But before we get into the PlasticFace vs. PlasticFace war of 2014, let’s all slow clap for the artiste who pasted Kanye West’s head onto that picture in Photoshop. It almost looks like he was actually spending time with his kid and she isn’t hugging on her favorite weekday nanny instead.
So, during her stand-up show at the Saban Theater in L.A. on Friday night, Joan Rivers did what Joan Rivers does: drag hos and this time she dragged a baby. Joan told the audience about how Kim Kartrashian brought North into the E! offices one day and she got a good look at the Illuminati’s chosen one. According to Radar, the woman who gave birth to Melissa Rivers said this about Baby Seaweed’s looks and all-natural eyebrow situation:
“That baby is ugly… I’ve never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a waxing.”
That is everyone’s cue to put on a gas mask and stay inside until the US Environmental Protection Agency tells us it’s clear, because the air will fill with toxic clouds of burnt plastic, charred silicone, melting rubber, scorched Botox and exploding gay fish anus when Pimp Mama Kris, Kanye and Joan Rivers go at it over this. Oh, what am I saying. PMK probably sent Joan a basket full of Liquid Nails (Botox is for amateurs) and labia bleaching cream as a thank you gift for giving her future little money maker more attention.
Tis the season for giving… and I wish Kim Kartrashian would’ve given us the gift of Instagramming a picture of the one-way tickets to a luxurious winter resort town called Alert, Nunavut that someone called “HUMANITY” sent to her and Kanye Kartrashian. But sadly, she didn’t do that. Instead, Kim, being the modest whore she is, gifted the 99% with pictures of all the stupid, overpriced shit that stupid designers sent to her kid. Happy Christmas! Let’s all barf together.
After North West was born and Pimp Mama Kris raised her hooves into the night air while proclaiming her allegiance to the Illuminati demons for giving her another living, breathing ATM, a bunch of design houses sent over a bunch of fancy shit and Kim Instagrammed all that crap. Kim did it again and threw up pictures of designer shoes and clothes given to
Baby Nori Baby Seaweed by Stella McCartney, Giuseppe Zanotti, Charlotte Olympia and Michael Coste for Christmas.
It was really nice of Kim to remind us of her modesty and to also remind us that there’s designers out there who are ridiculous enough to send $300 black pussy flats to a baby who doesn’t give a butt bubble about what she’s wearing. I once hung out with a baby (I don’t do that often, but sometimes I’m forced to) at Christmas times and I made her an outfit out of gift ribbon and wrapping paper. She looked a mess, but she laughed and smiled like that outfit was made of magic. I sniffed at the wrapping paper while thinking that it was laced with weed that seeped into her skin and made her laugh, because she was freaking out about her wrapping paper dress. What I’m saying is that babies are simple creatures and love shit like ribbon headbands and the designers only sent Kim that crap to feed her gaping hole of an ego.
But you know, maybe those designers did Baby Seaweed a favor. While Kanye rants for hours about how he’s the one who first invented white fringed leather sneakers for babies and Kim queefs at her assistant to immediately put all that stuff on eBay, Baby Seaweed can escape without them finding out. Grab those Hermes slippers (you can sell ‘em later for cash) and crawl, Baby Seaweed, crawl!
Since a Kardashian isn’t officially a Kardashian until she’s been dipped in a pot of wax, covered in strips and ripped of every hair on her body, some accused Kim Kartrashian of taking a tip from Backdoor Farrah’s “How To Be A Shit Mom” parenting book by waxing North West’s brows. After Kim Instagrammed this picture of Baby North yesterday, some accused her of Veet-ing her adorable future money maker’s eye valances. But Kim’s spokeswhore tells The Daily Mail that wax hasn’t touched North’s brows and her perfectly manicured eyebrows are a work of nature.
Kim is a lying skank and if she told me the sky was blue, I’d have to check with Pantone color swatches before believing her, but I actually think she’s spitting out the truth here. Mark this day! Yes,
Baby Seaweed Baby Nori will inherit Pimp Mama Kris and Kim’s fucked up body issues, but I don’t think they used wax to elevate that baby’s eyebrow game. They used the other Kartrashian beauty tool of choice: PHOTOSHOP!
And I’m surprised that North even has eyebrow hair and eyelashes. It’s a miracle that they didn’t burn off from Kanye West constantly fire breathing out the words, “Guess who’s the luckiest baby in the world for having God’s God as a father?” onto her face. I’m also surprised that North is smiling. In every picture I’ve seen of North West, she looks like she’s in the middle of saying, “HELP ME,” in Morse code by blinking her eyes. I wonder how they got her to smile? They probably waved emancipation papers in front of her face. Pimp Mama Kris is a cruel genius.
And here’s Kim, the slow one and Penelope leaving a cosmetic laser center yesterday. No, of course they weren’t there to laser off Penelope’s brows hair. They’re not monsters! They were there to get all the whispers of hairs lasered off of Penelope’s body. It’s never too soon to prepare your baby for bikini season!
