Which Colored Pill Do We Take To Make “The Matrix” Reboot Go Away?

Get Out was made from an original idea, it cost around $4.5 million to make and it’s brought in a mountain of money in just a few weeks. But yet, Hollywood is still looking at it and sharpening their shank as they say, “That’s nice, but which action series from the past can we try to milk for easy money next?” The Hollywood Reporter says they’re going after The Matrix series. As someone who once got laughed at by a DJ at a goth club for requesting a song from The Matrix soundtrack, I, at first, didn’t think it was a bad idea to bring back the series. But I quickly dropped that “idea” into the Land of Do Not Want after reading that Lana and Lily Wachowski aren’t working on it.

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Thanks For The Post-Super Bowl Nightmares, Doritos

Okay, to be fair, the majority of my post-Super Bowl nightmares came from the pizza I ordered from Dominos last night that looked like it had been fucked by the Noid. But the cheez-obsessed fetus from Doritos’ 2016 Super Bowl commercial came a very close second.

I’m sure if Beyonce had it her way, the only commercial that would have aired during the Super Bowl last night was her tour announcement after the halftime show. But I guess the media department at CBS weren’t swayed by the box of Red Lobster coupons that were couriered over from The Beyoffice, because they aired a bunch of other commercials as well. In the event you spent most of your commercial breaks filling up a deflated football with vodka, can watch most of them here. The most WTF of which came courtesy of Doritos. Warning: If the image of a CGI baby hauling ass through a vagina gives you the nopes, then you might want to watch the Heinz commercial with the wiener dogs dressed up in little hot dog costumes instead.

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Miley Cyrus Dressed Like A Giant Horny Baby For Her New Video, Because Of Course She Did

Don’t worry, you’re not the only one who is getting a case of the uncomfortables after looking at Miley Cyrus in adult baby drag. I’m sure even Pedobear was like “Okay, that’s enough internet for today” before shutting his laptop and whipping it out the window.

It’s been all of three weeks since Princess Skunk Weed of Hillbillia released her last WTF-worthy music video (you know, the one that looked like a 60’s liquid light show busted a messy nut on Miley’s face), and she must have got her hands on some stronger drugs since then, because Billy Ray’s kid has managed to make an even more bonkers video. Miley popped a squat and farted the video for a song called “BB Talk” onto the internet last night, and what came out what a cloud of Muppet Babies meets My Strange Addiction stank. Miley dresses up as a baby and sings about how she was fucking on a dude who kept filling her ears with baby talk, the result of which can only be described as a Galoob Baby Face doll that grew up in the bathroom of a Kum & Go. So basically, Miley Cyrus.

Obviously this isn’t the first time Miley has slipped into a diaper and redefined the words “not right“; Miley has been wearing a big baby suit on stage during her Dead Petz tour. But it is the first time she sat in a high chair and threw huge-ass Cheerios onto the ground while I thought to myself: “Well…I guess we all make some embarrassing choices in our 20s.”

Even though the image of Baby Miley talking about getting her hump on so that she doesn’t have to listen to baby talk is totally going to be the star of my nightmares tonight, I do love that inflatable rubber duck. I know it’s nothing more than an inanimate bag of air with painted-on eyes, but that duck is totally searching for an exit harder than anyone has ever searched for an exit before.

Jennifer Lopez Got Glitter Bombed By A Scary Clown At The Airport Yesterday

I don’t know what made me release a dribble of scared pee more: the thought of being covered in dirty prickly pocket glitter or the fact that it was delivered BY A SCARY CLOWN. Yep, definitely the scary clown. Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe I need to change my pants.

While strolling through LAX yesterday, Jennifer Lopez lived my worst nightmare when a dude dressed as a busted Juggalo-looking clown threw a load of glitter in her face. NO! Glitter should only be used for good – never evil. Someone should teach that scary clown some glamour manners.

According to TMZ, the glitter-throwing clown is a dude named Richie the Barber and he’s the same person responsible for covering Khloe Kardashian’s ass in confetti last year. You know, you’d think a barber would know how difficult it is to comb a million particles of shit out of your hair. Rude. And it was especially rude for him to do it to JLo yesterday, because she was just trying to show off her new one-night-stand baby of Bon Jovi and Ally McBeal haircut. Double rude! So far there’s no word on whether or not JLo is going to press charges.

Besides the fact that it was beyond obnoxious, what’s throwing glitter on JLo even going to do? Her skin is 90% cosmetic-grade shimmer, so technically all he did was waste a bunch of glitter. Somewhere, the old Kesha is crying.

Pics: Splash/INF

File Under “Terrifying”: Here’s Sandra Bullock’s 911 Call

Last summer, a creepy stalker type who was obsessed Sandra Bullock broke into her house while she and her 4-year-old son Louis were home. That thought alone is enough to give someone nightmares for life, but now, thanks to TMZ, we have the audio from the call Sandra made to 911, and yes, it’s exactly as terrifying as you think it is.

The 911 call was played in court during the trial of Sandra’s stalker Joshua Corbett yesterday. The call was made shortly after 6:30am on Sunday, June 8th 2014 after Sandra heard someone in her house and saw him make his way up to her attic. That’s when Sandra grabbed her kid, headed for the panic room in her closet, and called 911.

I am going to study this 911 call inside and out, because I need to figure out how Sandra Bullock didn’t totally freak the fuck out. Yes, she’s freaking out a bit, but on a scale of Pearl from Drag Race to Gary Busey on an espresso binge, she’s about a 4. I can’t even imagine what I would sound like on a 911 call if a stalker broke into my house. No wait, I totally can: I wouldn’t even have to make a call to 911, because the police would be able to hear me screaming “SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK SHIT BALLS NO!!!!!” halfway across town.

Joshua Corbett’s defense lawyers might as well just pack up their attache cases and go home, because that 911 call is all the evidence a jury needs to convict Joshua of the most heinous crime of all: scaring the shit out of American treasure Sandra Bullock.

Tyga Pretty Much Confirmed That He’s Doing The Backup Jenner Girl

Your move, Chris Hansen.

Last month, Wiz Khalifa’s outlet mall equivalent Tyga swore up and down during a Power 105 radio interview that he wasn’t rubbing his his 25-year-old sex parts on the 17-year-old underage sex parts of aspiring Real Doll Kylie Jenner. Well, I guess he got tired of everyone shooting him “Uh huh, sure” side-eyes, because last night he said fuck it and Instagrammed a picture of his high school girlfriend with the caption:

“Certain things catch your eye, but only few capture the heart“

“Awww, that is so sweet!” said Pedobear. “Aw shit, that is 8 layers of NO” said the rest of us.

Of course, Tyga didn’t come right out and says “I am humping on this plastic-looking teenager”, but that creepy catch your eye/capture the heart shit was probably enough to make Tyga’s lawyer start nervously tugging at the collar of his shirt and telling his assistant to hold all his calls for the next little while while he tries to explain to his client that just because he chose a picture of his girlfriend where she looks like she’s pushing 40 doesn’t make it any less not-right.

Meanwhile, Pimp Mama Kris kouldn’t be prouder that the youngest and least marketable of her whores has finally found her calling. Hey, in PMK’s world, being the putty-faced jail bait girlfriend of someone semi-famous is a calling.

Speaking of jobs, here’s Kylie looking like an off-off-off brand version of Old Kim (prototype model name: Kam Krudashun) while hustling some drugstore face cream she definitely never uses in London earlier today:

Pics: Wenn.com