Kim Kartrashian is back from flashing her smashed tit balls all over Paris and she celebrated her return by posting a new picture of North West on Instagram. In the first picture of North West that Kanye shared with public eyes, she looked like she was reaching out for help and screaming “Ayúdame!” with her eyes. In this picture, Baby North looks like a traumatized Glo Worm who’s been strapped in a baby straitjacket swaddle and laid on a polar bear rug. Since this is Kim and Kanye’s baby, I’m sure that’s a custom-made Givenchy bandage wrap and every newborn of the 1% will be working one in a few years. North West is that forward and that ahead. The NO ARMS look will be the look in six years.
Or maybe North West is wrapped in baby Spanx. I would Google to see if baby Spanx is really a thing, but I don’t feel like numbing my brain by smoking crack after finding out that it is a real thing that exists. It’s too early for that.
The United States government hit the Command-Option-Esc command on all us bitches and slid down the inflatable JetBlue evacuation slide, but forget about that. Let’s talk about what really matters in this world: Kim Kartrashian’s titty leche.
Kim is in Paris with Kanye Kardashian for Paris Fashion Week, because it’s been much too long since they’ve posed together a genuine staged photo-op for attention and because he wanted to spend some alone time with her (aka do ass-to-ass with a double-sided dildo while she’s wearing a Kanye mask over her head). Since Kim has wet queefs for brains, she wanted to bring 3-month-old North West to Paris with her, but Kanye farted on that idea because no baby is going to take the attention away from him! Kanye is supposed to the belle of the Paris Fashion Week ball! Not some baby who can’t even say Givenchy right. Can you believe North can’t even say Givenchy right? Are we sure she’s Kanye’s daughter? Call Maury!
So then Kim came up with the brilliant plan to either FedEx her chichi milk to North’s mouth or make an assistant deliver it. Some source told Radar:
“Kim really wanted to take Nori to Paris but Kanye insisted that it wasn’t a good idea because of his issues with photographers. He thought it was too dangerous. He also wanted Kim all to himself for a few days. He said they needed to spend time together as a couple away from her family.
Kim had wanted to continue breast feeding for another two months. She considered taking a breast pump with her to Paris and having either an assistant flying the milk back to L.A. or shipping it back by FedEx. Kanye thought that was ludicrous, and as usual he got his way.”
Oh, please. Like we’re really supposed to believe that Kim doesn’t have thirty freezers full of her frozen tit milk because she heard that breastfeeding will melt away some of the chunk and so she’s constantly pumping her way to skinny. Besides, even if Kim doesn’t have thirty freezers full of her frozen tit milk, Pimp Mama Kris’ got this. Cut to PMK winking at the camera as Baby North sucks the hot milk of Lucifer out of her tete.
In other Kardashishit, Kim behaved like the humble, down-to-earth whore she is by Instagramming all the free luxury baby clothes she’s gotten from designers.
What a beautiful thing to Instagram to the 99% on Government Shut Down Day! I hope bitch follows up this touching series by Instramming pictures of all these designer clothes after North has shit, barfed and drooled all over them.
Here’s Kim sort of wearing normal people clothes in Paris this morning.
As expected, Kanye West showed the first picture of 2-month-old North West on Pimp Mama Kris’ failing talk show today, because PMK kidnapped Riccardo Tisci and wouldn’t release him from her dungeon unless Kanye did exactly what she said. So Kanye let PMK whore her grandchild out for ratings.
North West has a scared look in her eyes that says, “goo-goo gah-GAHD save me from these coo coo whores,” and she’s reaching out for help and emancipation forms, so yup, she’s definitely Kim and Kanye’s child and she definitely knows she’s a Kardashian.
Since Anna Wintour made it perfectly clear that she’d rather finger her culo hole with one of those hideous toe finger shoes than put a Kardashian on the cover of Vogue and Pimp Mama Kris officially owns Kanye West’s soul now, North West’s face will make its debut on the finale of her daytime shit fest this Friday.
Kanye is PMK’s final guest and during his visit, he shows the audience a picture of the newest Kardashian kash machine. Or at least, they’re telling us that Kanye is on the show, but something in the whore milk ain’t clean about this. Kanye is actually smiling while in the presence of PMK. Kanye only smiles when Givenchy sends him another black leather clip-on ass lip ring or when he looks at himself in the mirror. That’s either a hologram or that’s Bruce Jenner in a Kanye mask.
