Back when the Kartrashians didn’t totally look like 80 pounds of silicone and butt jelly in a 40 pound Balmain bag, Oprah interviewed them and claims she saw first-hand how much “hard work” it takes to look and be that fake. While Rebel Wilson and Uncle Tim Gunn are publicly saying that the Kartrashians are about as useless as a dildo made of sand, Oprah is guzzling down Pimp Mama Kris’ home brewed Kool-Aid (made of the tears of Kartrashian men and Lucifer’s jizz) and is defending them.
When Oprah was on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert a couple of weeks ago, a dude “ambushed” her and told her he was her son while she was signing autographs outside of the theater. (The Daily Mail has pictures of that if you want to see it.) Oprah probably hears that a lot. I mean, if I ever see her in public, I’m going to run up to her while screaming, “Auntie O, it’s my birthday,” hoping that she’d hug me before giving me a stack of money as a present. But the guy who ambushed her is someone she knows and tried to help decades ago.
Danny Pintauro, aka Jonathan Bower from “Who’s The Boss?“, recently sat down with Lindsay Lohan’s former best friend Oprah for an episode of Oprah: Where Are They Now? (via People). Danny had two pretty big updates regarding his life: Danny admitted to Oprah that he’s been HIV positive for the past 12 years, and that he used to be really into crystal meth. Crystal meth? Jonathan, no! What would Tony say??
In a Rolling Stones profile for the 10th anniversary of her first album Arular, M.I.A. goes off and spills what I’m sure is 100% truthfulness about her ex-boyfriend Diplo and God’s supervisor Oprah.
M.I.A. and Diplo bumped nipples full-time for 5 years and she says that his b-hole started dripping with jealousy when she got signed to Interscope. Diplo shit on her for going “mainstream” and called her a sell out for doing magazine photo shoots and for working with famous people. She claims that the more successful she got, the more Diplo put her down and now she thinks he was just jealous and couldn’t wait to become famous himself. (Makes sense since he’s allegedly been all over Katy Perry and Taylor Swift.) Diplo recently Instagrammed a picture of himself with M.I.A., so I guess his ass isn’t sore from her slapping at him.
But one person who probably isn’t going to Instagram a picture of herself and M.I.A. anytime soon is The Mighty O! M.I.A. says that in the above picture taken at Time’s Most Influential People of 2009 party, Oprah is holding back from chewing her a new asshole. M.I.A. claims that she asked Oprah to draw awareness to the shit going on in Sri Lanka, but The Mighty O told her to fuck off. This is 100% real and it happened exactly the way M.I.A. said it happened:
In 2009, Time nominated me for one of the most influential people of the 21st century or something and I met Oprah at that party. And I was like, “Hey, people are gonna fucking die in my country. Like, please pay attention.” And she was like, “You’re shit because you were rude to Lady Gaga and I’m not talking to you. And I’m gonna interview Tom Cruise jumping on my sofa, so fuck off.”
Yeah, she didn’t talk to me. She shut me down. She took that photo of me, but she was just like, “I can’t talk to you because you’re crazy and you’re a terrorist.” And I’m like, “I’m not. I’m a Tamil and there are people dying in my country and you have to like look at it because you’re fucking Oprah and every American told me you’re going to save the world.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA. The Tommy couch jumping thing happened in 2005, so either M.I.A. made that up or she and Oprah temporarily time traveled back to 2005 during that fight. I don’t know what’s more unbelievable: Oprah telling someone to fuck off and calling them a terrorist while there’s cameras around or Oprah being a Little Monster. Or all of the above. Oprah doesn’t need to curse anyone out if she wants them to leave her alone. She just needs to snap her fingers and a bolt of lighting will turn you to dust and rid you from her sight. And something tells me M.I.A. will be for real M.I.A. when Oprah finds out that she tried to shit all over her pristine image.
When last year’s award season sweetheart (after the Texas T-Rex, of course) Jared Leto won the Independent Spirit Award for Best Supporting Actor for The Dallas Buyers Club, he spent a million minutes thanking every single person who ever lived from Steve Jobs to Mozart to Kurt Cobain to the billion people on Earth to James Gandolfini’s kids to the makers of vegan butter to the inventor of the zipper to his future ex-wife Lupita Nyong’o, etc.. etc… Bitch wasn’t done. At yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, CA, Jared Leto handed out the award for Best Supporting Actor and before J.K. Simmons’ name slipped out of his delicate lips, he mouth queefed out more people and animals he forgot to thank. And he did it whilewearing a blazer I swear Linda Dano wore on Another World at least once. As your ass can tell from the video from The Hollywood Reporter above, Jared thanked the frog he viciously murdered and Richard Simmons. Take out the frog-killing shit and switch out Poquito Mas for Del Taco and this would pretty much read like my acceptance speech if I won anything.
“That frog that I accidentally squeezed to death in second grade, thank you for teaching me how short life truly can be. Richard Simmons, my flexibility, endurance and uncanny fashion sense. All of my homies at Poquito Mas on Ventura Boulevard. And last but not least my grandmother for beating me senseless with a fly swatter, teaching me that you can’t get away with everything that you think you can. Respect your elders unless you want a can of whoop-ass.”
And a little later on last night, a wet piece of shit fell on Jared Leto’s head and he probably thought Linda Dano threw it at him for wearing her favorite blazer. But nope, it was the frog he murdered shitting on him from heaven for using its tragic death for laughs. This little speech might’ve made you roll your eyes out of their sockets, but I do appreciate him paying homage to the bedazzled dandelion Richard Simmons and NOT THE ONE abuelitas. However, I still can’t believe Jared hasn’t thanked the one person he needs to thank: Rickie Vasquez. Every speech where Jared Leto doesn’t thank Rickie Vasquez is a speech nobody needs to hear.
