If Beyonce ever releases Lemonade 2, the record should be a concept album about Amber Asalay’s impromptu birthday dinner on NYC’s J train on Wednesday night. This all happened because the restaurant reservations her friends had made for her birthday fell through. THIS is how you do it when life gives you lemons!
If Amelia Earhart crashed her plane onto an island ruled by a cult who considers Missy Elliott their God and they took her falling from the sky as a sign and declared her as their Pontiff, this is what she would look like.
This is the way Meg Ryan announced she’s engaged to John Mellencamp. Earlier today, The Daily Mail posted pictures of Meg out and about in NYC with a set of wedding-looking rings on her ring finger.
Meg Ryan, 56 steps out with diamond ring on THAT finger https://t.co/YvCpXSbkXr
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) November 8, 2018
Naturally, some people assumed that Meg and John got married. Meg cleared up that rumor by posting the little illustration above to her Instagram account with the caption: “ENGAGED.” Meg and John have been together off and on since 2011, with a Christie Brinkley break in there somewhere. This will be Meg’s second marriage (her first husband was Dennis Quaid), whereas this will be John’s third.
About that picture, I don’t look forward to sleeping tonight, because I know that thing is going to have a starring role in my nightmares. It looks like it was drawn with the chewed-down nub of a golf pencil on gas station restroom paper towel. What pictures were used for reference? Because I’m seeing less Meg and more Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands after a botched hand transplant surgery. And John looks like Thomas Markle with his mouth stitched shut. I’m sure that’s something that’s been doodled on Kensington Palace stationary hundreds of times.
Before (or while) you feel the blood in your arteries boil with nervousness while watching the results of the midterm elections, soothe your nerves, soul, and entire being with a video of Bingo The Otter luxuriating in a luxurious bath while a sumptuous waterfall of sparkling water trickles on his fur. Calgon, take yourself away, because your services are no longer needed now that we have soothing videos of an otter getting soothed by water.
When Julia Roberts showed up to the 1999 premiere of Notting Hill and SCANDALIZED THE WORLD by flashing some bushy armpits (that was the day we all learned that women actually grow hair there!!!!), most people figured she was either auditioning for an open slot at Lilith Fair or was just trying to show us twinks (what?! I used to be one before I discovered Chick-fil-A) there was hope to one day become a cub. Alas, she just told Busy Philipps it was neither of those.
The Philadelphia Flyers (they’re a hockey team for you non-sportsball people) introduced a terrifying new mascot back in September named Gritty. He looks sort of like if you crossed a fed-after midnight Mogwai with Cousin It and put it in a pair of skates. Despite Gritty’s fearsome countenance, Flyers fans seem to have embraced the big cracked-out lug. Vice Sports (via Mashable) reports that 25-year-old James Kirn embraced Gritty so much that he got him tattooed on his butt cheek. And we’re not just talking a tiny thumbnail sorta falling off his hip on to his ass. We’re talking his whole buttock is now Gritty the Indescribable Hockey Mascot. Jimmy, what were you thinking? Spoiler alert – Jimbo was shitfaced.
Kirn told Vice Sports that he was originally supposed to get Gritty tattoos with a friend after “quite a few” beers — weird display of friendship, but OK — but the friend backed out.
“And the next thing I know I’m face down getting my ass tattooed,” he said in the interview.
If I had a nickel for every time I got drunk and ended up face down and getting my ass [redacted]. Jimmy’s family fully supports his new claim to fame. In fact, they plan to be a whole clan of ass-tattooed sports freaks.
Apparently his brother and sister loved the idea so much, it inspired them to get the Phillie Phanatic and Sixers mascot tatted on their respective butts. His 13-year-old brother wants to get the Eagles mascot inked on his behind when he’s of age, and the siblings have plans to take a twisted group photo.
There’s no word on what Ma and Pa Kirn might have inscribed on THEIR asses. But, suffice to say, you probably don’t want to go bar-hopping with these people. Or do you?
Those of you who are cool with crack can check out the full glory of James Kirn’s ass tat of Gritty after the jump: