Last night was the Los Angeles premiere of Gifted, the movie where recent exes Jenny Slate and Chris Evans met each other (and then subsequently got together after she gave her husband walking papers). Most exes would probably rather fake diarrhea than pose and smile next to an ex, but not Jenny and Chris. Jenny and Chris love each other so much. They have nothing but cavity-triggering sweetness to say about each other. And Chris is still saying nice things about Jenny. Chris recently told USA Today that you can’t find “something bad to say about her.” No no, we know that Chris – you’ve proved that already.
Jenny and Chris may look awkward and uncomfortable in that picture above, but I’m sure that’s just because they’re reacting to a reporter that dared them to say something not-nice about each other. That wasn’t the case all night. Eventually they looked more than happy to see each other.
chris evans and jenny slate at the gifted premiere just killed what was left of my soul. pic.twitter.com/H4PWy0LoO4
— Anna Menta (@annalikestweets) April 5, 2017
So much smiling! They look like they belong on a box of Kashi Good Friends cereal. But for all that smiling, they got lazy where it counts. I’m talking about their outfits. It’s not enough that you say you’re still great friends, you’ve got to show us you’re great friends. If Jenny and Chris are as great of friends as they claim they are, then it’s insane to me that they didn’t oversell it on the red carpet. No matching his and hers I’m With THE BEST t-shirts? No gold-plated broken heart BFF necklaces? I’m just so disappointed in their commitment to a post-dating friendship.
During last night’s Oscars, Dakota Johnson presented with her Fifty Shades Duller co-star Jamie Dornan, and they did a hilarious bit where they pretended to have chemistry with each other. Clearly Dakota was afraid all the crotch-searing sexuality between her and Jamie would be too much for the audience to handle, and she dressed accordingly. And by accordingly, I mean she counter-balanced it by dressing in an unsexy satin nightgown situation that was made by Gucci.
Because why decide on just one when you can help yourself to both? Kate Hudson wanted it all: underboob, underwear, sequined black censor bars, a giant flower putting another flower in a choke-hold, fancy little capes for her shoulders. Kate pulled up to fashion’s drive-thru speaker and ordered everything on the menu.
Razzie nominee Kate Hudson was at the SAG Awards last night as a presenter, which might be why she went red carpet casual by wearing a Dior dress with boxers underneath. If she tries to conceal her underwear by pulling her dress up higher, she’s gonna flash a whole lot of nipple. If she tries to cover up her underboob by pulling her top down a little, she’s going to show tons of underwear. Ha, listen to me – acting like Goldie’s thirsty daughter would ever be concerned with covering up an underboob situation.
Hints of glittery titty was a bit of a theme last night.
A wise ho once told me “You can be classy, sassy, or assy” (truly wise words to live by), and since we’ve already covered sassy and assy, here’s Lupita Nyong’o working some classy. Lupita is the definition of class to begin with, but she could have shown up wearing a pearl-covered coochie shield and I still would have thrown her into the classy pile, because pearls are classy as hell. You could throw the trashiest, dirtiest skank in a pearl necklace (not THAT kind), and you’d be all “Excuse me, madame – may I offer you a glass of Champale and a cigarette that I didn’t roll myself just now in the bathroom?”
But really, what more is there to say about Lupita Nyong’o’s amazing pearl-encrusted Oscar dress than: PEARLS. So many pearls. Every pearl. Sorry, oysters, all your pearls are belong to us. And by us, I mean Lupita; she has all your pearls now. Your job here is done, oysters; all you have now is being delicious when shucked raw and topped with mignonette sauce. And to Lupita’s stylist (who I assume is Pearl Van Oyster from The Waterville Gang), good job on the diamond earrings; I think pearls would have been too on-the-nose.
Here’s more of Lupita looking like the Atlantis entry into the Miss Universe pageant, as well as just about every other fancy dressed type at the Oscars last night, including Julianne Moore, JLo looking like the textbook definition of JLo, and the ghost of my last duvet Marion Cotillard:
Screw the editors of Gravity, American Hustle and that Captain Phillips shit! The biggest achievement in editing for this year and last year and all years goes to who ever edited the Independent Spirit Awards last night. AMERICAN CITIZEN Laura Jeanne Poon, who looks like she’s got an AMERICAN CITIZEN FETUS lying in her AMERICAN CITIZEN UTERUS, was presenting the award for Best Screenplay with the Texas T-Rex at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday and after the winner was announced they cut to hos clapping in the audience and one of those clappity clapping hos was Laura Jeanne Poon. How did she do it!? Laura Jeanne Poon is a witch! Laura Jeanne Poon is a teleporter! Laura Jeanne Poon has a twin! Laura Jeanne Poon has road runner legs and can get from the stage to her seat in seconds!
But really, who can we trust if we can’t trust the director and editors of award shows to give us authentic and real clips of celeb whores clapping? We should question all celebrity clapping cutaways. We should question everything. And on a different note, Anne Hathaway is probably hating on Laura Jeanne Poon hard right now, because it’s her wet dream of all wet dreams to watch herself in the audience clapping for herself on stage.
And here’s pictures of a bunch of tricks who showed up to the Spirit awards yesterday. Come for The Hammaconda (“I have already, a few times today, actually”– you) and stay for John Waters.
Bad news for anybody who lives near Angela Lansbury. You’re going to have to protect yourself under a full body umbrella when you leave your house, because Angela Lansbury is not going to stop squirting out a geyser of victory over the news that NBC has decided to put the Murder, She Wrote reboot back on the shelves. NBC has decided to put all their time, energy, cash and powers of butchery into rebooting Father Dowling Mysteries with Dane Cook and Whitney Cummings instead. I’m joking. I hope.
Octavia Spencer was supposed to play a Jessica Fletcher-type who works as a hospital administrator by day and solves mysteries during her off time, but that’s not going to happen anymore. Deadline says that NBC has spared Octavia Spencer from that bad idea and have decided to put to the side for now. The main hos at NBC decided to spend some time on the reboot and spin it into a new concept. Yeah, that’s their story, but you know they decided to shred it into peacock food after they all left a restaurant together one night. As they were waiting for their cars, ice cold fear crawled up their spines and they suddenly felt the uneasy anxiety a brat feels when they make the mistake of crossing their abuelita. They all looked down the street and there behind the wheel of her parked Kia Soul was Angela Lansbury waving a switch at them. Nothing will make you change your life choices like a mad old grandma waving a switch at you from behind the wheel of her Kia Soul.
Angela made it crystal cunt clear that she’s spitting on the reboot and the whole idea made her want to cut a whore with her knitting needle. NBC says they’re going to try the reboot again, but they won’t. They learned a lesson. Never fuck with Angela Lansbury.
Angela Lansbury: Still the boss bitch of Hollywood.
(GIF via WFMU)