One of the half-digested ass raisins floating in the 20-minute-long diarrhea puddle that Kanye West shat out during his set at the Wireless Festival in London was about how he’s so sick of the paparazzi constantly “violating” him. Yes, this is the same paparazzi that his gutter tramp of a wife has listed under “favorites” in her iPhone above North West’s head nanny. While getting booed by the crowd who paid money to hear him rap and wasn’t there to listen to the heave-inducing whines coming out of the bruised anus slit he calls a mouth, Kanye brought up Brit Brit Spears’ paparazzi drama and then quoted the definition of “rape” from Kristen Stewart’s dictionary when he said that the paps taking his picture is just like getting sexually violated. I was going to say that Kanye’s Liberace gimp mask was obviously on too tight and squeezing his brain, but he always spits out fuckery like that with or without a Liberace gimp mask on. via The Independent
“I don’t care what you do in life, everybody needs a day off, everybody has the right to say, ‘You know what, I need a minute to breathe’. I want to bring my family to the movies without 30 motherfuckers following me. Everybody here, they like sex right? Sex is great when you and your partner are like, ‘Hey, this is what we both want to do’. But if one of those people don’t want to do that, what is that called? That’s called rape. That is called violation. So if I walk around and say look sir, I’m not feeling so good today, I need some space, can you please not fuck with me today? I need cut-off space, not violation.”
Even though this dried crotch berry gave us the definition of “rape,” I still don’t think he knows what that word really means. Nobody with a half a working brain cell would ever define the Kartrashian’s relationship with the paparazzi as “rape.” It is the complete opposite of “rape.” There’s nothing more opposite than that. If Kanye wants to compare paparazzi attention to “sex,” then I’d say that the Kartrashian’s dealings with the paps are more like a trick putting their address in a Craigslist casual encounters ad where they invite absolutely anybody to a full, blown orgy at their house. Kim getting papped is such a traumatic experience for her that she calls them all the time, texts them her exact location and then posts pictures from the “attack” on Instagram with hashtags like #Hermes.
And that wasn’t the only nugget of delusion that the former rapper turned full-time ranter barfed up:
“I want my daughter to have that opportunity to decide whether she wants to be famous or not. I think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do, how can I change it and how can I give my daughter her childhood?”
Says the level 10 attention whore who yanked at Anna Wintour’s asshole until she put his baby in Vogue, solely named his kid North West because he knew it would get them trending on Twitter and has a pimp-in-law who has already planned his daughter’s first scandal. Nothing says “I want a private family life” like procreating and marrying the fame whore of all fame whores.
And once PMK finishes cackling at Kanye’s cute, little “I want my daughter to decide whether she wants to be famous or not” comment, she’s going to try to smooth things over with the paps by calling each and every one of them to say, “He didn’t mean RAPE rape.”
Here’s Kim shooting her reality shit show in the Hamptons last week while spending time with the people she sees more than her own kid. No, I’m not talking about The Slow One and Lord Douche. I’m talking about the paps.
Khlozilla Got Shit Thrown At Her For Wearing This Mess To North West’s Coachella-Themed First Birthday Party
Kim and Kanye Kartrashian’s people managed to achieve the impossible: they managed to make an even more insufferable and douche-tastic version of Coachella. To celebrate their money (and whatshername’s first birthday), Kim and Kanye threw a kids version of Coachella called Kidchella in Kourtney Kartrashian’s backyard yesterday afternoon. There was a Ferris wheel, food carts, teepees and a bouncy house, and I’m not talking about Kim Kardashian’s ass, which we all wish would be picked up by the wind and blown far, far away. North West will definitely remember this lavish ass birthday party and that was not served on a plate made of sarcasm. North West will fondly remember her first birthday party when in 15 years she tells her therapist it’s the first memory she has of looking at her family and wishing she was born into a pack of wolves instead of a pack of fame whores. “If this is a Coachella-themed party, where’s the molly, because I need some to get through this wreck.” – North West at her own party
Because no version of Coachella is complete without a heaping spoon of shit-covered cultural appropriation, Khloe Kardashian Instagramm’d this picture of her sitting in a front of a teepee with a Native American headdress on top her Sasquatch head. Some of Khlozilla’s Instagram followers squatted out shit nuggets of outrage on top of her for this and asked, “How did she not know?” To which I say, “Are you new here?”, because of course she knew this kind of fuckery would get her as much attention as possible. But you know, for once, I don’t think this was solely about getting her name to trend on Twatter. Khlozilla was getting a little revenge for her kind. For decades and decades, Native American chiefs have worn bear heads as a headdress like this:
So Khlozilla the waxed grizzly bear got back at those tribal chiefs by wearing a Native American headdress on her beastly head. Revenge IS a rabies-infested, rabid grizzly bear wearing a Native American headdress. Payback’s an ugly bitch.
