Category: Old Ones
Open Post: Hosted By The 70-Year-Old Woman Who Put A Raccoon In A Headlock After It Attacked Her
Christmas can be a pain in the ass. Putting up the decorations, navigating the Amazon “gifts for under $30” section from your couch, and battling Walmart customers to get the last ugly Christmas sweater for the mandatory office party are just part of the struggle. But these don’t hold a midnight mass candle to the unwelcome Christmas surprise Donna Sanginario received on December 1st. While putting up festive lights around the house, a rogue raccoon launched an attack on Donna, leading to a scuffle that left the 70-year-old woman with some bites and bruises and the raccoon with a life lesson: don’t mess with meemaws!
Open Post: Hosted By An Overdue Library Book Returned Nearly Fifty Years Late
Back in college I borrowed a textbook about fucking Italian cinema from the library and promptly forgot it existed. When I finally found it under my bed, covered in dust bunnies and roaches (the cool kind, not the bugs), it was over two months overdue. The late fees totalled $101. I remember the number cuz of 101 Dalmatians. Despite some pretty embarrassing attempts at white lady fake-crying, I was forced to shill over cash I would’ve spent on booze. Quelle tragique.
So you can imagine how triggered I am today after reading the headline about two library books returned almost fifty years late. The books were the Thomas the Tank Engine book, The Railway Series No 22: Small Railway Engines, by Rev. W Awdry, and Learning With Colour Architecture: The Great Art of Building by Trewin Copplestone. The borrower dropped them off at the Basingstoke Discovery Center library in Hampshire, England, with a note explaining his accidental crime.
50-Year-Old Sophie B. Hawkins Is Knocked-Up
“Aw girl, no – you’re supposed to be hanging out on me drinking wine and watching House Hunters International!” cried Sophie B. Hawkin’s couch. Sorry couch, but it looks like you’re going to have to take a rain check. UsWeekly says that 50-year-old Sophie – singer of such super-90s songs as “As I Lay Me Down” and “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” (aka the song I belt out every time I see a picture of Jon Hamm going for a stroll with the Hammaconda) is going to be busy for the next 18 years because she’s currently knocked up with a baby girl. Sophie B. Pregnant!
Sophie already has a 6-year-old son named Dashiell, so the whole late-in-life mom thing isn’t exactly new to her. Plus, she’s been preparing for it – Sophie’s new baby was conceived using eggs she froze when she was 31-years-old. And according to Sophie, it’s really not going to be a big deal that she might end up getting her first hot flash in the middle of a diaper change:
“Being 50 is actually an amazing age to have a second child because I am more wise, calm, humorous, appreciative, simple and clear. I’m not running around looking for love and validation. I live each day full of gratitude, and that’s good for my children. I’ve built a community and I keep refining it.”
I’ve never been pregnant and I’ve never been 50, so I don’t know if being pregnant at 50 is a good idea or a bad idea. But if that hot bitch Sally O’Malley has taught me anything, it’s that 50-year-olds can still kick-stretch-kick and do everything a young type can. So if Sophie can still kick, stretch, kick, then it’s probably safe to assume she can also stretch, push, scream.
Joan Rivers Refuses To Apologize For Calling Michelle Obama A “Tranny”
I will say this: The Joker’s grandma is looking good for 108.
While the rest of us spent our 3-day weekend in a self-induced Miller High Life hot dog coma, Joan Rivers was at the “Grandma, don’t say that” Reference Library finding new ways to be an offensive hag. When a reporter asked her on Friday if she thought America was ready for a gay or female president, she responded with a “joke” suggesting that President Obama was gay and that Michelle Obama was a “tranny”. It was basically just like hearing your Uncle Randy tell a joke at Thanksgiving that starts with a Rabbi and ends with everyone nervously shifting in their seat; nobody was into it. I guess someone (Joan’s publisher) told her she better open up her plastic mouth slit and release an apology, but instead she shat out a classic “sorry not sorry” statement to CNN:
“I think it’s a compliment. She’s so attractive, tall, with a beautiful body, great face, does great makeup. Take a look and go back to La Cage Au Follies (sic). The most gorgeous women are transgender. Stop it already … and if you want to talk about ‘politically correct,’ I think this is a ‘politically incorrect’ attack on me because I’m old, Jewish, a woman and a ‘hetty’ — a heteosexual … and I plan to sue the reporter who, when he turned off his camera, tried to touch me inappropriately on the ass – luckily he hit my ankle. Read the book … if you think that’s silly, wait to (sic) you see what I say about FDR and Eleanor!”