Kim Kartrashian is back from flashing her smashed tit balls all over Paris and she celebrated her return by posting a new picture of North West on Instagram. In the first picture of North West that Kanye shared with public eyes, she looked like she was reaching out for help and screaming “Ayúdame!” with her eyes. In this picture, Baby North looks like a traumatized Glo Worm who’s been strapped in a baby straitjacket swaddle and laid on a polar bear rug. Since this is Kim and Kanye’s baby, I’m sure that’s a custom-made Givenchy bandage wrap and every newborn of the 1% will be working one in a few years. North West is that forward and that ahead. The NO ARMS look will be the look in six years.
Or maybe North West is wrapped in baby Spanx. I would Google to see if baby Spanx is really a thing, but I don’t feel like numbing my brain by smoking crack after finding out that it is a real thing that exists. It’s too early for that.
The United States government hit the Command-Option-Esc command on all us bitches and slid down the inflatable JetBlue evacuation slide, but forget about that. Let’s talk about what really matters in this world: Kim Kartrashian’s titty leche.
Kim is in Paris with Kanye Kardashian for Paris Fashion Week, because it’s been much too long since they’ve posed together a genuine staged photo-op for attention and because he wanted to spend some alone time with her (aka do ass-to-ass with a double-sided dildo while she’s wearing a Kanye mask over her head). Since Kim has wet queefs for brains, she wanted to bring 3-month-old North West to Paris with her, but Kanye farted on that idea because no baby is going to take the attention away from him! Kanye is supposed to the belle of the Paris Fashion Week ball! Not some baby who can’t even say Givenchy right. Can you believe North can’t even say Givenchy right? Are we sure she’s Kanye’s daughter? Call Maury!
So then Kim came up with the brilliant plan to either FedEx her chichi milk to North’s mouth or make an assistant deliver it. Some source told Radar:
“Kim really wanted to take Nori to Paris but Kanye insisted that it wasn’t a good idea because of his issues with photographers. He thought it was too dangerous. He also wanted Kim all to himself for a few days. He said they needed to spend time together as a couple away from her family.
Kim had wanted to continue breast feeding for another two months. She considered taking a breast pump with her to Paris and having either an assistant flying the milk back to L.A. or shipping it back by FedEx. Kanye thought that was ludicrous, and as usual he got his way.”
Oh, please. Like we’re really supposed to believe that Kim doesn’t have thirty freezers full of her frozen tit milk because she heard that breastfeeding will melt away some of the chunk and so she’s constantly pumping her way to skinny. Besides, even if Kim doesn’t have thirty freezers full of her frozen tit milk, Pimp Mama Kris’ got this. Cut to PMK winking at the camera as Baby North sucks the hot milk of Lucifer out of her tete.
In other Kardashishit, Kim behaved like the humble, down-to-earth whore she is by Instagramming all the free luxury baby clothes she’s gotten from designers.
What a beautiful thing to Instagram to the 99% on Government Shut Down Day! I hope bitch follows up this touching series by Instramming pictures of all these designer clothes after North has shit, barfed and drooled all over them.
Here’s Kim sort of wearing normal people clothes in Paris this morning.
As expected, Kanye West showed the first picture of 2-month-old North West on Pimp Mama Kris’ failing talk show today, because PMK kidnapped Riccardo Tisci and wouldn’t release him from her dungeon unless Kanye did exactly what she said. So Kanye let PMK whore her grandchild out for ratings.
North West has a scared look in her eyes that says, “goo-goo gah-GAHD save me from these coo coo whores,” and she’s reaching out for help and emancipation forms, so yup, she’s definitely Kim and Kanye’s child and she definitely knows she’s a Kardashian.
Since Anna Wintour made it perfectly clear that she’d rather finger her culo hole with one of those hideous toe finger shoes than put a Kardashian on the cover of Vogue and Pimp Mama Kris officially owns Kanye West’s soul now, North West’s face will make its debut on the finale of her daytime shit fest this Friday.
Kanye is PMK’s final guest and during his visit, he shows the audience a picture of the newest Kardashian kash machine. Or at least, they’re telling us that Kanye is on the show, but something in the whore milk ain’t clean about this. Kanye is actually smiling while in the presence of PMK. Kanye only smiles when Givenchy sends him another black leather clip-on ass lip ring or when he looks at himself in the mirror. That’s either a hologram or that’s Bruce Jenner in a Kanye mask.
TMZ says that a picture of North West flashed on the monitors for only a quick second, because producers didn’t want anybody in the audience to take a picture and leak it onto the Internet before Friday. Kanye and Kim were thinking about debuting North West’s face on Instagram or Tumblr, but ultimately decided to help out PMK, because that desperate pimp whore wrangler will bite off Riccardo Tisci’s dick if they don’t. The test run for PMK’s whore show will end this Friday and then FOX will decide whether or not to pick it up-full time, so she wants to get as my eyes on her show as possible.
A source, who was at the taping on Monday, tells E! that the picture shows North West lying on her stomach while wearing a black onesie. The source went on to say this mess of words that’ll make you laugh, fart and roll your eyes all at the same time:
“[Kanye] said he had decided he wanted to show the picture of North because they didn’t want to make money on the photo and he is fed up of paps following him around.”
