Eyes That Only A Cucumber Could Love

Okay, that headline is not entirely true or fair. Yes, cucumbers would love to gently lay on top of Vince Vaughn’s swollen stuffed bags and soothe them until they no longer look like miniature versions of Lisa Rinna’s anal gland lips, but we can all learn to love them. If you look at them through permanent perverted eyes (aka my eyes) and access the part of your imagination that’s run by your genitals, Vince Vaughn’s double carry-on eye bags sort of, kind of look like tiny crooked labias! If you look at ’em that way, then you will definitely love them. How can you not love labia eye bags?

If you sat on his peen and stuck your tongue between his under eye pussy bags, it would be like having a simplified bi-sexual threesome! And you don’t have to worry about an extra pair of legs kicking you in the head. I bet there’s a little cream in between there, so it would be like eating the real thing! Since I put it that way, right?

Here’s more of Labia Eyes Vaughn at last night’s Chrysalis Butterfly Ball in L.A. with: Ashley Greene, Meadow Soprano, Jennifer Garner, Olivia Wilde, Noxzema Girl, McSteamy, Brad from The Chupa Zoe Project, Sienna Miller’s ex-whore with his wife, a midget lesbian in drag as Steve Buscemi and Ryan Phillippe.

Awkward Family Photos

Oh, Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart always hang out with their baby while not wearing tops. You know, Eric, Rebecca and Kari Ann Peniche lounge around with only their nipples on while baby is trying to climb the tripod to turn the camera OFF. So it’s no surprise that they are all half-nekkid on the cover of UsWeekly. This was obviously a project with AFP.com.

The most offensive thing about this cover is McSteamy’s black heart tattoo which looks like it belongs on a 13-year-old Goth girl’s Emily the Strange folder. The other offensive thing is the choice of words. McSteamy does diapers? That mess sounds like the title of a NOT RIGHT scat porn. Even I’ll pass.

In the issue, McSteamy and the Noxzema Girl talk all about how their baby daughter changed their lives. Noxzema Girl said, “We felt so blessed. The moment we’ve been waiting for finally came.” McSteamy added, “It changes how you look at things and how you feel about things. I like to think of myself as an artist — but now I’m working for my kid. Now I’m a father. I’ve got a lunch pail, I go to work and I come home and I make sure my kid is taken care of, and I make sure my wife is take care of. Childbirth is a miracle, and we’ve created this life.”

Back to the cover, is it just me or is Baby Billie trying to push daddy away while thinking to herself, “DO NOT WANT.” Yeah, probably. And what the hell is Noxzema Girl doing back there? WHERE IS HER OTHER HAND?!