Category: Nutty Madam

RPattz On Twihards: “What Do They Do All Day?”

August 22, 2013 / Posted by:

Robert Pattinson’s either sniffing to find out if the scent of Rupert Sanders’ saliva is finally off of his finger or he’s wondering what the Twihards are doing right this second.

RPattz did an interview with the German edition of Interview Magazine about Dior Homme’s fragrance, which he’s the face of, and since you can only talk about cologne for so long, they asked him about his nickname and Twihards. RPattz has said before that nothing takes the sparkles out of his skin like hearing the nickname RPattz. He told Interview that he wants to choke out the “fat celebrity blogger” who came up with it. via HuffPo:

The “Twilight” star spoke to the German edition of Interview magazine as the new face of Dior’s Homme and had some choice words for one particular blogger.

“I’d like to strangle the guy who came up with it!” Pattinson said, reports InTouch. According to the magazine, the actor would only refer to the aforementioned guy as “some fat celebrity blogger.”

I’m only fat from my nipples to my knees, so my neck is safe. But now that RPattz says that the name RPattz makes him want to commit murder, I’ll never stop calling him RPattz RPattz RPattz RPattz RPattz.

Interview also asked him about the group of crazies known as Twihards who have helped to make him a trillionaire and he said that doesn’t really understand them:

“The real odd thing about this ‘Twilight’ target group is that they aren’t really teenagers. Most of them are older. ‘Twilight’ has its own parallel world, its own fan culture that has been forming on the net since day one. And in an intense way that has never existed before. Sometimes I ask myself what these masses of people do the whole day. They sit in front of their computers and comment on anything having even remotely to do with ‘Twilight.’ So it’s actually really exciting – at least up to point when I became part of that phenomenon.”

HAHAHAHAHA. But really, what does he mean he doesn’t know what they do all day? Is RPattz really acting like he doesn’t know that their day goes something like this:

8am – Roll out of the Twilight sleeping bag they cocooned themselves in.
8:02am – Smear body glitter all over their mouth with a Twidildo so it looks like they just gave Edward Cullen a morning beej.
8:20am – Make a breakfast shake with the trash they stole from RPattz’s garbage cans.
9:00am – Give themselves a sink bath, carefully making sure that they don’t wipe the spot on their hand where RPattz’s bodyguard once swatted them away when they tried to touch his face. RPattz must’ve touched his bodyguards hand at least once, so it’s like one degree of touch separation.
9:10am – Pray at their ROBSTENISUNBROKEN altar.
1pm – Leave ALL CAPS, RAGE-FILLED COMMENTS on every anti-Robsten post on every blog and on Twitter.
5pm – Continue to write the Twatlight fanfiction they plan to submit to Vintage Books.
5:15pm – Do a live performance of one of the Twatlight movies using their cats (both alive and taxidermy).
8pm – Wallpaper their bedroom ceiling with new paparazzi pics of KStew and RPattz.
9pm – Cry on their kitchen floor while eating spoonfuls of Bisquick powder out of the box.
10pm – Have a snuggle date with their Edward Cullen body pillow.

Doesn’t he know that?! I swear, how could RPattz mess with Nutty Madam’s emotions like this?

nuttymadamcrying

Oh, I forgot to add: 4:30pm – fake cry on YouTube about how much you miss Twatlight.

And here’s RPattz kissing on Mia Wasikowska while filming Cronenberg’s Map to the Stars in L.A.

Pics: FameFlynet, Wenn.com

ROBSTEN ARE BROKEN!!!!! For Now……

May 18, 2013 / Posted by:

I’m typing this from a make-shift raft made out of a door, because all of the Twihards have flooded the world with their tears after finding out that ROBSTEN ARE BROKEN (For now)!!!!!! You’d think that all of the Twihards would’ve cried out all the water in their bodies when Kristen Stewart did dry butt sex with Rupert Sanders, but I guess they must’ve replenished their fluids since then, because they are crying like they’ve never cried before! People (aka Voice of the Publicist Weekly) has announced that RPattz is done with smearing his hobo cheese all over Kristen Stewart’s body for now. Just like KStew and RPattz, People’s article about this shit is kind of awkward and wishy washy:

As rumors of relationship trouble continue to swirl, a source tells PEOPLE that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have called it quits after more than three years of dating. Reps for the two could not be reached.

But the source says it would not be surprising if the on-and-off-again pair got back together again.

What I’m taking that to mean is that since the final Twatlight movie is already out on DVD, their contract is expired EXPIRED and they might renegotiate….. but she’s going to smoke a few bowls (or a few hundred bowls) and think about it. They’ll get back together whenever one of them has some shit to promote. But right now, the only thing I care about is Nutty Madam’s response to this shit:

Nutty Madam has either exploded and pieces of her are falling all over Britain right now or she’s hiding in the bushes in front of RPattz’s house and is ready to attack him now that he’s single.

Nutty Madam Finally Breaks Her Silence On Kristen Stewart’s Cheating Ways

July 25, 2012 / Posted by:

I was going to say that Nutty Madam gives me life, but then I realized that YAAASSSS-ing at this video means I officially have no life and am not capable of ever getting one. And this right here needs to play on a loop in the waiting room of every mental hospital’s Twihard Ward.

(Thanks, Lynn)

Nutty Madam Creams Over The New Twilight Trailer So You Don’t Have To

September 14, 2011 / Posted by:

Twatlight: Breaking Hymen made a number two on the internet last night by releasing its second trailer and not one second of it has scooted across my eye balls or ear drums. There really is no point. The only reason that Latter-day Saints lady wrote Twilight was so they could make movies, and the only reason the movies were made was so that there could be trailers for Nutty Madam to react to on YouTube. Nutty Madam is the throbbing clitoris of Twatlight. This much is true.

So why watch the trailer when you can BE the trailer and watch as Nutty Madam loses her virginity, gives birth, has a coronary, dies, turns into a ghost and gets spooked by her ghost reflection in the mirror all in the span of just a few minutes. Yes, Nutty Madam is definitely turning up the levels of ridiculousness and the panty putting pot pie she gives birth to might not be made of completely authentic ingredients, but it still wouldn’t be Twilight Trailer Day without her.

You know, sometimes when my spirit is broken and I feel like I’m trapped in the middle of a Sam Cooke song, I lift myself up by doing the following:

1. Bring up a Nutty Madam reaction video.
2. Mute it and make it full screen.
3. Take off all my panties.
4. Put on this song:

(Sidenote: Edward and that Jacob trick should really settle their feud with a dance off.)

5. Daaance daaaance daaaaance in front of Nutty Madam.
6. Allow my spirit to turn its frown into a smile as my hot naked dance moves send Nutty Madam on a roller coaster ride of emotions.

You should do the same. Doing this will take you higher faster than masturbating while eating ice cream will. Guaranteed! It will also leave you permanently dry in certain parts, but there’s a price for everything!

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