Category: Oprah

Because Of Donald Trump’s Win, Oprah Is Thinking That Maybe She Could Become President Too

March 1, 2017 / Posted by:

Since The Mighty O has a legion of devoted followers and she has the power to bring down industries, she’s been asked about running for President of the United States and she’s always waved that thought away and said, “not in this lifetime.” But Oprah is now looking at the Oval Office like, “hmmm,” since the current POTUS has less government experience than a 4th grade student council secretary.

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Everyone Is Poor: The Oprah Edition

February 27, 2016 / Posted by:

First Kanye, now Oprah! What is happening?!

This morning, Oprah Winfrey went to her bathroom, turned on the light, slowly walked to her mirror and upon seeing her reflection, did not recognise who she saw and had to ask, “Harpo, who dis woman?” because she just lost $21 million.

According to CNBC – yes, CNBC! We might be trash boxes (copyright: NeNe Leakes) but we can still read smart shit – Weight Watchers reported a drop of more than 20% in their fourth quarter revenue.

As you may now, Oprah made $12.5 million for one tweet where she screamed about how much bread she can still eat. She lost almost double that. The slump means that the value of Oprah’s stake in the company dropped by $21 million. However, she’s seen a gain of roughly $75 million since entering the partnership.

But who are we kidding, Oprah isn’t going to notice $21 million. That’s a drop in the damn prop comedy oversized bucket that is her vast wealth! Good for you, Oprah. Eat that bread and don’t bat an eye at that drop! Besides, it’s not really her loss, it’s an on paper stock sort of thing. That shit could skyrocket any day. Ugh. Stocks. Amirite?

Pics: Wenn.com

The Mighty O Made $12 Million From One Tweet About Her Love Of Bread

January 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Last October, Oprah reached into her cleavage and pulled out a measly $43.2 million to buy a 10% stake (around 6.4 million shares) in Weight Watchers. As part of the deal, she became the new face of Weight Watchers. As Oprah’s already obese bank accounts get fatter, she says that she’s getting skinnier thanks to WW.

If I was a multi-billionaire like The Mighty O, I’d just stay fat and spend my days watching the full cast of Showgirls perform the movie live and in front of me as my trophy husbands, Alexander Skarsgard and Idris Elba, fed me freshly made Double-Doubles from the In-N-Out in my basement. But Oprah claims she’s doing the WW program and yesterday she said in a tweet that she’s lost 26 pounds so far and she’s done it while eating bread every day. OPRAH. LOVES. BREAD.

I wasn’t really impressed by that tweet because I’m sure she instantly loses 26 pounds when she takes off her casual daytime diamonds before bedtime. But Oprah’s words are still so powerful that she can tweet about eating bread and make $12.5 million after doing so. Market Watch says that after that bread-loving tweet went up at 12:09pm EST, Weight Watchers’ stock jumped up to 20 percent over the course of one hour. The stock was at $11.35 a share before her tweet and it ended at $13.29 a share. The Mighty O made $12.5 million in one hour. Of course the stock is going to drop, so expect Oprah to bring it back up in a couple of days by tweeting about how she lost 27 pounds while eating cake. Two days after that, she’ll bring up the stock more by tweeting about how she lost 28 pounds while eating pizza. And after she runs out of food to tweet about, she’ll just post that bees GIF and I’m sure that’ll make the stock jump up 40%.

When Oprah tweets about her love of bread, she makes $12 million. When I tweet about my love of bread, my mom e-mails me a copy of the flat belly diet. Life, it isn’t fair.

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Oprah Thinks The Kartrashians Are Extremely Hard Workers

November 9, 2015 / Posted by:

Back when the Kartrashians didn’t totally look like 80 pounds of silicone and butt jelly in a 40 pound Balmain bag, Oprah interviewed them and claims she saw first-hand how much “hard work” it takes to look and be that fake. While Rebel Wilson and Uncle Tim Gunn are publicly saying that the Kartrashians are about as useless as a dildo made of sand, Oprah is guzzling down Pimp Mama Kris’ home brewed Kool-Aid (made of the tears of Kartrashian men and Lucifer’s jizz) and is defending them.

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So… About That Whole “Oprah’s Got A Secret Son” Thing

October 30, 2015 / Posted by:

When Oprah was on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert a couple of weeks ago, a dude “ambushed” her and told her he was her son while she was signing autographs outside of the theater. (The Daily Mail has pictures of that if you want to see it.) Oprah probably hears that a lot. I mean, if I ever see her in public, I’m going to run up to her while screaming, “Auntie O, it’s my birthday,” hoping that she’d hug me before giving me a stack of money as a present. But the guy who ambushed her is someone she knows and tried to help decades ago.

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Danny Pintauro From “Who’s The Boss?” Has HIV, Wants To Be An HIV Activist

September 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Danny Pintauro, aka Jonathan Bower from “Who’s The Boss?“, recently sat down with Lindsay Lohan’s former best friend Oprah for an episode of Oprah: Where Are They Now? (via People). Danny had two pretty big updates regarding his life: Danny admitted to Oprah that he’s been HIV positive for the past 12 years, and that he used to be really into crystal meth. Crystal meth? Jonathan, no! What would Tony say??

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