Category: Not The One

St. Angie Jolie Has Hired The Real-Life Olivia Pope To Help With Her Divorce

September 29, 2016 / Posted by:

People reports that Angelina Jolie is not at all fucking around and has hired Judy Smith to help clean up the splatters that landed on her image when her marriage exploded in front of everyone. Judy Smith is a fixer who inspired Shonda Rhimes to create Scandal and the character of Olivia Pope. Because St. Angie hired the real-life Olivia Pope, it looks like she may be trying to get a job with the United Nations, and in a few months, she’ll have that gig as Brad Pitt sits in a prison cell after a dead hooker is found in the trunk of his car! And if St. Angie is trying to hide something, it’ll stay forever hidden! I don’t watch Scandal (I know, I have terrible taste), but I do watch Ray Donovan and I’m assuming that Olivia Pope is kind of like Ray. And “dead hooker in the car trunk” is a total Ray Donovan move.

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That Ukrainian “Prankster” Struck Again And This Time Gigi Hadid Struck Back

September 22, 2016 / Posted by:

That professional Ukrainian asshole Vitalii Sediuk has been banned from many red carpet events and even got in trouble the law for trying to give Brad Pitt a dry crotch-sucking, but dude obviously hasn’t learned that getting into someone’s personal space for attention isn’t such a good idea. Vitalii has already built himself a long ass resume of fuckery by trying to mouth kiss Will Smith without permission, trying to give Bradley Cooper a dry beej, crotch-hugging Leonardo DiCatchAHo and climbing up America Ferrera’s dress. And yesterday in Milan, he screwed with Gigi Hadid and she proved that she’s a junior member of the Not The One Club by elbowing him in the face.

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Shonda Rhimes Admits That She’s Killed Off A Character Because She Hated The Actor

November 14, 2015 / Posted by:

I can’t read minds, but I’m sure both Viola Davis and Ellen Pompeo are both thinking: “Everything is good! So good! It’s good that she does the things she does! I love you!Shonda Rhimes IS Anthony Freemont!

During a recent appearance on The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore to promote her book, The Year of Yes (which I’m sure will get turned into an insanely-successful TV show by ABC, because everything Shonda Rhimes touches turns to money), Shonda Rhimes was asked if she’s ever knocked-off a character because the actor was chapping her ass. Ha! I’m sure Patrick Dempsey could answer that for you. Or Katherine Heigl. Or any of the other actors who found a Notice of Eviction taped to the door of their trailer after an on-set fight with Shonda Rhimes. Shonda has said before that she has a “No assholes” policy when it comes to actors, so her answer isn’t exactly surprising.

“Yes, and I’m not naming names.”

If you really want to see Shonda’s face light up when thinking about all the hos she’s sent to the unemployment line, you can watch it here.

Shonda doesn’t name names, but if those “McDreamy is a McDifficult Bitch” rumors from the set of Grey’s Anatomy are any clue, then it’s probably him. Then again, maybe the whole “I’m not naming names” thing could be that it was some nameless background actor who asked to borrow $5 from Shonda Rhimes and never paid her back? Yeah, it’s probably Patrick Dempsey.

See, this is why TV world is so much better than the real world. In the real world, when one of your co-workers eats the last of your PopTarts from the staff room, you can’t do shit besides silently cursing them out at your desk. But in TV world, all it takes is a trip to the writer’s room with a post-it note reading: “…and then that snack-stealing asshole is abducted by aliens and never seen again.” Problem solved!

Pic: Splash

Don’t EVER Walk Through Deborah Norville’s Shot

September 18, 2015 / Posted by:

Who knew that Deborah Norville from Inside Edition and that cunt-hearted Hungarian cameralady who tripped those Syrian refugees trained together at the Crazy Bitch Journalist Academy?

Publicists, models, reporters, celebrities and anybody else who dares to step on the same red carpet as Deborah Norville better beware and better come prepared. If you see Debbie The Terrible with a mic in her hand and a camera in her face, you better grab a taser, put on some armor and proceed at your own risk, because she will kick you down if you screw with her shot. Page Six says that Deborah Norville, who has been on Inside Edition since practically the beginning of time, worked a Harper’s Bazaar party in NYC on Wednesday night and a bunch of rude bitches did not give her the respect that she truly deserves.