To see all the winners from yesterday, click here. Below are approximately ten thousand pictures of everyone who was at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday. You might want to put on some industrial-strength goggles before getting to Oprah’s picture, because her mighty chichis will punch your eyeballs if you don’t protect them.
That interview with Oprah where child star turned trained Segway pilot Raven-Symoné yanks out Lindsay Lohan’s weave aired last night and not only did she yank out Lindsay Lohan’s weave, but she also yanked out all of the “labels” that have been put on her.
When DOMA was overturned last year, Raven tweeted “I can finally get married! Yay government!” and most of us took that to mean she was publicly coming out as a proud 100% gayelle, but on Oprah: Where Are They Now (via Gawker) last night, she told The Mighty O that if she had a label stitched to the top of her back it would not say 100% Lesbian and 100% African-American. Raven, whose girlfriend is AzMarie from America’s Next Top Model, refuses to label herself as gay or an African-American. Raven is an American human, thankyouverymuch!
Hold on – why is there blonde hair behind Oprah’s back??? Is someone hiding behind her? Oh wait, it’s probably just White Oprah mining her pockets for cash while her daughter distracts her. “I already told you, if you need some more wine-money, just ask me for a second season of Lindsay!” – Oprah.
Speaking of a second season Lindsay, the biggest little train-wreck on television this side of a True Tori marathon, Lindsay Lohan believes there will be a second season. Oprah flew to London to watch the Apricot Ashtray’s performance Speed-The-Plow on Saturday, and Lindsay made sure to Instagram a picture of it as proof (apparently Lupita Nyong’o was there as well, but did take a picture with Linds, probably because she’s still recovering from the last time she met a crazy-eyed red-haired smoky-voiced attention-starved creature).
But maybe Oprah wasn’t there just to watch Lindsay maybe fuck up her lines or break the fourth wall and ask the audience if she could borrow $300. Lindsay recently told Marie Claire UK (via Celebitchy) that she and Oprah are BFBFs (best friends in bankrolled fuckery) once again and that they begin filming on the second season of Lindsay in January. Oh, and also that they might be going to Africa together.
Oprah Winfrey will play Richard Pryor’s whorehouse madam grandma in The Butler director Lee Daniels’ upcoming biopic of the legendary comedian. There was already a sorta Pryor biopic that Richard himself was involved in and it had the best title I’ve ever heard – JoJo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling. Lee and Oprah (and Mike Epps, who has been cast as Pryor) aren’t going to top that title.
That flick was an “inspired by” take on it, but this one will be the real thing. Pryor was actually raised in Nana Marie Carter’s brothel in Peoria, Illinois (anyone would be a comedian after that experience) and TMZ reports that Oprah is looking to play “gritty” this time because she’s already exhausted “inspiring,” “spiritual,” and “book club.”
I don’t think playing a lady pimp is going be challenge enough for Oprah. I want to see O play Richard! Imagine the only deity that matters playing Richard on the set of The Toy, wondering just what the fuck he was thinking? Imagine Oprah catching fire while trying to freebase? Imagine Oprah opposite Maggie Gyllenhaal as Gene Wilder filming See No Evil, Hear No Evil (1989)? (Wow, Richard went through some shit.)
Check out pics of O from the premiere of The Hundred-Foot Journey in NYC earlier this month below.
Somewhere in Montecito, CA there’s a terrified-looking Stedman frantically running around a Starbucks trying to order $3 million dollars worth of chai tea lattes and screaming at a barista: “I’ll take whatever you’ve got! This is important, GODDAMNIT! Is this all of it here in the SALE bin? Ring it up faster!” before collapsing to the floor and rocking back and forth in the fetal position chanting: “There’s still time…there’s still time…it’s okay….Oprah won’t be too mad…”. Poor Stedman. Forbes magazine released their annual 100 Richest Assholes List (aka the Celebrity 100) today, and his boo Oprah was knocked from her spot at #1 by lifelike android chanteuse Beyoncé. Even worse, Her Majesty Oprah didn’t even get a seat at the exclusive Top 3 Table: instead, Forbes handed Oprah a tray and a bundle of plastic cutlery and told her there was a #4 spot and a stale chicken souvlaki waiting for her in the food court with the rest of the losers. Here’s the Top 10:
1. Beyoncé ($115 million)
2. LeBron James ($72 million)
3. Dr. Dre ($620 million – gold diggers everywhere just peed a little)
4. Oprah ($82 million)
5. Ellen DeGeneres ($70 million)
6. Jay-Z ($60 million)
7. Floyd Mayweather ($105 million)
8. Rihanna ($48 million)
9. Katy Perry ($40 million)
10. Robert Downey Jr. ($75 million)
The Forbes Celebrity 100 measures both fame and money, so while Yawncé didn’t make the most money, her massive
ego fame makes up for it and put her at #1. Likewise, Oprah made a good chunk of money, but the former golden goose did nothing but lay coke-filled shit eggs this year. But it doesn’t matter, because this list is clearly inaccurate! The real Celebrity 100 Top 1o should read as follows:
1. The Hammaconda ($106 trillion in broken hearts)
2. Bruce Jenner (you can’t put a dollar value on exquisite beauty)
3. Anderson Cooper ($65 million)
4. Britney Jean Spears ($30 million in Velveeta)
5. That Bat Boy-looking kid from the Marlins Fan Cam ($20 million)
6. Saint Angie ($104 billion in angel dollars)
7. La Croix coconut soda (it’s the Champale of canned waters)
8. Mariah’s photoshop artiste (still waiting to get paid)
9. Purin the beagle ($30 million)
10. Princess RiRi’s nipples ($40/hour)
You’re right, I made a mistake – The Hammaconda should be numbers 1 through 100.