And now for some news that proves that Thanksgiving week only gives us the most important stories…
When it comes to shocking break ups where everyone assumed the couple would be together forever, many names come to mind. Of course the most recent would be Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson, but a classic would also be Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Another, less publicized but equally epic in terms of it’s love story, was the short-lived whirlwind romance of Noah Cyrus and Soundcloud rapper Lil Xan. The two of them broke up back in September, shocking the world and making Cupid hit the bottle hard as he tried to drown his sorrows of another star-crossed romantic failure. Well he better get himself another bottle of vodka, because Noah is putting a nail in the coffin of her once true love, saying that it was all a “mistake”.
Are you a mega rich bitch who is looking for something to waste your money on because you’ve gotten bored with burning it in front of the poor or blending it into lube to use while fucking a $2,000/hour escort in front of the poor? Well, the spawn of hillbilly possum Billy Ray Cyrus and former pro groupie Tish Cyrus has a new and perfect thing for you to waste your cash on while letting everyone know you’ve got more FuckIt money than you need.
If you try to Google “the definition of true love” right now, you’ll get an error 404, because it doesn’t exist now that the love between an 18-year-old Cyrus and a 21-year-old human black market Xanax pill with face tattoos is no more.
Billy Ray Cyrus celebrated his 57th birthday over the weekend and he did so with his wife Tish as well as his lesser famous children, Noah and Trace Cyrus. Noah did what all girls who just started dating a guy do, and brought her new boyfriend, rapper Lil Xan to the festivities. Lil Xan, huh?… this is the world we’re in people. This is where we evolved to. We all contributed to this fall in society. We are all to blame.
Obviously nothing can ever top the legendary sequinned charisma of Lil’ Kim’s purple nipple cover at the 1999 MTV VMA’s, but that’s not nearly a good enough excuse for people not to try. An iconic look is like rolling dice; you might wear something that ends up in one of those Best Looks of ALL TIME galleries for the rest of the internet’s existence, or you might be just wearing clothing. Cardi B could have shocked eyes by showing up in big hair, a dramatic cape, and no pants, but – yawn – been there, done that. Instead, Cardi B made her first red carpet appearance since giving birth last month in a purple gown by Nicolas Jebran and a pussycat wig. Cardi is giving me eccentric Beverly Hills housewife at a charity gala trying to steal the spotlight from her rival Bitsy Saint Claire. Wait a second – rich, attention-getting, short dark hair, daughter’s name spelled with an unnecessary K? Kris Jenner must be so flattered right now.
Halsey is one of the music industry’s most frequent red carpet messes, so it’s not a surprise that she would show up to the Billboard Music Awards last night in an outfit that says: “Book my stylist the next appointment at the nearest Pearle Vision.”
That bra is all kinds of tragic. It’s both too big and too small, like some kind of physics-defying underwire nightmare. If that bra could talk, it would beg Halsey to leave it at home and take a set of nipple pasties instead. On the upside, it is nice to see that someone finally purchased the most discounted bra from the clearance section of Ross. But don’t cry for Halsey’s bra. I see a bright future for it. I bet an agent has already signed it to appear as the uncomfortable before bra in an Ahh Bra infomercial.