6 Devastating Words: The Captain And Tennille Are Divorcing

I’ll wait here as you break up with your piece, break up with your entire family, break up with your dog, break up with your cat, break up with your favorite string of anal beads, break up with your vaporizer, break up with your Beverly Hills Teens DVDs, break up with your entire stash of microwave chicharrones and break up with everything else you love hard, because love won’t keep any of us together.

That sound you hear that sounds a lot like David Beckham letting out a high-pitched cry orgasm is the sound of the entire muskrat community wailing over the divorce of the two people who perfectly captured a regular muskrat date night in a song.  The Captain & Tennille gave muskrats a voice! People confirms that 73-year-old Toni Tennille filed divorce papers on January 16th in the city she lives, Prescott, Arizona. As soon as Toni filed papers to legally end her 39-year-old marriage with the Captain, the government should’ve immediately declared all current marriages null and void and made marriage illegal for everyone. What is the point of marriage if the Captain & Tennille aren’t married? The government is probably working on that, but they’re currently crying into a captain hat on the floor of a sauna.

The Captain (born name: Daryl Frank Dragon) tells TMZ that he has no idea why Toni wants to legally quit his 71-year-old ass. They’re still living in the same house.

A few years ago, Toni said that The Captain has a neurological condition similar to Parkinson’s and he suffers from tremors which has affected his ability to play the keyboard.

Why? Why? Why? Why would Toni divorce The Captain’s ass in his hour of need? Why would Toni ruin everybody’s faith in love by doing this? Why would Toni end 39 years of marriage? What’s the point? Can’t she just sleep in another room and ignore his ass the way normal married couples do? I really hope this is some STUNT QUEEN shit. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go hug an economy-sized bottle of tequila while singing this:

A Sad Day In Gold Digging History

Former HSOTD Brynne Edelsten is a delicate, exquisitely cut California jewel who became one of my gold digging idols when she married multi-millionaire Australian medical entrepreneur Geoffrey Edelsten in Australia’s most expensive wedding extravaganza in 2009. I always had high hopes for Brynne’s gold digging career. I wanted her to show the gold digging haters that a factory-defected Barbie from Mattel could climb up the ladder of shovels and proclaim that crown. Brynne was supposed to stay married to Geoffrey until death did them part and then she’d inherit his fortune and use the money to buy pink diamond-encrusted monokinis and a replica of Barbie’s Dream House on the Gold Coast. But sadly, that’s not going to happen, because 31-year-old Brynne and 70-year-old Geoffrey are done. That’s not the most tragic part. I mean, marriages end, whatever. The saddest part is that Geoffrey filed for bankruptcy in the US last week! Let us all fall to the ground, raise our fists up to the sky and scream, “God, why must you hate gold diggers, God, why?!”

New Idea says that their marriage woes really started in 2012 when Brynne found out that he met a fellow gold digger on sugardaddyforme.com (yes, I’ve just made that site my homepage) and took his hussy whore side piece to Miami with him. Brynne made a vow to stick with Geoffrey till a zero balance checking account does them part, so she forgave him for passing his wrinkled old worm dick to another gold digger. Brynne kept on, kept on, but around the same time she found out that she can’t give birth to children, she found out that Geoffrey made a secret love child with his ex-wife Leanne. Brynne and Geoffrey tried to save their marriage by going to counseling, but it was too late. Brynne and Geoffrey both agreed to end their 4 year marriage.

Brynne told 9News last night that she has no plans to come back to the US. She’s going to stay in Australia and continue to shoot her reality show.

When I first read this last night, I figured that Geoffrey did a sinful act against all that is holy by dumping the demure whore rose for his new slut, because Brynne would never ever leave him. She’s a devoted wife who takes her vows seriously. But it all made sense when I found out that he filed for bankruptcy, is selling his penthouse and had to borrow cash from his mother. How cold-hearted can Geoffrey be? He fucked some side tricks, fine. He shot a load of his dusty, moth jizz up into his ex-wife and made a baby, okay. But he lost his money? How dare he break his vows like that!

Brynne needs to dust herself off, grab her shovel and keep on digging, because there’s other old, rich, horny sugar daddies out there who will appreciate her elegance and won’t do her wrong by going broke!

The End Of An Era: Intervention Canceled

In news that is the opposite of walking on sunshine (sleeping on the moon?), The Hollywood Reporter says that after 13 seasons and 243 interventions, A&E’s Intervention will go to rehab permanently this summer. That is Vh1’s cue to produce a show called Celebrity Interventions starring Candy Finnigan (that’s totally going to happen).

