BREAKING: Lindsay Lohan Showed Up To An Event And Didn’t Look Like A Total Mess

July 27, 2014 / Posted by: Allison

Something strange happened on Saturday night. Human hangover Lindsay Lohan was scheduled to appear at a press conference for The White Party in Linz, Austria, and she managed to arrive looking semi-sober, semi-clean, and standing upright. WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?!? The Lindsay Lohan I know always looks like a trampy Cheeto that just woke up in a litter box filled with cigarette butts and day-old jizz and cat turds. I can’t remember the last time she didn’t resemble the Poison Cackler from Fraggle Rock.

But this Lindsay Lohan…I have no idea what’s going on here. Her hair doesn’t look like the tangled tails of a ginger rat king. Her face isn’t caked in 8 layers of rancid orange smegma and coke residue. Her toxic tar-scented vodka breath didn’t immediately wilt the bouquet of roses in her arms. Lindsay Lohan actually looks…good? Is good-ish a word? Good-adjacent maybe?

But before you say goodbye to your loved ones and die of shock, the Apricot Ashtray only managed to stay cleaned up for about 0.00003 seconds before she started morphing back into the rode-hard put-away filthy Lindsay we know and love. Lindsay left the press conference, went back to her hotel, took a whore’s bath, snorted 100 lines of coke cut with crystallized battery acid, and arrived to The White Party looking like this:

Let’s see: giant green bruise on her arm, floppy freckled tit hanging out of her dress, skin like a slimy 2-week-old rotten jack-o-lantern, hair that’s been styled with a melted suppository, overusing bronzer to the point where it looks like a homeless Mr. Hankey is squatting under her cheekbone. Yep, that’s our Lindsay! Reunited and it feeeels so gooood!

But I think I can see where it all started to go wrong. As you can see in the pictures below, Linds starts out looking normal, then sits down at a table in front of a microphone, where she proceeds to get more and more Lohan-y in the face. You don’t have to be a Detective La Toya to guess that clearly the microphone was made of coke and she ate it. Mystery solved!

Pics: Splash, FameFlynet

Tags: Lindsay Lohan, MESS, Not Very Convincing

Harry Styles Took Kendall Jenner On A Romantic Date To A Gay Bar

December 9, 2013 / Posted by: Allison

Thank you, Harry Styles! My job is easier when the jokes write themselves; an Egg McMuffin basket is coming your way.

Harry Styles (a name that always sounds like a character from an Austin Powers movie) has another album to promote, which means his high-profile showmance with a Jenner is still going strong! Do I even need to specify which Jenner? They’re the same fucking person; dark shiny hair, drowsy-ass eyes, and about as much personality as the busted handle on a shopping bag. But of you MUST know, it’s still Kendall (aka not the one that looks like a dead ringer for Marla Hooch).

E! Online reports that Harry and Kendall (Karry? Hendall? Whocares? Yes, that one!) followed up their dinner date in LA last month with a date at the Gansevoort Hotel in NYC on Saturday. Chill out, moms across America, I can guarantee you they weren’t fucking. Harry and Kendall probably watched Clueless on Netflix while Kendall’s agents, Kris Jenner and Beelzebub, finalized contract specifics (“For the last time, Ms. Jenner, there will be no sex tape released. Please stop setting up the tripod for your Sony Handycam” – Harry’s agent).

After leaving the hotel, Us Weekly reports that Harry and Kendall’s snore-show (I’d call it Ambien! The Musical) made it’s way to Therapy, a gay bar in Hell’s Kitchen. According to bargoers, the two never got up to dance because – DUH – spontaneous natural movement doesn’t run in Kendall’s family. Kendall, stop being lazy; do you want to put “bearding” as a skill on your resume or not? Just remember: what would the Patron Saint of Hired Girlfriends, Taylor Swift do? She’d dance, call the paps, brush her hair 1000 strokes, AND hold a baby at the same time to convince us her and Harry were the real deal.

Fans are reacting about as predictably crazy One Direction fans would (ie. crazy, supportive, happy, crazy) but the best reaction to Harry and Kendall’s coupling I found comes from a commenter known simply as Me: