Category: Olsens

A Strange Thing Happened At The CFDA Awards In NYC Last Night….

June 6, 2017 / Posted by:

The strange thing was that everyone wasn’t told to go home as soon as this feathery vision of dusty pink gluh-moore whipped his boa train on the carpet. Why even bother going on with the 2017 CFDA Awards when it was already shut down by an exquisite bejeweled pink ostrich? I’m sure that is a question that fashion professors will ponder with their students for years to come.

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And Then There Was The Olsens……

May 1, 2017 / Posted by:

The theme of tonight’s Meth Gala was Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garçons, and I guess to Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen,Japanese avante-garde” means looking like vampires circa the 9th century who troll the shores of Scandinavia for passed-out and drunk vikings to suck the souls out of. Or maybe Mary-Kate and Ashley weren’t even planning to go to the Meth Gala tonight. They just so happened to be in the neighborhood, hunting for squirrels to suck the blood out of, when they saw that a little party was going on at the Met and so they casually walked on in. I mean, if you told me that these ensembles are Mary-Kate and Ashley’s casual Monday night outfits, I wouldn’t accuse you of lying.

I don’t even know why the Olsens go to the Met Gala anymore. It feels beneath them, and besides, there’s no souls for them to nibble on. Practically everybody who goes to the Met Gala doesn’t have a soul since that sold that shit years ago.

And even though it looks like they didn’t even try tonight, they still won, because looking like a cross between “5200 year old Celtic witches trapped in the bodies of hairless raccoons” and “twin E.T.s in Miss Havisham drag” is really and truly the look.

Pics: Getty

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Ashley Olsen And Her Financier Boyfriend Have Broken Up

March 22, 2017 / Posted by:

Despite it looking like the cover shot of a Nicholas Sparks novel called Daddy Issues, that picture above is actually of Ashley Olsen and her most recent boyfriend on vacation in St. Barts in January. Sadly, there will be no more Caribbean beach PDA for them.

UsWeekly says that after five months of dating, 30-year-old Ashley and 50-something financier Richard Sachs are over. A source tells UsWeekly it ended because she wanted to focus on her clothing line.

The source adds that they’re still friends and “hang out.” For people like you and me, “still hanging out” can mean sending a text at 1am for a half-hearted hook-up. But Ashley and Richard are super rich. So I choose to assume that “still hanging out” means they get together every Tuesday (the gentleman’s Friday) and dare each other to drink unfiltered tap water or ride the subway – no silk gloves! – with the general public.

If life were like a Hallmark movie, this would be the part where a meddling Mary-Kate Olsen takes Ashley aside after throwing a pot roast into the over for dinner, and urges her not to be so career-driven. (Takes long drag off cigarette) “You poor dear. Do you need me to set you up? I hear Jennifer’s grandfather is single!

Pic: Splash

Mary-Kate Olsen Says She Runs Home From The Office To Cook Dinner

March 10, 2017 / Posted by:

30-year-old Mary-Kate Olsen married 47-year-old Olivier Sarkozy in 2015, and they’re still together. They’ll probably be together forever, because woodland gnome and French giant love never does. Mary-Kate Olsen doesn’t really talk about her husband, but she talked about married life a little during an interview with Net-A-Porter’s The Edit. Mary-Kate and her twin/business partner Ashley Olsen mostly talked about boring fashion mogul stuff, but for a quick second, she burped up words about how she lives a normal home life.

“I think we’re lucky [working hard] comes quite naturally for us. We don’t need so much time to sit and think and ponder. But then I have a husband, two step-kids and a life; I have to go home and cook dinner. I ride horses on the weekends. You find the thing that helps you relax and if you don’t have it, you have to look for it. Or you get burned out and then you’re not productive.”

I totally believe that Mary-Kate Olsen makes dinner for her family. After a long day of skinning a rare golden zebra to make a $30,000 full-length poncho for The Row, she brings the meat home, tosses it into a cauldron, add a few things (dead leaves, seaweed, rotten eggs, too…. spider web, moldy bread, mucky mud, too…) and stirs up that witches’ brew while chanting, “Alakazamakazoo.” And boom, supper!

But really, it’s probably super easy for Mary-Kate to get dinner together. All she has to do is toss two packs of Reds onto the table and open up a bottle of Grey Goose before declaring that dinner is served. And when Olivier takes his seat, she gently feeds wet lettuce to his glorious caterpillar brows. That’s love.

Pic: Splash

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Ashley Olsen’s New Piece Is A “Very Rich, Ancient Man”

October 30, 2016 / Posted by:

The last time we checked in on the goings-on of Ashley Olsen’s 30-year-old enchanted forest poon, she was apparently doing a 33-year-old pressed juice mogul named Hayden Slater. That rumor made some of us blink a few times and think, “Is 33 a typo? Do they mean he was born in 1933?” Because the Olsens’ vagines are like a Denny’s at 7:30 in the morning on a Tuesday: there’s only oldies up in there. Ashley Olsen may have realized that doing a dude who doesn’t have any white pubes may not be for her. Page Six says that Ashley has moved on from that young pressed juice piece to a dude their source has described as being “very rich” and “ancient.” WARNING: If you’re in your 50s, Page Six’s source thinks you and Methuselah went to grade school together.

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Ashley Olsen Might Have Moved From An Artist To A Juiciér

October 19, 2016 / Posted by:

Back in August, it was rumored that Ashley Olsen, the vision in party guest witch realness on the right, was still dating 59-year-old artist of nightmares George Condo. It appears she’s no longer riding the rich old man express. Instead she’s probably riding the rich less-old man express.

The Daily Mail posted pictures of Ashley walking with pressed juice mogul Hayden Slater and they’ve come to the conclusion that they’re togetherHayden Slater is 33 years old and co-founded the popular juice company Pressed Juicery. Ashley and Hayden sort of came out as a couple last Saturday when Hayden posted that picture of them holding hands at a friend’s engagement party to Instagram. Then on Monday they were seen going on a hike in Los Angeles with Hayden’s dog Finley. Ooh, meeting the dog? It must be serious!

Dating a dude who owns a chain of fancy juice places is a very smart idea. I know Ashley Olsen is one-half of a two-headed pocket-sized billionaire beast, but I don’t care how rich you are: pressed juice is damn expensive. Three days worth of juice from Pressed Juicery will set you back $129. Almost $44 a day for pulverized plant excrement? That’s too much! Especially when you’re a woodland-dwelling creature like Ashley who is used to gathering leaves and berries from the forest for free.

Pic: Instagram

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