It’s 2017. Donald Trump is our president, Antonio Sabato Jr. is running for Congress, and Kid Rock could make it to the Senate. Hell, at this point, Kirk Cameron should just get appointed as Secretary of Defense, and every insufferable F-list white dude will be in Washington! But look into your Democratic Party crystal ball for 2020, and you might find Oprah. Continue reading
If you looked out your window today and saw a bunch of lighting bolts shooting down from the heavens, that was from God striking bitches down for having the audacity to correct Oprah!
The Mighty O sent one of her minions (Gayle King) out into her garden to pick something fresh for her to pose with, and after another minion (Gayle King again) took a picture of her with her harvest, she posted it onto Instagram with the caption: “What to do with all this Dill?#HarvestDay.” The only herb I really have in my house right now is the good shit and even I know that’s not dill. Some brave and bold souls let The Mighty O know that she was wrong and one of them was Jamie Oliver who earned a million YouInDangerGirl.GIFs by daring to school thee Oprah! via The Cut
Two things are probably going to happen. 1. In the near future, Oprah will throw a dinner party and serve her guests roasted, slow-fried, finely sliced Oliver meat with olive oil, salt and pepper. And 2. The next time you go to the grocery store, fennel will be labeled as “dill.” Yes, fennel is dill now. The Mighty O has ruled.
Mo’Nique may be an Oscar winner, but her most prized trophy is probably the lifetime achievement award she got from the Don’t Give A Fuck Society. If Lee Daniels ever does a sequel to Precious called Precious II: Preciouser, Oprah will probably be the one wearing a tracksuit as Mary, because Mo’Nique blew up that bridge and buried its ashes in a grave at the bottom of the ocean. Mo’Nique’s jaw bone must be a next-level kind of strong, because she worked it out while going off on how Lee Daniels told her that she wasn’t getting good roles after winning the Oscar for Precious because she was blackballed for being difficult to work with. Mo’Nique says she was supposed to play Cookie in Lee Daniels’ Empire and the role that Oprah played in The Butler was originally hers.
Lee also supposedly told Mo’Nique that she didn’t play the game. He also pretty much confirmed to The Hollywood Reporter in 2015 that he’s fucking done with Mo’Nique professionally. But Mo’Nique isn’t done calling him out and this weekend, she also dragged Oprah and Tyler Perry into it. I raise my hands and praise any David who goes up against one Goliath (let alone three), but even I’m dropping my arms so that I can use one hand to cup Mo’Nique ear and say, “Err, I don’t know if you want to find yourself acting alongside Mr. Fluffy in a kitty litter commercial.”
Since The Mighty O has a legion of devoted followers and she has the power to bring down industries, she’s been asked about running for President of the United States and she’s always waved that thought away and said, “not in this lifetime.” But Oprah is now looking at the Oval Office like, “hmmm,” since the current POTUS has less government experience than a 4th grade student council secretary.
First Kanye, now Oprah! What is happening?!
This morning, Oprah Winfrey went to her bathroom, turned on the light, slowly walked to her mirror and upon seeing her reflection, did not recognise who she saw and had to ask, “Harpo, who dis woman?” because she just lost $21 million.
As you may now, Oprah made $12.5 million for one tweet where she screamed about how much bread she can still eat. She lost almost double that. The slump means that the value of Oprah’s stake in the company dropped by $21 million. However, she’s seen a gain of roughly $75 million since entering the partnership.
But who are we kidding, Oprah isn’t going to notice $21 million. That’s a drop in the damn prop comedy oversized bucket that is her vast wealth! Good for you, Oprah. Eat that bread and don’t bat an eye at that drop! Besides, it’s not really her loss, it’s an on paper stock sort of thing. That shit could skyrocket any day. Ugh. Stocks. Amirite?
Last October, Oprah reached into her cleavage and pulled out a measly $43.2 million to buy a 10% stake (around 6.4 million shares) in Weight Watchers. As part of the deal, she became the new face of Weight Watchers. As Oprah’s already obese bank accounts get fatter, she says that she’s getting skinnier thanks to WW.
If I was a multi-billionaire like The Mighty O, I’d just stay fat and spend my days watching the full cast of Showgirls perform the movie live and in front of me as my trophy husbands, Alexander Skarsgard and Idris Elba, fed me freshly made Double-Doubles from the In-N-Out in my basement. But Oprah claims she’s doing the WW program and yesterday she said in a tweet that she’s lost 26 pounds so far and she’s done it while eating bread every day. OPRAH. LOVES. BREAD.
— Oprah Winfrey (@Oprah) January 26, 2016
I wasn’t really impressed by that tweet because I’m sure she instantly loses 26 pounds when she takes off her casual daytime diamonds before bedtime. But Oprah’s words are still so powerful that she can tweet about eating bread and make $12.5 million after doing so. Market Watch says that after that bread-loving tweet went up at 12:09pm EST, Weight Watchers’ stock jumped up to 20 percent over the course of one hour. The stock was at $11.35 a share before her tweet and it ended at $13.29 a share. The Mighty O made $12.5 million in one hour. Of course the stock is going to drop, so expect Oprah to bring it back up in a couple of days by tweeting about how she lost 27 pounds while eating cake. Two days after that, she’ll bring up the stock more by tweeting about how she lost 28 pounds while eating pizza. And after she runs out of food to tweet about, she’ll just post that bees GIF and I’m sure that’ll make the stock jump up 40%.
When Oprah tweets about her love of bread, she makes $12 million. When I tweet about my love of bread, my mom e-mails me a copy of the flat belly diet. Life, it isn’t fair.