And speaking of messy, this was the entertainment at Kidchella. It puts the HELL in Kidchella.
And I don’t even know if North West was at her own party. She wasn’t in any of the pictures. She was probably having her own party in the catering kitchen with her REAL family: her nannies, drivers and bodyguards.
As Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Kiss As Husband And Wife For The First Time, The Gates Of Hell Open Wide
If you squint real hard, you can almost make out the outline of a swarm of locusts flying toward the Gates of Hell.
Because Pimp Mama Kris and her family of hos know that they have E! to thank for helping to make them the biggest fame whores on the planet, she gave them these first pictures of her trophy ho Kim Kartrashian trying to beat Elizabeth Taylor’s divorce record by marrying her future third ex-husband Kanye West in front of a giant, gaping pussy slit in Florence. I know, it was nice of Kim to pay tribute to the sex tape that started it all. That’s supposed to be a wall of flowers, but it looks like a nasty wall of furry maggots, barnacles, anal wart pus, moldy cauliflower and foam from a rabid beast (Khloe). It’s fitting!
Kim wore an ugly kustom-made lobster bib dress designed by Kanye’s Italian spooning partner Riccardo Tisci and Kanye wore a Kanye butt plug under his Givenchy tuxedo. That dress look like the homely, dumpy stepsister of Duchess Kate’s dress and Kanye’s only smiling because his Kanye butt plug shifted while he was sashaying down the aisle and hit the right the spot. Or the photographer’s assistant knew how to get a smile out of him and held up a mirror real quick.
But the true stars of these pictures are Bruce Jenner and North West.
Bruce is making a queef face, because he knows he can work that dress way better than Kim did. And as always, North West is wondering to herself, “Harpo, who deez people?“
This is probably the same face Kanye West makes when he comes downstairs in the morning for breakfast and finds Pimp Mama Kris and Satan finishing the last of the coffee at the kitchen table. It’s sort of reminiscent of Gob Bluth’s “I’ve made a huge mistake” face. But according to Us Weekly, Kanye Kardashian managed to stuff his regret deep into the pit of his stomach long enough to rant out an insane delusion-soaked wedding speech at Saturday night’s Tacky Assholes Convention:
“They feel like it’s okay to put you on the tabloid covers to sell your image, to use you in an SNL spoof,” he said, per the observer. “We don’t negotiate. We’re not like that. We’re not stupid.” A little while later, he added, “The Kardashians are an industry!”
He also spoke about his and Kim’s inner circle, saying, “We are warriors! There is not one person at this table that has not had to defend us at some point or another.” Then, referring to a specific group of guests at the wedding, he added, “At this table…the combination of powers…can make the world a better place.” He called them “the most remarkable people of our time.”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to be more specific: who exactly from guest list of Z-list has-beens and never-wases is he referring to? But I will say that he’s right about one thing: the Kardashians can make the world a better place…by volunteering for Mars One. Ooh, maybe that’s what he meant? “Don’t worry guys, Ricardo and I will watch your stuff while you’re gone!”
And it looks like North West (or as her mother calls her: ‘Sorry, have we met before?’) wasn’t lucky enough to hitch a ride back to LA with The Sock One, because here she is with Grandma Goblin on their way to the airport. I bet every time North throws that “Who the fuck are you???” face, Kris Jenner texts a picture of Prince George snuggling Duchess Kate to Satan with the message: “Hey, can you find out how to train a baby do this?”
Seen above in happier days when he was the king of his now failed sock empire and posing next to an autographed picture of his wet, naked whore sister (or maybe that’s an alien who can morph into the image of Eva Longoria?), Pimp Mama Kris’ lowest-earning ho Rob Kardashian got mad on Twitter yesterday and had some words to say to the people and blogs who pointed at him and called him a fat fatty fuck after TMZ posted pictures of him looking like Mama June’s body double while strolling through LAX. (Pssh, he wishes he was that smexy.)
Thanks to those pictures, Rob’s body trended on Twitter and story after story came out about how he’s going to fat camp and is flying his trainer to Paris for Kim’s wedding. Rob went on Twitter this morning and said that he knows he’s got chunk for days and he, a dumb trick who needs centuries of therapy for being in that piece of trash family, isn’t getting therapy, because he doesn’t believe in it.
