Diseases are getting dragged this week. First, Hanson compared Chlamydia to Justin Bieber’s voice, and now Lorde is saying that being friends with Taylor Swift is like being friends with someone with an autoimmune disease. Hanson has yet to burp up a sorry for shitting on Chlamydia like that, but Lorde has apologized, and probably because she realized that someone with a disease like Lupus already has enough to deal with and they don’t need to be compared to the exhaustive snake in Skipper’s clothing.
Jaden Smith Accused The Four Seasons Hotel In Toronto Of Spiking His Pancakes With Death-Killing Cheese
When The Four Seasons hotel in Toronto, Ontario saw that Jaden Smith was booked into their fine establishment for a stay, you would think they would have rolled out the cosmic glitter carpet and made all his entitled rich kid dreams come true. They didn’t. According to Jaden Smith, they actually made things purposely shitty for him.
Brandi Glanville is a like a blonde jack-in-the-box who just can’t stop popping up with dumbshit stunts every couple of months. Friday night the former Real Housewives of Beverly Hills hustler got her name back in the papers by popping a low-down squat over a statue of Sweet Baby J in a nativity scene. She posted the photo (seen above) on social media with the caption, “Never forget the reason for the season.”
You’ll probably recall that Brandi has gotten herself into trouble before with her teen-level trolling. Almost a year ago, fellow housewife Joanna Krupa slapped a lawsuit at Brandi for implying that her coot was less than fresh. Then in June, Bravo gave the Glanvillain an official demotion because even though they’re in the business of contrived friendships and their various cat fights, Brandi was just not likeable enough. And we don’t need to even get into her diaper rash of a love life.
Supposedly the photo is showing Brandi pretending to give birth, or she’s sitting on Baby J’s face. I don’t know….
As you can imagine, a ton of people were not showing up for her joke and plenty of them were OUTRAGED and shouting “sacrilege!” at her and her unfortunate root situation. The Daily Mail reports that she has deleted the post from Instagram, but not from Facebook. What she needs to do is delete her internet service. Someone please just give Brandi one of those fake smart phones for babies this Christmas. She’ll never know the difference.
Pic: Facebook via TMZ
Two-time Olympic gold medal-winning soccer player (and many-time gold medal-winning wreck) Hope Solo is now in Rio playing with the U.S. Women’s National Team, and before she flew off to South America to become Brazil’s latest threat, she tweeted a pic of all the bug spray she planned on packing and posted the picture above on Instagram of preparing to battle Zika-infested mosquitos. Hope added the caption: “Not sharing this!!! Get your own! #zikaproof #RoadToRio” What’s funny is that if you threw a helmet onto that get-up, that’s what I’d wear to one of Hope Solo’s family parties. I wouldn’t forget that bug repellent either, because I’d need something to spray her with as she drunkenly attacks me.
Many Brazilian soccer fans didn’t find Hope’s picture funny and they let her know with a tornado of boos during a match yesterday. You know you’ve really pissed a Brazilian off when they tell you to PLEASE LEAVE BRAZIL.
“Hmmm….something in the milk is POISON!” – that dog, who obviously knows what’s up and knows that Prince George cannot be trusted!
The heir to the British throne turns 3 years old today, and so Kensington Palace celebrated by gifting the eyes of his loyal subjects with cute pictures they tweeted. But well, behind one of those pictures is darkness and cruelty. Some look at the picture of Prince George and Lupo Middleton Mountbatten-Windsor above and say to themselves, “Awww, look at the widdle prince giving a widdle ice cweam to the widdle doggy.” But others look at that picture and see attempted pooch murder!
The Guardian says that that a few messes on Twitter are jokingly (I hope) calling for Prince George to be imprisoned for animal cruelty. Prince George is supposedly offering his doggy-in-waiting a taste of a white chocolate ice cream bar. Chocolate is to dogs what an Iggy Azalea song is to ears. It’s painful poison. Some dogs are also hit with a case of dogarrhea when they eat diary. That picture is so serious that the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals released this statement about it:
“It is lovely that Prince George is trying to help keep his family dog, Lupo, cool in these high temperatures. We would advise people to be cautious when giving their dogs food meant for human consumption as some items, like chocolate, can be highly toxic to dogs and dairy items can be difficult for them to digest.
Instead of ice-cream we would suggest making an ice lolly from pet-friendly ingredients. Making these can be really fun for children and the end product is both safe and enjoyable for dogs.”
Prince George has yet to respond to this himself because he’s only 3 and doesn’t understand all those words. Or because he’s busy instructing his staff to set up a white chocolate ice cream stand in a dog park. Yeah, that’s probably it.
And here’s more pictures of the miniature Christopher Robin busting out J. Crew Kids catalog poses while wearing “bargain birthday outfits” (FYI: People considers a $36 toddler t-shirt a bargain.) in his birthday pictures, as well as pictures from earlier this month of Prince George waving at his haters before taking his flying royal chariot up in the air to survey his land.
There will be some of you who think this is a picture of Serena Williams at Wimbledon. Others who have no idea what tennis is might think it’s a picture of a lady in a white turtleneck dress holding an invisible Shake Weight. But for some people on the internet, all they see is nipples. NIPPLES! So many nipples! Shield your eyes! Get the kids out of the room! NSFW!!!
According to The Daily Mail, some people watching Serena’s recent semi-finals match at home were having a really difficult time because their eyes kept getting distracted by Serena’s nipples. I’m sure this is where you’re wondering “Distracting, how?” Like, were they yelling shit out on the court? Were they constantly winking at the ball boy? Were they Snapchatting every play and using the doggy face filter on the ref? No. They were just there, in high definition on people’s televisions. And it got them so upset, they took to Twitter to complain. “Should I fill them in on the irony of complaining about nipples on a platform in which the mascot belongs to a species that includes the Booby and the Tit?” thought the Twitter bird.
The Daily Mail has compiled a collection of tweets about Serena Williams’ nipples, and in their words, people are “outraged.” But they’re pretty much what you’d expect from online Nipple Haters. Stuff like “Pls put them away” and “Serena Williams’ nipples are literally in HD.” Yes, believe it, that last one was a complaint.
In case you care more about Serena Williams than her nipples, she recently advanced to the finals. If she wins, it will be her sixth Wimbledon win.
To paraphrase Tommy Lee Jones, I cannot sanction this buffoonery. Nipples are like built-in flare; they have the ability to bring a certain je ne sais quoi to any ensemble. But what if you don’t want your nipples out there? Too damn bad, nipples are unpredictable! If a nipple wants to pop out and say “haaaay!” to everyone, they’re going to do it and no amount of fabric will stop them. Nipples are the no-fucks-given grandma of the human body. You can’t fight them, they’re going to do whatever they want!