Category: North West

Mother Of The Decade Kim Kardashian Denies Forgetting Her Baby In A Hotel

October 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Last night, a YouTube clip of pimp-mom-in-training Kim Kartrashian walking to a van in Paris without North West made the rounds and some think she forgot her kid in her hotel. In the clip, Kummy Cakes, who looks like a rotting cranberry cream cheese log that was nibbled on by worms, does the pap walk to her van, stops for a second and makes a checklist in her head. “10 Louis Vuitton suitcases full of Spanx? CHECK! A trunk with my back-up silicone ass in it? CHECK! Kanye’s breast chafing cream? CHECK! Hmmm, what else? What else? Um, whatshername? SHIT!” Kim strolls back into the hotel and gets North West who was obviously hiding under a sofa while wishing that the weird plastic lady would forget her so she can grow up in that hotel and be raised by mice.

So some think Kim almost drove off to the airport without North. But the fame whore doth protest. Kim queefed up a denial on Twitter after she heard the BREAKING NEWS STORY on the radio (read: She watched the video 25 seconds after it was posted on YouTube while North West tried to escape from Pimp Mama Kris’ lair through Khloe’s doggy door):

Heard on the radio today some story I forgot my daughter at our hotel as I’m leaving for the airport. Are you kidding me?!?!?! LOL I went to the car to make sure the car seat was in because the day before we had a car seat issue. Do u guys really think a 1year old would be inside the lobby by herself!Oh wait she was waiting to check out lol

Some bitches are so ridiculous. Like Kim would really forget her baby. Kim would never forget her must-have fashion accessory of the season! Kim was just doing what she learned from the fame whore master. She did one solo pap stroll before doing another stroll with her living, breathing fashion accessory. Pimp Mama Kris taught her well. But I’m sure she’ll forget North in a hotel next season when babies are out as fashion accessories and albino parrots are in.

“Are You There God? It’s Me, North West. Please Rescue Me From These Pieces Of Trash!”

September 28, 2014 / Posted by:

As a look of pride covered Pimp Mama Kris’ face and she thought to herself, “Awww, my little whore is a pimp like me now,” junior pimp Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West dragged their baby North West to another fashion show in Paris for the second time in 4 days. Pimp Mama Kim dressed up her newest fashion accessory in a black sheer Givenchy shirt and made that poor child sit front row with her and Kanye at Riccardo Tisci’s show for Givenchy today.  I know North is always making the same pained face you make when we crap up another Kardashian post on Dlisted, but she really looks like she’d rather be doing ANYTHING else besides sitting on the lap of the strange lady who pays her nanny while at some dumb fashion show. (Examples of things North would rather be doing: warthog hunting with Tia Khloezilla, watching the drool on the corner of Auntie Kourtney’s mouth dry and trying on new shades of lip gloss at the MAC counter with Pepaw Bruce. North West would rather be watching an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians than be at that show. That’s how much she doesn’t want to be at that show.)

While Kim was done up like the corpse of a bottom-level gothic hooker, she gave her full attention to her true love, the cameras, as North screamed, “ayúdame,” with her face. Kanye didn’t even try to soothe North West’s nerves, because if he picked her up, she might barf on him and baby barf didn’t go with his outfit. Kanye was not going to let baby barf jack up his sexy.

And behind Kim in that picture above, Riccardo is totally using his finger to spell out the note, “Your titties look extra scrumptious tonight, boo,” on Kanye’s palm.

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com

North West Sat Front Row At The Balenciaga Show, Seemed Really Into It

September 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Pimp Mama Kim and Kanye West continued to show everyone that they’re not going to push their baby out into the spotlight by pushing their baby out into the spotlight at the Balenciaga show in Paris today. How do you say “CALL CPS!” in French? Those evil bitches. Kimye rips North West from the family of nannies she loves the most and they dress her up like a doll and parade her around like a fashion accessory at a loud ass fashion show. How dreadful. North should’ve started crying during the show. If she did, Kuntye would’ve told her that no spawn of his cries during ~FASHUN~ and he would’ve immediately disowned her. She would’ve been FREE!

But seriously, a slobbery, non-potty-trained baby doesn’t belong at a fashion show. I’m talking about Kanye. I’m sure North West was really enthralled by all the crap going down the runway. When asked what she thought of the collection, she took a dump in her pony hair-lined black leather Balenciaga diaper. Or maybe she took that dump after she was asked what she thought of her daddy’s stupid, busted Chevron logo hair.