TMZ says that a picture of North West flashed on the monitors for only a quick second, because producers didn’t want anybody in the audience to take a picture and leak it onto the Internet before Friday. Kanye and Kim were thinking about debuting North West’s face on Instagram or Tumblr, but ultimately decided to help out PMK, because that desperate pimp whore wrangler will bite off Riccardo Tisci’s dick if they don’t. The test run for PMK’s whore show will end this Friday and then FOX will decide whether or not to pick it up-full time, so she wants to get as my eyes on her show as possible.
A source, who was at the taping on Monday, tells E! that the picture shows North West lying on her stomach while wearing a black onesie. The source went on to say this mess of words that’ll make you laugh, fart and roll your eyes all at the same time:
“[Kanye] said he had decided he wanted to show the picture of North because they didn’t want to make money on the photo and he is fed up of paps following him around.”
The audience almost got covered with wet pieces of pimp meat, because PMK nearly exploded when Kanye said he “didn’t want to make money on the photo.” But then she calmed down when she realized all the attention her dumb show will get for showing North West’s face.
What’s really suspect about this desperate stunt is that the entire West Coast didn’t combust when Pimp Mama Kris’ overinflated ego and Kanye’s overinflated ego were put in a room together. Yeah, that’s totally a Kanye hologram.
And why does the Kanye hologram have a Kardashian-sized anal kondom in its shirt pocket?
While getting their anuses bleached next to each other a few months ago, Kanye West begged the house mother of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour, to put Kim Kartrashian on the cover of Vogue and she said in so many words that the only way that will happen is if Lucifer rises up to Earth, buys Conde Nast and makes Pimp Mama Kris president (this could happen). So Kanye West is trying something else. Because Botox takes twice as long to settle in a newborn baby’s face, North West hasn’t made her public debut yet and Kanye is hoping she’ll make it on the cover of Vogue. Kanye asked Anna if she’d be into putting Kim, North West and him on the cover of Vogue and she wasn’t amused enough to take her mouth off of the living, breathing baby swan she was feeding on. Some source tells Radar:
“It’s no secret that Kanye is a huge fan of fashion, Vogue and especially Anna Wintour. “But it’s also pretty well-known that Anna is NO fan of Kim or any reality star appearing in the pages of the magazine. Kanye is determined to make sure baby North isn’t photographed by paparazzi then splashed across the world. He knows what he wants — a professional photographer and the cover of Vogue – nothing else. But clearly, trying to persuade Anna is going to be an uphill battle.”
When Kanye’s overinflated, pus-filled ego gets a dent in it, he goes even harder and so he’s gathering a bunch of statistics together to show Anna that putting Kim on the cover sells magazines. In his presentation to Anna, Kanye should also make sure he lets her know that Kim’s magazine covers were mostly bought by the owners of constipated birds who used it as cage lining so their pets would really be inspired to shit and piss.
I doubt North West is going to make her debut on the cover of Vogue and I doubt her first portrait is going to replace the Mona Lisa at the Louvre (that’s Kanye’s first plan). I bet that the paparazzo who fucked with Kanye will get the first picture and he’ll make a bunch of money off of it. That’ll make Kanye the speechless one for once.
Kim Kartrashian Wants You To Think That She Turned Down $3 Million For The First Pictures of North West
Hollywood Life said a few days ago that Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West were going to steal a move from Brangelina by selling the first pictures of North West to a magazine and donating all the money to charity so they look like giving and charitable souls (not to be confused with Kim’s giving and charitable hole. I mean, she did do Ray-J several times and that’s pretty much an act of charity). But UsWeekly says that an Australian magazine recently offered $3 million for the first EXCLUSIVO pictures of North West and Kim and Kanye turned them down. It’s a sad day for money, because it was actually turned down by an easy, greedy, money-grubbing whore like Kim Kartrashian.
A sores (typo and it stays since the “sores” was obviously Pimp Mama Kris) tells UsWeekly that motherhood has really changed Kim and she no longer wants to be the biggest fame whore on the ho stroll. Kanye doesn’t want North West on the Kardashian family shit show and he’s really protective of her face, so there’s a chance that he and Kim might not sell pictures of her at all. The sores said:
“Kanye’s been adamant about not having the baby on the show. He was serious when he said North isn’t America’s baby, so he may not do anything.”
America’s baby?! As an American citizen, I demand to go on Maury and I demand a DNA test. But you know, the fact that Kanye even entertains the idea of North West being America’s baby says everything.
Kim and Kanye obviously turned down that $3 million because they want MORE MORE MORE! They want Brangelina money. They want to donate at least 8 figures to Pimp Mama Kris’ Foundation For Needy and Greedy Whores. They’re also waiting to sell the pictures because North West isn’t Kardashian kamera ready yet. Collagen and Botox takes twice as long to settle in a baby’s face. I know, babies are so difficult.
