Oprah is having a rummage sale in Santa Barbara. On polo grounds in three giant tents. After de-cluttering her homes in Hawaii, Indiana and California, among others. This ain’t your mama’s sit-outside-for-three-days-to-make-$38-yard-sale.
She told Entertainment Tonight (via People) that she’s been accumulating things since 1985 and that proceeds from in person and online sales will benefit the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy Foundation College Fund, which is dedicated to helping graduates of The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls — South Africa attend colleges and universities around the world.
“It’s just too much stuff. I talk about it a lot in [O] the magazine. We talk about decluttering. And I realized, I need to declutter my own life. It is very freeing. I am downsizing.”
Autographed electric scooters? Check. A 19th-century doll, expected to go for up to $8,000? Check. A Louis XVI chest of drawers, perhaps the priciest item, worth up to $50,000? Check.
In fact, there are lots of dolls for sale.“People come to stay with me, and they say they get scared with all the dolls,” Winfrey says.“You wake up, and there’s like 12 dolls staring at you.”
Not that it’s easy for her to let go of some of this stuff. But for Winfrey, it’s about practicing what she preaches.
“I’m trying not to be attached to things,” she says. “I’m trying to live the life that I talk about, like not letting things define you. But it’s hard.”
I guess it was too much to hope that Oprah would have just a regular yard sale like us commoners. I’d love to see that Louis XVI chest shoved against a card table filled with mismatched Tupperware and Christmas platters that would get passed over at Goodwill, with one of those fluorescent pink dot stickers on it as the price tag. The dolls thrown in a plastic bin, missing a shoe here and with a “look, Mommy, I made her prettier!” lopsided haircut there. I can’t even fathom why she would have autographed electric scooters or who they belonged to but I already threw up a prayer for this one.
All I know is that somewhere, Nicolas Cage is being held in a basement against his will so he can’t add a bronzed strap-on that used to belong to Gayle King to his collection of weird shit that gave him the poors.
Anyone really hell-bent on owning a piece of Oprah (which is only fair since she’s been stealing people’s souls and wills to live for years), could also bid online after purchasing a color catalog for $50, which graciously includes shipping. I’d rather take $50 to the garage sale around the corner to score a taxidermied, wall-mounted badger to give my mother-in-law as the gift that will keep on giving, if last year’s stocking stuffer of deer pee that went over like a fart in church is any indication.
When Jenny McCarthy isn’t busy pissing people off over vaccinations, trash talking Jim Carrey, alienating the last the three people still watching “The View” and making Gucci somehow look low rent, she managed to get her try-hardy ass on Oprah’s shit list according to an interview she did with Andy Cohen on “Watch What Happens Live “(via USWeekly).
She explained that she had a falling out with the mega-mogul, 59, after a tentative deal — McCarthy was to have a talk show on Winfrey’s OWN network — apparently fell through. “I did a deal with her for five years, but we, we kinda shook hands. I would be scared she would beat me up,” McCarthy revealed.
When Bravo’s Cohen asked McCarthy to clarify what happened with the the deal, she confirmed that “It didn’t [work out],” suggesting that she walked away to pursue other interests. “I left. I am terrified . . . I would be like OH NO [if we ran into each other].”
“Do you think you’re on her ‘list’?” Cohen asked.
“I’m sure there’s probably a lot of people on her sh*t list, but I’m probably number 4,” McCarthy estimated.
Knowing Oprah, numbers one through three are- in no particular order- James Frey, Steadman’s penis and anybody on her staff who dares suggest catering bring in low-fat muffins. Any number of things could be put in the fourth slot (cue stomachs everywhere churning over anything having to do with “Oprah” and “slot”), but Jenny seems to be convinced if they ever crossed paths again, Oprah would start screaming, “YOU GET AN ASS BEATING. AND YOU GET AN ASS BEATING. AND EVERYBODY GETS AN ASS BEATING!” while the audience collectively loses their shit. Jenny at least had the common sense to back out before jumping on the OWN network, which Oprah herself has admitted hadn’t lived up to the hype and caused her to dive headfirst into the sads.
Oprah told People magazine she had a meltdown last summer because “people were counting me out… After 25 years of being No. 1, I had become accustomed to success. I didn’t expect failure. I was tested and I had to dig deep.” She said “the schadenfreude was very painful for me, because I had never experienced it. I thought, ‘Do I not get credit for the 25 years? What have I gotten myself into?’”