And while looking at these pictures on her red diamond iWatch 2 as she lounges on the beach of her private island in the Seychelles, Blue Ivy Carter cackles away. BIC already wore toddler versions of all the looks at Balenciaga’s show today and as she looks up at the sky, she sees her gold drone delivering boxes full of toddler versions of Balenciaga’s NEXT collection. Going to fashion shows… How provincial!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

When The Expression Of A Baby Says It All

August 30, 2014 / Posted by:

North West is only 14 months old, and already she’s mastered an expert-level “over it” expression, which is insane, because babies don’t usually start learning how to pull such flawless baby resting bitch face till at least their second birthday (at least according to Today’s Parent). But 1-year-old North West is already slaying all the other babies by emoting just how genuinely unimpressed with her mother she is. Remember when just a few short months ago, North used to stare quizzically at Kim Kardashian, like “Harpo, who dis hooker?”. Now she stares at the ground disappointed, like “Sadly I’m aware of who this hooker is”. Clearly living with such a useless piece of cheap trash has fast-tracked her development. HA! “Living“. Listen to me, talking as if Kim has seen her baby enough in the past year to be considered anything more than “casually visiting”.

She’s also managed to perfect the art of subtlety, which, again, very difficult at this age. Where most babies being held by Kim Kardashian would roll their eyes or cry or take a smelly shit in their diaper, North is more reserved with her emotions and chooses only to show how completely uninterested she is in her stripper-looking mom’s tits-out attention whore antics. For someone created from the busted DNA of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, baby North is actually incredibly smart.

Here’s more of Kim, Kim’s kurrent husband Kanye, and the baby they sometimes take pictures with at LAX last night at 1am (you know who loves flying at 1am? BABIES!). I love how North is staring at the TSA guards like “Hey guys! I’m larger than 3.4 ounces! Confiscate me!

Pics: Splash

North West Makes Her Modeling Debut And I’m Surprised It Took This Long

August 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Not pictured: North West’s mother (read: the nanny) standing to the side and showing her a picture of Pimp Mama Kim and Pimp Daddy Kanye to bring that confused “Who’s that?” pout out of her.

Last month, Kanye Kardashian (née West) mouth farted out this shit dingle of lies during one of his rants:

“I want my daughter to have that opportunity to decide whether she wants to be famous or not. I think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do, how can I change it and how can I give my daughter her childhood?”

And here’s his daughter being pimped out while wearing Chanel in a picture shot by Michael Avedon, Richard Avedon’s grandson, for CR Fashion Book. It’s the nepotism issue! And Kunty Karl is so right. It’s never too early to care about fashion and I’m sure North West is showing she cares by taking a Chanel logo-shaped dump in her Chanel diaper.

via The Telegraph

Kayne West Likes His My Size Barbie Better When She’s A Blonde

August 11, 2014 / Posted by:

If a red bandanna hanging out of a back pocket means you’re into fisting, then what does an entire coat made from red bandannas mean? You know what, don’t answer that.

Former porn star, Playboy model, failed tone-deaf pop star, and diet pill spokesperson Kim Kardashian recently admitted to People that the nine times her current husband Kanye West has woken up beside her, he’s been disappointed the living Real Doll laying in a deep Botoxed slumber beside him doesn’t have piss-kissed blonde hair anymore. Even though though she could always put on a cheap wig, Kim says it’s not the same; Kanye wants to play dress-up with Barbie, NOT Teresa!

“Kanye likes the blonde. But I think I’m going to stay dark. I was talking about this yesterday actually with Kanye. He asked if I would ever go back to blonde. I was like, ‘Not right after a baby, because my face was so swollen and it looked like my lips were huge’. My face was just off.”

“My face was just off.”

NEWSFLASH HOOKER, YOUR HAIR COLOR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! Don’t throw blonde hair under the bus because you can’t stop stuffing collagen into your duck-lipped dick receiver and injecting Botox into every pore in your face! Aside from that, I don’t believe Kanye ever told Kim he liked her better as a blonde. Kanye would NEVER give someone else a compliment! He probably said: “Kanye West looks very good when Kanye West is standing next to something with blonde hair.”

And I love how she says “Not right after baby” as if she’s planning for a second baby. “You don’t even look after the one you already have!” – is what North West would say to Kim if they were ever in the same room together. NO! That’s not true! Kim is a great mother who totally spends time with North West. See? Here’s Kim and North doing some mommy-daughter bonding at the airport together! Sure, North has the type of terrified look on her face that says she’s searching for an Air Marshal (“Halp! I’m being kidnapped by a sedated stripper!”), but they’re totally technically spending time together!

