Somewhere in Montecito, CA there’s a terrified-looking Stedman frantically running around a Starbucks trying to order $3 million dollars worth of chai tea lattes and screaming at a barista: “I’ll take whatever you’ve got! This is important, GODDAMNIT! Is this all of it here in the SALE bin? Ring it up faster!” before collapsing to the floor and rocking back and forth in the fetal position chanting: “There’s still time…there’s still time…it’s okay….Oprah won’t be too mad…”. Poor Stedman. Forbes magazine released their annual 100 Richest Assholes List (aka the Celebrity 100) today, and his boo Oprah was knocked from her spot at #1 by lifelike android chanteuse Beyoncé. Even worse, Her Majesty Oprah didn’t even get a seat at the exclusive Top 3 Table: instead, Forbes handed Oprah a tray and a bundle of plastic cutlery and told her there was a #4 spot and a stale chicken souvlaki waiting for her in the food court with the rest of the losers. Here’s the Top 10:
1. Beyoncé ($115 million)
2. LeBron James ($72 million)
3. Dr. Dre ($620 million – gold diggers everywhere just peed a little)
4. Oprah ($82 million)
5. Ellen DeGeneres ($70 million)
6. Jay-Z ($60 million)
7. Floyd Mayweather ($105 million)
8. Rihanna ($48 million)
9. Katy Perry ($40 million)
10. Robert Downey Jr. ($75 million)
The Forbes Celebrity 100 measures both fame and money, so while Yawncé didn’t make the most money, her massive
ego fame makes up for it and put her at #1. Likewise, Oprah made a good chunk of money, but the former golden goose did nothing but lay coke-filled shit eggs this year. But it doesn’t matter, because this list is clearly inaccurate! The real Celebrity 100 Top 1o should read as follows:
1. The Hammaconda ($106 trillion in broken hearts)
2. Bruce Jenner (you can’t put a dollar value on exquisite beauty)
3. Anderson Cooper ($65 million)
4. Britney Jean Spears ($30 million in Velveeta)
5. That Bat Boy-looking kid from the Marlins Fan Cam ($20 million)
6. Saint Angie ($104 billion in angel dollars)
7. La Croix coconut soda (it’s the Champale of canned waters)
8. Mariah’s photoshop artiste (still waiting to get paid)
9. Purin the beagle ($30 million)
10. Princess RiRi’s nipples ($40/hour)
You’re right, I made a mistake – The Hammaconda should be numbers 1 through 100.
Before I started watching Lindsay on OWN, I already knew that Lindsay Lohan’s a freckled bag of lies who lives in a fart bubble of narcissism where everybody and everything is to blame but her. So at the very end of last night’s finale when she said that she had to stop filming for two weeks because she had a miscarriage, a lot of hos squinted their eyes and let out an, “Errrr.”
The last part of the finale was shot after the first episode had already aired on OWN and everybody trashed her ass for holding up production and being the opposite of reliable. LiLo says she couldn’t physically shoot, because she was laid up in bed with the sicks after losing a baby.
“No one knows this and we can finish after this, I had a miscarriage for those two weeks I took off. It’s a very long story. That’s why on the show when it says, ‘she doesn’t want to come down, she doesn’t want to come down,’ I couldn’t move. I was sick and mentally that messes with you. And watching this series, I just know how I felt at that moment and I can relate to that girl, which sounds kind of crazy. But, I’m like, ‘Oh my God, this is really sad, who’s helping her?’ No one knows what’s going on in my head at every second, because I’m constantly thinking. My mind does not shut off. The only time it does is when I start doing meditation or when I put music on my headphones. There’s a lot going on in my life then.”
LiLo didn’t say who the father was.
A miscarriage is an awful, tragic nightmare that nobody should go through, so would LiLo actually stoop that low and earn a seat on the Peter Pan bus to Hell by making one up to get sympathy? Hmm, I guess it wouldn’t be the worse thing she’s ever done (see: The Canyons). Somebody should really check her DVR history to see if she’s been watching Nashville.
White Oprah’s just pissed, because nobody told her LiLo was going to say she miscarried. White Oprah could’ve leaked that info (along with that fuck list) to InTouch Weekly for more gin and Adderall money.
And if you need to see those words coming out of LiLo’s mouth, here’s the clip of her saying she miscarried:
Let’s play a game! Without cheating, let’s see if you can guess why Oprah won’t be renewing Lindsay Lohan’s reality show Lindsay. Are you ready? Okay, GO! If you guessed any of the following: booze, drugs, being a fuck-up, being difficult, being a difficult fuck-up, being a difficult drunk fuck-up, you’d be WRONG, because it was a trick question! The answer is low ratings (the answer is always low ratings).