If only Jenny had read some of the reviews when Barbara Walters came knocking on her door as a replacement for Elisabeth Hasselcrack on “The View”, housewives wouldn’t live in fear of hearing any more information about Donnie Wahlberg’s ass or how he likes to jerk it on those ridiculous glasses she wears. You know Jenny’s the type who would demand every Lens Crafters employee stop what they’re doing as she tries on every oversized frame reserved for hot chicks with crippling self-esteem issues asking, “But would you fuck me??“
Because we’re still treating that VMAs twerking shit like it’s the only thing that has ever happened in the history of the Earth (yes, I’m guilty and will punish myself by watching it again in slow motion while sober), The Mighty Oprah asked Alan Thicke’s son about it during Sunday’s episode of Oprah’s Next Chapter. Even though there were rehearsals and Robin Thicke obviously knew that Miley’s Amber Alert ass was going to rub up against his crotch, he played innocent and said that he wasn’t really paying attention to her during their performance.
“That’s all on her. People ask me, ‘Do you twerk?’ I’m like, ‘Listen, I’m the twerkee. I’m twerked upon. I don’t twerk myself, okay? I’m just twerked upon.’
I was on stage. I didn’t see it. So to me, I’m walking out towards Miley [and] I’m not thinking sex. I’m thinking fun, you know? I mean her and I don’t have that kind of – You have to remember, I’m singing my butt off. I’m sitting there. I’m looking up at the sky, and I’m not really paying attention to all that.”
The inside of Robin Thicke’s head probably looks a lot like my browser history: porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, puppy videos, porn, porn, porn, porn, directions to nearest Del Taco, porn, porn, porn. Replace “puppy videos” and “directions to nearest Del Taco” with “Adult Friend Finder” and “70spimpsuits.com,” and that’s exactly what the inside of Robin Thicke’s head looks like. So he’s full of shit for saying that he wasn’t thinking about sex while singing a song about sex, because he’s always thinking about sex. Robin’s crotch was to Miley Cyrus’ ass as Janet Jackson’s nipple was to Justin Timberlake’s paw. That fuckery train had two conductors.
And I’m not going to watch Oprah’s Next Chapter on Sunday, because I love my TV too much and I’d have to take a sledgehammer to it if Oprah attempted to twerk on Robin’s crotch.
Here’s Robin doing an impersonation of all of the Nymphomaniac posters while performing in Liverpool last night.
Diddy, God’s God Oprah, Kanye Kardashian and a piss-haired Kim Kardashian all partied together in the same room last night and a strange this happened. All of us should be lying on the face of Mars today, because these many egos rubbing up against each other should’ve made the planet’s core burst into flames and explode, sending us all flying through the universe. How did that not happen?! Scientists will be studying this mystery for decades. Maybe their massive egos did cause that room to explode but Kim’s fat ass cushioned the explosion?
As Pimp Mama Kris was at home teaching North West how to say her first word, “money,” her two highest-earning whores Kim and Kanye hung out with The Mighty O, Diddly and Jimmy Iovine who’s looking more and more like a grandpa turtle doing an impersonation of The Situation. Jesus is shaking his head, because he’s grossed out by heaven’s ambassador, Oprah, hanging out with the grand dame of the Illuminati bath house, Kanye, and I’m shaking my head, because I’m trying to get rid of the image of The Mighty O pointing at Jimmy’s turtle dick.
If you watched the hour-long infomercial for Cliffside Malibu on OWN last night and decided to turn it into a drinking game by doing a shot of muddled Adderall paste and vodka every time Lindsay Lohan said, “Things are really different this time,” then you probably had to check into Cliffside Malibu this morning to deal with your new Adderall and vodka addiction, because she said that shit a lot.
LiLo’s post-rehab interview with Oprah was like an encore performance of all her post-rehab interviews. While wearing a tight dress in the perfect shade of prison orange (I see what you did there, LiLo), LiLo told Oprah during Oprah’s Next Chapter that it only took ten million trips to rehab, but this time things are really different and she’s more focused and more grounded and is okay with not being in the middle of a tornado of chaos all the time. LiLo admitted that she’s an addict and that booze is her drug of choice. When The Mighty O asked her about cocaine, LiLo said that she only did coke, because it goes perfectly with the sweet nectar and she’s only done it 10 or 15 times. LiLo says that she said before that she only did it 4 or 5 times, because she was really, really scared. So bitch has only done it 10 to 15 times. Or 100 to 150 times. Or 1000 to 1500 times. Who really counts the number of bad shit lines going up into your nostrils? When The Mighty O asked LiLo if she snorted or injected coke, LiLo nearly clutched her pearls when she said, “I’ve never injected anything other than B12 shots.” In a hospital somewhere, LiLo’s back alley plastic surgeon who injects Fix-A-Flat into her lips every other day is recovering after almost laughing himself to death last night.
