Olivia Munn, seen above looking like she really regrets letting a stylist put her in a while skirt, recently admitted to Women’s Health (via E! News) that her body became 12 lbs lighter during the filming of X-Men: Apocalypse. And how did she do it? Was it exercise? Atkins? Coke cut with TrimSpa? That laxative tea that the Kardashians are always pimping on Instagram? No, it was eating almost nothing but fruit and vegetables. Don’t worry, I also shuddered at the thought of spending all day on the toilet releasing an endless stream of fiber-filled poops.
“My intention was to just get as fit and as healthy as I could be, for myself. By the time I was finished [filming], I was 12 pounds less than I started! It’s a big difference because I started working out every single day, and then I also started getting into eating 20-80, where 80 percent of your diet is fruits and vegetables and 20 percent is whatever.”
“Whatever? Amateur” thought Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady. So apparently Japanese potatoes are the reason for Olivia’s new face and they’re also part of the reason for Olivia’s new body. Speaking of her new face, she also talked about her face (again) and how she still isn’t here for people taking a magnifying glass to recent pictures of her.
“I think…when you’re in the public eye, [scrutiny] does come with it. People want to say things. My girlfriend, she said to me the other day, ‘If people are wondering why you look younger, it’s better than them asking why do you look older.'”
Being asked about why you look different can suck no matter what the reason. I lost a lil’ weight once and a friend asked me how. The look she gave me when I confessed that my “secret” was eating a diet rich in Target popcorn was enough to make me wish I could go back in time and tell her to mind her own damn business. You should never feel pressured to reveal your truly shameful diet secrets.
Not a press tour goes by without Jennifer Lawrence almost munching the carpet by falling, so of course, she had a stage 2 tumble at a screening for X-Men: Apocalypse in London today. Jennifer Lawrence claims that her falls are completely organic and she doesn’t purposely do them to keep her image as the quirkiest quirky girl in the business alive, but bitch, please.
If you watch the riveting video from The Daily Mail below, you will clearly see that Ms. Tumble4YaAttention manages to get through a crowd of people without any problems, and when she gets out into a small open space where her fall will get as much attention as possible, she suddenly stumbles. I like how that woman in the purple, who I’m guessing is her publicist, just happens to be there to catch her fall. If you press your ear to that video, you can practically hear JLaw whisper, “And a 3..2..FALL,” to herself. You can’t fool me, JLaw!
And after JLaw performed the fall that she and a team of choreographers spent hours on in a studio somewhere, she posed with Oscar Isaac and James McAvoy who seemed to have an intense debate about her tits:
Or maybe they were arguing about her busted and ill-fitting Dior dress. Oscar thinks that it looks like a knock-off of a Windsor Fashion’s prom dress made with dyed muslin and James thinks it looks like a stripper’s wedding dress. Yeah, that’s probably what they’re arguing about it.
Back in February, Olivia Munn (seen above giving you business casual 70s Cher) took to Instagram to silence the haters who had accused her of popping into a plastic surgeon’s office and walking out with a new face. According to Olivia, her new-ish face was the result of the following things: losing weight while training on the set of X-Men: Apocalypse, reshaping her eyebrow situation, erasing her freckles with Proactiv, and Japanese potatoes. Well, Olivia is talking about her face once again, and this time she has a new reason for why she might look different: makeup! Olivia got into it during a recent interview with Fashion magazine to promote X-Men: Apocalypse.
When I saw Alicia Vikander (now Academy Award Winner Alicia Vikander) stroll down the red carpet last night, it gave me a massive nostalgia high. A lot of people probably did, thanks to Alicia’s Beauty and the Beast realness. But gazing upon that pale yellow poofy Louis Vuitton dress instantly whooshed me back to memories of playing a game called Beautiful Lady in my childhood bedroom. The rules of Beautiful Lady were simple: look like a beautiful lady. Usually I would play it safe and throw on a Dress n’ Dazzle 3-in-1 Glamour Gown and my exquisite Burger King ThunderCats ring. But if I wanted to look extra beautiful, I’d pull the fitted sheet off my bed and make a stunning ballgown.
I liked to use the fitted sheet because it was far more glamorous and show-stopping than the flat sheet. It puffed out at the bottom, and as everyone knew in the 80s, puffy = instant sophistication. It was dead easy – I’d just wrap it around my waist and fasten it with a banana clip. Then I’d throw on my “wig” (a pair of black nylons) and wait for the flattery to roll in. Alicia clearly knows that Beautiful Lady is always the look, because she made sure to pair her bedsheet dress with flat-on-top/long-in-the-back hair too. Although I don’t think her jewelry came from Burger King. If I had to guess, it’s probably some cheap crap from Harry Winston or something.
