Pour out a bowl of cheese grits this morning, because the love between Britney Spears and her normal boyfriend Normal Guy Dave (born name: David Lucado) is as dead as a melted Frapp (“Oooh, give it here, I’ll still drink it!” – Brit Brit). According to TMZ, Brit Brit dumped Normal Guy Dave after someone (Chester Cheetah working under the alias Deep Flamin’ Hot Throat) tipped off Daddy Spears to the existence of a video showing Normal Guy Dave cheatin’ on the world’s most precious little chicken-fried steak dumplin’ Brit Brit Spears. ESCANDALO, Y’ALL! Continue reading
Getting a job as Brit Brit’s leased boyfriend is almost harder than getting a job as Tommy Girl’s robot beard and it’s way harder than getting a job at Target. Radar says that right after Brit Brit’s contract with Jason Trainwreck expired and he was dropped from her payroll, Daddy Spears started looking for a new full-time male escort to keep her occupied so she won’t chew out the tracking device from under her skin, pull her pink wig out of storage and go on a gas station terror tour again.
A source says that Daddy Spears gave David Lucado the job, because the dude’s normal enough and just like Brit Brit, he likes dressing like he just bought everything from a Miller’s Outpost clearance sale in the 90s. But before Normal Guy Dave officially got the job as Brit Brit’s corporate Frapp holder, he had to go through a serious background check and sign an agreement stating that he’ll never open up his mouth about her personal life. Radar’s source didn’t say this, but I’m pretty sure Normal Guy Dave also got a health check-up to make sure he’s not allergic to spicy pork rinds and Cheetos. That’s a deal breaker. The source said this:
“Jamie has known David (Lucado) for awhile, and always thought he was a thoughtful, and an all-around good guy. Britney needed someone to keep her company after she and Jason (Trawick) broke up. It had to be a male, because Britney just doesn’t respond as well to females. And remember, she is still under a conservatorship. Before David started spending time with Brit, he had to undergo a background check, and sign a confidentiality agreement, all arranged by Papa Spears. Jamie makes sure if things go south between Jamie and Britney, details about her life wouldn’t be made public. David had absolutely no problem with it, and completely understood why it was being done.”
“Britney just doesn’t respond as well to females….” They’re talking about her like she’s a sedated circus animal who’s only purpose to her emotionless handlers is to make them zillions of dollars. Oh, wait…
Background checking a possible piece isn’t only something that a hillbilly puppet master does to protect his money-making pop doll, it’s something a lot of people do. At one time, my cousin wanted to be a regular Detective La Toya and she was taking private investigator training courses. Running background checks became her drug. She loved doing it. Every time I started dating a new dude, she’d ask me if I wanted her to run a background check on him. I always turned her ass down, because what’s the point? Even if he had a record the size of a Lohan’s or had a credit score under 600, I’d still do him.
Here’s Normal Guy Dave and Brit Brit going to eat meatballs in Las Vegas over the weekend. Try not to be jealous of her hillbilly Farrah wings.