LiLo says that she’s no longer on Adderall and she didn’t take it to stay skinny or anything. LiLo said that she could eat and sleep on Adderall. She took it for her ADD.
When the subject of LiLo’s shit parents came up, I wanted Iyanla to run out onto the set (which looked like a Palm Springs furniture store) and tell her ass that her parents are a pair of enabling ass dingles who would sell her out for an 8-ball. But instead of that, Oprah softly asked LiLo if she feels like her parents exploit her and take advantage of her. LiLo spit out this mound of lukewarm delusion:
“No, nobody’s perfect. I love my parents and I’m not going to say that it hasn’t… Certain situations, I would’ve preferred handled differently. Certain things I would’ve preferred to be kept within my family in private, but that’s in the past and I can’t change that.
I don’t think anything was intentionally done in that way. I hate what a bad rap people give my parents, because they’re just parents at the end of the day. They’re trying to stand up for their daughter and themselves. I’ve asked, in sitting with my parents recently, to keep our lives private, please.”
White Oprah and Michael Lohan are getting along right now, so says LiLo.
I hope that in LiLo’s reality shit show for OWN, they show the scene where LiLo tells her parents to stop selling her out, because I really want to see the buzz drain from White Oprah’s face as she realizes that she’ll have to stop getting her vodka money from Radar. But please, like White Oprah and Michael are really going to stop selling their kids out. The chances of that happening are about as good as LiLo putting her saggy titty balls in a bra for once.
The Snobby Saleswoman who Oprah says wouldn’t show her a $40,000 crocodile bag because she’s black and didn’t look like she could afford it told her side of the story to the Swiss paper SonntagsBlick (translated by The Daily Mail).The Snobby Saleswoman, who didn’t want to give her name, says that the most powerful Demigod on the planet is ruining her life by spreading lies about what really happened. She says that she had no idea who Oprah was when The Mighty O strolled into Trois Pommes in Zurich. The Snobby Saleswoman showed Oprah a few purses and when The Mighty O asked to see the infamous $40,000 bag, she explained it’s just like the one she held in her hand only more expensive. Oh, so bitch did use the “it’s VERY expensive” line. CAUGHT! The Snobby Saleswoman put the entire incident like this:
“I wasn’t sure what I should present to her when she came in on the afternoon of Saturday, July 20, so I showed her some bags from the Jennifer Aniston collection.”
Let me just press pause on Snobby Saleswoman’s story for just one second. THE JENNIFER ANISTON COLLECTION! I’ve never sold purses in my life, but I’m pretty sure that any bitch would be offended and disgusted if I showed them purses from the Jennifer Aniston collection. Show them a Lisa Frank fanny pack or a Jaclyn Smith for KMart tote purse, but don’t EVER show them some Jennifer Aniston crap. Moving on…
“I explained to her the bags came in different sizes and materials, like I always do. She looked at a frame behind me. Far above there was the 35,000 Swiss franc crocodile leather bag. I simply told her that it was like the one I held in my hand, only much more expensive, and that I could show her similar bags. It is absolutely not true that I declined to show her the bag on racist grounds. I even asked her if she wanted to look at the bag. She looked around the store again but didn’t say anything else. Then she went with her companion to the lower floor. My colleague saw them to the door. They were not even in the store for five minutes.”
Snobby Saleswoman claims that she never told The Mighty O, “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, you can’t afford this bag,” and that she treats everybody the same.
“This is not true. This is absurd. I would never say something like that to a customer. Really never. Good manners and politeness are the Alpha and the Omega in this business. I don’t know why she is making these accusations. She is so powerful and I am just a shop girl. I didn’t hurt anyone. I don’t know why someone as great as her must cannibalize me on TV. If it had all taken place as she claimed, why has she not complained the next day at the wedding of Tina Turner with Trudie Goetz, my boss? She was there also at the Turner wedding as a guest. I don’t understand it. I spoke to Oprah Winfrey in English. My English is okay but not excellent, unfortunately.”
