Category: Not The Look

What In Apply Twice-Daily Prescription Ointment Hell Is Happening Here

June 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Last Night, recently knocked up Kim Kardashian and kurrent husband Kanye West went to the CFDA Fashion Awards. I don’t know if it has something to do with Kim’s heavy metal genital warts dress or that my computer is just trying to give me a message, but every time I typed CFDA Fashion Awards, it kept autocorrecting to CDC Fashion Awards. Since I’ve already had a long hard talk with my computer about “that rash down there” being the result of purchasing a Groupon to a place called Ripper’s Discount Waxing, it’s probably in reference to Kim’s dress.

UsWeekly says that Kim’s dress is Proenza Schouler, but it also looks like something I would have made in a lazy attempt to get a Girl Scouts crafting badge using a garage sale Bedazzler and a pair of old nylons. Whatever it is, at least now I know what it looks like when a Transformer fucks a dirty Deceptacon and 3-to-5 days later realizes those bumps on his robot dick aren’t ingrown wires.

Here’s more of Kanye and Kim, who told Extra she felt “like shit” (cue all the “Yeah, and you look like…” jokes), and that the lucky fetus in her body gets to live in there until December. Yes, I said lucky – imagine how comfortable all that silicone and stuffing surrounding Kim’s body has made her womb? It must feel like sleeping in a Tempur-Pedic cocoon.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The Fashion Apocalypse Is Upon Us: Rihanna Is Wearing STIRRUP PANTS

March 13, 2015 / Posted by:

When the reanimated zombie corpse of leggings, aka “stretch pants” (as was their alias back in the day) dug themselves out of the fashion graveyard several years ago, I thought nothing of it, because leggings are comfortable as hell and serve a very important purpose: acting as pants when you do not want to wear pants. Then when crop tops did the same thing, I started to get a little worried, because who the hell wanted crop tops back besides the Kardashian family? Now it appears Rihanna has summoned the fugliest of the undead to walk among us once again: STIRRUP PANTS.

Dior’s newest whore made an appearance on GMA this morning to promote the animated movie Home, and she showed up working some Cookie Lyon-meets-Mary Kay Lady couture. Everything about her look was great until my eyes hit those nasty-ass while elastic straps humping her heels. NO, RIRI, NO!

I have a real problem with stirrup pants for two reasons. One, they always make you look like you can’t handle real pants; they’re the mittens-on-a-string of the pant world. Two, I have always been a tall person, so stirrup pants never worked on my legs. The stirrup part would always pull the crotch part down too low, and when I went to yank them up, the stirrup would snap off my foot and dangle around my ankle like a piece of loose skin. It was all kinds of busted.

However, I will forgive RiRi for wearing stirrup pants if she claims they’re a part of her rich alien culture. I don’t know how fashion works on the sexy planet she comes from.

Pics: Splash

Party Of No: Jennifer Love Hewitt Went Blonde

April 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Jennifer Love Hewitt has a 4-month-old baby, a husband and a vajazzle addiction to feed, so she’s back out on the ho stroll to make that money. Kaley Cuoco’s desperate mess idol came out for the L.A. launch party for the line of maternity clothes she designed (read: put her name on and collected a check) for A Pea in a Pod. Because JLove never talks about her weight and body, she talked about her weight and body with E! News and says that she did the line for A Pea in a Pod to empower women. Oh, JLove, you have a crazy way of saying “to empower my checking account.

On trying to lose the chunk after birthing a human: “It’s hard, it’s really hard. And I wasn’t sure where I was going to fall and what was going to happen and how I was going to feel. It just feels great to sort of be honest about the fact that it is tough and these clothes make it a little easier, make me feel beautiful. I’m still in a lot of my pregnancy clothes and there is just where I feel good right now. Everything hasn’t returned back to where I want it to be and put on my other clothes and feel good about that.”

On people talking shit about people’s clothes is the reason why she put her name on a line of clothes for the knocked up set: “We’re sort of in this odd time in our society right now where women are not being nice to each other. We’ve got a lot of reality stuff where people being mean to each other and, fashion-wise, people are talking bad about each other. I thought, ‘What a beautiful place to put my energy?’ Make a line for women, by a woman, who actually wants them to feel great and feel beautiful and look fantastic and look better than everyone walking around, especially at a time when you cannot feel very good about yourself.”

