We’ve been shitting up post after post from last night’s Adele Appreciation Ceremony (Featuring Adele Appreciating Beyonce), but another awards show happened yesterday. Two weeks before Hollywood gets dressed up in $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the Oscars, they got into $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the BAFTAs last night.
I’m sort of okay with it as long as they call it: The Girl With The BLAAAAAKE Tattoo.
The Amy Winehouse documentary Amy was a hit, so of course, studios are piggybacking off of its success to make that money. The Hollywood Reporter says that Kristen Sheridan, who directed August Rush, will write and direct an Amy Winehouse biopic. That’s everyone’s cue to step up to the mic, find the light and sing, “noooo nooo nooooo” in unison. Noomi Rapace from the original Girl with the Dragon Tattoo movie is in talks to play Amy. A greedy silver bear and a scab in a fedora are in talks to play Mitch Winehouse and Blaaaake Fielder-Civil, respectively.
Mitch Winehouse pissed all over the Amy documentary, because it made it him look like a cold fame whore. Mitch is apparently working on his own documentary about his daughter, thankyouverymuch. The Hollywood Reporter also says that the makers of the Amy Winehouse biopic are already talking to him about getting the rights to use her music. Mitch handles Amy’s estate.
Amy Winehouse died only 4 years ago, so this is all kinds of too soon. There are other biopics that need to be made! Where is that Janis Joplin biopic that’s been “in the works” for centuries? Where is the Jackie Collins biopic starring Joan Collins (it’s never too soon for a Jackie Collins biopic starring Joan Collins)? Where is the Celia Cruz biopic?! Where is the biopic about the thrilling life of Ubu the dog? But seriously, what’s really strange is that a legit movie about Amy Winehouse is going to be made before a Lifetime movie. Lifetime is seriously disappointing me. Where is their no-budget, inaccurate and badly acted Amy Winehouse movie starring Lindsay Lohan? I shouldn’t give Lifetime any ideas, because they may start shooting an Amy Winehouse movie soon and by “shooting” I mean they’ll slap a black beehive wig on Lindsay Lohan’s head, tell her to talk in a British accent and follow her around with a camera for a night.
The BAFTAs happened in London tonight and they’re just like the Oscars except after the ceremony ends the losers are escorted to THE QUEEN’s dungeon where they’re turned into Corgi food.
All award season long (yes, I hate myself for typing that too), the ginger goddess of perfection that is Julianne Moore has mostly dressed like a kindergarten art teacher who fell onto the craft table after the kids made Valentines for their parents and tonight she finally brought the glamour. For once, people weren’t asking her, “Who are you wearing,” because they wanted to make sure to never buy shit from that designer. Julianne, who won Best Actress at the BAFTAs tonight, is giving me “torch song singer at a club where mobsters hold their meetings” glamour. I’m surprised that carpet didn’t turn a bright shade of green when it saw Julianne because it was jealous over her wearing the color red better than it.
I know, I’m not right for choosing a picture of Julianne looking like she’s trying not to wet heave, but it was the only picture where you could see a peek of her shoe (you’re welcome, Quentin Tarantino). She’s probably just gagging on her own glamour. The only way these pictures of Julianne would be hotter is if a naked Prince Hot Ginge was doing jumping jacks behind her.
I’m going to post more from the BAFTAs, but in the meantime here’s some pictures of others including Dianna Agron (I guess Britain is importing seat fillers from America now), the Bond Girls and Rosamund Pike.
In the trailer for Prometheus, dick-of-the-moment Michael Fassbender is looking thoughtfully at his fingers and says “big things have small beginnings.” We get it. Prometheus is obviously a thinly veiled allegory about his huge cock. There’s a lot of running and screaming, slimy goo on fingers, Charlize Theron looking intense, and planet-shattering. This is what happens when he swings it about. Oh, and Clooney publicly salivates over it at the Golden Globes.
Director Ridley Scott’s Prometheus is supposedly the prequel to the Alien series. The lead chick (Noomi Rapace) was Lisbeth Salander.0. She played The Girl With/Who before the Vulcan Rooney Mara was living long and prospering on David Fincher’s face.
This extremely shrieky trailer gave me a total fanboy hard-on. Sexy astronauts hauling ass through spaceship corridors because they’re being chased by hideous alien monsters gives me the same feeling a KatherineHeiglKateHudsonSarahJessicaParker rom-com gives Jennifer Love Hewitt. A deep feeling of intense jealousy and a moistening of the pussy area.