CANNIBALIZE HER! So Snobby Saleswoman isn’t only accusing Oprah’s mouth of being an overreacting lie machine, but she’s also accusing Oprah of eating her? Those cries of betrayal filling your ears are from Gayle King.
The Mighty O was asked about this shit at last night’s L.A. premiere of Lee Daniels’ The Butler and she apologized for blowing it up and turning it into a highly important international incident!
“I think that incident in Switzerland was just an incident in Switzerland. I’m really sorry that it got blown up. I purposefully did not mention the name of the store. I’m sorry that I said it was Switzerland. I was just referencing it as an example of being in a place where people don’t expect that you would be able to be there.”
The lesson to be learned here is if you’re a salesperson and somebody asks to see something, show it to their asses, because that’s your job and you never know if they queef out diamond-encrusted crotch berries like Oprah does. The other lesson to be learned here is if you’re Oprah and you tell Nancy O’Dell that a Snobby Saleswoman was kind of racist to you, don’t be surprised if the media drags that Snobby Saleswoman into the street for everyone to look at.
But hopefully, The Mighty O and Snobby Saleswoman can come together, patch shit up and direct their hate at Jennifer Aniston. Because clearly, it’s all her fault.
Well, it looks like Marie aka Snobby Saleswoman #2 from Pretty Woman learned a whole lot of Italian with Rosetta Stone and moved to Zurich to spread her signature bitchy snobbery there.
The most powerful woman IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, Oprah, says that while she was in Zurich for Tina Turner’s wedding, she decided to do just a little casual shopping and she strolled into a fancy store called Trois Pomme. The salesgirl at Trois Pomme obviously didn’t know that Oprah’s a woman whose pubes are worth more than that entire store, because she treated her like some common, regular peasant. Oprah brought up the story while talking to Entertainment Tonight’s Nancy O’Dell about racism.
When Nancy asked The Mighty O if anybody’s ever been racist to her, she said not blatantly, but that when she went to Trois Pomme and asked to see a $40,000 bag, the Snobby Saleswoman pulled some “it’s VERY expensive” shit on her and tried to sell her some cheaper bags instead. Oprah says that she wasn’t slathered in diamonds, but she wasn’t dressed like a regular Kristen Stewart either. Oprah kept trying to get the Snobby Saleswoman to show her that bag, but the Snobby Saleswoman kept turning her down and that bitch finally said, “I can’t, I don’t want to hurt your feelings.” Knowing that she could probably buy that store and buy Snobby Saleswoman’s house and burn them all down to the ground while cackling into the night air, Oprah smiled and said, “You’re right, I probably can’t afford it,” before busting out of there.
Gayle King told Oprah that she should’ve went back and told that ho, “Big mistake. HUGE,” but she didn’t want to do that.
The store’s owner, Trudie Gotz, told the BBC that it was all just a misunderstanding. Snobby Saleswoman isn’t a racist and wasn’t treating Oprah like that because she’s black. Trudie said that Oprah just wanted to see the bag and not touch it. That makes zero sense, but it’s the story Trudie stuck to. The BBC asked Trudie if she was breaking the Eleventh Commandment by calling Oprah a liar, but she didn’t answer. Trudie says that Snobby Saleswoman mostly speaks Italian and her English isn’t so good. Trudie isn’t going to fire her.
The Swiss tourism office said that Snobby Saleswoman acted terribly wrong and that “we are very sorry for what happened to [Oprah].” The Swiss tourism office continued to apologize to Oprah by skinning that salesgirl alive and turning her into a bag for The Mighty O!
And this post is totally incomplete without this:
Marie is a total ice cold bitch and she’s the best part of Pretty Woman. I am so mad at Hollywood for not making a sequel to Pretty Women where Vivian marries Edward, buys that shop and becomes Marie’s new boss.
When Oprah interviewed Paula Deen for Oprah’s Next Chapter last year, she stayed in the Deen family “guest house” in Georgia and now she knows why the “guest house” was actually a shack in the backyard and why there was an Aunt Jemima costume and a dinner bell lying on her cot. The Mighty O got to know Paula Deen, so at last night’s premiere of Lee Daniels’ The Butler in NYC, everybody with a mic asked her about it. Oprah recently said no friend of hers will ever use the n-word around her, so I’m surprised she didn’t tell reporters, “Paula who? Oh, you mean the Miss Millie whose company I’m going to buy with my play money and DESTROY just for fun?” Oprah told Entertainment Tonight that Paula is not the first white woman to use the n-word and also said that she tried to call Paula’s ass.
