Princess Beatrice stole the show, fashion-wise, at Duchess Kate and Prince William’s wedding back in 2011 when she showed up wearing a hat that looked like one of The Queen’s more decorative toilet seat covers. There must be something in Bea’s DNA that inspires some truly wonky formal hat choices. Because Fergie did not disappoint in the hat department on the wedding day of her daughter Princess Eugenie today.
The Royal Family is just like us! Well, one is anyway. Some of us (cough) are so obsessed with the royals that we’ll still be getting up early on Friday to tune into a non-BBC channel for the T.J. Maxx Royal Wedding, er, the nuptials of Princess Eugenie and her cousin (distant cousin…but still) Jack Brooksbank. Duchess Camilla will be doing the same thing since her ass isn’t even going to the wedding! While I was hoping it was because she was petty and had the BBC’s rules of “Prince Charles offspring only” for worthy royal weddings, but I guess she has a busy day of shaking hands ahead of her.
True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!
Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.
Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.
The British royal wedding of the century is still over two months away, but I guess the royals are not like my cousin who called me two hours before her courthouse wedding to say, “Bitch, I’m getting married at the courthouse in two hours, do you want to come or what?” Because they’re getting ready to send out invitations, and one of those invitations might not end up in The Original Fergie’s mailbox.
One British tabloid source says that The Original Fergie (seen above next to a dead turkey who crashed into a plate charger on her daughter Princess Bea’s head) was banned by Prince Hot Ginge from attending his wedding. Another British tabloid source says that PHG fought to invite his fellow ginger and won. What is the truth?!
The name “Princess Eugenie” might cause your brain to queef up a stream of questions marks, but I know who she is, because she’s the daughter of The Original Fergie (my fourth favorite British royal after Prince Hot Ginge, THE QUEEN and Susan the Corgi) and the sister of Princess Beatrice (my fifth favorite British royal after Prince Hot Ginge, THE QUEEN, Susan the Corgi and The Original Fergie). Princess Eugenie is also the one who brought some “ugly stepsisters” glamour to Duchess Kate and Prince William’s wedding by wearing a blue bedpan on her head. And now she’s getting some attention today for announcing that she’s engaged.
Just in case you’re keeping track, the Original Fergie is still doing shit that makes the Queen want to slip off her sensible heel and smack the Duchess of Fuck Ups in the mouth with it. The Queen is saving the other shoe for Prince Andrew’s mouth, because he’s part of this latest mess too.
Fergie let out a giant public apology via The Daily Telegraph today for accepting $24,000 from convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein (The Frankenstein’s creature with a polyester platinum wig on his head in the picture above. I won’t believe that patch of silver came from the same field as Anderson Cooper’s!). Epstein spent 13 months in the chokey for getting with an underage hooker.
Just like her dignity levels, Fergie’s checking account is always empty so she used the money to pay off some debts. Even though the money smelled like old jizz and baby powder, Fergie still had no idea it came from Epstein. Fergie got the money from Prince Andrew who vacationed with Jeffrey Epstein. Prince Andrew has yet to say shit about this. But here’s some of Fergie’s apology:
“I personally, on behalf of myself, deeply regret that Jeffrey Epstein became involved in any way with me. I abhor paedophilia and any sexual abuse of children and know that this was a gigantic error of judgment on my behalf.
I am just so contrite I cannot say. Whenever I can I will repay the money and will have nothing ever to do with Jeffrey Epstein ever again.”
Fergie is officially THAT RELATIVE who borrows money from you and then uses the “I’ll pay you back when I can” line even though everyone involved knows that’s never going to happen. “When I can” = Never, bitch, so tell your checking account not to miss it.
That bitch will show up to your family reunion in a brand new jacket from Wilsons Leather and $500 rims on their busted ass Oldsmobile. When they feel your glare on their skin, they say some bullshit like, “Oh, it was a gift. Oh, I won it at the office party.”
But Fergie shouldn’t pay that money back. You know what Epstein’s going to spend it on, so she should just wear her new Wilsons jacket around him like she just don’t give a fuck.