Research has been done, and FridaBalls is an actual product, so this isn’t some jokey joke. Goldie Hawn’s actor son Oliver Hudson (he’s been in several thousand forgettable shows but he’s into balls so he can’t be that bad a guy) posted this homemade ad for FridaBaby’s FridaBalls underwear line on Instagram. Wait a minute, this is probably one of those product placement things, isn’t it? This is a total Kardashian move. Has Goldie approved this, Oliver? Then again, she was in that movie with Amy Schumer so her judgement is obviously not what it used to be.
This underwear actually makes sense. Even dudes without children know that little kids unerringly go for the nut shot every single time. I’m pretty sure my nephews are going to grow up to be some sort of kinky trampling people judging by the number of times they’ve literally STOOD ON MY CROTCH while I’m sitting on the couch and they want me to read them a story and they climb up TO FOR SOME REASON STAND ON MY CROTCH before settling down beside me. The story is read in a halting whisper and I vow to never get near those little bastards again. You can tell them NOT TO DO IT and next thing you know they’re running to hug you goodbye and HEADBUTTING your balls. Yeah – OW. Little kids are assholes.
Father’s Day is less than three months away. Three years ago, brother of Kate Oliver Hudson celebrated by dragging his absentee dad Bill Hudson on Instagram by wishing him a “happy abandonment day.” Naturally, I pictured a pissed-off Oliver Hudson prepping for Father’s Day this year by whipping out the construction paper and white glitter, and throwing together a card that reads “Happy Sperm Donor Day!” But Oliver recently admitted during an interview with Larry King to promote his new show Splitting Up Together that he’s trying to work things out with his biological dad.
In a lengthy post featuring a Star cover breathlessly declaring that Brad has moved in with Kate, he imagined a world where the Hudson/Hawn clan has been turned upside down by the presence of Bong Hit Brad the Chaos-Bringer.
File this under: Something you really wanted and needed to know in order to go on with your life.
Oliver Hudson (aka Kate Hudson’s brother, Goldie Hawn’s son, that hot douche Jeff from Nashville and the 90s-loving dad from Scream Queens) was on Conan the other night and the conversation somehow went from how he gained a bunch of chunk in New Orleans to how he got his dick bush waxed off. Oliver told Conan O’Brien that his wife promised him certain “things” if he made his crotch look like that of a porn star’s or like that of a dude on Grindr who’s trying to make his dick look bigger. So Oliver got all of his crotch furs ripped out.
Okay, but what I want to know is, what sort of things did his wife promise him? My guess is that she promised to blow him if he went bare down there. If that’s the case, the hell kind of Where The Wild Things Are situation is going on down there? Did she not want to suck it before because it would be like sucking on a dog tail? Is Oliver half Pinhead and so his pubes are like needles and his wife didn’t want to poke her eyeball out while giving him a beej? Damn, Oliver should submit his pubes to science to be studied.
And I don’t know if it’s the cold medicine talking, but seeing Tom Jones in that turtleneck did things to me. Please tell me it’s the cold medicine talking.
Oliver Hudson (aka the hot douche from Nashville) celebrated Father’s Day last week by Instagramming an old childhood picture of himself, his sister Kate Hudson and their bio dad Bill Hudson along with the heart-warming caption: “Happy abandonment day… @katehudson.” Oliver continued to caca all over the man whose jizz made him by wishing his stepfather Kurt Russell a happy Father’s Day. Kate also wished Kurt a happy Daddy’s Day on Instagram. Well, Bill Hudson blew a warm “fuck you” right back at them. If you’ve got a dysfunctional family (and who doesn’t?), this wreck may make you feel a tiny bit better.