Jennifer Aniston has been lucky enough to be in the presence of Dolly Parton a lot lately as they promote their Netflix movie Dumplin’. Dolly even went as to say that Jen is her husband Carl Dean‘s first choice for a threesome. Jen must be riding an awfully high horse after receiving that biggest compliment of her entire life, so she was slightly delusional when she said that a Friends revival could turn into a Golden Girls reboot.
And on the next episode of the Scientology Network’s CSI (Church of Scientology Investigation): Clearwater, Detective Tommy Girl continues to investigate the threats against his precious church. “So the question becomes, Detective Johnny T, does ice cream make you gay…” *puts on sunglasses* “Or do gays make ice cream?”
Move over Comedy Central, because there’s a new hilarious comedy channel coming up on the scene. Your DirecTV DVR, Roku or Apple TV device will soon start to reek of lukewarm bullshit and burnt Thetans (which strangely enough, smell exactly like lukewarm bullshit), because The Hollywood Reporter says that Scientology has finally delivered a gift to the zero of you who have thought, “I really love all of these Scientology commercials and wish there was an entire network filled with them!” Xenu TV, the Scientology Network, will makes it debut on streaming services and DirecTV tonight. So if want to give Scientology some hits, and also want a reason to heave up your lungs tonight, you know what to watch.
Zooey Deschanel, Taye Diggs And Rebel Wilson Are In The Hollywood Bowl’s “Beauty And The Beast” Concert
We’ve barely finished scouring the 2017 live action version of Beauty and The Beast for homosexual subtext and the Hollywood Bowl is already trying to complicate matters further by changing LeFou into a woman in their upcoming live concert. Entertainment Weekly reports that Rebel Wilson will be strapping one on to play LeFou opposite Taye Diggs as Gaston. Sorry Idris, you’ll just have to wait for the inevitable next “re imagining“. But wait, it gets worse! Belle’s about to get reverse She’s All That-ed and will be played by Zooey Deschanel.
PepsiCo, the company that brought you The End Of Injustice In A Can, is offering another astute take on #thesetryingtimes: Gendered snack food! That’s right, ladies! We’re about to be freed from those disgusting, manly potato chips we’ve been saddled with our entire girly lives! According to Business Insider, Pepsi CEO Indra Nooyi recently discussed the company’s plans to make a softer, gentler chip for Americans who suffer from Uterine Existence Syndrome (I know this is not an intersectional condition but it’s Pepsi, what do you expect) on the radio program Freakonomics.
Much like her former boss, Kim Kardashian is attempting to dominate the cheap fragrance game. Hot on the heels of her last fragrance (the one that looks like a fake-crystal dildo), she’s released three new scents for Valentine’s Day. And because Kim is such a good friend, she’s sending out bottles as Valentines to all her friends and family. But Kim is also extremely petty, which means she’s sending them to her enemies too.
I like to think that when George Clooney goes to bed every night, he falls asleep to the vision of stepping off Air Force One, waving to the good people, and then Amal Clooney has to elbow him once he starts muttering “My fellow Americans” in his sleep. That may be George Clooney’s dream, but it sure as hell ain’t Julianne Moore’s.