For one quick second last night, I thought this was Audrina Patridge in an Xtina wig, but I should’ve known that Audrina doesn’t have the balls (or sense of style) to wear a DIYI ensemble made out of a pink bed sheet, pit balls stolen from a Chuck E. Cheese and a couture tube top borrowed from Frenchy Morgan’s closet.
This is a pop singer named Girl Crush and before yesterday she was best known as “WHO?” Actually, she’s still known as “WHO?“, but now she’s known as a “WHO?” who showed nearly everyone up at last night’s Grammys. Girl Crush showed everyone that you don’t need thousands of dollars worth of jewels and designer shit to rule the red carpet. All you need is charisma, a hot glue gun and a trustworthy friend who will drive the getaway car after you run out of Chuck E. Cheese with a trash bag full of pit balls. Girl Crush looks like a cross between Molecule Ball Barbie and an off-brand Candy Land doll sold exclusively at select Family Dollar stores.
Since Girl Crush couldn’t sit in that gumball machine gown, she probably learned up against a wall for all 568 hours of the Grammys. But that’s a small price to pay for getting to wear a gorgeous and expertly-made ensemble that had more blue balls than a Smurf bathhouse. Wait, do Smurfs have nutsacks? And no lie, my browser quit after I typed that last question. It probably knew I was about to Google, “Naked man Smurf.”
And I also threw in pictures of regular Grammy attention whore and proud Scientologist, Joy Villa, who trolled in a Trump dress. Her shameless trolling paid off, because her EP hit the #1 spot on iTunes. But Trump’s supporters shouldn’t be impressed with Joy’s dress unless it was made in China, like many of Trump’s products.
Here’s Britney Spears at a pre-Grammys party Clive Davis threw to honor BET head Debra Lee. That dress is definitely… a choice. It gives the illusion that you can almost see Britney’s up-top, and her beautiful womanly mystery down below. But let’s look at those eyes. That is a thousand-yard stare if I’ve ever seen one. I’m not sure what drugs they’ve currently got tethering the poor girl to reality so she can keep the money rolling in, but they might want to decrease the dosage just a scooch. I think she can see through walls. Unless she just came from the optometrist’s and had her eyes dilated. Let’s go with that.
Check out more pics of Brit Brit in the gallery below.
Some of us can barely reach behind us to shut off a light without fear of dislocating shoulders, yet there is someone out there LIMBOING under an SUV and out the other side! You don’t see that happening on a Carnival Cruise ship!
Dallas, Texas’ news channel WFAA is hosting a video of Shemika Charles, the limbo queen to end all limbo queens in down-to-ground and then-some action. Does she win voguing battles? She should. Please note that she’s also carrying two trays of drinks!
Check out video from a recent stunt at a New York car dealership. Shemika limbos UNDER an SUV while holding two trays of drinks. And she didn’t spill a single drop!
Shemika, who is from Trinidad and Tobago, is known around the world for her limbo feats. She holds two world records, including lowest limbo (8.5 inches) and furthest distance in the limbo position (10.1 feet at 12 inches high).
You can follow Shemika and her limboing adventures on Twitter! If I was a car salesman, I would always have Shemika on hand to do this trick to delight and fascinate my potential customers into buying.
Check out Shemika the Limbo Queen putting her back into it below.
It’s been over three years since Pope Francis announced that the Catholic church was dissolving all marriages. At the time, Pope Francis said that the sanctity of marriage obviously doesn’t exist if a creep-faced creeper and his teen bride can’t make it. Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison broke up, but a few months later, they proved that true love always prevails and they announced that they were back together. Prepare for the Pope to announce the death of marriage once again. Because at OK! Magazine’s pre-Grammy party last night, Courtney told Entertainment Tonight that she and Doug are as separated as her right tit and left tit. In other words, they’re beyond separated.
22-year-old Courtney and 56-year-old Doug split up two months ago, but they’re still living together. UsWeekly also posted a picture of the pristine dew drop hugging on some dude at OK!’s party.
When Courtney and her make-up-less clown of a husband broke up the first time, it felt one hundred percent real and not at all staged. It also feels real this time and I’m sure they’re not just pretending to be broken up so that Courtney can pitch a dating show to Vh1 called Porn Iguana of Love. And Courtney really should’ve dropped Creepy Doug a long time ago. She’s the Marilyn Monroe, Zsa Zsa Gabor and Jayne Mansfield of our time, so she should be on her third husband by now. At least.
Fifty Shits Darker comes out this week, so Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson are on their latest “Pretend Like We Sort Of Kind Of Like Each Other” press tour.
Jamie and Dakota were in Madrid yesterday where he looked like he’s trying to hold in the internal screams that are aching to burst out of him. (But doesn’t he always look like that?) And Dakota and her stylist pulled a good move. They decided that the best way to temporarily distract everyone from the turd fumes wafting off of Fifty Shades is to wear the loudest dress possible.
This Gucci dress is something Evan Rachel Wood’s character would wear if HBO did a crossover episode between Westworld and Vinyl (RIP). If Loretta Lynn and a rival had a showdown at sunset and their weapons of choice were hot glue guns and sequins, this is what Loretta would look like after losing. That dress is all ruffles and all “spoiled 5-year-old girl from the 1970s.” What I’m trying to say is that Nicole Kidman is probably going to pick up her phone and delete her stylist’s number. How could Nicole’s stylist let Dakota get a hold of this dress first?!
And I hated that ruffle bukkake of a dress until I saw the back:
This may be a secret message. Dakota Johnson hates Jamie Dornan so much, it’s like flames, flames, flaaaames on the back of her back.
And here’s more of Jamie looking fifty shades of ecstatic while posing with Dakota at the Madrid premiere yesterday, and also at the London premiere tonight.
During the Super Bowl, a couple of promos for Ryan Murphy’s Feud aired. No, they weren’t at all out of place. They fit in perfectly since this year’s Super Bowl was the gayest event of 2017. I mean, it had Lady Gaga, men in tights and a dramatic plot twist.
As everyone knows by now, the first season of Feud is all about the battle royale that Bette Davis and Joan Crawford busted out while making Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? One of the promos shows Catherine Zeta-Jones camping it up to kingdom come as Olivia de Havilland and the other one shows Bette Davis (Susan Sarandon) kick at Joan Crawford (Jessica Lange) while shooting a scene. Ryan Murphy really made the wrong decision when he didn’t get Alaska and Alyssa Edwards to do that scene for Susan and Jessica.