Alicia wasn’t the only one who was giving me flashbacks to my homemade fashion years. Kate Winslet also took me for a walk down memory lane.
On the left is a picture of Olivia Munn a year ago. On the right is, get this, Olivia Munn last month. I know, looking at the picture on the right gave me a stage 10 case of the “Harpo Dis Womans,” because I thought it was a completely different person! But seriously, besides the de-drama’d eyebrow situation and her face being SANS freckles, I don’t see much difference between the 2016 picture and the 2015 picture. But 35-year-old Olivia Munn does and she decided to share all the secrets to her different face. The “keeping it real” version of a Hollywood type’s list of beauty secrets looks like this:
2. More Botox.
3. Face skin reupholstery.
4. Full face lipo.
5. Replaced nose with a smaller one that was grown on a lab house rat.
Olivia Munn did none of that, so says Olivia Munn. She wrote on Instagram about how she is addicted to researching “natural and healthy” ways to make the skin on your face look younger. Olivia posted the side-by-side picture above before spitting up her tips.
“Face, face, work it, sell it. It’s that time of the month and there isn’t a tampon big enough to handle all this fierce mythological leakage” is what I assume was running through Jennifer Lopez’s brain while she was posing for her life. I know, that was redundant – JLo is always posing for her life. But last night she was working her sexy cat face hard, because it’s the only trick she had left to draw any attention away from that blood-barfing dragon thing on her dress.
I know it’s probably supposed to be fire, but let’s be honest with ourselves – it looks like blood. Either that, or that dragon ate too many Twizzlers during a red wine bender and is heaving them all up. Regardless, I can definitely see some Game of Thrones-obsessed boyfriend trying to recreate this dress for his girlfriend using a beige body stocking and $200 worth of sequins and stick-on gemstones from Hobby Lobby. “It appears your dress has lit my loins on fire, m’lady.”
Or maybe it’s the other way around. Maybe that dragon is trying to yank the attention away from JLo’s killer body-oddy-oddy. For real, where is she hiding her Spanx? She’s not wearing any, you say? Oh, cool (loud shame weeping).
Here’s more of JLo, as well as Donatella Verrr-SOH-chee, who was dressed in some kind of weird black and red fishnet…sticker book…thing, and a bunch of other famous types in red dresses. Oh, and also Sienna Miller in what appears to be a child’s sized tuxedo with no shirt.
Pics: Splash, Wenn.com
When last year’s award season sweetheart (after the Texas T-Rex, of course) Jared Leto won the Independent Spirit Award for Best Supporting Actor for The Dallas Buyers Club, he spent a million minutes thanking every single person who ever lived from Steve Jobs to Mozart to Kurt Cobain to the billion people on Earth to James Gandolfini’s kids to the makers of vegan butter to the inventor of the zipper to his future ex-wife Lupita Nyong’o, etc.. etc… Bitch wasn’t done. At yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, CA, Jared Leto handed out the award for Best Supporting Actor and before J.K. Simmons’ name slipped out of his delicate lips, he mouth queefed out more people and animals he forgot to thank. And he did it whilewearing a blazer I swear Linda Dano wore on Another World at least once. As your ass can tell from the video from The Hollywood Reporter above, Jared thanked the frog he viciously murdered and Richard Simmons. Take out the frog-killing shit and switch out Poquito Mas for Del Taco and this would pretty much read like my acceptance speech if I won anything.
“That frog that I accidentally squeezed to death in second grade, thank you for teaching me how short life truly can be. Richard Simmons, my flexibility, endurance and uncanny fashion sense. All of my homies at Poquito Mas on Ventura Boulevard. And last but not least my grandmother for beating me senseless with a fly swatter, teaching me that you can’t get away with everything that you think you can. Respect your elders unless you want a can of whoop-ass.”
And a little later on last night, a wet piece of shit fell on Jared Leto’s head and he probably thought Linda Dano threw it at him for wearing her favorite blazer. But nope, it was the frog he murdered shitting on him from heaven for using its tragic death for laughs. This little speech might’ve made you roll your eyes out of their sockets, but I do appreciate him paying homage to the bedazzled dandelion Richard Simmons and NOT THE ONE abuelitas. However, I still can’t believe Jared hasn’t thanked the one person he needs to thank: Rickie Vasquez. Every speech where Jared Leto doesn’t thank Rickie Vasquez is a speech nobody needs to hear.
To see all the winners from yesterday, click here. Below are approximately ten thousand pictures of everyone who was at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday. You might want to put on some industrial-strength goggles before getting to Oprah’s picture, because her mighty chichis will punch your eyeballs if you don’t protect them.