“In the very first days I tried to reach her and then I decided to stay out of it as I saw it blowing up. In time she will be fine. For me, it all just felt kind of sad.
Nobody in their right mind is going to call me the N-word. You know, you see those fools on Twitter sometime say ridiculous things. But nobody in their right mind is going to do that to my face, because true racism is being able to have power over somebody else. So that doesn’t happen to me that way.”
That’s Oprah’s way of saying, “I’m God, bitch,” and it’s also Oprah’s way of telling Squeak to come call her a “field nigger” to her face, because she really wants to tit pound that bitch through all the layers of the Earth into Hell.
Here’s more of FroPrah and Ted Head Stedman at last night’s The Butler premiere. I also threw in a bunch of pictures of other hos there including Mimi who showed up wearing a sling that can double as a studded fisting glove.
Lindsay Lohan was supposed to take an open-ended post-rehab trip to Europe, because everyone knows that when you’re newly sober you should go off to the land where red wine comes out of the faucets in your hotel room (that might’ve only been my hotel room). LiLo’s “friend” (see: sugar daddy) bought her a one-way ticket and she was supposed to leave from NYC tonight, but then Oprah floated up to the top of her mountain in Maui and threw a lightning bolt straight into LiLo’s ticket. The Mighty O has spoken and LiLo will not go to Europe. “Consider this my gift to you, Europe.” – Oprah
TMZ says that when LiLo’s new adoptive mother Oprah heard that mess was going to Europe, she made clouds scatter by speaking up! Oprah told LiLo that if she goes to Europe, she’ll probably end up once again snorting bad coke off of her sugar daddy’s soft dick on a bare mattress covered in whiskey stains, barf and regrets. TMZ’s source says that Oprah had to call LiLo several times before she agreed that going to Europe is a bad idea.
E! says that instead of going to Europe, LiLo is putting the So and Ho in SoHo by looking for an apartment there. LiLo is so serious about keeping her rubber slug lips off the crack pipe that she plans to move her sober coach, who’s a dude, in with her. How very Juliette’s mom from Nashville of her.
If Oprah really does get LiLo to actually make good life decisions, then she really is God’s God, because I don’t think even God performed miracles like that. And I’m sure that free ticket to Europe isn’t going to waste. White Oprah is at the airport right now with her snortin’ nostrils ready to go.
And here’s LiLo filming her “docu-series” (aka scripted reality show masquerading as some fancy shit) in NYC today. I don’t know if that’s a choker from the Contempo Casuals archive closet or a tracking collar that Oprah put on her ass.
It’s been approximately five minutes since Lindsay Lohan was released back into the wild and we’ve already had several servings of her pink nipples, heard about how the sweet nectar is her arch rival and now her 4th annual post-rehab comeback tour continues! On Chelsea Lately tonight, a leather balloon full of vodka will be replaced with a leather balloon full of Adderall sludge when Lindsay Lohan sits in for Chelsea Handler.
The episode was shot last week and E!’s been slowly queefing out clips including one of LiLo knocking the married man mouth off of Kristen Stewart’s cookie box. LiLo brought up that clip of KStew blowing an air kiss of love at the paps and then slightly burned that trick by saying:
Kristen Stewart told off paparazzi this week and there’s a video of this on TMZ. She’s hiding behind a gate, waiting to get into a car, and she said, “You’re a piece of shit and you don’t deserve the same air that I do.” Yeah, I’m just excited that Kristen Stewart finally showed some emotion. But I really love her, she’s awesome. I love her. I’m a Kristen Stewart fan. I will say this, of course she hates photographers, they took a picture of her kissing a married man in a MINI Cooper.
Don’t worry, KStew didn’t feel that slightly lukewarm burn since her skin is permanently numb and she’s dead inside. And yeah, I know LiLo calling out a trick for getting caught with a married bitch is rich, but let’s look at the positive side of all of this. LiLo was actually coherent enough to read a pre-written joke off of a card and she didn’t once roll up the card and use it to snort up a line. LILO’S BACK!
And here’s LiLo looking like a nervous naranja in a preview of her interview with The Mighty O.