miss Colorado gave during the talent show section. They showed a clip of Miss Colorado delivering the monologue while wearing her nurse uniform. Joy watched the clip and piped in with, “Why does she have a doctor’s stethoscope around her neck?” And with that, the #nursesmatter hash tag was born, a thousand hate letters from nurses were launched and people I didn’t even know are nurses dragged The View tricks by the hair on Facebook.
Emily SmokeABlunt is married to an American, her kid is American and she lives in America, so she decided to become an American citizen. Even though Emily is an (in the voice of Laura Jeanne Poon) AMERICAN CITIZEN now, she hasn’t lost her British sense of humor, which is drier than the chapped b-holes of the Fox & Friends hosts who didn’t like her joke about the Republican presidential debate, among other things.
On Father’s Day, stale flax seed and lavender breadstick Blake NotSoLively threw up this picture on Instagram of her husband Ryan Reynolds and their 6-month-old baby daughter James with the caption: “Happy Fathers Day!!! … @vancityreynolds Since the day our baby was born, I’ve felt so strongly in my heart that you were most likely the father.” Insert “nervous laugh from Ben Affleck” here.
Some people weren’t laughing at Blake NotSoLively’s joke, because they were too busy screaming their tonsils off for the policía, the FBI, Obama, Child Protective Services, Mary Poppins and Mama Rabbit over the way Baby James is sitting in that baby backpack thing. When I see that picture, I see baby feet hanging out of a baby backpack thing. But when mad moms see that picture, they practically see Ryan Reynolds dangling his baby over a river full of blood-thirsty, hungry great white sharks. I know that great white sharks don’t live in rivers, but mad moms aren’t thinking clearly, because the veins in their brains are pumped full of boiling outrage.
When most of us want to feel opulent, decadent and carefree with our money, we pour some Andre into a plastic kiddie pool in the backyard. (Although, none of us do that, because why waste the sparkling piss of the Gods that is Andre?) But when Beyonce wants to feel opulent, decadent and carefree with her and Jay Z’s billion dollar fortune, she pours almost half of the national average salary into a hot tub during a video shoot. Maybe!
The fingers of Twitter did their daily Riverdance of rage on keyboards yesterday when someone pointed out that it looks like Beyonce is pouring a bottle of Armand de Brignac (aka Ace of Spades) into a hot tub in her and Nicki Minaj’s video for “Feeling Myself.” E! News says that a bottle of Armand de Brignac ranges from $300 a bottle to It Doesn’t Even Fucking Matter Because None Of Us Can Afford That Shit Anyway. One Twitterer believes that the exact bottle that Beyonce is holding costs between $10,000 and $20,000. “Bathing in it? How utterly provincial!” said Oprah while shitting into a diamond-encrusted platinum toilet filled with Ace of Spades.
As E! points out, Beyonce most likely got that shit for free since Jay Z owns Ace of Spades. So basically, this is free advertising for Jay Z’s overpriced booze and I’m falling for it. Dammit.
There’s a chance that Beyonce’s not even pouring out champagne. She could be pouring out water or the tears she collected from Jay Z’s ducts as he cried while reading Tidal’s monthly revenue report. If someone tracks down the actual location of that hot tub, I’m willing to investigate so we’ll know if we should be OUTRAGED!!! or not. And by “investigate” I mean stick a giant straw into that hot tub and suck everything up, because I’m a freegan when it comes to booze and it hurts me to see one drop of the sweet nectar go to waste. But you know, I’m sure the Beyhive already beat me to it. That hot tub is probably empty, because the Beyhive drank up all that dirty water since their God marinated in it for a minute.
IMPORTANT UPDATE TO THIS IMPORTANT STORY: Defamer says that the bottle Beyonce poured into that hot tub was probably only $300. All this talk about champagne is making me thirsty. If I only I kept a bottle of the finest champagne (read: Korbel) in my temperature controlled wine cellar (read: my refrigerator).