Surprisingly, this situation doesn’t involve Kim Kardashian responding to yesterday’s news that Beyonce is pregnant with twins by speed-dialing TMZ and letting them know a “source” thinks she might be pregnant with triplets. This situation with Kim actually happened two days ago.
It’s been almost two weeks since Kim Kardashian rinsed the salty blonde victim tears off her husband’s reputation by releasing several Snapchats of a conversation about the song “Famous” between Kanye West and Taylor Swift. And ever since then, there’s been no end to the reminders of the second time Kim took down a snake on camera. Kanye kept the party going last night by reminding everyone at a Drake concert about What Kim Did. You know, in case any of us accidentally got amnesia in the past 12 days and forgot. Thanks, Kanye.
Usually concerts get cancelled after a roadie peeks out from behind the curtain 5 minutes before show time and realizes the audience consists solely of a dozen stray cats who ended up there after following the smell of green room tuna sandwiches through an open stage door. It’s less common for a show to get cancelled after too many people decide they want to see it. But that’s what happened at 2 this morning.
He looks like…A BABY! Can you even believe it? I can’t.
In the grand Kardashian family tradition of sleepy-faced selfies, Kim Kardashian threw up the first real picture of her three-month-old baby Saint West on her website early this morning. Kim chose today to show us what Saint West’s face looks like because it would have been her dad’s 72nd birthday and that “there’s nothing more in the world he would have wanted than to meet his grandchildren.” Which is a little surprising. I always assumed the reason we hadn’t seen Saint yet was because Kim was holding out for a cover of VOGUE or Son of God Weekly. You know, only the best for Kanye West’s kid.
But back to Saint. I know babies sleep a lot, but I like to pretend that Baby Saint has his eyes closed on purpose. It was probably the first time he’s seen Kim since his birth, and he realized it would be better to pretend to be asleep than to make small talk with the rubber-faced stranger and her kamera krew.
Of course, Kim also made sure to give some internet attention to her two other children this weekend by throwing up a picture of Kanye and North West taking a nap at a baby store yesterday to Instagram.
I’ll be honest, if I had to listen to Kim’s white noise vacuum cleaner voice, I’d be fast asleep too. Here’s more of Kim, North, and the No.1 threat to Kris Jenner’s decades-long investment shopping for baby shit with Chrissy Teigen and John Legend yesterday.
Because Rob Kardashian isn’t nearly as pimpable as his sisters, he falls fairly low on the Keeping Up With The Kardashians kall sheet and we don’t really see him that much on TV. We also don’t see him in real life that often either, because Rob doesn’t speed dial the paps every time he farts like the rest of them. The last we heard from Rob, he was maybe-addicted to cough syrup cocktails and dragging his sister on Instagram. Well, we have an update on Rob, and it’s not great.
TMZ says that the Kardashian family sock mogul-turned-Kardashian family version of a Bigfoot sighting was rushed to the hospital on Sunday and diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Apparently Rob had no idea that he was diabetic. Sources tell TMZ that Rob’s official diagnosis is something called diabetic ketoacidosis. “Ketoacidosis? I think I injected that into my forehead once” thought Kim Kardashian.
Rob caught his diabeetus in the nick of time; according to TMZ, if he had ignored the sick feeling he felt on Sunday, he could have gone into a diabetic coma. A source says that if Rob starts to eat right (RIP all those late-night In-N-Out runs) and take care of himself, he can control his diabetes and maybe get it into remission.
Poor Kris Jenner; she must be so conflicted right now. On her right shoulder is a tiny angel consoling her after finding out that her only son is sick in a bad way with diabetes. On the left is a skanky devil screaming with glee and congratulating her on her great new story line for the next season of KUWTK. What am I saying? She totally flicked the angel off her shoulder and started doing celebratory vodka shots with the skanky devil.
Speaking of Rob’s possible return, here’s a kouple kast members working hard to avoid a KUWTK pay kut by strolling into a play gym earlier today.
And I’m sure that before I even finish typing this sentence, a team of plastic surgeons will have already nipped, tucked, sucked, rotated, and filled Kim Kardashian back to her original pre-pregnancy rubber glory.
After being knocked up for what felt like six weeks (none of which could hold a candle to her museum-worthy first pregnancy), professional drowsy-faced reality TV star Kim Kardashian and her current husband Kanye West announced earlier today on her website that she’s finally given birth to her second kid, a baby boy. Somewhere in the Kardashian Khompound (let’s be honest – the nanny’s quarters), North West just let out a giant sigh of relief after realizing she no longer had to go to Pimp Mama Kris’ weekly 4-hour fame whore workshops by herself.
Kim and Kanye haven’t released anything else about their baby’s birth – like if he came out, took one look at who his parents are, and tried to crawl back in. But really, it’s the Kardashians, so it’s only a matter of time. A kamera krew was probably there to record the whole thing (Kris Jenner probably hired the original crew from Kim’s sex tape, since they already had experience with lighting her crotch) and Kim’s intern Kylie has no doubt already started Photoshopping all the wrinkles and womb goo off baby’s face for his first Instagram selfie (“I woke up like this #nomakeup #natural #kuwtk #fittea“).
Obviously, the only thing that matters is what kind of messy name nonsense Kanye wrote on the birth certificate. You’re right, it’s definitely SON OF GOD, in all-caps.