The Future President Of The United States And The Future First Lady At The Correspondents Dinner

The White House Corespondents Dinner (aka the event that Sarah Palin rage watches on TV every year like a lonely 11th grader sitting all alone in her car parked in the lot of the prom she wasn’t invited to)  happened in DC last night and it’s usually a real trash heap of an event filled with gutter skanks like Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan and Spencer Pratt. But they decided to switch things up this year and bring in some real stars and beauty! Sure, there were still some hos there whose one brain cell would spit out an error 405  if you asked them to spell “correspondents” (see: Jessica Simpson), but the presence of ROJO CALIENTE made up for that!

Rojo Caliente blessed the WHCD with her glorious gingerness last night, because she’s in politics now and it’s only a matter of time before she’s voted in as President and moves into the White House (sorry, Hillary). Our future First Lady Cynthia Nixon was Rojo’s date and judging by that dress, we know her focus will be recycling when she moves into the White House. Because you know that ratty couch from the 60s your hoarding memaw just couldn’t let go of and put on the back porch where it became a bed to the raccoons who troll around her yard? Well, Cynthia Nixon ripped the fabric off of that back porch couch and used it to make the dress she wore last night.

Believe it or not, last night’s events weren’t canceled so that everyone could watch Rojo eat and slowly sip champagne. The events and jokes went on. Obama told jokes between two ferns!

And the poster child for good plugs Joel McHale told jokes too!

But the real entertainment came from watching the beige polyester panties of all the old people bunch up into their ass cheeks as they got highly offended by Joel’s jokes.

And here’s a few pictures from last night’s nerd prom including my best dressed of the night Rose McGowan who delivered some boudoir chic by wrapping a black silk sheet around a teddy.

Pics: Getty, Splash

ICYMI: President Obama On Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis

President Barack Obama appeared on Zach Galifianakis’s fake-ish/real-ish talk show Between Two Ferns to promote the Affordable Healthcare Act website and generally be very Obama-y. But I forgot everything important he was trying to say the second they started throwing POTUS-level shade at each other, and I loved it even if it is obviously scripted to hell and back (I don’t doubt Barry can read a bitch, but unless he spends all of his downtime watching Drag Race clips, he’s not that quick).

The video is six-and-a-half minutes long, which in internet video time is like watching the fucking Lord of the Rings movies back to back, (perspective: you could literally re-watch that slutty iguana make out with a golf ball 13 times) but it’s worth watching the whole thing just to see Obama make the same exasperated over-it face he probably makes every time an email from Sarah Palin pop up in his inbox.

Jonathan Davis Is On To You, Obama, He’s On To You!

I haven’t thought about Korn since watching a stripper awkwardly pussy pop to “Bitch We Got A Problem” at a strip club in 2008, but yesterday TMZ shat up a piece of Korn back into my brain when they posted a clip of Jonathan Davis getting deep about President Obama using Miley Cyrus’ suffocating pussy lips to distract us from his evil plan to solely takeover the country. Jonathan Davis’ dreads are hairy rods that hold super secret political secrets (he probably has the ending to America’s favorite political documentary Scandal stuck in there).

At LAX, TMZ asked Jonathan about Korn’s video for “Spike In My Veins” which is full of clips of Miley, Kanye, Rob Ford, Justin Bieber and other hos who are always splattered against our TV screens. Jonathan says that when the media was farting out nothing but clips of Miley’s VMAs performance, Obama was quietly passing a law giving him the power to throw any of us into a prison cell anytime he wants. MAKES COMPLETE SENSE! Gossip Cop broke down the truth according to the guy from Korn:

“I think that our government uses [celebrities] to distract from what’s really going on,” explained Davis.

Referring to Cyrus’ infamous VMAs appearance and the subsequent media storm, Davis offered this theory: “When that went down, Barack Obama passed a law that made him basically a dictator… he can imprison whoever he wants.”

Somebody’s been mainlining that Ted Nugent shit, I see.

What’s crazy is that what Jonathan Davis is saying isn’t totally crazy. Miley’s nasty gunk ass tongue is bringing us all to our knees, and if you asked a normal American to name one CNN anchor they’d probably say A.J. Hammer. (Was there any other?!) But if Obama is dangling messes in front of us to distract us from noticing that he’s slowly taking away all our freedoms, can he PLEASE at least dangle better famous whores in front of us? Before he becomes our sole overlord, can he please hypnotize us with an Andrew Shue sex tape or a new Stacey Q album or a Kids Incorporated reunion season? Can he please drop Miley and use Martika as a political hypnotizing tool instead?!

Call Olivia Pope! President Obama And Beyonce Are Doing It, So Says A French Paper

File this under: Obama and Beyonce fanfic written by Beyonce.

