In this clip from Tastefully Offensive, which stars Instagram model Ganmo the Persian cat from Japan, the role of me is being played by that lazy pussy and the role of life is being played by that cat toy. When life hits me in the face over and over again, I think about getting up and taking that evil bitch on, but then I realize that doing so requires energy and a little thing called “giving a fuck,” so I just take another nap.
Ganmo’s human filmed and uploaded a video of him being a lazy hero to lazies everywhere by refusing to get up as a toy slaps him in the head over and over and over again. That toy is an “interactive pet camera and teaser” that costs $229, so Ganmo’s not the one getting screwed, his humans are. They spent that much money on a toy that Ganmo couldn’t give one fuck about.
But seriously, RIP to Ganmo’s humans, the phone they used to record this, that toy and the makers of that toy. Because they will feel Ganmo’s wrath for their part in committing pussy abuse. Ganmo will git them…. as soon as he finishes taking his 985th nap of the day.
My dog is almost 16 years old (that’s “Larry King” in dog years) and so he’s either reached the age where he can’t hold his piss anymore or he’s reached the age where he doesn’t give a shit enough to hold his piss. So whenever he’s inside, he’s gotta wear a diaper (he’s my current fashion icon, honestly). Yesterday was the first time in a long time when he didn’t piss in his pooch Pamper. He must’ve been feeling extra fresh and gorgeous, which explains why it looked like he was thinking to himself, “That raggedy homely thing ain’t got shit on me,” when he looked up at the screen as I watched the crowning of the winner of the 142nd Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last night.
Above is Zac Efron looking like Zac Efron (aka a boring piece of pretty-faced cardboard that’s been injected with gallons of HGH).
And below is Zac Efron looking like South Florida’s least popular George Michael impersonator whose main job was being an Insane Clown Posse roadie before he got fired for selling bootleg bath salts to the Juggalos. In other words: Zac Efron has never achieved this kind of Panty Creaming status before. If his Sun-In-damaged pompadour doesn’t make your fuck parts scream aoooga, then his zen garden beard (or lines of coke beard, depending how you look at it) and look-for-less Jared Leto outfit will. Zac looks like the kind of dude who regularly answers Tampa area Craigslist Casual Encounters ads from old men looking to suck straight dick in exchange for a 4-count of Monster Energy Drink.
— Angie (@nyefrongirls) February 10, 2018
And of course Zac looks like that for a Harmony Korine movie. That’s what it looks like when you get Korine’d (ask James Franco). IMDB says that The Beach Bum is about a stoner named Moondog (played by Matthew McConaughey) who lives by his own rules and goes on some kind of journey or whatever. It also stars Isla Fisher and Snoop Dogg. Zac plays some mess named Flicker, and I’m going to guess that Flicker is a Vanilla Ice cover rapper named Nilla Wafer Sludge. Get him the Oscar (or Razzie) now!
You know where this is going…
We’re living in a time when the ~eDgieSt~ and most controversial movie out isn’t the movie that’s supposed to be about BDSM (although, it’s not hard to be edgier than Fifty Shits Feed since that mess is about as edgy a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs). The most controversial movie out is Peter Fucking Rabbit.
Peter Rabbit is currently #2 at the domestic box office, but if a bunch of OUTRAGED parents get their wish, it will quickly slide into the gutter of flop movies where it belongs. CNN says that parents of children with life-threatening allergies are boycotting Peter Rabbit for allergy-shaming. There’s a scene where Peter Rabbit and his friends pretty much try to kill their rival Mr. McGregor by launching blackberries into his mouth with a slingshot. Mr.McGregor is allergic to blackberries so he goes into anaphylactic shock and has to stab himself with an EpiPen. The Kids With Food Allergies Foundation think it wasn’t not funny for the movie to make fun of food allergies like that. Sony has apologized, but it seems like the scene is staying.
Meanwhile, as everyone RAGES over Peter Rabbit being a cunty allergy-shaming piece of fluffy trash, I’m over here wondering why nobody seems to be talking about Peter Rabbit ass raping a human with a carrot. I didn’t know that Darren Aronofsky ghost-directed the Peter Rabbit movie.
There is something so disgusting about this item, yet utterly fascinating and irresistible at the same time. This is something I might order and play with in secret like it’s pornography! It’s like a toy for a Garbage Pail Kid! BoingBoing has presented us with the Pop It Pal that turns you into a regular Dr. Pimple Popper. It’s a toy created by married couple Billy and Summer Pierce, who obviously know what perversion lurks in the hearts of men. Here’s how they came up with it:
You see, one day, my wife and I were driving down the road.
“How awesome would it be if we could make a pimple that felt real and the pop was huge, just like those videos we watch?”
I thought: “You might be on to something Dear.”
Maybe, just maybe, this means she would STOP picking on me all the time. Ladies and Gentlemen, I KNOW you know what I’m talking about.
So, I spent the next year figuring out how to make it happen.
You can watch a demonstration below. The toy costs $19.99. Pus refills are available for $5.99. That’s a sentence I never thought I’d type in this lifetime.
While watching dramatic ice-skating swan and proud Little Monster Johnny Weir showing Lady Gaga how Lady Gaga is really done on Lip Sync Battle, it might occur to you that THIS is what he’s wanted to do all along.
Never mind Olympic medals and judge’s scores. THIS is the moment for which Johnny Weir was hatched out of his Faberge egg! Lip-synching in drag! Johnny should leave judging those boring ice dancers to the lessers. He needs to take the stage at your local drag bar. He needs to become a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race and make those girls gag in unison over his fire. This isn’t just Gaga fish he’s giving us, it’s Gaga MERMAID.