Last week, professional cool cousin Jennifer Lawrence wrote a long essay for Lenny about how pissed off she was about the Hollywood wage gap. Thanks to the Sony hack, JLaw discovered that the numbers on her paycheck for American Hustle were a lot smaller than those of the guys she worked with, and that made JLaw frown harder than the time she released a massive pizza burp and there was no one around to hear it. Now the director of American Hustle and JLaw’s upcoming film Joy, David O. Russell, is chiming in with his thoughts. Because just like their dramatic on-set screaming matches, David O. Russell always has to get the last word.
Ah, the greasy beady-eyed sex possum fuckstare of The Deaner – how I’ve missed thee! Its been far too long. “Too long? That’s what she said! Just kidding, nobody’s ever said it’s too long. Well, maybe the time The Deaner chugged an expired Bubba and it took me 4 hours to nut.”
Leprechaun-looking TV chef Bobby Flay is currently in the middle of some divorce drama, the latest being that his marriage to Stephanie March might have died because he was getting his 28-year-old assistant to prep his chorizo. Since getting caught cheating is a skill that is practically at the top of The Deaner’s resume, he decided to reach out to his Food Network brother-in-sleaze and offer some relationship advice. Unfortunately, because being a straight-up dumbass is The Deaner’s second greatest skill, his advice is garbage. While promoting his cookbook The Gourmet Dad (Hooters special edition title: But You Can Call Me Daddy – Wink!), The Deaner told the New York Daily News:
“He needs to make some get out of jail meals for her. I would hope that they would be able to work things out because I was fortunate enough to be on that side of things working out.”
Considering he spent one of his most recent meals with his wife pulling her melted Barbie doll body off a Benihana hibachi, The Deaner is the last person who should be giving advice on how to woo your woman with food.
But I’d really love to know what kind of shit he was cooking for Tori Spelling in order to ‘get out of jail‘. Oh, what do you know? I happen to have his email to Bobby Flay right here!
“What’s crappenin’ dawg? I got a relationship-saving recipe for you. Sometimes your wife catches you basting another ham, and the best way to apologize is with a pot of homemade chili. Cutting up onions will make it look like you’ve been crying, while your farts mask the scent of strange on your dick. Relationship saved! Can I have a job now?“
Mathew Knowles, the former manager of Her Majesty Beyoncé and current professional sperm-slinging deadbeat pepaw, told Houston 104.1’s The Roula and Ryan Show on Wednesday (via Radar) that he knows the TROOF when it comes to Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s marriage. Take a seat and get ready to learn, because Professor Daddy Knowles is about to school your asses on Publicity Stunting 101!
Mathew says that sometimes a rumor can “ignite” a tour, and when that happens, it’s called a “Jedi mind trick” (cut to Yoda making a “da fuq?” face while using the force to pull out a chair for Mathew to have a seat). According to Mathew, a Jedi mind trick will fool you into thinking that what you see is real. Well, technically he made a “poof” sound, but you get the idea. Then when asked if he thought that Beyoncé pulled an Obi-Wan Kenobi and her Jedi powers to stage the Basement Baby elevator beat-down, Mathew said:
“Everyone’s talking about it. Ticket sales went up. Solange’s album sales went up 200%.”
So basically, Mathew is crazy, THE END. But since I have time to elaborate, what he’s essentially saying is that maybe it was just a coincidence that the Basement Baby elevator beat-down happened right before Beyoncé and Jay-Z were about to kick off the “On The Run” tour and maybe ticket sales went up because people thought they might get to see some drama on stage and maybe everything about Beyoncé is a lie or maybe it’s the truth. Or maybe she’s actually a real-life Jedi, which would sort of make sense, since some of her weaves look like a fine blend of 100% Wookiee-Ewok hair.
And here’s Beyoncé’s daddy sounding like a stoned-ass teenager talking about Star Wars on the Roula and Ryan Show, if you need something to get second-hand high off of this morning:
Because Cameron Diaz is a born-again Mormon for vaginas who’s current job is to ring people’s door bells and ask the person who answers: “Hello! My name is Sister Diaz! Have you heard the most amazing news about your puss?”, she appeared on Chelsea Lately on Monday night to share the secrets of internal life and vaginal salvation contained within her book The Body Book. And for those of you who didn’t think it could get any worse than Cameron Diaz’s thoughts on pubic hair, strap in and prepare yourself for the mental images of Chelsea Handler and Cammy’s Botoxed hoo-hoos:
Opening up Diaz’s book, Handler said, “There’s a diagram of your labia, and for me, the vagina is such an integral part of the body.” The blonds pretended to find Handler’s Bartholin’s glands before Diaz explained, “We think the vagina is on the outside. I say grab a mirror and play along. Get in there.” The actress added, “Learn about it. You’re supposed to treat it like the beautiful flower that is, the delicate flower that it is. And you’re supposed to nurture it in all the ways that it needs nurturing.”