Pics: InstagramSplash

Another Day, Another Asshole Comparing Paparazzi Attention To Rape

July 6, 2014 / Posted by:

One of the half-digested ass raisins floating in the 20-minute-long diarrhea puddle that Kanye West shat out during his set at the Wireless Festival in London was about how he’s so sick of the paparazzi constantly “violating” him. Yes, this is the same paparazzi that his gutter tramp of a wife has listed under “favorites” in her iPhone above North West’s head nanny. While getting booed by the crowd who paid money to hear him rap and wasn’t there to listen to the heave-inducing whines coming out of the bruised anus slit he calls a mouth, Kanye brought up Brit Brit Spears’ paparazzi drama and then quoted the definition of “rape” from Kristen Stewart’s dictionary when he said that the paps taking his picture is just like getting sexually violated. I was going to say that Kanye’s Liberace gimp mask was obviously on too tight and squeezing his brain, but he always spits out fuckery like that with or without a Liberace gimp mask on. via The Independent

“I don’t care what you do in life, everybody needs a day off, everybody has the right to say, ‘You know what, I need a minute to breathe’. I want to bring my family to the movies without 30 motherfuckers following me. Everybody here, they like sex right? Sex is great when you and your partner are like, ‘Hey, this is what we both want to do’. But if one of those people don’t want to do that, what is that called? That’s called rape. That is called violation. So if I walk around and say look sir, I’m not feeling so good today, I need some space, can you please not fuck with me today? I need cut-off space, not violation.”

Even though this dried crotch berry gave us the definition of “rape,” I still don’t think he knows what that word really means. Nobody with a half a working brain cell would ever define the Kartrashian’s relationship with the paparazzi as “rape.” It is the complete opposite of “rape.” There’s nothing more opposite than that. If Kanye wants to compare paparazzi attention to “sex,” then I’d say that the Kartrashian’s dealings with the paps are more like a trick putting their address in a Craigslist casual encounters ad where they invite absolutely anybody to a full, blown orgy at their house. Kim getting papped is such a traumatic experience for her that she calls them all the time, texts them her exact location and then posts pictures from the “attack” on Instagram with hashtags like #Hermes.

And that wasn’t the only nugget of delusion that the former rapper turned full-time ranter barfed up:

“I want my daughter to have that opportunity to decide whether she wants to be famous or not. I think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do, how can I change it and how can I give my daughter her childhood?”

Says the level 10 attention whore who yanked at Anna Wintour’s asshole until she put his baby in Vogue, solely named his kid North West because he knew it would get them trending on Twitter and has a pimp-in-law who has already planned his daughter’s first scandal. Nothing says “I want a private family life” like procreating and marrying the fame whore of all fame whores.

And once PMK finishes cackling at Kanye’s cute, little “I want my daughter to decide whether she wants to be famous or not” comment, she’s going to try to smooth things over with the paps by calling each and every one of them to say, “He didn’t mean RAPE rape.

Here’s Kim shooting her reality shit show in the Hamptons last week while spending time with the people she sees more than her own kid. No, I’m not talking about The Slow One and Lord Douche. I’m talking about the paps.

Pics: Splash

Khlozilla Got Shit Thrown At Her For Wearing This Mess To North West’s Coachella-Themed First Birthday Party

June 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Kim and Kanye Kartrashian’s people managed to achieve the impossible: they managed to make an even more insufferable and douche-tastic version of Coachella. To celebrate their money (and whatshername’s first birthday), Kim and Kanye threw a kids version of Coachella called Kidchella  in Kourtney Kartrashian’s backyard yesterday afternoon. There was a Ferris wheel, food carts, teepees and a bouncy house, and I’m not talking about Kim Kardashian’s ass, which we all wish would be picked up by the wind and blown far, far away. North West will definitely remember this lavish ass birthday party and that was not served on a plate made of sarcasm. North West will fondly remember her first birthday party when in 15 years she tells her therapist it’s the first memory she has of looking at her family and wishing she was born into a pack of wolves instead of a pack of fame whores. “If this is a Coachella-themed party, where’s the molly, because I need some to get through this wreck.” – North West at her own party

