Yes, the person above knows what the word “future” means. I can’t believe it either. Full-time drowsy-faced Instagram model and part-time mother Kim Kardashian “wrote” a letter to her future self for Glamour.com containing a list of her hopes and dreams for the next 10 years. Naturally, I assumed that letter was just a piece of paper with a bunch of dicks drawn on it in black pen, but it turns out it was an actual letter with actual words.
According to Kim’s letter, Kim wants Future Kim to “remember to be kind” to herself about her body and to enjoy how she looks right now because she’s “not getting any younger.” Damn, present-day Kim is a cold-ass bitch. Kim also hopes that Future Kim is patient with her 12-year-old daughter, North West, who no doubt wants nothing to do with the vulcanized tire she calls a mother. Once she got all the superficial shit out of the way, Kim got into her real wishes: Kim hopes that Future Kim is still really good at contouring her face, and that science will have invented a green juice that keeps you tan forever. “Me too, girl,” thought Rachel Dolezal.
“Am I still on fleek? Am I still hot? Please tell me I’m still hot. Oh lord, I’m not hot anymore, am I? Am I at least still hotter than Khloe?”
Here’s more of present-day Kim, Kanye West, and about 2/3 of the Kardashian Koven at Disneyland for North’s 2nd birthday. I heard they couldn’t go on the It’s A Small World ride. Apparently, there was too great a chance Kim would steal the head off the hippo and use it to pad the ass of her pants.
“Dayum, dem titties look like Riccardo’s ass cheeks covered in glitter” is what future second-time dad Kanye West is thinking in that picture. Probably.
On a preview that aired after the mid-season finale of Krapping Up the Kartrashians, Kim Kartrashian lets it be known that North West is going to have a little brother or sister that Kanye West and she will probably name South West or Key West. But they really should name the kid Harpo West. I mean, every time Kim will come to collect her kids for a good old-fashioned photo-op strut on the stroll, North West will say to her brother or sister: “Harpo, who dis woman?”
After all the IVF treatments and shit, Kummy Kakes announced that she’s got a womb full of another baby that will only wear black, white and beige and will have to dodge Pimp Mama Kris as she tries to suck their young blood from their veins. via E! News
The clip shows Kim hearing the exciting news during a doctor’s appointment shortly before spilling the beans to Khloé Kardashian.
“I just got the blood test back, and I am pregnant!” Kim—who’s beaming ear-to-ear—exclaims to her stunned sister.
That’s your cue to brace your eyeballs for picture after picture of a pregnant Kim looking like a sausage exploding in slow motion and her hooves looking like suffocating ham hocks in distress:
Also, Kim tweeted this about the moment in tonight’s episode where she, North, Kylie and Khlozilla get in a kar accident in Montana:
If u only saw Northie's reaction! As a mom I got protective and left that scary moment out of the episode for her privacy
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) June 1, 2015
“For her privacy”? “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,” laughed Pimp Mama Kris before saying, “Kim, you’re kidding right, because we signed a contract with Satan and promised we’d pimp out our own at any cost. Just say you’re kidding.”
“I am SHOCKED!!!“…is what I would say if this news wasn’t the definition of DUH. Although, to be honest, I am a little surprised it wasn’t Pimp Mama Kris who convinced Kylie Jenner to stuff her lips full of fillers. But that’s what happens when you spend 90% of your day in the Kardashian Khompound’s ‘lower office’ (aka the 7th circle of Hell) kounting your kash and brainstorming new ways to pimp out your family with Satan’s public relations expert; you really start to forget about the things that truly matter, like encouraging your 17-year-old to get plastic surgery.
During an interview with Access Hollywood, (via People), Kim Kardashian admitted that she helped prepare Kylie for the Kardashian family initiation ritual of walking into a surgeon’s office and asking for whatever looks the least natural. In Kylie’s case, it was having a hunk of CyberClean injected into her lips. But she totally did it out of love, you guys!
