OctoMom Is Off The Rails Again, But Was She Ever ON The Rails To Begin With?

TMZ has a video from last year of an obviously plastered OctoMom cackling like a hyena on helium in a hotel room before checking herself into rehab. In the video, OctoMom is losing whatever mind she has left and going full Taylor Armstrong by hysterically laughing while rolling around on the bed. It’s like something you’d find in one of the rooms at the dance academy in Suspiria. It’s a nightmare. Shortly after that video was shot, OctoMom checked herself into rehab, checked out and told everyone she was one hundred percent clean. But apparently, she isn’t.

TMZ says that OctoMom has traded her love of pills for her love of weed. Octo got her weed card and has been toking up all day, every day. Octo’s friends say that smoking the good shit has opened up the beast and she’s acting insane again. They’re afraid that if she’s always high, she won’t be able to take care of her child army. Last month, Octo’s crazy ass called her son’s school in a panic, because he didn’t make it home and she was convinced the bus didn’t drop him off. The school talked to the bus driver who said that he saw Octo pick her son up from the bus stop with his own eyes. The good shit must’ve eaten away the part of her brain that controls her short-term memory, because ho forgot about picking her son up from the bus stop. He was in his room the entire time.

That shit reminds me of that hilariously sad moment on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills when Taylor Armstrong didn’t know where her daughter was. A drunk as shit Taylor called up Kyle to say that she couldn’t come to the unveiling of Kim’s nose, because some rich dude was taking her on an overnight trip. Kyle was taking care of Taylor’s daughter Kennedy at the time, so she asked, “So I guess I’ll just keep Kennedy overnight.” Taylor then said something like, “Oh, she’s with you?” The dumb bitch didn’t know where her daughter was!

Obviously, Taylor and OctoMom should open up a daycare center together.

If I had 14 kids to feed, clothe and take care of, I’d have a weed mask permanently strapped to my face and I’d lose them all the time. A week wouldn’t go by without me saying, “Hey, where’s #12? I left him back at the supermarket? Ugh, I’m not going to drive all the way back there. He’ll be fine, it’s about time he make it on his own anyway.” But that’s why I don’t have 14 kids!

OctoMom’s Son Watched Her Self-Love Porn

Gina B (not to be confused with Gina G) the nanny who used to work for OctoMom and said that she gets drunk on vodka and cranberry juice all the time, is spilling more secrets and this one I didn’t need to know. I’m passing it on to you, because we will suffer and scrub the sucio images out of our brain with a rusty Chore Boy together!

OctoMom said a couple of months ago that the older members of her child army sort of know that the food she put on their table came from her tickling her twat on camera. Well if Gina is telling the truth, then at least one of Octo’s mom kids not only knows about the video, he’s seen it with his own eyes. (“So that’s why he always runs away screaming from the cafeteria when it’s open-faced meat lasagna day” said OctoMom’s son’s teacher.)

TMZ says that back in June, Gina ratted out Octo to Child Protective Services after finding out that the 11-year-old OctoKid was watching porn on his phone and it wasn’t just any porn, it was his mom’s porn. Octo somehow found out that her 11-year-old son was watching her scratch cat in her debut porn movie and asked Gina to block the site from his phone. Gina couldn’t block the site from his phone, because Octo wouldn’t give her the password to it. Octo apparently handled the situation herself by telling her son to stay away from porn.

Walking in on your parents doing stuff that you never want to see them doing is scarring enough, so I can only image the emotional scars that are left on your soul when you watch a video of your mom doing that to herself. That 11-year-old kid just won a free pass to do whatever the hell he wants.

Cop: So, I pulled you over, because there’s five bloody limbs hanging out of your trunk, you were driving 150 mph in a stolen car, you mowed down a litter of kittens, your backseat is filled with weed you stole from a medical marijuana dispensary, you reek of a Lohan and worst of all, you’re blasting a Carly Rae Jepsen song.

OctoKid: My mom is OctoMom and I watched her porn when I was 11.

Cop: Have a good night, sir. Drive safe. Do you need a police escort to the strip club?

And obviously, Octo should take away his phone and use the money to pay for daily, intensive hypnotherapy sessions.

OctoMom Is In Rehab

I know, that’s White Oprah’s trademarked parenting technique. LAWSUIT!

Anybody who has seen an OctoMom interview isn’t surprised that she’s hooked on Xanax (and possibly delicious vodka), because the crazy bitch talks like her brain just exploded and all the thoughts are pouring out of her mouth hole at once. TMZ says that OctoMom traded in her addiction to IVF for an addiction to pills and now she’s sitting in a Southern California rehab clinic to control her thirst for Xanax. OctoMom’s rep tells TMZ that she checked into Chapman House Rehabilitation Center over the weekend and left her entire child army with 3 nannies, 2 friends and 1 driver. Those 6 tortured souls will take care of OctoMom’s tribe of 14 chirruns while she’s dealing with some shit for the next 30 days. OctoMom’s rep said this:

“Nadya wanted to get off the Xanax she was prescribed by her doctor and learn to deal with her stress, exhaustion and anxiety with professional help with a team of doctors. Nadya wanted to deal with her issues and make sure she is the best mother she can be.”

OctoMom’s rep said that the rehab clinic is taking care of the bill even though she wanted to use some of her fap porn money to pay for it.