“So in essence,” Handler said “we should be watering it.”
“Yes, watering it. Fertilizing it. It needs nourishment,” Diaz said. “It’s hungry.”
I get that Cammy is worried about all the neglected Hungry Hungry Hoo-Hoos and everything, but does she really think none of us know what the hell is going on down there? Well, aside from her friend Gwyneth Paltrow, who’s never looked at her vagina, but probably thinks it resembles a beautifully-carved $1,200 stone box.
Surely Cameron has at least one friend who could have told her “No no, it’s cool. I know the difference between vulvas and vaginas, you don’t need to write a book about it.” Because she’s not a doctor. So why in the hell is she acting like the brand ambassador for lips and clits? Aaaaand I just made the horrible mistake of imagining Cammy’s pizza clit (my imagination ran wild and covered it in pepperoni). Ugh, looks like I need to book another 30-day stay at the Brain Bleach Clinic.
The only transitioning I care about is how Bruce Jenner is transitioning to a life of freedom after his harrowing escape from the clutches of the Kardashian Koven. I shed a tear every time I think about that poor man being held captive by that awful family, and how brave he had to be to endure more than 20 years of their sadistic torture and awful-looking faces.
Even though I thought I already explained everything you need to know about Bruce Jenner’s gorgeous nails (basically, you should consider cutting off your own hands and replacing them with those foam Hulk hands, because they’ll never be as beautiful and elegant as his) Entertainment Tonight (via The Daily Mail) still wanted to find out what was up with Bruce. Instead of just accepting that Brucie is a stone-cold 10 (deal with it) Kris Jenner has offered this explanation of his hands:
“Well, he wears clear. I dunno. I think when he gets his nails buffed they put clear [nail polish]. The bottom line is we sell magazines. Ninety-nine percent of the stuff in the media, tabloids is made up.”
From your lips to Satan’s ears, Kris. I don’t even know if I used that phrase right – I just wanted to give you the gross mental image of Kris Jenner whispering sweet nothings to Satan, and the follow-up image of Satan swatting her away, going “Stop it, you’re giving me the creeps. Don’t you have a child that needs pimping out somewhere?”
I wish Kris had just responded like a normal person and said: “Who cares? He has long fingernails” but there I go again assuming that Kris is a normal person and not a desperate-for-attention, soul-sucking viper from the pits of Hell. I should be more surprised that she didn’t try to lead Entertainment Tonight on for ratings. “Why does Bruce have long nails? Oh, I don’t know…maybe you could say this season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians is all about transsssformations. Wink! I have to say ‘wink’ because my eyes no longer open and close on command.”
Evil fame whore matchmaker Kris Jenner is somewhere at war with the devils on her shoulders after seeing the pictures of Jaden Smith with Kylie Jenner at the Believe premiere. The one on the right is whispering, “But it’s the Smiths!” while the other one says, “But look at what the fuck it’s wearing!”
Devil #2 can come sit with me, because I’m getting a tidal wave of secondhand embarrassment looking at Jaden’s ensemble, and this is coming from a mother of three who, on more than one occasion, has walked into the supermarket with a kid trailing behind wearing a muscle Hulk costume, flip flops, sunglasses Elton John would pass up and a cross-body Hello Kitty purse he begged me for at the Goodwill store.
Regardless of whatever stunt fuckery Kris might try to pull, Kylie told Seventeen Prom (via NYDN) that she and Jaden are just good friends.
“If I couldn’t find a boyfriend, I would want to go with one of my best guy friends, like Jaden (Smith),” she admitted. “I know I’d have fun with him — he makes me laugh and he is a great dancer.”
Rumors have swirled for some time now about the “friendship” between Jenner and the 15-year-old son of Will and Jade Smith, but she assures she’s a single girl.
“I don’t have a boyfriend,” she told the mag, which hits newsstands Dec. 25. “But I really want that boyfriend prom experience.”
Kylie needs to start praying at the Kardashian altar (it’s just the foyer table on which everyone throws their juvaderm pamphlets) that she finds someone to take her to the damn prom besides Will and Jada’s kid. Do they even make tuxedos out of Bruce-approved kicky scarves, eyesight test posters, athletic compression shorts, hobo socks and desperate attempts to make oneself happen?