I don’t know what the hell is on the floor in that picture, but it’s giving me a major craving for string cheese (“What else is new?” just hissed my stomach).
Gwyneth Paltrow Instagrammed this picture of Jennifer Lopez, Patrick Schwarzenegger, Miley Cyrus, Scarlett Johansson, and Amy Adams sitting in the front row of Tom Ford’s FW15 womenswear show in Los Angeles last night, and it was literally only 1/856th of the famous types that were there. Everybody was there. And when I say everybody, I mean everybody. Beyonce? YES. Angelica Huston? YES. Gina Gershon? HELL YES. My great aunt Gladys? PROBABLY. I haven’t asked her yet, but I’m assuming she was there, since everybody was there. It was like the Oscars and the Grammys and the Emmys and the CableACE Awards got together in the backseat of a 1994 Ford Tempo and made a random fluids baby.
I don’t know what Tom Ford did to get that many famous types at his fashion show, but it must have involved promising to wash their cars for a year or “take care” of their enemies and make it look like an accident or something, because people that I haven’t seen in forever showed up. Faith Hill was there. When is the last time you saw Faith Hill at something? Robbie Williams. ROBBIE WILLIAMS! I’m sure if the dog from Fraiser hadn’t died 9 years ago, he would have been there too.
And I know Kanye West thinks he’s a legitimate fashion designer now, but he needs to realize that you haven’t made it until Cristal Connors from Showgirls shows up to your show. Until then, you’re still a nobody (sorry Kanye). Here’s a bunch of famous people from Tom Ford’s show last night, including the living life legend herself Gina Gershon, Goopy, Reese Witherspoon, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello, and John Legend wearing a Canadian Tuxedo for some reason:
Last night at the Los Angeles premiere of Mortdecai, 62-year-old sexy Cialis pill Jeff Goldblum and his 31-year-old knocked-up gymnast wife Emilie Livingston decided to give everyone in attendance an eyeful of what it looks like when an old-ass dude who can still get it gets the instant horn-horns for the girl who portions out his Lipitor into his plastic 7-day pill organizer by sucking each other’s faces on the red carpet. Normally I’m all for two horny sluts going at it in public, but watching Jeff mouth-hump on Emilie is 8 shades of NO. This looks like a daddy bird feeding a baby bird, or a Werther’s Original ad gone horribly, horribly wrong.
Thankfully, an even-messier someone was able to yank our eyes away from that mess, and that someone was Gwyneth Paltrow flashing half an organic free-range cashmere-basted boob:
Mothers, lock up your billionaire investment banker sons – Sexy Single Mommy Goopy is on the prowl! And maybe it’s because I’m a little high from the 3 bowls of French Toast Crunch I ate this morning, but those freckles of Goopy’s boopy sort of look like a happy little face, right? I can practically hear it offering me a cold glass of sparkling hand-pressed Madagascar lime leaf essence.
Here’s more of Jeff Goldblum acting like the definition of a late-in-life midlife crisis, Goopy serving up some “Mommy’s still sexy, right? RIGHT???” realness, as well as human guitar pick Johnny Depp, panty-dropping Scottish DILF Ewan McGregor, and jacked Crank Yankers puppet Tracy Anderson:
“Good work, you two.” – Olivia Munn to her breasts.
Olivia Munn, aka not the one who got knocked-up by January Jones’s alleged sperm donor, confirmed she had ended her two-year relationship with the dude who played RoboCop in that not-good RoboCop reboot (government name: Joel Kinnaman) on April 29th, and a little more than 2 weeks later, Us Weekly is saying she’s moved on to the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers Aaron Rodgers. Damn girl, 2 weeks? Doesn’t a pussy deserve time to recuperate from getting rode hard by RoboCop’s robotic dick? Let it put its feet up, take a Calgon bath, something.
Olivia and Aaron Rodgers met last month at the Academy of Country Music Awards last month, where the two presented an award together. Wait, the fuck was Olivia Munn doing presenting a county music award? Well, I guess they bonded over country music or something (her tits) and kept in touch, because the two were seen (don’t say it, Allison) canoodling (you asshole) on Saturday at a restaurant in Malibu. An eye-witness claims they “stole kisses” throughout dinner. EW. Stealing kisses? Was the eye-witness a Precious Moments figurine?
Because the only thing I know about football is that the failing to serve queso dip at a Super Bowl party is the quickest way to get me to leave, I decided to do a little research on this Aaron Rodgers fellow. Aaaaaand it turns out he’s kind of boring. Then again, anything is a major upgrade from the raging hemorroid-infected asshole Olivia once bumped her parts against. Plus, she’s probably getting a Cheese Hat out of it, so really, it’s a win-win.