The Daily Mail says that Kim Kartrashian thinks she’s a regular Detective La Toya (heffa wishes), because she tried to find out which one of her friends would betray her trust (HA!) and try to sell pictures of North West to the media. Kim is the only whore who is allowed to whore her baby out for money, thankyouverymuch. Kim sent two pictures of two random babies to her friends and told them that it her own spawn North West and waited to find out which one of them would take the bait. Kim trying to smell out a rat from her circle of friend is like a rat trying to smell out a rat from a pile of rats. They’re all rats!
Some whore fell for Kim’s trick and tried to sell the pictures to TMZ. TMZ realized that the pictures were fraudulent because the babies in the pictures weren’t wearing leather onesies. No baby of Kanye’s is going to wear off-the-rack shit from Babies ‘R Us.
I wonder which one of Kim’s whore friends is shameless, shady and money hungry enough to try to sell pictures of her baby…..
Hmmm…. I have no klue!
Sources (aka Pimp Mama Kris’ publicity minions) tell The Sun that Kanye West put a £500,000 black and tiger stripe diamond ring on Kim Kartrashian’s sausage fingers right after she birthed out North West and the ring wasn’t an engagement ring. It was a push present. Never mind that the phrase “push present” makes my throat want to push out a dry heave, we all know that Kim didn’t push. Poor North West easily fell out of Kim’s kooch and tried to run for her life but was tackled by Khloe Kardashian before she even got close to the exit door.
The Sun’s source says that Kanye designed the ring months ago. Kanye also spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on making sure that Kim was surrounded by luxury as she gave birth to their spawn. Kanye rented three £2,500-a-night VIP birthing suites at Cedars-Sinai and hired a £3,000-a-day doula to be with Kim for the four days she was in the hospital. The source said that Kanye also proposed to Kim and they plan on getting married in Paris this September. The source put it like this:
“Kanye wasted no money in making sure Kim had the best of everything while she’s in hospital. He has spent half a million on a ring as a push present and had it designed months ago in preparation. He’s even more in love with her now than ever and they can’t wait to get married.”
I know this is coming from The Sun, but The Sun did say months ago that these two messes were going to name their kid North West and everyone was like, “Hahaha, even those scrags bitches wouldn’t be stupid enough to do that.” And here we are. Kim probably feels all special, but she shouldn’t. Wait until she sees the $2 million black diamond double cock ring Kanye bought for himself for creating the second coming.
And when Kim is breastfeeding PMK’s newest kash kow (which TMZ says she LOVES doing), baby North West can pull off that ring all sneaky-like and pawn it off to pay her emancipation lawyers. So at least that stupid ring will serve some purpose.
Even though legend has it that J.K. Rowling based the Death Eaters on the Illuminati, the two organizations of dark-sided evilness hate each other and will do whatever it takes to destroy one another. Well, in the never-ending battle between the Death Eaters and the Illuminati, the Death Eaters are winning and they owe it all to their House Madam, Anna Wintour.
E! says that at a pre-Met Gala dinner at Anna Wintour’s townhouse in May, Anna told Kim Kartrashian that she likes the name North West. It’s kind of hard to believe that Anna was able to say words to Kim’s face without dry heaving before screaming at her bodyguards to remove that tacky trash from her sight, but she had ulterior motives. Anna knows that Kim cares more about getting on the cover of Vogue than keeping her allegiance to the Illuminati, so she told her that she liked the name North West. Anna didn’t think those fools would actually fall for it, but those dumb bitches did and named their poor child North West. And Kim still isn’t going to get that cover of Vogue. Ah-haha! E-hehe! The Illuminati are powerless against Anna Wintour! Anna’s assistants now know why she actually cracked a smile this morning.
E!’s source says that Anna saying she likes the name North West isn’t the reason why Kim and Kanye chose that name, but they’re happy to have her blessing. Uh huh. Don’t put a soft dick in my mouth and say that it’s hard. I see that Pimp Mama Kris is just trying to save face and trying to make it look like Anna Wintour didn’t pull one over on them. Well, she did! Game point: THE DEATH EATERS!
E! also says that Kim, Kanye and North West left the hospital last night and are now “in hiding.” Radar posted a copy of North West’s birth certificate and North (no middle name) West really is her name. Apparently, they’re going to call her Nori. So why didn’t they just name her Nori instead of North if they already knew they were going to call her Nori all the time? Well, because they wouldn’t get half of the attention they’re getting if her government name was Nori . Duh! And I was going to have a California Roll for lunch, but I’ve changed my mind.