“I saw how for so many years she was so insecure about [her lips]. I mean, at 10 years old, she would say to me, ‘How come my lips aren’t big like you guys?’ And I would see this insecurity … For me, I gave her advice and I still stand by that advice. I think it changed her confidence so much.”
To be fair, that’s not really specific to Kylie; I’m sure if any of us grew up around a pack of drowsy-faced silicone-enthusiasts, we’d start to question why we didn’t look like them too.
But what I really want to know is what other procedures Kim pitched to Kylie. “Are you sure you just want to stick to lips? You know you get a discount if you bundle lips, ass, and tits, right? Plus, they’ll throw in a complimentary nose job.”
Speaking of more rubber than a new set of tires, here’s Kim giving the nannies a 10-second break by picking North West from a dance class yesterday, as well as Kourtney Kardashian and Penelope Disick working the hell out of a super cool birthday cake hat.
Kim Kartrashian Cut Her Self-Promotion Tour Through Armenia Short To Baptize North West In Jerusalem
Alternate title: North West Baptized In The Middle East
Kim Kartrashian, Khlozilla, Kanye West, North West and E!’s camera crew were supposed to stay in Armenia for 8 days, but I guess they got all the footage they needed and if they need to do reshoots they can always build an exact replica of the Armenian Genocide Memorialin a studio in the San Fernando Valley somewhere. So after Kummy Kakes got her bleached b-hole sucked by the Prime Minster and made sure everyone could see her at the Armenian Genocide Memorial and greeted the people like she’s the fucking Princess Diana of Armenia, she cut her visit short by 3 days to take her goodwhore ambassador tour to Israel. Just when you think that Israel has been through it all, the Kartrashians visit it.
E! News says that Kim, Kanye, Khlozilla and North West all left Armenia early this morning and took a private plane to Jerusalem to baptize the Kardashian family’s newest little money maker. North West’s baptism was an intimate, low-key event and what I mean by that is that they were mobbed by the paparazzi Kim called and E!’s camera crew shot the whole thing for an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. North West’s baptism happened at the St. James. Cathedral in the Armenian Quarter of the Old City in Jerusalem. Kim must have gotten a look-alike to go into the church with North West, because I haven’t read any reports about how the church burst into flames and collapsed as soon as she walked in.
Since Anna Wintour and Beyonce probably said “no thank you” to being North West’s godmother, Khlozilla did the honors. North isn’t going to have a godfather so the priest played that role during the ceremony.
North West’s baptism was just one, great big stunt for Kim’s reality shit show, but it’s still a good thing for North West. Because now that she’s been dipped in the holy water of the holy hand, Pimp Mama Kris can never hold her. The next time PMK tries to hold North West, that baby’s blessed skin will burn off the demon leather on PMK’s claws and the only way she’ll be able to stop the burning is to dip her hands in the blood of a sacrificed goat. It’s just not worth it. So YAY for North West for that.
And before Kanye left Armenia, he did a free concert in Yerevan where he baptized himself as an attention whore by jumping into Swan Lake:
You’d think that as a Gay Fish, he’d be a lot more graceful in the water.
Here’s more of Kim and Khlozilla being treated like damn royalty in Armenia:
If you live in the southern California area and have noticed a sudden surplus of injectable face fillers, this would be why. Kim Kardashian, her current husband Kanye West, the baby thing that she sometimes hangs out with North West, and their bodyguard Khloe Kardashian have landed in Armenia. Dear Armenia: on behalf of humanity, I am truly, truly sorry.
TMZ says Kim took the trip because she wanted to get in touch with her Armenian roots. “Uh…yeah…me too” thought Khloe, as she nervously shifted her eyes from side to side. I guess Kim figured it was time to reconnect with her father’s culture since she’s spent so much time fully embracing her mother’s (being a hard-core fame-whore is considered a culture, right?). And I’m assuming she brought North so that her daughter wouldn’t grow up thinking her mother’s heritage was Silicone-American.