The series finale for Lindsay airs this Sunday, and it sounds like Blo may want to throw herself another booze-soaked viewing party, because The Daily Mail says that it might be her last. Oprah was planning on renewing Lindsay’s reality series if it turned out to be a success, but it wasn’t. The premiere episode only took in 700,000 viewers, which may seem like a lot, until you realize that old-ass re-runs of The Big Bang Theory get about 4 million viewer. 70,000 viewers puts Lindsay in the same category as informercials and the stock footage of parks they show on DOG-TV. Since Oprah doesn’t really give two freckled Lohan shits about the Apricot Ashtray’s road to recovery unless she’s getting paid, she’s cutting her losses and moving on to a better money maker (Iyanla: Fix My Life Pt.2 – Keep Fixin’!)
And it sounds like out-of-work Lindsay can’t fall back on sitcom guest appearances either. According to Radar, Lindsay’s appearance on 2 Broke Girls was their lowest-rated episode of the season, nearly 1 million viewers less than an average episode. And that says a lot, since people who watch 2 Broke Girls aren’t exactly discerning viewers to begin with (aww, JK 2 Broke Girls. Any show with Jennifer Coolidge can’t be half bad).
So there ends another full rotation on the Merry Go Round of Lindsay Lohan’s life: she fucks up, she bargains for another chance, she gets another chance, she fucks up, she bargains for another chance, etc etc until she runs out of chances on earth, and she finds herself a rocket and starts bargaining with aliens.
Here’s more of Lindsay in London on Monday. I really hope there’s a current resume in that backpack, because she’s going to need it.
Pics: Flame Flynet
Greta the Gremlin’s shady pill-gobbling half-sister, Lindsay Lohan, accidentally took a wrong turn on her way to the human ashtray convention and drunkenly wandered onto the set of The Late Show Wednesday night. While there, she sat with David Letterman (in a chair that was later fumigated to hell and back, then mercifully destroyed) to talk about the reality show that will surely sweep every category at this year’s Delusional Dirtbag Emmys, Lindsay (aka the weekly reminder that your parents did alright with you and you should send them a Blue Mountain e-card).
Since Blohan’s version of Jiminy Cricket is a tiny stupid crackhead who turns tricks inside her ratty weave, it shouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone when she answered the question David asked about the editing on her show by throwing massive amounts of freckled shade at Saint Oprah and the Saviour Crew at OWN. Remember Sunday’s episode where the Apricot Ashtray fucks up a meeting with a Sony executive in LA and gets called out for boozing? She didn’t actually say some of those things! Her words were taken out of context! It’s all meant to create drama for the show! They just want ratings! It’s all a conspiracy! (Snnooooooorrrtttt) I’m sober! Where’s my money? Oprah? I need money! Ow, did I just step on a glass pipe?
At which point, Lindsay’s crackhead conscience sounded the ‘YOU’RE BROKE, BITCH’ alarm (it sounds a little something like this) and screamed at her to start kissing Oprah’s ass again. So Lindsay convinced David Letterman to call up Oprah, because remember? She talks to Oprah every day! In a move of total perfect cuntiness, Oprah told David and the Late Show audience that the little grifter that could is “doing okay” followed by asking him “What do you think?” Oh Oprah. Anyone with a set of working eyeballs and the ability to detect vodka and mouthwash cocktails knows that the answer to that question. You shady bitch.
If you’ve never experienced the joy of accidentally sitting beside a ‘looks normal/sounds crazy’ crazy person on the subway (you know – the kind who’s reading an issue of Time, wearing a suit, and staring uncomfortably into your eyes before asking “When do you think the government will release the secret tapes of Jesus testifying against Allstar Seaworthy?”) you’re in luck, because Lindsay Lohan’s most recent appearance on Ellen is a pretty reasonable facsimile. Blohan was there to promote the “docu-series” (which is the conscious uncoupling way of saying ‘reality show’) Oprah Winfrey gave to her, and when asked about The Mighty O, her brain burped out this piece of dried airplane glue:
“I speak to her almost every day, and she’s just…she’s been so amazing to me. Just, you know, for everything, even before the show was coming out”
Lindsay Lohan must be snorting some next-level shit to think that when she dials the phone number given to her by the OWN producers, she is actually speaking with Oprah. Nobody talks to Oprah but Oprah; she only communicates with people by standing in front of a mirror and letting one of her dogs write down what she says. Then again, Blohan has the brain of a not-smart 2nd grader, so she’s probably pretty easy to trick. For example, when I was 5, someone called my house claiming to be Santa, and I was 100% sure I was speaking to Kris fucking Kringle himself, because kids are dumb. Same goes for Lohans; the producers at OWN probably figured out pretty early on and assigned an intern to answer all her drunk-dials. “Hey Lindsay, this is Brad…I mean Oprah. Are you finding your truth or whatever?”
