Usually concerts get cancelled after a roadie peeks out from behind the curtain 5 minutes before show time and realizes the audience consists solely of a dozen stray cats who ended up there after following the smell of green room tuna sandwiches through an open stage door. It’s less common for a show to get cancelled after too many people decide they want to see it. But that’s what happened at 2 this morning.
He looks like…A BABY! Can you even believe it? I can’t.
In the grand Kardashian family tradition of sleepy-faced selfies, Kim Kardashian threw up the first real picture of her three-month-old baby Saint West on her website early this morning. Kim chose today to show us what Saint West’s face looks like because it would have been her dad’s 72nd birthday and that “there’s nothing more in the world he would have wanted than to meet his grandchildren.” Which is a little surprising. I always assumed the reason we hadn’t seen Saint yet was because Kim was holding out for a cover of VOGUE or Son of God Weekly. You know, only the best for Kanye West’s kid.
But back to Saint. I know babies sleep a lot, but I like to pretend that Baby Saint has his eyes closed on purpose. It was probably the first time he’s seen Kim since his birth, and he realized it would be better to pretend to be asleep than to make small talk with the rubber-faced stranger and her kamera krew.
Of course, Kim also made sure to give some internet attention to her two other children this weekend by throwing up a picture of Kanye and North West taking a nap at a baby store yesterday to Instagram.
I’ll be honest, if I had to listen to Kim’s white noise vacuum cleaner voice, I’d be fast asleep too. Here’s more of Kim, North, and the No.1 threat to Kris Jenner’s decades-long investment shopping for baby shit with Chrissy Teigen and John Legend yesterday.
Because Rob Kardashian isn’t nearly as pimpable as his sisters, he falls fairly low on the Keeping Up With The Kardashians kall sheet and we don’t really see him that much on TV. We also don’t see him in real life that often either, because Rob doesn’t speed dial the paps every time he farts like the rest of them. The last we heard from Rob, he was maybe-addicted to cough syrup cocktails and dragging his sister on Instagram. Well, we have an update on Rob, and it’s not great.
TMZ says that the Kardashian family sock mogul-turned-Kardashian family version of a Bigfoot sighting was rushed to the hospital on Sunday and diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Apparently Rob had no idea that he was diabetic. Sources tell TMZ that Rob’s official diagnosis is something called diabetic ketoacidosis. “Ketoacidosis? I think I injected that into my forehead once” thought Kim Kardashian.
Rob caught his diabeetus in the nick of time; according to TMZ, if he had ignored the sick feeling he felt on Sunday, he could have gone into a diabetic coma. A source says that if Rob starts to eat right (RIP all those late-night In-N-Out runs) and take care of himself, he can control his diabetes and maybe get it into remission.
Poor Kris Jenner; she must be so conflicted right now. On her right shoulder is a tiny angel consoling her after finding out that her only son is sick in a bad way with diabetes. On the left is a skanky devil screaming with glee and congratulating her on her great new story line for the next season of KUWTK. What am I saying? She totally flicked the angel off her shoulder and started doing celebratory vodka shots with the skanky devil.
Speaking of Rob’s possible return, here’s a kouple kast members working hard to avoid a KUWTK pay kut by strolling into a play gym earlier today.
And I’m sure that before I even finish typing this sentence, a team of plastic surgeons will have already nipped, tucked, sucked, rotated, and filled Kim Kardashian back to her original pre-pregnancy rubber glory.
After being knocked up for what felt like six weeks (none of which could hold a candle to her museum-worthy first pregnancy), professional drowsy-faced reality TV star Kim Kardashian and her current husband Kanye West announced earlier today on her website that she’s finally given birth to her second kid, a baby boy. Somewhere in the Kardashian Khompound (let’s be honest – the nanny’s quarters), North West just let out a giant sigh of relief after realizing she no longer had to go to Pimp Mama Kris’ weekly 4-hour fame whore workshops by herself.
Kim and Kanye haven’t released anything else about their baby’s birth – like if he came out, took one look at who his parents are, and tried to crawl back in. But really, it’s the Kardashians, so it’s only a matter of time. A kamera krew was probably there to record the whole thing (Kris Jenner probably hired the original crew from Kim’s sex tape, since they already had experience with lighting her crotch) and Kim’s intern Kylie has no doubt already started Photoshopping all the wrinkles and womb goo off baby’s face for his first Instagram selfie (“I woke up like this #nomakeup #natural #kuwtk #fittea“).
Obviously, the only thing that matters is what kind of messy name nonsense Kanye wrote on the birth certificate. You’re right, it’s definitely SON OF GOD, in all-caps.
It goes without saying, but yeah, Rebel Wilson makes a better Victoria’s Secret model than Kendall Jenner.