I’m not going to talk shit about JLove’s clothes, but I am going to talk shit about THAT UGLY ASS GUINEA PIG HAIR. After years of whispering to ghosts, couldn’t one of those ghosts returned the favor by whispering the word “NO” into her ear when she turned around and saw herself in the salon mirror for the first time after going blonde? I know some hos think that going blonde is going to make them look like a bombshell, but sometimes it can make you look like a third-tier 80s rocker whose body was just pulled out of a bathtub after lying there for days. But in JLove’s defense, she just had a baby. That barf color is the perfect color of hair to have when you’re taking care of a new baby. Because when your baby barfs on your hair, all you have to do is just rub it in and keep your day moving.

Pics: Wenn.com

Kristen Stewart For Guess Circa 1991, I Mean, For Chanel

March 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Chanel hired the humanized paper bag full of paint fumes Kristen Stewart to be the bitchy resting face of their Paris-Dallas Collection, because Kunty Karl loves that she’s more unfeeling inside than he is. Kunty Karl falls in love with any trick who would win the role of a “barely functioning zombie” on The Walking Dead over him. KStew was announced as Kunty Karl’s new muse at Chanel’s show in Dallas, TX last December and the first pictures from the campaign leaked yesterday. KStew really switched shit up for this one! Deceased eyes that say nothing, a facial expression that makes a white hockey mask look like its full of all the emotions and a mouth that’s going “duuuuuurrrrrrrrrr” non-stop. KStew really made everyone shit out a lump of SHOCK by doing something totally new. Bitch looks like a Skillrex fan who overdid it with the Ecstasy at a hoe down-themed rave.

The entire city of Dallas should file a defamation and slander suit against Chanel for doing their city wrong, because half of those clothes look like they were pulled out of a dusty cardboard box marked 1991 at one of Billy Ray Cyrus’ garage sales. If Sue Ellen Ewing looks the clothes up and down and shakes her head NOPE, you cannot give those clothes the Dallas seal of approval. Since Chanel hasn’t officially officially released these pictures yet, I don’t know if that filter came from them or not. That filter makes these pictures look like they were taken at the old timey photo shop at Knott’s Berry Farm. If that’s the look they were going for, they should’ve went totally authentic and shot the campaign at the actual old timey photo shop at Knott’s Berry Farm. Now, that would’ve been a real fashion campaign.

Here’s more pictures from Chanel’s zombie confederate soldier in lazy drag campaign. I do like the first picture, but only because her arms look like two abominable snowman dicks.

via The Fashion Spot

Casper Smart Has Hair Now

March 25, 2013 / Posted by:

This is why you should always keep your Chia Pet seeds out of the reach of children, because if you don’t they will sprinkle some on their heads and grow a lawn of brown Chia hair like Casper Smart did. At Muhammad Ali’s Celebrity Fight Night XIX’ at the JW Marriott in Phoenix, AZ on Saturday night, Casper the Friendly Boy Toy showed off his freshly grown locks which go perfectly with the hair pimple below is lower lip. If Casper Smart was going for the “Monchhichi disguised as KFed circa 2007” look or the “Huey Duck in a toupee” look, then he nailed it!

I bet JLo is the one who made Casper Smart grow hair on his dome. JLo knows that it was easy for Casper Smart to take a Baby Wipe to the top of his bald head after one of his glory hole buddies busted a pearl necklace on it, and it’s kind of hard to easily get rid of the evidence now that his head is covered with hair. JLo just have to ruin EVERYTHING!

Eau De Toilet

October 15, 2012 / Posted by:

If you have a classic woman’s fragrance – one that brings to mind style, sophistication and polish – and you want to put a fresh perspective on it, you should go down to the bus station, pick the sexiest one of the passed out drunks, put him immediately on camera and don’t hand him a script. Because that’s what Chanel No. 5 did in their latest ad campaign. Okay, that’s not really a homeless person, it’s Brad Pitt looking like he smells like a homeless person. Coco’s grave just spun to the surface.

Brad is the first male spokesmodel for Chanel No. 5. Great choice, because when I look at him up there, I get an immediate urge to spray lots of perfume. Even more amazing than the image though, is the pure poetry spewing forth from Brad’s please-Chapstick-me-bitch lips.

“It’s not a journey. Every journey ends, but we go on. The world turns and we turn with it. Plans disappear, dreams take over. But wherever I go, there you are. My luck, my fate, my fortune. Chanel No.5. Inevitable.”

I’ll have to wait till I get home and get really stoned to understand any of that, but I’m sure it’s deep. Michael K summed up the entire vibe perfectly: “I hope in honor of Brad being their new face, they come out with a bong version of the bottle.”

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