I was going to title this, “Dame Joan Collins And Her Little Fans,” but it’s only Monday and I don’t feel like going to urgent care. Because if I called Naomi Campbell one of Joan Collins’ “little fans,” my cell phone would definitely declare allegiance to her by throwing itself at my head.
Who cares about the Golden Globes itself when the real star power, glamour and impeccable wig game was at The Weinstein Company’s Golden Globes after-party. All of us who prayed for a Dynasty/Knots Landing crossover episode got a tiny glimpse of what could’ve been when Alexis Carrington and Abby Cunningham held court with special guest Naomi Campbell.
Imagine the power that was unlocked then Joan Collins, Donna Mills and Naomi Campbell joined forces. I bet that everyone left that party without a man or a company and had a face covered with champagne. Because as soon as The Glamour Villainess 3 formed, husbands broke up with their wives on the spot, crystal flutes full of champagne magically tossed themselves into faces and people received text messages from their business managers letting them know that three mystery moguls just bought the majority share of their company.
I mean, that Louvre-worthy picture of the three of them screams: We just took your man and your company without even trying, bitch!
The Golden Globes, Oscar’s high school dropout little brother who holds the record for getting kicked out of Dave & Buster’s the most times, are tonight. And that means it’s that time of year when many of us get drunk at home while watching drunk movie stars throw shady eyes at the peasants (read: people on TV). The flu has taken over my body, so I’ll probably be the one who gets so plastered on TheraFlu Sours (TheraFlu and whiskey) that I’ll be cheering for Lily Collins and Jonah Hill to win.
Don’t feel guilty about filling your eating hole with all kinds of deep fried deliciousness tonight, because you’ll burn at least 10,000 calories from rolling your eyes at everything the GGs host Jimmy Fallon does. Since Jimmy is hosting, he probably won’t make fun of the famous rich bitches in the room like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Ricky Gervais did. Jimmy will save his energy for kissing their asses and playing Wheel of Musical Impressions with Meryl Streep (as Florence Foster Jenkins). Actually, I’d be into that second one.
And now that leads me to today’s Open Post: the oh-so-scandalous speech that Bette Midler gave in 1980 when she won the Golden Globe for New Star of the Year in a Motion Picture for The Rose. Bette busted out a titty-licious Golden Globes pun and then acted like she was going to suck off her trophy. This speech is practically G-rated today, but apparently back in 1980, it made parents THINK OF THE CHILDREN by covering their kids’ eyes and ears.
That will forever be one of my favorite GG speeches, but I hope someone tops it tonight by actually deep throating their award. (I’m talking to you, Ryan Gosling.)
Jesus, get the polar bear some less slippy skates! Two mascots, Mitsubishi’s White Bear and the University of Minnesota’s Golden Gopher, were shooting a car commercial at Mariucci Arena in Minneapolis when the polar bear experienced some difficulty. He (at least I think it’s a he?) kept falling on his furry white ass! The Gopher busts his butt a couple of times, too. It’s the poor Arctic denizen, though, who just can’t keep upright. The worst part for the White Bear is at the very end. Bear WENT DOWN. I don’t care how padded that giant head is the guy’s wearing, dude is probably missing more teeth now than your average hockey player.
Watch the White Bear’s multiple mishaps below.
A Swedish creative called Snask has hooked up with a brewery called Pangpang to bring the world the FIRST EVER shower beer called Shower Beer! Shower Beer is pretty much the Fingos or beers, because every beer is already a shower beer.
The Indiana Pacers already tugged at Mariah Carey’s Spanx by making fun of her magnificent New Year’s Eve performance, and last night the San Antonio Spurs got in on the trolling fun. Coyotes are already sworn enemies of the lambs, but now they really are after one of them went for the Queen of the Lambs.
The Spurs’ mascot, The Coyote, tried to recreate Mimi’s act of messiness during halftime on Tuesday night, but failed. First of all, that ensemble is all wrong, dahling! There’s no sequins and not one rhinestone on that leotard! And Mimi would rather clean JLo’s ass with her butterfly tongue than wear that dreadful Forever 21 faux fur jacket thing. Second of all, that leotard is not tight enough. It should be making The Coyote’s pussy choke so hard that a person in the audience runs up to perform the Heimlich on it. Third of all, The Coyote didn’t even include one of the breakout stars of Mimi’s performance: the faulty earpiece! Nothing’s better than the real thing, I guess.
— San Antonio Spurs (@spurs) January 4, 2017
I was going to say that I bet that demon child Ariana Grande Latte is in that costume, but she’s not. The Coyote is way too tall and has way too much dancing talent to be Ariana Grande.
Many Chihuahuas look like they just watched the “bite the curb” scene in American History X. All traumatized and shit. That’s just they’re natural look, but Parasite Hilton’s latest living accessory is probably traumatized for real. You would be too if you were constantly dressed up in tragic raver toddler outfits and heard horror stories from the other dogs about “the closet.” That is the traumatized look of a chihuahua who has to listen to Paris’ stupid slutty baby voice day in and day out.
Phoebe Price, the Kartrashian/Jenners, the Vanderpump Rules tricks, the Bachelor cast-offs and every other reality mess must’ve been busy yesterday, because the paps took pictures of the original vapid fame whore leaving a restaurant in Beverly Hills with just one of her 6,983 dogs. Parasite bought the teacup Chihuahua a few months ago for $8,000 and I guess the poor thing is the new Tinkerbell (never 4get Tinkerbell), because Diamond Baby gets the honor of being whored out for the paps in rejected Punky Brewster outfits.
I don’t know what’s sadder: Parasite committing animal cruelty by making Diamond Baby wear that shit, or the fact that I actually like the name Diamond Baby. Hey, I like fourth-tier stripper names for dogs, which is why if I ever get another dog, I’m going to name it Cristal Chardonnay. And just like that, every dog shelter in the country has banned my ass.