Orlando Brown has been through it recently. And by ‘it’ I mean some kind of a heavy drug-induced psychosis. After being ignored for the That’s So Raven reboot because he thought Raven-Symone was still in love with him, Orlando got arrested by a bounty hunter who was chasing after him for skipping court on domestic abuse and controlled substance charges. So things have obviously been a wild ride post-Disney channel.
Back in May, Orlando revealed on social media that he had gone ahead and dove deep into the drugs by getting a tattoo of Raven’s face on his neck. Wonder if Raven saw this coming? Get it? Because she’s psychic? Well, she’s seen it now.
Entertainment Tonight caught up with Raven on the red carpet of the Radio Disney Music Awards and demanded a comment. When asked what she made of Orlando’s permanent reminder of her undying love she replied: “I make of… the second season of That’s So Raven will be coming out July 25! Bye!”
Look at her! This sexual tension is exhilarating. She was so flustered she thought that it was 2004! Raven is clearly in love with Orlando Brown, I see it now. What will their celebrity couple name be? Ralando Symbrown? Orven Browmone? They’ve got a few options!
File that headline under: A Title Found In The Animal Kingdom’s Version Of PornHub.
A human in the town of Aurora in Ontario, Canada took a video of a wild chipmunk they named Van Gogh (because of his notched ear), but they maybe should’ve named him Michelle Duggar since he can’t get enough of taking raw nut after raw nut. The chipmunk knows that the human will give him as many peanuts as he can handle, so for the past two summers, he’s shown up to store as much food as possible for the winter. The human gladly gives VG a quick pet and then feeds him as many peanuts he can stuff into his cheeks before he runs off to his burrow. If the human is still outside, he’ll come back for another fill-up. Here’s the video that is will stuff your brain with brand new information by showing you that chipmunks go nuts for nuts!
I was going to say that VG must be very popular with the other chipmunks, but the other chipmunks are probably like, “Bitch, please, we can all do that.” But I am going to say that VG should be pissed this video got out and is making the rounds. Because now instead of his cheeks getting filled with peanuts, they’re going to be filled with hot air as he gets pissed while waiting in line behind the dozens of chipmunks who have now discovered the Endless Peanut Wonderland of Aurora.
If nothing soothes your eardrums like the sound of a Chipette with a head cold screeching out a wail of pain while getting surgery without anesthesia after doing helium in a bathroom, then this Instagram clip is Valium for your ears.
Two minutes and four seconds doesn’t sound like a very long time. Even if you’re enduring something horrible, like getting your teeth cleaned or watching Donald Trump speak, you know that if you only have to endure it for 2:04, you’re gonna be ok. I’m here to tell you it is too long to take if you’re watching a drunk man trying to put his sweater on only his sweater is pants. Too long by far.
I think this video is supposed to be funny, but I could not laugh. I could only stare in awe as my chest compressed from proximal claustrophobia. Maybe you’ll fare better. Maybe you won’t be overcome with existential dread coupled with the words “please don’t let them be Polish, dear God I think they’re Polish” echoing through your head. I hope the next 2:04 are better for you than they were for me.
This could obviously happen to anybody. Once. Maybe twice. Three times I could even understand if you were really drunk enough. But I lost count at how many times he mummified his face in crotch seam. Dogged determination is one thing but dude, take a minute to reevaluate your situation! Regroup, take a few deep breaths, and come at this from a different angle. Even Sisyphus would have taken a break and considered dynamiting that rock to smithereens by this point. I thought it was gonna happen there for a second and I got so excited when he pulled them off and held them in front of his face, but nah.
And I wish a pox upon whoever filmed this. How dare you!? How dare you build all that tension and offer no release?! At a minimum, he could have giggled. But no, we are offered only 2:04 of angry words, a filthy room and suffocating man who will be trying to put his pants on his head on a perpetual loop in my head for all eternity.
“I’ve never been truly proud of creating the American flag until I saw this gorgeous picture,” said the ghost of Betsy Ross, or whoever is responsible for the American flag.
You know that fireworks show that caused your dog to break out of the yard, run to NASA and stowaway on a rocket because it thought the earth was being attacked by aliens? That fireworks show didn’t happen. You also know how you had to be rushed to the hospital after you drunkenly swallowed four corn dogs whole and the sticks got stuck in your insides (I’ll let you decide which hole you swallowed them down with)? That didn’t happen either, because the Fourth of July never happened. I mean, how could we celebrate America’s birthday when photo agencies barely released these patriotic-as-fuck pictures of this country’s greatest gift today?
But shove a bottle of Xanax into your dog’s mouth and drunkenly butt fuck those corn dogs, because we can now celebrate the Fourth of July since we’ve been graced with pictures of patriotic freckled blossom Phoebe Price doing what she does every year: giving the citizens of the land a show so spectacular that Macy’s is nothing but jealous.
Here’s this country’s founding mother modeling half of a Big Lots’ American flag section while in somebody’s townhouse. And yes, I said this country’s founding mother. This country didn’t officially become a thing until PP came along!
On nearly every Fourth of July for over a decade, Joey Chestnut has been my idol, because he gets to open up his mouth and gobble down wiener after wiener. I can’t even get one wiener to want to be gobbled down by me and Joey Chestnut can get dozens.
On Coney Island in New York today, the annual Look Starving People Of The World, In America We Eat For Fun Contest (aka Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest) went down, and since Joey Chestnut has the bowels of an industrial-strength InSinkErator, he won again. Joey won his 11th title, and since 2007, he’s only lost once to Matt Stonie. At first, judges counted 64 wieners and buns going down Joey’s throat, but I guess he’s just too quick for them, because they forgot to count one whole plate. Joey actually deep-throated 74 hot dogs in 10 minutes, beating the world record he set last year with 72.
On the women’s side, Miko Sudo won for the fifth year in a row by swallowing 37 franks and buns. My favorite mega eater of all-time, Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas came in third place with 26. She’s still the Queen of Hot Dog Gobblin’, though, thanks to the 45 hot dogs she ate in 2012.
In case you really want to get into a bunch of growns pushing the barf back into their bodies with dozens of wieners and wet buns, here’s the video of all of today’s madness. Meanwhile, at the Scientology Bath House, the boys are pff-ting at these amateur wiener swallowers.
And during your Fourth of July celebrations today, make sure to pour out some of your hot dog water-tini for the toilets in Coney Island who will lose their lives today.