Lord knows there’s a lot of scammers out there and Oprah Winfrey is the biggest of them all. She got us out here wearing Uggs, watching Dr. Phil and reading The Secret. Oprah’s probably scammed more people into buying stupid crap than Bernie Madoff, Charles Ponzi and all the princes of Nigeria combined. But most of Oprah’s scams are on the up and up. If you really want to waste your money on Wisdom of Sundays: Life-Changing Insights from Super Soul Conversations by Oprah Winfrey, you’ve only got yourself to blame.
When I heard Jennifer Lawrence got invited up to Oprah Winfrey’s Montecito lair for lunch in October, I felt bad for anything in the vicinity since, between JLaw’s fart jokes and Oprah’s name-dropping, who could get a word in edgewise?! The lunch spawned an interview and, clutch your pearls, Jennifer didn’t even try that hard to sound pretentious around Mama O. Continue reading
It’s 2017. Donald Trump is our president, Antonio Sabato Jr. is running for Congress, and Kid Rock could make it to the Senate. Hell, at this point, Kirk Cameron should just get appointed as Secretary of Defense, and every insufferable F-list white dude will be in Washington! But look into your Democratic Party crystal ball for 2020, and you might find Oprah. Continue reading
If you looked out your window today and saw a bunch of lighting bolts shooting down from the heavens, that was from God striking bitches down for having the audacity to correct Oprah!
The Mighty O sent one of her minions (Gayle King) out into her garden to pick something fresh for her to pose with, and after another minion (Gayle King again) took a picture of her with her harvest, she posted it onto Instagram with the caption: “What to do with all this Dill?#HarvestDay.” The only herb I really have in my house right now is the good shit and even I know that’s not dill. Some brave and bold souls let The Mighty O know that she was wrong and one of them was Jamie Oliver who earned a million YouInDangerGirl.GIFs by daring to school thee Oprah! via The Cut
Two things are probably going to happen. 1. In the near future, Oprah will throw a dinner party and serve her guests roasted, slow-fried, finely sliced Oliver meat with olive oil, salt and pepper. And 2. The next time you go to the grocery store, fennel will be labeled as “dill.” Yes, fennel is dill now. The Mighty O has ruled.
Mo’Nique may be an Oscar winner, but her most prized trophy is probably the lifetime achievement award she got from the Don’t Give A Fuck Society. If Lee Daniels ever does a sequel to Precious called Precious II: Preciouser, Oprah will probably be the one wearing a tracksuit as Mary, because Mo’Nique blew up that bridge and buried its ashes in a grave at the bottom of the ocean. Mo’Nique’s jaw bone must be a next-level kind of strong, because she worked it out while going off on how Lee Daniels told her that she wasn’t getting good roles after winning the Oscar for Precious because she was blackballed for being difficult to work with. Mo’Nique says she was supposed to play Cookie in Lee Daniels’ Empire and the role that Oprah played in The Butler was originally hers.
Lee also supposedly told Mo’Nique that she didn’t play the game. He also pretty much confirmed to The Hollywood Reporter in 2015 that he’s fucking done with Mo’Nique professionally. But Mo’Nique isn’t done calling him out and this weekend, she also dragged Oprah and Tyler Perry into it. I raise my hands and praise any David who goes up against one Goliath (let alone three), but even I’m dropping my arms so that I can use one hand to cup Mo’Nique ear and say, “Err, I don’t know if you want to find yourself acting alongside Mr. Fluffy in a kitty litter commercial.”
Since The Mighty O has a legion of devoted followers and she has the power to bring down industries, she’s been asked about running for President of the United States and she’s always waved that thought away and said, “not in this lifetime.” But Oprah is now looking at the Oval Office like, “hmmm,” since the current POTUS has less government experience than a 4th grade student council secretary.