Because no version of Coachella is complete without a heaping spoon of shit-covered cultural appropriation, Khloe Kardashian Instagramm’d this picture of her sitting in a front of a teepee with a Native American headdress on top her Sasquatch head. Some of Khlozilla’s Instagram followers squatted out shit nuggets of outrage on top of her for this and asked, “How did she not know?” To which I say, “Are you new here?”, because of course she knew this kind of fuckery would get her as much attention as possible. But you know, for once, I don’t think this was solely about getting her name to trend on Twatter. Khlozilla was getting a little revenge for her kind. For decades and decades, Native American chiefs have worn bear heads as a headdress like this:

bearonhead

So Khlozilla the waxed grizzly bear got back at those tribal chiefs by wearing a Native American headdress on her beastly head. Revenge IS a rabies-infested, rabid grizzly bear wearing a Native American headdress. Payback’s an ugly bitch.

And speaking of messy, this was the entertainment at Kidchella. It puts the HELL in Kidchella.

And I don’t even know if North West was at her own party. She wasn’t in any of the pictures. She was probably having her own party in the catering kitchen with her REAL family: her nannies, drivers and bodyguards.

Pics: FameFlynet, Instagram, Instagram and Instagram

As Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Kiss As Husband And Wife For The First Time, The Gates Of Hell Open Wide

May 27, 2014 / Posted by:

If you squint real hard, you can almost make out the outline of a swarm of locusts flying toward the Gates of Hell.

Because Pimp Mama Kris and her family of hos know that they have E! to thank for helping to make them the biggest fame whores on the planet, she gave them these first pictures of her trophy ho Kim Kartrashian trying to beat Elizabeth Taylor’s divorce record by marrying her future third ex-husband Kanye West in front of a giant, gaping pussy slit in Florence. I know, it was nice of Kim to pay tribute to the sex tape that started it all. That’s supposed to be a wall of flowers, but it looks like a nasty wall of furry maggots, barnacles, anal wart pus, moldy cauliflower and foam from a rabid beast (Khloe). It’s fitting!

Kim wore an ugly kustom-made lobster bib dress designed by Kanye’s Italian spooning partner Riccardo Tisci and Kanye wore a Kanye butt plug under his Givenchy tuxedo. That dress look like the homely, dumpy stepsister of Duchess Kate’s dress and Kanye’s only smiling because his Kanye butt plug shifted while he was sashaying down the aisle and hit the right the spot. Or the photographer’s assistant knew how to get a smile out of him and held up a mirror real quick.

But the true stars of these pictures are Bruce Jenner and North West.

kuntyewedding2

Bruce is making a queef face, because he knows he can work that dress way better than Kim did. And as always, North West is wondering to herself, “Harpo, who deez people?

Kanye West’s Wedding Speech Was About As Kanye-y As You’d Expect

May 25, 2014 / Posted by:

This is probably the same face Kanye West makes when he comes downstairs in the morning for breakfast and finds Pimp Mama Kris and Satan finishing the last of the coffee at the kitchen table. It’s sort of reminiscent of Gob Bluth’s “I’ve made a huge mistake” face. But according to Us Weekly, Kanye Kardashian managed to stuff his regret deep into the pit of his stomach long enough to rant out an insane delusion-soaked wedding speech at Saturday night’s Tacky Assholes Convention:

“They feel like it’s okay to put you on the tabloid covers to sell your image, to use you in an SNL spoof,” he said, per the observer. “We don’t negotiate. We’re not like that. We’re not stupid.” A little while later, he added, “The Kardashians are an industry!”

He also spoke about his and Kim’s inner circle, saying, “We are warriors! There is not one person at this table that has not had to defend us at some point or another.” Then, referring to a specific group of guests at the wedding, he added, “At this table…the combination of powers…can make the world a better place.” He called them “the most remarkable people of our time.”

I’m sorry, you’ll have to be more specific: who exactly from guest list of Z-list has-beens and never-wases is he referring to? But I will say that he’s right about one thing: the Kardashians can make the world a better place…by volunteering for Mars One. Ooh, maybe that’s what he meant? “Don’t worry guys, Ricardo and I will watch your stuff while you’re gone!”

And it looks like North West (or as her mother calls her: ‘Sorry, have we met before?’) wasn’t lucky enough to hitch a ride back to LA with The Sock One, because here she is with Grandma Goblin on their way to the airport. I bet every time North throws that “Who the fuck are you???” face, Kris Jenner texts a picture of Prince George snuggling Duchess Kate to Satan with the message: “Hey, can you find out how to train a baby do this?”

Pics: Splash

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