One of Octo’s former nannies, Gina B, tells Radar that Xanax isn’t her only mind number of choice. Gina says that Octo regularly guzzled from a water bottle filled with vodka and cranberry juice. Gina hasn’t ever seen Octo drive the child army around while she’s seven kinds of plastered, but Gina has heard stories about people stopping Octo from driving drunk.

OctoMom’s head is permanently pregnant with the crazy, but in her defense, if I had 14 screeching brats crawling all over me and begging for food all the time, I’d be fucked up on more than just Xanax. I don’t condone shooting heroin directly into your skull, but I do condone it if you have 14 kids to take care of on a fap porn star salary. I know OctoMom did this to herself and Child Protective Services should probably just call it a day by selling all of her kids in a Going Out of Business Sale, but it’s a miracle that she’s still lucid enough to know that the best way to skip out on all your responsibilities is to get an addiction to Xanax so you can take an all-expenses paid VACATION! Bitch still has one sanity cell left in her brain (no, she doesn’t).

OctoGROSS

What’s grosser than gross? No it’s not a joke, it’s this story I came across about Octomom. It’s disgusting enough that she forces us to think about her and sex at the same time with all of her nasty videos and Howard Stern appearances and pole dancing and other vomit inducing shit. But this story that I hope to hell is not true is, incredibly, far more disturbing than any of that stuff.

According to TMZ, a couple of her old nannies are throwing out allegations of child sexual abuse. Not that she abused her children, but that she allowed one of her boys to take one of her girls to the side where the nannies said he would touch her inappropriately. The nannies say that Octomom never tried to stop it, acted like it was no big deal, and they go on to talk about other neglect and abuse that they witnessed. Stay down, breakfast, stay down.

Octo says that the nannies are lying and I say HOLY FUCK I FUCKING HOPE SO. Ugh. All I know is if I ever want to abuse some kids, I’m taking my ass to Cali. CPS should just move the whole family into their facility so they can save themselves all the trips.

QOTD: The Older Members Of OctoMom’s Child Army Know About This

Officers from Child Protective Services who visit OctoMom’s future house of bad decisions, wherever that may be, might be wondering why Octo’s 11-year-old son stands in the corner with frozen eyes and a Magic Eraser in his hand that he uses to scrub the dark-sided images from his head. This is why. Octo tells Celebuzz (via Crushable) that she is completely honest with all fifty million of her kids and the older ones knows about her fap porn debut. I doubt they know that she hugged her clit with her fingers until her eyes rolled back, but they do sort of know that the piece of Wonder Bread they’re eating was bought with money she made from fucking her own body on camera. Octo puts it like this:

“I raise them in total honesty, so they’ll never have any resentment or harbor resentment when they grow up. They do [know] to a certain degree. They do not know the total details, but I raise them in total honesty.

They’re totally desensitized…our experiences allowed all of us to pull out strengths we didn’t know we possess.”

Octo truly is operating on a different frequency than the sane. Total honesty? I’m not a parent and I know that you’re not supposed to fill your children’s ears with the truth all the time. That’s just crazy bitch talk. If the world becomes an even more fucked up place by me becoming somebody’s dad, I’m so not going to tell them the truth. I’m going to lie to them all the time. It’s the best thing for everyone. “No, kid, I wasn’t drinking drunk juice while watching you and your little friends play in the park. It was grape juice and it was unsweetened, which is why I didn’t give you any. I don’t know why your friends told you that. They must have a disease that makes them lie all the time! I forbid you to see them anymore! Not really, but I’ve always wanted to say that.” “No, kid, I can’t buy you that candy. Did you know that every time a parent gives into their kid’s whines and buys them a candy at the checkout lane, a kitten gets diabetes?“

The only thing I won’t lie to my kid bout is the Santa thing. I won’t let some fake bitch get all the credit for me standing in a long ass line with a bunch of assholes at KMart on December 24th to buy some dumb toy.

That being said, it was good of Octo to tell her kids. When they go on the Internet and Google “How can I get a pack of wolves to adopt me?”, they’ll eventually somehow run into their mom’s self-fuck video. They’re going to find out anyway.

And when Octo tells her kids about her ear-murdering song, they’ll each respond by doing this:

Come Into OctoMom’s “Sexy Party”

Today’s theme is turning into “songs that’ll make your ear holes give birth to two terrifying bundles of bloody screams,” so let’s go all the way with this clip of OctoMom’s first (and hopefully for the sake of EVERYTHING, last) song called “Sexy Party,” which would make sense as a title if “sexy” was another word for “painful” and “party” was another word for “death.”

TMZ posted a clip of Octo’s latest attempt at #gettingmoneybitch and it’s as terrible as it’s cover and it’s totally the reason for why I have anal leakage. (Yes, it’s the reason for my anal leakage. I’m sticking to that. I’m sticking to other things too, but I’m mostly sticking to that right now.) The clip is short, so it won’t hurt that much, but it’s still the morning after pill of songs.

Auto-tune truly is the work of Lucifer, because it makes any and every fame whoring tone-deaf trick think they can throat fart out lyrics in a song. But you know, it could be worse, it could be another one of Farrah Abrawhatever’s songs. And did that bitch just name drop “Octoloan“?!