And speaking of trying to pull a fast one, Ellen tried to casually bring up her rumoured fuck list, the Apricot Ashtray changed the subject faster than a Lohan at a DUI checkpoint. Ellen had reminded Blo about her first time on Ellen where she sang a sad break-up song, to which Ellen jokingly asking if she remembered who it was about, followed by “I heard there’s a list going around”. That’s when Lindsay coughed out the words most likely to shut any conversation down: “It was Wilmer Valderrama“. Nothing makes people want to change the subject faster than picturing that sleazy parasite. Bravo, Lindsay; I’m going to have to steal that one for the next time I get backed into a corner at a party.
The first two episodes of Lindsay Lohan’s reality shit show masquerading as a “docu-series” felt like the pilot episode for HGTV’s future hit Crack House Hunters. It was two hours of the self-entitled freckled cigarette stain crying and whining about how hard it is finding a multi-million dollar luxury apartment in SoHo to rent with OWN’s money. But finally, on last night’s episode shit got serious when The Mighty O descended from her throne on Mt. Olympus to use a bunch of bullshit self-help phrases to tell LiLo, “Fuck with my money and I will DESTROY you.”
Just like the preview showed, Lindsay Lohan pulled a Lindsay Lohan when she canceled a scheduled shoot just as the crew arrived at her apartment to start shooting for the day. Word got back to Oprah that Lindsay Lohan is costing production money by canceling shoots and showing up late, so during a scheduled “check-in” at White Oprah’s Long Island Den of Delusion, the Mighty O spits a couple of fuck words at LiLo’s rubber corpse face. LiLo serves Oprah the usual eye roll-worthy crap when she, a trick whose heart can’t beat without a camera in her face, says that it’s taking her some time getting used to the cameras and she’s never shot a reality show before. This bitch is getting paid way too much money to let cameras follow her around and she still finds something to bitch about. If you or me showed up to our first day on a job and left after 25 minutes, because we needed more time to adjust to working, a pink slip would be shoved up our b-holes before we even put the key in our car in the parking lot. But LiLo needs time.
So Oprah tells LiLo that if she doesn’t want to do this, the cameras will go away and they’ll all go their separate ways. Oprah also reminds LiLo that this is probably her last shot and she needs to cut the bullshit. LiLo eventually says it’s what she wants and that was Oprah’s assistant’s cue to call the movers at LiLo’s SoHo apartment to let them know they don’t have to put that trick’s ugly stuff on the curb… yet.
I do love a good Oprah smack down, but she was acting like she really cares about LiLo when we all know she mostly cares about the show, her network and the money she spent on this crap. It’s almost like Oprah was speaking in code to LiLo. Here’s what Oprah said and what I heard:
What Oprah said: “When you change a schedule you know what happens. You’re a professional woman. It’s not just for you, you got a whole team of people who are relying on YOU right now for this particular experience. For creating this documentary. If you don’t want that, then change that. That’s what I’m saying. If you don’t want it, it’s okay.”
What I heard: “You professional fuck-up! If you keep costing mama money, I’m going to put your skank ass out on the streets where it belongs and I’ll sue the bootleg fillers right out of your ungrateful lips.”
What Oprah said: “You are going to have to prove the naysayers wrong, you really are. The vultures are waiting to pick your bones. And that shouldn’t frighten you, that should liberate you. That should liberate you. Because if I were you, I wouldn’t let them have me.”
What I heard: “If you don’t start pretending like you’re not a fuck-up and continue to humiliate me in front of the naysayers, there won’t be anything for the vultures to pick, because I would’ve already ripped the crack-coated white meat right off of your bones, bitch.”
What Oprah: “I believe that you believe that this is your time to turn things around for yourself. I believe that. I believe you when you told me that. If that is the case, then you are not going to fuck it up.”
What I heard: “This is your last shot, hussy. If you fuck with me, you won’t even be able to get a job as a substitute fluffer for Brazzers. You cost production one more cent and I will cancel the show and cancel YOUR LIIIIIIFE. That is your truth, that is my truth, that is THEE truth.”