Rebel Wilson was a guest on the Australian radio show, Kyle & Jackie O, not long ago and she told them about the time she said “HELL NO” to presenting an award with Kendull and Kylie Jenner at the MTV VMAs. Rebel said that the Kartrashians stand for everything she is against and they didn’t work for their fame. As far as I know, Rebel’s comments didn’t get any backlash at all. Everyone pretty much slow clapped for her. Well, everyone but Oprah’s Kartrashian-loving ass slow clapped for her. But according to Rebel, deep down in Pimp Mama Kris’ lair of evil, a publicist is carrying out a diabolical plan to smear her!!
It says everything when soulless grand dame of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour, would rather pay attention to a human child than pay attention to the ~fashuns~ in front of her. To Anna Wintour, North West is like a cat at a boring party. She’s so happy that child is there to distract her from the dumb, boring shit going on around her. Mark this day as the first day in history when Anna Wintour is happy to see a child she isn’t about to suck the life out of.
Kanye West wasn’t supposed to butt squirt out his latest collection of overpriced post-apocalyptic rags for Adidas during New York Fashion Week, but since his throbbing pus-filled ego will deflate if he doesn’t take every opportunity to get as much attention as possible, he decided at the last-minute to do a show. Two designers who were scheduled to show at the same time Kanye suddenly decided to show weren’t happy, because they knew he would overshadow them. One designer decided to show anyway and the other rescheduled.
I don’t know why those designers are bitching. They need to shut the hell up and be thankful that his highness Kanye allowed them to show at Fashion Week in the first place. I mean, New York Fashion Week may as well be called New York Kanye Week since Kanye IS Fashion. Besides, I doubt those designers’ collections are as innovative, forward and avant-garde as what Kanye queefed out. And of course I mean the opposite of that since this year’s collection was as bland and basic as last year’s.
— adidas (@adidas) September 16, 2015
They all look like sad used condoms.
Kanye’s kollection for Adidas is perfect for rich bitches who want to waste a lot of money to look like a malnourished desert hobo on the planet Tatooine or like a Walking Dead zombie who teaches aerobics. But what do I know about fasihon? How can I judge Kanye’s genius designs when I’m sitting here wearing a droopy tank top and baggy beige sweatshorts. Oh, wait…
Yes, the person above knows what the word “future” means. I can’t believe it either. Full-time drowsy-faced Instagram model and part-time mother Kim Kardashian “wrote” a letter to her future self for Glamour.com containing a list of her hopes and dreams for the next 10 years. Naturally, I assumed that letter was just a piece of paper with a bunch of dicks drawn on it in black pen, but it turns out it was an actual letter with actual words.
According to Kim’s letter, Kim wants Future Kim to “remember to be kind” to herself about her body and to enjoy how she looks right now because she’s “not getting any younger.” Damn, present-day Kim is a cold-ass bitch. Kim also hopes that Future Kim is patient with her 12-year-old daughter, North West, who no doubt wants nothing to do with the vulcanized tire she calls a mother. Once she got all the superficial shit out of the way, Kim got into her real wishes: Kim hopes that Future Kim is still really good at contouring her face, and that science will have invented a green juice that keeps you tan forever. “Me too, girl,” thought Rachel Dolezal.
“Am I still on fleek? Am I still hot? Please tell me I’m still hot. Oh lord, I’m not hot anymore, am I? Am I at least still hotter than Khloe?”
Here’s more of present-day Kim, Kanye West, and about 2/3 of the Kardashian Koven at Disneyland for North’s 2nd birthday. I heard they couldn’t go on the It’s A Small World ride. Apparently, there was too great a chance Kim would steal the head off the hippo and use it to pad the ass of her pants.
“Dayum, dem titties look like Riccardo’s ass cheeks covered in glitter” is what future second-time dad Kanye West is thinking in that picture. Probably.
On a preview that aired after the mid-season finale of Krapping Up the Kartrashians, Kim Kartrashian lets it be known that North West is going to have a little brother or sister that Kanye West and she will probably name South West or Key West. But they really should name the kid Harpo West. I mean, every time Kim will come to collect her kids for a good old-fashioned photo-op strut on the stroll, North West will say to her brother or sister: “Harpo, who dis woman?”
After all the IVF treatments and shit, Kummy Kakes announced that she’s got a womb full of another baby that will only wear black, white and beige and will have to dodge Pimp Mama Kris as she tries to suck their young blood from their veins. via E! News
The clip shows Kim hearing the exciting news during a doctor’s appointment shortly before spilling the beans to Khloé Kardashian.
“I just got the blood test back, and I am pregnant!” Kim—who’s beaming ear-to-ear—exclaims to her stunned sister.