Speaking of heritage, Kanye West must not want to identify as a pap-swatting hater anymore, because he finally settled that lawsuit that was filed against him by that pap he whooped outside LAX in 2013. Even weirder, he publicly apologized to the pap and shook his hand WHILE SMILING. And we all know Kanye never smiles, so I don’t know what’s up with that. My guess is Pimp Mama Kris pulled some kind of Invasion of the Body Snatchers shit on him. PMK is half pod person, right?
And while Kim and the krew are in Armenia, TMZ says they’ll visit the Armenian Genocide monument, museums (LOL – more like the museum bathroom to take porn face selfies in the mirror), visit the town where Robert Kardashian’s family is from. And hopefully while they’re doing all that, America finds a way to prevent them from re-entering the country. “Sorry Armenia, they’re your problem now! XO Uncle Sam.”
Here’s Kim, Kanye, Khloe, and an over-it North West flying out of LAX yesterday:
Feel free to make a “giant feet” joke here. During a recent interview with Yahoo! Style, legendary summer-eyed tramp and current aspiring iTunes jockey Paris Hilton was asked about her former assistant and current filler enthusiast Kim Kardashian, specifically if she feels in any way responsible for unleashing Kim and her horrible family upon humanity. Ok, technically the question was if she thought her career paved the way for Kim’s and what she thought about the idea that the Kardashians would not exist if it weren’t for Paris Hilton. But let’s be honest – that’s just the churched up version of what I said.
Rather than listening to her conscience, which was no doubt screaming “YOU OWE THE WORLD AN APOLOGY!” into her ear, Paris answered:
“We’ve known each other since we were little girls. We’ve always been friends. It’s nice to inspire people. So yeah, I’m really proud of her and what she’s done.”
I don’t know if Paris Hilton’s single working brain cell is smart enough to know how to throw shade, but something about that “It’s nice to inspire people” line made me put away my SPF and grab a sweater. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but that sounded like Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery‘s cuntier sister.
Paris also said some shit about her future baby (literally every one of her ovums just started trembling with fear that they might be chosen for the real life Hunger Games that is growing into a baby that would have to call Paris Hilton “Mom”) and that she wants to name it London, regardless of whether it’s a boy or a girl. First Lindsay Lohan, now this? Poor London. What did London ever do to deserve being associated with such trash?
Speaking of Paris Hilton’s former fame whore apprentice, here’s Kim taking her kid to the movies last week. I love that every time we see North West, it looks like she’s scanning the area for an escape route. “Eh, none this time. Rats.”
After finding it difficult to breathe due to the thick truth-scented fart cloud floating around their house courtesy of Amber Rose, some of the Kardashian girls decided to get some fresh air by fleeing to Montana for a ski vacation. Unfortunately, TMZ says that while driving around Bozeman earlier today, Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, Kylie Jenner, and North West ended up in a ditch after the vehicle they were driving hit a patch of black ice and skidded into oncoming traffic.
According to TMZ, a semi-truck drove past their GMC Yukon and splashed a ton of snow onto their windshield, which made it impossible for Khloe, who was driving the four of them, to see where she was going and she started swerving like Toonces the Cat. That’s when the vehicle hit a patch of ice and spun out of control, sliding into oncoming traffic and then ending up in the ditch. Poor North; I bet the second the car started swerving she threw up her hands like “Are you kidding me? The ONE day I spend with my mother instead of the nannies. Typical.”
Even though their accident sounds like some dramatic shit, Kim, Khloe, Kylie, and North West are all fine and there’s no damage to the vehicle. And before you go booking some nigh school driver’s ed classes for Khloe, cops say the roads around Bozeman are super icy today and there have been a number of similar accidents.
Winter weather car accidents are no joke, so even though I detest these cash-humping hookers with every fibre of my being, I’m glad everyone is OK and nobody got hurt. But still, if I were them, I’d probably let someone else do the driving for the next 7 days. First Bruce Jenner’s accident, now this? February is truly not the month when it comes to the Kardashian family and their kars.
