There are few things more powerful on this earth than three black women of a certain age, standing in a circle. This is called an Auntie Triptych and it has the power to create life, destroy life and hand you a banging plate to go. One does not fuck with an AT, and you don’t summon their powers unless you have a damn good reason. Say for instance, Taylor Swift does a cover of Earth, Wind & Fire’s September, the sacred song of the Aunties. That would be a good reason.
If anybody had any doubts about Taylor’s breathy rendition of the classic and its impact on the culture, this Auntie Triptych offer their official ruling.
These Black Women listening to Taylor Swift’s cover of “September” by Earth, Wind, and Fire is SENDING ME 😭😂😭😂😭😂😭 pic.twitter.com/TIFm2137OT
— The Vixen of Gay T W I T T E R✊🏾 (@_TheRealKareem_) April 18, 2018
As you can see, Taylor’s September caused the assembled AT to assume the forms of Pressed, Perplexed and Amused. Pressed, the Auntie in the red vest, probably has Taylor out looking for a switch right now. Perplexed, the one on the left, looks like she just smelled a fart and can’t believe a fart could really be that nasty. Did somebody actually shit themselves in here? Amused will probably wake up cackling for years to come remembering that time that little blond girl tried to come for September.
Official Auntie Triptych Ruling: Quit messin’.
Victoria Beckham turned 44 yesterday, and she celebrated like any normal person would, with cake! Except since it’s Posh Spice, a woman who looks like she gets the heaves when she passes the butter in the grocery store, her version of cake isn’t actually cake.
Posh showed us a few years ago that her preferred delivery system for birthday wishes is with a plate of fruit. And it would appear not much has changed; Posh Instagrammed a video of her birthday celebration yesterday, and she’s still got fruit. Except some evil person played a trick on Posh by arranging the fruit into the shape of a cake. Also, please enjoy who is most likely Harper Beckham singing like a British child choir.
I’ve seen watermelon cakes before, which I refuse to acknowledge as a cake, because to me, fruit and Cool Whip is technically more of a cruel, food-based prank. So Posh can keep her plate of fruit. Although I doubt she kept much of it. It was a kind gesture, but it just looks too much like a cake still. Posh didn’t get that nickname for nothing; she thinks cake is for toddlers and unsophisticated tourists at the Times Square Applebee’s. But that’s not to say she didn’t indulge. I bet the bottom of that candle had some delicious watermelon juice on the end that she slurped off, before dabbing at the corners of her mouth and giggling at her own sheer gluttony.
While taking a break from trying to steal baby’s milk and purring out a dusty relic of a song about being Siamese, two Siamese cats from Russia got themselves into a major, major problem as their human filmed it. Each pussy started at the opposite end of the top of some entertainment unit-looking thing, and made their way across it. They eventually ran into each other and a real Nelly and Kelly Rowland song ensued. They realized they were stuck. What to do?
They could just live there forever at the top of Mt. Entertainment Unit. They could turn on each other and try to push one another to a possible death. Or they could join forces and jump onto their human before attacking their human for recording their troubles instead of helping them. You’d think it would be the third one. But those cats shocked us all by solving the problem with team work.
So those cunning pussies solved a problem without scratching each other’s eyes out, screaming at one another or destroying the other by leaking harmful into to the media? Further proof that cats should run the world.
Do your past mistakes and embarrassing behavior keep you up at night? Do scenarios where you’ve acted inappropriately or said something stupid run on continual loop of shame whenever you close your eyes? If so, Britney Spears has got a solution. According to Britney, “the secret to happiness: No memory”.
Ricky Martin presented Britney with a Vanguard award at the GLAAD Awards, so Access Hollywood reporter, Scott Evans (not that one) whipped out a 1999 picture of Ricky and Britney together and asked her what she remembered about the day the photo was taken. Britney’s answer: Not a Goddamn Thing.
I was hoping the ghost of Patrick Swayze would storm in and announce “nobody puts Britney in a corner” because she looks like she needed saving. Britney was joking, but her face is telling a harrowing tale throughout this interaction. She looks like she would chew her own leg off if it meant Scott would stop asking her to remember things. What he should have done was lay a trail of Cheetos to lure Britney into a safe space then calmly tell her where she was and what year it is. If he had done that, she probably wouldn’t have had to dismiss him like he was a rabid Jehovah’s Witness.
Adele is your girl who just wants to spend Saturday night in her sweatpants at home with good takeout, perhaps some wine, and some furious dancing in the den to ominversal majestrix Beyoncé headlining Coachella on the screen vee. Adele WORKED IT OUT! And she posted some of her hottest moves on Instagram.
At last night’s gathering, some friends and I sat around and watched some of the Coachella performances. What I took away from it was:
A) Oh god, I’m at the age where I don’t know anyone anymore and I used to be a music person.
B) You have to have some sort of wolf-related light-up facial gear or press play in just a bra and white denim shorts if you want to make it big out there in the desert. Oh, and…
Anyway, Twitter comedian Eric Turtle somehow got Walmart yodeling wunderkind Mason Ramsey on stage during a DJ named Waltham’s set. Or something, I don’t know. Young social media online celebrity culture can be confusing for us olds. The folks in the audience who were sober enough to still retain pop culture recall loved his lil’ yodeling self! So did least-talented toddler Justin Bieber. Mason proves that you don’t HAVE to sport just a bra to play a good set.
after the yodel kid followed me i dmed him to try and get him to come out as whethans guest at coachella. and it happened. ur welcome everyone. i love u mason and i love the internet pic.twitter.com/VSjLjS9mU4
— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) April 13, 2018