Rob threw that “I love you” at Khloezilla, because she threatened to stomp on all of the houses of the haters who called Rob fat. And while Khloezilla tweeted about how sickened she is by all the shallow and vain people out there, her family’s traveling plastic surgeon lipoed out the croissant platter she had for breakfast as a dermatologist injected ten gallons of Botox into her mug.
This is all just a STUNT, obviously. Rob probably wears a fat suit and spends hours in a make-up chair getting prosthetics. It’s all part of Pimp Mama Kris’ plan to get him a six-figure contract with Jenny Craig and make him the
face b-hole of the Kardashian’s new line of laxatives (I know, permanently full shit bags selling laxatives, what a world). Or maybe Rob is for real fat and if he is, who cares? I don’t know why people are making such a big deal about it. If Rob doesn’t want to work out, Rob shouldn’t work out. If Rob wants to eat whatever he wants, Rob should eat whatever he wants. (And yes, that’s your cue to pour delicious coconut pecan frosting all over PMK and push her toward Rob.)
And here’s Rob’s niece Baby North in Paris today wondering where her mommy (aka the nanny) is and wondering why that strange mannequin creature is holding her.
But before we get into the PlasticFace vs. PlasticFace war of 2014, let’s all slow clap for the artiste who pasted Kanye West’s head onto that picture in Photoshop. It almost looks like he was actually spending time with his kid and she isn’t hugging on her favorite weekday nanny instead.
So, during her stand-up show at the Saban Theater in L.A. on Friday night, Joan Rivers did what Joan Rivers does: drag hos and this time she dragged a baby. Joan told the audience about how Kim Kartrashian brought North into the E! offices one day and she got a good look at the Illuminati’s chosen one. According to Radar, the woman who gave birth to Melissa Rivers said this about Baby Seaweed’s looks and all-natural eyebrow situation:
“That baby is ugly… I’ve never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a waxing.”
That is everyone’s cue to put on a gas mask and stay inside until the US Environmental Protection Agency tells us it’s clear, because the air will fill with toxic clouds of burnt plastic, charred silicone, melting rubber, scorched Botox and exploding gay fish anus when Pimp Mama Kris, Kanye and Joan Rivers go at it over this. Oh, what am I saying. PMK probably sent Joan a basket full of Liquid Nails (Botox is for amateurs) and labia bleaching cream as a thank you gift for giving her future little money maker more attention.
Tis the season for giving… and I wish Kim Kartrashian would’ve given us the gift of Instagramming a picture of the one-way tickets to a luxurious winter resort town called Alert, Nunavut that someone called “HUMANITY” sent to her and Kanye Kartrashian. But sadly, she didn’t do that. Instead, Kim, being the modest whore she is, gifted the 99% with pictures of all the stupid, overpriced shit that stupid designers sent to her kid. Happy Christmas! Let’s all barf together.
After North West was born and Pimp Mama Kris raised her hooves into the night air while proclaiming her allegiance to the Illuminati demons for giving her another living, breathing ATM, a bunch of design houses sent over a bunch of fancy shit and Kim Instagrammed all that crap. Kim did it again and threw up pictures of designer shoes and clothes given to
Baby Nori Baby Seaweed by Stella McCartney, Giuseppe Zanotti, Charlotte Olympia and Michael Coste for Christmas.
It was really nice of Kim to remind us of her modesty and to also remind us that there’s designers out there who are ridiculous enough to send $300 black pussy flats to a baby who doesn’t give a butt bubble about what she’s wearing. I once hung out with a baby (I don’t do that often, but sometimes I’m forced to) at Christmas times and I made her an outfit out of gift ribbon and wrapping paper. She looked a mess, but she laughed and smiled like that outfit was made of magic. I sniffed at the wrapping paper while thinking that it was laced with weed that seeped into her skin and made her laugh, because she was freaking out about her wrapping paper dress. What I’m saying is that babies are simple creatures and love shit like ribbon headbands and the designers only sent Kim that crap to feed her gaping hole of an ego.
But you know, maybe those designers did Baby Seaweed a favor. While Kanye rants for hours about how he’s the one who first invented white fringed leather sneakers for babies and Kim queefs at her assistant to immediately put all that stuff on eBay, Baby Seaweed can escape without them finding out. Grab those Hermes slippers (you can sell ‘em later for cash) and crawl, Baby Seaweed, crawl!
Since a Kardashian isn’t officially a Kardashian until she’s been dipped in a pot of wax, covered in strips and ripped of every hair on her body, some accused Kim Kartrashian of taking a tip from Backdoor Farrah’s “How To Be A Shit Mom” parenting book by waxing North West’s brows. After Kim Instagrammed this picture of Baby North yesterday, some accused her of Veet-ing her adorable future money maker’s eye valances. But Kim’s spokeswhore tells The Daily Mail that wax hasn’t touched North’s brows and her perfectly manicured eyebrows are a work of nature.