A witness says that Deborah was interviewing celebrities for a sponsor and she slowly started to rage when rude ass model after rude ass model walked through her shot during filming. Deborah’s rage hit a boiling point and she snapped when a publicist walked through. While keeping a manufactured smile glued onto her face, Deborah kicked the publicist and kept on, kept on…

She’d had enough when “a publicist walked through her shot while she was talking to Jean-Paul Goude,” and “Deborah took out all her anger. She kicked the woman, hard, all while continuing to smile for the camera and ask questions,” a shocked spy said.

Deborah’s terror on the red carpet didn’t end there. The witness says she also hijacked interviews from other reporters:

“A celeb would be going to talk to someone and [Norville] would just bust in, ‘I’m Deborah Norville!’ You’d think it was the Oscars . . . or ‘The Hunger Games,’ ” sniffed a witness. “[She was] practically tackling celebrities.”

Not only was Deborah tackling “celebrities,” but she was also mistaking them for their sister. Deborah apparently screamed “Willow!” when Jaden Smith walked by.

Everybody in this story but Deborah Norville is in the wrong. Interviewing Zzz-listers at some stupid fashion party is a serious and competitive game and you gotta be in it to win it. Deborah is not the one and everyone is lucky she didn’t bring one of her double pointed knitting needles with her. Because she would’ve definitely cut a whore up and stepped over their corpse to interview someone from a show on The CW.

And here’s Ireland Baldwin and Willow Smith outside of that Harper’s Bazaar party.

Pics: Splash

Kensington Palace Tells The Paparazzi To Stop Taking Unauthorized Pictures Of Prince George Or Else!

August 14, 2015 / Posted by:

Kensington Palace is not fucking around and today the town crier stood in the middle of the square and yelled out “Hear Ye! Hear Ye!” before reading a 60,000 word statement to the paparazzi and the media about why it’s wrong to take and publish unauthorized pictures of the royal children. The statement says that the paparazzi are stalking Prince George and are taking pictures of him outside of public events using shady tactics like long lenses and hiding in bushes. Some publications, mostly in the US, France, Germany, Australia and New Zealand have published the pictures. Kensington Palace wants the paps and the media to let Prince George live his life. “Our impact has gone international!” – Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard

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Things Got Weird During A Recent Interview With An Over-It Mila Kunis

June 25, 2014 / Posted by:

During the press tour for her new movie Third Person, Mila Kunis gave an interview to Stephen Whitty of the Star-Ledger, and she must have woken up on the wrong side of Ashton Kutcher’s day-old AXE fog, because she was serving up some irritated ingrown toenail realness by acting like a difficult bitch.

The interviewer began by asking how she was feeling, since it’s no longer a secret that Mila is carrying around a joey in her pouch, considering she’s talked to Marie Claire about how gross it will be when the baby turns her pussy into a pulled pork sandwich on the way out, to which Mila hissed: “I don’t talk about that for publication.” So he asked her about moving away from comedies like Ted and moving into more dramatic roles, and she didn’t much care for that either:

“I hate when people ask me this question. People have this misconception that comedy’s easy. I’m always looking for challenges and I find a lot of things to be challenging.”

He then tried to ask Mila why she got into acting (“Tell us about the day you got the life-changing call from Lisa Frank…”), but again, she wasn’t having it:

“Honestly asking a nine-year-old why, who knows? It was just a fun thing to do. There was nothing else to it. I don’t know if that’s the answer you’re fishing for.”

So she didn’t want to talk about being pregnant and she didn’t want to talk about her transition from That 70’s Show’s Jackie to being a SERIOUS ACTRESS in heavy Oscar-bait shit, so he decided to ask her about what it was like moving from the Ukraine to the US when she was a kid. That’s when Mila pulled down her pants and took a giant pregnancy dump all over the interview to signify she was OFFICIALLY over-it:

“I’ve talked about me moving to America in a hundred interviews. It’s the most mundane subject possible, it’s like everyone’s immigrant story.”

“I know what your next question is so let’s just skip it. You’re going to ask me what I think about what’s going on now in Ukraine. Just because I lived there until I was seven doesn’t mean I identify with Ukraine.”

Damn Jackie, what happened? Actually, I think I know exactly what happened. Mila has said before that the fetus growing inside of her has made her seriously crave vinegary foods like pickles and sauerkraut, and I have heard from some pregnant bitches that the fetus doesn’t fuck around and sometime it can make you turn on the foods you once craved. So maybe Mila woke up that morning expecting to dive head-first into a giant jar of Vlasics, but instead was shocked when human bottle of douche Ashton leaned in to say Good Morning and his vinegar-scented kisses gave her a case of the dry heaves and put her in a shit mood for the rest of the day.

Pic: Splash

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