America’s most high profile bag ladies, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, were bridesmaids at close friend/watch designer Cassie Coane’s wedding this weekend, where the dress code for all the gals was simply floral (groundbreaking!). Rookie mistake, Cass! You never give an Olsen twin an open-ended FAHSHUN command, because one of them inevitably is going to arrive wearing some $10 million piece of WTF that looks like a Sunday school arts and crafts project. Sure enough, while Ashley kind of kept it basic with a black cocktail dress that included what People calls a “statement sleeve,” Mary-Kate threw on what looks like a comforter stolen from the bed of a 1960s-era Woodstock Holiday Inn. The kimono was paired with green mules, floral headband, and the signature Olsen scowl. One of the wedding attendees even managed to catch the
Loch Ness Monster twins smiling on camera:
The upstate New York bash seems like pretty standard Olsen fare: Paleo cooking over an open flame where the poor chefs had to wear old-timey costumes (“What?! I’m dressed like a half-ass geisha! I’m in on the fun, too!” -Mary Kate), orange flower necklaces for the bridesmaids that most certainly never touched a pristine Olsen décolletage, and personalized watercolor illustrationzzzzz. There was no word on what time Mary-Kate’s shift at Benihana started later that night or whether some smartass had the balls to project It Takes Two onto a nearby Hudson River Valley barn, but a boy can dream!
The strange thing was that everyone wasn’t told to go home as soon as this feathery vision of dusty pink gluh-moore whipped his boa train on the carpet. Why even bother going on with the 2017 CFDA Awards when it was already shut down by an exquisite bejeweled pink ostrich? I’m sure that is a question that fashion professors will ponder with their students for years to come.
The theme of tonight’s Meth Gala was Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garçons, and I guess to Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, “Japanese avante-garde” means looking like vampires circa the 9th century who troll the shores of Scandinavia for passed-out and drunk vikings to suck the souls out of. Or maybe Mary-Kate and Ashley weren’t even planning to go to the Meth Gala tonight. They just so happened to be in the neighborhood, hunting for squirrels to suck the blood out of, when they saw that a little party was going on at the Met and so they casually walked on in. I mean, if you told me that these ensembles are Mary-Kate and Ashley’s casual Monday night outfits, I wouldn’t accuse you of lying.
I don’t even know why the Olsens go to the Met Gala anymore. It feels beneath them, and besides, there’s no souls for them to nibble on. Practically everybody who goes to the Met Gala doesn’t have a soul since that sold that shit years ago.
And even though it looks like they didn’t even try tonight, they still won, because looking like a cross between “5200 year old Celtic witches trapped in the bodies of hairless raccoons” and “twin E.T.s in Miss Havisham drag” is really and truly the look.
Despite it looking like the cover shot of a Nicholas Sparks novel called Daddy Issues, that picture above is actually of Ashley Olsen and her most recent boyfriend on vacation in St. Barts in January. Sadly, there will be no more Caribbean beach PDA for them.
UsWeekly says that after five months of dating, 30-year-old Ashley and 50-something financier Richard Sachs are over. A source tells UsWeekly it ended because she wanted to focus on her clothing line.
The source adds that they’re still friends and “hang out.” For people like you and me, “still hanging out” can mean sending a text at 1am for a half-hearted hook-up. But Ashley and Richard are super rich. So I choose to assume that “still hanging out” means they get together every Tuesday (the gentleman’s Friday) and dare each other to drink unfiltered tap water or ride the subway – no silk gloves! – with the general public.
If life were like a Hallmark movie, this would be the part where a meddling Mary-Kate Olsen takes Ashley aside after throwing a pot roast into the over for dinner, and urges her not to be so career-driven. (Takes long drag off cigarette) “You poor dear. Do you need me to set you up? I hear Jennifer’s grandfather is single!”
30-year-old Mary-Kate Olsen married 47-year-old Olivier Sarkozy in 2015, and they’re still together. They’ll probably be together forever, because woodland gnome and French giant love never does. Mary-Kate Olsen doesn’t really talk about her husband, but she talked about married life a little during an interview with Net-A-Porter’s The Edit. Mary-Kate and her twin/business partner Ashley Olsen mostly talked about boring fashion mogul stuff, but for a quick second, she burped up words about how she lives a normal home life.
“I think we’re lucky [working hard] comes quite naturally for us. We don’t need so much time to sit and think and ponder. But then I have a husband, two step-kids and a life; I have to go home and cook dinner. I ride horses on the weekends. You find the thing that helps you relax and if you don’t have it, you have to look for it. Or you get burned out and then you’re not productive.”
I totally believe that Mary-Kate Olsen makes dinner for her family. After a long day of skinning a rare golden zebra to make a $30,000 full-length poncho for The Row, she brings the meat home, tosses it into a cauldron, add a few things (dead leaves, seaweed, rotten eggs, too…. spider web, moldy bread, mucky mud, too…) and stirs up that witches’ brew while chanting, “Alakazamakazoo.” And boom, supper!
But really, it’s probably super easy for Mary-Kate to get dinner together. All she has to do is toss two packs of Reds onto the table and open up a bottle of Grey Goose before declaring that dinner is served. And when Olivier takes his seat, she gently feeds wet lettuce to his glorious caterpillar brows. That’s love.
The last time we checked in on the goings-on of Ashley Olsen’s 30-year-old enchanted forest poon, she was apparently doing a 33-year-old pressed juice mogul named Hayden Slater. That rumor made some of us blink a few times and think, “Is 33 a typo? Do they mean he was born in 1933?” Because the Olsens’ vagines are like a Denny’s at 7:30 in the morning on a Tuesday: there’s only oldies up in there. Ashley Olsen may have realized that doing a dude who doesn’t have any white pubes may not be for her. Page Six says that Ashley has moved on from that young pressed juice piece to a dude their source has described as being “very rich” and “ancient.” WARNING: If you’re in your 50s, Page Six’s source thinks you and Methuselah went to grade school together.