In totally real and not-at-all made up news, the French newspaper le Figaro (via Jezebel) reported this morning that there’s a good explanation for why Beyonce always beams from her face at President Obama like he’s a pile of virgin Indian hair or like he’s a picture of Beyonce: they’re fucking on each other. A French photographer named Pascal Rostain (which I’m pretty sure is French for “Michelle Williams In Need Of A Quick Check“) tells le Figaro that Beyonce is the Marilyn Monroe to Obama’s JFK and that The Washington Post is going to break this ESCANDALOSONESS tomorrow. When I ran a piece of le Figaro’s article through Google Translate (from French Bullshit into English Bullshit) this came out:

This morning, the paparazzi Pascal Rostain invited the largest direct media on Europe 1, supported this rumor by saying that the American press ( Washington Post in this case) would report tomorrow Tuesday a ” affair ” between Barack Obama and Beyoncé. “You know, at this time, the United States , there is something big that is happening ,” said he explained to micro Jean- Marc Morandini. Moreover, it will come out tomorrow in the Washington Post. We can not say that it is the gutter press, a supposed connection between President Barack Obama and Beyoncé. I can assure you that the world will talk . “

France’s Gala magazine picked up this story and added another layer of manufactured messiness to it. They also say that Beyonce is the First Side Piece of America and Obama and Michelle Obama are getting a divorce soon. Pascal Rostain continued to mouth shit out more hilariousness:

“There are [photographs and] television images of the Obamas [in which they are] a little distant. Just because it’s a rumor doesn’t mean that one should not go into the field to check. We should not forget Marilyn [Monroe] or Monica Lewinsky. You can be the president of the first world power — that doesn’t make you any less a man.”

HipHollywood points out that some hos are throwing a side-eye at this shit because of the timing. French President Francois Hollande is meeting with Obama in the US this week and he’s currently going through a scandal of his own. Hollande cheated on his girlfriend Valérie Trierweiler by passing his peen to French actress Juliet Gayet for two years.

The Washington Post has already said that they aren’t running a story about Obama having an affair with Sasha Home Wrecker.

Thank you to the French, once again, for showing hos how gossip is truly done. If you’re going to lie, lie big. Basement Baby just poured herself a second cup of lukewarm moth tea and is having the kiki of all kikis with the basement mice and her dusty Destiny’s Child dolls. This is pretty ridiculous since Beyonce thinks she’s the Queen of Every Universe and would never lower herself to the position of First Side Piece, but I still love le Figaro for giving me the image of Michelle Obama sniffing Obama’s dick for the scent of wig glue and a Maya Angelou poem.

Beyonce Performed At Michelle Obama’s 50th Birthday Party

As expected, the First Lady of the Illuminati performed at the 50th birthday party of the First Lady of the United States on Saturday night. Beyonce (the gorgeous blonde white woman in the picture above) put on one of Tina Turner’s old dresses and sang “Single Ladies” and “Irreplaceable” for Michelle Obama while Obama did the Dougie in front of 500 guests. It was just like my mom’s 50th birthday party, but instead of Obama doing the dougie, my drunk tio did the barefoot salsa and instead of Beyonce performing, we played a warped Hector Lavoe cassette on a battery-powered Boombox.

The Chicago Tribune says that guests including the Clintons, Jennifer Hudson, Kal Penn, the Bidens, Nancy Pelosi, Donna Brazile, Sir Paul McCartney, Janelle Monae, Ashley Judd, Billie Jean King and Al “White House Sharter” Roker all sipped champagne as Beyonce, John Legend and Stevie Wonder entertained their asses. It was a no cell phone party and they didn’t want anybody uploading pictures to social media. But that didn’t stop Beyonce from taking pictures before and after the party. Beyonce put a bunch of pics on her site including that one above of her with Bo. Or maybe that’s Sunny. All black dogs look the same to me. (No dog racist.)

What’s really fucked up is that Beyonce obviously made her Photoshop team spend hours on touching her up, yet she couldn’t ask them to fix Bo’s eye? Poor Bo. Beyonce made him the Michelle Williams of White House dogs. And if the pictures of Blue Ivy Carter are from this weekend, then the Obamas are just like us! They keep their Christmas tree up until February and if they’re really like my mom, they’ll plant the dead tree in the backyard and pretend it looks pretty.

Pics: iam.beyonce

Bo Obama’s Got A New Little Sister

Since the British royal family’s official portraits leaked today, the Obamas just had to show those hos up (served on a fresh bed of sarcasm) by announcing the newest member of their family. Today, The White House welcomed Sunny, the newest dog who gets to make Joe Biden giggle by sniffing on his crotch:

Sunny was born in Michigan in June 2012, and arrived at the White House today. Just like Bo, she’s a Portuguese Water Dog, which works great for the Obamas because of allergies in their family.

Sunny is the perfect little sister for Bo – full of energy and very affectionate – and the First Family picked her name because it fit her cheerful personality.

The first thing Sunny needs to do is go to the dog salon, because that helmet on her head is not it. She looks like she’s got a helmet of carpet on top of her head. She looks like living topiary. Get that hair fixed, Sunny.

And because I had to, I went to Facebook to read the comments about Sunny Obama and my eyes landed on this:

Great more expense for TAX PAYERS, guess he’ll get his own HELICOPTER to!!!!

Helicopter? Tacky! Sunny Obama obviously only travels on a white satin bed carried by cats.