Demi Lovato and Nick Jonas, who appear to be giving you brothel madam and reluctant male companion above, have been friends since back in their Disney Channel days. And they’ve remained good friends ever since. Nick and Demi are currently on the Future Now tour together, and they recently talked to Billboard about their friendship. Nick and Demi also gave a little master class in what it takes to date Nick Jonas, and apparently one of the keys to success is getting Demi’s approval. They even provided a helpful example via Nick Jonas’ ex-girlfriend Oliva Culpo. For example, if you want to get the thumbs up from Demi to date Nick Jonas, do not be Oliva Culpo.
You’re probably freebasing Red Bull and crushed Vivarin right now, because the break-up of Tim Tebow and Olivia Culpo kept your eyelids open all night. Well, TMZ has more information we all need to know. TMZ says that it’s impossible that Tim Tebow and Olivia Culpo broke up, because they were never together in the first place.
The story was that Miss Universe 2012 dumped Tim Tebow after 2 months of dating, because her chocha was hungry for peen and wrapped around his peen is a note that reads, “For my future wife and future wife only.” But sources tell TMZ that Tim and Olivia didn’t date for 2 minutes, let alone 2 months. They met at church and hung out with friends, but they never went out alone together. The source claims that the tabloids made it all up.
UsWeekly’s source says that Tim was “super into her” and thinks she’s a “goddess,” but she just got out of a relationship with ex-purity ring wearer turned professional gay baiter Nick Jonas and wasn’t looking for another boyfriend. Olivia’s publicist, I mean, the source, really should’ve kept the “goddess” part out, because that’s when it turned straight into “fanfic written by Olivia Culpo” territory.
So there we go. Tim Tebow and Olivia Culpo probably didn’t date. They definitely didn’t fuck and he’s probably still a coochie virgin. And I fully expect People to report that Michelle Duggar is pregnant for the 4,567,987th time. Because knowing that Tim Tebow is still available for one of his daughters to marry made Jim Bob Duggar shoot a load so powerful that it ripped through his double-pleated khakis and landed in Michelle’s eye. Yup, Michelle and Jim Bob are so fertile that even a load to the eye can knock her up.
Pour out a glass of non-alcoholic sparkling grape juice for Tim Tebow’s favorite hand-holding hand today (it’s totally the left one), as it’s about to be real lonely. According to the NY Daily News, Jesus’ favorite football player is single again after his girlfriend of two months dumped his ass and she’s citing lack of dick as the reason.
The handsome human VeggieTales character got together with the former Miss USA and former Nick Jonas humper Olivia Culpo at the beginning of October. And when I say “got together“, I’m of course referring to everything but their genitals, because Tim Tebow is chaste virgin type who is saving himself for marriage. And it seemed like everything was good; one of Olivia’s friends claim that Tim was really into her and was sending her “love letters and cute notes“. But she decided to end it because no matter how many love letters he was throwing at her, she just couldn’t deal with the cobwebs collecting on her crotch.
Okay, I’m totally on Team Olivia here, because I too would have a hard time dealing with an endless string of Netflix and Chill nights that involved actually watching Netflix. But I have questions. Unless Olivia doesn’t own a computer that has access to Tim Tebow’s Wikipedia page, she should have known going into it that Tim Tebow is a hardcore Christian who is saving his fuck parts for his future wife. Or maybe she did know that, but she was so desperate for Tebowners that she paid a wizard to bless her with a magic coochie that could hypnotize Tim’s wiener and change his mind about premarital sex. If it’s the second option, then I suggest she might want to find that wizard and get her money back, because it clearly didn’t work.
For those of you who are reaching for your glasses and wondering who hired Robert Gimlin and the ghost of Roger Patterson to operate the cameras for the Billboard Music Awards, don’t worry – it’s not you. The above image is blurry because current film technology isn’t advanced enough to catch the ninja-like speed of Chrissy Teigen’s dress as it attempted to take out the poor woman walking behind her. Forget Taylor Swift and her gangly gang of suburban road warriors; Chrissy’s dress was the real deadly assassin at the BBMAs.
As Chrissy was walking to the stage with her co-host Ludacris, some woman tried to cut across behind her, but I guess she caught the back of Chrissy’s dress and instead of her ass landing in her seat, it landed on the floor. Unfortunately, Chrissy didn’t have time to be the wind beneath that lady’s wings and lift her ass off the ground, so she kept walking. Does anyone have an extra sweater? It just got COLD!
But Chrissy Teigen would like you to know she’s not a icy-hearted ho who enjoys watching clumsy tricks struggle all over the floor. According to Chrissy, Chrissy didn’t know there was a Code BOOM happening behind her.
Earthbound seraphim Angelina Jolie made her presence known at the 2015 Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards last night. Nickelodeon’s yearly award show is known for “sliming” the celebrity presenters. Realizing that showering a demigoddess with slime would bring the world that much closer to the end times, she remained Kermit-spooge free. Cheered on by her daughters (you know them better as “the chosen ones”) Zahara and Shiloh, Angie accepted a blimp for Favorite Villain and Favorite Movie Actress for Malificent.
She had a message for all the chilluns:
“When I was a kid I was told – like Maleficent – that I was different. But then I realized something: different is good. So maybe you don’t fit in. Be yourself. And when someone tells you that you are different, just smile and hold your head up, and be proud. And as your villain, I would say, ‘Cause a little trouble. It is good for you!'”
The highly important decision not to slime Angelina might also have to do with her going through some more serious shit recently in regards to her health.
Be sure to click this link for a pic of Angie and her girls posing with that bass ass Meaghan Trainor person. Zahara’s expression reads “I’ll throw this lesser a bone and give her a pic for her scrapbook.” Shiloh’s reads “I really only listen to Sleator-Kinney, so I have no clue who this trick is.” And Angie is very “I’m always happy to gratify a seat-filler, but let’s get on with this.”
One sexy celeb who DID get a green load to the face was the show’s host, hot ass Nick Jonas! The highly untruthful Jennifer Lopez pressured him. Her lying ass didn’t get slimed either. SHE’S not a deity who recently nixed her ovaries, why does she get a pass?
All you kinky bitches into gunge can pant and pucker at the slimy screengrabs below. Nick really should have taken his shirt off first and flexed a little. While being green-jizzed upon. This is probably the wrong blog for these musings.
Check out vid of Angie’s speech below, as well as pics of her and the Chosen Ones, Nick’s green facial, and Nick and his chick Olivia Culpo on the orange carpet.
Photo credit: Splash & Zimbio