Category: Nobody Asked For This

Which Colored Pill Do We Take To Make “The Matrix” Reboot Go Away?

March 15, 2017 / Posted by:

Get Out was made from an original idea, it cost around $4.5 million to make and it’s brought in a mountain of money in just a few weeks. But yet, Hollywood is still looking at it and sharpening their shank as they say, “That’s nice, but which action series from the past can we try to milk for easy money next?” The Hollywood Reporter says they’re going after The Matrix series. As someone who once got laughed at by a DJ at a goth club for requesting a song from The Matrix soundtrack, I, at first, didn’t think it was a bad idea to bring back the series. But I quickly dropped that “idea” into the Land of Do Not Want after reading that Lana and Lily Wachowski aren’t working on it.

Continue reading

Lifetime Is Remaking “Beaches” Because They Hate Us

July 28, 2016 / Posted by:

All together now (to the tune of the “flyyyyy” part of Wind Beneath My Wings): ♫ Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy whyyyyyyyyy whyyyyyyyyyyyyy 

Garry Marshall’s body has barely gone cold and those butchers at Lifetime have already made plans to pull out one of his classics and hack it to bits. Deadline reports that Lifetime has given the thumbs up to a remake of 1988’s Beaches starring Idina Menzel. Even though Idina’s look is more “Hillary” than “CC,” Lifetime has cast her as C.C. Bloom, the role that Bette Midler played to perfection in the original. Lifetime’s version will include the songs “Wind Beneath My Wings” and “The Glory of Love,” as well as new and original songs. Lifetime’s Bitches (on purpose typo and it stays) will terrorize our TV screens next year. Here’s a few more details from Deadline:

Allison Anders (Ring of Fire) will direct the Lifetime remake from a script by Bart Baker (Honeymoon with Harry) and Nikole Beckwith (Stockholm, Pennsylvania). Di Novi and Greenspan executive produce for A+E Studios. Production is set to begin on August 15.

Whenever I scream, “ILLEGAL,” over Hollywood slaughtering another classic from our childhoods, some trick will e-mail me to say that remakes happen, get over it and blah blah blah… I know, the audacity of someone accusing me of being melodramatic! But the thing is, it sounds like Lifetime isn’t even doing anything new with Beaches. It seems like they’re just bringing it into “modern day” and since Lifetime is doing it, it’ll be low-budget as hell and the beach scenes will be shot in the sandbox of a park in the Valley somewhere.

If they insist on remaking Beaches, they should do something new. Do an all-animal version starring Bandito and Luigi! Or a gay version! One way to get Richard Simmons to twirl out of retirement is to offer him the role of C.C. Bloom in an all-gay remake of Beaches.

Here’s the basic cable CC Bloom yodeling at a gala in NYC last month:

Pics: Wenn.com

Lady Gaga Is ThisClose To Signing On To The 3,897th Remake Of “A Star Is Born”

June 16, 2016 / Posted by:

The third remake of A Star Is Born has been in the works for what feels like a century. Clint Eastwood was originally going to direct and he wanted his beloved empty chair to star as the Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand role (if only). Clint wanted Beyonce and when Beyonce checked out due to “scheduling conflicts,” he started talking to Esperanza Spalding about the role. Pepaw Clint could never get the remake out of “development hell,” because he couldn’t get a big name to sign on to the male lead. Clint tried to get Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe, Tommy Cruise, Will Smith, Gerard Butler and Christian Bale, but all of them dropped a big messy NO on that offer. Clint eventually got over that shit and dropped out as director. Bradley Cooper decided that he wanted to be the one to butcher A Star Is Born, so he signed on as director and the male lead. Beyonce was once again thinking about bringing her flawless acting skills to the remake, but she turned it down for good, because she apparently costs too much. And now it looks like Lady Gaga is going to do it. A Mess Is Born is back on track!

Continue reading

src="https://c.statcounter.com/922697/0/f674ac4a/1/"
alt="drupal analytics" >