Cathy Horyn of The New York Times, who? North West is the only fashion critic we need. On Thursday, North West made it perfectly clear that Kanye West’s collection for Adidas is an 80s aerobics fugly nightmare when she screamed during the show and demanded to be led far, far away from those nasty rags. North West pretty much gave Alexander Wang’s Fall/Winter 2015 collection the same review. You’d bawl too if a model came stomping toward you in those 90s gothic shit brick shoes.
The Illuminati’s parents of the year, Kim Kartrashian and Kuntye West, once again dragged their little, living fashion accessory to the last place she wants to be: a New York Fashion Week show. Why won’t those dumb fucks let North West live her life? I know as much about babies as I do about proper sentence structure, but I’m pretty sure listening to ear drum-busting music while watching The Grudge-looking ass models with constipation face is not their idea of a good time. Babies like to drool on their stuffed animals while watching mindless cartoons. They’re like stoners that way.
Pimp Mama Kris must be so disappointed in Kim. PMK taught Kim everything she knows about the pimp game and that hallowed-out mannequin of dumb made a rookie mistake. Doesn’t Kim know that you’re supposed to sell your child’s soul five seconds after they’re born so that they become vain and shallow inside and won’t act up when you parade them in front of the cameras? PMK is so ashamed! But I hope North West keeps rebelling against those messes, because we really need a Mommie Dearest-like tell-all from her in 20 years titled Pimpie Dearest.
Pics: Getty, Splash
And after you look at the pictures of Kanye’s collection, you’l feel exactly the same.
Soulless fame whore mannequin Kim Kartrashian learned today that sometimes your living and breathing fashion accessory is tired of being your living and breathing fashion accessory and fights back. At the New York Fashion Week show for Kanye West’s collection for Adidas tonight, Kummy Kakes once again dragged North West out for photo-ops and that child was not having it. She did not want to be there. Beyonce, Jay-Z and Anna Wintour were totally over it and I’m surprised Anna didn’t shush that child up by sucking her soul.
Can you even blame North West? The clothes are awful, the music is probably loud and she’s sitting next to the Queen of the Death Eaters who can eat her youth at any moment. North West just wants to be at home with her mommy aka the nanny.
With that being said, North West is my new favorite fashion critic.
And here’s a million pictures of Kummy, Anna (who was not amused by these ugly clothes), North West, RiRi, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Diddy (whose head looks like a clit between two furry coochie lips) and the collection which looks like “homeless ballerina as seen through the eyes of Mugatu.”
Pics: Reuters, Getty, Wenn.com
As a Canadian person, I never knew the greasy joy that is going to the Waffle House half-drunk on a Saturday night. We don’t have Waffle Houses up here (and please don’t ask if we have Waffle Igloos, because I really wish we did), so when I finally did get a chance to go to one, it was one of the best moments of my life. Yes, I cried. I cried sweet syrupy tears of happiness. Meanwhile, Eeyore’s cousin Kanye West goes to the Waffle House and sits there like a grumpy toddler who was just told “no more juice”.
Kanye decided to make a surprise appearance at Rihanna’s DirecTV pre-Super Bowl party in Phoenix last night, and of course he brought his life-size Barbie Kim Kardashian with him, because it’s not like one of them needs to stay home and look after the kid or anything. After the show, they decided to go to a Waffle House with John Legend and Chrissy Teigen, who look like they just came from an adult prom, and that’s when Kanye morphed into Grumpy Cat’s asshole.
Kanye is such a difficult bitch. He is totally that friend who gets all mopey in the car because he wanted IHOP and everyone else voted for Waffle House. Then when they get to Waffle House, he throws a mini-tantrum because they don’t have butter pecan syrup and orders “just water, I guess” while everyone else gets ready to mouth-fuck an All-Star Special.
Speaking of ‘the kid’, Kim made sure to remind us/herself that she’s still somebody’s mother by Instagramming a couple pics with North West before she left.