The last time we checked in on the goings-on of Ashley Olsen’s 30-year-old enchanted forest poon, she was apparently doing a 33-year-old pressed juice mogul named Hayden Slater. That rumor made some of us blink a few times and think, “Is 33 a typo? Do they mean he was born in 1933?” Because the Olsens’ vagines are like a Denny’s at 7:30 in the morning on a Tuesday: there’s only oldies up in there. Ashley Olsen may have realized that doing a dude who doesn’t have any white pubes may not be for her. Page Six says that Ashley has moved on from that young pressed juice piece to a dude their source has described as being “very rich” and “ancient.” WARNING: If you’re in your 50s, Page Six’s source thinks you and Methuselah went to grade school together.
Back in August, it was rumored that Ashley Olsen, the vision in party guest witch realness on the right, was still dating 59-year-old artist of nightmares George Condo. It appears she’s no longer riding the rich old man express. Instead she’s probably riding the rich less-old man express.
The Daily Mail posted pictures of Ashley walking with pressed juice mogul Hayden Slater and they’ve come to the conclusion that they’re together. Hayden Slater is 33 years old and co-founded the popular juice company Pressed Juicery. Ashley and Hayden sort of came out as a couple last Saturday when Hayden posted that picture of them holding hands at a friend’s engagement party to Instagram. Then on Monday they were seen going on a hike in Los Angeles with Hayden’s dog Finley. Ooh, meeting the dog? It must be serious!
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) October 18, 2016
Dating a dude who owns a chain of fancy juice places is a very smart idea. I know Ashley Olsen is one-half of a two-headed pocket-sized billionaire beast, but I don’t care how rich you are: pressed juice is damn expensive. Three days worth of juice from Pressed Juicery will set you back $129. Almost $44 a day for pulverized plant excrement? That’s too much! Especially when you’re a woodland-dwelling creature like Ashley who is used to gathering leaves and berries from the forest for free.
Back in June, it was reported that Ashley Olsen had maybe joined her sister Mary-Kate Olsen in the Wealthy Pocket Trolls Who Do Rich Old Guys club. 30-year-old Ashley was seen on what appeared to be a date with 59-year-old painter/nightmare maker George Condo. Ashley’s rep (a baggy black caftan that came to life one day) said their “date” was actually just a “business meeting.” Well, Ashley and George have been having more “business meetings.”
Gashley apparently had a really busy weekend. People says that Ashley and George were seen having a “cozy” lunch at a restaurant in New York City. A source spills that Ashley and George sat in one of the “romantic” corner booths. For those of you who just got the mental image of Ashley scurrying up her 59-year-old date to sensually slip torn-off pieces of sandwiches into his mouth, you can stop. The source says they were “definitely close, but not touchy-feely.”
But it got touchy-feely on Sunday. A source tells Page Six that they saw Ashley and George at another restaurant. The source originally thought Ashley was having dinner with her grandpa, but that was ruled out when they started “holding hands and snuggling.” I’m going to guess Page Six’s source was a cloud hovering overhead, because that’s some shade. The source adds that it was “obvious” that something was going on between the two of them. What made it so obvious? You know what, I don’t think I want to know. It’s never the right time of day to picture a dude popping up his lap napkin after being asked by a winking Olsen twin if they want to see her try to fit a whole cocktail olive in her mouth.
I’ll wait here as you dunk your head into your bowl of hot holy water after once again laying your eyeballs on that nightmare work which should be titled: A Regular Ole’ Night In Pimp Mama Kris’ Lair.
Back in the olden days of 2013, Kanye West showed his dress-up silicone mannequin Kim Kartrashian how much he hates her and lives to humiliate her by giving her a hideously ugly and offensive Birkin bag which featured PMK in her true form (on the left) screaming at her whores to show it, work it and sell it in a nude photo shoot. That painted nightmare on a bag came directly from the mind of artiste George Condo. Page Six is saying today that George Condo may be dating Ashley Olsen, and that makes sense since only an Olsen could truly, truly love and an appreciate an artist who spits out scary shit like that.
If Charmed, Charlie’s Angeles and Wilson Phillips taught us anything, it’s that the power of 3 is unstoppable! So all of us peasants better spend our last few moments of freedom wearing color and smiling, because we’ll be banned from doing both of those things when the Trinity of Olsen Unholiness takes over the world. Half of us will be thrown into a factory where we’ll be forced to make our new overlords handmade cigarettes using French rolling papers, tobacco and the ashes of those who dared defy them! The other half of us will be thrown into a factory where we’ll be forced to hand-stitch panther hide caftans for our new leaders and their fellow evil-hearted rich friends. (I hope that whichever factory I’m thrown into, I’m assigned a spot next to Kimmy Gibbler so she can give me all the details of the Trollsens’ rise from cutesy toddlers to dictator gnomes.) When that happens, remember these pictures that served as a warning for the impending Olsen takeover!
At last night’s CFDA Awards in NYC, Elizabeth Olsen got sandwiched between Doom and Gloom as they all posed for pictures on the red carpet. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen did themselves up like 1970s Santa Monica fortune tellers whose clients can always be seen going into their storefront but are never seen coming out. They did their sister/dark priestess-in-training up as an overgrown Ariana Grande Latte at a seance full of witches who buy all their clothes at White House|Black Market. What I’m trying to say is that the three of them together are more terrifying than the Macbeth witches!
But maybe there’s hope. In most of the pictures, Elizabeth Olsen is smiling and there’s a sparkle in her eye that I don’t think is from thinking about how she’s going to cackle into the night sky as she hears the pained cries of the mortals. I know, I’m trying to fool myself. She’s totally one of them now. I better learn how to sew.
Many book of fables will tell you that bridge trolls don’t do themes, because stupid human novelties like that are beneath them and the only thing that really brings them joy is hearing the blood-curdling moans of their victim as they siphon out that mortal’s soul for giving the wrong answer to their riddle. So, of course, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen rolled their eyes at the Met Gala’s little theme, “Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology,” and instead showed up in their usual look: 400-year-old immortal witch who lives on the Upper East Side in Manhattan where by day, she runs a curiosities shop that specializes in vintage skulls of extinct animals, and by night, she sneaks into the bedrooms of sleeping children where she listens to their breathing before stealing the dreams from their dreamcatcher.
Honestly, I’d be disappointed if they did show up in some silver metallic gown and didn’t wear sacks made from the dusty curtains they snatched from an abandoned funeral home during the night. No, the Trollsens didn’t dress the theme (“What do you mean? We thought the theme was future and in the future when we take over the world, you’ll all be wearing these sacks as our sweat shop slaves.” – the Trollsens), but they did partake in Vogue’s photo booth thing. Using leftover set pieces from Michael and Janet Jackson’s “Scream” video, Vogue put together a photo booth and filmed guests doing their own thing. The Olsens did their own thing, which was to the freeze the souls of everyone with their eyes.
In your nightmares tonight, there will be a long hall and at the end of that hall you’ll find these two waiting for you. Pull out your Purell brand of holy water and prepare to spray it at the screen.
SANTO DIOS! Oh well, sleeping is overrated anyway. I don’t need it anymore.