Kim is a lying skank and if she told me the sky was blue, I’d have to check with Pantone color swatches before believing her, but I actually think she’s spitting out the truth here. Mark this day! Yes,
Baby Seaweed Baby Nori will inherit Pimp Mama Kris and Kim’s fucked up body issues, but I don’t think they used wax to elevate that baby’s eyebrow game. They used the other Kartrashian beauty tool of choice: PHOTOSHOP!
And I’m surprised that North even has eyebrow hair and eyelashes. It’s a miracle that they didn’t burn off from Kanye West constantly fire breathing out the words, “Guess who’s the luckiest baby in the world for having God’s God as a father?” onto her face. I’m also surprised that North is smiling. In every picture I’ve seen of North West, she looks like she’s in the middle of saying, “HELP ME,” in Morse code by blinking her eyes. I wonder how they got her to smile? They probably waved emancipation papers in front of her face. Pimp Mama Kris is a cruel genius.
And here’s Kim, the slow one and Penelope leaving a cosmetic laser center yesterday. No, of course they weren’t there to laser off Penelope’s brows hair. They’re not monsters! They were there to get all the whispers of hairs lasered off of Penelope’s body. It’s never too soon to prepare your baby for bikini season!
Kim Kartrashian is back from flashing her smashed tit balls all over Paris and she celebrated her return by posting a new picture of North West on Instagram. In the first picture of North West that Kanye shared with public eyes, she looked like she was reaching out for help and screaming “Ayúdame!” with her eyes. In this picture, Baby North looks like a traumatized Glo Worm who’s been strapped in a baby straitjacket swaddle and laid on a polar bear rug. Since this is Kim and Kanye’s baby, I’m sure that’s a custom-made Givenchy bandage wrap and every newborn of the 1% will be working one in a few years. North West is that forward and that ahead. The NO ARMS look will be the look in six years.
Or maybe North West is wrapped in baby Spanx. I would Google to see if baby Spanx is really a thing, but I don’t feel like numbing my brain by smoking crack after finding out that it is a real thing that exists. It’s too early for that.
The United States government hit the Command-Option-Esc command on all us bitches and slid down the inflatable JetBlue evacuation slide, but forget about that. Let’s talk about what really matters in this world: Kim Kartrashian’s titty leche.
Kim is in Paris with Kanye Kardashian for Paris Fashion Week, because it’s been much too long since they’ve posed together a genuine staged photo-op for attention and because he wanted to spend some alone time with her (aka do ass-to-ass with a double-sided dildo while she’s wearing a Kanye mask over her head). Since Kim has wet queefs for brains, she wanted to bring 3-month-old North West to Paris with her, but Kanye farted on that idea because no baby is going to take the attention away from him! Kanye is supposed to the belle of the Paris Fashion Week ball! Not some baby who can’t even say Givenchy right. Can you believe North can’t even say Givenchy right? Are we sure she’s Kanye’s daughter? Call Maury!
So then Kim came up with the brilliant plan to either FedEx her chichi milk to North’s mouth or make an assistant deliver it. Some source told Radar:
“Kim really wanted to take Nori to Paris but Kanye insisted that it wasn’t a good idea because of his issues with photographers. He thought it was too dangerous. He also wanted Kim all to himself for a few days. He said they needed to spend time together as a couple away from her family.
Kim had wanted to continue breast feeding for another two months. She considered taking a breast pump with her to Paris and having either an assistant flying the milk back to L.A. or shipping it back by FedEx. Kanye thought that was ludicrous, and as usual he got his way.”
Oh, please. Like we’re really supposed to believe that Kim doesn’t have thirty freezers full of her frozen tit milk because she heard that breastfeeding will melt away some of the chunk and so she’s constantly pumping her way to skinny. Besides, even if Kim doesn’t have thirty freezers full of her frozen tit milk, Pimp Mama Kris’ got this. Cut to PMK winking at the camera as Baby North sucks the hot milk of Lucifer out of her tete.
In other Kardashishit, Kim behaved like the humble, down-to-earth whore she is by Instagramming all the free luxury baby clothes she’s gotten from designers.
What a beautiful thing to Instagram to the 99% on Government Shut Down Day! I hope bitch follows up this touching series by Instramming pictures of all these designer clothes after North has shit, barfed and drooled all over them.
Here’s Kim sort of wearing normal people clothes in Paris this morning.