That’s your cue to brace your eyeballs for picture after picture of a pregnant Kim looking like a sausage exploding in slow motion and her hooves looking like suffocating ham hocks in distress:
Also, Kim tweeted this about the moment in tonight’s episode where she, North, Kylie and Khlozilla get in a kar accident in Montana:
If u only saw Northie's reaction! As a mom I got protective and left that scary moment out of the episode for her privacy
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) June 1, 2015
“For her privacy”? “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,” laughed Pimp Mama Kris before saying, “Kim, you’re kidding right, because we signed a contract with Satan and promised we’d pimp out our own at any cost. Just say you’re kidding.”
“I am SHOCKED!!!“…is what I would say if this news wasn’t the definition of DUH. Although, to be honest, I am a little surprised it wasn’t Pimp Mama Kris who convinced Kylie Jenner to stuff her lips full of fillers. But that’s what happens when you spend 90% of your day in the Kardashian Khompound’s ‘lower office’ (aka the 7th circle of Hell) kounting your kash and brainstorming new ways to pimp out your family with Satan’s public relations expert; you really start to forget about the things that truly matter, like encouraging your 17-year-old to get plastic surgery.
During an interview with Access Hollywood, (via People), Kim Kardashian admitted that she helped prepare Kylie for the Kardashian family initiation ritual of walking into a surgeon’s office and asking for whatever looks the least natural. In Kylie’s case, it was having a hunk of CyberClean injected into her lips. But she totally did it out of love, you guys!
“I saw how for so many years she was so insecure about [her lips]. I mean, at 10 years old, she would say to me, ‘How come my lips aren’t big like you guys?’ And I would see this insecurity … For me, I gave her advice and I still stand by that advice. I think it changed her confidence so much.”
To be fair, that’s not really specific to Kylie; I’m sure if any of us grew up around a pack of drowsy-faced silicone-enthusiasts, we’d start to question why we didn’t look like them too.
But what I really want to know is what other procedures Kim pitched to Kylie. “Are you sure you just want to stick to lips? You know you get a discount if you bundle lips, ass, and tits, right? Plus, they’ll throw in a complimentary nose job.”
Speaking of more rubber than a new set of tires, here’s Kim giving the nannies a 10-second break by picking North West from a dance class yesterday, as well as Kourtney Kardashian and Penelope Disick working the hell out of a super cool birthday cake hat.
Kim Kartrashian Cut Her Self-Promotion Tour Through Armenia Short To Baptize North West In Jerusalem
Alternate title: North West Baptized In The Middle East
Kim Kartrashian, Khlozilla, Kanye West, North West and E!’s camera crew were supposed to stay in Armenia for 8 days, but I guess they got all the footage they needed and if they need to do reshoots they can always build an exact replica of the Armenian Genocide Memorialin a studio in the San Fernando Valley somewhere. So after Kummy Kakes got her bleached b-hole sucked by the Prime Minster and made sure everyone could see her at the Armenian Genocide Memorial and greeted the people like she’s the fucking Princess Diana of Armenia, she cut her visit short by 3 days to take her goodwhore ambassador tour to Israel. Just when you think that Israel has been through it all, the Kartrashians visit it.
E! News says that Kim, Kanye, Khlozilla and North West all left Armenia early this morning and took a private plane to Jerusalem to baptize the Kardashian family’s newest little money maker. North West’s baptism was an intimate, low-key event and what I mean by that is that they were mobbed by the paparazzi Kim called and E!’s camera crew shot the whole thing for an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. North West’s baptism happened at the St. James. Cathedral in the Armenian Quarter of the Old City in Jerusalem. Kim must have gotten a look-alike to go into the church with North West, because I haven’t read any reports about how the church burst into flames and collapsed as soon as she walked in.
Since Anna Wintour and Beyonce probably said “no thank you” to being North West’s godmother, Khlozilla did the honors. North isn’t going to have a godfather so the priest played that role during the ceremony.
North West’s baptism was just one, great big stunt for Kim’s reality shit show, but it’s still a good thing for North West. Because now that she’s been dipped in the holy water of the holy hand, Pimp Mama Kris can never hold her. The next time PMK tries to hold North West, that baby’s blessed skin will burn off the demon leather on PMK’s claws and the only way she’ll be able to stop the burning is to dip her hands in the blood of a sacrificed goat. It’s just not worth it. So YAY for North West for that.
And before Kanye left Armenia, he did a free concert in Yerevan where he baptized himself as an attention whore by jumping into Swan Lake:
You’d think that as a Gay Fish, he’d be a lot more graceful in the water.
Here’s more of Kim and Khlozilla being treated like damn royalty in Armenia: