Brad Pitt is in Tokyo promoting his new movie War Machine (I originally typed “Whore Machine,” which is a great title for a Katrashian documentary), and I see that he’s still trying to convince us that he’s renewed and a changed trick by dressing like a born again who was just baptized and now looks at the world through rose-colored glasses. Or maybe Brad isn’t trying to punch our brains with that message again and he just really wanted to look like a Backstreet Boy who can’t let go of the glory days.
Brad Pitt is also a cigarette away from looking like a member of The Guilty Remnant, that cult from The Leftovers. Mr. Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux, is on The Leftovers. So I’ll be really disappointed if the tabloids don’t somehow try to link Brad dressed like an extra from The Leftovers to wanting Jen back. Don’t let me down, tabloids!
Since Salma Hayek is married to a billionaire, that better not be one of Katy Perry’s old ones. That wig better be made from a mane that was donated by an actual pastel pink unicorn. Or a wig made from the pubes of the actual Jem.
At the Women in Motion party at Cannes last night, Salma worked a cotton candy lace front while posing with her billionaire husband and Isabelle Huppert on the black carpet. That wig isn’t the look, but Salma obviously disagrees with me, because She. Is. Feeling. Her. Self. Throw a pink wig on Salma Hayek and suddenly she’s come hither-ing for her life.
And yesterday when my hungover eyes saw these pictures in thumbnail form on the photo agency’s website, I thought it was Kylie Jenner wearing more bronzer than usual. I hope I’m the only one who thought that and nobody told Salma they reminded her of Kylie Jenner. Because if they did, she’d torch that wig and get a new face installed on her head so nobody would ever say the words, “You kind of remind me of Kylie Jenner tonight,” to her again. And honestly, that’d be a reasonable reaction.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson hosted the Saturday Night Live season finale last night and announced he was running for president, as he threatened in GQ. He also brought out America’s Dad Tom Hanks and announced him as his running mate. I’m on board.
Right now, I’d stump for a facecloth, or a teacup poodle or an impacted molar for POTUS at this point. Literally, ANYTHING would be better than the “berzerker child” option with which America went. Check out The Rock’s monologue, below.
SNL also revisited their post-election cold open. This time, instead of Kate McKinnon covering Hillary Clinton covering Leonard Cohen, it was Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump and the rest of the cast as his administration and family (with a surprise cameo from Scarlett Johansson as Ivanka “Complicit” Trump). Here it is:
Wait, SNL’s done for the season? Where am I going to get my news? Will Anderson Cooper keep insulting the president’s lackeys on CNN? Can we get confirmation on that? That could be my sole news source now if he keeps being a shady lady to stupids.
Of course he cried! This is the white witch! The white-winged dove! She IS Rhiannon, the story of a Welsh witch!
Harry Styles, who seems to be quickly reaching a Tay Tay Swift-level of omnipresence lately, was joined by Stevie Nicks at his show at L.A.’s Troubador, last night. They dueted on one of his songs, and two of hers – “Leather and Lace” and “Landslide.” Landslide is already a tearjerker, but then sing it with Stevie herself and try not to fall apart. They should have done “Edge of Seventeen,” because I wanted to see Harry try and match Stevie’s microphone kicks and shawl twirling and fail miserably.
Watch Harry fall apart (at the 4:35 mark), below.
And be sure and clock Stevie’s truly formidable platform boots in that video. Stevie is 68 years old and wearing boots that would snap the ankles of these lesser chicks. She is a goddamn treasure.
The brown-haired, dead-eyed wooden model named Bella Hadid is currently at Cannes. And the other brown-haired, dead-eyed wooden model named Emily RideAJetski is also at Cannes, and at yesterday’s premier of Nelyubov, she dropped massive amounts of black lace under-titty classiness on the red carpet. That’s a whole lot of look, but it’s Cannes! If you’re not delivering a whole lot of look, take your ass to the People’s Choice Awards. Although, since Emily is permanently suffering from a severe case of dehydration, she’d wear this to the People’s Choice Awards too.
It looks like some of the worst trends simultaneously caca’d all over Emily. Underboob? Check! Chichis window? Check! Nude illusion? Check!
On I Love Lucy, Lucy would sometimes wear this glamorous sheer housecoat thing over cigarette pants and it was a perfect vision of elegance, and Emily RideAJetSki’s look is like the NastyDress.com version of that. This is something Sophia Loren would’ve worn back in the day if she was tacky, on a budget and suffered from narcolepsy so she needed a fluffy duvet handy for quick naps.
And just when you thought that Emily RideAJetSki reached the pinnacle of elegance with this look, she faced the front and showed off a crotch seam that looks like a never-ending sparkly landing strip (see: first picture in the gallery and prepare to be hit by the classiness of it all).
Here’s more from the Nelyubov premiere and I also threw in pictures from today’s Okja premiere because I just couldn’t ignore Tilda Swinton looking like a glorious albino alien mother of the bride.
Pics: Backgrid, Wenn.com
Does anybody know someone in the Southern California area who can tint my car windows pitch black on the cheap? Because I’ve already caused many drivers to suffer secondhand embarrassment while watching me sing and dance to some little pop star’s song and I don’t want to do that to more innocent drivers who may catch me singing and dancing to Selena Gomez’s new song. The drivers of Southern California have been through enough!
Yesterday, Selena Gomez teased a piece of her new single Bad Liar and it was clear she sampled Talking Heads’ Psycho Killer. That made me prematurely raise an angry fist. But the full song was released today and I actually like it. This isn’t the first Selena Gomez song that I’ve liked either. Or the second. God, help me.
There is a majorly thick “Harpo, who dis woman?” vibe floating around the song. First of all, in her single’s artwork, that’s a freshly showered Miley Cyrus lying on a cot in a mental hospital and you can’t tell me otherwise. Second of all, a baby Regina Spektor is singing this song and you also can’t tell me otherwise.
Justin Tranter and Julia Michaels, who wrote the song, told Variety that they all love Talking Heads so they decided to use the bassline from Psycho Killers. Selena’s label apparently played the song for David Byrne and he gave it his stamp of approval and also tweeted about it today. Talking Heads’ bass player Tina Weymouth, who created that bassline, also seemed to be okay with it by saying, “It’s good to be appreciated.”
Oh, and I don’t need car tinter recommendations after all. I’ll just hide the embarrassing sight of my sad car dancing by painting my windows with black house paint.