The first of the final five episodes will start airing on June 13th. A&E says that the final 5 episodes are their most “intense” and “gripping” stories yet. A&E’s Executive VP of Programming said in a press release that out of the 243 interventions they’ve done, 156 of the former addicts are sober today.

“As Intervention comes to an end, we’re proud to have paved the way for such an original and groundbreaking series. We’re honored to have been a part of the 243 interventions since its premiere in March of 2005, leading to the 156 individuals that are currently sober to this day.”

And one of those 156 is Allison who isn’t floating to the sun while huffing computer duster and has come off of Staples DO NOT SELL TO list (I think):

Meanwhile, E! has announced that it just has renewed Keeping Up with the Kartrashians for 666 more seasons.

You Ran Over My Fucking FOOT, But I’m Richard Simmons, So I’m Cool Like That

PLEASE do not disfigure Richard Simmons, EVER. Who could do such a thing? In this video from TMZ, some Asian guy (okay, stop with the Asian driving jokes) did just that, and watch how Richard handles his flattened foot situation. Too cute.

Richard Simmons is the hot slut of this and every generation, okay??? RECOGNIZE, step off (his foot, no seriously, step off), and give a little love to the man who believes that fitness is fun while the rest of us just go “meh” and scratch at our hairy FUPAS.

Go Richard!

Jenni Rivera Missing After Suspected Plane Crash In Mexico (UPDATE: Plane Found, No Survivors)

A small plane carrying Mexican-American singer Jenni Rivera went totally missing early this morning after it fell off the radar. AP (via HuffPo) says that after performing at a show in Monterrey, Mexico, Jenni, two pilots and four others all got on a small plane headed for Toluca. The plane took off at around 3:30 am and flew about 62 miles before it lost contact with radar. The U.S. Learjet 25 was supposed to land in Toluca at 4:40 am, but it didn’t.

Mexican officials say that several helicopters are searching for the plane now. Jenni’s publicist was also on the jet and he tweeted pictures from her show last night, before they got on the plane.

43-year-old Jenni was born in Long Beach and lives in Encino, CA with her 5 children. Jenni has sold almost 15 million records worldwide and is also the star of the reality show I Love Jenni. Jenni recently just signed a deal with ABC for her own sitcom. Jenni’s had a whole lot of escandalosoness in her life. After she filed for divorce from her husband two years ago, he was accused of having an affair with her daughter. Her daughter denied it.

This doesn’t look good at all, but hopefully La Gran Senora is fine and will be pouring beer on the heads of young girls for years to come.

UPDATE: Officials say they found the wreckage of the crashed plane and there were no survivors. The crash was apparently so intense and hard that there’s pieces of the plane scattered all over the place. Two pilots, Jenni Rivera, Jenni’s make-up artist Jacob Yebale, her lawyer and her manager were all on board. Here’s the last known picture of Jenni that was tweeted by Jacob Yebale before the plane took off:

Rest in peace.

And now I’ll go and console some of my family members by pouring a beer over their heads, because they are probably losing their minds over this news.

True Love Just Jumped Off A Bridge: Will Arnett & Amy Poehler Broke Up

We all have two options:

1. Curse at Lainey at Lainey Gossip for writing a blind item that was made one of hundred percent fact.

or

2. Grab a soggy waffle and do the slow wall slide before becoming a sad puddle of misery on the floor. Because People just said this:

Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are calling it quits.

The comedic stars, who wed in August 2003, are ending their marriage, a rep for both actors confirms to PEOPLE. The couple are parents to two sons – Archie, 3½, and Abel, 2.

And we have to hear it from People?! Amy and Will didn’t even knock on each one of our doors, sit us on the sofa and tell us to hug our favorite sofa pillow (you know you have one) before breaking the news to us gently and telling us that everything okay and we’ll see Will every other weekend (because NetFlix will start airing the new Arrested Development episodes early and every other weekend to help us deal with this tragic news)?

Let’s just cancel marriage altogether since it’s obviously a LIE! Jennifer Aniston had it right for so long. It’s best to stay a miserable, lonely,  dog-hoarding, dry in the pussy spinster who fills her empty heart with tequila. Because unlike love, tequila never does us wrong. (Cut to me in five minutes, opening up my kitchen cabinet to find an empty bottle of Patron. DAMMIT ALL TO COLD SHIT!)