And on next week’s episode, the real Oprah has a word with White Oprah and I can’t wait. I hope the real Oprah gives it to the fake Oprah and only one Oprah comes out alive. Don’t fuck it up, Oprah.
“Um, is that a new kind of coke? Why hasn’t my dealer told me about that one. I’ll kill him!” - LiLo
Last night, OWN shat out the trailer for their reality show, which should be called Lindsay: I’m Just Doing This For The Check (alternate title: Oprah: I’m Just Doing This For The Ratings), and it shows us Lindsay Lohan in a completely different light! By that I mean we see her in daylight. We usually see her trolling the dark streets at nighttime.
The first part shows us the broken ginger record queefing at the mouth about how she’s sick of being a drunken mess, White Oprah with her head stuck all the way up her culo, Michael Lohan being the oozing pussy pimple that he is and more of the same crap we’ve all seen and heard a million times before. The second part is The Mighty O slapping LiLo’s crackie zombie face with some truth after that mess does what she always does. Before Oprah gives it to LiLo straight, there’s a scene of her in her chariot with my favorite, Sherry Ensalada, and Sherry tells her about how Lilo has been a pain in everyone’s taint. Oprah says, “This is exactly what everybody said was going to happen and I believed differently.” Aunt Bunny, can I get GUURRRL PLEASE?! Oprah knew LiLo was going to be unreliable and she probably wanted LiLo to be unreliable, so she could sweep in and tell that mess off in front of the cameras and everyone would be like, “You tell her, Oprah! You always speak the truth, Oprah! You’re everyone’s savior, Oprah!” Oprah, YOU need to cut the bullshit. (Future headline: Skinny Fat Gay Blogger Goes Missing – A Pillar Of Salt Found In Front Of His Desk)
With all that being said, I’m still going to watch every second of this same old shit mess, because the sober coach’s down eyes followed by an, “ummmm,” when he’s asked if LiLo’s still sober SOLD ME.
And LiLo totally sold herself short when she said, “I know this is my last shot of doing what I love to do.” She still has plenty of years of stealing necklaces and slapping hos in clubs ahead of her!
My favorite tia’s name is Lupita, and so I have a special love for Lupita Nyong’o and I usually think that she could do no wrong and is the epitome of goddess. This entire awards show season, Lupita has killed hos with her elegance and I really thought there was no way she could fuck up fashion-wise. I thought that Lupita could show up to an award show with CROCs heels and a cinched Snuggie gown and we’d all get on our knees and worship her sophistication. But I learned something new today, Lupita can do wrong.
At the NAACP Awards in Pasadena, CA yesterday, Lupita showed up with Bram Stoker’s Dracula hair and a dress that looked like it was made of orange Fruit Roll-Ups, wrappers and all. She looks like a dehydrated mango slice. I shouldn’t look at Lupita and think, “Magatu’s long-lost love child, is that you, girl?” Also, that fugly dress isn’t doing good things to her chichis.
With all that being said, Lupita was still the hottest and probably best-dressed trick there. I mean, The Mighty O wore a tent dress that was designed by Coleman and Kerry Washington wore a dress that a knocked up 11th grader would wear to her junior prom. So Lupita won best dressed of the night by default.
And click here to see all the winners. ANGELA BASSETT WAS RAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-BBDED!
Even The Mighty O is intrigued by this black-swan-casket-skirt-biker-shorts disaster.
The best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under shredded jean shorts with a Body Glove tank top and British Knights. The second best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under a dress that looks like an ornate gothic nightie that was scrunched up in the corner of an attic and was used as a bed by a bunch of crows. Adele Exarchopoulos knows what I’m talking about. Adele Exarchopoulos won Best Young Actor at the Critics’ Choice Awards in Santa Monica for her performance in Coochie Is The Warmest Color and she made every Academy voter fist themselves without lube for not nominating her for Best Actress. If she wore this to a third tier awards show, imagine what she would’ve worn to the OSCAHS! When dressing for the Critics’ Choice Awards, hos usually stroll to their dirty laundry basket, pick up whatever’s at the top and put it on. They do their makeup in the car. They don’t give three shits while dressing for that crap. So if Adele wore this, I’m guessing she would’ve worn a Hypercolor catsuit and Airwalk Jim heels to the Oscars.
Adele looks like she was cycling in a race when she crashed into a walking funeral procession for a fallen drag queen before landing into a bunch of black pigeons taking a nap together. It is the look. You can never go wrong with sequins and biker shorts.
Here’s more pictures from that shit last night including Jeremy Renner pinching his nipples for the photographers and Abigail Breslin looking like a 50-year-old brothel madam.