The audience almost got covered with wet pieces of pimp meat, because PMK nearly exploded when Kanye said he “didn’t want to make money on the photo.” But then she calmed down when she realized all the attention her dumb show will get for showing North West’s face.
What’s really suspect about this desperate stunt is that the entire West Coast didn’t combust when Pimp Mama Kris’ overinflated ego and Kanye’s overinflated ego were put in a room together. Yeah, that’s totally a Kanye hologram.
And why does the Kanye hologram have a Kardashian-sized anal kondom in its shirt pocket?
While getting their anuses bleached next to each other a few months ago, Kanye West begged the house mother of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour, to put Kim Kartrashian on the cover of Vogue and she said in so many words that the only way that will happen is if Lucifer rises up to Earth, buys Conde Nast and makes Pimp Mama Kris president (this could happen). So Kanye West is trying something else. Because Botox takes twice as long to settle in a newborn baby’s face, North West hasn’t made her public debut yet and Kanye is hoping she’ll make it on the cover of Vogue. Kanye asked Anna if she’d be into putting Kim, North West and him on the cover of Vogue and she wasn’t amused enough to take her mouth off of the living, breathing baby swan she was feeding on. Some source tells Radar:
“It’s no secret that Kanye is a huge fan of fashion, Vogue and especially Anna Wintour. “But it’s also pretty well-known that Anna is NO fan of Kim or any reality star appearing in the pages of the magazine. Kanye is determined to make sure baby North isn’t photographed by paparazzi then splashed across the world. He knows what he wants — a professional photographer and the cover of Vogue – nothing else. But clearly, trying to persuade Anna is going to be an uphill battle.”
When Kanye’s overinflated, pus-filled ego gets a dent in it, he goes even harder and so he’s gathering a bunch of statistics together to show Anna that putting Kim on the cover sells magazines. In his presentation to Anna, Kanye should also make sure he lets her know that Kim’s magazine covers were mostly bought by the owners of constipated birds who used it as cage lining so their pets would really be inspired to shit and piss.
I doubt North West is going to make her debut on the cover of Vogue and I doubt her first portrait is going to replace the Mona Lisa at the Louvre (that’s Kanye’s first plan). I bet that the paparazzo who fucked with Kanye will get the first picture and he’ll make a bunch of money off of it. That’ll make Kanye the speechless one for once.
Kim Kartrashian Wants You To Think That She Turned Down $3 Million For The First Pictures of North West
Hollywood Life said a few days ago that Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West were going to steal a move from Brangelina by selling the first pictures of North West to a magazine and donating all the money to charity so they look like giving and charitable souls (not to be confused with Kim’s giving and charitable hole. I mean, she did do Ray-J several times and that’s pretty much an act of charity). But UsWeekly says that an Australian magazine recently offered $3 million for the first EXCLUSIVO pictures of North West and Kim and Kanye turned them down. It’s a sad day for money, because it was actually turned down by an easy, greedy, money-grubbing whore like Kim Kartrashian.
A sores (typo and it stays since the “sores” was obviously Pimp Mama Kris) tells UsWeekly that motherhood has really changed Kim and she no longer wants to be the biggest fame whore on the ho stroll. Kanye doesn’t want North West on the Kardashian family shit show and he’s really protective of her face, so there’s a chance that he and Kim might not sell pictures of her at all. The sores said:
“Kanye’s been adamant about not having the baby on the show. He was serious when he said North isn’t America’s baby, so he may not do anything.”
America’s baby?! As an American citizen, I demand to go on Maury and I demand a DNA test. But you know, the fact that Kanye even entertains the idea of North West being America’s baby says everything.
Kim and Kanye obviously turned down that $3 million because they want MORE MORE MORE! They want Brangelina money. They want to donate at least 8 figures to Pimp Mama Kris’ Foundation For Needy and Greedy Whores. They’re also waiting to sell the pictures because North West isn’t Kardashian kamera ready yet. Collagen and Botox takes twice as long to settle in a baby’s face. I know, babies are so difficult.
The Daily Mail says that Kim Kartrashian thinks she’s a regular Detective La Toya (heffa wishes), because she tried to find out which one of her friends would betray her trust (HA!) and try to sell pictures of North West to the media. Kim is the only whore who is allowed to whore her baby out for money, thankyouverymuch. Kim sent two pictures of two random babies to her friends and told them that it her own spawn North West and waited to find out which one of them would take the bait. Kim trying to smell out a rat from her circle of friend is like a rat trying to smell out a rat from a pile of rats. They’re all rats!
Some whore fell for Kim’s trick and tried to sell the pictures to TMZ. TMZ realized that the pictures were fraudulent because the babies in the pictures weren’t wearing leather onesies. No baby of Kanye’s is going to wear off-the-rack shit from Babies ‘R Us.
I wonder which one of Kim’s whore friends is shameless, shady and money hungry enough to try to sell pictures of her baby…..
Hmmm…. I have no klue!