She kept the No Apologies Tour going by telling The Wrap that she also isn’t sorry for stunting like a senior citizen stunt queen by walking out of a CNN interview on Saturday:
“The CNN interviewer was a news reporter and not an entertainment reporter…She did not seem to understand we were talking about a comedy book and not the transcripts from the Nuremburg Trial. Every question was an accusatory one designed to put me on the defensive.”
I know Joan has a book to hustle (Diarrhea of a Mad Diva or something) but I don’t think this any of this is a PR stunt; I think this is Joan’s way of trying to nab a spot at an assisted living facility for seniors with dementia. She’s obviously losing it, but she’s just too proud to tell us it’s time she move into a home with a keypad on every door and an episode of Matlock on every television, so she’s acting like a damn mess until someone says ENOUGH and sticks her senile ass in Shady Acres.
And the #1 sign that Joan has officially lost her damn mind is when she called herself a “hetty”. Bitch, there is one and only one “hetty”, and it’s Hetty King!
Things You Didn’t Need To Know: Barbara Walters’ Vibrator’s Name Is “Selfie”
WARNING: Watching this video of Barbara Walters talking about fucking her dusty babawawa biscuit with a vibrator named Selfie on The View may be harmful to your health. Uncommon but serious side effects of viewing this video may include:
Filing for divorce from the area of the brain that holds memories, a shame erection, thoughts of suicide (following shame erection), anti-arousal (also known as Sahara Syndrome), a written complaint from your gag reflex, the condition known as Nope Face, bargaining with a higher power for the existence of Men in Black mind-erase things. If you experience a sudden loss in vision, do not be alarmed; it is common for parts of your body to peace the fuck out during a traumatic event.
And I’m all for oldies getting theirs, but I’d rather stick to a ‘don’t ask, please for the love of god don’t tell’ policy when it comes to the details of memaws and pawpaws doing the one-armed Charleston. Barbara, I’m happy you’re (shudder) masturbating, but we don’t need to know anymore about Selfie. We don’t need to know what kind it is, where you bought it, where you use it, or who you’re using it to. But if I had to guess, it’s probably an old picture of Calvin Coolidge, right? No, wait, don’t answer that.
Pay Attention Madonna – This Is How ‘Sexy Twerking Memaw’ Is Done
Even though the word ‘twerk’ and the act of twerking are as dead to me as a bloated #YOLO washing up on the banks of the River Swag, I can still find some room in my heart to let in one last display of a white person trying to ass-bump an invisible ghost. Immediately after watching this video of Helen Mirren getting her twerk-on, I’m boarding up the coffin lid with nails and lowering it into the grave plot reserved for the Dutty Wine (because for some reason, that dance move is resurrected nightly in my kitchen after my 2nd glass of Baileys).
Because Dame Helen Mirren is the best at pretty fucking much everything, she was FINALLY given the Harvard Hasty Pudding award for Woman of the Year. I’m sure a meaningless award given by an American college might mean nothing to you, but for some of us, receiving a gold-plated snack bowl and getting to ride around in a convertible beside a dude dressed like Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez is the pinnacle of success. Plus, their award ceremony is more fun than the Oscars drunk booty calling the Golden Globes. During the ceremony, Helen was asked to play a game of charades and one of the words she got was TWERKING. After doing some weird shovelling gesture (is that what twerking is in England? “Just ‘avin a twerk in the garden with a fag”) she finally lets the DGAF wash over her and squats down for a rump pump.
Now, it’s not the best twerk game I’ve ever seen (I once saw a dude twerking at McDonalds for a McChicken sandwich) but it’s pretty damn good for an old one who’s been put on the spot and doesn’t even really want to do it. Plus, she didn’t have any music! If they knew they had a card in that pile that said TWERKING, then it’s their responsibility to also provide her with a couple of songs to pop dat pussy to. And maybe a shirtless dude to twerk on.
Here’s more of Dame Helen playing charades (I’m sure calling someone an Owl of Ga Hoole in an insult in one of the nerdier cosplay communities) and riding the Excuse My Beauty Express through town:
(Pics: Wenn)